Returning Home and Final Thoughts

So I just want to start by saying everybody and I've been on two holidays this last month Very, very lucky, very privileged to be able to see that. First of all, so I'll check me privileged there Everybody I've been on a l' holiday and a family holiday And everybody at an airport that is not me, I just want to say are bad guys, inherently bad guys I'm going to get into all of that stuff And yeah, I just want to but before all of that hello and welcome to the colleents and podcasts So I'm just back from Palmer, Mijorkca And I found that out the hard way when I was come back and it's been such a long day with the kids. The kids have been brilliant by the way, but the the staff at Fucking Palma Airport have not been if there was a competition to see or by the way, When the adverts come in on this episode, I'm not even going to check them. I'm just going like it automatically assigns like, oh, should we put an advert in here And normally I listen to go, you know, it might be in the middle of a sentence, but I'm just going to go okay and then go straight to bed here So it's lovely to talk to you too, everyone. sorry. I'm just I'm just knack out from the the family holiday that I've been on. But yeah, Christ, everyone at that Fucking airport. It was fine on the way out, you know, It was like It was like a half f wake up call as well on the way out. So last week. Obviously me, Sophie and the kids. The kids were brilliant as well. It's like I've never enjoyed a family holiday so much as I have done this time. likeike I can't say refreshed. It's not it's certainly not refreshing, but I've not come back wanting to murder everybody at the same time. So I think that your call had a win for a family holiday. Oh yeah, so I didn't know that I was when I was at passport control on the way back into Newcastle the today, the guy was like, so where you come from? And I couldn't remember it was like I didn't know if it was meant to say Spain, Palmmer or New York. So I just looked at him frazzled. There holidays. I've just been where imagine that passport control whereere you come back from? I've just been I've been on my holidays, right But yeah, it's been it's been great man and you know, obviously you've seen us on Rams's tour God, I haven't even sppoke to him all week. I miss him. if you've seen us on that tour if you've seen Today years old Was it today years old? Yeah would have been you would have seen the Corfu story. you know, did you have a nice time? No, I didn't. how did you ask as a question? It was a family holiday. This one couldn't have been further from it. It was it was tremendous. and I owe that to the obviously Sophie for picking the tremendous resort and I owe that to to the kids for just being tremendous as well. So yeah, it was it was brilliant. So where do we start? Where do I start? So we'll go So it was like a half fourour wake up for I believe a twenty five past seven Yeah flight this was last week and so so would drive to the airport and would do the the service where you can just drive all the way up to the airport and give someone the keys and then they park the coffee and all that because I've done it once the other way where you leave the car and then you've got to get a bus and all that. and I was like, well, never, ever again will I ever do anything like that. So again, you know, you know looking back pe around call when you're earnning seven pounds a week. coming from school and you've got your walkman in your blazer pockets, never ever thought I'd be able to just do something like that. So again, check me privilege. I'm very I don't want to seem like I'm complaining for being on holiday here, but you know, it's me my life. It's me life and you've been with us for three years now listeners. so I'll not make any more apologies, right? I'll just I'll just tell you as is. So we do that, go through, everything was great. We went and had a meal at the airport and I think I just round with the kids as most dads were doing Giving them mom a little rest because they've done all the packing You know, Sophie did the packing for like aself and the two kids. I literally had to pack for myself And it was like, you know how every year, like if you get new holiday clothes It was like my packing, Sophie was so annoyed. like my packing was just I ordered a load of stuff from MNS. And you know the bags that it comes in like the green bags, like I didn't even bother opening them because it was like, I know me sizes. So I just slung like three of the bags in the suitcase and I was like, ask me asked me shorts That's me pool tops. That's me swimming shorts and that's me nighttime tops. you're not to take them out and pack them. I was like, Well, why theyre just going in a bag anyway? So just leave them in there and I'll And then I don't have to put all the bags in the recycling. So u It really annoyed the hello to Sophie. I don't know why. And then yeah, the flight was great actually. We had them I don't know how, but like two you've got them big fucking dreamliner planes for a Palmer airplane. So we seemed to have more, more leg room, more this that and the other. So that was that was lush as well. Kids were fantastic and do the private transfer now as well because I'll not I'll after last year, I'll not sit on the coach again Ever U describe it anything other than Bob Barrack trying to, you know, it's fine if it's just you and Zophie, if it's just you and your wife or, you know, if it's just you Christ like, you know, I've been by myself loads and You know, when I'm working for Bristol or something like that, you know, I just I do as you know, many times'll I'll do the ing to Bristol, the bus to the train station, the train station, this that and the other and I will just go on the National Express and go all the way from Bristol to C if But I'm not doing that with kids if I don't have to like fuck that. Remember the horrible Souse family? told you about last year where they pushed in and they didn't have any manners of class to realize or apologise or even be aware of the fact and then he was kicking off going Oh, can you believe the damn the Coach is stopping at four hotels before our hotel I was like, well, I you've never been on a fucking' coach before, you dim it. You don't realize that's how it works so no, so never not doing that Transfer was fantastic. They got to the hotel. it was great A And I hadn't had a I hadn't had a shite all day as well. I woke up. I remember waking up at like half four and at home And at that point you're in get the kids ready mode, get the car packed with the suitcase mode. Why didn't you pack the car the night before call? Well, the answer is simple. I was steaming. No. I've got this thing about like what if the car got stolen overnight And not only is the car stolen, but then All your stuff's been nicked. So it would be horrendous. So I was like, no, I'm not doing that.. So I pack it in the morning And like I say, no good time to have a shout. so I'm just in the kids getting ready mode. And then once you're at the airport, you got to get through security, you got to get passport control youve got to You got to look after the kids, you got to get the kids on the plane. you got to go from the plane, go find the guy holding you You sign with your name on, you got to get in there. And so it was it got to a boat and you can't have a shout on why hey, Carl, why didn't you have you shite on the plane? because I'm not a fucking I'm not a fucking moron. I'm not even moron. I I'm not a I'm not botarbarric enough. like I think I think people who have a shite on the plane should have the passports revoked I think I think there should be some sort of sensor. I don't know how youd enforce this, but there should be some sort of sensor where if that's you, you should get sucked out of the toilet with the shite that you've just expelled and get and get splattered into the sea or wherever where I'm sure that's not how the get rid of the shite on the plane. but what I'm saying is you should you should cease to exist. If you've ever if you've ever had a shite on a plane I don't know you. I don't want to know y. I don't want to know anything about you I don't care for you and I don't care for your family as well. How about that? Strow that in there And yeah, it was just the best thing about it now though was like when we got there just seeing like how y Lily was, like you you go in the hotel And there's like little in the hotel blocks, there's like little trees in the middle Like little indoor trees And she saw like all the water slides, all the kids water slides. So the pool, everything's like bright and it's just hot and sunny. And she was just walking around just like skipping and just going like, this is amazing Like just absolutely buuzzing. Alice was just on top form the whole time And it was just a n it's such a different holiday, but you know, we're in the I'm in the swing of it now. We're certainly, you know, I think it's like Lily's fourth or fifth holiday. It's Alice's second or third. I don't know Lose lose track of them now, but like u There's a bit of a transition of like, oh God, it's not going to be like what it was like when you and your wife went on holiday. Well, obviously not But it's just so much better now man for like a whole different reason. I know it must sound ridiculous and we'reound like there's a spell being cast on us, but it's just It's amazing. Like I'm so tired and I'm so fucking goosed But if I think about it too hard, I'll Honestly cry. knowning how much of a good time they've had L it's just being the best. there I go. so it would usually just stop by just getting up you know, would' all go to breakfast. Lily loved that there was pancakes at breakfast, we' go to the pool and then before long it's you know, and it's all the family stuff so they do the big the mat on the pool and you've got to walk across the mat and all that and I didn't get too far obviously I've all inclused myself to fuck I'll tell you that now And and we've got to curry tonight as well. Why do we do that? Why do we do have? Hey, we've just had a week of all inclusive drink All you can eat round the clock ice cream. You've drank on the plane Well, I didn't drink on the play on the way back, but you know, mean drank on the play on the way there. why? why do you go when you get back? you go, Hey should we get a curry? Hey, I'm not done being an absolute fat pig. let's get a curry as well I feel like Bruce Springstein like fucking Now my clothes don't fit me no more. I was I was bruised and bedered, I couldn't tell what I felt. I was Oh h don't on, that's streets of Philadelphia. So that's that's AIDS, that, isn't it? That's not That's the opposite of all inclusive Yeah, so in the in I assume Streets of Philadelphia was written for the film Philadelphia. Obviously Tom Hanks with AIDs. So obviously, you know, you've lost weight so your clothes don't fit me. I'm sure I'm sure he wasn't writing a song about going on a fucking all inclusive em Palmer I had ice cream all to myself. It was it was a stayer on top and my clothes don't fit meough. I've got me I've got me I've got my sportswear on now. I didn't take any any sports wear with me on holiday. I don't I don't really think it's appropriate to wearar You know, like like anundnderarama or or Aida shorts are the equivalent top But everybody else at the airport didn't seem to have any qualms with that whatsoever. Again, I'm going to say it again, copyright McFerry fucking PE kitss manan. Sick to the back teeth, yellow, green, blue Various colors of gray, shorts with sliders Fucking PE kits. Grown men walking around in PE kits for fuck's sake It looks fucking vile, disgusting stop it, please. You all just look filthy as well, you know. You got your monkey fucking tat sicker tattoos as well. Tattoos in your daf fucking Beard Everyone just looks filthy. You just all look like you could do with a good wash Fucking Do you know what you look like? Look it up on your phone now. you all look like Texas Pete. from Super Ted Yeah, he just he just looked filthy and evil and inherently a bad guy but they're all in big white teeth and they're all they're all buzzing because they've all got the peak k's on a big beard and white teeth and fucking sliders, monkey fucking tattoos Kling film on for people who've recently had a one and they can't get a wet. just fucking Texas peete the lot of is So yeah, clothes don't fit me no more. and then It was time to go back for Alice's nap. L and oh during Alice's nap, I saw a bird fly into the window and then I turned around and like looked at him and he kind of like turned his back to us and kind of style like he wass trying to style it out like I didn't didn't I didn't do that Like he literally was like like flying along he was like whack. And I turn around and I give him a look of like, youre al right man? And you're like, I dont know, I don't know. Do you know what you' talking about, man? I was I was meant I was meant to do that me. I was that's I was supposed to do that like guy. Yeah yeah, Yeah Didn't tell anyone I flew into that window, man. Th then once Alice woke up it was time to go get her lunch. Lily's probably already had her lunch but Sophie would do vice versa, swap it around. One time I got to go to town and because I had to go and get some calpul for for Lily. So I got tool off for that as well. It only took like thirty five minutes but I still managed to get Tol off for it. So yeah, Sophie's Pa is essentially telling me to do something that takes ages and then Sahazagod is because it took ages And I don't know how did I don't know how I didn't kill anyone on the holiday. I got bollocks for that a couple of times actually. It was like I looked it up where the nearest pharmcy was and it was it was like something like thirteen minutes there and thirteen minutes back So obviously, what's that twenty six tooook us thirty five minutes. Oh yeah, that was five minutes to get served and four minutes for the woman who was serving us to have a chat with our mate next to her who didn't seem to be working there that didn't seem to be us. I was in there wanting to buy the cowpul. I stood there with the cowpul in me hand going Can I buy this? No, I just having this big long. Hey, I don't care if it sounds racid or not. I'm just going to say it I've been to Spain twice in this month. There is no urgency in that country whatsoever. I'll tell you that now. I and if there is, I've not seen it. and I'm sorry if that's a reductive racist thing to say and if that's the thing that gets me cancellled so be it. Well, I might even do the accent later on. who knows that's something to listen out for, right? Cul might do the accent. later later on. So fourteen minutes there, fourteen minutes back, four minutes for them to chat or sorry, thirteen and then five minutes for us to fucking get served to cash her card. Do you want to bag? all that bllics. She took an age An absolute age. back I've been thirty five minutes. whereere were you? How come it took you that long? been away for an hour, I haven't so. if it's been thirty five minutute. Well I don't think it should take you that look. Well what are you basing it on What are you basing it on talk to me like, All right, fine, fine, fine, fine But no, it was it was fun. It was a fun holiday And then there was another time where Sophie was in for Alice's nap and Lily wanted to go back to the room myself. so I I wanded out for a little off campus pint because you know there's only so much all inclusive swill You can drink I got tot love for that actually. I was, you know, like day one youre drinking the all inclusive stuff. You're like, oh, hey, this is fantastic this. And then day two and three you're like, Jesus, I don't know how much more of this I can drink. and then maybe that's just because you're drinking it in such large quantities. So it was nice to go out and just get a different pint of I think I' got a pint of Heineigen just for like a different taste of Astra Mind you, the bottles of Australa was all inclusive as well. So I was on the bottles and you had to pay extra for the cororonas but I didn't mind signign in a few of them to the room as well. But I nipped out for a little off campus paint. And it reminded of the Warren's Evon song, the Rosalita Beach Cafe. It was one of those hot dry di a dozen Mexican of days when I fell through the roads of the Rosalita Beach Cafe G myself a table with a view and a E somethingomet else. anotherother cool doc is on the way. I've got a million dollar bill, but they can't change it. They won't let me leave until my tab is paid, so I might as well settle down, buy the house another round, send my mail to the Rosalida Beach Cfe And that was my idea of freedom. That was my idea of of living somewhere for the rest of my life. I got about twenty minutes and then I was like,, okay, I'll head back. I'll head back before I get bllocked. I think the obviously you don't go on a family holiday to be by yourself, but the The twenty minutes I got to myself, it was a It was it was on Father's Day And I heard some of the other dads were going around on fucking bike rides and playing golf and this and that. But again, I've already had me Lad's holiday. So I said Sophie she made it a lovely mug, best dad and all that. The kids made the card, it was lovely And they said like and Sophie was like, is there anything you want to do like on you now? And Sophie, the only thing I want to do is go on that on site water slide that they've got over there and I want to go on that slide five times. I think that's what I want. I don't. I think I think I've tried to narrow it down. what's the smallest number of goals I want on that slide and I think it's five And I'll tell you for why. You can't just go on a wateraters sllide once, Chr. because you need to go on with different mentalities, don't you? so go number one is just the introductory halo what are we're dealing with here? And then shot number two on the water slide is you can you can enjoy it a bit more because you know what you're expecting, right? And then three and four well, guess what? That's completely up to you. If you want to go down backwards, if you want to go down sideways, if you want to go down and do a little twist on the way down so you You're rotating constantly. Well, three and four, that's that is your free play, my friend And then obviously number five is to say goodbye So I can't I've tried. I've u I've rumbled, ruffled the numbers. I've done the calculations. I can't get that down to anything other than five. So I was allowed to go on the slide five times. Well, I tell a lie, I got six goes out of it. I went on for you've got to have a bonus ball as well, haven't you? So I I got me five fiveive goals plus a bonus ball of the slide. But it was great, man, honestly. It was like, but you know what I mean? about like drinking the oh yeah, I was gonna to say the accent. Yeahah. So I was I was And poor in the all inclusive Australa And it's just self service when you're at dinner, but it's like there so much froth comes out first. So I was just letting it pour because that's what the pool guys were doing as well. The guys serving at the pool bar. And the guy came over, he was like, us you know, I think you can do the accent if it's like white on wh white if's if it's white on white. If it's white on white, I'm doing the accent, right? So if this is what gets me cancellled, so be it He was just like, Oh, set Oh, sir please, you are wasting and I was like, oh what? I'm wasting the fucking all inclusive swill, A? Like, oh yeah, because you're gonna run out of this. like yeah, because it's such fucking high end. It is, obviously I'm not I'm not complaining again. It's just it's amazing how quickly you get used to everything You know, likeike um day one It was like, o, well, you know, that you've missed lunch ' you've just got here You've missed lunch because you just got here, but it doesn't matter becausecause there's a pool bar that just snacks and you read the menu, you're like, oh, fucking hell look at this. quesadillas, hot dogs, and he there's a whole Asian section. It's like they do katsu curry, they're doing the pool pork gozes. I was like I text Ramsey like, I the pool snack bar's like blooditty wagammas By the day three of pool food, it was like fucking big Lues. If you don't know Big Lues, it was all you can eat buffet I had one in the Metro center. and I'm pretty sure they had one in Gateshead as well. And if you went there When you were a kid O some sort of kids party when you were a bit old then you were allowed to go somewhere when you was were fourteen If you went to Big Luke, it it like you By won the lottery, honestly, but then But yeah, it was amazing how quickly the how quickly the Now that your rose is in bloom, how quickly the bloom comes off the rose? As if that's how I have to remember the It's like the office, my friend Pat took a turn. Godard my mind's all over the place. It's like I feel like I'm overtired,ike I can't stop. I can't stop and u And I can't well, what's the opposite of stopping? I can't I can't start. That doesn't make sense. Right. anyyway. the omelet guy as well. I had a big fucking problem with the omelet guy. So day one of ordering an omelette, I said, Dom, I'll have an omelette with everything. And he was like, all right, yeah, I know where's three minutes. And I was like, rightight minint. So I went three minutes, I went got myself a drink and all that. This is after we've got the kids ready, after I've got the coffees in mee and Sophie sppied that the Duke Psecco with breakfast fucking Mr. Hallo have some of them. cameame back and the omelets just there waiting for us. I was like, all right, fantastic. okay, you ask for it, he makes it, he puts it down, you collect it whenever. brilliant Great Second time at a different omelet guy. I do the same deal. this' a second day, same deal and And I said it. and then I walked away and I came back and he hadn't fucking started. And he kept gesturing those as he was like, o I'm waiting for like ' he only had two pans as well, the whole fucking place, two pans for one omette guy And he kept gesturing and punt a miming because he didn't speak English. the cheek of it that he was waiting for some fucking guy to come back who pushed in by the way, some jumped up fucking guy looking like Jake Paul And I' like,, whyy don't you give me his? And he's like, Oh, no, I can't possibly do that And I was like, right, okay, no worries. So the third day I ordered again and I just stood there and then he was like, it'll be three minutes. I was like, no worries, I can wait. And he was like, but it's three minutes. I was like, you can go somewhere. I was like, it's alry, mate I'll wait So then he looked like he was in a bit of a hf because I was waiting. And then the next day, on it was that night, he was also doing Yakis soba on the nighttime, which I was very disappointed with because he was just getting the fucking pasta from the spaghetti Bolologners and putting that in the pan and then pouring a carton of and it just said Yakis soa sauce on it So once I realized what that was. so he's making that, I was like, right no worries, I'll come back. He was like, Oh why why why why you go away? Wh you go away? fucking So I kept coming back every fucking time. So annoyed. Like I just kept going, I fucking not swearing. I was going like I fucking hate the omelet guy and then Lily just went, Well stop ordering them But it was great. It was and then it was like going going to do dinner, being all done for eight o'clock so you could go to the kids disco. and we were usually all tucked up in bed by about ten o'clock. couple of nights where I steayered up and I went to the bar onn my own once the kids were in bed and so he was in bed to go and watch the World Cup. But other than that it was Yeah, it was just a very a very nice, nice affair, you know? The only bad day we had was when we went to the beach and I fucking I've learned like I hate the beach. I hate boat trips. I hate being on a coach when we could have got a private transfer And but I realize now it's pointless me saying any of this to Sophie. The only way I can get me own way is if I just go ahead with it once and let her see how shight I knew it was going to be. And then she turns around. she goes, if I ever say Let's go on a boat. Let's go on a courch Let's go to the beach again tellell us to get fucked It's like it's hard enough, it's hard enough with two kids. You don't need to throw a sand into the equation as well and I had to pay it was something like fortyquid for four sun beds, you know? Like forty euros. I hate saying that. It sounds like I'm complaining, but it's like it's a lot. I think it's because when I was young, I remember when euros first came, I remember someone was kicking off over how much a game a pool was and we like Two Euros. I don't know where he was from, but he just kept going Euros Hell me, what's that What's that T So I't I don't ever want to complain about how much stuff cost ever again because I've always just got that guy in my head fucking you you rose, you rose. So So But yeah, it was just nothing nothing madeajor to report other than it was just a brilliant holiday and we're all absolutely done. M clothes don't fit me no more. And then but you know, once you get you get back and oh God. So we're waiting the to drop our bags off this morning like for an hour because it was like fuck looad of people, like like about three flights worth and two checking in Palmer. And then the queue seemed to go down really fast because I was like, o, the look, they've realized they can put more staff on. so the staff went from two to five And then it just went back down to two again. And why just there for like again, like fucking there is no urgency like o this ceue. I'm going to do the accent. Oh this this cue seems to be going down far too quickly. Oh, let's remove some stuff at critical points of the day So just it went down from five to two. It's not even an accent, is it? It's not you can't even call that racist because it's just it's not even It's so juven And that Your Honor, that would be my defense as well And eventually I couldn't take it. I had to go over to the stupid fucking My life's ambition is to work hard enough where I never have to talk to a holiday rep again, but I have to talk to one day and his stupid fucking twoy blue shirt and blue shorts and his clipboard He was in charge of waving over people in the queue so they could stand in another queue behind two of the slowest people who've ever worked in Pala Airport. And I went up to them and I just went, Is there any reason why this seems to be taking a particularly long time And he said, Oh yeah, yeah, we've went from five to two. I went, Yeahah, is there any reason why you've done that? Oh Oh well, so' we've had to move staff around. I went, o, whyy has nothing advanced for the last twenty minutes? Well, these people are in a big group. I went, okay, so what's the? Well big groups travel together. I went It'sorry made. I know what a group is just just why Why do the know? Yeah, I get so annoyed. I get so annoyed. I was just watching this big fat hnt in a red T shirt. And you know, you're just in the queue. And I'm just looking and I'm going, he's not fucking move. He's been there. I feel like what is he doing? Like is he giving the lady' passport page by page? Like what the fuckking hell's he doing So I just got so annoyed and then and then got to rush the kids through the kids were spot on. Alice was great. Lily was great. She got to pick her own lunch general, you'd pomb airport, You've got like aurer King McDonald', you' got Popeyes, you' got a subway, you've got fucking anything a fourteen year old version of you would would Abssolutely buzz off. didn't get to get anything. I got a fucking ham and cheese toasty on the plane because we had to rush through Palma Airport But Lily got, you know, enough time to pick out a she got aa tuna sandwich and a pack of Christmas. She was absolutely fucking buzzing with her And then, um, And then yeah, the plane was it was delayed for an hour. We on the tarac for an hour, but again, the kids didn't care. They had the iPads and all that and And yeet like I got back and like normally the first thing I do is like, right, let's unpack the suitcases, Let's have we'll all have a shower and I was likeuck like it doesn't matter. It's four o'cock The kids don't go to bed half six. so that's just two and a half hours of playing with the kids and bathing the kids giving the kids just did like a little bit of moreore the little bit of time that you've got left and the bit of energy that you've got left and then Lily bless. She was like, so we had to play Barby's as soon as we got back. And then And then she was like, let's play a sausage roll. And I can't believe she remembers it because I haven't played it for months, but it's when I'm bouncing Lily up and down on the bed And and Alice is just like running around cheerleading and going like, yes, yes, sausage roll. Yes, yes. And I would just lie Lily down and pretend as if like I'm doing a cookingon show of like, all, right and here's how we make a sausage roll. And then like like wrap the blanket around Lily. obbviously make sure our heads like not getting wrapped up and then just roll her up. and that's what we're playing. It's like that's what having kids you does. like I used to go on hiday and like I need to go in the shower immediately. I need to get all this plain fucking shit offers and now Like I'm literally rolling around my own bed, like unwashed, just to pass just to get the half six for bed and passing Well, I'm sorry, this is being a bit more of a more of a stream of consciousness as it usually as it normally is. but yeah, hope you've enjoyed it. Really nice checking in with these again. And maybe I'll be a bit f. I didn't want to do three I didn't want to record like three episodes of Birmingham Glee last week because it was like last week's and then the pit run and then than this thought I didn't want to do that. I thought I don't want to give you like myd my third like lot of stories in one day. whereereas now it's like I thought at least I've got another week of shit to talk about. so but I'll have to do it when I'm back from holiday. So anyway I'll check in with you again next week. Thank you also very very much and have a good week. Thank you, goodbe