Reflecting on American Division

This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, likeike restoring a vintage motorcycle from a fifty page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online makes sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responssees setup required compatibility and availability varies eighteen plus Hey it's Ryan Reynold here from MintitMobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for fifteen dollars a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made fifteen dollars bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile dot com slash switch Upront pay forty five dollars for three months ninety dollars for six mons one hundred ninetyllars forel month, reired fifteen dollars for month equalent to teaxasess extra. initial term only greater than fif gigytes from slow netork busy t You're listening to comomedy Central I know I've got great opinions, but it turns out I'm not the only one. Studies show that other people also have opinions. So here with another installment of in my opinion is our good friend, Nick Offerman Hello, I'm velvet tongued carpenter, Nick Offerman Everyone knows it's important to remember the birthday of the one you love. and the one I love is America. Don't worry, my wife Meghan knows, and she's not not into it. And this year happens to be a particularly big birthday for America. Communities from sea to shining sea, celebrating two hundred and fifty years since the Declaration of Independence was signed, proclaiming freedom from Great Britain and the birth of a new nation. Happy Birthday America A you two? A you three and so on America's semi quinentennial is here and to throw its semi quinignera, I hope we have a great party planner In my campaign for president, I pledgeed to give America the most spectacular birthday party the world has ever seen for America's two hundred fiftieth anniversary Sheee he Sure, Trump plan the party. It's not like you have anything else going on Gas prices are hovering just below fury road levels, but have fun picking out the balloons Hang on, perhaps I am rushing to judgment. We can only hope Trump puts as much love into America's birthday as he would for Jeffrey Epstein I abhore the message, but I do appreciate a handwritten card. Any asshole can go to hallmark, but calligraphy shows you care So how is the president going to show us he cares about America For the first time in American history, the signature of a sitting president will soon be featured on US currency. The treasury announing the decision to celebrate the nation's two hundred fiftieth birthday this summer, saying President Trump's signature is not only appropriate, but also well deserved Signing the dollar bills But Mr. President, how can you sign them all And For that you would need an auto pen Fine, He can sign the money At least it's just a signature and not his face President Trump's face could soon be on U.S. money. A commission, handpicked by Trump himself, has approved the design for twenty four kat gold coin to commemorate America's two hundred fiftieth birthday Wow A coin with Donald Trump's face. Finally, a way to lose the respect of a gumball machine I'm not sure about that coin, but I'm really not sure about that pose. It looks like he's trying to pinch one out at a standing toilet But okay, okay, fine I guess if it's just one coin The U. S. Treasury is preparing to put President Trump on a one dollar coin to commemorate America's two hundred fiftieth birthday Another coin mister President, can you please stop putting your face on things I keep in my front pocket inches from my genitals As well as my back pocket inches from my butthole You know I would have assumed that the party theme for America's birthday would have been, I don't know, America But I'm sensing from the party decorations that a different theme is emerging The commemorative National Park passes for our country's two hundred fiftieth anniversary feature an image of Donald Trump alongside one of George Washington Oh, come on, your face on the park passes? I go to national parks to get away from your face Man And to see those idiot salmons swim in the wrong direction the cat, they are so stupid Okay. commemorative coins and park passes will come and go. One day, they'll all be lost to time. At least nothing he's doing for America's birthday is permanent. The president is proposing a permanent arch in Washington. It's being called the Arch D Trump. He wants it to be the biggest arch in the world, two hundred fifty feet tall to honor the country's two hundred fifteth anniversary . Adelike And u Whichever one they look good. I happen to think the large looks my father pass Can he play with his model replicas in the basement like a normal deommentic grandpa? Can we stop with these self aggrandizing celebrations like you're some Roman emperor? What's next? Gladiator fights President Trump announced a UFC fight will take place at the White House on june fourteenth. This is what it will turn into for UFC with the octagon in the middle What in the name of Caligula's? is happening Floodsports for the entertainment of a Caesar is not a show of strength. It's literally the first sign of a declining empire Number two of course, is starting a war in Persia Oh shit. Look, it's pretty obvious that President Trump is making this two hundred fiftieth celebration about himself, but we can't let This is America's birthday. It's not about one man, it's about our country and its ideals. So forget the empty jingoistic posturing and find your own ways to patriotically party down Go to historical reenactments, or better yet, do your own. If you've never thrown tea into a harbor, you have not lived. Get into a fist fight with an actual British person. Dibbs on Cumberbatch For hell Forget that, go into one of those national parks, celebrate America's natural beauty And while you're there, get in your birthday suit and partake of some tasteful love making with someone you care about. Dibbs on Cumberbatch My point is technically you will be having a loving, patriotic threereeway with America. And that is how you celebrate a birthday. But that's just my opinion Picture this It's the middle of summer, the family is packed into the car for a road trip and about two hours into the middle of nowhere, the engine starts making a sound like a blender full of wrenches. The transmission gets out Now there's a breakdown on the shoulder of the highway with restless kids, a stressed out spouse, and a brutal pit in the stomach, knowing a massive out of pocket repair bill is on its way It's an absolute nightmare And that's why Carhield is a lifesaver They take the absolute terror out of car breakdowns. 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It was also his birthday, so he threw the classiest of celebrations. He had BMX jumps, birds of prey, fighter jets, and one big UFC fight on the White House lawn And I traveled to our Capitol to tap in for the fun. How' two hundred fifieth baby,?' two fifty. And want people knocked out. And what people knocked out? twow hundred fifty, baby? two hundred fifty. twow hundred fifty here for the fight. Everybody's in a really positive attitude. They're happy to be here. Dude, even the homeless here's cool man. Yeah. The homeless here are like clean, man. They got like outfits and shit., They're like Ronald scooters and shit. Those aren't homeless people. Those are people who used to work for the federal government about a year ago.. Why are you here Freedom and beer, My future ex wife, hopefully. Thank you for your honesty. People just coming here because they want to see the American dream and this is it. This is themerican dream. This is the American dream. Twoeaty guys fighting on the White House l. why not? Well, it feels like the American fever dream to me. What it's time to be alive, right? I'm a here with my daughter, I' trying to embarrass her a lot. Yeah. She's trying to find a boyfriend. She's trying to find a boyfriend. This is brought her to a UFC fight. Exactly. God bless. Father of the ear over here. Flayers can always defend against anybody trying to get after my daughter. I'm pretty sure they can defend them. Yeah, that's what they're known for Healthy masculated. Yes. I was alive during the nineteen seventy six two hundredth anniversary You were there six and I was there. Who fought then? Nobody fought then. What? Nobody fuck there. Everybody loved each other. Everybody was shaking hands. You need to just love each other. Yeah We need to act to peace. We need to put that on a stage so people can try to aspire to something. Absolutely. way we to do that byighting some guys who will just beat the shit out of each other. Well, maybe, if that's what it takes, Yeah. It's a wonderful gift for a man who's been a fan of fighting since before the nineteen seventies energy crisis What do you think about Trump throwing a fight on his lawn on his birthday It's like the most American birthday that you have. Oh my go, there's guys jumping dirt bikes Yeah. There's guys fighting in the front yard. Yeah. This is like the best birthday a ten year old could have.. We're all ten years old at heart right? So we're all ten year old at heart. How many fights you think he'llay awake for inside Don't you hear he's up twenty hours a day, He doesn't ever sleep? But I do think he sleeps because we watch it on television. No, you watch them freeze frame the camera when he blinks his eyes. Okay. I mean there's some of those al camera freez us. No, No. Rest in his eyes. He might rest his eyes. So for anyone not resting their eyes, what will this UFC two hundred fifty event actually look like Who thinks gonna to win the big fight tonight? My favorite fight is definitely Prea Vvers Scon, and I got Perea by knockout in three.. No, the big fight I assume the J six' versus Capitol Police. Oh. Is that not happening? My money's on Capitol Police though. I always root for an underdog here. Of course, there is a very real historical precedent to spectacles like this. Kind of going back to gladiators. It does It feels gladiatorial. mean the Romans loved it. the Greeks loved it. Everybody loved it some kind of gladiator. Is it sort of like a cosum We all come way, but yeah.es. Yeah. The emperor is giving us bread and circus. Yeah. Yeah. ye. O monster drinks and circus. Yeah. Yeah. So which emperor is Trump? Is he like Nero or Bro? like He's like Anakin Skotywalker. Not like Darthader. N not like Darth Vader. No. Anakin he had those authorarian leanings, right? Yeah, yeah. You know, he had some power, and you know, he know how to use it. you know with great power comes great responsibility. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what Spider Man said. He might be like Caligula. It's true. Caligula tried to get his horse voted into the Senate, I believe. I mean, Trump tried to get Mark Wayne Mullen. So mayaybe that's not a fair comparison. I mean I have seen horses count, so that's not a fair comparison. Yeah. But ancient rules don't matter because this crowd is still giving their champion a big thumbs up How do you think Donald Trump do in the? Who's fighting? Barack Obama? I you win that? Do think Donald Trump would beat up Barack Obama? How tall is Barack Obama? Wings fan. I mean, is that really were gonna get that nitty gritty? You think it's gonna to be that close? Don com' down to that, man. Donald Trump is pooling blood at his ankles and falls asleep at MSG. Donald Trump versus Barack Obama, whoo wins I don't know Trump's eighty. What? The White House, medical people say he's in great shape, so you trust that? Are you trusting them? or are you trusting your eyes on this? JD Vance Pozempic thinking Donald Trump is Hitler versus JD Vance as Donald Trump's vice president, who wins? I'm still working on JDVance. you're not sure? No. Would you watch a JD Vance fight fighting himself? Sbody tells me this fight is happening in his head all the time. It could be. As the combat sports evvent sponsored by American institutions like crypto dot com and poolymarket, playid out on our actual White House lawn, viewers everywhere saw some of the uglier side of the culture. Michelle Obama is amaz I wondered what does this say about America to the rest of the world? I can understand the criticism. L I get what people are saying. Yeah, you know it looks bad on the country. You got a lot of countries that are jealous because Well some people see America as sort of like a land of borish folks.. Trashy, no class. I don't think we're any more trashy than any other country. You know, like I read something today Oh, it's a big redneck yard sale. You see that that spins. P peopleople spins it. There's people having a fight on a front yard in front of an open construction project with a guy who's bragging about an above ground pool. and somehow that feels trashy. Yeah. Do you have any fear that there's criticism that this is a little trashy? No. Hey, are any of us trashy Yeah're Oh you are. okay. Yeah self identified. Thank you for. Thank you for your honesty. Happy birthday, Emperor Trump. And man, I need good news. I need some good news. I need some relief. and I'll tell you why because as many of you know, that big Freedom two hundred fifty concert that I'd so been looking forward to. I someone in the aience just died The concert I've still been looking forward to has run into some problems. Six musical artists originally announced as performers now dropping out, many citing political concerns. The Commodors, Martina McBride, Morris Day and the Time, rapper Young MC, and poison frontman Brett Michaels Although at this point, wouldn't he just be MC Or brrother, I feel you. I feel you. Or just like, you're as young as you feel, MC sixty is the new forty MC. right. But damn They didn't want to be part of Donald Trump's personal political concert. Is anyone still performing? America is turning two f. I'm super honored to do this concert with everybody. We're gonna bring back the nineties. There you go. See, everybody dropped out, but not Vanilla Ice. Vanilla Ice didn't drop out. He saw a problem and yo, he solved it Check out his hook is TJ. All right Again, say what you want. veryery likable fellow. And by the way, the other artist who said that they are not bailing is CNC Music factactory who, as you know, were devastated by globalization and the offshoring of most of America's music factories. Their front man, Freedom Williams, had an interesting, I would say somewhat philosophical take on the issue of the intersection of performance and politics. Y'all gonna make this pretty sixty year old unleash on you, mother. I'm sitting on the cor of taking this shit. Sir, this is not a good time We can certainly come back and discuss this later, but you know, let's not focus on where he's making the video or his Katnus and Peta fanfix sht or the cottage core wallpaper Let's focus on the message. The day I let you love tell me what to do is the day I die Pretty pretty straightforward You love this country, Critics be damned. Iink of a about two hundred and fifty years a capitalism in D. Maybe love was too strong a word Why? Freedom? wouldould you do the show celebrating two hundred and fifty years of motherf capitalism and death? Shit, you keep pushing me I' do the mother show in North Korea, pissing on a American flag, smoking a Cuban cigar, drinking Venezuela wild, playing golf with Mother and Kim L June with Iranian bitch on my lap. While Trump standing there with in his hand Everybody d. Who was Kim E Jun Is that like the Mexican Kim Jamon He might be my favorite person in the world. But by the way, if you thought Freedom Williams, ranting about our murderous nation and our president with his in his hand is the weirdest thing about how this concert is coming together . According to CNN, quote, The concert lineup was heavily tilted toward Legacy As, and many of them shared the same booking agent in Jeff Epstein of Universal Aractions What Jeff Epstein of Universal atttractions is in charge of, forgive me, recruiting talent for a Donald Trump party. That's what you're telling me In planning our country's two hundred fiftieth birthday, somebody had to go into Donald Trump's office and say, I know just the guy How bad do you feel for that guy After years of being not that Epstein, he finally gets all of his acts booked. It's all coming up, Epstein. And then the axe collapsed. He finally thought he was gonna to get his happy his. But noope, noope. Once again, they leaveem hanging. Sorry. I'm sorry Too soon We didn't know we had so many Epstein sympathizers In the room. Jeffrey Epstein joke, how could you Standard annual medical visits often leave individuals with vague reactive feedback like everything looks fine without providing a real data driven game plan for long term optimization. Superpower completely changes that dynamic by shifting from reactive medicine to proactive health intelligence. 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Sam's Club But do Americans today want to be remembered? Troy Iwata hit the streets to find out It's America's two hundred fiftieth birthday, and our government is preserving this moment in a very special way. As part of a celebration, Congress has mandated the creation of a time capsule. The Commission's chairwoman Rosie Rios says, quote, We want future generations to have a clear, authentic window into who we were at two hundred fifty. So in two hundred fifty years, when future Americans open this time capsule, will they be jealous of the golden age we're currently living in? I'm asking present day patriots what they think Now, why is twenty twenty six the best year in American history to preserve for future generations? Be It's not. Not really. Oh. Well, I don't think it's the best year to preserve for future generations. I would say it's not the best I'd say. Did you see how twenty twenty six started? Yes.. Anda released like nine movies. What do you think we can put into this time capsule that's representing America in twenty twenty six? the height. of American society. I was thinking like a pile of shit maybe. I think if somebody went and took a shit right outside the White House, pick it up, put in a time capsule. Oh, that's gross. Surely people have more positive ideas and less feces based ones What do you think we should put in this time capsule? Lena Dunham's new memoir? Lena Dunham's new memoir, Famesick. That's a really good idea. The people of the future definitely need Lena Dunham's memoir, Famesick. There was a picture of a burning cybertruck in front of Trump' tower. I figure that quite encapsulates a few thought. What do you think is more important to put in the time capsule? This map that shows Canada, Greenland, and Cuba still as independent countries or this laboou m right here. We don't know in two hundred and fifty years, if they're still gonna to be independent? Well, we don't know if they're still gonna to be independent in two hundred and fifty minutes. That's true. Wereoos are forever. Okay. All the pessimism on the streets was starting to get to me. And soon I found myself drinking the heatery. Is there an item that you think represents America that you would put in the time capsule? I'm a teacher. country It's child's book It's funny that you think children might know how to read in two hundred and fifty years. I've already lost cur. What are some other items, maybe even from the Trump era that could go in there? Do you think RFK junior's brainworm would survive in there? I do. yeah. I want a voice memo of him speaking just in general. Okay. Do you think people in the future would know that that's a human speaking? No yeah I know what I would put in the time capsule. I would put this But I would also put this. to show that I have range. L looks like RFK's ringworm is like in your brain. Thank you. Oh my God. But in two hundred and fifty years, who will even be around to pull these headshots from the time capsule I don't know if there's going to be like a civilization to access it. They're probably wearing hazmat suits and you know. I mean, let's be honest, they'll probably bust this thing open in sixty five years in desperate search for food. What do you think America's gonna to look like in two hundred fifty years? Oh my Godd. They should split America too. We should segregate again. I mean, let's face it. in two hundred fifty years, America might be a desolate wasteland. So maybe we should put some like survival gear in this time capsule. that may be fresh water granola bars, a gun with a single bullet off the top of my head. I'm an optimist. And I used to be. Clearly the best thing to put in this time capsule is an apology letter for the state we left the country in. Maybe we can all write it together. Dear future Americans slash potential Chinese slash potential Russian Citizens. We're sorry that weed I made mistakes. Yes. And I'm sorry that I have only attended two no Kings rallies so far We used to have trees. Hopefully you still have them, but if you don't, we're sorry. That was on us. We're sorry for not understanding each other well. I'm sorry that my Zoloft prevents me from making active changes Honestly, honestly. I just w to say good luck because y'all are gonna need it. Things can get better. Things can get better. We're not responsible for any of those things. We may have made things worse, but All right, so how should we sign this? Reretfully. Reretfully Americans of twenty twenty six are bad. hundred fifieth birthday is right around the corner and President Trump is celebrating it with a ballroom, a reflecting pool and an arch All stuff that was not on our Amazon wishlist. America asked for healthcare, God damn it. We send you a link and everything Now technically, Trump is not really allowed to build most of these things, but when has that ever stopped him The Washington Post is now reporting that the Trump administration is planning on building the arch without Congress's approval. The administration argues that it doesn't need Congress's approval because lawmakers, a century ago, authorized a somewhat similar project that was never built Man, I just can't figure this administration out. They're not looking for congressional approval for a war with Iran, but they have lawyers going through all the old laws, doing a control F for the word arch How did they find this I mean, but Trump isn't the only one commemorating America's birthday. We here at the Daily Show are celebrating as well. And there are so many great moments in history to look back on. although when you think about it Maybe not as many as you think America's history is complicated Our once proudest moments Now problematic Our triumphs Morally grand Milestones eroded by backlash. Our beloved heroes There's still one moment in American history that brings us all together the nineteen ninety two Olympic basketball Dream team. B most incredible basketball players ever assembled. And also Christian Leitner It's literally the last thing all Americans can look at and just say, That was awesome. Boom, Chakalaka Americans must forever reckon with stealing the lands of indigenous people, but we'll never have to apologize for Barlay stealing the rock four times against Brazil. Cal. Walking on the moon now just reminds us of the conspiracy theories destroying the fabric of our nation. But how about This fabric, the big head t shirt of the drink team. Man, that shirt was cool. I had six of 'em The end of the Cold War collapsed our political consensus. But the dream team collapsed everyone's defense. mister Gorbachev, tear down this backboard The dream team has no dark past to revisit. no statues to tear down. just absolute dominance by the greatest basketball players of all time And Christian Leitner Were they perfect? Was their top competition Valdderamas Comichis of Lithuania? Did some of them have a gambling problem? Did Michael Jordan's son end up dating Scottty Pippin's ex wife? Which sounds even weirder when you realize she must have known him as a baby? Well, shut the fuck up. okay? Don't take this from us too. Just enjoy this American exceptionalism So happy birthday, America. Thanks for the Dream team. The one thing we all agree we can be proud of and Christian Laitner The girl is shot The chairs are held together by optimism. And what happened to the rug? 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Our mayor is Muslim Bls are Jewish, are Timothay Chalamay Nix in five Honestly, look, man, S shit happened that wasn't great. The night was marred by some violence. I mean, what would you guys on the right rather be watching? The White House is getting ready to rumble with UFC, very excited to see this. Epic, epic day. Hey. Isn't that awesome? Bight night. And I'm actually personally looking forward to it, very, very much. I have a ticket plus one, my brother. I gotta tell you, I'm pumped. I feel like my life is gonna change this weekend Is that guy trying to f his brother? Whatt' going? T I browning We're probably gonna to be holding on we I know what's gonna happen So You didn't care for New York's joyful night marred by a small amount of violence because it wasn't focused enough on the violence part. Yes, Sunday Night gave the president and his accollytes an opportunity to rebut the joyous communion of teamwork that embodied the New York Knickerbockers for a joyless, Vegas style trudge through the people's house now transformed into a gold plated pummeling center where the gladiator's God was praised for his foreboent parents and of course, sack Cout out the Trump for having the balls to put some shit like this on. And if you were at home watching this thinking to yourself, is this a parody? Are they filming idiocracy Next thing, you know, they will be branding the cutaways to our country's commander in chief. I gott to thank President Trump for making this happen. This is unbelievable. It takes such a special person to be able to have the balls to do something like this. And I have so much respect for him Monster energy drink Is that really cool? Are we now just taunting the old man Pretty late night, mister President, getting sleepy. Got an early negotiation in the morning I betg you're not manad enough to throw down a red, white and blue raspberry snzzler snazz of your tankt off What a god awful mockery of an event that somehow managed to find a way to devalue both combat sports and our national dignity. Who even aired this embarrassing shit? The event aired on Paramount Pus And what a fine event it was once again, the leaders of Paramount Plus, providing us all with incredible content at Reasonable prices I am proud to stand with the Paramount family and whatever shows they decide to either cancel or put on. And lastly. Michelle Obama is a man My God, what a fucking asshole You know what? just awful I look forward to his performance on next week's comics Unleashed. I'll let myself out. And by the way, if you thought this entire spectacle was inappropriate for something that takes place in the peripheral vision of Lincoln Well, that's a you problem. Something that middle America, the average American could connect with. It's coming back to a sense of like, we don't need the snobby elites anymore pretending they're too good for us. Yeah, you know, the average American, they don't want their White House to stand for certain morals and values. The regular people in this country want their president to live in a slightly more violent hooters A slightly less violent waffle house But somehow those of us who live in the shitole parts of the country are the ones looking down on you They'll probably be having like a Pride show or something for two hundred fiftieth with with, you, nak could men. Did you even watch You tired of this. You guys always trying to draw a distinction between the real America of the heartland and the elites in the big city, but it's never been true. being a real American means sacrificing and working your ass off to try to achieve the Dream of a better life for your children No Americans are more real than New Yorkers. None of them. We have eight and a half million people here They're prim more hard working American value individuals in the liberal hellhole of New York City that exist in the entire states of Wyoming, Idaho, and Mississippi Bye. And yes, maybe two to three percent of those people are Spider Men, but still. Most New Yorkers don't go to the M Gala. And trust me, there are elites in the heartland too I know for a fact, Tulsa is ruled by kings. New York's a hard place to live, man. It's a hard city to live in There's a hundred different nationalities in a two block radius Ten pounds of people in a five pound bag. And it's one of those bags that people should really use to clean up after their dogs, but they don't, they sometimes don't But that's why weekends like the one we just had are all the more magical. where you feel the joy and striving and hope and let's face it, aroma of the people that you live really too close to. The real division in America isn't between cities and rural areas or suburbs or heartland values and coastal elites or liberals and conservatives It's between people anywhere who find joy in community versus those seem to only find it in feilty. And I know which America I want to occasionally step in dog shitting Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Sh, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show Week nights at eleven, tenen Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus This has been a comedy central podcast. 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