Reflecting on Healing and Future Growth

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Father's Day is Sunday, june twenty first. order right now and save up to twenty dollars at storyworth dot com slash dive Save up to twenty dollars at storyworth dot com slash dive. storyworth dot com slash dive Hi, I'm Jessica Saint Clair, and I'm June Diana Rayfieel. And this is the deep dive. We're about to do what women have done for centuries. We're crowding around the fire with our generous haunches. We got babies hanging off our tits and we're gonna share with you our fears. That's right, our joys, our tips on how to stay alive. Now Jess, we are heeding a call that no one has made. Not a soul, but you're invited to listen. Absolutely. 'cause we make one promise and one promise only. We will not Google a thing. 'cause frankly, we're too damn tired. Please get ready to go on. The deep dive No Zoom has, unfortunately, sometimes it modulates the sound so I couldn't hear it. but you probably all just Oh, you probably all just heard the cracking open. Its like a wildlife show, the cracking open of a full fatty Coke by one Jessica Stain. Claair. she's just sort of rocking her head. almost looks like she's in like charismatic prayer, you know, holding it up. And she took a sip and I know what time zone she is because I also know it's a little bit later in the day, but she's moving and And she is letting that carbination just soothe her whole body. Oh's She's taking it like she's just run a marathon Wow And now yeah, she's looking up, looking out. She is caffeinated and carbonated. Welcome to the deep dive. Jess I find you today with a full. should' just taken another sip and it's a sweaty coke, the best Well I'm in New Orleans. so there are no other kinds. Yeah, there no other kinds ggest that Cke looks delicious I was told a long time ago, by the way by a makeup artist She always saw me cracking open a diet Cocheron four PM. and she said You are better off, my friend with a fatty Yeah And I said Really? And she said, it is better for you to drink a full fatty than what you're drinking right now. No I never took her. I never took her where where were her? Cite her cite her learnings. She's not gonna to cite them, but I do believe that's true I don't need to look that up Back up almost a week ago, I arrive in the city of Sin Okay, the city of New Orleans, which I think that's not, I think that's Las Vegas, but I'm just recently off pain medication. so you're going to have to forgive me. And I'm doing a lot of that head bobbing that you were watching me do. I am doing that all over the property of this hotel I'm on by myself Kristen and Molly would leave me for a minute, come back, watch me just kind of grove to a beat that sometometimes is there and sometimes isn't Right. sometometimes you're a capeella ve I'm just gonna you know, yeah So it has been Like I feel like I've been on an Ayahasca trip Three or four times. That's what this has felt like. this morning Christen departed and then the skies opened up and there was like a New Orleans rainstorm that felt biblical. And she just as she rolled her little suitcase away, she just said, up The ghosts are all purging You know, the spirits are purging and just got into her Uber and drove away She's really quite a medium. so she was like, o, the ghosts are in the bathroom just so you know. And then it was like, Nighty night and then they' New Orleans is famously haunted. They're everywhere. They're everywhere, New Orleans. Ewhere. Like you're not, yeah, they're just permanent residents Well, and some of the residents look like they're on the other side as well. Yeah. In the neighborhood we were in, which was nearby the French quQuarter, we didn't realize at night the dead would come to life and do their own reveling. Yeah. And now you know, I sent over some bagels. I sent over some bagels and cream cheese. I don't know if they ever hrived. Here's what happened or if theyds got them and I would think if the ghosts got them, I'm also like I'm happy to have sort of paid the ghosts respects, you know, or the creatures of the night. Yeah,m like I'm happy to have fed them. But you know, I just never knew it did it arrive. So three days later it arrived. and I screamed out like it has risen. she he has risen. Like that day was like I could I could handle a bagel and they were so delicious. But then we were like, are these the second bagels? Like were they reported missing? We don't really know. so but thank you. And of course I would have texted you but simply lost my mind No. I was just curious, you know, because I know then I got a text from your friend saying like nobody send anything here. like' not a place to receive things. And I was like, o, you know you hate being that person who is like wanting to send something or do something nice and is causing trouble You know what I mean? it's like? Molly was running such a tight ship, but what I didn't realize is her little jog back and forth from Airbnb to hospital, she was literally risking her life every time she made it She was taking off all of her jewelry and then doing a light brisk job so like like the living or the dead couldn't grab her So like, you understand Manachoot I do understand. Weve had We should not have had so many llls that we've had in these moments Um One I'll just give you is Of course I could tell people could you maybe just reset our listener. Okay you don't go. Okay. o Okay. So M april twenty ninth, I arrive in the city of New Orleans because there's this wonderful surgeon Scott Sullivan, who does this special type of breast reconstruction, so I had to get my boobs redone, so he's going to do it. And he basically takes fat and tissue from other places in your body and builds up boobs. okay? It's a whole thing. sounds easy, breezy. It isn't. o, It's not It's not at all. I ask if I may, feel free to cut this, but is just in place of an implant? No. this Yes. Oh, so you don't have an implant. This is the implant. This is the implant And it's very difficult. Not very many people do it because he has to painstakingly hook up all of the nerves and blood vessels from the other. So my No better way to say it. My ass is in my boobs now assasses in your boobs Yeah, it's like dead in the living, the li' in the dead. That's where they live now, you know? I mean, truly, it's why it's wild. so So I arrived in town and I was fully expecting the two days leading up to surgery to be so traumatic and I'd be crying all the time, whatever. And I was by myself. But that isn't true because I popped a couple cllonopin and I hit the streets and I hit them running. and I and I was I was Having beignets, I was having an original mauffletta sandwich and you know, in the French quarter then I was going for dinner by myself to to the hotel I'm now in now, the Chloe. I was I shopped, I shopped I shopped till my phone went dead and I couldn't get an Uber home. And I had to charge my phone up at a boutique and wait and shop more while it charged up I was on fire And then Molly comes in, she can't get in until about eight PM the night before surgery. and she's like, listen It's going to be an early night, okay But she didn't know that I hadd already put a hex on her on her way in from Houston. Like I already like she was like, it's early night, okay? We're ordering pizza and going to sleep, okay? We have to be at the hospital at six AM. And I was like, okay, just meet me at the Hotel Saints Vincent, okay? It's not very far from the hotel. That's a lie. I said, we have a great restaurant. We'll go, okay, and then we'll be in that bed, I promise We had it wonderful gay man server who was a slip of a thing And he said, I'm not your average waiter. I'm going to take you on a journey of my favorites Well just he I mean, I'm sure there are certain at a certain point you can't eat anymore before surgery. I know you can't drink. I don't think you can Chair. It was hard to tell. they'd said It was hard to parse Be some of the small talk was going by Easy Breezy and I'm like, wait, can I have a drink So I you whher like you know, who knows? probablyrobably we're gonna to get some anesthesiologists up in the house saying, you know, I'll tell you what most people don't do is start out with twenty four oysters and shoot them Jessica, you had oysters tonight before? Okay, something is truly wrong with you You you had oysters. you were gonna say like penny with, you know little marinara some nice fresh parm, maybe a vodka sauce at them but I was like, she's gonna keep it light at least Oysters? No, the anesthesiologist's eyes went wild. She went't like, what Wow. She goes, that's a choice She said that is a choice period. But we had that, then we had a crab pasta, then we had I don't even know what when we had a catfish schchnitzel, we went fucking crazy. Then I'm like, I'll see that dessert menu Dessert At that point I was going dessert Can I see that dessert menu Cubida desserts Oh my, okay. o o. I can only describe us getting back to the hotel at eleven PM a little bit drum Now Molly is like Tell anybody I did this. Why did I do this to you? I'm so bad. Don't tell anybody So when six AM came, boy, oh boy, we were feeling it. Now I knew I'd be asleep soon, but she was fucked. So I said my goodbye to her And uh The surgery was nine hours long Oh my gos. Well, that's awesome. so Molly was led into my room. My hospital she fell asleep like weekend at Bernie. She was out cold because she was so tired and hung over. I didn't realize it was that long. It was so long. so they rolled me in and then Jeez Jress I know, it was so crazy. and I didn't know what had happened to me really. There were a lot of game day decisions that were going to be made So I truly, when I woke up, I had no idea what was happening. but I was so committed to having this journey be different. that it was weird. It was like my brain was looking out for all the positives So when I came to, I was like, oh my God, I'm in this beautiful room. They have their own surgery center. Beautiful room looked like Joanna Gaines. had design had a Murphy bed pulled out for Molly. She's like, I already pulled it out. I was sleaving on it, you know And then and then we so we had a night the nurses were like Uh the most special significant women. I got into it with every single one of them. held some of them, you know, rocked some of them, some of them rocked me. course I was very open to the dead. so I was telling a lot of them, you know, that they're their loved ones who had crossed and obviously were using me as a vessel in that night And it was really all fun and games. And then we got to the Airbnb and that was a lovely Airbnb, but obviously, in this crazy neighborhood, And then this, you know, shit starts to get real, as they say on the housewives, you know You start to really go, what thingsings that make you go hm. Wow See, I've had two surgeries It's so interesting because I don't know because I've had two surgeries and I love both of them so much. so well one I was awake for, which is just simply a C section and the other was more involved, but I But you bounnce back like within three days. Like I both were considered elective. Well, I woke up laughing I woke up laughing and I enjoyed the surgery and I enjoyed the enjoyed getting in. I literally free bit of it To be quite frank, I look forward to my next one And I'm looking around trying to figure out how I can get back on that table Like I'm like when can I get back there and for? You know. So I don't so I don't know, you know, I don't know, but that said when I did have, you know, an elective surgery that I didn't have to have for necessarily medical reasons. but I rememember seeing like two pages pre surgery booklet Dvoted to the surgery let down Come down. Which you didn't have, it sound didn't? I didn't. You didn't have it, which is so odd. You've had every other let now If anyone was gonna have a bl lon, Sona like me You'd be like poster child, like fight the letdown. I had I had to turn up You know, you couldn't let me down if you tried Now I've always said this though, like pain meds and Vicidin, like, thank God, I wasn't born in the fifties and it was the housewife time because I would, you know, Vicidin, pain meds, glass of wine, like that's my high of choice and Yeah your' best you're your best s. I'm my best Oh, I'm my ye What Yeah What's wrong with that? I said a nerve blocker. I had I had things that were, you know And I had a surgeon who's renowned for Post surgery can In terms of healing right, there's that But your surgery was nine hours. You had a much more involved I haven't had anything left. That is So huge. I didn't know that dressing Yeah, and multiple sites of my body are I change know. We're going to be different like, yeah, nine hours. that's a work day. That's a work day. That's right So so he. Yeah. so but you know, and also and the and the body is so incredibly confusing because we think Oh, well, we'll never heal. Our brains are like, well, here we are. We're gonna be like this forever. betteretter get ready to be sad. And then like the next day, so like these drains I have attached to me and there's four of them and they're disgusting. Drains are disgusting. Anyone who's had them will tell you, they fucking hate you hate your drains. And so of course, Molly and Kristen are in charge of, they were in charge of measuring them, But those little psychos were so excited about it. They were like, Ty drain the drains and chart the course re both business mavens So they were like, ooh, I'd like to see a graph on that. Last night Christ' d shs does a fucking graph, makes her own trend graph And she goes, I like to see this go down and this gentle curve. She's like, I don't like left h which goes like into the stratosphere I don't like left hips And then like so I was like, well, obviously, they're going to have to cut off my left leg. And then this morning, it's got nothing So like your body is like, no, we're doing us. like You guys chill, okay? Like even if you did nothing, we would do ourselves And we are built to heal We are in what I'm looking in the mirror at. I know customer of my post opop. likeike, I'm going to be like, boots are too big and like, I know he's gonna to be like ill It doesn't look like this in three months. like it will settle. It will settle And you'll be sad when it does, honey. Well, I long for the old scrappy M. And this is a new me that we don't know who she is yet. We haven't unwrapped her Well, she's gonna be great. She's gonna to be swine great This is like the swan, but you know, a waiter did just call me Sir today and then go and laugh about it with his friends because I look so I look so haggard and I can only wear like clothing after clothing on top of clothing. And I looked up and I was eating a hanger steak at noon and he was like Can I take that away from you, Sir? And I went, Oh no Sorry, m'am And then I heard him go back to his friends at the bar and he went friend friend at the bar he goes be in the kitchen if anyone needs me. I was like God, that's funny jress U Honey Well listen, there's so much more to say. We're really like doing a deep dive today on Jessica's journey. but will we just have to take a quick break andessica we'll be right back, sir Steep Divers with summer coming up, You know I'm doing that thing where I am already mentally planning out trips and then immediately following with, okay, but can I actually afford all of this That is where Monarch comes in. Monarch is not just another advertiser, it is an AI powered personal finance app that is run by actual deep divers. They are accademy members and they are most definitely women of significance. and you can get your first year of Monarch for half off, justty dollars promo code dive What I have loved about Monarch is that it gives me a much clearer picture of what's actually going on with my money. 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Head to brodo dot com slash deep dive for twenty percent off your first subscription order and use code deep dive for an additional ten dollars ten off Once again, that's bRo do dot com slash deep dive for twenty percent off your first subscription order and an additional ten dollars off if you use our promo code deep dive. At the deep dive, we are lifelong learners and we are always trying to get a little better at the things that matter to us That's why we are such big fans of masterclass And what we really love is how easily it fits into real life. You don't need a big block of time. You just start and let it weave into your day Masterclass gives you access to the world's best instructors, people who didn't just study their craft but defined it. There's always something new to explore and plans start at just ten dollars a month billed annually I am always trying to communicate more clearly under pressure, especially at work So I just went to masterclass. I found Professor Jeffrey Peffer's class on it. I have started using it in real time and it has made my communication feel more intentional and a lot less reactive Masterclass keeps adding new classes, so there's never been a better time to get in. Right now as a listener of this show, you get at least fifteen percent off any annual membership at masterclass dot com slash divers. That's a fifteen percent off at masterclass dot com slash divers. headad to masterclass dot com slash divers to see the latest offer So okay, well I think it is I actually think this is such important information because people have all different types of experiences in surgery. And by the way, I'm totally lying. The one thing I don't do well with my teeth and teeth are teeth keep the score, you know, your teeth are your history. and I did wake up from oral surgery twoo different times, absolutely berefted Breft, inconsolable And it took me and no reason why. couldouldn't Everybody kept on saying, what's wrong? And I was just screaming and crying. I don't know. You couldn't I couldn't calm down And yeah, that was last twenty four hours or yeah, a day in between that, but yeah. It's like. I couldn't stop crying. Just walking around, crying Kristen on her work call I said Do you mind if I sit sit here and eat my breakfast next to you. And she goes, Yeahah, just could you cry quietly. becauseuse she was like, guys, I don't know if this is a rollout or it's a regular launch. But somebody has to tell me so I can get ready and then I was like Here's the thing though, you are letting out so I mean b your body's literally For nine hours, we don't have a location for it. Like you don't have a location for it. It just went away So I think some of those tears are honestly for a lost time. And we're working past and Where am I Where are we? whereere am I? And where are you? And you've been away for a while, Jessica for. That's why I said, I gott to come home. you know, and everyone's say, No stay, enjoy the Contental breakfast. I was like to go. Yeah, I got to go. I can hear the lobby music, you know Everybody's always partying here. It doesn't matter if you're not partying, you're still partying. I need to go. I don't want the only thing I can order are pork chitlandens and a fucking lettuce wrap. I don't I want to get out You know, you need a nice fresh rice bowl I do. G me my poke bowl and get me my sunshine and get me my dogs. I haven't been able to get my hands on enough dogs and Kristin wouldn't let me put my hands through the gates Yesterday. There were a lot of big dogs behind fences in the neighborhood were here and she said, you can't to them And I was like So nice. why would you? It's time It's time. It's been a long time What is it? We're past seven days now, I think. It's been a long time You are always in that hotel and I'm in a different hotel. No, how's everything going there? catch me up on you. Where're here? Yeah. I've actually been doing just fine, you know, I've been thinking of you. I've been like I really wanted, I just needed some like evidence of you. L I started a faceetime. Yeah. like all the faceime last f Yeah, I was like, is this I just needed more evidence. Yeah. And I know there was a big group chat everyone was having a great time on, but I was like, I need to see more just sort of primary sources. You know, like I just felt a little crazy. Understandable. Yeah, I just needed like yeah, but u No, I've been really just Fine really doing Yeah, I can't Um I don't h much you get to go home next week and you're excited to just be able to do Yeah. I go home on Saturday. You know, I was home last week and o God. Yeah, so I've been yeah, Jess,' been just fine. You know, I have a day off today, which is like always so strange I don't know. I mean When you're on location, it's very interesting because some people are like, oh well going to go out and be a tourist and look around and do all these things and experience And I'm sort of one of those people who's like, I I am here acting and I just get quiet when I'm not working Yeah, you're not going to catch me on like a No used to like no I'm not gonna be on a bicycle. and be probably here keeping it quiet I mean, I know you still get your admin done because you love your admin. and I know you probably get up and do a little things here and there and schedule little M no schedules that, but I've actually been I mean, I did some writing today. I had to get in a meeting, but I I will tell you being on I know everybody in the deepive is so done with hearing about my periods, but I I've shared that since I went back on birth control just a year ago. had Just a game changing experience where you know, I'm not getting my period anymore and I can't believe it took me that long to get back on. and just absolutely loving it. and also freedom birth control, freedom and the birth control of my twenties with this crazy amount of estrogen and all that stuff. There are options for us now that are the lowest dose of rog and just so much Better The technology. The technology has come so far So you know for those of us who are my age who are on orthotricyclone in their twenties and had a terrible experience getting on and getting off. I was with you, but they are and it's what kept me away from it for so long I just suffer I completely understand why it would. Yeah. My friend was saying shes still, even though she doesn't her period anymore still wakes up like I forgot toig on my pill . I mean, we are the generation of, oh my God, I forgot to take my pill Yes, and I do take a pill every day You know, but it is a pill that I am loving However I am now around of women Every day. Okay. women every day and long hours. And some of the young youngs for tile. lot of youngs, a lot of hair, makeup, youngs menstruating women Now. Two days ago, was it Monday? Yeah, I thought I woke up Look is this, I haven't had a cramp in a year. Oh my God, they pulled you through. They pulled you through? They got me. The keyhole? Yes, and then I What' just that un like Thank God. What about bed that night? I'm like, I fucking perurod And then and I'm not even on the period, like it's not You know on this pit? No, you don't get the wee go. Yeah, no, not I'm not on that. So then I go back to set And this woman says to me in they m she says, I know I know we are sinking because I just had the worst cramps this morning and I'm blaming you. And I go, bitch, I'm blaming you. because I have my fucking period, which I haven't had in a year because I'm hanging around with you all. And you witches Hold me into your fucking coven and now I have it and I got it bad. last night, I came home Jessica And I haven't done this in a while I ordered the biggest bowl of pasta you ever did see. Oh, from room service and you housed it Well, first I went down to the restaurant and I housed it And then I came up, but it was like, it's that period hunger. Yeah, yeah. o yeah Yeah, whichich is insatiableable Yeah. and then I came upstairs and I thought I'm getting desessert call I call the room service guy. This is a really upsetting phone conversation because He sounded hot you know He just sounded his voice was like H. You know, am I say Well, who's doing the night shift anymore, you know Right. I Can I get you and I said orrder some dessert and he said, Okay, what would you like I said What do you have? And he said, Oh, I don't do you have the menu? It's a QR code. He doesn't want to he's like, I don't want to read it out to you. And whenever anyone says, do you have the QR code? I say no. Even if it's you're staring at it. Yeah Even if I am a QR code, it's . I don't ever ask me to look at a QR code do And he says, It's just on the desk. I said, I don't have Now it' come to realize later it's like under the glass of the desk. it's like, I definitely have it. can't not have it. It's permanent So I said, canan you read them to me And he said, okay. This is the reverse baby girl. This is the least hot Bcket scenario you could paint for me Saddest part. The saddest part is I was still like kind of trying to keep it cute He's going through the options. and you're making like bits out of it? I just is like trying to keep the air of like I don't really like, I'm just kind of like I don't really need this, but like whatever. I'm one of those like I'm one of those like fun girls that like, maybe Right Little does seem mean what I'm trying to mask is how badly I need this. And how badly I need something like so specific right now You have no fuckin idea And he said, gelato, and then we have sorbets And I've actually I did have the chocolate cake here once and it was terrible I can't trust it. So I knew there was chocolate cake, but there was no other than it's like we're talking about like flan G him outou M now We're talking about that horrible chocolate cake and then we're talking about like on pie No one's cooking up a fresh pecan pie every day. I can tell you that much. Everything was such a disappointment. And then I said, canan I hear the gelato flavors And again, I want this conversation to be so easy, breezy, but I know I know as soon as I hear the Options, it's not going to be And I said, can I hear the flavors? And he said, you're sure, dark chocolate salted caramel Gawa I said, okay U say. Mm I guess And in my mind, I'm like, I'm notock God and get any crunch out of this. L can No cookie crumble on it or something. like Yeah, like anything to hold on to need And I'm sorry, Wh who just like here's your gelato scoop with nothing uck d, That's crazy. Okay. so I'm like I make an obviously note And he goes, No And he goes, I mean, we could probably do some poor mat guy. He goes, we could probably do like a side of fruit And I might He go This' my chocolate dark chocolate gelato ide of fruit. Okay, and then I said No, than you. And he goes, yeah, 'cause a lot of that is like melon and stuff. And I go, yeah, stop talking now. why don't you want a dessert at all? No, no Emenie's has And then I say, okay, I'll do chocolate I said one scoop of dark chocolate, one scoop of salted caramel And he goes, Ohh, those are that's one flavor cel Are you on a prank show? at I It's suucking, I go. Now we've been on the phone for some time. I'm like, I gotta get the fuck off this phone And I go, okay, okay, okay, then I'll do that. And he goes, one scoop. And I go, and I want to say one just, but in my heart of hearts, I'm like, I need more than one. Yeah, you're a volumeter. always happ, always will be And also like what's the scoop You can't trust What's the scoop? My scoop is your scoop. and I said, he says, do you want one scoop? Now I pause for so long that he intuitits my question on the scoop size And he said, you know, the scoops here are like basically if you ball up your hand into a fist, What are we talking though a baby fist, an adult fist, a man's fist, a woman's fist He goes, that's kind of their're big scoops And I said, okay, but now I'm also like, don't tell me how much I can fuckking have Motherfucker They're big. Yeahah, it's like they're big for who Yeah, you don't know me So then I said confidently as I could. Three scoops J to fuck him. buck Th threeree scoops And he because he' never seen that before in his life. And I said three scoops after knowing One scoop is the size of an adult. Fest Yeah, it's a lot of ice cream. It's almost a pint If you if if listeners, if you're there and hopefully not while you're driving, if you were to put three on top You're looking at almost a pint At least a half pint At this point I'm like I'm so humiliated by this conversation that the last thing I want is to be humiliated and then not get enough Yeah, right. That would don le some smart thinking already been humiliated by this man So he said Okaykay three scoops and all dark chocolate salted caramel or do you want? And I said two dark chocolate caramel, one vanilla And Okay. And we got off the phone And I believe I was praying. I said, please God above, let the man who delivers it not be the man who answers in Let those be two different jobs two different of work let enough people be ordering right now at ten PM that you can't someone's got to stay back and man on the phone Please hear God above. and I I opened that door, looked at the door and thank God, it's the tiniest little woman in the world. Oh, thank God. You must I wanted to kiss her and her. I was in the way and I've I've met her before And she's always tracking my comings and goings. that I like it too. It makes me feel like I'm not just a ghost here here. Exactly that there iss an I show. Right. I think that you know, nobody knows me and I'm completely mysterious. and yet She's been watching me And every time she said when she came in, she's because I wasn't here last week, she said, I'm so happy to see you back I forgot to add one more humiliating factor to that phone conversation, which is what we ended on. After the three scoos, we decided the flavors. I think we're about to go think're about to leave, and he said, and how many people will this be serving When he knew full well it's just you other fucker did now. But he need to ask, That's protocol, baby God, and he's really fighting fire because he doesn't know he's got a woman in her forties. with her period breaking through. he had to ask And we both knew, but what I was sort of calculating in my mind is like if he be the person who comes here and sees there's no one else here. It's even worse. I know than you lied I 'cause sometimes Jessica I have said to I. I know. and Don't let's never lie because it's worse. you're right. What are you gonna do? like home alone, carve out, you know, carve out cutouts, peopleeople having a good time. takeake your time in the shower, but they are here You know, I what that's matter everybody And also like these people do know me and they do watch me So anyone I know you're alone. they know there'sone. If they know anything, it's I'm alone here You can't. Nobody know that you're somebody who's willing to even make that lie. There are certain lies that you cannot get out of. Jess, you know Jes, but for the grace of God, I said Confidently now, as I said, three scoops I had to say that with my whole fucking chest. Three scoops. I had to say one You know And stand in that truth. Stand in my power One Yeah But it was really nice and healing to have my little lady show up. She's so tiny and She said she said, I'm glad you're back So so sweet. Well, I think it's so incredibly beautiful that Your friends were there for you like that and it was just bringing me so much joy to see You three littleittle ones together bouncing around, doing this strange time together, serving this strange sentenced together. it was really beautiful. It was really beautiful. Nothing to be said for How women can take care of each other, anticipate each other's needs. You know, women and men, humans. But when it's your oldest girlfriends and they've been with you since you were eighteen and charted your, you know, like at one point, why I moved to the hotel, I'm not quite sure still it was better move. I just needed to get out And I said to Kristen, I was like, Kristen, I can get us a king size, whatever, blah, blah blah. And she goes, well are you okay with sleeping in the bed with me? And she was more saying like, because you need all these pillows. And I was like That's why I'm doing this. So we have no other choice canare't sleep alone I you know, I understand that Like she and she needs her extra space So but she was you know it was maybe it was her polite way to try to get out of it. She's like, arere there two too quick And I was like, nope, nope, don't look. I already booked it There are no queens, okay There's no queens, Kristen. There's no s Listen, I respect What I won't do is I actually, well I guess I'll do with some people, but I don't want to Queen with a friend I think it is kind of fun to be in two queens separate. Like Kate when Casey and together, we'll sayay in the same room two queens separate. Oh, that is fun. That's kind of fun. It is fun, but you know When I crossed over, you know, I was dealing with some zombie work, I just knew that I did not want to be in that room again by myself Sometimes rooms have been made And it had been made. And I was like, that's it for me in this room So that's just by the way, like I do think that the comeown from some of these meds too and getting off pain meds and all of that like It'll do a number on you. It'll do a fucking number on you Yeah had a big a bit of a voodoo feeling to it A lot of sweating, a lot of just like got to get out of here So anyway, I am excited to be here because my room, the only room available, and I guess this is why it was on this very busy week here uh, is literally is in the lobby. I open the door into the lobby and everyone's like, ah, welcome. L so I can hear people comving dinner. I know, it's strange. I'm like, I shouldn't be okay with it. But like is it like a model room? Like what No, it's an old house haunted. They haven't told me how and actually D don't want to ask ttill the morning because I don't want to know. you would want to know, but I don't U But yeah, it's like fourteen rooms in this, you know mansion. It was a Victorian mansion. So yeah, there's a lot of taxidermied Birds dress. You know, different birds um around, but, uh But yeah, it's been okay here to be here by myself today because I have let out some tears and Getting myself mentally set. it was interesting that my journey began alone and it ends alone and not in a bad way because I think we are warriors of one at a certain point And this is a this is a different type of surgery for you. You know, this is very related to past tra trauma and the body does keep the score.. I think that what you said earlier is so powerful and it's so hard to remember, but where we are in this moment doesn't mean we're frozen there and we'll be there forever. Yes And it's hard, so hard to remember that like there will be new moments and coming very shortly. They really are And that's why those somet you need to switch we switch we have to switch locations sometimes to remind ourselves of that. Yes. It's sort of a similar thing. like once you really start to see the healing, it's like so exciting and then you heal more. and It's similar to like weight training and lifting weights, which by the way, I've been on a kick about. and I'm like, I feel myself getting stronger And it's a very interesting thing of like, oh, I needed all I really needed was that one hit of like it's possible to get stronger build a muscle. And you know, I' have been thinking wasn't there about what do I want in my recovery? because there is like an opportunity to go like, okay, what now as a full factat coke shouldn't be in my wellness plan. but But I was thinking, maybe I'll get a personal trainer and help me build some muscle that wasn't there before. now that I have new a different body. You know, like and that might be really exciting. Yeah You don't need a personal trainer to do it. I know, I don't, but you know I like to spend money where it's. I know you did. I know you do. Have you been doing it down in the hotel gym? Is that where you go pump some iron? Yes, and also my own at my house when I was there last week is just like, o You can lift these Yeah, I'm I I'm lifting weight First of all, I think there's something very powerful about women lifting weight. And I think there's always been a fear because you know my body does respond to weightlifting so quickly, but there's always sometimes a fear of like, oh am I gonna get because I have a bigger build You know Y Are you going to get bulky or something? Am I going become a lineback Right, never seen this I'm very Anyway, it's just like, o It is a nice feeling to get stronger and you're going to get stronger and heal and Sometimes it just feels like so much work and what is it all for I see little results Sorry I'd like to see a little bit of result And that's nice But you, honey, had a nine hour. I mean, I'm really thrown by that. I did not wr. Even though like I was on the text and I knew when you went in, I knew when you came out, in my mind, it wasn't that long That's a long time That's a long time to be down. Well. It's also funny when you see in your friend's eyes because I don't think she knew either. Again, both of us could have read them. the literature or talked about it in our three hour meal we had with oysters, etcer Um But she I think had thought she might go home that night. And she was like, I'll stay here, okay Hold on, we're going to take a quick break and I'm going to tell you something about one of my surgeries Every bold journey starts with a decision to go, and if you're ready, the Defender is too. This is a vehicle built for more, whether you're heading off the grid or just getting out of town for the weekend. Defender is a true icon, reimagined for a new generation. 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They are ridiculously soft. They have a perfect amount of stretch and somehow they still feel really flattering. I wear them constantly around the house, but I've also worn them out running errands and it never felt like I needed to change. They just sit so right on the body in a way that feels easy still intentional. Sop, skims, cotton and all of our favorite pieces at skims. com After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you, select podcast in the survey, and be sure to select our show in the drop down menu that follows. Summer has a way of making cooking feel more complicated, and that is where hungry root comes in What I've noticed over time is that it doesn't really feel like I'm planning meals anymore. It just feels like I always have solid options ready to go Lately, I've been so into their easy lunch staples like the high protein salad kits and quick snacks that actually hold up on busy days. It was both interesting and completely effortless My favorite thing about Hungry Rot is how much it has adapted to me over time. It knows what I like. My weekly cart really reflects my actual life and what I naturally reach for. If You're going to love Hungry Rot as much as I do for a limited time, get forty percent off your first order plus a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot dot com slash deep dive and use code deep dive That's hungryroot d. com slash deep dive Code deep dive to get forty percent off your first box and a free item of your choice for life I I know that some people It's interesting. they have to do something medical and have a surgery If they have to or if it's elective I feel like there's two types of people One is the person who wants to know everything about how it's being performed What's happening they're doing they can plan for. And then there's another type of person who doesn't want to know shit Right And I fall into the latter category I don't care what's going on Am I alive? That's it. I didn't ask What it supposed to? I'm on I'm keeping it motherfucking high level Yeah, I mean, you're hiring this man for or woman for a reason High level. I'm not going to be performing this surgery on anyone. You know, I don't need to know And I respect other people who want to know and I understand that, but it's just And I actually I'm curious to know what's going on with you and I could get down as like the details of your surgery. Right. And I actually don't want to know. I would have been none of my business. No, it's notoneone of my damn business. No. I also did something which now I'm like, is that crazy? I didn't come with like six thousand pictures of people's boobs that I could have shown him this, not this, this, not this I probably should have done that You just said, do what's on your spirit. Kind of I said Listen, plastic surgery is half science and half art Let the artist work It kind of was like, we'll do that in the revisions. Okay, so you have another phase coming too. I have another phase five months. You know it's not gonna be a notes process I was like, todayod I was like, shit Why didn't I at least A couple pictures of Jennifer Aniston early friends. Like why didn't I just bat about a couple Yeah And I should have and I was panicked so I didn't And also Who cares And it probably wouldn't have had a different input. With what they're doing for me, I think it's a lot different of what they are achieving and in what stage. So I'll know all these things tomorrow. It's okay I obviously My brain has not caught up with where my body is right now. It doesn't know what it's looking at and it doesn't It doesn't like the feeling of it because it's not what it used to be five days ago, six days ago, but I know that that also will change pretty quickly. Yeah For sure For sure. You just put that so well, like your mind's not there yet and that's okay. They'll meet again. They'll meet again They will. And for all those girlies out there who have had, you know this type of surgery, like, it's a ride. This is my second time. And I went into it a bit like a silly billy thinking like It's going to be all, you know flat stomachs and and champagne dreams. And it is it is a we are warriors. We are doing Warrior work And And yes, your friends are there and they're helping you, but it is an internal I spoke to my coach and she was like, you got to stay right. Okay, and you have got to stay in the now. you are going to future