Taking Up Space and Empathy

Pushkin Hey, Happiness Lab listeners It's just about the start of summer, which means we're finally coming to the end of our special series on Spring Cleaning Your Happiness But since swimsuit season is around the corner, I wanted to end this series with one final thing that many of us need to let go of to boost our happiness We need to clear out our body shame With social media feeds filled with bikini body workouts and look smaxing tips It can be very easy to not only beat yourself up about what you look like, but also to turn exercise into some form of body hatred What if you swept away all that self loathing and embraced moving the only body you'll ever have in a healthier, happier way What have you exercised without trying to transform what your body looked like? is what we'll be exploring in today's throwback episode It's a show we ran a few years ago in January. Another time of year when we tend to fall into body hatred spirals And it features an inspirational yoga teacher and author, who's changed the way that I personally relate to exercise Jessamine Stanley spent most of her life identifying as what she called a quote, fat and awkward weirdo. Jessimin avoided exercise at all costs until she realized that it was her own body shaming mind that was holding her back. So in our final spring cleaning episode of The Happiness Lab Get ready to wash away your body shaame and learn how you can refresh your relationship to movement That's all coming up right after some quick words from the Happiness Lab sponsors This is an iHart podcast Guaranteed human Small businesses are the pulse of every community bring people together, create opportunities and drive growth. Chase for Business helps business owners like you, with personalized guidance and convenient digital tools all in one place. With that guidance and your determination, you can take your business farther and help build a brighter future for your community Learn more at chase. com slash businessiness Chase for business, make more of what's yours The Chase mobile app is available for select mobile devices. Message and data rates may apply JP Morgan Chase Bank andA member FDIC. Copyright twenty twenty six. JP Morgan Chase and Company This live check in is brought to you by State Farm Pin started to familiate A and Mereresa protectsion When we had our first baby, I had it all planned out. Iad everything, apps, books, toto Now that baby number two is here, I'm definitely going more with the flow I am Wom aboutor Rama and I've learned that with family, it's not about being perfect. Is' a bar showing up every single day. Breathe Eacepita, change the diaper and u I guess repeat Like a good neighbor, state farm is there. intntroducing the all new Maazda CX five, featuring more connection. Hey Google, where's the nearestilates class? Safety that has your back. More discovery on the sea cps. passion in the details And more control in changing weather. The all new Mazda CX five. More to move every side of you. See it in five films at mazdausa dot com slash five sides. Google is a trademark of Google LLC, sequences shortened and simulated. We all take good care of the things that matter, our homes, our pets, our cars. Are you doing the same for your brain? Acting early to protect brain health may help reduce the risk of dementia from conditions like Alzheimer's disease. Studies have found that up to forty five percent of dementia cases may be prevented or delayed by managing risk factors you can change To makeake brain health a priority. askk your doctor about your risk factors and for a cognitive assessment. Learn more at brainhealthmatters. com On the face of it, moving your body should be a really good New Year's happappiness goal Most research shows that exercise makes us feel good One study showed that a half hour of cardio a day could be as effective for reducing symptoms of depression as taking antidepressant medication So I should applaud the fact about half of us intend to exercise more in the new year The problem is, I worry we're kind of not doing it right For many of us, hitting the gym isn't about enjoying ourselves or feeling better It's about looking better It's about not really liking our bodies and trying to get them to look like the ones we see on Instagram be a more compassionate, more happiness inducing way to get our bodies moving and one that could help us achieve a bigger wellbe boost than we think. Of course there is So if you're ready to learn how to be happier through movement, then join me, Dr. Laurei Santos for this final New Year episode of The Happiness Lgh. You know, I think that there was a time that I did really enjoy movement This is one of my heroes, Jessamine Stanley. I used to love just like running around in the yard and like run a lap and ask my mom to tie me just so that I can know how fast I am. or like I would just try to turn cartwheels just because I can Jessamine's childlike love moving her body was pretty short lived Because like me, Jessamine grew up as a chubby kid orr as she puts it even more bluntly in her book, Every Body Yoga occasionally spelly, supremely awkward, weirdo Jessamin quickly learned to fear all things fitness. Gym class awful lineup where you get picked for dodgeball teams trauma inducing eight year old ride of passage of situps, push upps, and sprints. Pidential fitness test. I don't know if this is a thing for you if you did this test in grade school, but I remember that a component of the presidential fitness test was running a mile. And I was the very last person in my class to the point where if memory serves, like either one of the other kids in my class or the teacher came back to join me, and I was so mortified and I felt so totally insufficient and that directly impacted me never wanting to do sports at all. I used to on the way to Fld day in school, like try to look for holes in the ground so that I could turn my ankle in a hole so that I could claim that like, oh, my ankle hurts and now I can't do feelld day. Like I went out of my way to not physical exercise as much as possible because I was so worried about keeping up with other people and really just at a bare level being good enough And hating your body when it came to kind of gym class and the presidential fitness contest, that was part and parcel of not liking aspects of your body and your identity generally when you were growing up, right? Exactly. I definitely felt as though I was insufficient that as a fat black woman, I didn't see any representation of my body at all where my body was not the punchline. And this was in the era of like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Christina Aguilera and the Olson twins and there was definitely this very pervasive idea of that being small bodied, small featured Having blonde hair or brunette hair, basasically just having like really straight hair was very important, but certainly not having dark skin, big lips Re kinky hair, none of those qualities were represented. And so I just felt there was something fundamentally wrong with me. And honestly, I felt as though there would always be something fundamentally wrong with me. that really, even if I did lose weight, those changes would never be enough because I just fundamentally was not good enough Even if you weren't a fat kid, you may be able to relate to the sort of low grade self hatred Justmin's talking about deep sense that there's something bad about you that you need to fix We feel deep down that we'll only be happy once we've lifted enough weights or run enough miles to get that new idealized body But all of that is a lie that your mind tells you. That's the important lesson that Jessmine Stanley learned One that she now teaches to millions of people around the world Early forays into the world of fitness involved all the body hating that many of us are feeling when we make that cata exercise more New Year's resolution But she was able to break free from all the body shaming in a way that transformed her career and her overall well being But as you'll hear Her journey wasn't a quick one My very first yoga class was when I was in high school. My aunt at the time was obsessed with be hn yoga, which is a style of hot yoga where you practice twenty six of the same yoga postures over a ninety minute period. Jessine's aunt, Try was the epitome of nineties glamour She was tall and beautiful and everything teenage Jessimine thought she wanted to be. So despite her reservations, Jessmine joined her on that first ever yoga class. I remember it like it was yesterday. I went into the studio and it is extremely hot. It's like somewhere between one hundred to one hundred and four degrees, kind of depending on how sadistic the teacher is. Immediately, I walk in and I'm just sweating in places that I didn't even know human beings sweat. Like I was sweating from the tops of my fingers and this is before anything has ever happened. likeike this is there's no postures have in practice. And I was like, I got to be in here for an hour and a half. and I made it let's say third of the through the class I think I'm being too generous with that, but I made it about a third of the way through the class before I was like, I'm done. I don't need this anymore. I'm good. And they tell you before you go to a Beram class not to walk out of the room. But I was like, these people don't know me, I cannot do this. I'm going to die. And so I walked out of the room and I learned a very important life lesson about why you should not walk because the transition in your physical body is so intense going from hot to cold, that temperature change can bring on a lot of different physical experiences. And for me, it brought on a wave of nausea. And after when we left, I was like, I'm never doing that again and this is the worst experiences like this that discourage so many of us from making exercise a regular and fun part of our daily routine We can feel ashamed or humiliated by our bodies and abilities, or just discouraged because the aesthetic changes we so desire don't materialize right away Fortunately, Jessimine got a second chance to find joy in move I was in graduate school and I was going through a really tough time in my life that I now recognize is emblematic of being twenty three. L I don't know who I am, What is the purpose of my life? what is going on And one of my close friends, she had gotten into beak from yoga and she was like, Oh my God, you should come to yoga. You're gonna love it. And I was like, I am not doing that. I've done it before. I know it's not for me. And she got me caught up on a groupon though. She was like, What's the worst thing can happen? You go one time, you payid thirty dollars for this pass. likeike what's the worst thing happen And I went and the interesting thing about BeC yoga specifically is that I think of it as the McDonald's of yoga. It's literally like you could go anywhere in the world and get this practice exactly the same. So nothing had changed. It was still hot as hell, hard as hell, everything about it was the same. but I had changed though I didn't realize that So much of what was making me unhappy and unsatisfied in my life was that I'd created all of these boundaries for myself and I'd made all these decisions about the type of person that I am and about what I'm capable of handling. And I never allowed myself to step outside of those boundaries. And yoga requires that you step outside of your boundaries and it put me in these situations where I actually had to look at the way that I talk to myself and look at the way that I process information and be like, you know what? I know I decided that I'm not going be able to do this But maybe I'm just gonna to try The example that I think of often, especially that first class back I remember we were practicing a posture called Akward Pose that is liter it's so aptly named because it is extremely awkward. I was watching everybody around me just like sit down into this posture and it looked like they had all practiced it together beforehand. In Be from yoga, you look at yourself in the mirror. So I'm looking at myself in this mirror Tumatizing on its own because I literally would go out of my way at that stage in my life to avoid mirrors. I went out of my way to not look at myself, but I'm forced to look at myself. I'm looking at myself and I'm just thinking, like why did you even think you could come to this class? Like you obviously don't know what you're doing and everybody here knows it and you can't even do this basic this is like maybe the third or fourth posture in the class. I'm like, if you can't do this, then why even show up? And I had this moment where I was like You know, you could just try Maybe you just tried. likeike, yes, maybe you're gonna fall down. Mbe everyone in the room is gonna know that you don't know what you're doing, Maybe the teacher's gonna know that you don't know what you're doing And maybe that's just gota be okay because did you spend this money to come to this class to just stand here and talk shit about yourself? 'ause you could have done that at home And that moment, that breaking point to this day, ultimately, that is why I continue to practice yoga It's a cracking open of the spirit. It's being able to, I think of it a lot of like It's like you're looking in a foggy bathroom mirror, a mirror that you fogged up and like just swiping across it and seeing your actual reflection back at you. And it was so profound for me in a way that I certainly didn't walk into class thinking I was going to experience Jessimine's insight of noticing how she was really talking to herself kept her going back to that hot studio But eventually her group on ran out, and she was out of work and out of money. She couldn't afford the yoga classes that were teaching her so much And she started backsliding to that bad emotional place, but she decided to fight back And so literally one day I just rolled out my mat in my living room and I like push I had to push all the furniture out of the corner of the room. and I really didn't feel confident practicing any postures that were outside of the postures that I knew. so I would practice the same like eight to ten yoga postures from the Bequin sequence. and that just became my medicine. I'm gonna do this yoga and I feel comfortable doing this without a teacher watching me. this is great But then over time, you know, I became more and more obsessed with the practice and wanting to try out postures that I saw on the internet. This was back whenever Instagram like first came out. Because I was practicing at home, I wanted to be able to receive feedback from other people, but I was also very scared to take photos of myself because I was so afraid to look at my b And when I first started taking the photos, I would take them at really random angles. I'd be like, No, I think this angle is my good side so I can shoot it from here. But like after a while I was like, I can't even see my body. L I have to do something. So I had a timer set up on the camera I have like thirty seconds to hold the posture while it takes four photos. And in that moment when I'm in the posture, I'd be like, o my God, yoga is amazing. I feel incredible I am lifted up to another place. And then I would go and look at the photos and I would just immediately start talking shit about myself. I'd be like, oh my God, look at my belly, look at my arms, look at my chins, like every negative thing that everything that I thought was negative was getting picked at and scrutinized. And it took a really long time, like I would say months before I started to really question that. And I would be like No one else is here saying these things about yourself. Like you know we always want to blame the media you I want to blame my family and I want to blame my partner. That's why I hate myself. No, I'm looking at these photos. I am saying these awful things about myself. This is me. I have to own that. And if I'm the one saying these things about myself Are these things that I really believe about myself? Like it turned into this whole space for therapy that again I didn't go into it thinking like Yes, I'd like to have an emotional or an emotionally complex relationship with my higher self. No. I was just like, this is dumb. L I hated that aspect of it, but it really opened up so much for me in terms of just being able to understand where self hate resides and that it's something that I have to own as an individual It really helped me to understand that I am a body shamer at my core. L how an alcoholic is an alcoholic forever. I'm a body shamer forever. All I can do is just be aware of it. I can just know it and see it And I have to accept it about myself. But I think that had I not started that practice of photographing myself, then I would never have started that conversation When we return from the break, we'll try to figure out how being ashamed of our bodies and exercise got so intertwined and how we can all begin to separate them out Happiness Lab, we willll be right back I've beeninking about my spaces lately And I've realized just how much thoughtful design can change the feel of my everyday routines. But I honestly never expected a toilet to be part of that conversation until I experienced the Kohler Smart Tilet collection Kohler has been elevating bathroom design since eighteen seventy three And you can really feel that legacy in the way their products are designed. the Koler Vail smmart toilet design immediately stands out It's modern, sleek, almost like a functional work of art It just makes your entire bathroom experience feel more elevated. It's a reminder that the right design can make everyday moments feel cleaner, more comfortable, and more intentional Kohler has been redefining bathroom design for more than one hundred and fifty years And their smart toilets really show how design and innovation can transform even the most routine parts of life Design changes everything And Kar smart toilets are a really great example of that. Exience the difference of Ker smart toilets L more at Kher. com As the weather changes, I've been thinking more and more about my wardrobe And these days, I've been trying to get more intentional about what's in my closet I want getting dressed to feel simpler So I've been leaning into pieces that feel effortless and comfortable, but still look put together been obsessed with Quince's one hundred percent organic cotton poplin tiered Maxi dress. It's got a fit that feels sleek But it's still super comfortable. And I couldn't believe how great the price was Quince makes it easy to refresh your everyday wardrobe this spring, with pieces that feel as good as they look. Quince uses premium materials like one hundred percent European linen, organic cotton, and ultra soft denim Plus, Quince works directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen paying for quality and craftsmanship brand M markup. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use Head to quQince. com slash happppiness for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty five day returns. That's QuincE d. com slash happiness for free shipping and three hundred and sixty five day returns. Qince d. com slash happiness This message is in partnership with Smbple Mills On our show, we talk a lot about how small choices can have a big impact on your wellbeing And one choice that often gets overlooked, The snacks you reach for during the day It might sound simple, but the right snack can help you feel energized and focused Two things that make sticking to healthy habits so much easier When your body feels good, your mind follows That's why I feel good talking about Simple Mills almond fllour crackers They are made with real nutrient rich ingredients like almond flour, sunflower seeds, and flax seeds And the bonus These crackers have a unique crunchy texture They're absolutely delicious, and I promise they'll make you look forward to snack time We all know that unhealthy snacking can derail even the best intentions Simple mills crackers do the opposite Now I hope you know, I'm not a big ad speak person But when they say simple Mills crackers taste like sunshine in every bite, It's actually a pretty good description. They're light, satisfying, and instead of weighing you down, you feel a little more energized. Choosing snacks that fuel your body well is one of those small but powerful steps that make other healthy habits stick And if you're looking for something filled with its own little reward system Check out Simple mill pop ms. Yes, spelled with three Ms These light airy, poppable cheese crackers are loaded with real vegetables, so you get that quick crunch without compromising your energy It's a mindful choice that feels good and tastes great The bottom line, habits don't happen in isolation They're supported by the environment you create and the choices you make along the way pick snacks that help you feel good, physically and mentally, you're setting yourself up for success. And success should taste good. Find simple mills at your local grocery store O your own business, you own every decision. Now own the card that rewards you for it The Chase Sapphire Reserve for Business Card brings the best Sapphire Reserve benefits to business owners who expect hard working rewards Designed to meet the needs of business owners at scale pay and full card elevates your travel experience and offers premium benefits and value business services that will take your business to the next level Fuel your business and maximize rewards with eight X points on all purchases through Chase traravel Three exos on social media and search engine advertising annual partnership credits and more Make every journey more rewarding with a three hundred dollars annual travel credit and access to a network of airport lounges whether you're looking for pre flight productivity or time to rest and recharge. Chase Sapphire Reserve for Business. It's the card that gives back all you put in Learn more at chase. com forward slash reseserve businessusiness Chase for business, make more of what's yours. subject to credit approval. Restrictions and limitations apply. Cards are issued by JP Morgan Chase Bank NA Member FDIC Through photographing her own fat body and tough yoga postures, Jessimine Stanley began to realize that fitness could be about feeling good and loving yourself just the way you are. In the years since, she's turned this simple insight into a mission She's now a world renowned yoga instructor and author of the book Every Body Yoga Let go of fear, get on the mat, love your body One article put it She's now become famous for everything yoga instructors are not supposed to be Qeer, messy, unapologetically fat and she swears alone. Jessamin hass used her yoga practice not to achieve some perfect body and allow her imperfect reality to be there just as it is And in doing so She's realized that a more self compassionate approach to exercise can be an important way to boost your health and your happiness When you look at people who are, extxtreme athletes, peopleople who run ultramarathons They're not doing that for their health. L they're not obsessed with that experience because it's like, o my God, my body is gonna to look this way. No, they are working out. deep psychological truth. so they are having a spiritual experience. And I think that the more that we can approach fitness from that perspective of just wanting to get inside yourself, just wanting to touch something that is real It's really ultimately coming back to that experience of being a child, that experience of just running around the block just because it feels good, not because there's any kind of goal or any kind of expectation. You run around the block, you try to turn a cartwheel, you swim in the ocean, not because something is going to change about you, but honestly to honor who you are right now. And this is something that really isn't talked about in the mainstream with yoga because in the mainstream Yoga is only about fitness. It is postures that you practice for exercise. I think that what really shifted things for me was understanding that yoga is really a spiritual life path. I'd love to dive into some of these benefits because I think they're so powerful. So I mean, one of these approaches about thinking of yoga not just as fitness, but as kind of life changing is to recognize that yoga really is about mindfulness, it's about being pres with whatever is going on. And this is something we talk about a lot on the happappiness Lab that being present even for negative stuff is good, right? This is the kind of thing we need to do is to work on allowing. And so talk about how that works in yoga either as a practitioner or as a teacher when you're holding these postures that might not feel great in the moment, but the act of allowing that Like, how does that change you It really, I think allows you to see lifeife is being so much more than it seems on the surface Let's take a posture like chair pose, for example You look at a posture like chair pose and it's like What do I need to do? I need to turn my thighs toward one another. I need to engage my core. I need to Fall down backwards while also sitting upright. I need to lengthen out of the crowd of my head When I'm feeling challenged, when someone is pushing back against me at work When I feel like someone is Being mean to me Those are the same things that I need to do. I need to pull into my core. I need to try to fall down backwards, but also stay upright I need to lengthen up to the sky. I need to pull it's all of these ideas that seem theoretical and that seem like philosophical, but that are really actually very practical. I think it makes it easier to deal with the parts of life that are really hard, really, really hard and complicated, and that are not meant to be anything other than that. Like I think sometimes in life Bad shit happens and you think, this isn't how things are supposed to be. Things are supposed to be good. I'm supposed to be happy. This is wrong. And what yoga reminds is that everything in life is not good, Ething in life is not happy. You need for things to be hard so that you can actually strengthen from the inside So practice the things that you do when when things get hard, pull into your core, draw your butt cheeks together, whatever the things are Practice that in the moments that feel emotionally hard and you will be strengthened as a result. In yoga, we talk about it as T us and T us has many definitions, but I would loosely define it here as fire and that we Step into this fire that is burning away the pieces of ourselves that don't need to be there. And you think about how anything becomes strong, how anything becomes honed and deepened And it is always through intensity. It's always through things being complicated and messy and unpleasant And really it's just Are you okay with that? Are you willing to get okay with that? Are you willing to takeake the tools that you have in your arsenal to withstand that intensity I love that you brought up chair pose in this capacity because that is one of the poses that anytime one of my yoga instructors is like, let's go through chairs secretly in my head. My first reaction is like Why did you do that? Then I have to turn on the sort of voice that I talk about a lot on this podcast, my sort of stoic voice that says, No, I invited this. You know, this is a nice challenge, right? I didn't want to just go through this yoga class and just, you know, flop over, right? You know I invited this challenge so I could work through it and allow it. And so it's great to hear that that's such an important part of it. But for me, another thing that yoga gives me is it allows me to experience my body not just in terms of the way it looks, but in terms of what it can do. And that, for me, has really been a game changer. and it's one of the reasons I love following your practice and practicing with you, right You know, sometimes when we're engaging with any kind of activity, we can get sort of obsessed with how our body looks in that moment or what our body is supposed to be doing. And I think one thing about yoga is that it really allows you to sort of see your body flexibly to kind of understand better what it's doing, to pay attention to it in a way that I never had with any other kind of movement practice One of the things I loved about practicing with you, we had this wonderful opportunity to practice together at a retreat in Montana was that you also as a teacher really encourage people to know listen to their bodies and allow their bodies to be however their body has been. One of the poses I've often struggled with is Gomukasana or cowface where you kind ofactly squash your hips over one another, you kind of like leg over leg and then you kind of bend over to stretch. and immediately, when my body gets into that position My stomach is in the way. and I take the bait, you know, it's so hard for me to be in that posture without saying like, o my God, my stomach is so big. whyy is my stomach here? I'm doing it wrong. And the first time I did that posture with you in your class, you said, And if your stomach isn't in the way, move your stomach out of the way. make space for your stomach because your stomach is going to be there anyway. And this was like, you know a bomb went off in my head of like, wait a minute, like I can still practice this fosture with my stomach in the way. It's okay. it's good to take up space. And so you talk about the kind of freedom that you give to your students by kind of acknowledging that Yoga is for everybody. You know, I think that it is the great benefit of my life that I have had to learearn how to love my body, learn how to love a body that society has actively told me not to like because it allows me to have more empathy with the fact that everybody is having that experience or feeling like not good enough or that something is wrong with their body. because when you started talking about that with Gomukasana, I was just like, literally the reason that I know that and feel that is because I feel the exact same way about that posture. Like it is one of the most challenging postures for me. It's something that I've been extremely critical of myself about and very judgmental and it always comes down to just accepting it exactly as it is, exactly as I am right now so that like maybe my legs are not crossing over each other entirely. Maybe I'm using a block, maybe I'm resting my foot on a block. Maybe my fingers are not pressing together. Maybe I'm just trying to even get my arms somewhere near one another and that is okay. I'm okay exactly as I am right now. And in addition to that, I think that getting okay with exactly as you are then opens the door for this idea that you were saying, taking up space. And that idea of taking up space has been a game changer for me because I don't know about you, but I really try to make myself small all the time. I'm like trying to take up as little space as possible And it's not just physical space, it's emotional space, spiritual space. It's like I don't want to encumber anybody else by existing. L I don't want to offend anybody else with my existence And that idea, talk about a pervasive idea. It seeps into everything. You can't do anything because you don't want to take up space. And so just allowing yourself practicing, taking up space in the yoga practice, The effects in the rest of your life. It resonates in a way that words can't express. It becomes about something that It's not just about a yoga posture at all. Like if you can practice taking up space in a physical posture You can take up space in the rest of your life I've beeninking about my spaces lately And I've realized just how much thoughtful design can change the feel of my everyday routines. But I honestly never expected a toilet to be part of that conversation until I experienced the Kohler Smart toilet collection Kohler has been elevating bathroom design since eighteen seventy three And you can really feel that legacy in the way their products are designed. the Koler Vail smmart toilet design immediately stands out It's modern, sleek, almost like a functional work of art It just makes your entire bathroom experience feel more elevated It's a reminder that the right design can make everyday moments feel cleaner, more comfortable, and more intentional Kohler has been redefining bathroom design for more than one hundred and fifty years And their smart toilets really show how design and innovation can transform even the most routine parts of life Design changes everything And Kolar smart toilets are a really great example of that Exience the difference of Ker smart toilets Find more at Kohler. com As the weather changes, I've been thinking more and more about my wardrobe And these days, I've been trying to get more intentional about what's in my closet I want getting dressed to feel simpler