Playground Incidents and Children's Books

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Get IXL Now, and listeners can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at IXLearning.com slash audio. Visit ixllearning.com slash audio to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it at progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states. It's the Late Show Pot Show with Steven Colbang. Folks, my next guest is the comedian you know from Crashing How We Roll and his stand-up specials. His new special is Silly Silly Fun Boy. Please welcome back to the late show, Pete Holmes. Just taking ownership of the space. Hey, how old are you? I'm gonna be 47 this very month. This very much? I heard that you might be approaching your late 40s, and I said, he's so young and youthful and sprightly. I was quite surprised. Look who's talking? Yeah, well me. You're not going to be able to do that. Look, if anybody is 27 and they're worried about being 47, it's not that bad. No, it's not. It's not that bad. Yes, it's the little things that's flying, right? Yeah. It's the little things that let you know you're getting older. I'll give you an example. I got in bed the other night with my wife, Bragg. Sh I was barefoot and she was barefoot, so I put my barefoot on her barefoot, you know, keeping that passion alive. You laugh, but in your 40s, that's some kinky stuff right there. A foot? Just contact. Just contact of any kind. I'll put a foot on a foot. Yeah. And I'm not making this up. This is a quote. She goes, Pete, are you wearing shoes? That's 47. That is the texture of my barefoot. She thought it was a gag. She's like, there's no way that's a foot. He's wearing timberlands. You gotta moisturize. You gotta moisturize? Yeah, you gotta use that pumice stone down there to get off the edges. Okay, all right. I'll borrow one from my elderly mother. Last time you were here, we talked about your daughter. Yes, that's right. How old is she now? She's seven. Okay. Leela. Leela get off data's YouTube. Um I'm a parent. I love being a parent. You learn a lot. You do. I learned some things instantly, like, oh I'm dumb. Sure. Yeah. What what what have you learned from being a parent? My daughter's brilliant. She she saw her first limousine and she called it a taxido. That's fantastic. Nailed it. Right. That's fantastic. Leela, Stephen Colbert thought that was fantastic. That's amazing. Wow. And I learned so much about playground culture now that I have a kid, because I can go. Again. Again. You can now again go. There were years when you were not welcome. Look, I'm just saying, guys, you gotta have a plus one. Don't just. Show up. Don't just post up at the playground. They'll put a tarp on you. So what what have you learned about playground culture? Well anybody. No, it's exactly the same in fit. You've forgotten. I'll t I forgot. I'll tell you if you're pushing a kid on a swing, there's a phenomenon about once every 40 minutes or so. Some other kid. You'll all know this. Some other random kid gets all turned around, they get lost in the lights, they burn out their retina like a chicken. They're turned around and they will wander and inevitably will walk the one place it is not safe to walk at the playground directly in front of the swings. The pendulum of death and they get clobbered. Yes. They're always fine. It happened to us. I'm happy to say it's still happening to them. They learned something about fulcrum's. I don't know what they learned. Well they learned that life is unfair. Well, yeah. And they're and they're never hurt. They're made out of rubber. It's like America Ninja Warrior. They're fine. Okay. So this comes into play in the story. I took my daughter to a playground for a birthday party. She was five at the time. Yes. There were five swings. My daughter sat in the middle swing. She was too young to pump, so I started pushing her. Before too long, two of her little friends came and sat to her right. I didn't have anything going on. Sure. Got all three of these little tasking. It was amazing. Before too long, two more kids. No. Steven, like I said I was free. Yes. I decided to go for my personal best. I got five. Five kids soaring high in the sky. It was a highlight of my life. It was like a plate spinner on the Ed Sullivan Show. It was amazing. You know the tune? Yes. So true story, in the distance, this is the kid's real name. I see this little boy, he's also five. We know this kid, he's a good kid. He's kind of got a vacant look in his eyes. His name is Ira. Ira does a lazy banana around the swings. He plants his feet in the dirt next to me, doesn't say a word, just cocks back. Punches me square in the balls. I didn't see it coming. Why would I, why would I be like, oh, here comes Ira, he's gonna punch me square in the balls. He did, it really he was good too. He was in a stance, he kept his elbow up, like who taught Ira how to fight? Unprovoked, because some people just want to watch the world burn. I listen, I thought taxed was funny. Yes. Until I heard one of them punched you in the balls. One of them punched me? Well really, really hurt. And I can't get mad at Ira, because he's a child. Yes. And I'm not gonna get mad at him. So my only recourse was I stopped pushing the other kids. I only push my daughter. They start move they stopped moving. They said push us, push us. I'm like, no, Ira ruined it. That was my protest. Sure. The other kids leave. Ira walks away, satisfied, having done his evil deed for the day. I'm just pushing my daughter. I'm pushing her like 40 minutes. She loves the swings. This is completely real. I didn't come all this way to lie to you tonight. I'm pushing Leela in the corner of my eye, as luck would have it, Steven, friggin' Ira. I see him. He's all turned around. He doesn't know where he is. He's like Walter White in a fugue state. He doesn't know. He starts walking his way towards. I'm like, is this, is this about to happen? Listen to me. I stayed in rhythm. Do you understand? I didn't slow down, I just, anybody that saw me would be like, that dad is clean, stayed at the exact same pace. I was like, let's see what God wants to have happen. I was like, I was like that, man, I'm not gonna kill you, but I don't have to save you. It was like that. Steven, it timed out perfectly. My daughter collided with Ira, he fell to the ground. Best acting I've ever done in my life. I was like, Ira, no! Anybody but IRA But in- But in my mind I was like, that's right, you friggin' turd, that's what you get. I wanted to crouch over him like Halo, you friggin' noob. Well, you clearly have a way with children. Yes. And which is why you have written your first children's book. It's called Spells to Cast on Your Parents. That's right. That's right. Why did you want to write for the youth? Peter. Why did you want to write for the youth? Yes. Well I love reading in my daughter, and I love books that encourage parents and kids to be silly together. So I wrote this book for my daughter, made us laugh. I was like, let's give it a shot. But I think you'll like it. You're a you're a Lord of the Rings guy. There's a dragon in it. No, there's a dragon on the cover. Yeah, yeah. Are there dragons in the story? There's a small dragon named Jesse who guards the book. Do you enjoy the fantasy? I do. Oh yeah. You know what I love about it? What? Whenever you watch Lord of the Rings, the movies, or like The Witcher, any of these things, have you noticed they always have a British accent? Yeah. Like that's how they let you know that there are dragons afoot? But why? That's a real that's an accent that's a today accent. There are millions of people that use that accent today. That's not a magical, something wizardly about that. But it works, right? They're like Gandalf, we have to go to the apothecary, and we're like, oh I'm sorry, what did you say to Gandalf? We need to Gandalf, we have to go to the apothecary. To the apothecary. Okay. And we're like, are these real hobbits? Like we buy it. But like it I'm from Boston, it wouldn't work. Wouldn't work with what you couldn't have a guy get off a horse like, there's a wizard over there! The wizard stealing unicorns! He took two unicorns and a goblin! He's a unicorn smuggler! It wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. But it works in here. Thank you for having me. Silly Silly Fun Boy is available now on the streaming service 800 Pound Gorilla and will be on YouTube March 24th, plus the book. Pete Holmes, everybody.