Listener Questions on Survival

Hello and welcome to the Luxury podcast. My name' is Jonathan Vernon Smith and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life. Hello, Jonathan and I here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living whatever your budget. In each episode of the Luxury podcast, William and I tackle an area of life that we think you should upgrade Sorting the Omss lows from the hyacynths advising the nation in gracious living Willie, what are we going to talk about today? Well, we're going talk about the most everyday of everyday moments I've had four this week. We're talking about The apocalypse. The apocalypse, as you do, how can you have a luxury experience apocalypse Yes, because if the world is ending, you want to make sure you go out In style. You do. Yes, Yes to be remembered But of course no one will be there to remember you. So what's the point? You could argue. Yeah, yeah,ly. And thank you to James Hanson for suggesting this topic. Yeah. So this is again, if this is a terrible episode I can give you his address. I think it's going to be a goodie, William. It should be a goodie. And actually, do you know what? I think was it was Rodrigo, your soon to be holiday companion who suggested to me earlier when I was having a little pre production meeting of my own lying down on the sofa. What type of apocalypse are we talking about Are we having a zombie apocalypse Are we having a nuclear apocalypse? I think that's more likely What a zombie one? No no, A nuclear one. Yeah. I mean, zombies are not that's not going to happen, is it? No. Although you know, it's a bit of fun Yeah, yeah But I know would you If a zombie was approaching you, oh yes, what would you say Is he coming towards me aggressively? Well in a zombo. In a m Maybe he's carrying a machete. Right. Okaykay Did I ever tell you that when I was a child I did Judo? So what I would do is I would get him by the neck. H And then I get my foot behind his leg and I push him on the floor and then I put him in a judo. At which point there's a pressure point in your neck And I Stick my thumbin until he was dead Well, he is dead. He's undead. I could kind of crush him. could crush him, couldn't I? Yeah, I don't know how you killer zombie again No. I bet you One of two of your Spanish cleaning products wouldn't do K him. If I spritched him in the eyes with some l Tresbruchas. Yes. Re reckon that would sort him out? I think it would discombopulate him for a bit and you could run off This Bota de Madres Spritz him. What does that mean? your son of a I thought it was another cleaning products. You recognize that, Rodrigo Well, how is it? He called de Puta, is it? What did I say, Pouta de Madre? What does that mean the mother Ollie, I hope you beat all of that. Because I just used some terrible languages in Spanish. No, I think Ollie Be in Australia is already dead because the apocalypse sort of happened there a bit quicker. A rightight? sooner than us. We're on a bit of a lag. I see. So he's already dead If do you get a let's go back to nuclear apocalypse. Yeah. I think it's a more realistic. So Boom Oh, how long do we have? I have no idea. Right. I presume wed get a bit of warning. half an hour. Oh gosh, is that all we I would say we've got half an hour to get our affairs in order I say get our ref. You face in ordered.' much funer than that. No, but you know, anything you want to do in the last half an hour of your life. R. Get on and do it. on What would you do? Tens' arounds But you know, there've been no going out for a restaurant meal No, no. You'd only halfway through your starter Yeah. Terrible waste. And depends where you go, service can be very slow. Chop, chop quick Hi, I was wondering if you could just check in on our first coursees just because the apocalypse is happening in a minute Let's plan our last day. Okay, so do you think we have a day let's just let's just war game here that we're given the warning the day before that tomorrow I'm going to press the button, you're all going to die. And are we assuming that things like the London transport system the Thames link up north, all the things that we would rely on to get around are cars. They're still working. I think is life as normal. We will expect the service industry to still provide a service for us on the last day. I could go to Heathrow and fly to Bora Bora. Why don't you do that on your last day? Well just say of se it. You could go to Luten and go to Falaraki or wherever is in EU. Thank you. My last day would be very straightforward. Would you like to know what it is? It's probably going to be Do involve the pub Yes, it does. How do you know that? But wouldould you bother to clean No, No, I'm not going to clean. That is interesting I'm going to wake up in the morning, five AM M m of it You wake up, come down and have a full English a pot of coffee Oh, be extravagant. You might as well be awake for the apocalypse. Feed the dogs, have a shower Take the dogs out for a couple of miles Miles, just I think good to get some fresh air inside you You've got a lot to cope with h But bit of fresh air. Come back, maybe put a load on I mean, you never know It might have all they might cancel it. Exactly. it might have been over nothing. So keep your standards up, put a load in And then I think head off to the grove for an all you can eat before Why not? And definitely put your harvester trousers on them today. G for it Go for it Yeah. have several courses at the Grove And I would say wash it down with a few bottles of very, very nice wine. Go for the most expensive on the menu. twowo Ks, you know, blow it all Then I come home. Uh probablyro get a new book because I've had two buook of wine U and then spend the afternoon maybe watch a bit of Netflix. Oh what trrue crime Better true crime or potentially what to wear when yachting. From keeping up appearances. From keeping up appearances. This is where suddenly our apocalyses are very similar. Yeah Then I think I'd go to the pub Hm Gonna have a few pints. Do not think she'd open early because it's the apocalypse. She should be like, well, sod licensing laws we're going to open early. I'd go to the pub and I'd have four pints. I won't care. I'd have four pints and I'd have two bags of Nobbies. I don't care Noore I might as well call that rip cord. And then I'd head back Stick a bit of Lou Rules and Jo McDonald on and then order in a curry. and wait for the big bang and wait for wait for death. That for me is my dream last wee. If you hadn't drunk yourself to death or eaten yourself to death at the Grove Bfet. Yeah. ye. I think I'd really enjoy that Yeah, that'sounds I mean it is basically what you did last Saturday. It is that's kind of my life. Yeah. but I like my life I like it. You just Do it all over again Well your idea of getting on a plane and going somewhere It's just absolutely fraught with danger. You'd end up It's the apocalypse, Jonathan. Yes, but you're going to spend your final moments, probably in a delay at the airport. find yourself in a nightmare situation in an air. Does everyone else know it's the apocalpse, or have you and I been tipped off? Of course they do. everyveryone knows There's going to be panic throughout Okay When I go to the grove, I shall say calm down, Serve that beef. aboutout your final day I think Jonathan's on something and you want to get up relatively early to make the most of your last day. Youve't ever a lying, can you Well I might wake up at six. Yes W, okay cooffee coffee at home, I love coffee in home at home. If the weather' nice, I go going sit alfresco and just sort of soak it up. our nice dining table outside. Would you fire up the Ninja flex flame? Not at breakfast? Not at that time of the morning. No. Lar I would probably I'm going to admit something here if it was my last day. on something that Mike and I often do on New Year's Day Oh yeah And we're feeling a little bit devilish. Oh this is going to be good. pull up a chair buckethead. We open up an app And we order a McDonald's brereakfast What You don't. That's New Year's Day. ally all of your luxury credentials have just gone straight out of the window. What are you thinking Just, you know, because I can't I'm not going to waste it cooking So I'm gonna order food in. All right, Yeah. I shouldn't be negative. This is your day. Yeah make it special. And also, I don't care what you think ' because I'm about to die. Exactly. So you've had your McDonald's breakfast. Have a McDonald's breakfast Th then on ao You got You've got to go clean. And I would listen in the sh out have an incredibly long shower. I'd click the you know extra hour on the boiler to give a lot of hot water So I could be in there and listen to the full cast album of Mary Poppins the twenty nineteen practically perfect edition go through that whilst because because I'm going to assume that Mary Ppin is not on in the West end so I can't go and see it 'm assuming the apocypse is sort of now So I would enjoy that whilst in the shower cleaning myself. Pbably and I'm going to say this I probably wouldn't use Litrture or the other one. What would you use? Cow shed? Why Well becausecause I want to smell like I like to smell You do not need to use these products, William. You can give them back No, no, I don't use them What's the other one called? So so rude. Latoria and in aepravia. And I use I alternate between both of them Right, but you'd go back to your rubbish couch Just for the last day. Right, okay N'm taken everything you look more wounded So I'd go back to that getet through the album Dry myself blow der hair. Yeah, ex That's the worse it's gonna happen And then I would probably go and have more coffee outside the house in a nice coffee shop or a hotel. I'd go to Clara's I'd sayd take Mikey. He might have his own plans for the apocalypse. This is exhausting already. You're all over the shop, are't you? You've had at McDonald's, You're off to Clarity's have got an hour long shower, washing yourself in cow shed. ninety minutes. Now you're off to Clarity's coffee. Coffee and probably a salad Why are you bothering this salad? it's a nice salad. I've just had a McDonald's breakfast. Hot this salad come on. Sit in the Foyyenne reading room So up the ambiance. Hopefully it'll be cal I would like to think Carages is a sort of place that even if there is an apocalypse imminent It would still be very common. I think they will ensure that everyone goes out in style Then I might go to a bookshop and browse a bookshop One of my favorite things to do is just browse a bookshop even if I don't buy anything thing. Oh good I would then go back to clarriages later for a Martina. Okay, or maybe the Connd Now we're cooking on g. Yes. Now we're. What happens Wh me what happens You just don't have one more TV. Maybe two, two Yeah them more Then I would probably, I would want to see friends But then but I appreciate when it's an apocalypse, all the friends might be doing what they want to do. So it's not like I can text friends and go Jo and come to the co from Martini because they might be like, well, my idea of heaven is going off to blubah bril. Yeah. You might be busy at the grove doing your miles walks with your dogs. No, I will have had the grove at lunchtime. I'll be home. I mean, I could meet you. I could meet you. Okay, you come into town. For the final boom I mean, it'd be quite nice to go together in the boom, would? Yeah, it would. I think it would be nice to whether it's family or friends, at least sort of be there as we all die. As the clash counts down, you and I look at each other and we say But This is actually quite deressive. Who Which of the two of us are going to survive longer, longest U you Really? Yes There's a lot of I couldt see that face It will live ond T there's a lot of alcohol in you. You're gonna be preserved. Let's go boom L' like a Roman candle, b Now, I think you will you'll be quite indestructible Yeah. Well, I won't feel it. No, no All they'll find of you I mean, if anyone does survive it What is you? That's his face If you watched Dor. Who when they brought it back for the first time that skin that was in a at the It was a voiced by Sory wanna makeak her, I think. Wasn't it like Yeah, something like that Googled Dctor Who skkinface or something. . Um Yes I think you'd but I think I'd also give up. I'd be like, oh yeah, fine, whatever just throw yourself into the fire or whatever's going on. No Candra Cassandra. Can you show Jonathan a picture of Cassandra? this will be what I look like If you want to see just Google Cassandra doctor Who Would you make your bed? No, I probably wouldn't. Would you not I'd still make the bed? Yeah. I couldn't bear to not make the bed. Well, it's the same as when my parents go on holiday. My mother has to leave the house absolutely immaculate. to sort of almost pathological levels even though it is an immaculate house anyway, because she always says, if anything happen to them whilst they're away, she doesn't want people going into the house going She left it like this. Exactly. So when I do understand that, ye Would you if you were Either on the phone or in face to face with people, colleagues, friends, family, would you tell them anything? Would you sort of declare an undying love or go I tell you what I think of you Would you sort of get it all out? No And about positive things. Would you go, Oh I've always loved you or No,' very I think maybe a manly hand shake. My father, my brother say good jroob chaps and you know, move it there. Could you be more affectionate to the dogs? Oh yes, that wouldd be terrible. the dogs Yeah, that wouldd be terrible What you You don't quite know how we're going to die in the apocalypse. You know it's nuclear, but we don't know what it's going to be like and how painful it's going to be. And I'm saying this with love Would you put Popping betting out the misery first No. No, you just all go because you don't what happen What you mean it? Do you mean what take them to the vet whatever you want to do I'm not going to do it any other way. I might No, but like if, you know, nuclear boma boom, it happens, we've said goodbye We're lying there like And you look atross and Poppy and Betty are also, U and you hear them, would that not worry you and trouble you? Oh my God, what are you trying to do? You could have give me sleep this night? No, I'm not. but I'm bl like So I look over and they're kind of what just kind of wriggling and writhing aboutir that's alivver And I look over and I think I could have taken you to the vets and had you humanely youutan. So you didn't have to go through this ordeal. Would you be humane about it knowing that I'm going to do the humane thing rather than You know Well, if I was one hundred percent sure it was definitely gonna to happen, then maybe And maybe I'd have myself euthanized as well while I'm there. Do you think that whatever they give animals at the vets are stronger for humans? Well, it's the same stuff they use, William. Oh, justust on a stronger dose. Yeah Yeah. So, u No know, maybe what I could do is I can say to the vet Can you, this is a terrible conversation I could say to the bitch, could you just give me What I would need if I need to do it myself And then I could wait and see because it might be a false flag You know And it might turn out not to happen. And if I've ended up killing my dog for nothing, be that would be But at least you'd still be alive Well, yeah, but h Have we ever had a false flag with the apocalypse before U No, I don't think so. I don't think so term And is there one If you okay, so boom And then we go to the afterlife P. How how do we know there's an afterlife Let's just go with it. There's an afterlife and you are able to take one thing from this life that you will be guaranteed whether you come back as a pigeon, whether you come back as whoever that that will be yours watch that you will have and you can watch use drink What are you going to money in a b That's a good one Maybe Last Tres Bruas multi surface spreads Because you can use that virtually anywhere And when you come back as a pigeon, that'll be for use. There will still be services to spritsz, William. Yeah. What would you take then? I take all of Keepp appearances. Oh, the whole boxet. Yeah, and something to watch. I was gonna to say you need a TV. Yeah. or an iPad with it all preloaded You're taking a preloaded iP And as a pigeon, how how you a pigeon can still watch. How are you gonna play that? With my beak You're taking multiurface sprz. There's nothing wrong with being hygienic and clean You're a pigeon, you're carrying germs. Well That's very true myself I'm sure we've got some apocalyptic questions from our listeners. Yes. If we survive this adbreak, I was going to say, I think I can hear the phone Is that the phone? Oh there it is. There it is. We'll be back in a second Welcome back bucketheads. we We've been discussing the apocalypse. and it's now time for your questions. So let's check out our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch Postman at luxurypodcast. co. Uk is the place for your queries and your questions. This first one is from Ellior, Jonathan and William, shouldh the apocalypse come? what would be the one luxury item you would risk being eaten by a luxury zombie for a better class of person for Oh, my dogs Oh I think it will be my dogs. That's nice. My dogs are what I'd save in a fire But eice Yeah. okay. Well, I guess my husband, I should probably say That's nice. It's nice Yeah, probably that. or The etiquette book Grny gave me when I was twelve. You'd save Granny's etiquette book. Yeah. Leave Mikey in there Go and get the edicate book Yeah Jake's been in touch says good day gents Here's a term you may or may not have come across Trappers B The person with possibly too much time on their hands who hoards and preps for the apocalypse If you had to prepare a bunkard What would you have in terms of essential items and in terms of non essential but luxury items? I can picture JVS hoarding Spanish soap. So at least if he's eaten by zombies or torn apart by crazies, Mad Max style, at least he'll smell forever No, at least you'll smell Luke's impression of you. Yeah Well, that's very true. I would like that. Probably take, what else would I take take a very, very several bottles, in fact many bottles of tankorateangine. Oh, I was going to say beer. A couple of bottles of verouth and certainly the way I make my martine is you don't need many Some lemons J of Peter Sara Boston shaker Iice some sort of o or if I don't have ice, a freezer to keep the alcohol in Okay Speaking of which, I have just ordered everything you need to make martinis to my dressing room so I can do a little dressing room martinis for everyone at the show Oh, you are such a thespian. It was Nigel Habvers does it too, apparently So this before the show or after during uring was a bit in act one where I get a bit of time off. Right Probably not long enough to make a martini And are they happy about you going back on stage having had a drink? Yeah. Yeah Why not As as to do the show? Yeahact don't right place they don't care. As long as you can remember your lines? Yes You' having just sing a song, I've seen you kind of in your videos singing away? Well we all sing shouldoulders going. We all sing at the end, yes. Right. But there are some musical notes So yeah, I would those that's what I would have in my bunker And what else would I have? Lovely bedding Oh nice yeah. Yeah. proper bed. thread count. Yes Satine cotton Again sekeeping confferences iPad Maybe with a couple of other things put on there, Mary Poppins. Yeah things that I could comfort watch because I think you would be in need of comfort and chocolate Yeah, an awful lot of chocolate down there. I'd like a smoke alarm. I might take one of my smoke alarms. Why' do you need a smoke alarm? Well, you never know if you might It'll be going off left right hand center. There's an apalypse upstairs Yeah, but you've got to be prepared and have an early warning sign. Maybe my master bllaster I could take that off the wall. You don't want that in your bunker, you'll be deaf. Oh by the way, I forgot to tell you I took my master bllaster off the other day. Oh my God, that master blaster is goingoing off left right and center Well, I forgot that you know I've had my garage door censored by a team of professional neighbors, m love of you And I came home the other day and it was pouring with rain and I thought, I'll just go straight through the garage press my remote control for the garage And as it went up, oh my word, the whole thing went off. I had to go into the house to turn the master bl well, to turn the system off. was so for your panels. by the front door. Yeah. Oh my god, that's a long rooute. It was no, no, no. I went through the front door. Oh, I see. You didn't get go through the door. No, I didn't go through there. And I turned and I went in and it was so loud, William I said to Sadie before our recordings day, I nearly had a bodily accident because It kind of all of my bodily ability went. I was like jelly Terrifying the oldld Master Blaster. Well at least it works. Yeah. D you not have a fob that you comp press from outside to turn off the system? No, because I've got a legacy system I've got a legacy system, as you know very well, right I have to put my fob on the panel I know It's fun Yeah, but all it was very loud. Is that a proximity fog proximity forb. Oh, no, we've just because they will'll tell you about this tomorrow. We've just had the team round And we've now got for our cleaner. we've got a proximity foob Oh my word, I can't wait for tomorrow now. This sounds fantastic, but back to the. Let's hope we survive today.ise you'll never get tomorrow.ight Do you want to do Helen? Helen says hello to the beautiful ones I have questions about the zombie apocalypse I have absolutely no practical skills whatsoever built a career utilizing understanding and empathy Theyforeall probably not recognize when my end was nigh For example, if a zombie apocalypse was imminent I'd struggled to drive a knife through the brains of Doris next door had struggled to drive a knife through the brains of Doris next door if she became infected and zombified I'd probably attempt to reason with her before she inevitably chowed down on in the event of his old be apocalypse Who would you like to be eaten by And when you've been turned Who would you like to eat I'd like to eat Hannah Fy because she's got a tasty big brain. Lots of love says Helen from Devon. Oh I I know who I'd like to be. bye I don't. I don't. Can I guess? Is it Ryan Philippy? No, you. Why I know why I'd like you to eat me? Why? Because your appetite is not what it was And I feel like you'd get halfway through my arm and you'd be like, o, well, that's me dumb for today fighting chance to get away He had help m. Yeah. Did you know that I'd like to eat? Chris Pratt Now can I tell you why? Who's Chris? Oh, yeah, the actor. The actor Chris Pratt. Yeah. And I'll tell you why He's a big chap. He's got it looks like he's got a lot of meat on him. Yeah It looks like it's not Hard meate to know He looks like there's a tenderness to it You know, if for example, you've got a gladiator, yes, they got a lot of metal. I bet they are tough, tough as anything Whereas I think Chris Pat, crack, Pat David. Chris Pratt. Yeah. I think he'd be Tnder. and tasty Keep you fed for weeks. Who would you like to eat? you raise a good point that they've got to have a lot of meat on the bones because for survival. You know, you don't want an athlete or someone who's going to be too sinewy before too sy L because I'd naturally say Short Mendez is the comedy answer to go to. veryer toned and lanes along. Yeah exactly. No, you need something with a nice a nice kind of u bit of fat going through it Can I come back to you on now? Yeah. I feel I need to Also they need to Also they don't need to be that attractive that you think, oh, this is a bit weird now I'm eating them. No, they no, they don't need to be attractive. They need to be tasty.. They need to look like they're tasty But I've never really looked at anyone and gone, yum. That' not strictly true, but not not from a notot from a I'd like to eet you. I'd like to eet you. That's quite cannibalistic. It's quite reassuring Yeah I once when at school had I won't name the friend. I'm not in touch with him still. He was an interesting chap And we were maybe in year eight or year nine and he turned to me, he was sort of known as sort the local psychopath And he said to me Do you know, William, you're the only one in my I year group that I don't want to kill. G on, I should have list V Very kind of you, thank you. Wow. Did you report him? No, no, no, no, I I wouldn't dare I'm just thinking that. What a funny thing to say. That is a funny thing to say U and what about who would you like to eat you Well, you make a good point someone that doesn't have a big appetes. Yeah. Be you don't have a lot of meat on the bones. No, I think I'd be fairly failsafe. There's no point going for me No You'd be like Id have to stand near larger people. so I stood a better chance. You know, when you do a roast chicken and you know the wings, do you ever take the wings off and chew them? No I can't stand on the bone. No be like you with your arms You'd h hold your arm either end and have to work it down like a corn on the cob Wouldn't it be your arms? Well don't stick things on either end of me. No This is from Catherine Would Jonathan finally use his indoor kitchen during the apocalypse? or risk being eaten by the zombies but avoid indoor smells Well, that's true. I better stay indoors. I lock all the doors. Sure yeah. Oh my God, maybe your master blaster will get rid of the zombies do Yeah. blow them off Yeah. might do. Well it does it does kind of generate a lot of air. Yes.. Do zombies have hearing they don't If they don't have hearing, then I'm afraid they are coming for you. Right. But I would stay inside because I think that I could see that big headedge at the back I've got like zombies coming over it. Oh yeah Right So if you're inside the doorors lo, I'll stay and they won't get in because I've got high security systems. You've got a grille over you back door. Ive got I've got a high security door film on my window, yes. They won't get in. No be fine honey, I'm saf Well hasn't this been helpful? do you know, I've enjoyed the apocalypse more than I thought I would. Yes, is's almost something to look forward to. Yes, isn't it really? Rll on. Yeah. I think we'll leave it there for now. We will of course be back tomorrow for one of our bonus episodes where it looks like William's going to be Bringing us up to date with his alarm system. And other topics. We need to talk about my Yeteline Rodrigueo trip to ame for my Oh. We'll be back tomorrow Goodbye.