Breaking a Leg in School

Coming up on this week's system pot. Sounded up a sixty eight Fuck you love it . I love it. Yeah, that's the only way you're gonna unwind that my hat . The elephant in the room, look me out, not that is adult panto. Yes , which is bizarrely popular amongst scum. , I started shaving at eleven years old . That's not fluorcible. Oh my god . Oh , I started shaving at eleven. Yeah. Well or, the farmers are like that in school , but yeah, they were all around infected feed. So I think it was Hello, welcome to this week's socially distant sports bar. This is a live episode of Distant Pod. We recorded this one in Camarthen . It was a homecoming gig for Ellis . What do you need to know? What contextualizes this? It was boiling hot that day . Really, really hot day. I think a lot of the audience had been in the pub for a long period of was it a Friday night? I think it was a Friday night that we did this gig and I think that there had been a lot of drinking that had happened . Ell stuck on the train. He missed a train. There was a tube strike in London. That's what happened and he missed a train so he was running late. Mike got stuck in a load of traffic off around Patalba. I think Ell might even jumped off the train in Petalva and got a taxi. There were all sorts of logistical issues involved in getting there on time, but we did. There are a couple of references where we play in some stuff that we found on the comput ers at the Lyric Theatre in Camarthen because Ellis did Pantomime there and there were all sorts of outtakes of little things that he'd done for the Pantomime he was mirror on the wall and all of his bits were videoed in. So we found all those video bits while we were waiting for Ellis and Mike to arrive and me and Giles our tour manager banged them into the show at various points. So if all of a sudden you hear Ellis talking over the top of himself in some sort of pantomimite vibe. That'll be why that happened. I'm not sure how it lands an audio gag, very good visual gag. This was the last of the run that we did, but it's one of my favorites from the shows that we did. We're still gonna use the other shows that we did. So I think there's the second Hackney Empire night that you guys haven't heard yet, which had Charlie Baker as a guest, which was a lot of fun. That's still to come at some point over the next couple of months and the cardiff gig, the second night of the cardiff gig, which I'll be honest, I recorded badly. Adam is dealing with the audio files from that one. That one will also land. It's not badly record ed enough that we won't use it as an episode, but it is badly recorded enough that Adam's having to do some tinkering with it to get it to a point which is good. Anyway, this is the Camarthen gig . This is part one of the Camarthen gig. I hope you enjoy . If the photo lamps cells take the tub off , make sure make your way to the fire exit and meet at the assembly point. One of the Guianya, one, Bon of thea D gue Gestu lai,adies and gentlemen, please give a very warm lyrics theatre welcome Feres James Stef Carrell, Mike Pubbins, it's a socially distanced part And I've got to say it is horribly predictable that a Command audience have meant we've gone up fourteen minutes late because you were in the pub for too long. It was always gonna happen . They're still coming in. They're still coming in. Yeah. Charles . Child's overtour manager just said, We're never gonna fucking start. We just got to start at a gig . What have you done? Have you wait yourself? Mike's tipping up his chair. Why is the fucking point, Robert ? How do we fucking manage for a hundred years with the old fashioned tops on these fucking bott om. How is that easier? Yeah. It's not the serious for recycling making. It's keeping it with the bowl. Whoa, are you gonna now snap it off? Snap it off. Do you? Yes, it's a fucking mugs game. And where'd you watch it? I agree. I agree with Green peace over here. That's disrespectful, Michael. Why don't you get a point of them? I reckon they make a hard at a pool. They make a hard at a drink, they're a pain in the ass. They're hard to put back on. I hate to do this, but I snailed it. Want it? I don't know. Yeah. It just feels easy. I don't think it's hard. I do wonder what bottle companies thought we were doing with those lids before. Where are you gonna lob that fifteen miles away on the floor and crack on? You're either going to bin it or you're not going to bin it, right? No one has ever gone Oh finish that no, put that over there and put that over there Where's that root? Out of respect for the stuff, don't get a nook. You don't get that napkin. Did you get people in meat? If you pick up your fucking bottle toss me, you put someone out of a job . Just have that ridiculous genuinely go get it. I will go to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Rascar. That's gone now . Yeah Thank you. That's better. Good Although, although I'm not saying that we're in a Wesmailian rugby hot bed, but our sound man is watching card if this is the Ospreys on my fad so yeah that one's s offent already , we have . No, I'd join this. You're all right . They're all here. Yes. Get over the bottle thing. I've got a form. Right. I've got wet underpants. I've sat nothing to do with the bottle. I'm sat in a wet chair with wet pants. Okay, join a swap. Swap chairs. I'll swap cheers . Yeah. It'll make you grow up . There you go. So now bits of water. So now sixty point six percent of this podcast has got wet pants. Maybe we're wearing anyway it's fine. Oh okay. Well, cheers anyone else. Cheers. Yeah. Love that there are still people coming in. The show's advertised out there . Don't fall Nill down. Welcome . Yeah . Unbelievable. Yeah. Because I've got I've got a lot of mates in school in and we're all having a game of five sides tomorrow and I'm in the WhatsApp group. I can see a pin ation twenty past seven saying should we have a paint in the sun and weather spoons . Show starts in eight minutes by here. All got comps? No, they're not here . Yeah , we sucked it off an hour ago. They haven't even appeared up their comps yet. Are there free tickets as well? We got to sold them. Yeah. Bastards. Yeah So there we go. We appear just rolled over with this. What do you mean? We just rolled over. Back to the water bottle thing. But it's just in general. Like with I don't own a water bottle company. I haven't rolled over with anything. We're ring pulls. Right? Yeah. Same thing. Why do you think they got to stay on? Oh no,, no no,, no no, , the eighties ring poles. You could fire. Yeah, you'd never smile like the joker while the end of it is horrible little cut. That's an improvement, I think. Recon Yeahnect?, thees Wed thatn we would just pull off like in the eighties and just chuck on the floor and people would stand on them in their bare feet. That's it . Oh yeah, the fucking casualty units are full of people who store wrinkles in their bare feet. Who's walking on the street to their bare feet? Odd balls . Well, if they're odd balls, I mean that's at least they're fucking worried. Yeah . No, where are you on seatbelts then? Don't try and make me out of be some sort of fucking l udite. No, seat belts are good. Okay . In the front belts for me? In the fronts . He's ambivalent to them, let alone seat belts. No, seat belts are good to save lives. I don't have no problem. That's not saving loads, mate. Yeah. I think long term, yes, it is. How? Recycling. Yeah, you're gonna recycle it. Right. You're either gonna recycle it, you're not gonna recycle it. Right? A bit of it's attached, it's easier in it. Not really. Okay. That's like saving through your logic So why are I? Then why don't they fucking sell twelve bottles of water all attached to each other? Because you know, if they're all stuck together, then when I recycle, I'll recycle all of them. Right? I'm quite capable of doing this and then recycling this bottle. It's fine. I can take that off and think, Oh, recycle that. I've checked that in as well . You can, but I don't think everyone is as, I guess, blessed as you. Yeah . You can't legislate for everyone being as talented and as gifted. Well no, it's just, I think we're sometimes we say yes to stuff without well we don't get we don't get consulted . And I don't think we should either on bottle production and rubles. I'm too busy man. And also, I'm not replying to. that I'm not on the BBC , so I can say this now. Referendums tend to get this country in trouble . So if you if you wanted a referendum on these , it would land in your favor, maybe no doubt about it. We're going to hell in hand cast. Absolutely. All I'm saying is still an end of the wedge. I would like you to be separate, is that to me? Anyway, welcome to my hometown. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're in from Carmen . Okay, I'm less popular than I'd thought, but that's who's come from a long way? All right, well I'm who's come from Ireland? The entire front rose from Ireland . I was complaining about the traffic on the way down to me three hours a bit from Carter because the M four, right? Now I'll love the Irish friends and I said, It's taken me three hours to get here. Like we've come from Ireland. Fair enough? Yeah . I said, Well, not just for this cake though, yeah, just for this cake. Well, you're not you're not staying to see the sights ? Oh, thank you. Yeah, someone someone was just laughing at. What are the sights now, do tell? Yeah, he is there's a fa . Have you heard of a lovely little village called Nantakaus? What is that? As the English call it cheesy stream. Cheesy stream . How would you get that name for a village? Well, do I reckon it was. I reckon it would be something like washing wool. What do you mean? Well, it looks pretty looks milky you've only finished that would be milky stream. Well, yeah, but up there well that begins. Milk becomes cheese eventually and then why not to cows. Yeah, none Nantis . That's Lark. Sorry sorry Montes. Yeah. Well, maybe that's what people watch the dick back in the old days. Nanticok? You had to spoil it, didn't you? Sorry, Minister, if Nestor? Yeah, Mum's in here. She's using weather spoons with the rest of the lads. Yeah, yeah. She's playing five or so tomorrow, so they'll all be shit Face Nestie, you'd be fine. You could go to the botanical gardens. Is that in command? That's less popular. No, but it's commutable What's the best thing about London? Bristol . So the best thing come there's only Camila, is it? This is the best thing in Commander. We're in it, did they? I love another egg. Yeah, this is my favorite venue. I'm trying to think about the Kuroo's nice and beer No, there's a pub called Kuroo. Okay, we call the pub Beer. Yeah. Mega Mega. Right next to Bana, the bakery . What is coffee cell ? That was when I was a kid there was grumbies, which Boo shit name shit name. Brownbees was where the under fourteens used to drink. Oh And I remember asking a copper's daughter once I said, Is your dad? Is your dad upset that the grumbies is full of twelve year olds and she went No , we know what everyone is then . So they're complete is a dialogue. The underage shrinking. Yeah, dialogue. They don't do it. Like my boy and his mates don't sorry sixteen. You say that, but I was in Cardiff yesterday and the varsity game, the rugby Cardiff Bonds was chaos. Yesterday was fucking chaos here. Yes,perate but famously people in university aren't underage. No . You man's land at a fair point there . So the best thing the best thing you can out there is not a command then and your example of a wonderful underage drinking is a bunch of people old enough to drink . No . ten thousand doopy houses. But you hear that even students don't drink as much as they do. No, no, no, I didn't say that. Okay, well I'm talking about something else and it's my gig, so I'm going to do that. But I saw the hustings I saw Bloke on platform one of Caro Central Train Station He was sick and they as in good? No no as in like Mohammed's kids I think you're all streets This was about five o'clock so the game was the finished. Okay. So he was sick , and then he slipped in his sick and then he got up and he looked at his sick and he went, oh fuck did that . Okay But I thought that kind of behavior was dying out in general, but it has it, oh you guess you get pockets of it ? Yeah . So the quins are athletic youth and not drinking like they were in the nineties . Oh, okay. Fucking up. That young fourteen year old is. Yeah Sounded up as sixty eight Fucking love it . Yeah, I love it. Yeah. That's the only way you're gonna wind up my sat . So you almost stuck in traffic. Yeah. You missed a train? I missed two trains, yeah. Oh, sorry. And a tube. And well, all there was a tube. There was no tube, so I missed the LEM forty. I gave up on that one. Okay. And then in a master short, though, you got off a Portalbut and got a taxi from Portalburg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Click I was being clever. Clever Not reading his text. I was looking for clever. That was an extremely bad decision . And all of the plans we had. I had to be torn that . But still here . But the advantage for me was talking to the lads who were now watching the Ospreys game backstage. Yeah they keep loads of stuff from previous shows here. Loads are they so they got a big hard drive out the back there, right? I'm scared of that word . Why? Not my mind to find me. If you can fucking watch it, I'll give you all the passwords . Well they go. They've got a load of good stuff here, like what? Hit one, Giles. Oh my god. I am the spirit of the magic mirror of Pentrevan . And I see you all. Yay. Before I answer your question, Your Majesty, you must real ise that I am unable to Yep. Oh yes, please. Maybe I was in this year's Pardington. Oh yes, I was I got pretty easy you wish your majesty. All right, Giles, turn that fucking thing off for I will fucking sank you so help me go. I can assure you that you are indeed the fairest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What I love is you love Kamarth then yes. Yeah. Proud Rossman. Yeah. You love the lyric. You just says the lyric. Favor of anywhere anywhere. Yes. Right. So you thought you'd dial your performance in from London, yeah. Yeah. No, not you came here. I came to I came to I came to Slashy. Yeah, he did film it. This is not Lefi. They Slashy's got a better set of fulfillment. Hey, that's gone down well with it. Hey Mon Go down sick of the platform. Take it up. Didn't you say they were double booked or something? Take it up with the attracier car . So I was yeah, I think I'll probably do it next year as well. You weren't in the show, though. No, so I wasn't if you could tell I was the spirit of the magic mirror. I worked that out, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But only because he's such a good actor. Jesus Christ style. The magic mirror, entry van and I see you . But turn the fucki thing off It's behind you The kids loved it. What was the bun term? What? What was the punctum? Oh, I thought you said what was the buns? Why yeah, second question how much you get paid for it? I'm I'll call a follow up. The punto was I have forgotten . What once got a bloken air? So white. Yes, it was so white and I loved every second of it. Yeah, yeah. So you were in it. And you came to see it. You came to see it. Steve , Jesus Christ . Steve , who was Steve who was all right, child , Jesus Christ There's loads of them. Yeah, I know that is loads. You've probably got all the outtakes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't see the outtakes . Tell you one thing, you've they won a big performance in the punt door. Are you one under acting? I'll give you that. No, no, that's like , that's like that's like the tenth tick, but the only you know cameras work, though. Yeah. Like the only well, the only note they give is it's got to be bigger. Give him more. Give it Jesus, yeah, my God. The only note they will give you is your magic stuck in the old job. Oh you are penis . I am a confidence player . Okay And I am very, very, very prone to mental collapse . Yeah, the only so you go in thinking you're doing enough and they're like, you've literally got to be eight hundred percent bigger than that and then we're approaching where we want you to be a lot of fun Well, you had bigger Welsh accent as well. They wanted that. They wanted as many references to B ank of as Ber Il couldin squeeze in. Yeah . Where is Bank of Alin? Bank of Erlin is sort of on the way to Whitland isn't. Oh no, it's yeah. Jonathan Davis from things from there. Bobby. Philip Mike Philip is from Bike Phalli. Cool. Foxy's from there, is he? Yeah, yeah, that's what Abby's brother. Yeah, his brother would be from there as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were from the same house . Same pub. Same Fanny. Same fanny. Extern house less than it is. Yeah . Okay, for the exact same fanny, two of them. It's good. What's the answer? Is it that big? Hello . I do like the nicknames though You're all foxy, why call Foxy 'cause my mum and dad run the foxing hounds? Good. Good stuff. Oh, did it? I did know that. Yeah. It's brother Hamsy His brother's name Cubby. It's like Gethin Jenkins is Melon. Why is he Cubby? Because it's a younger fox . Fucking seriously. Fuck you down. Getting Jenkins, Mellon because you got a massive head. Yes, brother, Mango . Slightly smaller Two nicknames. That's good. I like nicknam es. Yeah . Nice boy, Foxy. Very nice. Very handsome lad, great shape on him, the amazing nick on the boy. Yeah. Love the arms, great legs. Beautiful chest . No, here you go. Mike, Mike Phillips is gonna love me. He's got a good looking buddy. A handsome man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And some man. But doing that top five thing I do, I do feel like Danny DeVito on a regular basis. Yeah . It's like bring it the next really handsome in shape bloke for me to talk . Yeah, fuck it out . But it is bad for your self esteem. Not as bad as that, but I mean, no . You do pan, wouldn't you? Okay, for the for the benefit of the tape, Mike is good money forty cents . Let's discuss it during the interval, Mike. Well, especially dialed in It should have been bloody philanthly for a day and do all my bits. You got a chill up twice a day with everyone else. No, it must have fucking hated you. Yeah . Yeah, when Buckham met the cast and yeah there was Tuesday afternoon we're like fifteen people in. Yeah , it wasn't even that. It was it was me and the director and Rihanna was no I'm saying that the audience No it's so it's not even that no it sells It sells out everything does it? The lyric pantos hit came massive. All pantos salad. all p Allant pan . Oh yes, they do If you did the new theatre panto in Cardiff, you'd be playing to a thousand people every week and twice the weekend. Yes. It is mental or popular time still is . Shit as well. That's the thing isn't it ? It's not a gorge lyric, but I mean all the theaters do it, but yeah, I've never thought, oh I fancy better than that. Well, I've seen a pretty good sign. Oh mate. Terry . Oh, I know a few way ago. I know a few comics and they're like, it's either this or Christmas gigs. Christmas gigs in front of unplayable yeah and playable Christmas gigs in front of Christmas Callows works too . I don't think that works for cash flow for a business. No, that's true. Yeah, I've just never appealed, I've never done it again. You've got to employ me and I've sought myself on it. Yeah . I could play I don't even know any characters. I was going to say winter twinkie. I think you've got a widow twinny vibe. I think you've got a widow twinkle vibe. Yeah, what does she do then? Lots of inuine though. That sort of thing, yes. That doesn't sound . Is it a big part Yeah, this is good. Yeah, that's good. It's good. Yeah, me . Yeah. I mean the elephant in the room. Look me up. Not that. adult panto? Yes Is bizarrely popular amongst scum , if that's the case, how come Jim David son doesn't? If you are going to watch boobs in the wood, you've got something wrong with you . Yeah , yeah. But it starts to bad scenes. Boobs in the wood a real one. Yeah, they all came right . Yeah, right. Time Davis was banging into the Adel Panther, wouldn't he? That was there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, hard to believe in it. Yeah, it's really surprising. Hard to believe that big one god rest your soul. Yeah, looks so blood out there. You know, big break. Yeah. What do you do? Imagine you're John Virgo, right? Unless you've got this lovely job, you love Snooker. You're a good player. You would never like find one of the best. You were a good player. Yeah, yeah. A professional stooker player. You had, let's be honest, a fairly tame by modern standards halftime show you wheel out. A bit of banter around other superplayers. You turn your glasses upside down into a hilarious Dennis Taylor. Right? You're doing bad Terry Griffiths. Yeah , and a really bad Alex Higgins. Yes. Yeah. But not knocking the man he's dead, but I'm just saying . Then you get a prime time television show. Yeah, BBC World. Yeah, with all that is watching by eighteen million. eighteen million people everywhere every weekend, right? You got to work with Jim Davidson all the time. Yeah . What you do in that situation ? Take somebody. Yeah, take somebody You don't have to agree with his politics. It would just be weird hanging out with him all the time like hanging with J outim Davidson. I don't think would you? You just got a race with him? Like as soon as John Burgo died , the cook they're looking for is what is Jim Davis gonna say about it . I reckon Tony Mio I'd want to hear from. I reckon I reckon it'd be like ever Sylvin or Francisco . No, I reckon he was turning up. They were living completely different lives. Oh yeah, who was just turning up five years just almost at? Yeah. I didn't say live together. I was just saying no convers ations offstage, just straight on trick shot out. Yeah. A fair play. Yeah. In my mind, I like to think that as many more as you can, see you later. I like to think that they would have hung home together, like in Torbalandine. They know. I pity then we find out . It reminds me. I went to watch Command and Town play Barry Port twice. Okay. Yeah, and Terry Griffiths won the raffle . Won the raffle. As somebody's just singing the clubs, that's pre ordained. Right. Well, he won the raffle and he went and accepted his prize to boost from the crowd. Yeah, good. It was like we would have been five hundred grade plus you win the raffle . But it was like a yeah, it's a red ticket number one two one two one two. What's it again? Tanny? It's Tanny. It was like, oh it's me. Fuck off Tanny, Jesus Christ. Enough fucking money. We What do are it you. doing? Back in the car you type buster . Oh, there's nothing. When you go to some shitty fucking show , right? Like one of your kids shows, I'm not locking them, right? Some shitty like an assembly. When there's a raffle. Yeah. And it's brought like a bottle of three hundred ninety nine wine, right? Yeah , just hide it. Fucking right. Hydrating it. Yeah, but it's the fucking morons who say put it back in. Put it back in. Yeah, can we fucking go home? Can we not put it in? Yeah . Could you just take your wine and shut up I hosted a raffle for the PTA about a month ago they were about Why do what were you said? I was the only one who got in paid . It's true though . But I hosted a braff for the PTA and there was about a hundred parents there. And obviously I'd mixed up all the tickets . I'd been witnessed doing this , but I just kept drawing the same woman out . And she must have won her eight prizes on the trot. The thing with PTAVEN, people get ruckish. Oh yes. Yeah, really drunk you. Oh yeah, that's good. People come up to me. And like her prize was she won a bottle of wine and she won some milk tray and she wants tickets to the local cinema. And I heard a woman curl us be going like what's the fucking do with Heather ? How come she's fucking winning all the prizes all the time? What's Heather done that I haven't fucking done? School It looks like it's just ever. You're always fucking. Have you got Finger Ever? What the fuck's going on? It's just a game of chance. I try to explain. I wrote when you write in scripts, right? A lot of stuff gets torn out early doors, right? Even when I think it's hilarious. I wrote a whole bit about the sort of milk tray man like Tony Mammoth doing like a milk tray bit. Yeah. The thing is like Luke who's a producer had never heard of them all trade man. So I got to the end explain it to him. He must be in the forty, then. Yeah, he's mid thirties late thirty. Okay. So I saw him just a chocolate, wasn't it? But he'd dress up all in black and that and he would like climb into women's windows and what? Do they know him? No, I had to put a club run . Then what did he do? He just leave him chocolates and fucking j ump up again . He'd watch them for a bit . Yeah. Fishing goggles in the garden. Have you studied a milk tray any other time would just think fucking hobbles dark? Yeah, yeah. But in the end a in word, you had a fucking muff in his mouth but also there would have been a marketing like there would have been a marketing team just all sitting around coming up with ideas. Yeah, it would have been like I think it's a really good idea actually. He's completely dressed. Just watch the Iranian embassy feature Picture this, he's all in black and a bottle of cloud run, right? Yeah. He scales the window and got a jagger in his teeth. Yeah Where's this going, Dave? But he hasn't got a grenade. He's got a lot of Turkish delight. Yeah, he dives out the window into the sea again . You're right, Dave . And that becomes a long running thing. Yeah. Anyway, you're saying Man for Del Monti. Man for Del Montford Del Mont enery Fari soup, saying, yes, nice pineapples, actually. Yeah . Like then, they got. He was alright. He wasn't throwing the plantation owner bike. Yeah. Look at him. Look at how he's dressed. He's trying to keep his cost damned stepping. Do you want cheap juice or what? Cargo pineapples yeah. Fucking fair fair trade friend or that Right. Who wants to go first for the first half? What do you want? What have I got? You've got a good one. You're going first is the answer, right? Oh, yeah, it's written on my hand. I'm first. Can you read that? I'll go first wait if you don't mind. Yeah. Can you read it? Yet, can you what is it? Oh yes, this is class. Good. Right, let me set it up first because if you listen to this, we release this in a few weeks. I think it's safe to say that the footballs moved on to the nineteen seventies . This is Jon Review. If you've ever seen things like the Daniel United, you know, Don Review is the famous League manager and later England manager. This is also Colin Welland , well known actor at the time Most Bluke, professional northerner . This is, I don't know why. I don't know the reasons behind this . This is Don Revi for some reason giving Colin Welland what appears to be a full body massage. I even had the traditional Lead Soap massage from the manager. It's funny and rubber . Yeah , fish you know. Yeah, tell I you what it, might be any good at football but it's improving sex life as they . You just treat your players like bloody machines really you're just servicing them , giving them oil an change and keeping them tuned up. He's on his back . He would have signed up playing two games a week. Yeah. They're a good three fuckin' hour this morning if you know and then you get this master. Oh, no, they're done this one. No, they're done. Both showers hold. Yeah. The freshenable milk. Sake done You know ? It's hope we know this That was too far south, guys . One of the fucking weirdest things I've ever seen in my life . I gotta know more about it . Loads, Loads of patrons and listeners sent me that clip to have a look at. Then are the you said this stuff, are they said it all? It's the fact . I started watching this kind of wallet, right? And I thought, That's Don Revi, right? But Don Review is sweat and his bollocks are his hair is flopping he looks I'm not casting as versions. I don't want to be done for slander or libel. He does look for all the world like he's got a boner. Oh yeah he does like he's fucked he does does. He really . He looks like he's full, right? Yeah. Full you act ion, right? And then I could have thought it couldn't get any weirder and funnier. And then second half, well it just flips over. Yeah, and fly back in it . And then you don't see Don's hands. Just that critic Who's the fuck am I watching? A friend of mine she used to say that if she was if anyone if she was going to have gone on a date with someone, if she wanted to order whatever she would try and imagine their sex face . Oh, I know John. We all know Donald Living but now because there's the bit when there's a close up on him he's like yeah Proper round roller roll public , you could do that to the entire squad . twenty five man square. Forty five minutes. Yeah . And there's so much soap. And you want in love Lava. I've never seen LaVale. Is that a bit where, you know, Michael Shee and the Daniel United are obviously playing Brian Cliff? Yes. Famously, you know, it's very hard to get on with that team because he'd slagged them out and published stuff. There's got to be more to one them all they cheating . I think there's more to it than that . I think mentions that doesn't? Is there enough script where he goes and massaging? Yeah, but Cluffy wasn't waking him off twice a day is he? I don't think he said, I don't think Michael says that. I'm not going to be tossing you off Donnie. Man doesn't put him in the bin and I won't be waking up tonight either . It's not quite as memorable alone, isn't it? It's just there's a lot . I wanted to do this. I wanted to be able to remember the film. I would love him to be even though fucking toughy if you do give a massage and then just wanking the cap on a proper arm, right? And then after you spunk go, yeah, and fucking John never can do that either . Don't repeat you exactly that could be? So much more pressure on the top corner, isn't it? Yeah . It's freeze. It looks cemented. He does look cemented. There's a lot to unpick. It's just I've watched that clip a couple of times now and it's just the amount of salt back. It's impossible. It's how vigorous Donning . And it's weird like if you showed me a clip of Ian Bolton doing some walking or shooting grouse, right? I haven't seen that a lot, but I'm aware that that does happen in Ian Bolton's life. Yeah . Yeah. I didn't know until last Wednesday that Tom Revi ran a knocking shop But this used to happen. I've seen Paul Skulls and Nicki Button on their podcast and there's one point where Paul Skulls goes Do you remember when Sir Alex used to have massages with us? But he looks back across them and goes, yeah and it's like they're traumatized by the idea that we had to book it in on Fridays. You used to do that in rugby is that rugby thing as well. I've had, right, I've had massages . No . But it's one thing to be lying next to the manager who's also having a massage. No, it's not. What do you mean? It'd be a lot weird that if Alex Ferguson had his rank face on and he was doing the massage . I don't know whether being massaged next to Alex Ferguson is worse than Alex Ferguson. There'll be a sports massus. That would be Sam. Sports. Yeah, but I'm happy Sir Alex is there, right? I am here both trained Messuses. Yeah, that's who would have Messus. Messiah Messi. Train Mass , there's a warrior massaging me . So that's better than Alex massaging me . Me and Don Revin each other. Being massage. Yeah, that's fine. That's what I'm saying. I want someone who studied it. I don't think it's weird. It's a bit odd. The other day, mate, I was having a full . It's Wag the wedge you're looking for. Yeah, full wank . I was having a full, I thought it was a bit it was a bit wanky. It was what are you doing? You're running your honey up and down your sky and not nailing a wood. Go off, I went with Kelly and we had the thing where you pull the sort of inflatable trousers. Oh, the sort of therapy gives you the therapy. Yeah, the legs like footballers have. Yeah. And it looks like you've broken your leg and it's in a circular like a massive aircash. And I guess we're the lymph or lymph drainage. Drains your lymph, right? Okay. That was my little one of my birthday presents of Kelly. Was that? What's that? There were three people there, right? This is Wales. There was Kelly. You've done Revi? No, I wish. There was me, Kelly and, your fucking brother in law, Immrake . I think you read Erimike. Imright, yeah So funny. Yeah . That 's one thing, right? How is it due to you? The answer. Right. Strange your fucking wallet. Okay . That's good for recovery. Is it? Yeah, yeah? I've seen no there is that yeah you have to do something to recover. Yes. Yeah . Yeah, I did feel wonderful after my last Could better have given Rupian nineteen ninety seven. I'm fully recovered now . But I just said with Don it's the like I don't miss He must have thought of a background in that. No, and he must have thought it was an old rugby shirt. Yeah, he must have thought he was doing them good as well. Yeah, you must have thought it's fucking I've seen the old days remnant. Managers give players the carves a little bit of a wobble or something right . We used to have a physio where I played a little bit rugby, one year at the club. And he would give you a massage for a game. Quite nice.. Yeah That was fine. That was his job. Yeah, but one really you're a hardware store, but I'm just saying . Well, I like about it, and what I find so charming about sendies football is that it's so unscientific It would have been literally zero evidence that that was improving the form of a soap jack job soap imperial leather every day of the week guys. Yeah. Cussins yeah , cussins that would be . But it would have been a lot of imperial leather. Yeah . Get a nice lather eye then. So why is Welland there? I don't know why Welland is there. He didn't play football either. No, he's not Maybe it's just for all cover. It might have been a feature on Nation Why do? I think it just might have been anyone in the League's area. Yeah . Bookie and we're done, third play. In you come, lads, get some soap on. He's in scene colours though, and you got the old yellow rubby show. Yeah. Right. El, what's your clip for the first half? Well, join a gig tonight, tomorrow. Yeah , me and a load of boys from school having a game of fiber side. There's only five of us who are playing five lads from to other schools which brimmed them visit the rest of the world . Well, why is the rest of the world consisting of people from Camarth ? borrow our school one blow up in the botanical botanical guard yeah five side obviously very friendly but if you're playing especially eleven aside Sunday league you cannot take the piss there are two clips here . The first one is where someone takes the piss and the second one is where someone has the piss taken after them. So let's look at them both. this is the magic mirror of entering down Miles ahead of you . Miles ahead of you, he is The problem with Giles is he's very good which makes him unsackable, really fucking neck look at this guy now. Whoa and then a tale is old as time . That is a righteous hack. Yeah . A friend of mine played in the Swansea Saturday League and I remember we were talking about injuries and he said , yeah, I fucked my knee up. I said, Oh, what happened? Then he said, It was the one and only time I wore white boots Played for five minutes and then I was at Morrison Hospital, then A and E bothoth just applauding like yeah observed everything . I remember as a kid going to Sway Gardens in Carliff because the Holland Grove Trotters were on tour, right? The Holland Grove Trotters played a bit of basketball. And then I remember can , you know , I would watch other sports and people would be fantastic and do their little tricks and bits and bobs. You south American football, they come up doing the keep ups and the shoulders and stuff. Yeah. When I was in school , the worst thing you could do in any sport was show off . Yeah. You weren't allowed to show off , which meant basically don't show any skill whatsoever . Like football for me was hoofing it long. Yeah. Yeah, right and trying to score fairly direct goals and then knocking people over and throw ins. Two touches mine, two touches. Get rid of it. If someone had done like a step over or what that bloke did in school , he would have got kacked the same as you got made so you don't take it piss me. I saw a clip today actually. I was considering using it tonight. It was a lot of skin heads in Petalburt in about nineteen seventy and they've got the deal like thirty there' twos island DMs and that sort of the big like Harrington jackets and skinned and all that kind of stuff. And they're playing football, but they're not playing football. They're getting the ball, putting it down and just trying to kick it at other people's faces. Like there's no there's no game . There's no goals. It's just I'm going to try and hurt someone with a ball . Whereas the Brazilians they'd be playing on the beach and they'd be doing kicks yuppies and all that kind of stuff. Very different sport than Eva cultures. Different culture . Well, we all sort of blamed the pitchers, but it wasn't just that, it was the fact that, you know, showing off was the worst thing you could do. Yeah, your teacher would give a free kick against you. Oh, yeah, for showing off. Yeah, regularly. Oh PTR plot one of the PGs we would call Dick Play . Sorry ? Not that. That was his . I mean, if you did something , if you did something daft , right? Like a fucking dumm . Yeah, I did play , change over, get the ball the other two yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean? That's I think that was standard behavior. Yeah, yeah. So if you don't off, yeah, no n,one of them. Yeah. So where did Phil Bennett and Barry John and Jonathan Davis come from were they? Maybe that's where they misled all the time. Made it tougher stuff . Well, I used to wonder from living in where I live, why there were so few people from my part of the world flavor Wales and so many playing from one particular valley in West Wales, right? Yeah . Yeah. Yeah, it's about ten miles away, yeah. Yeah . The selectors, yeah, granted they're all from the same area. It becomes the politics It's all sob story But secondly the fuck is right there were better outside Asking Barry than Barry John But secondly maybe people in that part of Wales weren't constantly given a bolkin for trying to show off and run . Why wouldn't do it? After a start actually. My dad said when he first gave him bad at grammar school and he was playing hooker, he said he caught the ball from a kickoff and took off a on run and he got absolutely bothered by his by his games master. He said Bubbers, what are you doing? It's your job was to run with the ball. He said your job was to turn around a set of mall and let the backs play with the ball. So you weren't allowed to run . The Falls weren't allowed to run with a ball. That's so funny. Yeah. I just see Dad tomorrow. I've to ask him if he was allowed to show any kind of flare. 'Cause he went to same school as Barry John and Jonathan Davis, so it'd be in the same teacher. My favorite one of my I don't blow my own trumpet very often, right? You get ten rod e to do it for you One of my only clips because there were no phones obviously growing up, right? I mentioned this in the pod once. We played a cup final at Jana Park in Barry under sixteen. So like fifteen, six years of age. And the other team had paid a hundred pounds , which is a lot of money then for a video like a video of the game. So like a big eighties video , probably . And then we ended up winning. We were big underdog, who beaten forward to. So they didn't want the tapes. So we bought the tapes, then, right? Okay, I got a tape in the other side, but it's naked. I need to try and get one of our mates to be the cleaner He listens to the podcast. Dr. Paul Wallercott, good footballer, right? It's quite silky. It's fucking great because he's he's right in front of me there, but the camera's like there and Paul's there and the touchsline's sort of there. And he completely turned me inside out. There's like a weird step over Croat Turner and he's saying what the fuck is he going? Right? And he was going that way. I thought, fuck that. So I kicked him in the knee, right? Yeah . And he went up in the air and landed on his shoulder, proper like one hundred and eighteen like that, right? And then I got up and trotted back like I hadn't done anything. So here's the eighties. And thereafter word, please number five. So it chopped over there and he said don't do that again. And then Paul got up off the floor. And I remember his manager going, Well, battle, Paul. Battle Battle just fell over. What's he doing? Battling. I've watched But he was showing off. Because you made me watch that video Fuck off, I did not. Have you? I've been around your house and I've watched it. Have you? Yeah, yeah. There's a great pit when Senator's past you and you just kicked him up the arse little sharp then stop showing off. So he's come to your house. Yeah. It looked just a football video . How far into the day are you cracking out the sixteen year old cup final video for your friend to watch? We've gone round. It does sound tragic. It has gone round , ostensibly, I think, to do some writing. That makes more sense. We'd gone round. I think we were probably both doing Edinburgh. We were going to help each other with our Edinburgh shows. Yeah. After half an hour went a couple of cups of tea, you realized that was a grapper. Mike said you want to watch theed nineteen eighty eight Barley district and the sixteenth you find . And I said, Do I Watch the whole night . Good game, it's a good game there . Jennifer Park has changed. Yeah, doesn't it? Yeah, we should have what we should have done. We would have been more fun. We should have liked the Monday night football treatment of it. Ooh, let's see Carrieger and Gary Neville. Right. He's had the idea. Yeah. Yes. Let's do it. Oh, we do that. Look at its shape. Let's find someone who can clean that up. Yeah. Commentary on it. Yeah. That'd be hilarious. If you commentate on that bit in particular, let's do that. Yeah, yeah. That'd be fun. Yeah, yeah. Little talking about asymmetrical overloads and being kicked up the arse with crap kids football . Mighty Saint David's. Yeah, no such team anymore. They come. You've also got a heck. We used to round here we would refer to itred as a tumble cut . Right? Because only kids from Tumble had it. Yeah. But it's like a proper rough kid hecker. Oh , how would you describe it apart from the tumble? Number one, well yeah, well the classic tumble cut by the nineties was a crew cut and then like a four inch bleach blonde fringe . All the kids in like Tumble and Cross Answer . It's fucking bad luck, Maria but you've got the sort of eighties version. You look a bit like Biff in Back to the Future . I do . Where it's like a film looks like a fade, and then it's spicy. So number one on the sides in the back. Yeah. It's a crew cut with enough of the front to just curt and give it a little quick. Yeah, yeah. Very short shorts. Yes, satin. Extremely short . Saturn short space. All your teammates have the same ones on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do a little short shirt. Because I was a big lad. So with the Fort Rose , what? No, but I wasn't fat then . No, you look good in those ear inly eighteen eighty . You look good in the eighties , but I looked old. You look up on thirty nine, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, you look like St. David's and the sixteenths haven't got enough boys . I was a dad's fracking dads has got to honey boys out play you look a good twenty five years older than your teammate. Big five o'clock shot. I mean , we were winning the cup like all the other lads looked like fifteen six year old boys who won a cup. Yeah, you look proper happy and chuff. Yeah, you look like you've been made I did okay you just I don't know when you looked young. You looked young when you were a baby. I've seen photos of you as a baby. Yeah, you look young when you were a baby. And you look and I've seen photos of you when you're about maybe my son's about six or seven and you look like a child. Okay. And then it's from that thirty nine year old man who's lost his job at Lanware and Steelwork . But there's nothing in potential . Puberty must have taken you about an hour . Well I said, I started shaving at eleven years old . That's not fluffable. Almost every one. Oh my god . Oh , I started shaving at eleven. Yeah. Well, the farmers were like that in school, but yeah, they were all around infected feed. Sos I think it was having an odds. It was having a strange effect . They all they all had BSE, I think. But big beards . Big old beards . Right, my client for this half is take us safely into the interval, lovely, with teachers being a little bit too competitive for their students or teachers doing what they should do with their students. Go . So American high school on the yard . That man is running far too fast five year old kids to catch him up . The problem is as an adult, if you're not used to sprinting , it's very likely that you will just fall over . And at that speed he's gonna really hurt himself in front of a class of your ones. Yeah . But need to achieve. Yeah , you know what I mean? Did you? I was telling Nizzillus other the day and she didn't believe me. Go on. Did you play a teacher's versus pigbill's game of football? Yeah . And did you? Yeah . You did, didn't you? Well, broke a kid's leg? Wow . Wow I saw Lizzy that the other day . And she said that can't be true. And I said, yeah, it does sound bit f faretched. Yeah, Mr. Me. I tell you what he's a lovely guy probably forty now. He's named Matt Myers. Walter Limp. Matt Myers Ice hockey player. I don't think so. Okay, good for Matt. You know, wheelchair Matt ress. Pop along mat. Chair hockey, place. Yeah . So it was I've been teaching in the school for about when is sport relief? What time of the year is it? I don't know if it is in the season . Is it March? So I've been to the school for six months. Right. I started September . We have sport relief in the spring time wherever sport relief is on. Okay, so we had a staff versus kids six aside in the sports hall in a most big basketball sports hall and Matt Miser's fucking showing off . We've linked the two clips . So I give him a hell of a fucking It was out of order. It was out of order . So what? He's got the ball he's doing like keep you up. Well he's just running down the ball. He was better than you . He wasn't better than me. He was better than you were football. He went past me. If I'm not having that on my watch . Your watch being games less . So this was I think it was during lunchtime. We raised money Brook, of course . Yeah, but kids who got injured playing sport that I gave him a nasty, it was a nasty tackle. I shouldn't have done it. Went over the top and broke his leg . Oh my god . And my head apartment Shaw, who's a fucking lovely blood with stallmate. You went off now. Right to me, right? Yeah . I didn't think you say to Matt Matt can't get Matt's in pain. It would have been a great injustice if Matt had been red calmed if he gets very normal showing off at that point. I think it's off. Well, I was twenty seven. I was fine now. Sorry . Silly me. So yeah, broke his leg. And then he was in school the next day on proper crutches like in his leg in a castle. Yeah, and I fell awful. He was a freaking lovely kid and a good rugby player and a good footballer. Yeah, and some prick when I broke his leg . How does that then play out then so badly? Head of department I'm thinking at least a deputy head's gonna get involved if not a head and the entire board of governors in the county. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We had a lovely head teacher called Mr. Mason. Yeah. You know, Matt was Matt could have been a prick about it . I think Matt's learned his lesson, Mike. I don't think Matt is going to be a prick about it in case you kill him. I had a Matt on a we all went on I took on a tour to Italy at the end of that year . It's a bloody good bloke. So yeah, I should have done it. But it wasn't like I said, I thought I was broken your eleventh leg today. It didn't happen like that. No, no, no, no, spoon. No, I broke your seventh leg . I did break his leg . More leg manslaughter than leg murder . Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But you know what? Carmer I was filming a thing , ten years ago and I had to go to my old school to film a little thing. The concept was I was running with the rugby boat, bashing kids over , right? But they didn't on the joke it was fine. Oh yeah, that's different. And then I do a dive in try at the end of it right by the camera, but it was summertim e. So as I dive, the ball didn't go anywhere. The ball just stuck . And I hit my shoulder hit the floor, I broke my collarbone in front of like a bunch of nine kids. So I like to think that, you know , anyway, you cause both those things to happen. Yeah . And that's how Karma works. I'm sure Hopalong Matt finds out a tremendous comfort. He here, he's young. I broke my leg when I was his age. I didn't fucking win aboutch it . Right . Shall we have a little interval? Would you guys like to go for another drink? Drink . Good. You guys go for a drink. Mike's going to go for a pizza. I'm gonna have some as well. Lovely. We will be back in about fifteen. No bucks. Two minutes