Setting Boundaries and Playing the Game

Father's Day is coming up and I could have be more excited, but we also know that Father's Day is one of those hard holidays to shop for the fathers in your lives because you know, What do you get them? What do you get them? You know? you always ask dad. it's like, o I don't want anything. Well, give the gift of love and amazing memories not only for the fathers in your life, but for the whole family with Storyworth. I got my dad a Storyworth gift a couple years back and we're still talking about that gift even today. Storyworth is a personalized storytelling gift service that helps families capture and preserve stories by sending weekly prompts and turning them into hardcover books. Here's how it works. each week Storyworth sends a question about his life. He can respond however he wants, email, voice recording, even a phone guided call, no apps, no logins. it's super tech Easy, no tech nightmares. It's designed so he can focus on storytelling, not figuring out technology. At the end of the year, all of the stories are compiled into a hard cover book withith his words, his photos and his life. So it's so fun to go back and like relive everything that they've been through Well, our family is popping up more and more grandkids and it's something that over the holidays, we crack open at Storyworth book and we share some stories about our parents' childhoods. It's always nostalgic. Everyone in your family will absolutely love it. This year, give Dad a gift that captures who he really is before the stories get harder to remember. Father's Day is Sunday, june twenty first, order right now and save up to twenty dollars at storyworth.ot com slash vi L. save up to twenty dollars at storyworth dot com slash viL storyworth dot com d sllash B A L Life gets busy, especially when you are juggling just everything in life, kids, dog, job life itself And that is where Instacart comes in and saves you so much time. Instacart connects you to thousands of stores across the country, making it easy to shop from your favorite retailers all in one place. You can communicate directly with your shopper to help ensure you're getting exactly what you need, whether it's ripe avocados for tonight or fresh produce for the week, quQality matters with delivery available And as fast as thirty minutes, Instakart helps you get groceries and household essentials on your schedued diapers has been like a number one thing we Instakart because it's always like, oh gosh, there's one diaper left Quick hurry,place the order. It gives you the peace of mind that every parent wants with their family. Also, you can discover really tasty things. like for example, as you know, I am obsessively trying to reduce my sugar intake, especially when it comes to the drinks that I have. I have always loved a good I te But the problem with iced teas is they're filled with sugar. but because of Instacart, you can find great products like it's called Half day. It's like a probiotic iced tea in a can with like three grams of sugar. It's delicious. And I only would have discovered it because of Instacart. Instacart brings convenience, quality andies right to your door so you can focus on what matters most. downownload Instacart app now and get groceries just how you like What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another episode of As NC. I think we've done one of these intros in a while. Have we just like we just go into the calls now we just play the music and get in the calls. so this is like different, you know, especially if you've just started listen to As Nic anyime recently. We've talked more about incorporating some intros. Maybe some people might be goinging, o I like just the calls, but There's been some thought about You know, shorter keeping it focused. Maybe there's things we can learn. mayaybe Maybe there's themes I don't know. Let let us know in the chat Is it in the comments? Let us know in the comments. Anyways, but we're here to let you guys know, mayaybe we've already seen it, but I launched a substack And I think especially you ask Nick listeners will really enjoy the subseack. If you listen ask, Nick, obviously, you are listening to either hearing people's stories, their relationship problems, their challenges, someome of you might listen to hear my thoughts and feelings or advice that I give. I hope some of you have at least found it what useful and beneficial. But I've spent a lot of time with the podcast, obviously thinking about what we wanted to talk about, conceptualizing it, you know, when I get done with like callers You know, sometimes their stories will remind me of ideas or relationships through the advice I give them and And someone is often just like in my head. Lately, I've been kind of jotting douts and putting collecting my thoughts. and like sometimes I'll like come on the show, especially if you listen to Re I Recap and I'll be thinking about, watch Summer House Re reunion and I'll be like, oh, well yeah this way me think of this. and then we come in and And then we have a full household and we have a guest and depending on the day or vibe, you know, like sometimes it just like, you know, I always sometimes I'm left with like, you know what? I could have been more nuanced there. Anyways, I have found that like with Substack, it's a different medium. It's a different way to communicate to you guys, the audience. And I think it's going to be a space where I'll probably like, you know, probably be a little more vulnerable. I think that's the hope to be a little bit more vulnerable I think I've been thinking a lot obviously as a father who's about to be a father of three girls under three, but I think Now, you know, it's interesting. you know, if you I don't know how long you guys have been listening. I'm sure it var some of you've been listening since I've been starting this podcast when when I was a single guy. And I think the themes of like, obviously the advice I give through As Nic has been generally consistent, but I'm sure if you go back and look back, I think obviously that varies and changes as my life has changed. And obviously now I'm really entering fatherhood. And I think now it's like now when I think about these dating concepts, now when I get callers, you know, it's always like What if my daughter or when my daughters are in these positions and things like that? And I think I was just playing around with an essay you know, obviously listening and watching the summer House reunion, it made me think about like, man, if, you know What happens with my daughters? When my daughters find themselves in this situation? And by situation that Sierra finds herself in, I mean, just like mostly focused and around like being emotionally invested and stuck on someone West who doesn't really like see her worth and doesn't, you know, treat her like, you know, the person that she is and and how that You know, really gets us stuck. I kind of thought about it in those terms and wrote I wrote something and then it made me think maybe I'll start a substject Here we are I really think you guys will enjoy it, especially you guys listen to As Nick. I really hope that you do. I hope that you get to know me in a different way. Even if you are a critic of mine, I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it. I probably will open up and explain myself more on sububstack, which I know some of you actuallyough to see that from me. If you' interested in signing up, just go to the show description. However you are listening to this episode. The show description has a link to the substack. Just go right there. cheheck it out. I think you'll really enjoy it. It's been a lot of fun working on this stuff and We'll put out some essays every week and maybe do some relationship NA if we can I hope you're here for the Sessayss. Anyways, we have some great calls lined up for you. And I hope they're excited to listen to them because here they are. How's it going? Ging well, My name is Mary. I am thirty nine years old and I am asking for advice on how to navigate my divorce. All right, tell me about it. We've been married for about Four and a half years. we have two young children. Uh things We're pretty bad in our marriage for a while. We had a really rough first year of marriage due to nobody's fault. but then after having our first child, he just kind of disengaged. During that time, I found cruel text messages about me to his family and friends while I was pregnant with our second child. We were in therapy, we were working through it. What were those cruel messages out of curious Well, essentially, he was upset that I wasn't going to a family friends wedding. I was very sick as well as our at that time one year old son and I didn't feel that it was smart for me and him to get on a plane to fly to a wedding that we would just be stuck in a hotel room for. I told my husband, you should go to this wedding, one hundred percent. He went to the wedding I looked through messages on his Apple Watch that he had happened to leave at home. and I found all sorts of messages between him and his family and friends saying that he felt that I was just trying to make up excuses to not go to the wedding, sending screenshots of the fact that I had door dashed medication for me and my son to our house and that I had also like door dashed breakfast to myself the morning he left saying that, you know, my spending' out of control and that He doesn't understand what my issues with him are because he lets me do whatever I want And then he also is saying to his friends that maybe he'll just hit up a strip club while he's in while he was in Chicago for the wedding and also saying things like, Wifey's gonna hate me even more after baby number two. I was currently pregnant at that time. Just really horrible awful things. I'm literally like super sick with our son taking care of him so he can go to the wedding and pregnant. and he is just raking me over the coals when I had felt that A lot of these issues, I wasn't even aware of them. He hadn't even talked to me about any of them So I obviously felt really terrible and horrible and realized that I couldn't So you knew about the clubs before you got divorced I did not. I just thought this was an offhanded comment that he had made just kind of being angry like, oh, maybe I'll just hit up a strip club while I'm in Chicago. I just thought he was kind of You didn't really't No, I didn't. I swear, I had no idea. Did you address these messages? I did. yes. I decided that I couldn't pretend that I hadn't seen them. So I wrote him a long email And I copied our therapist on it. and essentially said, Hey,, I recognize I broke your trust. I went through your emails, I saw all of this information. I knew that he would be angry about this and that he would make it about the fact that I look through his messages and not the actual issue. And I said, please try and keep these things separate, which of course didn't happen. He tried to make it all about the fact that I broke his trust and looked at the messages on his Apple watchatch. Where'd your therapist Well our therapist and our therapy session, she asked him, Hey, what did you get from this email that she sent? And he said that she wants me to help out more at home And my therapist kind of looked at him and said, that's all you got. So he Again, just made it all about the fact that I broke his trust. He said, hey, people say things when they're mad. I was frustrated, I was angry. Okay, so that was his excuse. That was his excuse. Yeah Things were really terrible. I had actually said, Hey, I'll have the second baby myself. I'll do it myself. I feel like you don't have much of an interest in being a father at this point. I have a great group of people around me. I'll walk away. I'm not forcing you to do anything. If you don't want to be a family man anymore, that's your prerogative, but I deserve to know. He suddenly changed overnight We didn't actually like talk about things or work on things. He just changed overnight. Changed in a good way or bad way. In a good way. in a good way, literally overnight. I tried to basically not look at a gift horse in the mouth, be like, okay, well, he changed, but there wasn't actually any work that bin He justains. What do you mean work Like we didn't talk. It was one day we had a horrible therapy session and then the next weekend, he was suddenly justing We did stop going to therapy because his behavior changed and then our daughter was born and things were very crazy and busy U And I again just kind of was like, all right, well things are good. Hopefully maybe he just realized he was wrong and didn't want to admit he was wrong And so maybe things will be good from here on out. Yeah And I had even told my therapist, I was like, you know, I'm a little concerned. If he can change that quickly for the good overnight, he can change back. hoping that that didn't happen But unfortunately it did. I went back to work after maternity leave and my bosses said some pretty like discriminatory things to me and so I U Suddenly saying things like you have to decide if you want to be a career woman. We have concerns about your availability. If your kids come into your office while you're working, you should tell the nanny that she's fired, things like that I was feeling very disillusioned and felt that You know, leaving the job was probably the best thing. And I even told my husband, this is our decision. It's not just my decision. The day that I was going to quit my job, he seemed super moody. And I even like messaged him that morning like, hey, is everything okay? Is this about me quitting my job? You know, it's our decision, not just my decision. He was like, everythingverything's fine. I just didn't sleep well you know, we can talk later. And I said, o, well, you know, I'm quitting my job today. So if it's about that, could you let me know? And he didn't say anything So I quit my job. My bosses were blindsided. so they said, Hey, why don't you sleep on it? Let us think about it, too don't Don't tell anyone yet, basically just let us digest this So that workday ended and literally he sent me an email at the end of the workday telling me that he felt that he was not part of the decision. Why are you guys emailing each other Because we do not have good we did not have good communication in person Okay And so was yeah, it was the best way for us to communicate in a way that we got our thoughts on the page without being interrupted, without being misconstrued, giving time to think about things. That's kind of what guys actually reading the whole emails? I mean, I was I was to be clear, we didn't typically email each other. This was like the second occasion. There was that huge one where I looked at his messages and I emailed him about that to put our therapist on it. And then there was this instin. So anyway, he emails you and's like, yo, I don't feel like it's a part of this decision. Yeah, I feel like I wasn' part of this decision. I'm not mad, I'm disappointed. I'm proud of you for standing up to your bosses, but basically, like you will make sure your credit card is paid off by the time like you leave your job. All of your expenses will be run through a debit card hooked up to like your account, just really demeaning. I felt like he was acting like my father about expenses, essentially. So I was kind of blindsided and just like, okay, so here we are again. you know, the carpet ripped out from underneath my feet. I emailed him back and just was like, hey This is crazy. We literally talked about this. I don't understand how You felt like you weren't part of the decision. He didn't answer me and literally the next day, I was just like, okay I feel like my marriage is probably almost over. I canntot have a job now. Like I need a job. I need to make sure I have an income for me for the kids So the next day I basically told my bossays, neverevermind, that was last April. And then I told him are you're still at the same place? I am Yeah How of things work out with em They weren't expecting me to have quit. And so the fact that I did and then I kind of opened up to them about what was going on and why I had to take my job back and suddenly they were they changed their tune and were super supportive. Wonderful and great. and for me going through a potential divorce, I was like, I don't If they'll just like leave me alone for a while while I deal with like the transition and everything going on in my emotional life, I would like to stay somewhere that I've been for many years that I know I'm good at this job, that I'm stable in this job. So I kind of just let it go for as long as they would leave me alone. When my husband and I finally talked, you know, I said, why would I have quit my job If I felt you weren't supportive of me. I gain nothing in this situation. I quit my job. I look like a flake You know, I took my job back. Our marriage is now like Again, I lost credibility at work, I embarrassed myself. likeike why why would I have done this? Why would I have if I just wanted to quit my job and not care what you thought, I wouldn't have taken it back. What do you say? Essentially it was like he looked up therapy speak and everything was like, I'm sorry, you feel that way. I just don't feel like I was part of the decision. Ielt like was talking to a robot. So we get a new therapist And even she essentially said the same thing to him, Hey, don't you think that if you were feeling iffy about her quitting your job that you could have just communicated that to her even that morning when she asked you And it He was essentially acting as judge jury and executioner by saying, well, I knew if I told her I didn't want her to quit that she was going to say this or she was going to say that, and I didn't want to deal with it. And her emotions would be this. And I said, Well, you never gave me the opportunity to react. How do you know what I was going to do I mean, you just you got your job. I mean, you didn't even end up quitting. Exactly, exactly. And so my whole thing was I can't trust you because you're not supportive. I was also going through a super tough time with quitting my job with what they said to me. and now you made it worse I'm kind of out here by myself on this island trying to navigate all of this, while you're still telling me that I'm in the wrong. And I'm just saying, couldould you have communicated with me if you had told me that you were feeling iffy about me quitting my job I would have been happy to put it on ice for a little bit. You know, Nobody is excited to just have that conversation with people they've worked with for twelve years. But I said, there's no way for me to prove that because you didn't give me that opportunity. But again, just look at the evidence. Why would I aolog this mean any point He wasn't acknowledging it at all. He was essentially just saying, basically, did you not think about how this would impact our future and the money you're putting into a four hundred one K. And he acted like if I quit my job, that it would be this huge financial blow to our family. But I tried to be respectful of that. And I said, that's why I tryed to have a conversation with you that for your opportunity to I can't read your mind. this is your opportunity to talk to me about that so we could talk it and you didn't do that. So he essentially had just like this one sided conversation in his head. So that's, I mean, is that ultimately what started the divorce So that was in the summer, and then our therapist basically told us that we were too much for her and kind of dropped us, recommended A couple other therapists. You both got fired by your therapist? We got We got fired by our therapist in the nicest way possible. She was just like, I just, you know, I think that You need somebody with more specialization essentially Before we started recording, you You told me you thought your ex husband's a narcissist I do. What do you feel like you could have done any different Where did you go wrong Honestly, I felt that I was very communicative with him I'm just like getting fired by a therapist. Oh, it was because well, he told our therapist that he thought she was siding with me. because she had told him like, Hey, don't you think you could have just had a conversation with your wife about this? And maybe things could have gone differently. And he finally was like, Yo, yeah, I guess I could have We just weren't going anywhere. It was we were spinning. She seemed kind of green as well. Okay, so like let's fast forward to the divorce. Yes. And how con I to your original question, what do you need help navigating? Is it regards So yeah, obbviously therapy intensive didn't work either. All of a sudden one day he said this isn't going to work out. I just don't think we're going to work. So it was just Again, kind of pulling the carpet out from underneath my feet. I was just like Okay. And so we had the session with our therapist who was like Hey, maybe You guys just started this work with me, like maybe you should give it a little bit more time. At one point he closed his eyes to the point that the therapist was like, Hey, it seems like you're kind of checking out. He was just shut down, totally shut down. Okay. And I told him, hey, I'm willing to keep working on this, but if this is what you want, like you can't unring the bell. Why were you willing to keep working on it For the kids, I just couldn't even really I didn't want to think about a life where I had to go even one day without seeing my kids. If we could work it out, I wanted to when I was hoping to remet the man that I initially married. I thought that maybe he was in there somewhere. That makes sense. All right, so like what about the divorce has been difficult for you to I mean, obviously, divorce is diffic Um What are you having a hard time navigating Once I knew for sure this is where we were going, I actually felt a huge sense of relief. But then through the divorce proceedings, we obtained his financial statements and found that since last March, even prior to me quitting my job, before things had really gotten bad, he had been visiting a strip club. sometometimes dropping as much as thirty thousand dollars in a twenty four hour period my again. which I actually, I was in denial about it. I didn't think that this could possibly be true because of everything felt in our marriage that he could potentially do. I said Cheating on me in any way is something he would never do. He would never do that. He would never ever do that. I just didn't even think that that was a possibility And then I went through all the charges and I also found charges for lingerie, which was returned two days later, but still it was there. And also a couple of flowerers. in return lingerie? Yes. Yep Soight It' weird. It was like an online ye, it was an online thing because once I saw the Strip club charges, I went through the statements myself. and if I saw a charge, I didn't recognize I Googled what it was for And that's how I found it. And then there were also some flower purchases that didn't line up with like birthdays, anniversaries, death in the family. and they all came like a couple of days after a strip club visit So I don't know if he was seending flowers or a stripper? That's all I can assume. I don't know But it was weird And so realizing that he was on my case acting like Like he spent basically more than I make in a year on strippers in a year and He shamed me for quitting my job, acting like that that would put us in this like financial hole. So I found out more about his character after we were already going through the divorce. So it's like, okay, not that I needed more confirmation that this is the right thing, but Wow, I had no idea this was going on. and I looked at all the dates of the strip club visits and I was able to confirm that they were all during times. he said he was golfing or he was staying at the the airport hotel the night before a work trip because he had an early flight the next morning. Turns out he was at the Strip Club. So he had just been lying to me about this for at least the past year, probably before So I'm struggling with the fact that I didn't even clock it, that I trruly, truly thought that he would never do this to me. and I always have prided myself on having a very good read on people and even him. You' like I can I'm not a psychic, but I feel like there are many instances where I could almost predict how he would react to something, what he would say, what he would do And I was always right And I always just had a really good radar for people. It just makes me so nervous now for the future when I try to date to not be jaded Now that I see what can happen to let somebody in your life and they can just like wreak havoc like that, it makes me want to be alone forever, but I also don't want to be alone forever. So I'm really nervous about How do How can I just trust my instincts again And then like I said, the second part was telling his family. why do you think you should tell this family Because I have to still interact with them because of our kids. and I'm pretty sure he probably told them a bunch of lies about me, which are untrue. And so I know that's my ego talking, but is this so you still interact with this family I have to How do they treat you retty neutrally at this point. Okay Are you comfortable with how they treat you At this point, but I feel like there are other people, I guess family and friends because there are other people that used to be in my life because they were part of that, I guess social circle that don't really like reach out to me anymore And I know that that's going to happen in a divorce, but Yeah, and do you care? Do are these people? I do because you want to be one. Some of them were friends. Some of them were friends I made because they had kids, so they were kind of mom friends And I can reach out to them and be friends with them. Well, so I got a new phone number, for example, and I reached out to some of them to say, this is my new phone number. and like they didn't even reply to me. And So I'm worried that he told them false things about me to smear my character essentially. and Thats that doesn't sit well with me, especially when he's the one who was out there essentially at the bare minimum, emotionally cheating on me with a strip club, but also probably physically cheating on me as all the while berating me about So what what do you what what what what are your what's your goal moving forward? My goal is to ideally try to preserve some of these friendships that I once had and also wanting to feel like I have respect from his family. Just because I have I think he probably told them that I'm bad with money or something like that. And that's why we're only two goals? Well, I'm also trying to figure out then in the future with dating. You know, how What about just like generally being happy? Is that a goal Well, I feel I am happy. That's part of it. I'm happy now that I'm not with him anymore. But I don't want to isolate myself for the future and just not put myself out there again at the risk of somebody coming in and ruining that Certainly No one wants false rumors being spread around about them. but one, you don't even know What if any actual false rumors are being spread about There is that U You may not be wrong that he is lying But if he's a liar and if he's already spreading false rumors about you now, What do you think he's going to do when you retaliate? Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? You know, I would ask yourself that question And I would ask yourself How is this going to make me happier? I don't know. being right often doesn't make us happier U I understand you want to be civil with your in laws and things like that You're never going to get them to take your side And you're never going to get them to like have them like you more than him and you're never going to get them to You know, tell you things like, oh, he made such a mistake. It's most likely not going to happen Um So what are you going to get out of telling them this stuff about him You know, is kind of the how are you helping yourself? How are you protecting your peace? I would slow down and answer those questions and make sure you have a clear answer before you do that. Otherwise, it's just going to be more drama And drama is entertaining U and it's going to keep you invested, but I don't know what where you get out of that. you do have two kids together More than anything, I imagine you want to preserve the relationship your kids have with both of you Yes Um I think that's part of it, I guess, is because things are just so formal with his family and knowing that I'm going to be interacting with them on a daily basis. I was hoping to be able to have more of a real relationship rather than a your relationship starting over with these people and I feel like you're going have a best chance of having the relationship you want by just being Ey to be around, being kind being messy. It's going to be difficult for them to be around you if you are constantly trying to get them to take your side I understand. That makes sense. What about the friendships that I feel are kind of falling through the cracks to be seen. I would the same advice, like certainly, you're probably gonna lose some friends. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? And I guess at the end the day, you don't want to be friends with people who don't w want to be friends with you. You might have to be comfortable with the unknown for a period of time, but for the people you want to maintain friendships with, maybe you have to make keepe making an effort and see what happens if one of them does happen to reach out and they end up asking like, hey, what happened with you guys? Should I even tell them what I found out? No No Well I would what's? What's going to happen, do you think? I think maybe partially I feel like it's it's hard to have a conversation where I feel like I'm being authentic when somebody is saying what went wrong in your marriage, Why are you guys Uh sentially having to communicate through a parenting app instead of via text message. Why that's thoseose parenting apps exist for the same reason that they you know Divorce is messy and hard and People take sides. Again, listen I guess my point is it sounds like the real friends that you have who are your friends and they were your friends already and they're still your friends You have confided in them, you have told them You've opened up to them, you've been heard. The people who you're debating whether you should tell what I'm hearing is like it's kind of like that you know they're like They're kind of his friends and your friend you've been friends with them And what if forver reason you haven't told them yet I would listen to that voice inside because again, like I don't think these are people who are these types of friends. And I think you're justify, you know, like authenticity is the excuse. What you really want is his friends to realize how much of a piece of shit you think he is. That's it. You want them to take your side You want to be right. You want to be righteous and you don't want to be thought of as bad or worse or whatever and you understand that your ex husband's probably a bit of a liar and you're assuming he's telling his side of the story And you don't like the idea that people who you were friendly with and friends with might have a different opinion of you That's true But I feel like he's also been implying certain things. like our neighborhood that I have since moved out there was a group chat that he has with all the guys. and one of my good friends her's husband is on the group chat and he sent out a message basically saying to pray for our children. Which makes it seem like what did he say? We're getting a divorce. We've been growing apart.retty sure she's out there smearing my name to everybody. Don't believe everything that you hear pray for our children making it seem like I'm being really shitty too our kids are creating? Well, no, I mean, like I think Just from the story you told me That tax makes sense Really agree with him. I'm just saying from his perspective I'm not thinking I can't how You know, like when you're, when you told me the story about the email, I'm having a hard time understanding belieelving your version of the story that like why didn't he just tell you not to quit the job of thing right? It doesn't make sense. I don't I can't my brain around like H his reason I don't know can wrap my brain around him sending a group text to his buddies trying to get ahead of The fact that like I mean by the way, you want to talk shit about them I want to tell the truth. Whatever, it's still talking shit. Okay So you think I just need to take the high road, say, we grew apart, things didn't work out. Why does everyone need to know Not everybody needs to know, but people that I interact with on a regular basis. I guess, it's hard for me to like keep this huge thing that I just think you're gonna get Further Being the person you want people to think you are donon't think you're going to win in a game of Both of you throwing fucking missiles at each other and assassinating each other's character. Um don't think you're going to win He neither of you might win But I don't like, I just don't think you're going to win People are gonna take sides. Through our marriage, I just my mouth shut about so much for so long and now that like He's out there and I know he has to be saying stuff it's just so hard to continue to just take it at what point should do I stand up for myself? If someone comes to you and says, I heard this about you And you're like, what did you hear And then they say, a lie, stand up for yourself. This isn't standing up for yourself. This is you making a bunch of assumptions and trying to get ahead of it. What I'm hearing from you is you want people to hear the truth about who your husband really is I do. Yes. Not standing up for yourself Standing up for yourself is leaving a toxic relationship that you know isn't serving you Standing up for yourself is just getting back on your you know, yeah, like defending your character when your character iss being attacked, but it's not assuming your character is being attacked and and getting ahead of it. and assassinating your husband's character in case he assassinates yours. That's not standing up for yourself, I don't think I guess given the stuff that he said about me in the past, that what stuff? Like in those messages to his family and friends about He thinks you're painting in the ass. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? That's people think about their exes. just like wasn't my ex then?ike you were it together. Yeah, but like you got divorced Yeah. so now I feel like It's not a her line of draw that he's probably saying even more stuff about me now. Maybe, but like do you want to spend all your energy hunting down the people he might be talking shit to. And trying to change their minds not only about you, but about him How is that going to make you happier and how is that going to help you move on And how is that going to help you find what you're looking for in relationships? I don't how is that going, you know It's not. E right. And the people you wna be friends with, like do you want to convince people to be friends with you? Like are people gonna be friends with you because they believe your story over his Most likely, they're just going to think you're both kind of messy and crazy. That's true. I guess I was afraid that he was telling that he would be telling stories about me that make people question my character and then just decide to disengage. didn't sit right with me. I don't know what he could be telling you But like I think he's telling everybody that I went and spent all of his money and was irresponsible and lied to him about it because that's the story he kept telling me, which was totally untrue. When in return, he's actually spending more money In a night And in a year then I make it year. Well listen, if someone comes to you with that accusation, tell them the truth Okay, But until that happens I wouldn't. And I think the thing that's gonna get your husband to talk shit about you is to him find out that you are telling your truth I have been taking the high road this entire time and I guess I'm just getting really, really tired of having to take the high road. Why do you need to keep taking the hy road with him Can't she just move on Well, I think there's a frustration that I feel like he just kind of got off Scott free that's again, that's That's the part you need to Like I didn't even get to have a direct conversation with him about the fact that he essentially was cheating on me for a year, at least emotionally. Like when we talked about it in our divorce, like sitting with our attorneys, like they totally just brushed it aside like it didn't matter, which I expected. But it's just really hard seeing that he did this and like not even getting to kind of have my say with him about it. What do you want to say to him just how betrayed and how deceived I feel and that he Our entire marriage crumbled. because he based all of his problems with me on money ' that's all he had. He wanted to keep me as low as I could about money so that I didn't look too hard at him, only to find out that he was actually spending way more than that. on strippers. Okay, let's say called in You have a chance to say this to him. what are you going How are you expecting him to respond? I guess it's not even about an expectation of how he would respond. It's more about me knowing that I got to have like my words hit the air with him that he knows Why will that make you feel different because I think it lets me get on the record stating like, I'm not the one who wrecked this marriage. Like I didn't ruin this marriage. you ruin this marriage. And what will that do for you I think it would just make me feel like I that like I stood up for myself. likeike I got the opportunity to say, hey I know everything that you were doing. You don't think you've stood up for yourself with him I guess I have the I get the impression you're pretty good at standing up for yourself think I feel that because every time I would stand up for myself to him, whether it be in therapy or in a conversation with him, everything was always turned around on me. That's not the same as St standing up for yourself I guess it makes sense that if he didn't listen to me then he wouldn't listen to me now. It's just I me. I Sense and I say this with love You like to be right and need to be right. That's true. And you confuse standing up for yourself with people agreeing with you. I think that's an accurate inference to make. And while your ex husband might be piece of shit and a liar, maybe even a narcissist. I don't think you're doing yourself any good by calling him a narcissist He's probably just more more accurately Someone of with lower character than you realized Not everyone with low character is a narcissist. I understand that. And it really makes no difference whether he is or isn'. No, it doesn't. Y reasons that you're giving me to try to get me to almost agree to do the thing that you want to do And like by all means, do what you wantna do. You're not being honest with yourself about your intentions and your motives You know And if you want to Be right I mean, like, you know, if you've len to the show, you've heard me say, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy Yeah like this is the definition of I think this is saying you should you should buy the merch. And I am someone who likes to be right You know, So it takes one to no one but like I think you will, you know, right now, you're going through a difficult time and it's probably feeling chaotic and you're, you know, well I I'm glad you're I'm sure you're happy being out of this relationship. I don't think you're as is you let on. I think you're happy, you're not with him But I think you are and rightfully I mean, you know, you're going through a lot right now. It's very dramatic and you're in this transitional period and it's I'm sure scary. and you know, you have your friends, but you are, you know, you're not sure how what people think and feel about you and that bothers you, you know, because for someone who really likes to be right, the idea of people Hving the wrong impression of you is like has got to be the worst. You know, being right right now, I don't see a lot of scenarios when it brings you a lot of happiness I understand that. I think I just feel kind of resentful because I feel like I'm the one who has had that is sacrificed. E, you know, I moved out of our house while he's staying there. You know, I'm living with a best friend. He didn't because I wouldn't be able to afford that house even after a divorce. So and he can So that's why I moved out. So I'm living at my best friend's house while he gets to live in our house So that sucks that, but then also the fact that When we were married, I felt like I was single parenting the entire time. And now he has fifty fifty custody. It just sucks that I feel heartbroken not being around my kids half the time, while he gets to go and have his parents and whoever, God knows who else help take care of the kids Well, I'm over here by myself. L I just feel like he just is getting everything that he wants while I'm just like giving up everything that I had evenven though I'm not the one who everything. It's just it's frustrating. and I guess in some way I want him to get his. Yeah, listen and all valid. It sucks. It does suck. It sucks You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be hurt, you have a right to be sad Don't think you're going do yourself any good. favors by using that anger and resentment as the driving force for the decisions you make How do I get over that resentment then? Like how do I just you know, I got to heal, time, therapy? I mean, I would, you know, definitely therapy. I would make sure you have a good therapy. I do I do Talk through about this stuff, have friends that can hold you accountable. and give yourself grace, but you know, time, honestly, time. It's like this is raw, you know, and it's going to take some time, but you have to you have to let go of the anger at some point I'm trying, but I feel like he's like everything I do You know, even me moving in with my friend, he told me that I was taking the kids to an unstable environment. when he's the one who fired the nanny to bring someone unable. It's not. He just didn't he essentially was angry because he thought that he was going to lock me into having to get stuck into a lease for an apartment for a year and spend a bunch of money on that during these proceedings because that's what he wanted me to do. Why did he want you to do that because he doesn't want me to have anything that He doesn't want me to come out on top at all in this. The whole he is so angry that I get any He didn't say it to me, but he doesn't want me to have any of his money. He's mad, he has to give me anything at all. So he wants me to have to spend it on something I don't want to spend it on so that I can't put it towards a down payment for a house that I actually do want. would Just be careful unless he said this to you, I saw some notes that he had written down. on our initial custody agreement And he had a lot of stuff on there about how do I keep her from coming back to me for more money? whichich I would never do. Actually, the whole thing was I was spending my own money for things for the kids and for myself while we were in married.akes that makes sense. But what does it have to do with this whole narrative about you being certain about what he does and doesn't want you to have. Well just from our entire marriage, the fact that he didn't want me like literally I get it. Listen You have every right to be super angry and hurt. I'm just like And and what you're going through makes a lot of sense. I'm just trying trying to advise you if you know, you called if you're interested and you do not have to take my advice by all means. I am not, I haven't gone through a divorce. I am not a divorce lawyer I'm not an expert, you know, but I do think I have a pretty good beat on these types of stuff. and what I am good at is helping people get unstuck. when they're when they they they They're convinced they're right about certain things. And again, I just want you to find peace and happiness going forward And I would just be careful about like these narratives you're coming up with in your head to keep you stuck. And it doesn't matter if he wins. I dont what is winning? Like, you know, what's the cliche, you know, you know, living your best life and being happy is you winning And whatever he thinks of you is really none of your business outside of sharing kids together And of course he doesn't want you to have his money. And of course he doesn't want you to get, you know, like no no one, you know, of course Like, of course And you have every right to be mad about how he was as a husband and resentful about it. But you are divorced. Almost trying to get there. You know what I'm saying, though, But like he's no longer You're not in a relationship with him that you're trying to fix. You don't need to be right. And I think just accepting that he is not the man you married and that you don't want to be with him and being content with that is kind of the best you're going get. You know, You could still very much be emotionally invested in this relationship with your ex husband if you choose to be and a lot of people choose to be I don't want to be you gott to let the shit go. You got to stop convincing yourself that you're justified to disparage his name because he might be disparaging yours If you want the people to take your side, just again, be the person you want them to think you are Be easy to be around, be kind you know, um You're you you working youre you're working your job. if he's out there saying, oh, you spend all this crazy money spend crazy money, you know, be practical and you know, again, like also, I don't think you should care about what people spend your money on, but like People will see that, you know, like you will his in laws will be a part of your life to some degree peopleeople will see, you know, and he could talk his shit or whatever, but, you know, again, you also have to assume that his mom's going to take his side and that his family is going to take his side I think everybody always thought very well of me. Let them together.. But I think that he's now telling them things that people are like Oh my God, I never don't that about her You can't control that I can't control that, but I felt that I could control that They know it's not true. They you can't, though, you can't You can't. as a public figure and who has a show and things like that, I can't control what people say about me and they say a lot You know, and is it is it frustrating? sureure, you know, does it get it does it get to me from time to time? Of course Do I have conversations with myself in my head like, you know, debating strangers about the merits of why I'm right and they're wrong. Yeah, I'm human But I have to like check myself and I have to recognize that it's not my problem, it's none of my business and there's nothing I can do about it. And I can either just like, Priorize what's important to me, my life, my family, you know peopleeople who do know me You know, and I could show up just being the person I want people to think I am And just let the chips fall where they may You know, but you're spending an awful lot of energy First of all Coming up with narratives you don't know are true. Second of all, like you know, making sure people know you're right. And it just that doesn't lead to a lot of happiness. A lot of it does just come from feeling Lake I was the one parenting our kids and actually wanting to be with the kids all the time. And now again, like so as far as your kids go, kids kids are smart. And at the end of the day, you're not going to convince your kids of anything I don't want them. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, you're not by telling them, but I'm using it as an example for the other people in your life Your kids will Gravitate to the parent who shows up for them and that they can rely on and they can trust and they feel safe around. and hopefully, it's the both of you. But if it's not, it won't be because one person convinces the other. There might be some people that your ex husband successfully convinces them you' piece of shit. But most people will be like, I don't know. She seems fine. I just Also, people know you got divorced. People know divorce is messy. People know that people talk shit You're not giving the people in your community the benefit of the doubt that they just know that you know, they probably should take both of you with a grain of salt. I don't even know if some people know. Like he was still why posting pictures like family pictures at Christmas people not knowing, like people coming to me and being like, well, I thought you reconciled. and I was like That's what I'm saying your narrivesn't even adding up. you know, have we spent most of this conversation, you being convinced that he's talking shit about you and now you're telling me that some a lot of people don't even know you're getting Divorce. So like, how could hes he definitely not talking shit? you know? Well, that was a month after now at this point say you now. You get what you get one I know, I know. I understand that. No, you're right. I need to just let it go. And I just have to figure out. I would also just as a thought exercise, I would be open to the possibility of identifying places where maybe you were wrong in life. I don't think you acknowledge it as much as you I think it's I think it's a bad habit. Yeah. I'd be willing to bet that he your husband has some criticisms of you that are fair I'm sure.. And I never claim to be a perfect person. I just But like actually acknowledging what those things are is something, I bet you haven' it It's easy to say I'm not a perfect person becausecause no one is but to actually identify and own the things that you need to work on is a whole different exercise, and I don't think you are very good at that I think you're probably right about that. I guess I just didn't feel like those things were marriage ending things. I'm not say they are. This has nothing to do with your marriage You know But this has to do with the fact that like it's just it gets exhausting needing to be right constantly And for the amountas that you need to be right, People need to feel balanance with people M especially if you're often right. I mean I'm often right You know Whats I You know, I feel that But it gets exhausting with people just like because again, to your point, everyone's human and it's just like you know, okay, great. Well, you're not, you're not always, right? I guess that pretty much leads to why I'm concerned about dating in the future because I felt like I was right about him the entire time when I turned out to not be right about him because I did'isten you'd ever cheat on. Well the short. Yeah, listen, the short answer is relelationships are Scary and hard and complicated and often disappointing. No one's as good reading people as they feel like they are You know, but because you're ex you know, people can lie. sometimes people are good liars. And part of being in a relationship is trusting someone and you choose to trust. and when you give someone your trust, it makes it easier for them to betray your trust because you're not like Qestioning everything That's the risk of love. But yeah, I do think as far as you dating, you being open the possibility that like You're not as right as you. think you are And yeah might help your dating life a little bit better I definitely wouldn't be talking shit about your ex husband. I would get through this divorce. Yeah. first before you even worry about dating. And I would focus on being a great mom and a great employee and show up and be the person you want people to think you are. And that doesn't guarantee that they will But that gives you the best chance because like what you want is if your husband is talking shit for how you show up in these people's lives, I wanted to his story to not add up. Yeah. And that's the best chance you got. people believing you over him if you are just As messy as him and are talking shit. They're just gonna be like, at best, you're both crazy. I guess that's what I've been banking on up to this point is just that I haven't been saying anything except to my very close friend's family. I guess the results will come far in the future and my relationships with people, but I guess right now, it's like I want a reward for taking the high road I wantedward gratification. Yeah yourour reward will be your happiness. No, it's hard, you know, I'm in it in it right now. and so that's why I really wanted a total outside perspective. What you're going through is very difficult. So give yourself grace and, you know I focus on being happy and not right. because there are no Medals being right in adult life. No, you've given me something very valuable to think about. I think that I have heard over the years that I do like to be right and this is the most direct way somebody has put that to me. and to have somebody who doesn't know me at all be able to pick up on that kind of is an eye opener for me. I have more Fter for my therapist. Now I know really what I need to work on. Try not calling your husband a therap a narcissist to people It has nothing to do with him but is a catch all for you guaranteeing people side with you buzzword and in that desire to be right, that's like you making sure in case this person doesn't believe me, I'm just going to throw out there that he's a narcissist because then people will I'll be right. That's not why I would say it, but I understand it' it doesn't help anything. So I just need to essentially tell people it just didn't work out. And it may not be why you believe he's a narcissist, but I do think it's why you tell people he's a narcissist. because why did you need to tell me before we even, know, it's like, I didn't I gu you led with that Like before you got into the details, you're like, just see now? I guess I felt that it just tells a lot of the story without like telling the story. Yeah, but you want me to see your side. Yeah, I'm just I do. I do. You're right. I do want you to see my side. That's correct That's a good exercise on being okay, which just not being right and being open to hearing a different point of view or even being right but being okay with other people not knowing It's hard for us to see the fst of the trees with our own bullshit. No it is, I've always been good at giving other people advice, not so much myself. so welcome to the Club Well thank you. I really appreciate that. I look forward to seeing more sidewalk talkks I enjoy saying that. I appreciate it. I hope to do more All right, thank you so much. Take care. All right. All right. Bye by What's up everybody? Don't forget that all Vile Files Pus content is ad free. Plus for all you ask Nick listeners out there, your update specials are ready and waiting for you. I know you are very interested on the follow up calls. What has happened to these people after they heard my advice? didid it help them? didid it hurt them Has our life changed? 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I started dating my boyfriend aboutb six months into our friendship and I introduced her to my boyfriend's friends and she kind of dropped me for them. and I kind of don't know what to do now What do you mean she dropped you for them S After we introduced her to them, she just established really quick and really strong friendships with them And I started hearing from her less and less. and now I haven't heard from her since October Do you sell the sameoyfriend We're still together And he's still getting invited to things and I'm not B that to me. So These were his friends from Chicago and they all moved down to a new city that we're in now. and they're like more like Party friends, going out friends But they're all in this like big group chat. It all just feels very high school to me But she is like now part of this group chat, they're all So she's in a group chat with your boyfriend And not me, yeah. And it's like a big group of people Why aren't you in it I was never included Why doesn't your boyfriend include you It's a good question I mean, I It's hard because like he is very blos about these people. And like when I they're not like his closest friends and so he's like, oh, like they're bad people. He says they're bad people Yeah. I don't get I'm confused I am too. I mean, listen, regardless of who these people are, bad people, good people Your boyfriend interacts with these people Wh whoever they are or whatever they're about, he fucks with them Right? Yeah. And If I'm hearing this correctly, you made a friend This friendship was about six months old, which is still very new. Yes Uh then you met Your boyfriend hit it off, whatever, started dating. She met his friends through you. And yeah, like she hangs out with them. but I guess to me, this is more about Whatever issue you have, it seems like he more to do with your boyfriend. than her posossibly Yeah. Yeah. because it's just more like It's weird here what I'm telling what what I'm hearing from you is, okay, so And we certainly want to hear more details, but yeah. you met a girl, you became friends Whatever. Hang out You guys were seeming close. Like what was your friendship based on as two like mid twies, some year old women, what was what would drew you together that caused you in this short period of time to refer to her as your best friend. I think at the time, I was like really searching for a strong friendship whichich I acknowledge because like I had some friends, but I didn't feel like I like really aligned with him a lot and I felt Like me and this girl Clicked on so many levels I felt really safe and comfortable with her. We had Similar types of humor, lik to do similar things. We both opened up to each other about a lot of stuff and like I know this doesn't mean a ton of thing for some people, but L she came to like my family Thanksgiving and Christmas. and she was around my parents a lot and like Our moms went to like dinner together and We like did those like kind of like deep bonding stuff pretty quickly Um, And they just felt like really natural with her And what would you two do for fun? All kinds of things. We would go on walks, we would go get drinks, We would just hang out and get food. I would spend the night at her place It was like, I mean, sometimes drinking was involved all the time. Okay. When did things change? It started to change afterfter I went back to school to get a second degree and like really get started on my career. and it always became, o, you're so busy, just let me know when you're free And I felt like I We continue to reach out and continue to make time for her And I wasn't getting that reciprocated. And I tried for a really long time. And I would see her like on social media and stuff like hanging out with my boyfriend's friends, just like them without him in a smaller group. And ultimately, I told her, I was like, hey, like I love you, I miss you I hate that we're not hang out as much. likeike, did I do anything? Because I I wasn't sure, you know, And she told me that I didn't do anything that she loved me and she missed me too and like just wanted to work on things. But then nothing changed She wanted to work on things with you Yeah, like wanted to like put more effort into our friendship and spend time together. D she text you back When I said happappy birthday Yeah She did. Okay. So she said thanks That's it. So it's not like she's not ignoring you Right. I mean, I haven't Like she said a notes invites to like a big event and do not include me but including my boyfriend It was her event She of was like organizing an event to likeike a a show For what was the show for? Well, it was the rodeo And but like Was she did she get hired by someone to do? like, I mean No. This was her event. Like yeah, why is she? Well, she was just like coordinating a night to go to the rodeo And is there a world where she could have been like if you said something to her, she's like, well Yeah, I invited you guys like They are not like Partle invites What does that mean? It's like a web service where you can like send out like infightes and people like RSVP. So it's like two individual numbers. And I used to get these Oh, you used to get them and now you're not Yeah and I don't get them anymore. Did you ask No What is your boyfriend say He says them I don't care. And like he doesn't go to things if I'm not invited to. So he hasn't seen them. And now I feel like'm it feels like I'm like taking him away from his friends. But he says they're bad people Yeah Why does he think they're bad people? I think because like he recognizes like their behavior and they can just be kind of self centered and like catty. I guess the word is male friends Well know they their girls Oh, these are all girls What Girls and like gay guys. Oh, so you' Okay, so it's not a group of bros. No, it's no, no Sorry, that was probably an important contxt Okay. So this group of friends that your boy that you introduced your ex best friend to is a group of girls and gay men Yes Gotcha . Yeah. So where do you and your boyfriend stand, I guess on this? He thinks that Like he always emmpathizes with me And I told him, I was like, Hey, I wish you would like back me up a little bit more when it comes to them And how would you like him to back you up Like kind of Iess say that some of the things that you said, like But your boyfriend's not going without you No And do you feel like he's sad about that? Usually no, but he did kind of make a comment recently of like wanting to hang out with him Also like ' he has other friends that are like moreally his close friends. But sometimes it's like nice to have like a big group to like go out and do things with. But this those are the group is women and gayen. Yeah. and then sometimes like his other Straight male friends will be included, but they're not like a core part of this other group. If that makes sense. Fer It's just more like listen, I don't for whatever reason, your ex best friend, I mean, it maybe it's just a product of she thinks they're more fun. I don't know, you know? and available and You know, I don't know, Maybe you're not as available as you want to believe you are. That's probably true. And It's, you know, maybe it's just one of those yeah, it's just like, you know, the shitty part for you, it sounds like is that like when you met this girl I'm guessing she didn't know a ton of people in I don't know or she was like Yeah, she was new to my city. Okay. so she's new Yeahah, that makes a lot of sense. She's new to your city She meets you. Here's this lovely friend. you were more available, you were single You didn't have a boyfriend, you weren't going back to school. Vy different. Your life was very different when you met this friend than it is now. And then six months into this friendship she meets a group of people, and then subsequently you have a boyfriend now So I'm guessing and I hope that you were investing more time with your boyfriend and you were with her, which, you know, it's if that if the amount of time that, you know, you were dating your friend for a moment in a way. Yeah, you know, like when you meet when when a friendship starts that fast especially in adult life when you're single And it's that intense. There's, you know, like I, you know, I've said this a lot of times, you know, in friendships where it's like a straight man and a straight woman, you can be you can be total friends. You can be you can be platonic there are elements of that where you are replac, you know, like that person is filling a role. that a boyfriend or you know or girlfriend might fill just those late night talks going out to dinner with someone, you know, just having that quality time. And when you meeet someone that you really like and you want to invest in. It's going to eat up that quality time Right And then subsequently, it sounds like at the same time, you know, maybe she did have more in common with some of these people in this group or really it was just probably more just, I'm guessing most of them are single in this group Currently two of them But like at the time, only one of them was. Is it the women or the gay men? The gay guy has always been single. And thencause the women's more specific. Y. the women haveving a relationship. Yeah. Okay But is their partner part of the group? One was but then they broke up and's not anymore. Is this like a party group? Are they like very like socialites? or they're going out a lot? Is it just like I mean, they do party, but they also like to other stuff Like active together I mean, one of them is overber, so Um, but like they always like do like Pilates and Go on walks and stuff. Okay Well, listen, to whatever degree your boyfriend misses these groups of people and wants to hang out with them, the solution's easy. He can bring you If there is an element of you both feel like there is something there that you guys don't know where you are being rejected by this group or like you are unwanted. And maybe that's the case. It is weird that you're not getting this invite. Yeah. Whoever your boyfriend is closest with in that group, he could just ask or you could just ask her you know, just point blank. You know, you could just be very mature about this. You know what I'm saying? Like if you want to hear the truth, if you want to get to the bottom of it, Yeah. you know, if you need to know you know, that which I don't know if you do Right? Like I don't like this is giving again, like I want closure for the, you know, the from the guy who doesn't call me and like clearly doesn't want what I want with him, you know? And Closure usually is forcing someone to tell you something that's gonna hurt you And you didn't really need to know that to move on Yeah. There's that element. you know, it's just like you they they aren't giving you what you want You don't know exactly why but you know they're not giving you what you want. You know, and that in itself should be enough to move on. I understand life isn't that simple and sometimes we need to know. But if you want to, you could just blank, just be like Just be direct and be like, you could just call it out. You know instead of just asking, its this guy, I want to hang out with you more. then it's easier for her to be like, oh, yeah, let let's try What is that? you know? And then she cannot try. You could just be like, what happened to us? Like why why am I getting why why is Matt getting invites to things and I'm just not. I feel like I'm being excluded And like that's fine. And like listen, if if If I'm not wanted, I don't like just But I am curious, couldould you just tell me? L I don't want to show up to something with Matt. where I'm not wanted, you know? And so like, you know, it's like you could ask your point blank And if that's if you just need an answer, you need answer To whatever degree that maybe you're overthinking this I don't know Your boyfriend, yeah, is a simple solution of also he could be like He could, I don't know. to the degree that he cares It wants to hang out with these people Maybe there's someone in that group that he feels close with or comfortable enough to ask the like, why aren't you guys bringing or inviting her? Like it's gotten to the point where're kind of weird. Well, this is like a hangout group. They do they're an active group, they do a lot of things. Whatever. sometimes your boyfriend's invited when you're not Like are they expecting him to show up without you? Like to a rodeo like rodeo Yeah How do you know that Well, no okay, that's not true becausecause one of the other girls texted him and was like, Ohh, are you and Molly coming? And he just said that we had plans that night, which was kind of true. But I had told him after that, I was like hey you were so to an event that he was invited to But you weren't He received a text from one of those people in that group and asked if you were both coming Yeah What am I missing It was like the day before the event Regardless reggardless Well, so the thing is But I think just to be clear., the assumption I'm hearing from that text is that you are welcomed and you are invited. Now whether you got what you wanted or felt like you deserved, that text tells me that they thought that you too might come Yeah And I like This girl, she is always like much much more inclusive to me. like she's always inviting like me to stuff in the past And like she's reached out to me. But I think it like kind of has originated from my ex best friend because she was the one that like sent out the individual invites And so it makes me feel like in order for like us to be it more in the group. I just need to repair things. You want to feel wanted by her? I want to feel not excluded. But yeah Well, you don't know if you're being excluded Sure. You're assuming you're being excluded. You might be being excluded, but you know', you're not feeling wanted Yes There's definitely a difference. Yeah. they both might be true It's unclear that you're being excluded and it doesn't seem like you are If you were being excluded, I feel like you wouldn't get a response back. I don't think, again, you're You wanted a Oh my Goda thank you. I miss you. Winter. Are you free this weekend You wanted to initiate and hear that from your former best friend. You didn't get that. You got a thanks, which is to me sounds like You guys lost touch for whatever reason she feels that way And yes, it's not as much of a priority for her to reignite that friendship as it feels like it is for you Mh. And you know it might be just as simple as again, she was just like, I don't know, she's just like busier and then like organically she just started hanging out with these other people and feeling just slowly feeling closer to them And that's how, you know, like and I'm curious, like this ex best friend, like when you think about her personality and your personality, like how how much do you guys really vbe So I totally understand why she's like clicked with those people because They are very similar. And like I also understand that she like I'm just like not her person. I'm good with that. I just don't I don't want to feel like I'm like separating my boyfriend from his friends. I understand like if He's a big by Yeah Yeah You just have to get on the same page with your boyfriend, right? And doesn't sound like you totally are, right? Yeah It also sounds like you're getting a little bit in your head about the this fring Right And to whatever degree that you are I mean, have you have you had a hard time making or keeping girlfriends in the past kindind of I mean, lookyah Yeah. Wh do you o? Why do you feel like that might be? I don't know. I I feel like I was like bullied a lot growing up And Sorry, like U I like I do have other friends besides her. But I think like this is like my closest adult friendship, which was like M it kind of hard Beuse the gu I' outside friends that I've had good friendships with and like I'm still friends with some people from college and stuff. So U It do add some like longer term friendships, but I think it's hard because I kind of accepted where we were I in our friendship with my ex best friendriend and like I was fine I had moved on. And then U this past all we went to a music festival together and everything felt great You know, we were doing other things that We used to do when I felt very natural and I like had like renewed hope and our friendship and she was like o Oh my God, I love you. I miss you And then after that, I never heard from her again and she went through like major life changes. and Didn't bother to tell me We're talking about the same friend. Yeah Yeah And after that, I was just like You know, I kind of gave up But I guess I just like have I don't know if it's like guilt or my past trauma that makes me I feel like I did something wrong, you know What are you talking about past trauma Just like the experience that I've had with like F friendships growing up and stuff Do you feel if I were to ask you like, do you demand a lot of loyalty from friends No. I mean, I was when she started hanging out with these people, I was really happy for her, you know because I understood like how they were more similar to her. And I feel like I'm overall like a fairly easy goingo person. Okay That's Well, that's good. I mean I yeah I think it's a pretty common thing for people to meet people, become friends and introuce them to other people and then feel almost excluded You know, I think that I think that happens a lot. Really? Yeah, I've experienced that in life. I mean, I know yeah, I think it happens even more common with women Like in my experience, a lot of women I know, it's like they always seem to have one or two best friends Yeah, sometometimes just one it's likeing if it's group of three thenen there's usually be there's usually like two of them who become closer than like those someone who almost sometimes feels left out. if it's, you know, in like there might be a group of five girlfriends, but within that five girlfriends They're like paired off into like best friends, you know? Yeah And then sometimes with that, there are like girlfriend breakups. I mean, I've seen that a lot with women I know in my life throughout the years, whether it's sisters or girlfriends or just friends that are girls. I feel like that's pretty common The reason I asked about the demanding loyalty is that like a handful of people I've known in my life or women I've known in my life that I've observed who have struggled with friendships. There was and don I'm not getting this vibe from you, There was a level of intntensity they expected where being their friend from an outsider's point of view seemed looked exhausting Yeah. where it was like it just they really and I think it came from a place of insecurity, you know? And I don't, you know, like some of these people I knew enough about them. I spent some time with them And they' the them that I'm thinking of two people in right now in particular that I've known that, you know overver the past, say, ten years They were intense. They were intense to be around like they, you know, when You could tell that they demanded people's attention. They wanted to people to follow them, but they weren't the type of personality that people necessarily wanted to follow in a way Mhm. Um, And then when they would see other girls bond, you could tell it bothered them But is any of that sounding familiar Not really, honestly. likeike I I do feel like I'm more of an introverted person. I'm also a person like I don't ever feel like I want to be the center of attention, you know Um Youre re saying your attention is the wrong word, but There is this an intensity to these people that it felt, I think they were fun at first. they seemed nice, but it got exhausting These people would always get upset Mmm in these groups. and eventually I think other people got exhausted by them getting upset Yeah. W these people ever say, oh, you know, Mlly's, she's just always got I don't know, she's always so upset with something No. Okay Well l honestly, like I mean, I work in healthcare and so I feel like I'm really good at no matter like what's going on and like my like day to day life, if I like am out with friends, I'm gonna like on a face and be happy and I'm not gonna like drag everyone down with me, you know? And that wouldn't be what yeah that would be the opposite of the two people I'm thinking of. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's just like some past trauma, you know, that you're projecting onto this friend group and you're overthinking it and to a little bit, you're overthinking You know Yeah. you have this closest with this one friend, for whatever reason, she is not going out of her way to make you feel included. Yeah, right You have these other women in this group that have gone like, oh, is Moy coming? you know? But like you that that wasn't who you wanted to hear that from I wonder Had you got the invite from the friend, would you have changed plans to go to the thing that you guys said you were unavailable for Yeah, I was probably upgone. So then why didn't you go? You know, I get, you know what I'm saying?ike you know,'re that's that's where you're in you're you're Either like don't fuck with these people, move on and like keep your peace and or go And yeah Make it easy Be reminder like that you're fun. L right now you feel rejected by this friend and you are sitting back and waiting for her to make a move. I understand you sent her a texting her birthday But you did just say Happy birthday, right? Yeah And I only really I only really s that because I felt pressured. Bye. A little bit of my boyfriend and also a little bit of like My mom, my sister. And like they were like because you I'm assuming you express to them It was her birthday and you felt a certain way and they were like, you should just text her. I told them it was my birday and I was like, yeah, I didn't text her. 'cause I don't feel like' friends anymore And they we were like, oh, that's kind of Heavy Yeah Oh But that's the thing. you're you're that, you know, listen, you're an adult at this point. And that is not an adult move. in a sense. Yeah. Maybe that's not a great way of saying it. I don't know, but I'm just saying like it's Again, like you for six months, this this woman was kind of your partner You know, she was going to The holidays with your family. There was a level of intimacy that this friendship had that youge. Yeah, But I mean, my boyfriend was also there at that time So your boyfriend was always in the picture No, but like he when it was like holidays, he came to my family holidays and stuff still. But who did you meet first? the friend or the boyfriend? The friend. Okay I'm just saying there was still a level of intimacy there Right? I mean, if not, then what are you missing Yeah, no sure You know I was thinking, you know, it's now I'm going off some tangent, but in the context of I was watching the valley and then in the valley, like you got two, you know, Jesse and Michelle used to be married. now they're divorced And it's ugly and toxic. It's a reality TV show and whatever And now Jess, he's dating someone else. I think she's dating too. And like they're hanging out with like each other and this friend group and they're making a TV show and they're bringing their partners. And it made me think about like how we get over people and how we move on. And what's the thing that makes it difficult to get over someone Right. And when, you know, and to me at the end of the day, it's it's the intimacy you used to have with someone Because sometimes you when, you know, there' people who you used to date where you're like, I can't believe I dated them. I'm like, oh my God, I'm so glad they's someone else's problem Right And so when you think of it to that lens you'd like you'd buy their partner new partner a shot. You'd be like God, thank you. God bless. you know, good luck out there, man you know, but to and to whatever degree that You don't like I was was watching the show and I empathized with both of them to the degree that they have this child together. and you know, someone who has You know, a young daughter Like having a child with someone Is it a incredibly intimate moment? You have this sh you made something together. You made a human being, you know, and there's intimacy behind that sex is also a level of intimacy. You know, when you realize that that person is not available to you for physical intimacy and that you can't have them. It hurts a little bit, right? When you know, when you see them with someone else It hurts when they're sharing that intimacy And so what I'm, you know, clearly this this ex best friend She is not like She's not saying I, you know, shes she's responding to your texts, you know, like But there is an intimacy with her that you no longer have. that you feel like she's sharing with other people, but she's definitely not sharing it with you And that's the part that really hurts you. Yeah, rightight is that like it's become more casual. And the whatever shared intimacy that you two have, you no longer have that anymore and that's what's upsetting to you Does that make sense Yeah. And so I think just acknowledging that will help you understand your choices a little bit better And I guess to that degree, it does make you less petty. Right? Because this is not about not texting your friend happappy birthday. You're just like, I just don't know we're not what I thought we were and we we're not what I wanted to be with her Yeah. And to that degree, you feel rejected by her You know, it's just like she'll still hang out with you, but she won't be intimate with you anymore Yeah, and like I'm fine with that. I just well, you know, no you're not, but that's okay But also like that's the part you want closure from or you just want clarity from. And you're only going to get clarity from her by being direct with her and asking In the meantime, you are making this kind of confusing for yourself and your boyfriend and everyone else in this group because you do have you've recognized some past trauma with friendships. And to whatever degree you're kind of projecting this or assuming or here we go again and guarding yourself and protect yourself from being hurt. Yeah, you know, like you got invited to this thing. You didn't go because the not the right person didn't ask. Yeah. Well by the time that like the other girl said, o are you in Molly going. We had already made plans and I was just like that's not my point. But no, you acknowledge that if the right person asked, you would have figured out a way to go. Yeah. and a different person asked and it wasn't enough for you to want to change your plans. because you didn't feel wanted by the right person Yeah And so, you know, as far as the friend group goes, that part is is a, you know is a disservice to you. And it's and you and your boyfriend are kind of getting in the weeds of like who you're supposed to be mad at, how you're supposed to feel about this friend group as a whole He wants to probably be protective of you and so he's not hang out with these people, but he's kind of missing them. But this is all rooted around how you feel about this friend who you had this intimacy with. you know, with the friendship, that bond that you guys had that you no longer have. And you just need to clear that up with her or just accept that it's no longer that anymore and stop excluding other people in your life because you feel like she's picked them over you And they're all, you know what I? Does that make sense becausecause like Because of the complication with this one friend and because she's with this group You lump them all together And if you don't feel welcomed by her, you don't want Ka anything to do with them And that kind of includes stopping your boyfriend from having anything to do with him. I mean, I have reached out to other people in the group and I've tried to like hang out with them and it's always been Oh, I can't do that day and then nothing Okay But like are these people who are you're really close with No you're reading into something where they're just like, Oh like yeah, I can't don't, you know, like I you're just you're being indirect Right And then why did you reach out to them and not your friend when you asked? Is it like is it because you genuinely wanted to like hang out with them or you were, you know, like or were you fishing a little bit No, I mean, I like this girl. I would like to be friends with her Okay Yeah. But do you have that rapport with her? I mean kind of Am I making any sense? like mean No, you are. mean I guess Do I just like get over it or do I Text her and be like, Hey I think if it's still eating away at you. Yeah I think you should talk to her And it's just more about like, listen, I don't know the best way to say it, but I think you should recognize that like, listen, and maybe there's a vulnerability there where like I missed a friendship what we had. And the reason I missed it is because like I don't know how much she knows about your history with friends. Do she? Yeah, she knows all of it, yeah Okay Well, as you know, like I just like didn't have that and I really cherish that. And I know I got busy with life and in Matt or whatever I miss that and I feel like it's and now I'm just kind of in my head And I don't know, like Am I overthinking it? You know, are you, you know Maybe I just feel like when it comes to adult friendships, people like everyone's busy, everyone has their lives. as we get older, it's just like friends are less of a priority, right? Be careers partartners kind of come into play Obviously this friend group still like, prioritizes each other and you feel excluded from that. I don't know why they are doing what they're doing But the easiest way to feel included is to be easy to be included H You know, to just to be easy to have around And I said that about myself too, you know, like I You know, things I'm really good at to no one's surprises enforcing my boundaries I know what I like. I know what I don't like. I'm opinionated Sometimes I speak up even when I'm not asked, you know, and that has helped me a great deal in aspects of my life At times, that has probably made me difficult to be around. I am definitely not the person who's like Everyone wants to do shots, let's do shots. I was always like, I'm good Again, like it's a little boundary, but it's setting a boundary. I don't like roll with the flow I don't go with the flow often And at times around certain people, that's a little bit of a buzzkill, maybe Mhm. And like I've, you know There have been moments in my life I've had to recognize this or acknowledge it. I don't know. Most of the time, I'm just more like, you know what? I'm gonna be who I am. and no, I still don't want to take a shot just to be like Yeah Or you know, or things like not that they don't like me, but it's just more like I just know I'm not the person who's always down for a good time. Yeah. I had to at least accept that about myself. So whenever I feel excluded in life, I have to like go back to Well, I can make different choices, but I am content with who I am Mhm But I I've also at times have had to recognize that maybe I could be a little less difficult in situations. If I want to feel more included And all I am saying is that big picture wise In general And maybe not necessarily something to do with the specific friendship I wonder if you've just focused on being easy to be around. And being easy to be around means when the other friends says, are you and Molly coming? And this is a friend group you would like to be included more often to show up. and show up with a smile and have fun. Yeah and not being your head and not show up wondering why The friend doesn't talk, you know, like, you don't show up and kind of, you know, and use that as the moment to have the talk with the friend. You just go and be fun Yeah You know, I'm like, I did that for a while And then I don't know. G it gots tiring Yeah. I mean, listen and that I'm Yeah like like you Sometimes I'm like, said, I'm not having fun. I don't wantan to go Yeah. But you have to ask yourself why were you not having fun because you couldn't get out of your head about the friend Or you just don't find these group of people that fun kindind of both. Well, that's another thing you, you know, you know what I'm saying? Like we all w to be wanted Yeah There's a lot most things Don't want to do, but I still want to be wanted Yeah And to the degree that you feel unwanted, it's making you want to do things deep down you don't want. That's probably true. And how are things overall with your boyfriend They're good. Okay So you got get a relationship that you're pretty happy about. Yeah. You know, I don't know if you listen to this show, but there's a lot of people out there who don't have that. You reinvested in your career How's that going? Yeah? It's great I'm about to graduate in like two weeks and I have a job already. That's awesome. it's like my dream feels so I'm really happy. So there's that You're struggling a little bit when it comes to friendships, but I do think a lot of it is past trauma and you kind of projecting that onto things and then overreading things and again, being a little dramatic or being a little petty and just like not just accepting that, you know, you're focusing in what you don't have and not apprecihing what you do have And to whatever degree, when you want to see these people J be easy to be around and try not to overthink it. And If you are going to hang out all these people, just go to hang out. If you need to talk to this friend, talk to this friend. Yeah. But at some point, I think you might just need to accept that She just like she's at a different stage of life than you She met people she has slightly more in common with Yeah. And that there's a sad element to the fact that you lost that intimacy with this friend Hm. But I don't know what you want in your relationship, you know, but eventually like it's hard to maintain that level of intimacy with more than one person. Yeah And you had it with your boyfriend. Yeah You're describing the type of friendship that was deeply close. And again, like A lot of girlfriends I had before I was dating Natalie,, you know, and again, an intimacy of my platonic women friends. there was no physical intimacy But there was emotional intimacy. There was a connection. When I became more unavailable when I re channel that intimacy to my new girlfriend who is now my wife. And for a lot of people, it's hard to do. And honestly, I have found the people who try to have those relationships with a lot of people are never great with anyone Yeah So Is that is this in any way helpful or Yeah, I think Maybe in a way I need to like permission to like not feel guilty that I'm like taking my boyfriend away from his friends when like, He doesn't actually like give a fuck about them, you know So Also are you You know, and do you need to be? No, I don't think so. This is about you and this girl. This doesn't sound like it's about you and this group of friends. So Yeah. If your boyfriend wants to hang out with this group of friends and like outside of like you just not feeling weird or trust them, then like let them go hang out. And to the degree that like, why can't you just sometimes go Again, you had plans eventually Yeah like and to say you would have changed, you know, like You just have to accept where you're at or not at with this friend. You need some closure. You need to give yourself whatever closure you need. Now, whether that's through a conversation you have with her or just being like, yo, we just want different things. And the reality is, I mean, what if like for example, what if you talked to her and she was like, Yeahah, I miss it too, but like I'm going to start inviting you to everything we do. How many How much of those things would you want to show up for becausecause if she was like, yeo, I mean, I do have these other friends and like I, you know, Because the things that you guys did before, I'm guessing like both of your lives are different now. Yeah. Right? So yeah, I mean, you know, I guess she could show up for the holidays, but like I don't know, maybe she just Why, you know, like it's kind of not normal for like a friend with like Its in a one off situation. It's like, hey, this I don't really have anyone. Do you want to come and hang out with my family for Christmas and Thanksgivings? Yeah, sure, and you have a great time That's not like you also to make it like a thing like you do with your You know, I haven't been to my family's Thanksgiving since I met Natie because I've been going to her family's Thanksgiving. Yeah And why family gets Christmas? Yeah. I guess. It just felt like a I mean, it gave the the sense of intimacy like you're saying, you know, that it was potentially a more long term friendship than it ended up being Well, again, long term, it really comes down to what your expectations are of this friendship I will say like this she's not the person like she's not your right or die. And I think you just missed that intimacy. But I do think you probably have overthought it a little bit where you have made it a little difficult for this friend to maintain a friendship that she's comfortable maintaining And it's not going to be the same as what you guys had And I think you just need to reconcile that. Like what are you comfortable having with this friend I mean, that would be fine if we just like can exist within the same group, you know? That's like all they want My gut tells me and I could be wrong, that has more to do with you than her Yeah becausecause you are reading like not going to give a specific invite as you being excluded and then you don't show up And then the question is when you hang out with this group, are you open to hanging out with the group or do you want to hang out with her? No, I mean, I don't really feel like I haven't need toang out with her anymore. I feel like we're like not friends, you know? But could you get that out of your head You are like You're not best friends anymore. Yeah maybe You've lost that intimacy because what I'm hearing is this like, yeah, and it may again, if this is like on the context of a b To me, it sounds like, you know, I remember my first girlfriend, right? Like we break up up a bunch of times. and we had a lot of mutual friends. And then she was dating some other guy for a while and I heard about it. Like when my friends would go hang out in the area where they might run into her, I would never fucking go because I just couldn't handle it. you know, I couldn't handle running into her because I know the intimacy I came accustomed to My girlfriend in those periods of times, I didn't have access to that and it felt rejected. I couldn't just be cool with her, you know, I couldn't just hang out and be chill right? And the way you're describing it sounds a lot like that where it's just like you can't go it's hard for you to go hang out with this group because like you're just so fucking in your head about what you don't have with her anymore Yeah. Does that make sense? Is that accurate? Yeah, I guess so yeah In some ways, because I also think, you know, when we went to this music festival in the fall, I felt like I was there and I was chill and we were all hanging on. it was fun, you know Yeah Uh, but Where's the butt? The butt is I never heard anything since then from who? her and everyone. I just think part of it is just like you like people see you too as a I mean, I don't know there's a. If you're a really close couple, they might just see you as a couple. Yeah. And the individual invites might seem a little ridiculous to them. I mean, there's a world where they're like, what is she mad about? Like we sent them an invite? I don't know. And then like that one girl Yes if you guys were coming And in that moment, you were wondering why you didn't get your own invite. And then you didn't and you wanted to feel invited by the one friend Yeah. And the what I'm saying is this festival or concert that you describe, they probably feel the same way. That was a good time You left at wanting them you want to be wanted by them and you don't feel wanted by them And I am just saying maybe it's not that deep to them and they're just like, I don't know, she's going to school. She's got a you know, I don't know. it's just like Yeah Also sounds like there's a lot of times that you wouldn't want to hang out with them based on what they're doing Yeah. becausecause you got shit to do. Yeah. And this group of friends, they're just like they're always around. They're always there. They're not, you know, and for whatever reason they're just, they know they're going to say yes to each other and You know, like me, you know, and you know, it's just like I say no a lot to a lot of things. People stop, you know, people stop asking you when you when you're good at saying no to things. Yeah So I think there's a little bit of like I think you just accepting who you are a little bit better Hm you know, maybe just And are you in any type of therapy Yeah, I l her really long time. Yeah Sorry I'm crying. I was not expecting this. It's okay U Yeah, I did years and years of therapy like in my early twenties because I had Soome' how struggleles but like I felt like I've grown so much since then and like generally I'm like really proud and really confident of who I've become and like what I've accomplished, but there's just like this weak spot when it comes to this, you know Listen Do you ever go to the gym Yeah, all the time. Okay And when you stop going to the gym, what happens He I feel like shit I mean, you know, like, I haven't worked out Yeah, likeike I used to work out. My arms are I feel like my arms were like noodles or whatever. but like, you know, when you stop Working on your physical health, your body responds. Yeah. When you stop wororking on your mental health Your body responds. Yeah. So like you used to do a lot of therapy seem to be helpful. Yeah, you stopped Then this thing happened Yeah And you're having a hard time processing it. And I'm just saying like, you know, again, the therapy it works a lot better when you treat it like maintenance rather than reconstructive surgery. Yeah, ye. It's like how helpful is going to the gym when you get like s like So I got asked to a photo shoot next week. Like I don't know what like I could start working out six days a week, but it's I'm only going to get so much Yeah out of that sure. rightight Yeah. Had I been working out for the past six months? I'd be more prepared for that. No And I'm just saying like, you know, we we we take for granted what it takes to stay in our physical best shape. and versus our mental best shape So if you are feeling like a little lost mentally and a little like just confused and having a hard time processing these things Maybe check, you know, maybe revisit that Yeah because it just sounds like honestly like It's not as bad as it feels. And you have some past trauma with some friendship stuff that's showing up in this friendship And you're not crazy. for feeling this way, but you're maybe not seeing it as clearly as, you know, you're just not on the same page as this friend and it's And if I'm if I were you, the best advice I could give you is just try to address that. And you know, I hope this was somewhat helpful, but I just think you need I think you just need to workshop this a little bit. And to me, it's more about you getting back on track on feeling comfortable with who you are and and the choices you're making and you have a lot of good things going in your life right now with your your relationship and your career between prioritizing a romantic relationship or career in friendships Yeah. I think you're prioritizing the two more important things You know,, assuming that your relationship goals are to not like grow old with friends so you can go to Burning Man together. No for sure. You know. And so but that doesn't mean you don't want to have friends and it doesn't mean you don't want to have some intimacy with friendships. Yeah. But I think the way you are internalizing this is stopping you from feeling content with your choices And then it's also bleeding into your friendships where in ways I don't think you realize, you're being more difficult than you need to be to just be around Yeah Iike think it's hard because I tell my other friends about it and they're like, oh my go, that's so crazy. Like I can't believe she did that and all that stuff. And Well, sure. I mean it just like feed into the drama of it all. Well yeah, when you tell a ten min version of the story and it's just your story, it's like, yeah, that's fucked up. Why did she why did she, you know, it's Yeah. But there's a lot of nuance here, right? Yeah, for sure. And yes, I don't think telling a bunch of your friends this story so they can is not it's not being help that's not helpful. That's like again, like it's it's like going through a breakup and telling your, what are your friends going to say? They're going to have your back. They're going to say he sucks. You know blah blah, blah blah blah And it's not about them sucking. it's just about how to use stop How do you accept this new reality becausecause you're stuck and you need to get unstuck. And that's so much about moving on from a breakup is just feeling unstuck, talalking to your friends about it, it keeps you stuck Tking to a therapist about like who also like has a goal of getting you unstuck and helps you change how you think You know, theseese friends aren't helping you change how you think. They' they're reinforcing a narrative. of how you feel Yeah. And I don't think that narrative is productive right now That's true. is helpful at all Yeah, I think so Yeah Well, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I would I would definitely think about finding a therapist that you feel good about and just workshop this and talk centered around friendships. Yeah.. And I love my therapist. She like She graduated me to like as needed and I just stuff N neverever reached back to help. Yeah. Well, that's okay. Now you need it again Yeah U, and I would talk about this situation in a way that like because I don't think there's necessarily anything to do here other than you being content Yeah. And to the degree that like you in this conversation, you said, I just want to be able to hang out with this group From time to time Yeah But I don't know if that's how you really feel because what I'm hearing, everything there's nothing stopping you from doing that today. because this group does invite you guys from time to time And right now, you and your boyfriend are saying no because you feel excluded But that feeling excluded, I think is somewhat in your head. You don't feel wanted by a particular person And then you are projecting that onto the entire group as being excluded. Yeah And it sounds to me if you really wanted to be like, if your goal was to be the most popular person in thisp, I bet you could do it. I just don't know if you wantan to do the things that would be required No, I don't. And I think you just, that's the part you have to accept about yourself and be okay with Yeah, because like in this time I have like nurtured my other friendships and I'm like really happy with those. So Yeah. And that's I think I need to focus on what I have, you know? Yes It's easier said than done. But all I'm saying is try not to be the person who doesn't want to take shots with the group. What has frustrated that group doesnn't think you're the most fun person to be around If you wanted to be more fun, go take the shot, but you don't want to take the shot. And you need to be content with, you know, because like the people who want to take shots, they want everyone to take the shots with them because no one wants to drink alone And you're not unwilling to do that sometimes. And that is okay because what that means is you're also probably good at setting some boundaries that maybe they're not. And people who aren't good at setting boundaries want to spend time with other people aren't good at setting boundaries Mhm. And I think, yeah, I just want you to be feel good about your you're making, it sounds like you're making relatively good choices. and I want you to feel better about that Yeah. Okay and I think your thepist can help. Yeah, she definitely can, she's great I to go see her again. Do that. All right. I appreciate the call. I'm sorry you're sad about this, but hopefully this is a step in the right direction Yeah, for sure. Thank you so much. All right, take care H by It can be so easy to overthink your home furniture. 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That's OLI V E A and DjuNe dot com slash ViLL for twenty percent off your first system How's it going? Hey, Nig, I'm good My name is Allie. I'm twenty nine years old. My question is Should I be worried about being unmarried at thirty years old No. Wh I mean, why why do you ask that question like that? I mean You mean, you obviously know the answer is no, right? or I do know that answer, but I feel like turning thirty it's been a couple of months for me. and I've had multiple relationships, I felt like I've been so close to finding the right person for me. but I feel like after turning thirty, the pressure definitely feels a little bit more on. I am dating right now and it's It's kind of crazy out there. I'm just really ready to like settle down with someone, but I also know that I do have time. I have been engaged before. so I think I am getting closer, but it's just that initial like Should I just be focusing on myself or should I actually be trying to find a partner. But what do you think your biggest issue is? I mean, is it just like you're turning thirty and you're getting nervous or I am, I feel like I'm getting nervous and So many people, like so many of my friends are like married and having kids and I just feel like I am behind in that time frame' a little otherther than just like your timeframe is different than their timefame, which is probably the most likely answer. Like there are there things that you think you could be differently are Is it just the men that you're dating? Is it just bad luck? I mean, at the end of the day, you know, it's it comes down to Yeah, I mean Most likely you just have to like it's hasn't happened on your timeline. I'll give you the situation I'm in right now I met someone online. we met through TikTok actually And we started How doet How do meet?an is it can you DM on TikTok or how' that work? Yeah, so I actually I did, I slid in the DM. So I actually found him though off Facebook dating and he had his TikTok in his profile. So I went and found him And like from the first pictures I saw, I was just like, who is this man? So Ied messaging on Instagram and Snap and then finally started texting. and it's been like a couple weeks now. This is my first time meeting him. I actually met him for the first time last night And we had so much fun. It was so much fun. like B night, I really hit it off He definitely said that he is talking to a couple other people. And I also have like other dates lined up and things like that, but definitely nothing with substance like I have with guy How's that how's that come up? I'm obonestly just curious. Like on a first date. Is that pretty common these days where you're like Being upfront that you have like people have rosters, basically No. So like we got really into depth with like we talked about really deep actual life stuff, like I don't know much I should say, but family and like just life, like really, really deep into things and he basically was like making jokes about it, like you're going to fall in love and And I was like, well, I'm not going to actually because you're not available So I really feel like I need to hold myself back. I feel like I do get attached to people like once I do choose someone, like I will So wit, he was he was jokingly saying he's goingall you're going to fall in love with him Yeah, like And like And What made you say he's not available He originally had said he's like just not lookingooking for a relationship right now. How' this guy? My twenty nine very country guy like travels a lot basically and just like in the gym likes to shoot just kind of has his life and travels to see his friends a lot. So he just is enjoying his life. He had his own relationship that didn't work out. And he said he lost himself and didn't see his friends for like a couple years. But when I look in his eyes, I definitely see the connection. Like I can feel it. When you look in his eyes, you can feel talking in I'm like, look at him like, I feel I feel the chemistry. like I know it's there and like I don't know, but I just think I should like put the brakes on and not get into deep before I allow myself to get hurt basically I think that's another piece I of advice I can ask for like How do you not get excited and like just stay I want to stay grounded, but also I love love. And so it's just it is fun. It's fun, especially to the beginning stages, it's new, it's exciting and it's so easy to just like fall into like, could this be something? What's your longest relationship you've had It was four years Okay. How long it? Uh we broke up A year ago Okay Yeah, that's crazy. ye. Do you end it? Did he end it? I ended it because We end up being long distance We were living in Hawaii and he got deployed overseas. And so I decided to move to Florida to finish my nursing degree and be closer to my family And he kept saying he was going to move to Florida but he just never did. And it was just like two years of like begging crying like, please move here. I want to be with you. like spend our life together. And so basically for and engagement, I was like, you either going to marry me or I'm going to leave We got engaged and I was just still not happy. like that was not The band aid, that was going to fix everything. So I did end up ending it and it was really sad and it was hard. but I think he knew that I was not happy for a long time. So I really did try I just ended up like not really also seeing my life in Hawaii anymore just because I have no one out there and it's just so far away from family and whatnot. When you moved, like whereere you're like, I'm moving. When I moved away from Hawaii? Yeah, like what were those like he was your boyfriend at the time, right? Like you had been dating for a couple years Yeah, about year and a half. And then ye, and was it like? Here's a lot of fun overse this six months. Oh, okay. So he was leaving Hawaii and you were like, well, you're gone and'm I'm by myself Yeah, basically and I was gonna be weaightlessed to get into nursing school and it's really hard to get into school out there because there's only so many. so My sister was already in nursing school in Florida, and so I just applied and got right in and then Now I've been here three years now and I do love it here. I'd love it here. So I guess like, why are you so ner nervous I mean, I know you're turning thirty, but it seems like a It seems like where you're at is a product of the choices you've made And I don't mean that is a bad thing. I mean, like, It makes a lot of sense that you moved back home to Florida. You went and invested in yourself and got a Her education degree and nowm I'm assuming you love nursing and U So now you're doing something you love. There's there's a world where maybe, you know if he didn't get deployed or you didn't move or maybe he did a little bit more than he did to keep you around. There's a world where that relationship that relationship could have taken too much of your energy where you wouldn't have gone back to school. You know, so you got to look at it that way Yeah, so we ended on good terms and we are we're still friendly, but I definitely don't I don't miss that relationship I feel like the what I'm attracted to has changed a lot. I guess I didn't feel I didn't feel very S Yeah Like how serious are you about that? L Lately, I've had two recent relationships that were shorter O that was six months, one, three months. A lot of like men will they say and they want certain things and then they say too much and they like pull back or like just giving empty promises. So I'm very guillable. like I'll believe what you say to me because I will tell you the truth too. that's the kind of person I am. So I just feel like, give me an example. So my last boyfriend, like I was just like we were gonna move in together and he was like, I think this year like we could look into marriage. like we should talk about that One week is saying that and the next week here L broke up with me. And he broke up with me multiple times. likeike it was just ridiculous. He would leave even come back and I want to choose a good man, a nice solid, grounded person to spend my life with, but I'm nervous that that doesn't attract me as much anymore. and that's I don't It's almost like it's like a bad boy thing.' And it sounds so it sounds dumb and like cheesy, but it's something about it is really pulling me. like I I hope I can find it all. Like I want the full package. So I'm just like, is it out there What is the full package to you Obviously someone I am attracted to physically, but loving, loyal. want to be in a committed relationship, want to be in a marriage, want to have a family and wants to provide and like build a life. But what about the Boy saying that you Do that is that part of the total package or I mean, I do love like someone who like works out like bigger, taller Sure. I mean what does that have to do with being a bad boy, though I guess the last couple at like an even