Moving Forward And Finding Relief

I started Ornaut in twenty thirteen and we make bike apparel. The best part of Shopify for me is our ability to run the business as essentially non technical people. We're able to admin everything on the back end, front end, and sell things online easily. If Shopify were a bike accessory, I think it would actually be the bicycle It's the thing that you do the thing on. We run the business on Shopify. Start your free trial on shhopify. com This is Dr. Laari Santos from the Happiness Lab, and this message is brought to you by Simple Mills Aple Mills packs nutrient dense ingredients into snacks that taste amazing their cheesy light and airy popoms or their five different delicious flavors of almond flour crackers Lifting you up, never weighing you down, so you can keep shining through the day You could say simimple mills is the feeling of the sun in a snack Find simple mills at your grocery store. Good. My name is Jessica. I'm thirty six and my boyfriend refuses to share me on his social media. Is this a red flag? Okay, Mbe, probably. What I'm assuming you've addressed this with him. Yes, it's been an ongoing topic for I want to say a few months How long have you been dating We've been together solid for just over two years and we were off and on about two years before now Okay, so you had like a two year kind of situationship Yes Is that was that like, um A thing What what do you mean? Well, I mean, like, for example, Nalally and I now that we're married, we joke about our first nine months in our relationship. But by those first nine months, like, you know, there it was a thing. You know, she wanted to date. I didn't want to date. I had some reservations, yada, yada, yada. It was, you know It was only nine months, but like was there a frustrating period in those two years where maybe you or him or you know, it was a Why weren't you together in those first two years? And I'm curious Absolutely. he, I would say, and he will admit now that he kind of put me through the ringer. It was more of like a lack of wanting to commit and whoever else and whatever else he had going on So I wasn't You know, at that point There was no long term future for us. It was just off and on. and You know, I wanted commitment and he didn't and yeah. what O day he changed his mind He kind of did a one eighty, honestly. It was like one day he just realized that He wanted to be in his life long term, then being so difficult. But there is nothing Dad or changed But I'd love to hear his reasons why after three to a half plus years of being each other's lives and tears of Jiding. y Why the internet thinks you don't exist Yeah, exactly. So Basically this started, I want to say the topic came up a few months ago and I've never been kind of This has never been something super important to me So it's out of character and that's kind of why I'm seeking a male perspective because like This is unlike me and I just Yeah, I don't understand it. When you say unlike you, are you like Are you seeing it as like I'm not that girl who's so insecure that needs to like be validated online and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is like is that how you're meaning it when you say you're not that Yeah, it's just never been an issue for me. Like I've just never had this insecurity C not or it's odd. Like I just I don't know how to deal with it. Yeah, but when you say in security, you You make it seem like it's a you problem Like it's your fa You know Like this is you' inconveniencing the relationship and your boyfriend because of your insecurities is how you're framing it Yeah, I suppose, you're right. Jealousy is often a product of insecurity or is And insecurity comes from either like our own unresolved issues, which you know, is that's how kind of how you're implying it? orr it's coming from a behavior of our partner that's driving us to feel insecure. I mean, I love to hear the details, but like the little like, I've talked to you for minutes and you're like, okay, I've been saying this guy for over about four years. to it half of that time For whatever reason, he couldn't commit to you So and then he just changed his behavior Um, which means that like that tells me like, all right, he sets the tone of things And then for whatever reason, He doesn't share you on his social media to the extent that and again, you said Well, it's only been an issue for the past couple of months whichich means tells me this is not like you first started dating and then you demanded he update his bio But over time, youre you I'm guessing, correct me if I'm wrong, you were like What's going you know, it just became a thing. And then naturally you felt insecure about it, which I feel like you're being hard on yourself because like In twenty twenty six, I don't care if you are twenty two or seventy two if you are online and not sharing your life, it's There's usually a reason You know Yeah. And I'm guessing you're trying to figure out what that reason is veryery much so. like to add to that and I'll get into details, but it took him a year and a half of me asking for him to just add me as a Facebook friend. whichich is like ridiculous. I feel ridiculous even asking these things. Like how old is he? So adolescent He's forty this year Okay. so he's like a Yeah. If you were like a guy sixty three and I'm like, okay I will preface this by like he's not a so like suuper active on social media. I will say that. But does he have a Facebook Does he have an Instagram You does. Okay. Are they public? orre they private One is public. He says it's a Biness Instagram. He has that little hobby he has. would woodwor. He only post woodworking. He's posted photos of like his dog and stuff like that but he'll Yeah, but on his Facebook, it's very it's his like personal. and he does have a personal Instagram However, during our two years of our roocky roads, he did block me on that and never unblocked me, and he claims he doesn't use it You're still blocked And he claims he doesn't use it I mean, you're blocked, but like you could easily A friend or a finsta See how active it is. You haven't looked? My friend, she has looked and she's just she hasn't like, you know, tried to get in there too much, but she's seen that there's been like no posts or whatever. Okay. I don't want to like that's the thing with this is I have felt like this is consuming way too much of my energy I don't want to worry about these things. But you are Yeah, but know And I am. But like it doesn't need to be this complicated and you know that and you feel crazy for caring about something that like you want to be like, this is so fucking stupid You know, because in a lot of ways, it is for whatever reason, he is putting up an unnecessary fight. And the question is why The power dynamic seems to be in his court. and the relationship kind of moves at his comfort level. Which is it's not moving at all G you. Okay U, And how would you say that? Like again, outside of social media, like what how do you feel about everything else This is all more or less a cherry on top and I've been hyper focused on it. We've had O issues come up. I do have two kids. Okay. We do all live together. My kids like him, not a huge pro and if they didn't, I wouldn't this decision and just wouldn't be so difficult. He is a my big request from him was not to not quit drinking altogether. When I say big drinker, I mean like He will drink every day, but Like that's not my lifestyle and not the lifestyle I'm learning I want for my children. Does it change his behavior? to a degree that's noticeable For me, yeah. so I grew up with a alcoholic mother which has been a bit of a struggle for me and my big request from him was, just please, like just refrain from drinking before I get home from work each day the land And and last few days and then it's out the window And I can tell whether he's had one two or three drinks, even just on the phone So it's been a huge frustration because I'm asking for the bare minimum And it's like his non negotiable and the last time I brought it up, he basically is like, well, I'm an adult, I can do what I want That is True. ye Well so I think that's a really That sentence and that response is it feels like and again, I know very little having talked to you. so youd just tell me if I'm wrong, but that seems to be the theme of your guys's relationship He's an adult, he will do what he wants And your relationship revolves around that mindset he has for himself Thank you So topic of our struggles lately has been a little bit you know, our last conversation, I was outlining the reasons why I'm kind of unhappy in this relationship. and at what point does my happiness matter And what I want matter. I mean, I would say Always You know, it should. how are your kids Five and ten. Okay Is their dad in the picture at all Yes. ye. We're fifty fifty. Yeah How aware of your boyfriend's drinking is their dad U not But I'm assuming like aside all that, like it's not It's just kind of making you uncomfortable because you can just like I'm guessing he Like you said, if he has a couple of drinks you can tell he's like his motor skills are slowing down Yeah, it's just it's an ick too. and I try to tell him that and it doesn't change anything. And for me growing up it was, you know, sometimes I'd home from school not knowing what I would get and it's a trigger. It's a huge trigger. And I know that's kind of a problem I have Um that I need to deal with, but like help me out here I don't know. I don't I don't know if you need to deal with it. Most icks are like pet peeves that we have to Maybe workth through, you know, like Yeah when I trip and fall and my wife gets the egg She might have to like accept that about me. that I can be a little clumsy. I don't know if you have to accept this. You're a mother of two. You're thirty six Are you divorced or you separated you're divorced. Okay. So what at this stage in your life What are your relationship goals for yourself I ask that a lot, but I particularly am curious about it with you I would love someone that you know does want to prioritize my happiness and involves themselves a little bit more in my children's lives. showing up for sports activities you know, engaging with them someomeone that's not super selfish with their time. Yeah, a little bit of normalcy. someone that is proud of me and My kid. Okay. And do you want more kids Not at this point. I It would depend on the person. So he doesn't have kids. He expressed that he wanted kids, but 's been a waste of four years here and I don't feel like we're progressing or getting really anywhere. If you didn't have any more kids And how would you feel about that Toly fine. Okay Yeah. withith someone in your shoes. I feel like you Maybe the best way to articulate this, I feel like you're not taking advantage of the situation you're in. And I don't know how you feel about your situation and when you like kind of just look at your life as a whole But I'm sitting here and thinking like And maybe I'm wrong. this is my perspective. So like I could be like way off base. but I'm like, this is this is a person like playing with house money, so to speak. You know, Like you are in a position unlike other people I get to talk to. to be really, really picky with your happiness and you don't seem to be taking advantage of that. And the only reason I say that is, you know, like You're thirty six, right? You know, you're Like a lot of women Or men, but specifically women because women have to deal with a biological clock if they want to have kids If they are desiring to have kids or have more kids, there's like an inherent pressure. It's easy for me to say, Ohh, take it slow and don't stress and you know, take a break from dating when you're stressed out or you know what? he's not treating you right. Just leave. Even that can feel like, well, it's easy for you to say, you know, Nick, you know, you're on the other side of things, but like this inherent desire to settle down and get married and have kids is is a real thing and there is a window for some people, especially women, right? But. You don't have that And like you've you've done the thing And like, you know, it sounds like you're open to the possibility if you meet the right guy and yada, yada, yada, but it sounds like you have two beautiful children and being a mom, you get to be the thing that many people desire to be and get profound and meaning from and you have that. You know, And so you are you are in this very unique position if you want to see it that way be really selfish, not like selfish because you're only gonna care about yourselflf worth in the way that your boyfriend kind of seems selfish But you really can be selfish with your happiness and you can be patient I'm sure there will be lonely times in your life when you know, when we don't have a partner and we want a partner that's, you know, Like we long for connection and you might experience periods of that, but in the interim You still have your children to connect with and You know, it's not the same as a romantic partner or your friends or whatever. but You know what I'm saying? So like I'm talking to you and being like, why is she putting up with this thing You know, like what's the thing that's keeping you from seeing it the way I see it becausecause like so many people you know, whether it's artificial or not will come up with these reasons to stay in bad situations because they they don't want to start over or you know, you've gone through a divorce, you've survived that. you know, that's a challenge You know, and at thirty six years, you know, like I don't know about you, but like at this stage of my life And you're a little younger than me But your ability to survive these things and work through them, I'm assuming gives you a sense of resiliency and confidence of like I don't know. When I was younger And I got broken up with or something happened and if it happened for the first time, there was always like this fear of how do I get over this? You know, How do I get through this becausecause I never did. But once you start doing that There's a little bit of like I don't know, someome shit' gonna to happen. I don't know. You realize that life throws you curveballs and you You are less afraid of those curveballs and you know, you know that you'll get through things You seem like a wonderful person. You seem like if you wanted to date other people, you would have some options if you wanted to. But what's the thing that's stopping you from taking advantage of The fact that like you can really, you know, you don't have anything. There's no mental hurdle That's stopping you from being like, I don't need to put up with this shit Yeah, I suppose it's that whole kind of like you kind of mentioned is that starting over feeling. And you know, he's made massive changes before. U And I kind of have been kind of hoping. and just lately I'm feeling like You know, these he has non negotiables and like what are mine, essentially? Yeah. That's a great question. they're conflicting and Am I going to be happy long term? and I'm just kind of This has been all within the last, I want to say like two months. I've been really drilling down. and I think it's resulted in me picking them apart a little bit, but not in the way that I'm being too nitpicky, but I am realizing these things that bother me and I'm voicing them. And so instead of that being positive in our relationship of you know good communication, it's become conflicx You know, it's interesting because when I, you know, I asked you what changed a couple of years ago when we started dating and you're like, I don't know he just he just changed I imagine you almost feel like that's a good thing. I didn't have to ask. I didn't have to Give him an ultimatum I almost see it as the opposite because again, it's more like the theme of the relationship. It was still on his terms you know And so much of a relationship is the willingness to compromise and communicate and make sacrifices Not to the extent that these sacrifices you have to make in a relationship regularly hurt you put you in a bad situation. But like the ability to make sacrifices because you know that a minor inconvenience may may really makeake your partner feel happy or you know, supported. It feels like you have to Fight. an inate amount of time to simply get him to support you to make you feel supported. sounds like you spent a lot of time trying to get him do the bare minimum And then now it's like you're at this point where you're kind of gaslighting yourself. into like, am I just fucking crazy? Am I I'm like nitpicking? I'm like, I'm cararing about social media And it's just like he's not a bad guy, you know, And it's just like it's not about him being a bad guy or not. You know, you are in a position finding a great guy How's your co parenting relationship with Dad? For another episode Yeah, no, it'ss it's gotten better. It's taken a lot of work. Okay. Well that was kind of my point. So whatever it is, it sounds like it's gotten better, but that's taken work, right? Yeah. You're stuck and you're trying to figure out how to get unstuck And your hope is that take that he will change again. But one I don't know when that's going to happen. I don't know if that's going to happen. And I don't think you want it to happen on his terms again because if that's the case, It will just bleed into some other aspect of your relationship Right. Like this is a man who is set in his ways and it' very comfortable. saying no Stupid things you know, there's a good chance. he's doing anything nefarious. when it comes to like putting you on there defefinitely a possibility. It's hard to say, you know, fifty, fifty Whatever And I only say that because like if he is the type of guy who's just like comfortable saying no because becausecause he wants to be in control in the situation because he's really stubborn because like You know, that's a problem You know And I did bring that up to him. I said like, is this something you genuinely just aren't comfortable doing or you not wanting to do it because I'm asking you like I were telling you that this would make me happy. in which case is twisted. You know tellelling this would make me very happy and 's like over my dead body, basically I imagine So much of your mental energy and And what dick takes your happiness right now is is this relationship with him And because he says no so much become this thing mayaybe even subconsciously, where so much of your happiness is wrapped up in in your ability to get him to compromise. And there's a part of you that feels like you've put in so much work in this relationship You know, those two years were And he wasn't your boyfriend and then became your boyfriend I think you are selling yourself in your life short by centering him in terms of that feeling you have. Again, you're discounting everything you've been through as a mom, as a As an ex wife is a co parent, you know, you're not starting over Like and thats that's so cool about your position that I really want I hope I hope like again, like I don't want to tell you how to have like the perspective you're supposed to have There is nothing stopping you from the rest of your life. Yeah, I fear having regret beer you know That's typical fear of You know, maybe he will do all of these things for somebody else Well, that's ego. And the truth is he's not It's not Like, I mean, again, like Ironically Maybe he would share her on social media. Right, like There's definitely a possibility. You end this relationship Six months go by One of your girlfriends like that'm fucking mat. he's got a girlfriend and she fucking post him and it could devastate you. That would be pure ego and that would be you really That would that would be on you. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I agree. because the reality is I would bet that he is who he is. And so he might post her on social media But what he is is a very stubborn person who's very set in his ways and does what he wants. And if he chose to post on social media, that would simply be because He wanted to And it's not because he's proud of her or like whatever. It would just be like out of I don't know, maybe justpite. honestly, if you really wanted to, you could could you could allow yourself to be like he's He still cares what you think in a way that would allow you to like, honestly, if you wanted to You know, manipulate your own ego in a way. Yeah. Um But you wouldn't be missing, you know, you know what I'm saying? If you end this relationship I hope it's you end it because I don't know what you're getting out of this other than like frustration I'm sure and again, I'm sure he's not the worst guy. I'm sure you guys have had happy moments and yada, yada yada. But like at thirty six years age with two kids. You've clearly lived a full enough life And again, like there's just a lot of people that are not in your position that I could say this to. Like if someone called in, you know, man or woman, but especially a woman who was like, I desperately want to have kids someday You know, and if she's thirty six, you know, and she's like, I froze my eggs and whatever. And I would still ultimately be like, listen, you can't force it. You're going to have to be patient and yada yada, yada. And like at the end of the day, you still have to stick to your guns with your non negotiables and don't sacrifice your own happiness But that would be so much easier for me to say and harder for that person to implement because like that if that desire to be a parent is real, like there are elements that like that are outside of people's control. and no one wants to have a child with you know, someone who's difficult to co parent with as much as you want to be a parent, but for whatever, you know, your situation with your co parent it is what it is, that's the life you have and you have two wonderful kids, right? My grandma Back in like, you know, my grandfather left her for another you know My whole life, she just she's only dated rich men, you know, and they would die and she find someone else. She seemed pretty happy You know, and And she had her five kids. I imagine like so much of her life was through her kids But like, you know, I guess she just lived life for herself Especially as adults, so much of the decisions we make for our own romantic life are not based off of our immediate needs, you know? because there's other things, there's other variables, the things that we want I was in my mid thirties and I was single. There is this is like, willill it ever happen for me? you know? It's like there is that feeling, you know, if you never get to that point, they're just like, I'm doing something wrong or I don't know. Yeah Yeah, but you don't like It's happened for you, you know? And now you really, you really get to be selfish. You really get to be like the only thing I have to worry about when it comes to my romantic relationship is am I happy And if I'm not happy, I can move on And How many loves have you had in your life I' gonna say two Me my first love Big part of my life This was seven years. I mean, it was like I had some extxtraordinary highs and lows And and also, it is a distant memory You know what I'm saying? It's like I don't think about it. It's like It's I don't know who that person is anymore. I don't know what's going on in their life I wish them well, but there's no emotional attachment And I only say that because like You're old enough to know that you have seasons of your life You know So instead of thinking about starting over You're just maybe closing a chapter of something that will just be a A memory Good memory, bad memory, but like when you think about your ex husband, I mean, in granta, you share kids, but you know what I'm saying? Like that whatever You know, do you look at it back and like you know you're, I'm guessing you're glad that you're not in that anymore? Yeah, I am. It was we' together eight years. and I am glad, but there is aspects I miss. I think and I'm struggling with this relationship and I don't know every relationship is different, of course, but I'm I'm keep telling myself like, I just want this to feel normal I feel like you said, I'm constantly asking for the bare minimum and I'm just at the point now where I'm asking why? The part of you that is afraid that he's going to do this whatever this is. Do the bare minimum with some other girl if you say goodbye is really your b That's your hurdle. That's your issue. Yeah Yeah. because You know, I don't know if you watch Summer House, but like that that scandal that's happening right now and everyone's talking about it, but like There is an element of like, You know, everyone's like teams here and Beautiful person and seemingly like a lot going for her And we and we all enjoyed watching her fall for this guy named Wes, but like I've always been kind of watching it being like, what whyy is she bothering? Yeah like what I don't get it. Like is someone who has a big ego and like is is a competitive person, like, you know I've been that person who just like I just need to be, I need to figure this out, you know And I just I need to figure it out. you know, But like at some point in our lives we have to It just doesn't do us any good You know, I have seen him really show up for me. And like so I know he has it in him. That's the part that hurts you Be you're internalizing it and I'm guessing is this like, okay, he's capable of doing it. You know It's a choice. He's making a choice And you've seen him be able to do this. And so that part of you that like knows he's capable of doing it, your ego is just like, well he's not he's choosing not to do it for you. And that's a reflection of you. There's something wrong with you you need to make him do it because that will show you You're worth it But defite I would love for you to try it. That that will be forever your biggest like I honestly think that that's going to stop you from being happy in your life I agree. Yeah. when you put in that perspective. Yeah At some point, we actually have to ask ourselves what makes us happy. And we have to do the thing that makes us happy O brain prefers pain to boredom It will choose pain over boredom. It will choose pain sometimes over contentment U Its pain is exciting Um It's a feeling. I think you are used to choosing pain O, over over alternatives Yeah and that and you are you sit in situations that aren't serving you. When it comes to your happiness, there's there's nothing stopping you. from really making sure that the people you invest in deserve What you bring to the table Um But whatever reason, your ego I feel like is stopping you from seeing it that way Yeah, well, yeah, I haven't heard it from that perspective yet. so somethinghing to think about for sure I've been I feel like I've been focusing on kind of hyper focusing on these areas because maybe subconsciously I do know that Yeah, I mean, like you're the one who's like when this call started, you feel silly caring about social media. It is silly, but you're not you're not crazy for feeling the way you're feeling But he's the one being silly and forcing you to be like, what the fuck? like why it, you know Why is this so difficult? Like why But it's not, it's not difficult. He is choosing to be difficult. and then you are getting wrapped up in the drama of his willingness in capable of just being this really stubborn, difficult guy. And it gets you activated, it gets you charged up. It gets you invested. It makes you care and caring is a is caring We want to care about things You know But I would love for you to channel what you care about And I really think the day you are able to control that side of your ego gets you to do that.re you're going to be so much happier Yeah You know When you prioritize I don't think youriize prioritize your happiness as much as you would like to say have a girlfriend that Bless her heart. She's so great and Ive beenent to her all the time and she's said The same things No U I've been kind of lacking that male perspective, I guess. So U it's it's hard starting Over is hard and if this ends, dating isn't going to be my priority. It's going to be making sure my kids are happy Can you? When that time comes? Yes And when time comes, dating is exhausting. L There's so much of me that does not want to start over. and I think so much of me was like, I just want to work on this instead of Getting myself back out there I would love for you to be open to completely changing that perspective. Like what do you mean starting over when we started this, I thought that he would be I thought that was it. I thought we wouldd be together. and this would have progressed a lot more. So I guess more so like Change of plans, I want to put it. notot much starting over. mayaybe I'm wrong. Maybe people listening are thinking I'mm um Um, too much weight on the fact that you already have kids and you don't want more kids I mean, that's what I'm, I guess I'm trying to like, instill in you. It's just like at thirty six, you are old enough to have, again, you you've Yourre twenty your your early twenties must feel like a lifetime ago Right? It's a different person Yeah, You know, you were it was you had different friends and and you were just different Yeah. And that's like a and and I imagine For the most part Good or bad memories from your twenties are mostly just like memories. just probably good like even the I always think like the bad ones are Now it's just like that' you know, when I think about some of those lows in my first relationship, I don't's not it doesn't bring me pain I kind of chuckle You know? Yeah. No yeah. ye And you're only thirty six, and let's assume have you live a full life and you live toill yourre ninety. I mean, certainly we all want to be able to like, oh, I want that great love and You're only thirty six. And so like this starting over mentality, I just feel like really limits you to finding what It feels like you really want, which is to find someone you can really enjoy life with I don't think you want a relationship that constantly, you know, that brings you a burden that you can end stress about life with. I don't, you know, it's just like, And so Yeah, dating can suck But so much of your life is not starting over The version of you who like doesn't have kids has never been divorced Like never been married So they don't know what that's like. They don't have any perspective about marriage or divorce or anything like that. that you have in good or bad, like this life experience that you have, like it's information and it allows you it should allow you to see life a little bit less black and white, I guess is what I'm trying to say Right. And so for the person who's, you know in a similar situation to than you who desperately, you know, he's like has's always want to have children and hasn't had that yet That starting over feel can feel more real because it's like it's it is centered around I got to find someone not only that I enjoy, but they want to have they have to want to have kids. They have to want to do all these things And someone could be dating someone who doesn't make them happy, but does ultimately, you know, it's like then that can feel a little heavier. You just need want someone who shows up for you, who's excited about being with you is excited about doing things for you You know Yeah. who like from time to time when you're like, hey, I need some help, they You know I still like, yeah, sometimes me and Nellally get in frustrated each other and sometimes whatever, but like I still jump up when she needs something, you know, even if she's not like I you know, the part of me that My love language is acts of service. you know, I enjoy doing that for like He doesn't enjoy making you happy. It sounds like he kind of seems to get off on getting, you know, making you frustrated. U Yeah, like like I said, he has shown up for me huge. and so I know he has it in him these main things that have been frustrations for me I don't know why it's you know, he's so stubborn and they're non negotiables for him Um So I guess I'm trying to figure out are these mine not non negotiables? Is this If he doesn't budge on some of these things, am I Finishing this how How flexible am I willing to be I think you sound incredibly flexible. Alrightready T flexible Yeah So the point where again, like Social media might be stupid, but social media isn't your problem. Your problem is this is a guy who seems to be incredibly stubborn and very comfortable saying no for the sake of saying no And even if he is trustworthy and faithful, He is incredibly disruptive to the ext. againgain, like his priority isn't your happiness. It's almost seems to be the opposite You don't have someone that you can count on on a regular basis And the fact that he has shown up a couple times and you can point to some moments where you're like, yeah, but he but he did this. and in that one moment was super helpful to me and that one moment made me happy, but he did it for himself. You're spending a lot of energy Again, like trying to fight for the bare minimum. You what does that look like if you start over? Yeah, you The him moving out would be awkward challenging and difficult his house. Okay, you moving out would be a pain in the ass. So yeah, like there is that. You know Like I guess from a financial standpoint, is this something that's doable for you? Like or is there an? I mean, obviously life is expensive, it would be a struggle, but I manage. like there's been points in the last few months where You know, he's he has told me to leave like arguments have gotten very heated And I have looked at places, like it has been very, very close. to happening. and so it just kind of put me in that reality of like this This very well may happen soon So I've been preparing myself as best I could. so financially Yeah, it's I always make it work. it's fine. I think Just for me My kids are a huge priority. So I just making it as minimally hard on them would be my main priority And they'll get through, but again, like This is a guy who you have to negotiate his drinking, which is like already uncomfortable and it doesn't seem like now it's not a a big problem, but it's like it's When kids are evolved, it gets a little weirder and nickier I want you to try as much as you can every time you in your head think I don't want to start over. I don't want to start over I want you to try to say, stop it And then I want you to start thinking about a life of, you know, a faceless person. But the idea that like at forty years old, you're gonna to meet someone who makes you just incredibly happy you know, and shows up for you and is a is a really solid person that your kids will get to know Whatever your wildest relationship dreams are at this stage of your life, that you can have that And it may, you know, there may be some periods, but like But doesn't that sound great? you know, You're old enough to know that forty isn't that far away. Life comes fast And And wouldn't she rather like In the next four years Be a great mom, be content Yeah, you might feel lonely You might go on some bad dates. There might be frustrations in that period of time But like, whatever But there won't be like extreme sadness becausecauseuse like right now, you're experiencing extreme sadness at times When you have to like fight for the stupid things like social media and he says, no, that's got it's so defeating, I imagine at times to just feel crazy to ask for bare minimum stuff and not get it. And certainly when you're lonely from times being single, that those moments of sadness, but not extreme sadness. not this type of sadness where you feel like what is wrong with me or what is wrong with my relationship? whyt Someone just do this for me. And I would love for you to like fantasize and know that you if you allow yourself to have it, it will happen You just don't know the win You know that like whether it's at thirty seven, thirty eight, thirty nine or forty three It's gonna to happen someday. And in the interim, you have a lot of things in your life to keep you preoccupied, peopleople who need you. You're not going to get what you want until you expect it for yourself until it becomes your bare minimum. And you have been really good. He has gotten you really good at getting to accept less. than what you deserve And until you change that, I don't it's going to be hard for you to get it, but like I think you can change that. But like you really have to know that you deserve it. And it starts with you stopping I got to start over Because you're not going to start over You know, things will change for sure. All that you're just you're getting rid of something that doesn't make you happy in the pursuit of something that does. And that's not starting over. That's a refresh I have been feeling more like that as time has gone on, like this is maybe this is what's going to be best and maybe yeah, I will be happier. And looking at places a while ago, it was like A, this would actually maybe be really nice. This is where I'm like, how hard am I willing to fight for this I want you to focus on for the short period of like Unhappy. You are in this situation and how much energy you are putting into fighting these battles and what you could do with that energy If you choose to say, it's no longer my problem I just want you to expect more for yourself. you deserve like you you, you know, you You could have anything you want in your life you have Nothing else that's stopping you from saying that, you know, when it comes to my romantic life I can I get to be really picky now. You made your sacrifices already. You married the wrong guy. You had a, you know, like it didn't work out for you in terms of like, hey Having kids with someone that, you know, it' fine You know, But you've you've done that like you've now it's you get the opportunity to like really be selfish. And I want you to take advantage of that as much as possible. And if it doesn't happen to your forty five, you willll be glad that you waited till your forty five because you will have fun in between You will. And focus on the fun like there are fun aspects of being single and there are fun aspects of dating. And wouldn't you rather be a single mom with to be a free agent than spending a whole weekend being sad about a guy who's just deciding to be stubborn for no fucking reason No, Yeah. you're right You know likeike not you know, having a bad date is annoying, but it's still a good story. I would take a bad date with a stranger over feeling really, really sad over someone who'd list defiantly wants to not make you happy. s wild. Yeah. hearing it from you I've been hearing in my head too long, so hearing it back reafring You have so much freedom And you really like it's there's nothing holding you back and I want you to bring that energy rather than. I want you to feel like you're sitting on a lottery ticket you haven't cashed in yet on your point, you know A lot of people just don't have the flexibility and freedom to make certain choices because like there's other variables in their life they want and they feel like, o, that's I can't be this selfish because I want this thing And there's no major life thing that you have, you know, it's like All you want is happiness Go be happy. No prioritize your habit. Thank you. Thank you. If you're not in therapy I would encourage you to find someone that helps you through this Tiot. Because the part of you that is not good at letting yourself be happy, I think is something you need to work on and it might take some time And and this friend that you have that you referred to, I would, you know, it sounds like a blessing, but like be open to like receiving some tough love from her. But I do think a good therapist will help guide you through this because there is something that's stopping you from allowing to embrace this freedom that you have and you are good at sitting in pain Thank you. Yeah, you're absolutely right Thank you for that. and I will It's been something that's been on the list to do for myself for a long time is a therapy and I just haven't yet. All right, I encourage you to try M. Your happiness is awaiting you and the only thing that's stopping you is you and it's You're not going to get it from him Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I needed to hear that. All right. I appreciate it. Good luck. Keep us posted. I'd love to know how things work out. Yeah, okay. All right, takeake care. All right Thanks When people talk about strength, training, and resilience, they usually focus on things like discipline, workouts, and consistency. somethinghing even more fundamental, your body's ability to produce energy. Well, that's where timeline comes in. The timeline is a supplement designed to support mitochondrial health and cellular energy production through Urethan A, strength support, energy, recovery, and healthy aging Muscle health isn't just about building bigger muscles, it's about maintaining strength, endurance, and recovery as you age. well As you guys know, Im getting older. We all are So timeline development mightit appear, which contains Urethine A. Uurthine A helps the body remove damaged mitochondria and support healthier mitochondria function I started taking Mighture a few months ago and ever since then, it's been just a little easier to want to get get to those workouts. You know, it's always as you get older, there's always excuses in your head of why you don't want to work out. And every little bit helps, Mightopure from Timeline is helping me stay consistent with my workouts and helping me feel more refreshed and energized throughout the day. Timeline's clinically proven formula is now available at a new lower price. MightopPure now starts at seventy nine dollars when you go to timeline dot com slash Vi L that is timeline dot com slash Vi Traditional banking can feel so complicated in monthly fees over draft fees, ATM fees. So many fees, you're constantly getting charged. Just to access your own money. Well, that's why time stands out Chime is built differently than traditional banks with fee free banking designed to help you keep your money For you, Chime members can benefit from up to one thousand hundred and fifty dollars in annual rewards. They also offer a savings account with three point seven five APY. With direct deposits, members can unlock additional benefits and rewards. Chime also offers thousands of free free ATMs nationwide. They also have great features like SpotMe, which allows eligible members to overdraft up to two hundred dollars fee free meembers can also access my pay, which provides access to up to five hundred dollars of their pay when eligible. Chime is rated five stars by USAoday for customer service with real people available twenty for seven. I don't know about you. If you're like fresh out of college and you know and youre maybe you're paying some student tuition bills or you know, you know oy money just seems to fly out the door. Stop wasting money on things that you don't want to waste it on. I wish I had time available to me in my twenties But it's available for now for everyone and everyone can benefit from all the great features that Chime has available to you. Chime is not just smarter banking. It is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free today. Head to chime d. com slash Vi L. it is chime. com slash Vi a LL It only takes a few minutes to sign up. Chime is Fint tech, not a bank banking services foray and Chime card provided by Chime' bank partners optional products andvices may have fe charges, stated annual percentage yield andash back forimeime, minimum balance required. Cc account ranking based on a JP power survey published october twenty, twenty five. For more information on API rates, my pay, spot me and travel perks go toimeot com slash disclosures. How's it Good. I'm Hailey. I'm thirty two. And my lease ends next month. I'm hoping to move in with my boyfriend And when I talk to him about it, he avoids the conversation. Okay U Holling had been dating? Eight months right now and then it'll be nine months when my lease ends. Okay.. Why do you want to move in with him So I want to move in with him because it's going Really great. I have had a really good time with him and I am excited to take that next step. I think What were How does he He's thirty five Okay What's his reason does he give you a reason why he's uncomfortable or he's just trying to avoid the Do you not know? Yeah, he says a few things. We've had variations of this conversation a few times. He says, nine months feels too soon He's also in the process of buying a house. so he said, whyy don't you wait until I buy a house? You can move in then Does that feel more honest or like a long term excuse? Like, is he actually in the process of buying a house? He is, but he goes back and forth Some days he gets really close to putting in an offer in and then he goes, I don't need to rush this Why am I So ites back and forth. Have Either of you ever lived with anyone? I have and he has too. How did that go For me, it did not go well. It was a toxic relationship and I should have not have moved in with him Why did you move in with him becausecause my roommate at the time was moving out And he pushed me like, oh, I should move in. your roommateates's moving out. How much of this decision? I mean, no doubt sounds like, you know, going well, you're excited, you know. Why wouldn't I wantan to live with my boyfriend? imagine There's that energy. Is there any part of you is just like, well, would be like The alternative is I'm going to live with myself and that's going I'm going to spend more money and I'm also going I'm going to spend more money and less time there because I'm going to spend a lot of time with him. and that just seems really impractical U, How much of that is weighing on your m Honestly not at all. I have a roommate. so my rent's Pretty affordable. You might hate this answer I strongly believe that there's only Two to three reasons why People should move in together And the first two are kind of like You're married. and or engaged. you know that's one in two. So like there's you there is an actual commitment You know, we are, we're in it together. And then the other the only other option is Both people are equally excited to do it. Yeah. It doesn't make you wrong for wanting to move in with him Yeah, it's only been eight months, but whatever. You're like I like you. I'm excited. I see a lot of future with you. I want to spend most of my time with you. It also doesn't make him wrong That he' like I don't know. You've already lived with someone And it didn't work out. And you have the benefit of hindsight now to look back and reflect in that relationship and been like In't need to do that. If you're married, of course yeah, you' probably'd be weird if you're not living together. If you're engaged, like, you know, you't have to live with each other because like, you know, you can save that for the marriage part. but there is a there's a clelear commitment in this relationship You guys have only been dating for eight months You know, you still have things to learn about each other You know, there're don't don't discount. And I know there's an excitement to want to move things forward moving in together won't benefit the relationship one by itself And that's why I say two people have to be mutually excited because it can be a great thing. It can be a lot of fun, but you know how it can the've you've experienced the other side. Yeah. And you want to move in with someone that like it just feels good. It feels fun, It feels like this is what we both want. So the first person I ever moved in with We broke up and I remembered You know, I hadd never done that before, so that was just a big moment. I was like, holy shit, I was actually living with someone before, you know, we got engaged quickly and then subsequently broke up quickly after that. And then my next relationship, I felt really good about You know I was just like that movie in thing that didn't work. I don't know. like that did not go well. So I definitely had some baggage And she really wanted to move in. And I put my foot down the first year And I think we're probably dating around six or seven months She really but we fought and we fought hard. She fought hard And I was like, I know, I know, I'm not doing this again. You know We just I don't want to playhouse. I don't like we're not engaged, like we're still dating And then another year went by And I still said no because like another year went by, but I was just more like, yeah, we're not engaged yet, you know And fact, we're probably fighting a little bit more, blah, blah, bl, blah, blah. But I'm just not I'm not moving in with you just because you want to and it would be more convenient, you know? And then we fought hard Oh Ultimately, I still said no, and she was like, well, fine, I'm just gonna stay your place full time. And she was kind of stubborn. Anyways, I think back in that relationship and we didn't work out at all, but at the time, my not wanting to move in with her? Absolutely nothing to do with me being like kind of one foot out the door at all I mean, I was I was locked in so much, I was willing to fight with her about it, you know? Like it was exhausting. I was frustrated, but like I just it was like In my mind, I was like either're going to get married or not And if we get married, we have the rest of our lives to be Bve together And if we get married, I don't ever want to get divorced You know, But if If we don't This isn't going to This isn't gonna do anything for us I just my first thought is is I don't want to be strun along. But again, that's where I think And that's why I want to tell you the story because I really don't think How didid I al ask C? How old is hes thirty? He's thirty five, I'm thirty two Why do you feel like he's stringing you along Because when I ask like, I get nine months feels too soon, what feels better for you? Like what does it look like moving in with your partner? can't answer it. He says he doesn't want to put a time on it. He wants it to happen naturally. He just says like non commommittal vague things, which is frustrating. Yeah, I hear you, but it has only been nine months. Yeah. And you are old enough to know That you can feel one way after nine months and you can change your mind. Definitely. Other than that insecurity that you have of reading into why he doesn't want to move in with you Sounds like everything else is pretty good Yeah, pretty good. The fact that he seems serious enough about buying a house, just practically speaking It doesn't make sense for you guys to get a lease together I will say this, like I don't know what kind of house he's buying, but I bought my first house right when Nal and I started dating U And it like it wasn't that big of a house, but compared to where I was living, you know, it was like a it was a house. Like I had never had a house before And I just remember being like, I Like what am I doing? made me want Natally because I was like I needed to fill I wanted a woman's touch. I needed to fill out this house And so if this guy is serious about buying a house, I get there's a strong chance possibility once he buys a house, he's going to want you there more, you know evenven if it's like unofficial That house will feel pretty lonely as a single bachelor. Yeah, and he alludes to that as well And thenen my thought is, I'm supposed to just move in when he's ready. That doesn't feel good either.. want you want them to not be ready? No, I just want it to be more mutual, like you said, like both equally excited. I guess that's just happening at different times. I hear you, but can you at least recognize that nine months is still early in a relationship? Yeah, obviously, yeah. It's early. I would love for you to try to challenge yourself to not see it the way you're Yeah And I understand that can be scary. I get it. But like your relationship with this guy is going to work out. because of of you guys build trust, you Build communication. You can't guarantee how he is going to feel about you in a year. You can't guarantee that he's not going to break your heart or disappoint you You can't guarantee that to him either All you guys can do is keep working on like showing up for each other and working through You know these kind of things. And listen, there's a time and a place to hold them accountable or being like, yo, it's like You know eople have been dating people for five years without any progress. It's been nine months If he buys a house You know And a year goes by and he's still like notot then then, you know I would get a little antsy And yeah, you're thirty two, right You know, so do you want to have kids Of course. Okay And I imagine that's probably weighing on your head of this creating some urgency. You're still pretty young U and you have a good thing going with this guy. So try your best not to let things like, you know, I am at, you know, biological, you know, just like your're just the urgency around like I need I need to make this work And if it doesn't work, at, you know, you've never been this old, so it feels old Yeah. U And I imagine when you were twenty one U you thought at thirty two you would already have what all whatever you want, you you imagine you already thought you would have it. Yeah. That is what's playing a role and why you want this so bad None of it is going to help this relationship adding unnecessary pressure and just wanting it because like, hey, I want it's like because, you know, you've You want him to do it because if you've decided it will make you feel more secure today. Yeah, like commitment, more commitment. You know that you can move in with him and you can still break up. Yeah So it it's not that hard to Find a new apartment and hire a moving company So what added security are you getting by convincing him to move in with you. I guess N the other piece that I think of is when you live with someone, you can find out pretty quickly if has more compatibility. So yeah, but that Do you really think I'm imaging you spend a lot of time with him. you sleep at his house Sleeps at yours You're going to spend plenty of time with them. Again, I think that is something Like this this this discussion between your boyfriend is a tle as all as time and many people have had it Yeah And so all your talking points, I don't I would disagree. I don't think there's any insight you're going to get from moving in with him that you can't get by having your own place and still like spending three or four nights a week there You know, whatever weird habits he has or sp or whatever that you both have You guys will fully be able to learn that about each other. Okay, I can accept that. Yeahah, like relationships are scary but like, yeah, it's There are just a lot of other things that you can focus your energy on to give you the security that you need. It's just, you know, when it comes to your relationship. Mving in making someone move in with you isn't fully ready Definitely not the way Yeah Yeah. You don't want to live with a guy who's kind of like, you know, and again, it sounds like he really likes you. And I like again, the reason I told you that story is because when I was having these fights with that girlfriend I I fully thought I was going end up with her. Big part of the reason we didn' end up together because I never felt like when she wanted something, she was gonna get it come hell high water. That that made me uncomort. It made me uncomfortable that there was no reasoning that it was just like, you know And that honestly played a role in like it was the opposite. It had the opposite effect. that she thought it was going to have. It is a false flag, so to speak of is it a false sense of security to Um to get someone to agree to move in with you before they're ready and before you're engaged. I honestly, I think it would go a long way if you're just like, hey, I've been thinking about it Obviously, I want to move in with you, but like, I totally get it I honestly, I think I was just I'm just I really like you and I just I think I was I was putting unnecessary pressure on what it meant to move in, but like I guess I just I care more about us just like progressing our connection and haaving to be able to work through these issues I think that will go a long way If he buys this house And I don't think he has to ask you to move in right away. but a year goes by and it's still dragging his feet on engagement talk or moving in. Okay then maybe Th then it'd be fair to be like, well, what's next for us, you know Yeah, but it's eight months in. What's next for you? you guys still have a lot to learn about each other You know, so Be open to that. And let him buy a house And then when he buys a house, instead of immediately to, you know Like when do I get to move in withithout without Um taking over tryry to add value, you know, bring bring the, you know, help them Help him make his new house feel like a home No, don't be pushy, donon't take over Yeah, but H help them And that help like when I bought my place, the way Natalie like, you know, it's like it's one thing to have an apartment and being your mid thirties and and be like, I yeah, this this this feels like a guy lives here as a bachelor pad, you know and to have that awareness. But like, you know, you buy a house and it feels kind of Like you almost give yourself the ick to be like , okay. I'm an adult I have a house. It should feel like a home. And Nally made it feel like a home and it was just so nice to have a woman's touch, you know, It was just what you don't want to do is like don't take that opportunity away from both of you because you've grinded him down into saying yes because he didn't want to fight with you anymore Yeah And at this stage of your relationships, his reasons are valid. Okay, well, that's good. They don't, I don't think they're excuses Is this helpful Yeah, it was go I'm super open. I'm definitely not going to pressure him to live with live like live together. So I appreciate the perspective and I can see it. I'm not really on one side or the other. I can see your side. Yeah, honestly, I think you're just probably in your head a little bit, you know Probably. Yeah. you know, you like a guy. you're thirty two, you're maybe in your head about like notot being where you thought you would be early in your life, whatever and you're just getting a little antsy and want to just You want to know that this is going to be it And I think there's that part of you that says, okay, well Let's see if he wants to move in with because that will make me feel more secure if he does. And I think that's a mistake on your Okay, I can accept that. It doesn't tell you anything. It just adds unnecessary stress if one of those people feels a little uncomfortable about the timing. And you know, instead of thinking it this way, just remember, there are people out there who have been hanging out for eight months and he won't even be like, he won't even callalm boyfriend. He's like you know, you got that going. likeike you're doing okay. You're doing okay. Okay. takeake a beat I would and Find a way to communicate this to him that makes him feel like you guys came to this decision together and you appreciate the perspective and Obviously you're still excited about the day that you guys do moveim in with each other, but like you You acknowledge the points he's making. Yeah. I can do that And You don't always have to concede that, but like to whatever degree that U appreciates being heard Let them know that you heard him Okay. I can do that. And then, you know, if a year goes by and you still, you know, like then we can we can talk through it then and maybe think maybe things will change. But right now Just enjoy having a nice solid relationship after eight months was a lot of possibilities. All right. Okay, we'll do that. Thank you. All right. takeake care. I appreciate you You too. Thankk you. All right, A Wine is good, people, it's delicious. It's also kind of a pain in the butt to go to the grocy store and lug it home No one wants to do that. And that's why we are firstirst Leaf subscribers. so many benefits to First Leaf. One, they're sending you the wines that you want to drink and only the ones you want to drink directly to your door. So you no longer are going to be picking wine by the label and lugging them home. No one wants to do that. It's super easy. It's also fun. Firstly it starts with a quick quiz about your preferences and uses the information to curate wines specifically matched to your taste. Their wine arrives right to your doorstop. Every shipment comes with tasting notes and food pairing recommendations. which makes you like sound interesting and fun at a dinner party. Also, it's just kind of interesting to know the wine that you're drinking rather than me being like, I don't know, I picked it from a label. You control your delivery schedule completely. so it fits to your life. You can adjust your shipment or even skip a week. First Leaf offers one hundred percent satisfaction guarantee. I love that I always have a great bottle ready to go depending on the occasion. Also, it's you know, every time you go to a friend's house you want to bring something We always bring like a first leaf bottle and it makes you seem like a really thoughtful person, but all you did is go into your cabinet and grab a bottle. It's great So many great things about first Laf, but best part is the great selection of wines that they have available to you. stop settling for wines that don't quite hit the mark. head to try firstirst leaf dot com slash Vi L two sign up and you'll get fifty percent off your first box plus free shipping for an entire year. That's try firstirst leaf dot com T R y Fi R sT LF dot com slash vi Try first Leave d. com slash Vi a L I got to talk to you guys about brain edge. It's something that I've been getting from nature of suunshine and it's I feel like as I get older, you know, you know what, you know what brain fog is Well, it's a real thing. And thanks to Nature Sunshine and Brain Edge, I feel like that is something that affects me less and less. Brain Edge it combines traditional Ybaate with neurotropics, adoptgens, and botanacicals that help support mental clarity, focus and stamina. Whether it's supporting focus, skin health, digestion, or daily wellness, Nature Sunshine approaches supplements in ways that feel intentional and well thought out. We love a brand that practices what they preach and Nature Sunshine certainly does that, especially with clean, green, sustainable and wellness focused products Well, if you've been watching my chalk drawings, you know that I've been drawing some mountains and you probably saw me do one with with my chlorophyll stick pads, chlorophyll is like a it's like a miracle drink. I don't you know, it cleans your body. I mean, you can't detox enough with the stuff that's in the air and you're putting your body. I become a big detox guy. And the thing I love about the chlorophyll stick ps is they're delicious For me, the key of reducing my sugar intake is finding delicious things that are either low in sugar or have no sugar. In those chloropfam stick packs, zero grams of sugar with one hundred percent great taste. So check out Nature Sunshine for all the amazing products. they have, ethically sourced, clean sourced, and you can feel good about the things that you're putting in your body because they care so much about what they put in their products. Try Nature Sunshine and experience the difference with supplements that are better for you and the planet. Go to naturessunshine. com today and use the code ViL for twenty percent off Your first order plus free shipping. That's code Vi LL for twenty percent off your first order at naturesunshine dot com How's it going I'm good. My name is Charlie and I'm thirty I got dumped after agreeing to a lease extension and I'm just kind of wondering Who gets the dogs? How much kind of common courtesy? What I give to this individual before I up and leave or should he leave K of all over the place I love that you say it, you got dumped That That's what my first girlfriend in the sixth grade said to me Is that a weird? I guess ye, I got broken up with? That's fine. No, I'm just gonnaiving a hard time No, I like it. You're just like, you know, you sound angry, which is okay. There's a lot going on outside of that. so I feel like it's just hising is U So I lost my aunt two weeks ago and then u That's okay, sorry And then my estranged dad Alcoholic dad actually had a trip planned for elastic as well. So It's been a lot So and then in the middle of all of that. You're a strange dad, what? I didn't quite follow. Had a trip to come see me. Yeah. I haven't seen him in five years. Okay And that was also in the middle of all this. So just a lot of emotion. D that? Oh, sure, sure But that still happened or was happened? Yes. How'd that go? J came sururprisingly well, I'm taking it as a sign that I don't have bandwidth Re for anything else right now I thought I'd have that support system And I did not. So why didd you guys break up So We've had intimacy issues, I would say for like the past year I don't want to be MI but he has a massive He' well in doub. So That has created some issues It hurts, I bleed X, Y and Z, so I try to do all these things to figure out how we can kind of b about that because you know, I love him and This is the a relationship I want to be in. so I feel like it just kind of came to a head for him and I was unaware of how dire of an issue that is or was for him. And I feel like That just kind of add it up and then He also has fallen into a depression, I would say the last six months. And so I feel like everything for him is just heightened and I feel like he's just pointing finger. at the intimacy thing And the breakup kind of came out of nowhere. Obviously, if we renewed our lease. You selling it. like you' hopeful to possibly reconcile We haven't discussed, but I don't think I want to. Don't think you want to okay But I feel guilty saying that? Why? Because he's a good person and it's the best relationship I've been in. but Sorry, I hate Craig But the um Kind of what I've dealt with the last six months with him, L he's not my person and there's just not Like he didn't check me at the funeral. He didn't ask I was doing when she actually passed all that kind of stuff. So To me, that's not my person. so And then I'm just thinking big picture long term different things I don't think we're compatible at the end of the day and I don't think We can give each other the love the other person needs. Well, I know you're sad about saying that, but this is like great news Okay, I'll take that as a win I mean, like you have some clarity. Yeah. You know You have some clarity in a situation where a lot of people would struggle to have that clarity. Well, for one, he ended the relationship and it surprised you. and a lot of people in that position being rejected regardless of the situation would focus on the rejection part and just have to get back. And the fact that you have some clarity It's very telling Okay I think. Okay, you know, that's good. him ending the relationship at a time that feels really inconvenient for you makes you feel alone Right after you signed a lease feels like it came out of nowhere and yet you're kind of like Honestly, that you know, is is reallyally tell I think it's really telling it's I mean, it obviously took me There's a little back and forth And then once he finally did it, I was like, okay, I've kind of, I've done everything I can do. so I feel like I can walk away knowing I tried everything and I was making an effort Eespecially with theim intimacy stuff. I'm weaning myself off a medication that impacts my libido. I'm Go to therapy, I booked a boudoir shoot. like I'm in a libido class, like all these different things. In regards to that, I've done what I've needed to do, so I feel like maybe that's why I have a little bit of that clarity. Just out of he ask it, like the Lbido class and things like that, what's that originating from? Like to me, right now, sex is like not even a thought like I don't even want It's just never a thought. So I feel like him telling me, okay, if we don't work on this, like his essential thing was, okay, I would like to work on this with you. I love you Let's extend the lease and that will be our timeline to work on things Okay, cool. So I did I sign up for all of these things and then two weeks later he broke up with me. And just kind of curiously, is it like And nots at TMI not your comfort level, but It sounds like sex with him. is incredibly painful U which, you know Make sense, why It's difficult for you But But are you saying that like in the interim, Is it a lack of a desire of thinking about sex in general or just like having intimate moments with yourself or whatever? Or is it just like sex with him hurts, so I don't want to have sex I think that's going on in the back of my mind, but to me, it's not even a thought like I don't even want to masturbate, like nothing Because I'm assuming because of my antidepressants and all that, it's just not. Okay. Oh okay But it's not him thing and that's why I try to explain to him But as a partner that obviously has how do you feel like it's not you? I get where he's coming from. Sure But it's not a him thing So there are some you're taking some medication and where the side effects are known to lower your libido And he yes, and he and I discussed that before. He was a huge advocate for me going on them. I was against hit in the beginning. So that's also frustrating. Why was he a huge advocate for you to go on them just say? I was in a very, very toxic job where it was getting a little dark for me and I needed to help myself and that was the next step since I do suffer from anxiety and depression. getting on those did help me a lot. but it was scary for me because I know. side effects and this and that, but he was veryer gentle. if this is something you want to do, all these things. so it is a little frustrating that now it's being used against me When we discuss this is a potential from the medicine. Are you still in that job No, I left in October What was the job out of curiosity Hi I'm a bartender in Nashville There's a lot of not good things going on and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. Good for you for getting out. Oh yes, thank you. And what are you doing now I bar tends still. I'm trying to get into something else, but I'm out of a local bar that's nine dayays You feel good at least for your're at So much better. I've created a routine. Is that something you want to do forever or you want to do other things? Okay. I did take a course in sales earlier this year, so I am actively applying for that gain to build our future trying to build wealth and all these things and we Six months ago we're saving for a house So I'm just trying to better my future. Obviously, I'm getting older since I'm thirty. I know I'm not old, but I am aging out of the industry and I don't want to have kids and come home at three in the morning So I am trying to figure out a new career path for me. Well, the good news is is like, you know, bartending and waiting tables is a great side hustle and you can make some good money from it as you know. Um sales makes a lot of sense because you know, there's waiting. It's a sales job in a way. Yeah you know, just a heads up, you know, depending on what you're looking for sales wise. you may have to like be willing to grind and prove yourself in an industry, but you do have this part, you know, you can you can Make some extra cash bartending So there could be a period of time where you're capable of whichich is all to say you might have less personal time for a short period of time. Yes. What a perfect time to be single. U Well, back to your immediate question, like Who owns the dogs? He came into the relationship with one and then we got one together O he came into the relationship with, he got with an ex girlfriend who she was the one that pushed for the dog and they broke up a month after getting the dog, she pushed him and the dog out. so he gained the dog through that. Does he want the dog or dog? Do you know what he wants right after We have the initial conversation I said, well, what are we going to do with the dogs? And he said, I don't think we should separate them. And in the moment I agreed. And then he said, Well, do you want them? And I said, yes. And he's like, Okaykay well, you can have them. And I feel like he's just rolling over because he's the one that did it, which I'm okay with. But I feel guilty, Do we separate them? Do I the one we got together favors him The one he came into the relationship with favors me Do we do a clean cut, but that's technically his? I don't know. It's messy. I think it's D say it could be a lot messier from what you're telling. Okay. I mean, one, it sounds like he's offering the opportunity for you to have the dogs. But I feel like an asshole just being like, I'm taking the dog Well, you're not saying that. he's literally giving you the out My What is my opinion Yes. And this is just an opinion. To me, the absolute thing that can't happen is like some Weird Joint custody. Bulls shhit U And yes, like we have two dogs and we got Steve to be a companion for Jeff with River and they they clearly You know, are with each other They were they' dogs and they will be okay you can take them the dog part, but what you can't do is use the dogs as an excuse. for you guys to have to see each other for the dogs. I mean I agree. The rest will work itself out Yeah. I don't want to do custody. I've seen people do it online. It doesn't work out I think it's a key They're not real kids. ye we're not together I don't want to see you I don't want God forbid when you meet someone else and it's just like we got to Dg it's, you know Like and I love my dogs, you know, but like I If you're listening, you're doing that, God bless you, but it's I don't, it's not I don't. I it's It's a real nightmare in terms of individuals trying to move forward with their lives. I needed you to tell me their dogs and they'll be fine. 'causeuse I feel guilty. one, I feel like he's gonna have no one if I take both I feel guilty if I separate them Are they bonded? Are they this or that? I don't know. I think they'll recover At the end of the day, you all dos Is it rude if I take the one that he came into the relationship with? You know, before you told me that he offered, I mean the clean, you know, keep the dog, that's your dog and he can take his dog and if he's offering you to have both dogs. I think you just say, first of all, thank you. I mean, if that's what you want, if you would prefer to keep both dogs, be like, you know, thanks. Like I do think he needs to like I need you to just agree like this like Do you really want this And I need you to decide sooner than later because like I Once we decide'm There's no going back. And I think you just need to make that clear. There's no like I changed my mind. Qite frankly, he should probably sign something Honestly, yeah, because they're both under him. so I need to also get that fixed because I don't want there to be a contention. Yeah, I don't know. like ultimately like t think there' I don't know how that works, but I'm guessing just honestly just a piece of paper saying I give her ownership of these dogs, and you both sign it I like that. Thank someone would I mean again, like I don't know about you how petty he is and I don't know how much that would stand up in the court of law or whatever, but like it might just be enough to like just stop him from, I don't know, having a moment of messiness. if He changes his mind. I agree. I just can't tell the level he's a very nice person. So are you being nice I don't want to take advantage of his niceness in the breakup But it's also not my responsibility to feel bad for him Correct. But you know, the middle ground is to say Thank you I would like that Think about it for twenty four hours. Like I'm definitely taking But if if if Bpark is your dog. you have the right to keep him and the dogs will be okay Be. I need you to side because like once we like I just like I want this I don't want to be messy. I want us, you know, and like you probably should sign, you know, but like I don't, like in a month, you don't get to ask for him back. Yeah. Okay. I like that. And so that way you're giving him a chance to think about it. You're giving him an out. you're checking in, but like you just You know, once a decision' made You just, you know, you have a right to put your foot down T to me that's the middle ground What about the apartment So we have a two bedroom, everything that his mind has been moved into the master. He is now the guest room so everything is separate which is Ben super nice. defefinitely was sad to see everything look different. So it just feels like a roommate situation, but I don't know Do I have to save the duration of the lease? L do I? I've never lived at the partner before I've never been broken up with living with a partner before So I don't really know how to navigate. I don't want to leave them behind dry. I don't want to be here anymore I just don't want to know what you're doing or you coming home. like I don't know break up you both just have to figure it out. And it's not as complicated as it might feel or you want to believe it is You know, You're in your closet now. byy the looks of it, it's some kind of like modern apartment complex, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's run by some kind of major a perment management comp deffinitely leads to couples who have broken up. My guess is If you guys just break the lease, there's probably some kind of two month fee or fine or I don't it will cost you guys, but I don't think it will be Unaffordable It will just be annoying. Should I have to pay No, you should split it You think I should still have to pay even though I didn't. If you I'm saying option one is you guys break the lease and you both move out. If they're, whatever that cost in terms of penalties because there will be a penalty. And I guess it's like I think it's like I think it's your rat But it''s a certain like I don't think it's like you have to rent for the rest of your lease. I don't think I think you can give them notice and say, hey, we need to move out and need to break our lease. And they might like and they have to like they have to look for a replacement And I think it might cost you a couple of months of rent But look into it. I don't know the answers, but look into it. There's definitely a clear answer. and you might have to push back and there might be like renters have a lot more rights than leasers But look into it. It's going to cost you. I imagine it won't be outrageous. Even if it is thenen what, you know, can you afford it by yourself Yes but I don't want to stay and have the memories. I get it, buto can get over it That's fair You can change it up Yeah. That's true. I've done it. It's like you get over it. I don't know. you just get over it But Do you think If we do break it I should still have to pay a portion even though I'm not the one that you signed a lease together. You both made this you made a decision together assuming there was risk. you weren't married. He ended their relationship. by the way, you're kind of happy he did. Like this is not the time Like what you want? This to make this as easy possible for the both of you and just figure it out You have a sense of like, I don't want like I don't want to take advantage of them. I just want to do this right. So just as much as it makes sense You just you share the responsibility of this breakup together. If you felt very differently, then you know, there's a world where I would still think that would probably be the right way to do, but emotionally I would empathize that it might be hard for you to wrap your brain around You know, it's just like, hey, I didn't think you I don't I don't want this and why do I should be why should I split you know, I don't want this, but like you you're okay with this. So just right now this is about like getting through this period of time as smooth as possible And just so that you both can be okay Okay You just to sit down and be like, listen, let's just figure this out. and let's just make this easy on each other. And then you bring up the dogs and you give them a chance to think about it. and then you just draw like we should just I want to make this as easy as possible in both of us. So like what do you want to do Do you want to stay here? I would rather not stay here capable of staying here you know, let's find out how much it would cost us to break, you know, if he's like, I'd rather stay here. I want to stay here. you can be like, great Th you keep the place, I'll find a new one. Let's just I need you to sign over Like I need you to take fers, you know ase. Again, you're definitely not the first couple to rent an apartment to break So yeah, I just think you try to be as civil as possible, but act fast. Stop, you know, donon't do the thing that seems like you're kind of doing. you guys are just kind of living in this limbo because it just it feels too difficult to deal with right now and you don't know. like you know you know it's going to cost you to break the least and you know it's just like and you're might have to split up need to rip off the band aid because it's uncomfortable. Yeah Do you think He's going to change his mind. when you start acting kind of okay with this? I do think so because I haven't shown him that I'm okay with it. The only thing he has seen or heard have been like the breakdowns and stuff, which obviously with everything going on and the loss, that's going to happen do think he doesn't like feel the breakup yet He hasn't had to buy any of his own basic things yet, He hasn't had to buy food yet. overstockked right before this happened. So I feel like when the dust settles, he's alone he will try to maybe Reach back out. And I don't I don't wal back and forth. I'm a clean cut If we're done, we're done. Okay. well then youre just You just have to you know, unless that'll be difficult and he'll be okay. I dont you know, he'll be okay. I just feel bad I feel like because he's So depressed, he hes his job. hisis friends don't reach out It's like you're taking the one consistent thing away. I just feel bad It'll be okay. Okay you know, I don't want to sound like in, you know, but like, listen, like life is that's why I calledult. lifeife is, um He's gott to figure his shit out, you know? I don't know, you know You had a bad job, It really brought you down. You figured it out You know, life brings us some things that are unexpected. and I have to figure it out. You're not gonna to save it you're not brought on this world to save him And you can't save him And and you can't you can add value to his life if you guys chose to still be in this relationship, but he's got to figure his shit out U He's got to deal with whatever mental health struggles he has. I don't know what he's doing about it, you know Is he in therapy? Is he doing nothing? you know, sounds like there's things he could be doing that he's not doing. He's very anti. That's his responsibility. You could look for a new job. you could seek therapy. There's you know, medication in the right situations could be a thing. You sometimes you know, does he is he working out even You know, like, honestly, exercise. a a He has all these things he said throughout the relationship, He wants to. He wants to start going back to the gym. He wants to go out his friends. he wants to go after dinner. Now he's doing all of that. except for the gym Why didn't you do when we were together? I didn't stop you. I wanted you to go do that He was up my ass so much I wanted him to go out and Yeah. Well, listen, that's in the past and you know To me, that's telling me he's okay Listen, he's going to be okay Okay. I don't know when But even if he's not okay It's not your Not your responsibility While you were together, you tried to be helpful And And you did your part as his partner You know, relationships do end It's relatively mutual. and Even if he changes his mind, you have the, you know You have the right to live your life and be happy And I, you know, I get it when you're when you're down bad, it's it's easy to pile on yourself You have to get through it. That's why they say through it. You don't get around it, you don't get over it, you don't get under it, you get through it And he's got a figure his shit out Because like, well, correct me if I'm wrong, you know Despite him going through this, he is a He is a capable adult, right? L Yes. Yes, you know, he's not very capable. He's not to the point of He needs to be institutionalized because he's so helpless He will be just fine. I just have a lot of guilt being okay with it And I need to get over that I would you should feel relief I don't know why I don't and I don't know if it's M I will post this conversation I mean, how long ago did you guys break up? Two weeks ago Okay, so this is really raw. So like give yourself a little grace here Yeah, it's just super hard to do. And your feelings may change and fluctuate. I do think the fact that you can feel the way you do in this moment is very telling because like just just I just think the average person who is rejected in this situation would be prone to fight for something they probably shouldn't fight for. And I spend a lot of time talking to people T you know, my first caller today it was just like just trying to get her to be like, you don't need this shit in your life. We talked about all the reasons that are pulling her to fight for something that might not be worth fighting for And that's true. Like we it'ss We all do that, right? But the fact that you're like you had a moment of clarity in a time where you would be prone to I was fully expecting to be like, all right, like to have to convince you that maybe this is for the best And I didn't, you know, you were like, I already, I think this is for the best And again, you do a week from now, you might have second thoughts and be sad and In this moment, The fact that you have the clarity that you have is you know, I think it's telling and I think it's important that you trust that feeling that you have want to hang on to that because I do think even to me, it doesn't feel real. I'm still in the space. really has changed, so I do think it will hit me when I'm out, but I do agree if I'm already here In this amount of time, that's you go But I just yeah, I'm just over the time. I think this weekend You should have the uncomfortable conversation to say, Hey, listen, Let's figure out our next steps. You know, something maybe be sweet where it's just like I know we really care about each other and I'm really, really grateful that in this moment, I still feel that with each other and I'm glad that this isn't gotten hurtful or spiteful or ugly, just like if nothing else, I just I know we're going have a positive memory. and We may not be right for each other. Andn that sad But I am grateful we both feel sad about it. And I just I just want to thank you for making this, you know, doing your part to make this is is less painful. Don't use the word easy. less painful. less painful But we do need to figure this out So like what do you want to do And I I if more than anything, let's let's agree that we just need to share and the responsibility of figuring this out So We should share in the costs But like what do you want? againain, and you need just say, I'd rather not be here, but I can be here if you really don't want to Oh, but if you want to be here, I'm happy to leave. I think we can agree that like doing the roommate thing. socks. Yeah, it's not. Again, I'd love the dogs I want that. I want to make sure that you are actually okay with it And I don't want, you know, but I and what I do And I hope we can agree that we don't like