Letting Go Of The Need To Be Right

Monday. com AI agents took over my work. And I absolutely love it. Chasing deadlines, writing status reports, updating stakeholders. Agents handle the daily grind now. I stay in the loop only when it matters. Create your own AI agent in minutes on Monday. com Campus life is full of compromises, tiny dorms, zero closet space. But with Home Sents, you can overpack stylish beddings, storage, and decor without overspending Home Sems, the home of No compompromise, part of the Home Goods family Good, how are you? Good, What's your name I am Stacey. I'm twenty years old and I am wondering if I should marry my boyfriend so that he can get a green card Okay You're really gonna have to convince me. A lot going on there Yeah, Well, you're only twenty I don't know, I mean, it was like taking the first First thought Uh Tell me about the situation. So I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. I met him last June. He was working in Colorado for the summer. He's from Turkey and was here on a work visa We began dating in July and kind of headed off right off the bat. September rolls along, I go back for school and he ends up overstaying his work visa expiration date and The top came up of eventually getting married so that he could stay brought it him but obviously like, you know, there was a mutual Kind of, okay, what do we do now? You like them. so there's that. I do. Okay. I do This is a first boyfriend for me. first like official boyfriend. I've had I've gone through all the situationships, but I feel like That might be a small part I should mention as well. I mean, it's definitely a first work for me. the F like reasons why not too Mhm Maybe it's a time father, but, you know A what are what are your what's your family? That I brought it up to my mom and my mom obviously is like, no, do not do this. like She She wants to support me in the best way she can and she knows that I really do love and my relationship with him at the same time, you know, I'm her first daughter, so she does not want me getting married at twenty years old. Yeah, yeah. She wants to support me in the best way she can certainly you would miss them M if you had to go back, but why why why would you want to do this So the thing is since he kind of has passed that deadline, if he were to go back home, he cannot come back is one of the main big things. He has had friends that have come here and they just not come back. There's like a two year wait kind of thing. and then even after that, it would be really hard for him to come back Um And so there's a two year wait or you can never come back. It's a it's a two year I know for sure there is a two year rule after you do come ono work visa, there's a two year wait. Um, but they're they're kind of stingy with how they let people in and who they choose to let people in. So if they see that like he's come here before, they're typically going to pick someone or like let more people in that have not been in before D So not impossible, but I understand difficult. What are the reasons to marry him? He's done a lot for me outside of just Like In our relationship, I was without a car for quite a long bit of time and he literally just let me have his car. He drove it down to me and literally just let me have it. He's done a lot for me in other areas too where it's like I don't necessarily go You know, I don't necessarily like to go out and brag about things but he's I do really love him and I do see a genuine future with him. and so I feel like for me in my hood, it's like, okay, all I have to do is go sign a paper. and then if we don't want to keep the marriage status, then we can Divorce Maybe yeah. I guess. How can I be helpful? I mean, I think I mean, I can tell you, I don't think you should do it I can tell, you know, do you want me to explain all the reasons why, you know, but I imagine you anticipated me suggesting that? Yeah, yeah, maybe a little bit. The thing I'm stuck between is I feel like I'm going to regret either way. L we've talked about it a bunch of times and I feel like going both ways, like if I don't, know I have a feeling that I'm going to regret it and I'm gonna be like, but like our relationship was so good. L I feel like I'm looking for reasons not to because as of right now It seems so simple to me, It's as it's just signing a paper. Well, let me help you give you reasons not to. U like listen, the biggest thing is you're only twenty years old. in the difficult part for you I mean, without, you know, and I'm sure the challenge your mom has and your parents have or anyone el, you know is in the challenge I'll have like as my daughter to get older Like how do you ch how do you teach perspective? You know,, you know, you're twenty years old today is the oldest you've ever been You know, you've never felt this old Today And when you're ninety, it'll be the same. You'll be like, oh, well, I wish I was eighty again. You know,s there's a limited amount of perspective that you have. Like I could sit there and tell you, boy, just wait to get older, but like it's, you know, it's harder for you to conceptualize. This' something I think about a lot. You know, I'm forty five years old. I'm married. I got a kid. I got two kids on the way You know, now and I have been together for I've known it for seven years. It blows my mind when I think about it, you know , because time does go fast. You know, my first girlfriend I met when I was eighteen you know, we had one of those like Typical like first love relationships, and we got together and we broke up a bunch of times. Sheoos my life for seven years I met her at eighteen. We broke up, finally broke up when I was twenty five She was such like a huge part of my life in that period. I mean, like, Tuly. I mean it's kind of almost embarrassing when I think about it, but like with all the toxicity in that relationship, there was just a lot of like emotional highs and lows. And it was just like she consumed the vast majority of like my emotional energy. This person is a fever dream in my life today. Like they're a distant memory Like she at one point was like this She was kind of my whole life, you know? I mean, very close with my family. I mean, we were very You know, we were there for seven years And now Now I don't like, I don't know I don't know anything about her You know Um and it's kind of crazy I always like as I get older, that always like It kind of blows my mind sometimes where I just have these memories of a of a different life You know, I, you know, I As, you know, you you'll be able to reinvent yourself, you know, you just have so much Life in front of you that you can't you don't even know what that's going to look like. I remember I remember being eighteen as my freshman year of college And you know, like a lot of college freshmans, I was a little homesick U and I met my my my then first girlfriend like right before college, right? So I met her in the summer before college and I was look in love and I just like all like all my first freshman year of college, all I did was miss My girlfriend That's that's that was the that was the majority of my freshman year. I was missing my girlfriend because she didn't go to the same college as me. And I was so kind of just like love struck that I remember like I wanted a college. I want like her dad was in construction. I was like, I'll just be a handyman, you know, like I just like I I was convinced that's all I wanted to do. And then and then we broke up And then I, you know, her grandfather was a te I mean, this is nuts, but her like her grandfather was a teacher and she was like she just break up with me for reasons and I was always trying to figure out how to get her back. I had convinced myself that I want to go back and be a teacher. Like I was like ser like I convinced my parents U, and I was pretty dead set on it Um, And then finally, I realized I was too money motivated to be a teacher. Listening to you at this stage of your life, twenty years old thinking about making this very serious decision. Now you're right, people can get divorced you know, And I certainly know people who have made similar decisions the one you're considering making. Um, And you know, sometimes it's just like, is it a sim, you know, it seemed like it was as simple as maybe you are hoping it would be if it doesn't work out. like, we'll just sign a paper divorced or whatever, but you're just putting an immense amount of trust in someone that like you're still getting to know Right? now to like count, you know, your're the biggest reason why If I'm sitting here and I had like thirty seconds to try to convince you not to do it. would be like, it's your decision tree, I guess is a little hypocritical And what I mean by that is like You're tired about marriage You're talking you like And part of your like, I can't think of a reason not to do it. And you're also like thinking, I feel like damned if I do damned if I't, I'm going to regret it either. But I think that's a little inaccurate because I think you have to what will the regret look like you know, so to speak. And what's the best and worst case scenario of either? I would argue to you, that If this is And this is where you'll probably be resistant to receiving and a little stubborn, you know, I would be if I were in your shoes. It's one of those things like, you know, you've, you know, if you if you, you know, set it free for whatever it. I don't know what the saying is. but like the point is is if like if this is If this relationship is as strong as you think it might be and you hope that it is, then you guys will make it work And if he is really all about you, he'll figure it out. You know, people have done more than than what is potentially in front of them. to make a relationship That was truly meaningful to them work And if he really loves you and if you really are worth spending the rest of your life with, You'll make it work You'll go to Turkey. He'll figure it out I understand two years is not ideal. I understand there's no guarantees after two years. B he can figure it out. And I think right now, he's in a situation where he's pitching you. He's selling you and you really he And you trly couldn't possibly figure out how It's like honestly in a weird weird way, you guys are kind of like you're on the bachelor You know what I And what I mean by that is I remember on my first time I went on the bachelor And I remember going in very kind of skeptical, being like, all right, I'm gonna go for through the experience. I don't know what this is going to be like. But then once I showed up, I was like, all, I'm here. so I'll just kind of immerse myself in this kind of social experiment and I'll just kind of let myself, I'll go with it. I was attracted to her. And then, you know, we had some chemistry. W't you know, we hit it off pretty fast And I remember talking to a producer when they were like checking in and asking how I was feeling and I you know, and I was self aware enough to know that I was, you know, I'm very competitive, you know, And then this is an environment where you're competing with like twenty some other people. And I remember being like, I couldn't tell the difference of like how much was what was it more of my competitive side? Was it the atmosphere? Was it this controlled environment that was really causing me to feel what I feel? Or was it these truly authentic feelings And this kind of like our compatibility, our chemistry, whatever it was. And I truly couldn't tell the difference because I was in such this kind of crazy situation. And you guys are in this crazy situation And I no doubt you guys like each other and no doubt there's some real love and mutual interest there But he is literally fighting in a way for his like life. if he wants to stay here and he doesn't want to go back to Turkey and I don't know what it's like in Turkey and you know and You know, in some of those situations real desperation could set it And he could be convincing himself of how he feels so that he can convince you It's not even necessarily machiavellian or, you know, like, you know, manipulative in a way that's like, you know, he's really, you know, you could be all feeling in completely genuine from his part But he has he needs to make this work, you know? And so it's it would be almost impossible for him to truly know the authic authenticity of his feelings and you as well And I think that's just a huge risk and your part bet on a relationship and a person that like who who who's in a situation where it's hard for them to be to know how authentic they're being You know, marriage can be very difficult to get out of and it can be very devastating and also just breakups in general can be devastating. And, you know, You know, I would just hate for you to make such a big decision that can Truly, change your life forever. So when I say like the pros and cons, the best and worst case for either If you don't marry him And he goes back to Turkey From what I can gather, the worst case scenario is you never see him again I would argue that for that worst case scenario situation to happen He, you too would have to give up on each other. If this man truly wanted to make it work And he got this far. We got here, met you seemeems like a hard worker If you're worth it, he'll find he'll find a way. So the worstase scenario of him moving back of you not seen together I think has more to do with you guys giving up on each other and less to do with like you know, the country of Turkey or the United States of America is going to like stand in your way of love. Yeah On the flip side, you marry him, the worst case scenario is ff, man, there's a lot of them, you know, like he's not who he says he was, you know, like or you know, and that not to get all like But more importantly, like it's just like He is he is this person, but like you still don't know entirely who he is and also like how does he by the way He is going be turning twenty here So he's also incredibly young, you know? And so like you both just have a lot of life to live. I think there's just a lot of Unknown possibilities in both of your lives that make the two of you working out that much more difficult you know, and then what if you guys had kids together or whatever? It's just like If this doesn't work out, this could make the next ten, fifteen years of your life really difficult really emotionally challenging Yeah as opposed to like, you know He moves back to Turkey You guys keep in touch. You have this like long distance boyfriend. you miss him a lot, you're sad. you don't get to see him physically, you know, obviously Faceetime, but then like things get weird or he gets distant or you meet someone or he meets someone and then, you know, you'll you'll have to go through like a breakup and that will suck. and it'll be difficult to get over. But that will be like, you know, that'll take you six to twelve months tops, you know, and then you'll And then you'll move on. You just will. It'll you just factually will And then two years later Almost certainly you'll look back and you'll be like, Do you remember when I almost married to that guy from Turkey? And you will be like, holy, that's crazy. Like you just you just will, you know? Like you Even if he's the greatest guy ever, if it doesn't work out, it's just, you just will. like there's And your feelings could change in a dime and his feelings could change in a dime. It's just like you have so much life in front of you that it's hard not to like be you know, um to explore new ideas and things and have it really change your perspective. And this would really limit you. I've been a lot doing a lot of talking. What are your thoughts? What about what What about anything I said? connects with you. I definitely agree with like limiting my like the rest of my life, I've definitely had that feeling too. The issue with not getting married is I don't think he would go back. I think he would stay here and That would make things hard for me is knowing that he's still here and that he's like I think it would be actually easier for me if he if I knew for sure he was just going to go back and I would never see him again. you don't marry him then what happens next? He stays in the United States. But what about what about the two of you? I think he would try to pursue other ways to stay? I mean, that's got to be your answer. His motivation top priority right now. is not you It is staying here And you can be a priority. And again, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or love you and it doesn't it doesn't mean you're not his first choice Mhm but you're not as top priority It would be a while. You would be literally betting against yourself And you would be betting and and in your life would be the pod. And I just think Listen, I get the thing I'm going to struggle with the most with my daughters as they get older is just to try to like And it's the thing that's hardest to teach is again, perspective. Like I I wish I could just like reach through the screen and like like like some kind of like wizard and put like my hands over your head and like you would like have the type of like perspective of I've have gained over the years. I think that what teaches people that is' the real like when I talked about like the memories I have, that like I had this whole life and I remember these insane emotional highs and lows from that life. momoments of like I can't go on or, you know, just like feeling intensely strong about person in this relationship Mhm onlyn for them to be a distant memory. It's like It's almost a fever dream. and I think about just Friends I've made You know, if I married that girl I mean, I literally amm not sitting here today. You know, my life is completely different. I you know I don't go on TV. I don't, you know, I don't I don't, you know, like I would not be able to have accomplished so many of the dreams I've been able to accomplish If I had done that I had to wait til I was thirty three before like some crazy shit happened where I got a phone call and someone was like, Hey, you want to go on this TV show and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like, you know, and listen, I'm not saying you sit around and wait for some crazy things to happen, but like so much about your life and so much about my success and happiness in life has been my ability to show restraint and to is someone who's not a patient person to practice a little patience and to think about things long term And If that, you know Another bit of advice I could try I wish I could hope I could teach my daughters. is to like in your decision tree of life Especially when when you're younger, I think it's harder to think long term. And I think most people have a hard time thinking long term when they know exactly what they want in the short term What you want is him and you want to feel that security. of not missing him and losing him That's all you really want right now. if he wasn't from Turkey. L you You would be like he would be like, thrilled with the boyfriend status. The better you get and you will we always get better and that comes with perspective, but the better you can get at just like considering But your decisions today, how they can affect you long term and taking those seriously and recognizing that I don't know like five years seems like a forever from now, but it will come And when it does, I want to I want to be as I want to be even happier then than I am today. If you can get if you can get good at that little'll it'll little'll It willll help you in life so much because so many people just struggle with that. you know, I tell like people I know are like your decisions matter. Yeah So much of people in life are like, well, if it's meant to be, you know, everything happens for a reason, Pay on it and not to discount people's faith, but even for the religious people out there At least the Christiions You're told to believe in free will And the greatest gift we're told as Christians is that God gave us the ability to choose. And some choices work out and some don't. You know And hopefully the ones that you make that don't work out, will you're willing to learn from them And then you can say things like everything happens for a reason, mostly because you were willing to learn. But we make choices that suck And they're hurtful us and our people around us. And there and I think the better you can get at just knowing that, just be like, listen, my decisions matter. I'm going to make good choices. I'm going to make bad choices I'm going to have to live with some of the consequences of the bad choices. Hopefully Ill learn. But like But my choices matter. I'm not just making choices, knowing that like Destiny will take care of the rest. The fact that you can confidently say that if you don't marry him He's going to most certainly stay in the States and as much as he might like you and love you. He is going to try to find another woman to marry is all the information you need to know. Yeah You have everything in front of you Yeah. and And you don't know what you you don't even know what you're risking. I couldn't even have imagined at twenty years old That thirteen years later, after I had thought that I had put a whole like decade of effort and work into my professional career, that I would completely changed my life and completely changed my career and just like just it was almost like two different lives. And I couldn't I literally couldn't have imagined it. and I wouldn't even know what I'm saying no to M or saying yes to Think of your wildest dream And consider the possibility that this decision would cost you that Yeah, I feel like what just makes it so hard for me is you're feel heartbroken. Yeah. I mean, that's what sucks. You know that if you make this That's, you know, this is like truly This is like this this is literally like a waterh like a waterhel. I don't know the definition is. Not only could you be making a like A very difficult decision that's going to make you sad, but you making that decision knowing that it's what's best for you long term is going to be such a great lesson for you. I can't even explain it. and I hope that you make it for yourself because that's kind of my point You're right If you make the right decision in the short run, it's going to it's going to hurt and it's going to feel like the wrong decision and it's going to be heartbreaking and you're going to be really sad and it's going to tear you apart. And to to your point, knowing in your gut that he's probably not going to leave to stick around you anticipate having to do the whole like watch his Instagram stories? Do I not? You know, like am I to drive myself crazy wondering what he's doing? And J am I going to be regretting my choice? and would it just be easier to say you know, that's how you're thinking right now. I could just sign a marriage certificate And all my short term problems and worries and concerns will go away. I will have him And that sounds a hell of a lot easier than six months of heartache and pain. But you'd be trading six months of heartachche and pain for a lifetime of possibility and possibility of all your wildest dreams come Yeah, it's just it will be sad and like I'm aware that I'm doing the most that I can to avoid that, but I I amm just not doing a good job. You know, every other day I'm just like Well, what if things can be okay? and what if it ends really good? And then, you know, obviously what if it ends really bad? And so I'm just in between that every other day. What do you mean what do you mean by the end's good or bad? What if we do just get married and then I can do that for him and then L it's hard for me because I know like thingsings that are going on back home too And so I know that like me doing this would change his life ultimately. Like I don't know. in a way, I almost feel like I not that I owe it to him, but I want to I want to be able to do that for him U, because I know he's done so much for me too Yeah, definitely not the same. Letting him use your car, letting you use his car is not the same as you sacrificing your entire future. Mhm. Yeah, and' not And you also don't owe him Anything. What you have here is an opportunity to be kind of a hero and that feels really good you know, and that is also a driving force that you have to consider that you like you You're given us this opportunity to feel really good about doing something really significant for someone you care about. And that's potentially also great feeling. You'll have more of those You know, that cost you less. Yeah. You're going to have to make this decision And this is the challenge that you have. Everything inside you telling you, that you should sign that paper because you know how it's going to make you feel in that moment And that you might be a little scared. you might have a little bit of like, what did I do? but you'll ultimately be like, I have him and I'm happy. and any like fears or like concerns you have, you will quickly just kind of like Tuck away because in that moment you will be you will both be so high on We have each other. He's like, I got I get to stay. If you don't marry him You know that you know the feeling you're going to feel right away, which is probably heartbreak and sadness and pain And whatever, whatever Good is going to come out of the decision That deep down you know is probably the right one You're going to have to wait for that and you're not going to you don't know what that's going to look like. And that could be years away. And to make it even worse You'll still have to deal with those sadness and heartbreakaking pain and that's that's the challenge That is making decisions for the long term And the people who are good at that Bet lives, they just do you know, maybe this is my like analytical math brain The more good decisions you make, your life's going to be better than if you make more bad decisions. And you know, a good decision can still not turn out. When you make decisions based off of doing, you know Thinking more long term and avoiding the short term gratification When you consider that more often than not, you're making a healthier and better decision for yourself. Like I was saying, it's just so brain can't comprehend like What? go wrong essentially. I'm like, okay, like if we sign a pre upp, like he's had friends that have gotten citizenship within three months after getting married. And so it's just like all I have to do is sign a paper. We can keep our finances separate. Whenever he gets his citizenship, we can get divorced. If it doesn't end up working out, we can break up And that would be me changing like everything for him. essentially And I' just at what cost for me Would that take away You don't know the cost. you don't know the cost Yeah. It could literally be like money. It could be like it could be five million dollars You know, something could happen in five years and you could be in a position where whether it's some kind of job or like some I don't know, miss something I know I'm making crazy shit up, you're going to have to make this decision. Knowing that your body is telling you one thing in your heart But you know deep down, while you don't know why or what what likeike what you're getting in replace of that because you know you're only going to get sadness right away. You're going to have to make that decision knowing that It's the best decision, but you don't have the answers as to why it's going to be the best decision And that is the challenge of life. and that is the that is the biggest challenge. peopleople in your shoes and people at your age That's biggest challenge. If you can make that decision now in your life and you can feel generally good about it. I promise you your life will will count better than if if if you don't get good at these decisions. Then listen, if you marry them, I'm not saying your life's over. B byy any stretch of the imagination, who knows? You guys could be married forever and have a family together. It'd be great, you know possible. And you could like date and get married and get divorced or And in the short run, be like, well, is that painless? I don't know. But like who knows? who knows how who how, you know, you meet a guy five years later and he's like, wait, you were married and why? And like, I don't know. And like, you know, maybe if he's It's just like you just don't know how what kind of complications it can have on your life? Yeah, and I feel like that's probablybably the hardest part for me But is just the not knowing. Most importantly He you are not his number one priority and you know that And it's understandable. It's okay. He's you know, probably fighting for what he thinks is like survival or whatever But you can't marry a guy who's you yourre not, you know, like Second lesson, I hope you Whatever happens with this guy, assuming you don't marry him Don't marry someone if you know you're not the number one priority I would almost argue that I was originally when we first started dating because he didn't he did not end up planning to stay. And then, you know, we got together and then things kind of just fell into place. but I definitely found I don't believe I don't believe I don't know. I'm not say well again, only because you're just like, well, if I don't marry him, he's going he's going to find someone else. So it's not like So which one is it? was it was it being in the United States or whatever is going on in Turkey that actually made him so committed to making sure he can stay here or or falling in love with you U madeade him what fall in love with United States, but he's also not willing to just make it work with you. L you know, like he could stay here and still date you You know, like He could he could be like, all right, well, you know, staying here is a risk. I, you know, they could catch me. they could send me back. That's all possible Yeah, but I know I love you and I want to be with you. so let's just be together and, you know, and then I don't know. Two years from now, maybe you know they don't send me back and we've known each other for two more years and we're still in love and maybe that's a different decision. But you don't even think he's gonna to do that So it doesn't make it logically doesn't makes, you know, like I'm not trying to take anything away from you. I think he really likes you. I'm sure he does. I think he cares about you. no doubt. But you know, there's a lot on his plate right now and there's a lot on both your plates and that's kind of the point is we can sit there and debate and second guess and we can be like, oh, But like Neither of you really know how important this relationship is Both of you and how strong it is and how much it's worth giving up because you have too much on your plate and other things to consider. And it's again, it's like me trying to figure out how in love I was while filming the Bachelor, it's just like you know, there's a lot of things causing you guys to feel how you're feeling that have nothing to do with how you guys are going to work out I guess I feel like and I should have mentioned this before, but he has said before too, he just wants Carity almost. He just wants an answer. He said he'd be like he said if you don't want to get if you don't want to do this right now, that's fine. We can wait two or three years, but he just wants an answer he wants to know if he can stay and pursue this or if he needs to figure out a different plan, whether that's going back or whatever he chooses to do. I think all you could practically say is listen, I, you know Sounds like you love them I love you. I care about you. I'm also just not crazy. we just we also like H haven't been dating that long, but up But yeah, I'm obsessed with you I love you. I want to make this work, but I can't marry you. And I hope you stay on I don't want to make I don't want you to make decisions that put you at risk. but yeah, personally, I hope you stay and I want to keep dating and I want to see where it goes. I can't promise you how either of us are going to feel in two years But yeah, like I'm crazy about you. And right now, I hope that You know, that you're my person, but I don't Know that you are And that's all you can say And he and that should be enough for him Yeah. And if it's not And it probably won't And if it's not, that tells you again that his object, his priorities aren't with you in this relationship. I really appreciate your input Um It definitely has put some other things into perspective for me, especially like saying like, what I could be missing out on that definitely plays a big part. You should I mean, again, the only correct way for you to try to visualize it is to just List five of your wildest dreams and and be like, I'm going, I'm going to have to give some of these up Mariam. You will survive this It'll be sad You know? And if he's really if if this relationship And you are really worth it to him. He'll make it work. Yeah And I think more than anything, you got to trust that. Don't do the thing that so many of us do, which is to discount your worth and what you bring to the table and make concessions for a person or a relationship who's not willing to make those same for you. And I'm glad he let you use his car. That was very nice of him It is not the same Yeah And who knows? it could still work out with him But the fact that you in your gut feel like it's not going to work out you say no should be your answer. And that's the challenging part I just feel like even if I say no then I like I want to like I can't I struggle with letting go and I want to like I care about him and I want him to even if we don't end up getting married and he decides to go back home like I want to be there to help him. I want to help him figure things out. Yeah. That's nice. but like part of you wanting to do that is just to keep him close. If he needs an answer, you should give him an answer. I hope you give him A no answer, but the rest of how things are going to play out, just let it play out You know, you don't really know how things' going to go. He certainly doesn't know But just don't sacrifice your future It's now worth it Yeah. than you. All right Yeah, takeake care. Okay. than you. Let us know what you decide. Yep. All right. Thank you. Thanks for that. Be What's up everybody? Don't forget that all V Files Pus content is ad free. 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That's article. com slash viLL For fifty dollars off your first purchase of one hundred dollars or more How's it going Hi, I am Chelsea. I'm twenty five and I'm considering getting back with my sex addicted ex boyfriend Um, okay Figure it out. I could give you like the whole backstory Well, that's gonna start with, you know, just your sentence I I'm concerned getting back together with my sex addicted ex boyfriend. That's all that's all It's a loaded sentence. There's a lot in there So I'm assuming when you say sex addicted that is your He's cheated on you, Yeahah? We dated for eight months and I found text message in his phone that he was seeking out hookups another another man behind my back And so I found the message and his phone And I left and I was like, I'm done. You know, I didn't even speak to him whenever I saw it. I I left and then I ended up texting him later and said, You're hiding who you are. I can't be with you cheating is not okay in any instance And He responded and was like, I'm sorry and then So himself into therapy like day started going to therapy And what do you mean checked himself into therapy? He got a therapist or he went Yeahah, he immediately got a therapist That sound a little more intense than it sounds like he checked himself into like some sort of no, no.ill it. like he just he just got a therapist Yes, he got a therapist like the next day. I didn't speak with him or anything for two weeks and then He ended up texting me like, can we talk And so we ended up talking He came over and we just spoke and Basically to find out he had porn addiction that I had no idea about He was watching porn like every night that we weren't together. Like what do you like like he would watch it and masturbate and be done or he was like Yeah he's going on like, you know, porn marathons No, just that, like he would watch it and be done. I mean, like listen, I definitely think like, you know, there's a whole conversation about like the porn industry, how readilyail it's available to everyone and especially young people And it definitely, I think has a lot of negative consequences on our psyche. And this is not necessarily a great thing But I think, you know a lot of guys out there who are watching porn on some like on that level of consistency, which is like ultimately like use it as a visual stimulant if they're masturbating and what and whether they're in or out of a relationship, like masturbation is a fairly like common thing just people do, especially young men Which is all to say, it is it just Hana sounds like from the little bit you've already told me And I'm happy to hear more that he is still processing who he is. and what's going on. And he is coming up with other things that sound easier for him to accept than maybe whatever the truth is. you know, it's like, I have a porn addiction. I don't. maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. I don't know, but like I guess does it, you know I don't know if him masturbating toope some porn every night I don't think that made him go online and seek the companionship of another person, let alone a man So is he confused about his sexuality? Is he figuring that out? Is he bisexual? Is he gay? So I can give you more background because I know a little bit more now. I actually talked to him earlier this week, but He started going to therapy and he basically rediscovered these traumas that happen to him as a child and things that should happen to no child. And I don't want to get like too much into this it's not really my story to tell, but he had like compartmentalized these things that happened to him and he never He never spoke about it to anyone He kind of just kept it in. he didn't tell, you know, his parents when something bad happened to him. And so now he's like He's never really been like vulnerable about this stuff. And so now he's like telling anyone and everyone, he's telling his friends, he's telling his parents He's going to therapy and He's doing all these things. and so For me, it's like Our relationship, so before this, like our relationship was very good. likeike he was my best friend. We were having so much fun together. We had never really been in like threw anything hard. we were just it was like, it really was sunshine and rainbows. And we dated for eight months And then I found the messages and then that was like it like there was never really anything bad about our relationship. There's so much like we have so much love for each other and even I've spoken to him twice since I found the messages in the first one. He was like, I'm trucking myself into therapy. I really need help. like this is reallyally bad that I'm just living like this and now I know I have a problem because I've hurt you and I like hurt the people that I love and I didn't even know I had a problem, but now that I'm speaking about it, I know that like, there's a plan and like a path forward for me to get through all this shit.' I'm kind of at a point where I really am just going back and forth. Okaykay, well He is like my person and we love each other so much and we have so much fun together and I can't see myself really with anyone else. It's been about two months since since like the initial breakup. So it's only been two months, but And How long did you date before? How long you date? Eight months.. It's all just new So I'm kind of at a point where I kind of am feeling like I don't know what to do, whether it's to see if like maybe the therapy can help him and like You know, he's never addressed these issues before, but it's like some dark heavy shit. L it's the dark stuff. I can only I can only imagine and Just trying to imagine what it could be. of empathy for him and it sounds like yeah, and I'm also like grateful that he has acknowledged that he just needs to do some work and him doing that will probably save him in a lot of meaningful ways. So I am grateful that he is open to that and willing to do that. The fact that he's doing that is I'm sure encouraging for you to see him do that and I'm sure to whatever a part, like you said who loves him and cares about him as a person, feels like that's a pathway for you for forgiveness and I imagine that you're thinking, okay, if he stays the course there and gets and does the work that like The challenge you're having right now I assume, and let me know if I'm wrong Inside, you know The catching him messaging another man and whatever happened there to cause you to break up. You now know that you are capable of forgiving him and you are capable of letting that go You have processed that. You have gotten the necessary information from him that help explain it to the extent of you being like, you know, that sucks that hurt me, but like I can I can process that, I can forgive it, I can move on But I just can't have it happen again and I don't want to be lied to and I don't want to live in Cfusion territory and I don't want to be looking over my shoulder, wondering if you're doing it again And the fact, you know, and there's this path for you to like be with him assuming he continues to do the work You know, and that's very enticing for someone who cares about someone the way you seem to care about him You know, but like, you know, you're not engaged, you're not married, you don't have kids together, you don't have you're not even together My advice to you would be you know, let it play out. You know, it's like you have no reason to have to be with him in this moment other than you want to, which makes sense. You know, there's no let's say this happened after you just got pregnant. You're three months pregnant. He's the father You check the phone, you find this. It's devastating. And you're like, oh my Godd, like I'm Like I'm curious to pay me on. Wow, What am I do? Like say you were married let's say you were even engaged. You were like maybe it wasn't as heavy as like being, you know, a mom but you had done nine months of wedding planning you had spent tens of thousands of dollars. And even then, like I would you could definitely, you know, the most pragmatic answer would be like maybe just wait. but it would be at least understandable at that point for you to want to be like to muscle it through to take that risk based off of the fact that like at least'm not I'm not crazy. It's still risky He is in therapy. He has addressed this. I know he's not a monster. I know he's not just some like you know, psychopath narcissist who doesn't care about my feelings and cheated on me and I can't trust him. Like he is a human being who's Dalt with some terrible tragedy. I have empathy for him. I can forgive him. There's a path forward Even then, like it would be like, okay, I kind of makeakes some sense, but you haveone you have no commitment to him other than your heart is a little, you know drawn to him So Just let them do the work You know, if he really is your person, you know, let him do the work. let him heal, give him some time. You know, it seems like right now he's going through a lot and trying to make a relationship with you might be like more than he can handle right now even though he might say he really wants it And also getting back together with you will be a distraction for him for the work he needs to do And not having you will probably keep them motivated. You know, staying the course off where you are now will give you a lot more clarity In the next six to twelve months Then my my fear with that is that I'm going to like get out there and try to go on dates or something and it's just like not going to be him. likeike I'm not going to be Well then there you go. Well again, I said like that will get I'm not going to be laughing so hard. I'm crying And then it's going to be like, oh, but I miss him. But then do you think I'm I'm just going to be like settling because I'm Oh, well, I tried all these other people. I don't know let me just I don't know. Go back to the one that I'm comfy with. I don't know because I'm not having fun with these other ones. You have to be open to, you know, that will that's kind kind the clarity I'm talking about. I can't answer that today. I don't know No doubt that right now, because of how you feel about him and the intensity of your feelings, dating, will be difficult. Usually when we're when we're dating with a little bit of sadness and heartbreak and when our heart's somewhere else, then yeah, it's like it usually dating is this more like an opportunity to compare the people who are not the person I want to be with. You know, time heals and like you You know, But also like meeting the right person might makes you forget about someone that you thought you could never forget about Yeah. So you don't really know But also like yeah, if you you know, and go on you know, lets say you on thirty dates this year and all it's like you're over for thirty which is entirely possible that you can meet thirty men that you're just not that excited about And he and then this guy could be, you know, doing the work and that will give you more like at that point, it might be like, yeah, listen, like I He really is special, at least to me. and we really have something that I truly haven't found with thirty other guys that I've dated, you know, not that and not that you should, you know Dating thirty guys is a reason to they get twenty seven to be like to settle just because he had thirty bad dates. You tell him no You're like, I can't date you right now. you got to work on yourself. And he's like, I understand, I'm sab at I understand, but you know what? I'm stilled do the work. And you guys don't real really speak for six to twelve months. You know, mayaybe you check in, but you're not really in each other's lives. Wouldn't you feel a lot better about the possibility of considering another go with him a year and a half from now, knowing that like you really haven't been in his life, but he's still been consistent with this therapy He's been consistent with doing the work and trying to understand and and heal his past traumas. Wouldn't that make you feel better about like the possibility of a second chance having more success than like trying to do that today, knowing that he's still very much not healed. And while I'm sure he wants to get better, I'm sure part of his motivation right now is to show you that he is, you know, to prove to you why you should get back together with him Definitely Yeah. Do you think that looks like more like us not Like you said like not speaking at all or me reaching out to him and saying like, I'm The way that left kind of like you the way that we like love things is kind of like don't like he kind of doesn't have the right to reach out to me, but I have like the right to reach out to him and that's kind of how we left things. Like if I feel the need or the one to talk to him, call him, text him, whatever it is, go see him. I imagine Yeah. well that's do that. but ye and that's probably him giving you a sense of security and power and control that he recognizes maybe you lost when you caught I doing that It would be easier long term for both of you and it would be more authentic. If you could do, it would be better for you long term. It just would. It would give you the clarity because if you keep in touch with him, it'll You know, it'll make dating harder one because he will definitely be born in the back of your mind. It will make it harder for him to like know why he's really doing the work. Is he doing it for himself or is he doing it to continue to prove you? And then like even though you check in on him every two to three weeks or a month, like there's always an update he can give you about the work he's doing and that makes and that makes it a little it makes a little inauthentic And whether like a little performative. N and not even intentionally. not even like I mean, we want to prove to people that we care about Epeci the ones that we hurt that werere doing the work. I don't even know if performance is the right word. It's not even insincere, It's very sincere. It's just like it's not directed, it's not where the motivation comes from, I think is unclear. And that's even challenging for the like I literally use the same analogy for the callor before. apppplied's a little bit less here. The first time I went on the bachelor I had genuine feelings, but I was confused about what was causing those genuine feelings because like is it because I'm in this competitive controlled atmosphere that makes people feel things or do I just like her? And it was hard for me to know the difference, even though I was aware of the two choices. I literally couldn't know. This kind of applies here where it's just like The more you guys standay each other's lives, the more you will influence each other's decisions, whether you mean to or not. And right now, I am assuming you want him to do this for himself. so that ultimately, if you do choose to be with him, he can be a good partner for you. If he's only doing it for you, then it's not an authentic, it will have a less it will have less of a chance of sticking. He has to lose you completely and still want to be the best version of himself. He has to understand that his choices cost cost him and it potentially costed you. But he doesn't want cost him anyone else. and so he still wants to do the work. And he has to do the work, not knowing who he can be that better person for and still want to do it. and that's a lot more authentic in that moment I think I need to mentally like break up with him because I'm struggling to where I'm I keep telling myself, okay, I need to move on, I need to move on. But then there's that little thing in the back of my like mind that says, well, I just have to wait a year and then it'll be fine And so I need to I think I need to tell myself. I don't know if you have any advice for that kind of situation because I can like see like maybe a light in a year from now And I feel like I just have my eyes on that instead of like moving on in the present moment. Yeah I've also been just going back and forth in my head on whether I should Get out weight or just be fully done, block them on everything and just like never look back. And I think I need to like commit myself to one path forward so that I'm not like playing this back and forth all the time. Yeah, I mean, you know yourself So That's probably the right answer I don't know if you have to block ' them, but that's entirely up too. If that's to help you control your desire to like check his stuff But yeah Listen, I just think like objectively that would that's probably the smartest and healthiest choice is to right now Move on. And listen, it doesn't have to be so black and white. You can be like, you know, you said you're twenty five. Right? You know, So like you're obviously very young. And like all you can do right now is just recognize that like you you don't know what's in front of you. You don't know what next year is going to look like. You don't know what two years are going to look like. If I'm in your shoes, I'm making choices that are that are not limiting future possibilities. There's one more like little piece of the puzzle. he's moving. And that means what to you It means like, I think it's going to help me. but he so he's moving for work and, you know, he told his boss certain things. he didn't tell him like a full story. but boss basically said if you need a stay to get your girl, like you could stick. She does a remote job. And they kind of wanted him to come back on site. And his boss said he could stay and he told me he was like, I will stay if like Yeahah. basically say the word. say the word and I'll stay. And I was like, I don't think Listen. I don't the word I don't fault him because I'm sure he's in kind of a very a desperation mode a little bit. but yeah, like you don't want him you don't want that. That's that's Also And I'm not saying he's doing this intentionally But that's it's like a power dynamic All of a sudden, he stays for you And now the score is a little even. It's like right now, you caught him doing this thing and you got mad and you got hurt and you called him out and now You are in control hey, it's like, I can call you, You can't call me. You're calling the shots No, I don't think you should take advantage of that and I don't think you should stay in this dynamic just because you have like all this power and you know, you're in control of this relationship. But the moment you like, hey, I stayed for you. It's just like there's a feeling of, you did this for me And again, I just, I wonder if that's going to affect his willingness to really doing the work The most selfless thing you could probably do for him is tell him no and see if its if he's still committed to being the best version of himself without having you in his life knowing that there's going to be there's getting you back is part of his motivation At least in a short Yeah I'm sure he wants to be a better version of himself. We need those motivations in our life You know, we need to be motivated, but he has to find it he has to do it truly without any guarantees. Yeah, I think you have to say no. You will find your way back to each other if it's if it's nots the same as it's meant to be, but you don't want him if it wouldn't happen organically in a way I don't know. do you think I should like reach out to him and be like, I am done or just Is he waiting down an answer? Leave it, Leave it. No, not really. I think he We kind of left things as like, I don't know if I'll ever see you again I would just leave it alone. Yeah. if you don't need to reach out to them listen if you you know, if you're my daughter, if you're my sister, if you're calling right now if you said, if youre tell me what to do, you know, obviously, I want you to make this choice for yourself But yes. My option for you would be to Mentally move on Say goodbye to him internally into yourself Go live your life You can keep a door window open for him, you know, emotionally But you have to let it go. And you can be open to the possibility that something might happen, but like you can't this is not like I'm taking a break for you you know a year with him. Yeah Go live your life. Maybe it'll happen. I guess I know what to do now Well I've been struggling It's tough Yeah listen, you miss them, you like them, you care about them. you're also, you probably see, you know, again, seeing him doing the work is encouraging. It also makes whatever pain he caused by catching it feel less painful to know that he is sorry and he's really doing something about And that makes, you know, the whatever part when we catch someone doing something that hurts us There's a level of like, it makes us feel inadequate. It makes us feel less than. you know, it makes us feel not enough. And seeing him be sorry and doing the work kind of eliminates that. So it's kind of healing for you to see him acknowledge that So it all makes sense. It's definitely difficult You know, like I'm a sex addict and I am a pornid addict. you know, I don't know if he really knows is he has he been going around having just copious amounts of sex with people, unprotected or No his he spoke to a therapist and they basically said like, you're not because they were trying to get down to like the root of what caused him to go and seek out men and he never he never met up with the guy that he was he was texting one guy while we were together and it lasted for three days. He texted him for three days and then he blocked him And he never actually met up with him. He was texting him. He basically like snapped out of his little moment and was like, what am I doing? And him and H the he's talked to like a few different therapists and they basically said like you kind of have you like you have a sex addiction and we're going to like explore where that came from. And then he unpacked and remembered things from like second grade that always just put away a block from his memory. But yeah, long story short, they told him he has it. x addiction type of diagnosis Got. I think he has more work to do Yeah. he definitely does. Yeah, he definitely He has some stuff to figure out. I think he's I think his journey is just beginning to kind of figure out he is. I mean, obviously I'm not neither of us would have been in his therapy sessions. would make it would make sense that he is trying to find quick answers to explain why he feels how he feels about himself on the inside. And sometimes those quick answers might not be as honest as what the truth is and it might just take some time for him to really you know, be comfortable with that Yeah and there's probably a lot of trauma and pain behind it, but it's just it's just going to take some time for him to figure that out. And he does say like, so I've talked to him twice and he will he'll he'll be like, I'm not going to pretend I'm fixed. He's like, I have a long way to go and I might be, you know talking to a therapist forever, just to make sure stays present but I got therapy after this know. 's it's good for all of us do the maintenance. So listen, it's It's a difficult situation to help you move forward, tell yourself that you are grateful how you've been able to get this far with him, which is to it sucks that he hurt you, but like you can now at least say goodbye or you have you got some closure out of this, you know, You don't have to feel it's just like how so many people feel when this stuff this type of stuff happens to them is just like compleompletely inadequate and heartbroken and feeling like they're not enough, you got some answers and you're kind of, you can be at peace with that And you can like you can put a pause on this and kind of say goodbye at least for now with a really high opinion of him and a lot of love and you know, which is much better than hating him And it's much better than like feeling angry and having to process that anger and pain. So you're already kind of a few steps ahead, your're kind of healing process moving forward. And again, this you never know. you never know. But right now It's probably best for you guys to kind of go your separate ways Yeah And to help yourself out is don't be talking about this, donon't ruminate about this with friends. Updates on how you feel about him and those like what if conversations, It's natural to want to have them but try to limit yourself from having them over and over and over both with yourself and with friends because that just keeps you stuck. I've definitely been talking about my feelings a lot with my friends, I can relax in that category. It's natural But at some point you just have to just say, you know, I've worked through them. I've talked about them with friends, with therapists, with myself. I know how I feel. Most likely it's sad. Talking about it with people. I mean, you literally kind of have to tell yourself this. L you have to acknowledge that you are doing this thing that you could if you wanted to stop doing, which is to obsessively ruminate over something that you just like you miss. And when we And's that's the easiest way to keep things close to us, the things that we can't have is to at least think about them and talk about them, because at least that's some version of the thing that we miss the most, which is a relationship with H So you just have to actively recognize that you're doing it and try to stop it, which, you know, it's difficult. It takes practice, but you can do it. I know I can do it I've been through a similar thing in a past relationship So I'm like I know I can do it. I' been here before.. Well, that that helps. that helps you know, Yeah and just general heartbreak. the first time when it happens, it sucks because you don't have a roadmap of how to get over your first heartbreak. But the second time you have heartbreak, the heartbreak is just as painful, but you have know the knowledge that this two shall pass And that helps. And it's tr My therapist says, well, after you and the first guy broke up, he was like, it's three years later now. Do you ever think about him? And I'm like, Nope. Not even a little bit. Hopefully it'll be like that again one day. If you don't get back together, certainly will He will be a distant memory in ten years Thank you so much. All right, thanks for the call. Keep us post and what happens. Okay, I will. All. Thank you. All right, bye bye. Bye. Finding a good bottle of wine can feel surprisingly complicated or confusing. If you're like me, you've usually have always picked bottles by the label and not knowing much about the wine. Or maybe the price point. Well, with first leaf if they make that whole wine experience so much better. first of all, you no longer have to lug wine bottles from the groceryore to your house and look, this is unnecessarily heavy Doid you ever have a grocery bag break with a wine bottle? Scks. No one likes it. 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See terms and conditions for this Sutton bank prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card. deebit flex card. savings and offers provided by Cash app a block incorporated brand, parent and legal guardians can open a manage account for kids six to twelve. Visit cash d. app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures How's it going Hi My name is Emily. I'm thirty four. and my question is, should I kick my fiance's sister out of my bridal party Well, how did she get in your brow Well, here's the thing. so I haven't done anything official with my bridal party, but I have spoken to his other sisters and I kind of committed to them that I would h her in just so that it would be Kind all, you know, not excluding someone So I'm kind of backtracking on that. Why do Why do you not want her in What does the relationship look like Well, there's not much of a relationship there. I would love to have her if we did have a relationship I think it's a huge deal to have the people that I love standing up there with me and Honestly, I'm pretty hurt by ions the way that she's treated me in our relationship up to this point. So you you're you're hurt by her and you care about her or so you like her, you care about her I would love a relationship. So we did room together at the family Beach trip Last year. Is that way? Is that where all the drama started No, we had a great time. Okay. We had a great time It's just a weird situation. so I think When did it start? Like what happened? When I met my fiance's family, I immediately clicked with all of them. I'm very close with his parents, his sisters, his in laws the brothers in law We're hanging out. We're like, I'm texting his sisters all the time. Theyve just really made an effort to get to know me and they We enjoy each other's company But a lot of the times that we are spending time together, she declines to attend. And so we haven't really and it's not just stuff that like I'm involved in. So she justs to be excludes herself? Yes, pretty much. I know it's been hurtful to her sisters as well like She would have plans with her boyfriend to go to dinner on one of their birthdays You can go to dinner any day of the week. You know, that would hurt someone's feelings to do that So I know it I don't think it's a personal thing However, we just have not been able to So is that your overall biggest frustration with her Is her what feels like a lack of effort to like connect with you No, that's hard, but what hurt me was that she chose not to attend our engagement party G she had another dinner Well, I believe it's because she's not engaged herself But that's totally a guess on your part I didn't believe the excuse that was given posts, you know, you're probably right. You may you might not be right. It doesn't really matter But we do know for sure is that she didn't feel like going and the And the fact that she centered her feelings on your day is what pisses you off. Well, and what followed that also She did congratulate her brother She never congratulated me. And which is okay So then the next time I saw her, I thought that she would be completely fake and just be like, congratulations. You know, I was so sick, I'm so sorry. But what she actually did was she didn't acknowledge my presence in the room. Like She didn't ask to see my ring. She never said, congratulations, like you're becoming my sister. You're marrying my brother. She just didn't acknowledge So to me, that was, I mean, she snpped me. It was very hurtful What else Well, when I, you know, asked, I confronted her about it that night and she just she wasn't willing to iod She said I've had a really hard week. Yeah. I've had a really hard week. Oh, it has nothing to do with you. I love you. What else? I don't think she even wants to be in my wedding She probably doesn't even want to come to my bachelorette party. I have no idea But yeah. I think maybe it well, I don't want to I don't want to make assumptions, but that's no, that's pretty much That's the is. Okay You want my answer What do you think what do you think my answer is Don't Don't. Don't have her. Don't have her. I No. No, I think you should have. Have heruring your party? Yeah Here's why because What I'm hearing from you And everything all the information is that not having her The reason why you're doing it is you're hoping it will teach her a lesson and you're hoping the Yeah includcluding her. It doesn't feel to you like she cares And that hurts and that sucks and you're trying to get her to care and you kind of want to get a reaction I think that's deep down. And I don't think you should risk your wedding day to teach someone a lesson and try to shake them up or wake them up. And I just as someone who, you know, had a wedding and I'm not I'm not a pro I only did it once. You know, we got their own Wednesday night We're stay at her sister's house for're spending time with her sister And on Thursday You know, I was hoping to spend some time with My friends, also the NFL draft was happening and so was like kind of hoping that now they would allow me to still participate in that. but She was like, Oh, maybe like I'll go to my family's house and you can hang with your family. I was like We are not The only we're the only thing we're doing and or not doing is we're not separating this weekend and we're doing everything together. We are being a couple. and like she was like, oh my Godd, yeah. And what it was our wedding. We prioritized each other. That's all that mattered to us. We hoped that our guests had fun. They had a great time, but our focus was each other. And I think at the end of the day, you and your fiance's focus should be each other. You're not going to give us a shit who is or isn't in your wedding party? that is not going to make or break your wedding It's just not. It's just you're I don't care if down if ten years from now, you're like, oh, that person isn't own wedding photos who I'm not really close with. No one gives a shit. You know what I'm saying? It's just a story. What you don't want is to have your sister in law be the center of your emotional like energy on your wedding weekend. And if you if you Uh, do this you would run the risk. If you simply just accept that like I'm just going to have her in my wedding party because I have all his sisters at my wedding party Honestly, she may or she might not even come to her goddamn wedding and at the end of day, I don't give a shit. I don't care. It is not going to affect my weekend. It's just not. You can make it a big deal. You can be like, oh my God, the seating chart or I don't know. You can make it a big deal if you want to but it's just not. And you run the risk of caring about a bunch of shit that has nothing to do with your wedding weekend over, you know Over, over this This is not like a friend because if this is a sister in law. Again, you know, like I'm only saying this based off the information you gave me. You are having other sisters in there You know, it so it's like it's a wedding party that's family centered and things like that. So excluding her would be obvious and it would be a big deal and people would be talking about it. It would just be unnecessary drama I hear that Well, what I want to debate is it I promise you it's not to teach her a lesson. And I think my sister, my friend. Prove it to me. What do you mean because everything you said says the opposite. I think the people that are encouraging me not not to, I think maybe for them, they would teach a lesson. for me I feeleel that She She genuinely isn't happy for me and her brother and I feel that If I even ask her And then she rejects me. That is I'm hurt. and I think she's going to hurt me further. That's your ego. You fine, but you can get over that. You really can. You can choose to just say, I'm only asking her to keep the peace. I don't honestly don't even think she's gonna to say yes. She might not even come That's not why you're making the decision You're making the decision include her not because you want her, but because like it's for the greater good. It's because overall you are close with the family And you do want some of his sisters in it. those and those sisters are meaningful to you. And you're just doing it eliminate the drama because you're going to choose not to care. Whatever the outcome is, whatever decision is is unpredictable as she is, you're just going to accept that she's unpredictable but like her choices Don't impact your wedding. His sister is not the center of your engagement or your wedding But you are choosing to make her right now And you gota let that go. So like whatever happens, my biggest advice to you is just let this go to not try to be right, to like not keep talking about it with your fiancee, to you, not keep talking about it with me or your therapist or his sisters, to just accept that she is at a stage of life where she probably isn't happy with how things are going But like it's not your job to fix her. She's got to figure her shit out. You can certainly offer her advice if she comes to you and ask for advice, but you are making it more of your problem than you need to You're right. I mean, I just it feels like a privilege. It feels like a big deal, but I think you're right if the goal is peace and not to bring I guess I would have to ask One of my sest I was but I wasn't sure, you know, like have more? I don't know. who cares? It's just the wedding party. It's no one cares. It feels like a huge deal, but Maybe it's nots not Your wedding, huge deal How connected you feel to your fiancee and future husband is the only thing that matters How much of that weekend you can focus on who you are marrying and why you are marrying them and how good you feel about that connection matters His sister who is unhappy with herself right now, should not be the focus of your wedding, you should literally not be thinking about her You should literally not care I'm very sensitive. so I get my feelings hurt and Maybe maybe I go back and forth. So my initial thing was, yes, I'm going to hack her. And then my sister and my friends are like Why the hell would she get that privilege If she treats you, like she doesn't care about you at all. and she probably doesn't want to be in your wedding. And then I'll be like, you're right, I'm not And then I go back and I'm like No, I will. I'm like, No, I'm not. And I think it is probably more of my ego. I don't think it's like to teach her lesson. I think it's How she makes me feel I mean te sure I just yeah, I mean, it's I really, I'm not a vindictive person. I don't mean it like vindictive like teacheress. and I just mean You know It's just deffinitely have an expectation of a reaction that you hope to get if you tell her no. That's another thing that you run the risk of You're like you're worrying about asking or her telling you no and how that's going to make you feel. What happens when you If you if you tell her no And she's like,, yeah, okay. or you don't ask her. And she doesn't care That's gonna really make you feel powerless. Like I don't really I'm like I don't really want to start a lifelong beef which is kind of my point. It's just like She probably would just never even address it with me. said she probably just wouldn't even acknowledge that you didn't. My advice, whatever you decide is the path of least resistance. That's all I'm saying is to not make something that's ultimately not a big deal, a big deal. And you are caring a lot about something the person on the other side doesn't And that gives her an immense amount of power in the situation. and it makes you feel want to invest more emotional energy It's just like human nature. In any relationship we have, whatever you know, you have a relationship with a sister, maybe not a good one, but there is a relationship. mostost relationships are defined on how much both parties care about that relationship And when a relationship is kind of off It's usually off because one person feels like they care more than the other And it's our instinct sometimes to make up for the lack of consideration that's coming on the other side which sometimes is necessary. Like I don't know, some, you know, I hope that you and your fiance have a very wonderful and beautiful marriage, but like there may be a period in your marriage where you might have to pick up the slack and vice versa And because you are married, that's part of like long term ways of how marriages work out. It's not sustainable for one person to be picking up the slack over the other person, but there might be periods where you look back and be like, yeah you know, one partner has to say thank you to the other because they really were picking up some slack. So you're this is there's an equal liber it's off with you guys. She cares less than you. You care more. You want this relationship with her. You would like it to be nice if nothing else civil And you don't even know she giv a shit about that. And it makes you it makes you internally care more. It makes you invest more, think about it more. It does. And the most recent piece of advice that I got was just sit down with her and tell her like I would like you to be, you know in my bridal party. This is how I'm feeling about our relationship. This is what I would like And are you open to that it might work. I don't even know if you should do that. I think you should ask her if she wants to or not without any exxpectations You know, like, do you want to be in my wedding party? Sure. Well here are all the rules. B. ess the less emotional energy outoute. I'm giving it a lot of Listen, all I'm saying, you will increase the chances that your wedding is everything you want to be, the more you just simply care about your connection with your fiancee and the more you care about Ething else, the more you're increasing your chances are less focused on your connection with your fiancee. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters. not the Not the DJ or the flowers or blah blah, blah, blah blah. And listen, I'm glad that our wedding You know, and it, you know, but like it was awesome because like we were connected. And that made everything else a story Because truly, if you guys feel connected that weekend, it won't matter if it rains or if it pours or if there was drama with someone else. It won't matter if there's someone got in a big fight. It won't matter if some caterer fucked up because you will be like, we Me and him We felt connected and we had a great wedding. And, you wouldn't believe this crazy thing that happened at my wedding. What a great story. I love that. But if you don't feel connected, if you do feel off, if you center most of your energy on the outside drama then it will steal away from that connection you're supposed to make with your husband over the weekend. and it will make those dramatic moments feel like it ruined your wedding weekend it will only come down to your perspective I agree I think I thought that was what your answer was going to be, but I like it. The logic is My wedding is important, but my wedding partner is far less important and how that looks, whether they're are I've, you know peopleeople have no like Ny and I like, you know We ultimately had a fairly large wedding parties, but no one stood up at our wedding. It was just us. a wedding party sat down And it was mostly because I had all these friends that I wanted in my wedding party. and I made that decision based off the fact that like at stages in my adult life, they were the closest men in my lives. and I had got married at at those stages in my life, They probably would have been my best man And so like that's how I made that decision. And then Nalally made her decision off of my decision. And then literally the day of the wedding, you because I have a bunch of brothers who like, I didn't You know, I was like, well, I'm gonna have my friends and just I have my family. And then like my brothers are in my groomsmen photo. That's how much it just doesn't fucking matter. I was literally making decisions the day of because like to keep the peace. I didn't care. It was just like, great, they're my brothers They arere in the photo And none of the people who were in our wedding party stood up. It was just, you know, it they just sat down. They walked down the aisle. some of them walked down the aisle Some of them didn't, none of them stood up.'re like doesn't matter Who cares? You know, and it's just like it's It's fluff. I can see that yeah No No, I agree I think that makes it easy. I need to just also just make a decision and go with it and just stop giving it so much energy. And the trick to make when you make this decision is to not think about what you hope to feel after that decision or what your expectations are of how she's going to react You don't know how they react, it doesn't really matter Do you want to be in my party? Great. I would love to you for you know, I'm having all the sisters in my wedding party. I'd love for you to be there. I just need to know whether you can commit to X, Y or Z then I would keep those requirements very low. short like showing up for my wedding honestly would be it Okay I got it And like, you know get buying the dress, you know, that's, you know whatever the dress code And you can say, listen, and not in a condescending confrontation away, you can also give her the out. You can say, listen, Also like if you if you don't want to for any reason, like, you know That's also totally okay. I'd love for you to be there, but like no expectations I'm chilly eith way See what you said? It just goes so against my nature. L I like to have Everything out in the open. I like I want it I want to like get to the bottom of this. That's what I want. but that's not in my control. so A lot of things in our nature are not what's best for us, you know sometometimes going against that is growth and it's emotional maturity and it's, you know, it's helping you Helping your happiness long term. You get to choose what to care about. and right now I feel like you're caring about Some like the wrong And the last thing you want is to have this sisster actually F feel it ruined your wedding And she can, but it will mostly be based off of how much energy you put into this No, I like what you said. No one's actually no one's ever no one's ever actually had their wedding ruined by a person. They had it ruined by their choice to make to prioritize that over just the connection Yeah. I like what you said about that. that's the most important part of our weekend is the connection to each other. and I think That's the easy part. So just do that You'll have plenty of opportunities to mend fences with the sister. I don't think you should use your wedding to do it I don't know if that the conversation will really happen if there's not some. I mean, you know, the good news is, ye ye you're marrying him, They're related. They're brother and sister. This isn't some friend that you have to worry about just like fading away Better or worse, you are stuck with this sister You know? And if this marriage goes away, I assume you hope it is, which is forever. You'll have plenty of opportunities to butt heads with this sister and have the talks and pull her aside at whatever family holiday, whatever and give her, you know, and write a letter You know, and tell her how you you know, you'll have some you have unlimited Chances to mend fences with her. I just don't think your wedding should be the one Tp be the time to fight that battle. This is the universe, God, however you like trying to you clearly have a hard time with this. This is something that will serve you well, maybe even in your marriage to let shit go ultimately doesn't matter. Yeah, that is something I'm wor about. Yeah, I give a lot of energy to You know unrest in relationships and that's where this feels hard, you know, like I'm the one who has a lack of peace. I don't know how she feels, but And that comes from you though. That's the thing you really have to understand is you really clearly give so much of your energy and power to people care about or you want something from, but like you aren't willing to just accept the now. and let things play out You know I imagine in a lot of asid of your life, you are you can control, you know, you like to be in control, you like things in control and you're probably very reliable You're probably a very reliable partner, you're probably very friend you probably expect reliability with the people that you are allow in your life And when you don't have that, it like Rs you off And you don't have that here it's because it, you know, it's the sister, you know, it's like she's she's in your life, not because you've chosen, but because of like she was born. And that is hard for you to control. Yeah You hit the nail in the head. And now I'm starting to think more and more about it and I'm like maybe admitting to myself a little bit that it is a little bit more of like teaching her lesson because I'm hurt and I'm like, if you want to be in my bridal party, like you need to Be my sister. You need to care about me. You need to like tell me that you're happy. I'm gonna to be your sister Like, are you happy? I'm joining your family? And you're right,, I don't need that. maybe it's just not as big of a deal as I'm making it to be in my head in my heart That's yeah, I mean let that shit go You have you have you the rest of your life to mend fences with her I'll take your advice. U Well, hopefully this was helpful Oh hopefully she accepts. Why not? who cares You're only saying that because if she does it, you know that emotionally you're gonna have to process that. It's just get that tattooed. Oh my man. I mean, the answer to who cares is only only you Literally only you And yet when we when we when we care about things that in reality no one else does, we want to we want to think that everyone cares, which is why you get the opinion of her other sisters, you know. And certainly they're going to care for you. They're going to like give you advice, but what you want them is to care as much as you care which is why like when we go through heartbreak or disappointment, we rally the troops, you know, it's like we We feel crazy because the thing we care about so much, the other person doesn't care That makes us feel crazy because it's like, why do I care so much about something someone else should care as much as I do? So then we go around and we like Can you believe this? Can you believe that? Can you do that? And we're hoping everyone else is like, yeah, no, I can't believe it. They're They're the crazy one. You're not crazy. You just have to accept But she is is not where you are in life And you are expecting her to move like you move even though like when you say, Ohh, well, everyone suspects it's because she's not engaged yet And you say that with like, quite frankly, if I'm just being direct here, a lack of empathy, you know, and I'm a lot like you, like, you know, when I when I'm not leading with empathy, I'm just more like deal with it, suck it up. Like why you like you can't be happy for me? like, you know, like you know, I've had to be happy for people that when I wasn't like in that stage of life and like she just needs to deal with it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is she's just like not at this She's not where you're at And could she be handling it better? Sure Would you like to think that you would handle it better if you and Herschher? Probably, you know Um But you are getting you were you were spending a shit ton of emotional energy simply because someone's at a different stage of life than you. and not handling it the way you would like to think you would I dont think there's any excuse for completely snubbing someone. I mean, there's no excuse for it. It's not What do you mean there's no excuse for it? Like what are you talking about I just have you have No have no doubt. You have you have I'm just saying like at some stage in your life, I don't know what it was. You have definitely giving yourself excuses to choose yourself And we live in a time in twenty twenty six which like the entire internet is telling us to choose yourself. loveo yourself, choose yourself. You're you know, make sure you're the number one priority. And that's all true But like within that it allows us to get prioritize ourselves,, you know, choose ourselves. And we give ourselves so much fucking grace in ways that we don't give to other people Of course there's an excuse to You know which is she's just not happy right now and like, you know, with how things are going, if that's the reason. And when we're not happy, it's just hard not to be a little like to not be a little selfish because it's like, how can you be happy for others when you're not happy with your own life and Y ya yada yada. In a perfect world, I'm sure she would want to be to be thought of as the friend Wh's showing up for the people she loves She will probably someday wake up and look in the mirror and realize that she's probably been a bad friend to people or a bad sister and she's, you know, been selfish and that will make her feel kind of shitty about herself. But of course there's an excuse, you know? Like you say that as if like, you know There There's an excuse for not coming to the party. That's fine. There's an excuse for not texting me, but just to like be in a room with someone and pretend that they aren't there did what did I do? How do you know it's about you You know, listen, I'm I I get I'm introverted, I can be al loooof. I'm in my head. like literally my wife every day is just like I need you where are you? You're not with us. You know, you're, you know, she like will check me, you know, like it's hard for me to do. L I mean, literally I have ADHD, you know, like I don't I don't personally. I try not to use that as an excuse for like why I do what I do and I'm just I try to own that, but like You know, it is just like really hard sometimes. Sometimes I'm just checked out. A lot of times I show up to places, events You know, and you know, like also like adding to the element that I'm a little bit of a public figure, Also adding to the fact that I'm tall and I just like stand out in a room that I often show up in rooms where people have a shit ton of expectations of how I'm supposed to show up to them. And I tell you what, nine times out of ten, I don't meet those expectations I don't want to repeat specifically with the things that have been said to me, but I'm extremely it's not it's more than an assumption. I know that that's what it is. and I did have her family reach out to me after And tell me like you handled yourself really nice, like really well tonight. You gave a lot of grace. I know that must have been really hard and hurtful the way that she treated you. And I'm sure that's true. All I'm simply saying is, again, like I talk about this all the time on the show, especially when we're tal about reality TV. There's a difference between a reason and an excuse And you're right, mayaybe there's no quote unquote an excuse. Maybe there's just a reason You know, And all I'm just saying is like sometimes the reason like an excuse. it's like, I don't know again, like in the court of like, you know, you're just kind of playing judge jury and executioner with like how you think she should move. you know, and it's just like Even if you being right doesn't bring you any peace or happiness is kind of my point. It doesn't really matter, you know, it's like you can, you know, we could sit here and debate whether is there an excuse? It doesn't matter. you know, likeike she's this is where she's at This is what she's doing If she was a friend, you could choose to be like, you know what? Maybe this friendship has, you know, run its course and maybe that is what it is, but she's not just a friend, she is family She's the sister of the man that you're going to marry Rather than accepting that as and having that security that she's not going anywhere You have decided that I need to fix this now before I marry this man because I need to feel good about all of my sisters You know, and sister in laws before I get married because that matters and it doesn't. You're not marrying her. you're marrying him Yeah. And you don't need to be like at peace with every single person at every single moment in time I think if I can reframe that in my brain, then I'm thinking Okay, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing anything as a favor to her. She may or may not want to but I would like a good relationship. And I would like peace and I would like my wedding to be about. My fiance and I But when you make this decision I'm doing the right thing, doing something for her When you make this decision, don't pat yourself on the back for choosing peace Why not because because then you're not because then you're doing it to be right. and you're not doing it for the peace. And then when the day comes when peace is supposed to matter It won't feel peaceful, especially because in it because that gives her more power and control. It makes her actions U control how you feel It makes you feel good about your choice because it makes you feel like you were the bigger person That's exactly what it is. I'm either the bigger person or I'm petty That's So be the bigger person and not pat yourself on the back Be the bigger person and knowing because what you're doing is you're just you're just setting you and your husband and fiance up for success. That's why you're doing it. You're doing it for Your happiness But if you pat yourself on the back for choosing peace, then you're not doing it for happiness, you're doing it to be right. And that's literally opposite of do you want to be right or do you want to be happy And you like being right. That's pretty I like being right, so no judgment, you know, but like it is something you have a hard time letting go. You have a hard time just like not being right or wrong, but you just have I had this discussion yesterday about something totally different. So it is something I'm working on No If it bleeds into your life that much, it will like also bleed into your marriage. So like, listen, use this as an opportunity. to work on yourself so that you can show up better for your marriage because like The alternative is giving the sister in law like an unbelievable of energy and power that she does' deserve, probablyably doesn't want or ask for And then you're convincing yourself that you're the better person in the story because like, You know, You are You're handling like these short term situations better in a time where but again, you have an advantage You are overall really happy with where you're at in your life. Yeah. It's Yeah, it's just it's the rejection piece that that I'm working on that it hurts. I feel rejected by her and I feel Like I'm putting myself in a position to be rejected again. and that is that's right now the theme of, you know, what I need to work on in general and how and I and noticing how that does affect me in different ways. and I keep Y marriage. is going to require An insane amount of your emotional energy and time And if you've listen to this show, it's the thing I like if I could just if one bit of advice I give to people is just like just recognize that your emotional energy is not limitless tangible thing There are only so many hours in the day. You only have so much energy and where you choose to spend the energy defefinitely greatly matters. It is not it will affect your choices Your choices will affect your life. It will not like, it's not preordained You know? likeike and so that choice is up to you. So like you need to get better as someone who really is kind of needs to be right And when you don't feel right You go down these rabbit holes. and you invest your emotional energy that will take away from the emotional energy you need to invest in your marriage. And just getting better at that will go a long way to like you just geninely being happier Maybe this is the universe giving you an opportunity to start reallyally grounding yourself in that And I genuinely hope for The best And so just going let My actions portray that and release the rest and well what happens happens. If you ask her And she says yes. and then she literally just ghosts you on your wedding doesn't m Only if you make it matter. you certainly could wake up And you could be like, oh my God It turns out she's an Iiza