Listener emails and the board game night

I was thinking about how The listener dear listener. They have no sense of the surroundings in which this podcast is recorded. No So I think I'm, you know, they probably have their their notions. I'd imagine they imagine that Henry is kind of surrounded by Hungarian diplomats, artists Whereas you are surrounded by wooden animals suzzling gently or shins. some stuffed, some sort of semi stuffed or a stage of stuffed process. Yeah taxi lev workshop. And also, I've got human All human furniture I imagine people are picturing What does that mean? a series of contontortionists and acrobats? Contortists humans turn themselves into sofer beds. Sofer beds and bureaus Dear right Rollout bureaus. Wall bureaus W burea Burea long bureaos , you usedved the shan? Bureaurea bureaus the remaining the same. Bureaus just steadfast. Bureaus it can collapse and turn into a a globe that is politic a globe that has the the global the political national borders of the eighteen hundreds That sort of thing. Yeah, and one that can get into a. The wararrior robot Exactly That's what they picture with me And then for Mike, I think they're probably imagining a very mayaybe like a quite austere Garage. full of military sort of equipment from the fifties and so some illegal memorabilia Oh yeah, you've got Heinrich Himler's cycling helmet Gingisc' shin pants. And got he's got what he swears is a section of trench from World War one. He bought at a high cost, but it's just the insides of the trench. so to all intents of purposes, it's just a glassort case full of a fret air But with what he swears is yeah, it's's feted air from the song. Also I imagine I what I imag Mike could have in that garage is aster that was very lovelessly put up About fifteen years ago And it's opposed to that it's just stayed there through sheer inertia And he didn't even really mean it when he put it up. It just came free in a Sunday supplement or something. He just it was just a moment where you ask to stick that up. Right And it's just quite look it's just got no And what is it? What's the poster? Well is it that's it? It would be just sort of L casine from the Aalfi Coast ye From a travel supplement. What like in an Italian restaurant? Yeah. It'd be something like that. Yeah. Well I want you to think it's innocuous, but really of course, it conceals the entrance to my escape tunnel genius. So behind that post, it says something like the amalfi Coast Comeb of lemons And it's just something that Mike he's not even been there. He doesn't really care about. I can't even talk a particular good game on lemons, especially. I run out of steam very quickly But that's the escaed tunle. So you take that off ike at the end of Shawshank redemption. Yeah. When behind the poster. Yeah You take off and there's tunnelk directly into your next door neighbours I a front room into the front room they've been asking me to fix that hole for a very long time now They've had to put their telly in front of it to try and conceal it And it's in the wrong place entirely for their room. You'd have to crawl through and then just push their television to push goodness and they're in the middle of the final episode of suuccession or something as I bot my way through there They's Samsung And what's the plan from then on? Is you become one of them. You you join them? Well, they the thing about those guys next door. is that they just Really good with advice. So a plan is to boot my way through And go, Margaret, Colin, now what do you reckon? Let's truck some ideas around. Let's remember, there's no bad ideas, but at the same time I am in a hurry. So that's it, that's it really. So let's hope I never need to use it. But in the meantime I can just yeah just enjoy enjoy my garriage I've got to have a plan, baby. I imagine in Mike's carriage as well, there's something he's tinkering with Oh yeah. And he's always telling his family is I''ve just got to go and tinker with the mechanism. he says on my J four on my J four nine hundred or something. He's got a name for it But when you go and look at it, it's actually it's just a collection of circuit boards and all little pistons and canisters that you've just attached together. a couple of wild pig's eyes, th' go for the butcher C of W bigig eyes stuck on top of like joysticks. And if all goes well, this machine will love mine. It's the unconditional love machine. that's he's paying for. Be the love you can get through a world pig's eyes is unrivaled in the natural world. When I was on my memorabilia hunt, I found a folio, a da Vinci folio But much was the prototype plans So the unconditional love machine Love bot one point zero.utely. Yeah If you can make it work. And would it be Patonic love? H It's got different modes. Ideally let's go a little panel board. You can flick it tos different All the forms of love Okay So Patonic, platonic fraternal U A vuncular The love you feel when you realize that you can sit with a A friend you've known since university days on a train for a good twenty five minutes not say anything. Oh it's got a companionable silence setting. Yeah. C Which think is the deepest and richest love that certainlyone like me can never know. It's yeah, non malevolent silence. Oh, there's nothing malevolent about two disembodied wild pig's eyes stuck onto some transformers that nextakes to you on the train distance. On your way to a mini break in Cumbria because you've obbacy, you've got family love, you've got dog love, These are great loveves, but tick, tick Tick tick done. Yeah. experience Basically continuing but basically over. Yeah. And this D.. I've got to move up to boss level love. you know, Yeah. The love that only being that was one hundred percent created by you feel Is that what it's about? Yeah one hundred percent. But the only risk element is, of course the is the organic element, but the boall's eyes. that's the only that's the risky bit. you know,act because they've still got some of the soul left. They may do And if they do have an emotion in them, it's the last thing they felt which was Just whatever they felt when you were coming at them with two hackaws. Is that which was poorly thought through And I came I almost came out of it worse to be fair. Yeah Well becauseuse you've living as truffle pig, hadn't you for several months at that point? I'd been living inuff for several months and that got me nowhere. So then I said I just lived as as a truffle flip it, flip it, go from the other side. Yeah, the number of times I got dug up for just a well trained French dog. I mean just Credibly irrit And part of you, I mean, how much have you did end up in Omlets in the end I would say or well, they told me the specialist Nice clinic that I went to that it was twenty seven percent. But that was regenerative. so I'm back. But also luckily it's shaved off isn't it with a very tiny gr. I think I look better after being a little bit you look like a skull. It's a light sluuffing, isn't it? initially?. It' a bit puffy around the edges before, and yeah Be each of those French farmers will demand a tithe of one scraping they If you pretend to be a truffle Yeah, they're going to take a scrape and they're going to turn you into some sort of oil Yeah of cool I then suuse you into maybe throw a cheese. Oh, the number of times I've been bloody suused into a cheese, I can't tell It takes its to, doesnn't it each time a little little bit of you guys. Yeah. So those are the settings What I was getting at really isn't that The listen doesn't know where we record So you now, we've ye some of that information. Yeah But I do need to let you guys know that there's a slight difference in the atmosphere where I am Oh yeah Compared to usual Oh. It's a bit of a long story It involves Christmas meets Unalth So my Christmas plan was to go to my partner's mother's house But in these uncertain times There were of course, a couple of things hanging over where that was going to happen. was one of us going to get COVID. I just had my COVID jab and I was feeling quite bad. We started thinking, are we going to go to the My partner's mother's house for Christmas Well, maybe what we need to do is get some backup beef Of course. Oh good thinking. Just in case we end up marooned here, we need some backup beef got d it. You've got to safety init the Christmas meets. Exactly. But so much backup beef and backup pulture was bought this year Yeah, that they had to dip deeply into the beef mountain and the poultry laid beef mountain didn't they? for just such an occurrence So We got the back at beef. Yeah Then it turned out we were going go to my partner's mother who went to her house, the backup beef was left in the fridge So the entire time I was at my girlfriend's Mother's house orr I could hear with the words the butcher ringing in my ears. when I said So how long will this last in the fridge? He said About four days? About four days. About About four days. T days. A aboutout fourays four Four, it's not a prime number. twoo d. What's divisible by? So the time time As it does, it began to pass. Yeah Imagine imagine the the pages of a O one of these useless calendars where there's one page per day and it's got a number on it. and they're all flying off Nsot that fast st anything before Yeah. ye. Well they're flying off about at once per day Sort of calendars you're only really using a film noir and outside of that Eactly. Andine imagine a newspaper spinning towards you spinning spning spinning spinning, it stops headadline Another day has passed. Another cigarette falls onto Ben's legs Againince my legs ablaze once more. to a pile of burnt trousers denoting the passing denoting the passing of time. Another beaver's head is stuffed. for me You see it You see another beaver's head that looks all shriveveled just filling out Ben Rams scrunched up. Well, that's how you spend that gap betweenoon isn't it between Christmas anding beavers heads So the days began to go by Christmas dayay Boxing day. The day after boy Dday. Yeah. the day after that and the four day limit was breached. but we were still in Worcestershire. Now what I'm picturing now is basically two thousand maggots are packing. gettinget this stuff together, getting the hats on. Recently reintroduced wolves circling outer walls of your building So last night I returned So the flat It was about half past ten PM. All I can think of now is the bee. Has it how many days had passed six I I literally got in, because I knew time was the endesss would already reached that limit Before I'd put down my coat I'd open the fridge I've got that beef on the hob. R well done. So your cake was still what half on or just on. My coat was on, my tracksers were ablaze. and you probably had a utility bill or something in your hand that was still just half open, did you? That's right. Car door wide open outside, Engine still running. So I was in this kind of frenzy And then I realized it was bedtime But it was also beef time But it's also beef time So I did what the French do heat a kilo of beef just before they go to sleep You're tooaking it on all night slow c Height P bot the win on it And I cooked it for ten hours overnight as I slept. Wow. Loody hell, that is so French However, I don't know I've not had this experience, obviously, Mike, you have When you first have a newborn child and you bring it back from the hospital. you pour a of wine over it. Yeah.ly out in the oven for ten hours. Yeah. like the French dish Obviously people have different theories on these things. Your in laws will probably say, oh no, you should should probably get it under a hot grill. Bake the fats in then slow cook it. Others will say sear it on both sides.ll o just salt it, leave it for a few months. salt it and hang it No, there's this thing of like went I went to sleep, but I think I woke up every forty five minutes Just thinking is the beef okay? Oh gosh, yes. Also is it gonna sort of dry out and then burn down the flat? Well of course this is where French, all the French philosophy com out of existentialism stuff isn't it? It' Another French thing They've all gotef cooking on night. they wake up in the lightight going What is going to happen? And really who am I at the end of the day? What is the point? Is all religion, the myth? Truth itself is relative. What that kind of thing. Yeah. Do you have that? That's exactly the experience I Do I slke the beef? Do I throw beef away? That's me mean that's the origins of your moral relativism. Exactly. It's all wrapped up. It's all in there overnight beef. I cook beef overnight, therefore I am. Eactlyy say So I've had a very sleepless night I'm afraid I'm quite tired today. Yeah, but also It's suffused every single thing in my flat with beef smell. Everything smells very, very strongly beef. And you very rarely breakfast on a brisket platter, do you before we start Well, that's what I did today, that left me feeling even even time. Yeah, that's going absolutely knock you out. Yeah. So I just wanted to let you guys know that because obviously that's going to happen You know, I'm firing an all inv. In that case, may I suggest that we fire up the bay machine and hope to goodness that the topic It's French beef,'s French For this week's topic. sent in by Elizabeth Wh doesn't tell us where she's from? ould be the quQeen, in theory. C'ot be ruled out could Could be good Liz be? Yeah ye. G be. is elevators Well, we can instantly get the old Americana. We can raise the Americaana flag, can't we playay the America Jingle. playay the America Jinggle I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga Chu chu. Americ Aic. Get me the DA, a slice of old mama L pie down the animo. It New York City. No one's ever gonna listen to this crazy new music you're making, mister Fresley. Burgers because you're suggesting that Elizabeth must be from the US survey I reckon she has used the term innov. So it's not the quQeen Yes, almost say another queen. Play the Regal Zone dingle. All stand for the king. We're entering the Regal zone. Regal zone. With their head. On with the show Listen not to the whores and the shopkeepers Bring me more adviser, the Regal Zone. Basically for tax reasons, we have to get all the jingles played in this episode at the end of the year, don't we? Because we can reclaim. And by saying that, Henry, and revealing the inner workings of our podcast We can use the Pompperoo jingle. It's the Pompadoo Jingle Time for Compitive section Some bit amb Yeah, it's just a little bit of paperworkking, isn't it? If we use any jingles that haven't been any spare jingles at the end of the year, you don't get to claim back. So if you yeah it's just somethingll we'll the reason that we've got Jingles really is it's all just a attack attack. Any podcast is the same. A actuallyually maybe before we carry on, I should read out an email. We've had a number of emails on on this ty of basis No, on the pomadoo on the pomadoo topic. All right,es I've read loads and loads of emails. I'll read out one of them This is Julia. She says, Dear Beans, It was with a heavy heart I learned of the passing of Richard Rogers The architect of the Pomperdue Center I was ammazingly compelled to write it and enm sure you're aware of this as I felt it would only be fitting for his death to be commemorated on a suitably public platform. There we go. Yeah, Dror Pomadoo has passed. Yes Top draw dude Yes and fairly well. Absolutely. May the escalator to heaven have a very clearly visible working mechanism Yeah Very nice. We've We had a few emails asking whether there should be a A sombber version of the pomppery theme to sort of play him out so I' I've knocked I'll knock back together. That's a nice idea.s have it Not wanting to be disrespectful, of course But The library at the university I attended was designed by Richard Rogers. wasas it really? doror Pumpy And it was so badly designed Whatas it? Had a gigantic staircase that the spiral staircase that went up the middle, which was the only way he'd go up or down you were constant walking up this spiral staircase, which means that one leg was longer than the other. like You'd sort of get If you went to the library, basically, you'd come out with a thigh stroke Sounds quite fun though It was fun once and then just an almighty pain in the thighs.as did he design the German Parliament building Yeah, he did the new the new bits because u That's also got a sort of a spiral staircase Yes, and You know that sort of architecture? The idea is like, And of course, as you walk up the stairs you look down on the, you know various offices of the Reichdag and it makes you think about democracy and how important it is And I For me, really a building is just I want to know I want to be able to, you know, you want to know where the tos are I wonder where the toilets are. Is this your eulogy to Richard M I'm not a fan of walking more than one flight for the toilets, if I'm honest So so you're nayaying spiral staircases? Would you he they say spiral elevators A spiral elevator I would love to try. But like I think like is it true that buildings make you think about stuff like that? Or is it really like you just want like a good set of solid stairs A nice Well my square room And my square room 's let's comfy goodood firm door mat on the way in. I A good sm tooothbrushy sort ofor mat. It C canteen with a vege option. And a canteen that isn't just bashing out risotto Yeah, that's being creative with the veg options aybe's it's a's parsnip soup Yeah whatever. But posive Sunday Maybe it's positive someund days. See, you actually, you're nay saying the very concept of architecture and the idea that The buildings need to be anything. they could just all be uniform I think you want as long as they had a nice bristly doormat and a and a parsnip bending area I think that's your priorities, well signaged toilets. Yeah. I like a window A couple of those. ye. So stick a few of those in each room if possible. I do like a wind. I think windows are important. I think it's important that all the sizes and there are certain things you need to get right, like the various proportions L like for example, I think I don't know where these written down, but I think there is a sort universal set of rules which is a doorway needs to be roughly this height. cororridor needs to be roughly this width. and if you get that wrong You're just constantly bashing your head and people falling downstairs. is what you're saying that a door needs to be large enough that a human could walk through it? Exactly. You don't want to You don't want You don't whatn't Alison Wnderland syndrome? Should I ideally have some someome sort of wall around it as well, probably Ideally a door will exist within a walled area Otherwise essential you could argue Do you need it If it's simply linking two areas of open space Is there an example of a building that you've been to that you've been inspired by or that, you know They say, don't they that churches were built to inspire No I think they said churches were built with a spire. Oh sorry. Yes. Sometimes Yes everybody tower I tell you what, I used to, here's the thing, I used to I've experimented with working in different spaces, so I do like I agree that the architecture of a room or a space is quite important for that So because you've settled on your local costa coffee. A you saying that's the ultimate expression of human architecture? Well, put it this way. I work in Costa coffee. I don't work in a sort of huge glass temple where you go up the spiral staircase up towards a big coffee grinding machine and you look down and you see different parts of the coffee making process. And by the time you get there, you really understand how coffee is made. No no no, it's a squat hot room. It's squat and hot, yep those two things are squat and hot pllugged up Sticky tables heavy Tables as heavy and angular as they are sticky time. seating which has perished to a degree, there's there's a soft seating which has perished It's got a sort of holes in it that expose sort of in bits of foam sticking out it in places. There's a pomb do element to that then, isn't they? It'ss workings of the sponge under your ar Mike, nature pomedooes us all. Eventually. It's got a toilet that holds within its walls a kind of sense memory of ome very, very awful things Not all of them done by me. Yeah, there's a there is there very much there is a haunted feeling about the toilets Yeah it's always got three toilets, my Costa, each with its own microclimate There's always one at least one that's very humid And ye Oh ye, yeah, there's always one that's like walking into like a botanical gardens orr the bayou. You're in a sort of piss bayo And you're sort of breathing it all in. There is one which would certainly accommodate crocodilian life, yeah. Then there's There's a sort of spooky chilly one Mhm which you get a real free sm when you go in there one that's just sort of pitch black Great. They're in deepest out of space. No gravity now e there is no gravity, no light Yeah The bllack hole Bog. It's a bit like being in a very One of there's relaxation tanks, but u It smells of guffs. It smells of guffs And it's quite unpleasant. No the stetours, here are some of the things that are important to me. A toilet with a solid door on it. you close that and you are safe. like the gates of oldld Samar Can some kind of precise. You could ancient walled city. You could basically, you could hold it up in there and you could be besieged for good six months And you'd be fine I really like you clunk that door closed and you feel Oh,'s lovely. so I can eat my penny in peaste Okay, so Sdy door Daddy door. think I think we can probably all agree with that. Solid throne like toilet Yeah, quite elevated. Yeah, madeade of solded gold. Made of solded gold It's at a height where In theory you could imagine a vassal could come and prostrate himself before you and ask you to help him out with some sort of farming issue or some agricultureal problem he's got. Yeah. So it's made that high for accessibility reasons, but you're enjoying that it makes you feel like a little sovereign L little box sovereign. littleittle box sovereign What I like about the hand dryer in there is it's thrusting Violent and quick. It's the way I'd like to be killed. Audible throughout the entire establishment. Exactly. It's signals everyone else it will soon be free. So basically it's got two solid toilets and it's got a third one as well, which is which Wh is the the table toilets which For the purposes of this podcast I've never been in. So I can't tell anything about them I mean, if I had to speculate I'd imagine the toilet' probably in the far left corner L of space, room to change. Room I mean again I wouldn't do this, but room in theory you could lower that baby changing table, in theory lie down and have a nap on it, I suppose. I mean, it's a good hyight for a desk The wirePire still reaches it toilet Couldn't be more conveniently placed if you're been working there all day, I mean, you can even fit a tables you don' going have to put a printer on there as well if you've got a Yeah you could there's any lot. Deinitely room to invite someone in for a meeting. I mean, there's please come f. Yeah, you could By all means, sit on that ceramic chair in the corner. You'll see on the changing table there's a samvar of coffee And a ball of cussels p myself. And If you do hear the door jiggling, just remain quiet. Remain very, very quiet it It should subside The double jiggle. The double jiggle. You may hear a tut right Which is why I'm going to do this PowerPoint presentation in silence. It's all images Do not pull the red cable as that will alert a staff member to our presence here That's what you do you a deal isn't? pull the red.? the red cable. the staffmber comes in says, Have you got an emergency? We go We did, but everything's fine now and we walk out and it's like they'll go in and it's like Oh damn, he's done it again, but we can't prove it because everything's gone. The samoar's gone. The Helet Packuard printer is' in the rugsack. The samoar coffee. I've to it the whole samoonar. I've swallowed the samuroar. I Well thank you flash the inter turn down the toilet. The CEO you were meeting is just attached to the ceiling has they not be seen it? He' pting I' painted him white cream I'veaintedagnolia,' painted into the ceil in the ceiling just looks like it's B I shaby a bit lumpy and has some eyes. c nice cufflings It's a nice scuffing, but we can't prove anything And they can't prove anything, and he's gone againain he's done He's had another meeting again, but we can't prove it Oh you know what I've got in my pocket in my desk that reminds me. Not a costa toilet key Now I've got a Nero toilet had it for over three years to they get you into any neo toilet W it's still on the chain. It looks like a kind of medieval key that would open like an old wooden door. It's on an anti theft chain. I know. that's how brilliant I am. Well, you'd never go into an era without a crowbar, do Absolutely. I am the scarlet pimpanel of London's toilet. He's struck again. If he's not having a meeting, he's taking our anti theft key from under our very noses. He's so brilliant and he always leaves his trademark calling card that smell He's so brilliant. Oh, I'd love to meet him now day. What are you talking about? He's criminal, Goddamn youer. He's an outlaw. Yes, of course we all secretly love him Wh' we not? I'm marrying Henry Packer. No No daughter of mine Daddy, L look look at the walls of our downstairs toilet. There's already a framed photograph of the two of you married. He's put it up. He's done it behind my back and you've got married by Looks like you were married in. That's right, d, dad. toilets off the Albert Hall, Hge cathedral like toilet and the Albert Hall H Married by the toilet attendant, by the most high ranking toilet attendant in Britain If anyone knows of any reason why these two may not be married, speak now. Flush now Okay It's just someone using the hand dryer. It's fine Let me see if I can catch the bouquet of turds I'm imagining you now as a kind of phantom of the opera. L you're in charge of the subterranean world of London's subterranean toilet. I am, Well they're all linked. Come with me Through the misty sewers. Through the famously good toilets at Hyde Park Classic wit lift awkwardness, I suppose British, I suppose we were the most aw, you know, were of the most awkward All sets of people, aren't we So possibly that we suffer from lift elevated awkwardness worse than other people in the world. but obviously if it's just you in one other person, that's awkward, isn't it in a lif? Sometimes people sort of look at the corner or something You know what I mean? Ct really knows where to look in an elevace is the B Sometimes they'll be in a mirror which is we can't look in the mirror. So it's do you the question is if it's just you and someone in the liift, do you Stare at the other person. Yeah solidly Do you just close your eyes? Close your eyes Do you stick your hand out and say Hello. Let's do this. Let's do this. I know it's awkward, but we're just people at the end of the day We've been thrown together in this crazy life. Would you like to go caravanning with me Yeah ens Yeah S We're going down Up and done. that's like life, isn't it? You go up, you go down, comeome on. let's try. Oh you pressed floor four, but why don't we just ride all the way up to seventeen together you and Let's take a liftp it Let's take it because You know, you spend your whole life working for the man and when do you have fun? Let's just take our shoes off. Let's bloody do this. Let's take our shoes off. let's fill the elevator with water And blit Swim around Aquvator. Why not? Hi. Hella, you know what? this city Millions of people every day we look through each other like we're not there. Hello. I'm I'm Henry and I see you, I see you. You're real to me. And I'm real. Yes, yes, I'm crying and laughing and I don't know I don't know which emotion I'm feeling, but I'm feeling something, goddamnit Oh sor, this is your floor, is it? Oh sorry. okay, yeah, sure. nice to me. Yeah. yeah than. I just want to press all the buttons. press all the but Yeah, all including the emergency I probably shouldn't have pressed that one. Who cares? Maybe the fire fire department people want to meet someone too as well. Yeah. Mbe we should all why don't I set my trousers on fire B blooddy see what happens. why don dot we have a fire in here Let's have a firefight. Let's see how much stuff we can set on fire This old paint it looks very flammable. It was probably built before the era and they took the stuff seriously. this old lift could probably go up and a fire ball. And yeah, we'll be on fire, but we'll be alive for a short period of time. Yeah, we'll be about to die, but we'll be alive while we're dying, won't we Yeah, I'd take the stairs for you, Henry. st the stairs Okay, that was elevators Thank you, Elizabeth Ver veryoroughly explored as a topic. as never before I'm sorry if it was a bit toilet centric that episode, I feel that was my fault and I apologise. I'm going to create a sort of mega digestive tract section Yeah, Jingle. Can you just record for me, Henry I think it was in your Habsburg voice. Can you say? Digestive tract talkal, extra J it tract talk extra. Oh no and Yeah Do know what Is that Pam Yeah Yeah, I it's a safe betet, isn't it? If it wasn't pam, you'd have something to worry about. Yeah. If it's not Pam then I don't want to know because I don'll have a dealet. Yeah. Re ready for email? Ready for emails. that's what P is saying. Ready for e thatday? Yes, Thank you to everyone who's emailed us at threereebean Salad pod at gremail dot com U now this first email U Okay, this is the beginning of twenty twenty two and you start fresh page. A new leaf. Clean laundry cleanly laundered duvet cover set. An forgiving mindset. Indeed a newly born fawn still covered in a kind of film A sort of yeah, a sort of slimy film. Well, that's how I felt until I read this first email. Okay ye Just quickly, a soft hoof that has yet to feel the earth beneath it W its feet. It's h. It's hf. At which point it'll quicken and harden it can even harden but just momentarily It is the softest thing on ear Except the underside of a mousepad Dear Beans H. Good tidings It's been swell to see the relative success of the podcast so far Oh Here's to the Patreon becoming a huge success Hopefully you're paid well enough to never have to do another live show. Fingers crossed ee how It's got be sperms. Oh It's gotta be Sperurbs. You know what? I bought a set of balloons saying Keep going, Henry.. I always inflate them at this time of year. They're bloody huge, aren't they? to get all that writing on? fucking massive. bother this I I'm just gonna let them down. I'm going gonna let them straight down, I think this year. I'm going to He continues, I've noticed a lot of listeners are submitting their own remixes of the opening jingle This has inspired me to write my own and I hope you enjoy it. I know nothing about musical or composition so it should be on a par or even better than the other jingles on the show Don't hit us in the jingle. All right, mate, okay. All right. Yeah, can you can have a laugh. Yeahah, you can make fun of us You don't go for Ben in his drink. a red line. It's the one thing you don't do Anyway, he writes Happy Hold Days Surbs and he has included his version of the theme tune, which I can now l you both Oh my god Well certainly wouldn't I wouldn't recommend it as a sort of F Dance seeer wedding. It's not first Dance seeer wedding stuff, is it? It's probably not good for a sort of commercial sort of radio jingle portfolio. Yeah, I wouldn't put it on a voice really. Yeah, D definitely definitely your radio to Jeremy Vine sort of jingle We've been for the first time audio burbed We've been audio spured. But it takes it out of you? Yeah. I'm feeling deep fatigue I feel hollowed out. I'm feeling rinse or I feel internally rinsed. canan we slap ourselves back into life with Cheer email or perhaps a brisk listener Bllacking. anythingy like that? Yes, mayaybe it's time for listener Bllking of the week. I might do it. Accessing listener Bllacking Gar and loading the su all all loaded Henry, are you ready for I won two bunch of Bllockings. U as I'll ever be Here we go No ballking for Mike this week. Yes. Oh This is one I need to get me out of the spurbs fug. Listen about B looking for HP from Matthew. Three beans In the recent eight minute ramble to say there was no episode which was our last episode. Penny pack is in line for a ballocking. He asserted that in order to prepare the turkey haam Ursats dinner thing The whole thing should be dropped into something way, way below zero, so we're talking minus five hundred Celsius No now might you're a man of science. Sure. Can you predict what this bllocking might be in the shape of? Is it something to do with like Kalvin or absolute zero Is it that sort of thing? He writes. As we all know, the lowest temperature possible is minus two hundred seventy three point one five degrees Celsius. Absolute zero. So that he writes, so the choice is clear. He can either explain how his literid nitrogen process breaks the laws of our known universe or accept hisbacking with good grace. Take it away, Henry I'm Acepto or reflecto What's he called this guy That was Matthew Matthew, so Professor Matthew to you Matthew seems to forgotten Minus two hundred and seventy four point one five. Oh. So you're saying you get to minus two hundred and seventy three And then Whatever that is make it's colder. getet it a bit wet and put it outside. Exactly Or shove an ice cube down. to do anything to make something a bit colder to it Yeah, open the window hold it. get one of Be on it Get one those many fans Just fan it for a bit. Lick it then blow on it makes it even colder. I probably probably drop it a couple of degrees Put it a place with a chilly atmosphere socially. Be there's more than one kind of temperature, takeake it to the reception area of a Quite a little snittoty hotel The writs. particular the receptionary area the rits, I imagine the Aswer is actually in there so there's a jilted, Gildted groom standingwh A the reception Well be add to and to the frosty Wellby. He'll feeling frosty. Mny. ' being jilted So that's taking that's laying a couple of degre Maybe pour an ice cold pint of Sam Miguel on it. Nice crisp cold pint. Crisp and fresh and cold V go Matth. So Don't quite know what hes on about. Also, so he say he's saying minus two hundred and seventy three is zero. Is absolutely zero zero Absolute zero So I mean We'll see what's that m? We' see on about I don't know if we should even really be entertaining. It's just Also, once you have an absolute zero Absolutely we're talking this is science here. We're trying to be preive. Oh that's absolute zero.ah Have you heard that new cleplay album? It's absolute rubbish. It's not about opinions and stuff, is it Is it zero isn't? I don't know if it's abolute if you think it's absolute zero.?' absolutely zero, then there's really zero Really Yeah, exactly, really zero. There's bloody zero. Yeah. It's really bloody zero Oh Obviously there's the whole Celsius Fahrenheit. Oh well, he's written a PS to deal with this. Okay,ah right. PS. If he clas to have got his Fahrenheit and Celsius mixed up Okay which would give minus four hundred and fifty nine degrees, I call horsehit regards Matt Wow. You just step ahead of you I didn't understand any of what he said. The point he made was that even even had you metant Fahrenheit, you'd still be wrong Well, it's not my area I'll admit that Because your area of course is Yeahep, exactly. So DN I know that there's a thing isn't it. One of them is zero at freezing point, isn't it Celsius, ye. A freezing point of water, you mean? Yeah ye not turkey ham. Maybe the absolute zero turkey ham is different Yeah, it might be that we need a new unit So which is the one where zero is freezing for water? That's Celsius. Celsius or centigrade. I've never really worked out what the difference is Okay, which is of bonw They go O course, bloody hot outside It's twenty nine which is one where they go, of course bdy hot outside It's one hundred and fifteen Celsius works for both Okay. ust in the second example Eone gets broiled So'd be more like Oh it's bloody hot outside. I'm dying, and you're dying. like some sort of apocalypse. It's taste to the end of the day. Why did you set this elevator on fire ' got'sy h outside, you might want toar flip flops. Yeah But you can as far as it. Now you can keep planning for your life for the next year. And plus Which of those do you prefer I feel I know my way around Celsius a bit more. Yeah, anyone saying Fahrenheit living in the UK is a wrongan You see? This is one of those things where I have come up against this time and time again in my life, time and time and time again Which the which one is fucking work And I cannot remember literally this' making no traction at all. I cannot remember it. I've got no idea Absolutely no idea which is which Even now we've just been talking about it. I don't know which one is the one where thirty is hot and which is the one where a hundred is you're going to die And and thir is hot and which is eith Have we found your like area of complete thickness? This is where I have total Well, Matthew was trying to introduce the concept of Kelvin into it, which is a new one. Please don't. Let's not even go there. Kelvin's the one that starts zero is absolute zero So what does that mean absolutely s? Do that mean what else freezes? Everything freezes? Everything freezes molecules stop moving. although we you've proven that's absolutely. Rubb. Yeah, of course we've proven that's not true. but I think Henry could get it colder by blowing on it It wouldn't change anything because it's so cold anyway. Okay Which one's gas mark for I' done quite a lot of cooking over Christmas. W that you always Is that was a dan on or off Again, I don't know. I don't know. It's always a pizza. That's the one. I think just get takeaway pizza from now one, Henry. Yeah. I think that's easier isn' it Okay, well, is that probably learn? Is that an accepto or a reflecto? It feels I think it's watchatch this Bllock He's put the Bllock on ice I think the bollock's on ice, it's going to run this boock' going to run and run watch they All right, next ball of can you ready This is from Kara She describes it in the email subject as a re refflecto balocking Ooh. A, I kind of be our first. Alica refraction Reractobolic She says I'd like to provide a much needed re refflecto backing in response to Henry's one hundred and eighty degree reflecto bolock on the Trokce Fidge freezer debate from the last episode Yeah And you know what, by the way, before she that actually sat with me for a while, that reflectobocking do dwell dear Henry You do dwell on these things. I dwell on these things. and high did think that I might possibly need to add a couple of caveats sometimes I can't see the wood for the trees with the bollocks Are you trying to get these chas in before the re refflectorbolach Well, I'm trying to header her reflectorlector ref reflector bollock off at the past, but the nuts spin Yeah. fine go let her carry on. sorry. As a North American, I can confirm that some of us do indeed have giant cathedral fridges that you can walk into. But these fridges like yours do have freezers attached. At the top or bottom orre sometimes on one full side of the fridge. We may also have a separate freezer tubs of ben and jerries and carcasses. But many of us find our fridge freezers sufficient And she says, and we do differentiate between these two compartments Eggs go in the fridge Chalock ices brackets fudgesickles as they're known in Canada Go in the freezer And she sent us a photo fudge sickle of a fudge sickle. Qite a sickle is quite disturbing, idea So she's just letting you know that you know you are you are getting quite high on your horse and saying that in North America, they have a completely different fridge and freezer setup than we do and they could never understand what you meant But it turns out it's not so different So what's your counter atttack, Henry? Are we for the fact that she refrigerates her eggs or are you going to Well I've got a few different I've got a few different ad hominent in my would Before you go ahead, Henry, to let everyone know as a point of order This will become a reflecto Re refflecto Bllock. if Henry goes ahead with this If I can pull this off. Also looking at the fudgicles she you sent in the picture, I don't think they are chocol. I mean, you if you want to do a sort of sideways flanking bollock, which hasn't I'd get you out of this without having to engage with the actual main point. A fred chickle is not a truckice And It's in the shape of a sickle. No, it's like a solid bar of frozen fudge on a stick, which is not what a shock ice is. And so I believe we can from there begin if you would like Henry to chip away at Car' Integrity? Integrity or her reliability reputation As a witness here, essentially Yes, that will be my approach to this count. It's essentially sort of a fruit of the poison tree Yeah, to exactly Yes, I think she's undermined herself there byy the way, I kind of say u D dealing with all these blockings, I do find that it takes its toll on me. I get very, very tired. And you're looking a bit tired now. Yeah, I'm feeling really tired. And Ben I do like the idea that if I could sometimes slightly delegate some of the Reflective bocking to you as a sort of first line of defense I'm almost like think of a top prosecutor. Yeah Possibly Yeah. I mean I think't really have time to deal, you know necessarily with all the You're on a team, you're on a legal team. I need a team that know my philosophy stands. Or if I was the CEO of receiving Bolicking's HQ Exactly. You're receiving thousands of botlkings every day. Thousands of botlkings every day. I didn't have time to deal with those botlkings on an individual basis. And you want me to be the receptionist, essentially. to be the receptionist. To building you're just I got separate car wash in the basement or something Yeah, you're just youre just u chasing what looks like there's half sausage around the car park. No one knows what they' I dont think I could do that. No one knows what the hell you're doing. Is the so is being blown by the wind or has it got It's been bled around by the wind in a way that's quite moving potentially. Rike's running around possibly a metaphor for life. you've got to metap of for life And M Mike's found the metaphor so distressing and it's revealing so much truth about his state. He's running around with a sieve trying to catch it and squash it I used to deal with these balkings myself. Oviously, I'd have done my time. belieieve you me, That's how I got to where I am today, yeah But now I've moved upstairs. Yeah, sometimes I'm not gonna lie, I do miss it. I do miss it. sometometimes I miss actually having to deal with the bulicking myself and reflecting it myself and everything. I now delegate that to you, Ben, please. Yeah. and my huge team on The way you frame this whole CEO of Bolicin Corp I'm the receptionist. Mike's chasing a sausage dr in the car park. Cpletely. completely it misustands what a bullicking is, Henry Well it's a very individual I think you're being bollocked You and you alone are being bothlled. I can't do your prison time No but look Did you agreed to when you signed up for this company, you watched the video. You've sat in that room and you watched the video. It's not even clear if Mike's an employee or not I've just signed an MJ and been left to it in the car park. Every one of my employees believes in the system completely You're part of me, Ben That you're starting yourself like a if I get foed everyoneself like a CEO, but you are in fact, nothing more than a mob boss Very timely that you should make that connection. Yeah. ye. Is there that much different? Oh Wow. Hello everybody Another thing I'd like to mind is There's a lot of he said this, she said, he said I don't want it to things to descend into that kind of thing with Bllockings he said she said, Oh, he said Henry said this. He said that, you know what I mean? Right But I hardt find vaxid or anything else, given that it's just a podcast where He said the thing But he had to ye Yem me. And Also, I'm pretty sure I talk about the United States of America. I don't talk about when I say she talk about the North American land mass. I don't think in land masses It's not we're not living in pre political times. You think in national states? I think in nation states, political boundaries Yeah, multicoloud Matt of the globe That's what I deal with So I think she lives in sort of relief map world Wh it's all I live in the ridge in the sort of ridgy area. revisit The valleys yonder. No Is anyone are you still listening? I am. I think you're undermining yourself. Yeah I think Oh, am I? Yeah, I think so. I think you know I think we ide Let's draw line under it, but I think that was probably ortive reflecto Re Reflectoolic. I think that's probably which may not make its way all the way across the Atlantic with full force back to Canada They might fizzle out somewhere near the city Islands. They certainly won't make it to the Azores be washed up dead on the Ss of Labrador a few month' time Yeah I think that's all the emails we've got time to read do send us emails. They don't have to be bllking things either and Henry's, you know, really come under quite a lot of bllock pressure recently, so just some Any reflection on anything we've said is Yeah, more than u gratefully receiv Maybe you've got even more to say about elevators than we did. Who knows Anything will do Also, if you genuine, if you genuinely want to sort of learn about something, you could, you know, you do Google it that don't How you are underining the whole podcast Yeah o . ful Cancel that urn out. Yeah. well thanks everybody Now, of course, if you join our Patreon at patreon. com forward slash three beam salad at the Shean Beeen Tier That gives you access to the Sean Bean Lounge when we were there last night Yeah, it was a great night in the Bean lounge last night, wasn't it? Oh my god. ammazing. I mean it's always It was so fun. But last night stands out for me. Yeah. lovevely. So basically last night was Design your own board games night which was a huge hit. didn't I wasn't sure if it would work. But basically we opened up the games room which we haven't used for a far, but the So basically everyone had to bring their own gate the ball game that they designed And I wasn't sure if it was going to work, but that was until Mark Fippin turned up with his board game, which was yet too wooden sort of cases Any hand. and he popped them open And his game was it was called Doctor Doctor, Doctor.. Right? Each case had a doctor costume, didn't it? Yeah and then people had to dress up. So then I think it was Alex Colder dressed up in one of them and Ellie Wart dressed over the other. Yeah. And the game so you got two people then dressed as doctors and they had to operate on each other they had to operate under each other Yeah too the death with Luke Robertson as master of ceremonies. But of course he brought his own board game, hadn't he Well he was he' bghthilip Kavangh dressed as a board game. He'd slightly misunderood thatt he brought Philip Kavannergh was dressed up as Fucking Broncos. He hadn't got the memo. We'd only half the memo. I by the way I've agreeed for now I'm going to use memos anymore as way of communicating. They was too muchar what they are The people just don't get them fully. So he' got half the memo. That's right. So he' dressed up Well we discovered part of the reason people don't get them memos is because of Tenker who' down there are on good form, but Kim is a memo thief. So often if if if you didn't get a memo Was Kimchenka in the area at the time, may have been Kimch Leninkka, who took the memo? Well, that's it yeah, you never know, do? Sam Wilkinson was there of course. He Yes. Wk claimed to have got the memo, but he'd brought what he said was a game he'd made up that he was calling Mopoly But it he was pronouncing it mono pooly. And so that you didn't I' Ben, I didn't think you didn't give them enough credit for. you didn't give them time a day but I looked at it. And it's basically it's a game which suggests parallel world where it's still about finance and buying and selling properties. But imagine if there was only one person called Polly right in the world. Well Charlie Chimlovsky had a very similar game Pollly Pollly. whereere you imagine you set in a world where there are loads of pollies and you know an unusually large number of pollies and they're quite different. And that was caed the problems because he had lots of little poly figurines, which were the pieces. They were spilling onto the mono poly booard of course. becauseuse that's what Ben Wallace Oclock was doing. He was trying to Exactly Yeah, he was like picking up the poly pieces, trying to put them back You say don't ruin this game of monopoly with all your poly pieces. Exactly because they were skistering about the place. Well pieces by this, it was chaos Yeah, Speaking of pieces because of course Jane Carter. She brought aun Gum and was making us at gunpoint play Je Ger in which anyone Anyone called Jane would be stacked up into a pile of Janes. And then the top one would be shot off. you have to shoot the Janes out I think she had actually got the memo weirdly. there's no excuse at all. She'd got the memo, but she'd just chosen to go rogue with it. because of course, Geer is not a board game Exactly E there's no bard. nor is it two doctors simultaneously operating on one another. When you think about it that way? Well, that's true. So it was nice to be brought back down to earth at that point, wasn't it by Rebecca Leslie, who her ingenious game hasnt she'd invented called which was Rebecca Lesly's pandemonium staircase of kaidoscopic confusion. it Jonathan Schort was the first person to volunte Jonathan often will volunteer to go first with these things and he just disappeared into the game hasn't actually been seen since. No. Also any physical record of him has disappeared. It's a great shame as I was saying to John Ramsayer. Well J John Ramsaya hisis game So I remember this like, tell forgot this wr It was cold it was cold when like, The ferociously glowing eye of the omnatron beast. wasasn't it? Which sounded quite exciting, but it was just It was just, as far as I remember, it was a very blank board with one card on it, which said beware the glowing eye of the ulatron bast. And I think that was it. The ulatron bast of course, as it turns out being Nicola Donaldton, who does have a very glowing eye if you gaze into you sort of vanish into a sort of puff of blue smoke. so you shouldnt should look at a right eye not a left eye. And that was a mistake, of course made by Tess, who was there moments before she looked into Nicola's omatron eye and disappeared. And now yeah, there's the smallest amount of blue smoke left of Test, which we have kept in a vial in the hope that someone might be able to tell us at her reinstitute it. back into a full test. Yes. Which of course would be difficult because of course her surname also disappeared in the incident didn't? And I didn't think we'll ever get that back. No So a big night, I mean, lots of dispparight and deaths and it was, you know Quite a big kill count on But without the jeopardy part of the fun, isn't it? And also I did lose I lose I lost a couple of die It dice elome Rbert Kapsas Well I was using him as a shaker But I think he ended up walking home with them. so if he could send those to me maybe just st Give him a quick swab and send them send them first p. D don't clean right, J just swab ' them . D cleate them. There's no point cleaning them If you swab ' them and then send them me, and I'll just keep using them. If I do get ill, we might have refer back to your swab to find out's exactly what is yeah So thanks everyone. Lovely. So thanks to everyone who's signed up at the Patreon at patreon dot com for have three been salad Let's work out what theme I' gonna hear. I like to give you some some Options J ple We've got Gargled by three people Yeah Granulular Whale song home Cano centric version written in subtuplets modern jazz The violin Jesse Waynebar vers and Spaghetti Western There's been a few that have been waiting for a while haven't there violin, modern jazz I feel bad they They've been waiting for a while. I have a strong urge to hear the gargled to start the year with that. Okay. All right, but that's with the greatest respect to the others who have been waiting some time now. So Johnny Ed and Susie, wr right, Dearest Beans, I hope you're well. I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen with my sister, my brother in law, my parents' dog and a sense of not having accomplished anything in life thus far. Okay at least until three minutes ago Sne of us choked on some water, and so was born the greatest musical idea of this afternoon Behold, the three parts goargling of your theme tune, please enjoy rilliant. So thank you Johnyd and Susz Excellent. And Thank you for listening. See you next time Cheerio Bye. Bye.