Listener Emails and Monsters Inc

Holy cripes. Wh whoa who who who It be true? It's happening again as they learnt nothing Well welcome back everyone. We hope you had a good Early summer Is mayay early summer or is it late spring? late spring Yeah, I'd vote late spring. It's feeling late spring withher way. So just to be totally transparent that's because that's what we stand for here at three Bein S Transparency. complete transparency of process. And of process. bothoth, isn't it? And process is relations and process as well. And process. We process transparently throughrough the process, through the process. Exactly. And if our last brunch together' to go by Prosecco as well. Oh Oh boy No Really testing the word bottomless to its limit, to mean Well, I mean, you said he did that with your trousers, didn't you as well, which It's one of Bonjau's bottless topless awayays, isn't it? They are. Just wearing a belt. He wears it's always a different sponsored belt, isn't it? That's right. It was Helet Pacard. Thanks the boys at H the backackard. It's a belt and Wang snoode. don't worry too much.'s you know it's all above board. That's right. and a wang it's like a nosebag for a horse, isn't it? Yeah, it's just got a bit of feed at the bottom of it. It's got bit of feed. But honestly, when the three beans, when we hit a brunch bar,, it's absolute. Oh Isn't it? They It's literally riot police It will be broken up by riot police every time. Yeah. But we have a laugh for the riot police and Oh, can you put a bit brressaca on that riot cannon, please? Yeah We we're just a laugh, aren't we, really? We brunch. M I thought you said you could put anything in the omelets. I want two bottles of proseco, please, including the glass. Just crunch it up with a hammer. The riot omelets Yeah theyre right omelet. The police will often fire a giant omelet over there. it's anyway to containers, isn't it? Yeah ye's the legal deployment yeah of an omelette chef. R it's actually highly effective. It's very discombobulating if you are riot, I don't know if you've ever riot, but if you see an omelette chef on the sidelines. Start chopping those chives? Yeah, exactly. you get involved, of course you do But it's it's absolutely carnage isn't it? ' Often well we'll hire an entire wagon oners work't me just for the post brunch, for the nap. So the much pooping that next door But entire town centers because it's one of these things legally we can't be stopped from having brunch, so isn't it? It's one of those things But the police have to take a lot of money out of stuff isn't it? Yeah, It'sagnicart. The the sign says botomless, again. so at the bottom of theagnartter, it talks about bottom the sprunches though. Yeah., well, yeah, exactly. Yeah. That was one of the conditions of the bottomless Baron, wasn't it? That's right. Bobby Bristo, the bottomless Baron. Yeah. O Badford Tire But the fact is obviously, but we're quite nice about itiously. we inform the local police Good seeven hours that we before You arrive So at one time the nearest Royal Air Force base Yeah which have to be set on extreme alert. U And but normally it's quite friendly isn't it? they know it's coming, and they enjoy it. And in a way, it's a bit like when Tim Tim West Is that the serial kill or the actor? Which one And then there's John West the Tuner guy He could can anything, that man. He could can anything. But not the rumors. So what was your why were you invoking Tim West Is he the serial killer? No. A seeip of Timothy McVeigh? No, he's the unit bomber. Is a bumber Timothy West sadly died now I think, was an actor Okayry to pronou the scales. Yes, That's right. Yes. But what you don't know is what was in those barges, corpses, corpse upon corpse what of Lckmasters? What are you talking about? Bea they did canal boat holidays. I think they did a retirement canal boat did canals. Okay they become national treasures. Yes. they' done they'd done their rdy time on the stage and screen. Yeah. but they I think they faned a bit of a pensant top up and said, how about a free holiday They went up and down the length Bedh of Britain murdering lockkeepers and publicans. just smash it? absute. And that was the stuff they cut out of the documentary. They had no idea it was turned into quite a cozy sort of ITV gold type programme. It was intended to be the first visceral live streamed serial killer documentary, wasasn't thats what they intended And it was either that or Zorbing with Timothy Spul, wasn't it That's right. The two Ts all finally together. You never got to see that Yeah, but that's because you can't edit out a zorb when it's full of severed heads. if they're just bobbing about behind you in the Navon cananal system. Yeah. it's very easy to frame out.. It's easier to manage the whole thing No, but because you know the serial killer it was u Who was it was Rosemary andne, who was it Fred? Fred Fred? Fred sorry yes really unpleasant stuff to be bringing up. Yeah,d weird invocation Yeah Yeah, but I'm notly coming up proro them You haven't haven't finishedhing The segment yeah, okay Please give us the official three bean salad take on Rose and Fredway. Finally No people' wondering, horrific people. But he was there there was quite there was famous and video of him joking with his the police officers that were taking him to to call them back, which is quite sinister I was going to say that's bit a us when we go to do a brunch. go to a brunch together, joke we have a laugh at the place, but it feels like because we're capable of glib sociopathic charm. Exactly Exact Mondo, Michel. Maybe that could be our tagline for the podcast. capable of capable of sociopathic drum. But would you find it tiring? And eventually the mask does slip Anyway, I was I was trying to be transparent was' I Yeah I was saying that the date we're recording on is the nineteenth of May. so ye even though it's June for the listener, we are still in late spring Mired in late spring, I would say. Yeah, yeah. We're getting ahead of it. We're getting ahead of it,. Could capable of gllib sociopathic charm be the new lukewarm banter? couldould that replace it as a sort of unofficial mder pod could I mean, ye Yeahah I guess if weah, depends what we're trying to do. if we're trying if we're trying toit away from our really lovely listenership to a small pocket of high functioning sociopaths, you. enable them to function all the better on the corporate scene C capapable of a glib, sociopathic charm and perfect for a sociopathic coery of high functioning p sosociopaths. There's too many sociopath in that one. If I'm a sociopath, I don't care You can swap out one psychopath. That's fine. Oh yeah, o Be yeah, what we want to do is jettison our current very lovely listenership Yeah and just concentrate on a tiny number of very high net wororth individuals. Yeah, people who could really thrive at an Ams fair. Yeah those kind of guys Or the executive board of any British water company. Yeah, that wouldd be absolutely fine. Oh yes, that'd be good. We need to understand which sociopath we' going for, I think Yes. are we going for tech bros or everyones into tech bros though. I wonder if we should branch away from tech bros. I bet they've already got their training lined up. Let's go old fashioned and go dictator guys. Yeah, okay Some Junteras. Yeah. Yeahah, the jinta jostle Be we can be that thing where actually we've only got one listener But we could we could really wh that patreon fee up, couldn't we? Yeah, But if's if he's a really ambitious half coleronel somewhere. Yeah Yeah. And if he controls all the levers of power and, you know, in his own country. then we can actually become sort of an industry almost, which is life of government can' encourage him. we can tell him how to do it, Do you know what I mean?? Take control of the secret police, you know Get yourself a blog Install Henry as the state news reader. telling the citizens that our football team has won the World Cup again In phonetic, whatever the language is. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. work that out later There's a good plan this, and change the national draress to just one Hewlet Packard belt So a bit unusuals happening today, which is, I don't know if you can tell. But I'm Gting a face lift We can tell. Yeah He kind a work done.. That had a little bit of work done The face of' gone for is Well, normally they pull it back to the back of the head, and' they they've pulled it down from the neck. It's straight down from the neck. Yeah. It's making look very somber. They've pulled it straight down from the neck. So It's the opposite of a face it's face drop. It's a face drop. He's in a proper sulk. It's a full blown poty, isn't he? Ands it's a bit of a mess. But what that means is I've got a kind of the spare flesh gathers in a kind of a kind of pink fleshy sort of wall. just above my nipples. Yes. And you asked for our su your pouch, didn't you? I did ask Mip people p which was free. Can it sustain life Well, it won't fit my iPhone thirteen, which really pissed off about it fucking point. got the wrong charging ports. It's got completely the wrong charging port This has got a tiny fleshmbilical cord that you'd trying to stag into the bottom of your hphone is it does have wireless charging but for Android and I'm not Android that means I can charge my phone when So you can Yeahah yeah. So in theory you could post me a phone what once a week? Okay I can slap it in the pouch You can have some screen free time, which should be good for your mental health. Yeah. Thankk you And I'll send it back to you. Can you give it a wibe before we send it back Mbe run a microfiber clloth over it. It'll take more than microfiber clloth night? Yeah. Did they install a wet wipe dispenser in your And your belly button as requested? Yes,' not there. And you pull them out like like a magician pulling Hankies out of the sleeve. Yeah. This has just reminded me that something momentous has happened in my life. What's going to happen today? I made the decision this morning, as as I woke up, I had this thought in my head it was clear as day. Yeah that what I had to do today was throw away all of the cloths in my house and rebuy them. cloth reset. Yes, a complete cloth reset. Hang on, but you just complete so you're not even downgrading the cloths. So you're not even downgrading to them to like Toilet or car cleaning cloths or Bean machine Mucky business. Bean machine cloths I just think they've got they're almost past kind of really? They're so vile Okay, even there beyond even those jobs. Can I say I know exactly what you're talking about but it' such a confusing thing to keep track of the different cloths. got I've got a especially which ones go toilet What's important is What's important is that they don't come back again. Exactly. So you've got to have a sort of basically a kind of a kind of jagged sort of funnel system basically, you know there's trap jagged funnel system. You need to have a jagged funnel. It goes from your. It's the way you get into your toilet ish means you can get in, but you can't get out. I'm talking about, you know those traps you sometimes get for wasps and stuff where like a lunst a lot It's a thing where you get a jagged funnel, whichans which means the lot of the lobster Or wasp or lobster wasp fib with. they're basically the same thing. You know, and you know what I mean the be the beac can or the wasp can go through the jagged funnel into the can't come out again because the funnel's smooth on the way in but jagg it on the way back out Yeah, it sort of know what I mean. Essentially you You need to install one of those at least mentally, if not phys physically for your sponges and cloths so they get from the kitchen to the bathroom but they can't get get back in again, if you what I mean? Well the trouble is in your toilet is full of wasps as well. if you do it physically If it's fitting your joint, we will be fill of wasps swings and roundabouts. But I think if you could design kind of a kind of sponges that have a kind of, well essentially that have wasps that a wasp like Right thenen you could trap them in your bathroom, you know what I mean? I think I need a color coded system Okay. Oh, like your chopping boards. Yes, exactly. I need to buy pack of Brown us w for wiping meat. No no, no D't the h got to be clear, you can't get confused about this. It's crucial. Ton't to use your checken cloth the bog. Otherwise you'd have to use the reverse moniic, which I use for where to put the recycling in the building that I live in. You've got no business using reverse mneumonics. I shouldn't be allowed to access to reverse mnumonics. You fools Be I've got a reverse and mumonic, which is I so when I take the recycling which is paper, card and that kind of stuff, that kind of recycling down to the to the been basement in the building I live in too big Way Bins One is black And one is green, yeah. So Here's my reverse new monic, which I do every time I go in This is pay per cycling that I hold in my hand This is paper reccing. This is good for the planet. Green is good for the planet Green is good for the that, but it's a reverse mnemonic. It's not in green. And I put it in the black and then it ran out. I'm not confident I it G got it right sounds like you haven't been it right? I might not got it right. C can't get it right. Surely the green is the recycling. No, that's they've got it the wrong way around. So its how to use a reverse newumormous crazy gle is this It's asking for trouble, surely But it's not the council, it's the building. I don' know it works. But it's the same thing with February, which I've talked about before on the podcast, but I've got myself into it I've trapped in a reverse mnumonic loop, with the word Febrary I will never now to spepell it ever. It's impossible because I'm so deeply stuck in the water because of the reverse mnemonic, which is February. It's got an R in it, or it doesn't. You think it would, but it doesn't. or you wouldn't think it would, and it does It's one or the other. I don't know now. I'm too lost in a kaleidoscope. I can never ever be retrieved from it. E it's not possible So be careful't bite That's why they don't do brown sponges. Its for exactly this reason. the people of Sonttex have been through this. ye Do you know who Sponts are? Yeah they make sponges. They make sponges. So Ben, here's the problem I've got at the moment I've got a sponge which I put on toilet Juty. Yeah Gone into the toilet. Old faithful That's the name of spponge not the Ty is What was called the Faithful, which is also the name of my S.t Bernard the sprurnad is not allowed, can only go from the toilet to the kitchen not allow back again. I remember that morning when you found that the sponge had had a dog laid around it, collar. had been flushed My tiny barl of brandy. Well you've been walking for the last week. So I've got one that's in there, I'm not. Now I've got a distinction which is If it cleans the toilet, can it clean the sink Do I need distinctions? So do I need a second wasp trap around the toilet? Yeah. Which case I'm living in a series of metallic wasp traps Yeah But what do you think, Mike? No, that's very clear. I don't think that's a tough one, is it? You Whatate are youre using to wash the bog is, I mean, that's sacred. ye, that's one purpose I mean, that's how you could identify bots by asking that question Okay, yeah, would you even consider for a second cleaning a toilet and a bath with the same thing? E for a second. And as soon as you go you're a boss, you're a bossctor. you're getting wippe so you're going to the microwave. Also, I haven't said the thing I was trying to say, which is there's something different about how I'm podcasting today, which is there's a dog in the room Oh no Yeah. It's your neighbor's dog. This this is from the building This is my ne's do my neighbor's dog. W they be happy to say hello or are they I a I sooze someone I to disturb. they're having a little sooz. Now I'm going to protect the identity of this dog. Okay You'll give us a breed though,n't Paint a pict It's a Ccker Panther So because they're very good because they don't molt, do they? They don't molt.'s hogenic. It's completely hypererogenic. Yeah. It's one of these classic urban mix and match it's they will stal. at night Yes. they'll stalk allright. Yes. if If you get up in the night for a ways or something like that, that you will be stalked somethow. You'll be stalked. Yeah And obviously because it's a panther, the chosen mode of killing is removable of face, isn't it? it's something to bear in mind when you buy them because they do look delightful at the puppy stage. just to be clear that it's the half cockat two, half Panther. completely airborne as well So they're a fucking nightmare basically. They look so cute on Instagram though they look delightful. Oh yeah, especially if they've got flat Yeah, especially in They can do a great impression of a ringing phone, can't they? They can pick up sounds around them as well. They can imitate the sounds around them, which is , That's why' wearing decoy face then. That's why' wearing complete deco face. There'shere you're wearing natur face today. Okay But yeah know no, it's a cute dog called. I'm going to call him U Solomon And the wise coapanther. Solomon the wise cockapanther. But today I gave me a little walk before the pond. And I did my first poo bag experience If I am, Well, because well it's basasically obviously because it's Cf cockapoo half.cause people probably say half cock cockapoo People say which turds will it have? Will it have the cockadoo? Yeah. The liquidy bird turds or the bone heavy pany turds. And it's a mixture of both. it's bone heavy liquid. A kind of bone broth yeah, it's kind of a bone broth Yeahah, sort of broth in a bone chalice. It's broth and gor It just forms an incredibly heavy puddle, which is quite a weird Quite weird's quite hard to pick up. So Ill just cover it in cooking oil and then move on seals its own. But now I was carrying say this one it does really little poops because it's a very sweet little dog's really little ones whichich are fine because the first time it's happened on my watch. You shut on your watch Yeah I el sm. I was I always set I always set my clock to the u Id Meridian Itad Redian. And it was fine because becausecause the other dog that I sometimes nd time with is my brother has a dog, which is absolutely massive. So this one I'm looking after today is a tiny little one of these toiley little cute. other' the Rodadianrad, isn't? Gons Radesioneelad. It massive. completely micey. And the turns it does are full pavarottis, ye. Aolute. U Yeah alreadyian bridge back Yeahah, you can tie in their turds. if you do do a sort of graph or a spreadsheet it'll match exactly the sort of missing p persons in your local borough Exactly. because almost always theylevating a person and they'll wait to wait. Yeah 'use he didn't digest any of it today. it's just for the just for the fibers for the love of the game. And for the game Yeah, the fiber comes from the clothing. Yeah exactly. Yeah, the fiber comes from the clothing It's interesteresting, isn't it They're actually in it for the clothing. People didn't realize that. It's like cinemas they arere actually in it for the popcorn. Re and Ridback so when they eat you, it's actually for the clothing. It's not what you'd expect. Which is why people often the last noise they make is, o. Solomon is going to be picked up by his owner Any second now. So what I've done is hurt. Solomon's biscuit back in the pack And I put his water down the sink and I packed everything into the special bag.iscu Do you mean like kibble? as in his regular meal? You don't mean like treat biscuits? Well, they let me s out myself. so I assumed So I got Gadibaldi wagon wheels. and messed it up. It's pb orange in the packet All this mushed up. with some pork mint. Yeah. You're basically the thing I'd serve on a date. Yeahes. Yeah So how is Solomon reacting to the fact you've taken away his delicious? But now Solomon is probably classic dog Now he suddenly It's sniffing around the empty bowl that had biscuits in it. But had no interest when there wereual biscuits in. But there was no interest when there were actual biscuits But also Henry, don't forget you'll be projecting a bit here you don't like you panic when Y access to snacks is restricted That's right. Yeah. empathy wise, you'll be you'll be suffering at the moment. Is that will happ happenens is Solomon will be okay, but you'll be yeah. ye. I know I can feel your panic rising because you're I'm panicking. You're emotionally perfectly attuned to Solomon at the moment I've actually noticed that we're very emotionally similar And there's the whole lipstick willillie thing. Yeah you do of something thing I've noticed about Solomon is I feel he reflects my mood. Is that something that dogs do in general? because so if I'm feeling like, if I'm sort of excited, he's excited. Yeah and he literally starts to them do that, I think ye Yeah Wh is lovely, It's kind of like a fairy mirror. Yeah, S some of them reflect or some of them will sort of like do what they need to do, right? Right What would they do mood wise Pam is mostly interested in love. She just wants love. Okay. But if you were sort of stressed or something like that, she wouldn't get stressed She'd like, if you're at home, she'd be like, comeome on, let's chill out. let's go for some Tommmy jeackles and have a good time, you know. It's a little creepy sounding, isn't it? So that is it love in that kind of private is what it is. But is it loveve in a kind of yeah, it's all about loveve. Actually, when you look at the behaviour, is it okay Yeah, what do you mean is it okay? I know. This is the greatest love story ever told. But we've had to ree examamine a lot of these things, haven't we? The seventies, sixties all about to spb, but was that actually okay? Here' what Pam is doing? Okay to you, Mike. Are you okay, Mike? ' we're here for you No she just wants affection and cuddles and stuff. Yeah. she will reflect. if like I think if we're out and about, like she'll definitely pick up on vibes of if you're talking to someone that She doesn't know, but you either you like them and you're pleased to see them. She'll clearly like to relax. If you're tensed up like . U'm exactly there there again And he still hasn't replied to my email about my new parking solution for Exterownsend, which is you park the cars facing downwards He's just too blinkered. He's too blinkkered into into park in gullies Kaidoscopic parking gullies. You do it like they do in Japan, I think. Which is the smaller cars park inside the bigger cars. it's like Russian cars I thinkink all the cut of space inside a car that's wasted when it's being parked P three m peds in that. You can put three pe meds in that. Put that in the back of a van, put that in the back of a lorry S I turn on the be machine? Does please. Normally we play my Beam machine music, but James from Manchester has sent in a rendition of the Beam machine jingle in the style of the noise artist, author and punisher T. Thank you, James. This is not something I'm familiar with at all. He writes, I feel that the frankly horrifying sounds I've produced for this abomination suitably reflect the horrors of the bean machine itself We'll good on you for going there, James Oh, blly me Don't be trying to get on the playlist at any national Trust tee rooms It wass pretty amazing, actually. It wasn' quite be machine to be there wasn't it? was intense. Yeah. Quite gotothic, quite bollin, quite dark It's quite a man in a snorkel swimming around in a vat of human pest. Is that what yousociate Berlin with I think someone told me that they saw that it wasn' happening in Berlin But you've got to know someone local to get that kind of thing someomeone local. You won't just stumble across that kind of place. That's not happening at the Brandonburg Gate is it So this week's topic Asentin by I'm not sure how you'd pronounce this name M U N A S H E. I think Monash Okay Yeah. Yeah. Monash writes, they're Birmingham Hello, I'm a new listener and I' very quickly getting through the back catalogue. I recently started karate and I am totally loving it. The topic is Martial arts M I did Judo At school How fun to get Wh Selt You're looking at an orange mate. Wh away! Yeah Wha, whoa. That's really low down. really low low's low Not as low as white. It's not as low as as low as white But it's really low. But from a color point of view, white is all the colors, That's how I argue it. Oh, I think it goes back to white Maybe I ha't remember that wrong with Judo. There's like there is like black belt and there's s white belts as well sort of So you're either total novice or actually control time Yeah Julie. Exactly Gad master. Exactly. He can take me back to when I was four, slapped me in the face, then took me back to the future. Use time's weight against itself Yeah So which one is the one Judo's mainly kicking? is that right? No, no, no, no far. There's no kicking or punching. It's all throwing and grappling and arm locks and that kind of stuff. It's not harsh impact of ' you're never punching or slapping Using someone else's momentum to sort of tip them over and all that kind of stuff. Yeah and then hold them Potin's interpt. Yes The reason I thought I'd be okay at it. at school it was an option was because I'd be scared of punching or hitting or pain because I hate pain Yeah. abbsolutely hate it. Well, in karate or something you could get a bruise or whatever. you could get that kind of pain. But in Judo, it's kind of it's all just forces without edge that it's like that someone could grasp you and through sheer sort of Force, pop your rib cage out. Eactly. Yeah ye. So it's the kind thing they teach you how to fall down, isn't it basically Yeah But then there'll be other things like be like your craft Mags and things that are specifically designed to be maximally damaging Tv McG Yeah I don't know much about the Israeli one. That's the Mossad one. But the whole point of that is to literally like it's fighting dirty, being as nasty as you can I really But I think it's been developed for like people who might behind enemy lines kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? Right. So it's not I mean, if Like if you know someone who tells you they're learning crab Magar on YouTube or it, that's someone to stay well clear on, basically. I what they want to put an excuse to pull someone's throat out. Mike, if you're talking about my friend Tony,, why have you got such an issue? Grab Magar Tony. Crab Magar Tony. keep's pulling the people's scrotums offest smallallest propagation pounds them down and turns them into a protein paste. So he can crab Magar all the best. Yeah. And if you eat as I do, two spoonfuls of that protein paste a day, it means you can have access to his special magnesium package as well. where he sends you magnesium hats canan I profer a potentially contentious point of view. Yeah Please day R martial arts. Y pase I sort of associated it largely with children. Yes because it's kind of something that kids might do as a kind after school club or whatever In my experience, Yes. It's the dvious kids that are doing martial arts. something There's a kind of dvianness to it. Is it adjacent to magic in a weird way you know what I mean? Maybe It's a sort of skill that can be learned Right. But also there's I think a lot of people do enjoy like the karate kid Myth. Do you know what I mean? the put upon outsider. maybe just one day just o actually'm not I'm not going to use my skills because if I use my skills. But fundamentally at its core, it's about beating the shit out of my m. Thumb is a weapon Yeah I kill you and your mother with my thumb. What's that? Your mother's currently in Kent and we're in Siberia. I know. I'm using the thumb to pilot a drone. Ccause drones make a lot of these skills kind of pointless, don't they? It is a bit moot, isn't it? Yes. Yeah. I can kick a cup off your head and you won't even feel it okay No you can't check where your legs were. Yeah, they're being consumed by my drone.. They'd being solely bathed in an acid hellfire in hellfire, which also anesthetizes you at the same time. so you didn't even realise that you haven't got any legs now. You're actually just a nipple in a nose which I keep as a Jrophy We learn this skuff is not to beat people up. Now If you do genuinely something which isn't about beating people up, EG playing Fiers side football, that you don't have to be telling people as often that it's not about people beating people up. what mean? Well Canal boating, for example Well, they often don't even say it' for self defense, right? I could understand that. I can understand someone G off and learning IKDa or whatever' saying But you know If I get mugged or something, I want to be able to at least be able toort trip the person over and run away. But usually they don't say that this it's about the It's the culture of it. It's the discipline. It's the discipline in the spiritual side. It's not about being really good at breaking someone's nose. And it's not about punching people I know that's a weird way to introduce this seminar on the nosebreaking punishing. Iid. I'd be doing it because like yeah, so today we'll be doing kicking people in the ar, but remember It's not about kicking people in the ass. And you can only really not kick someone in the ass. According to the martial arts kind of philosophies, you can only truly not kick someone in the ass if you know exactly how to kick them in the ass and choose not to do it. The fact is, if you know exactly how to kick someone up the ass There's more of a chance that you might end up doing it than me, for example. If you've trained your legs, if you've trained your muscle memory to be really good at killing people in the ass. Yeah, you know, who knows or my or, you know, might just Might it happen, rightight ye I sort of feel like if I trained for ten years be good at karate. Yeah in a kind of leisure center context environment. Yeah If I was then in a back alley and someone said, giveive me a wallet, yeah It wouldn't kick in I don't think even if I just know give them. There's probably an attitude thing as well, isn't there? right? Becauseuse that person may not have done karate, but they might also have a padlock on the end of a chain and be willing to exactly Yeah you might be less willing to C I say I like the way we've created completely artificial and non real kind of conflict situation, which is based on like comic books of the nineteen seventies or something. Ben is in something called a back alley. like what is that? Why would you ever be in a back alley? Not just any alley? No, no, no. It's a back alley. Ben's in a back alley being mugged. Someone walks in Karate. Yeah and then it' freshally awarded today And And someone hass walked in with a padock on in chain that they're sort of like spinning around their head. presumably they were wanting his cash, which Ben hasn't been carrying for ten years. But basically, the whole thing to me seems very homerotic. I'm picturing someone in a very tight little wh white t shirt with muscles bristling They're rotating the chain above their head. You can see their muscular armpits. There's sweat flying everywhere Ben's just wearing a Het Packard belt. We're being lit by the neon sign of the back of a chip shop? Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah whichich is doing that. The's steam coming out of the street making the whole thing even more steamy. Yeah. and it's glistening the flesh is very much glistening Kurt Russell's there? Yeah, Kurt Russells with a mass f Fedora. smokeking a fag. the sort of fire exit of some sort of the Fedor is so big, it's inverted and he's sat in it like boozing.. And it's full of pink champagne I just think that a lot of people We'll do the training and then if it were ever to come to it, it's just not gonna to happen, is it? ' the other the say, the other person is just gonna to be sort of a mad yeah, will have the will to really hurt a person. and also to get hurt. because that's the thing about fights, isn't it? Like actual fights, everyone gets hurt. I don't know if you' ever witnessed a fight on the st It's not about hurting and it's not about fighting. And if that's what you think, then get out of this how to hurt people through fighting class? Because it's not about hurting or fighting. That's the one thing Yeah Mayaybe I'll start my own martial art, which is entirely about the art of running away as fast as possible. Yes And what you'd have to do to carry on the logic, you'd have to say this is about punching people in the face. That's what that's what this is. you are that person. You' going to get punched You're going to get punched in the face. fast You can't punch a punch bag, if that punch bag has got an Uber. If that punch bag has stayed in if that punch bag with its Xbox is h to the back alley in the first place. Yeah. Yeah. That's what the martial art is all about. If that punch bag is watching Slow Horses seeason three. Good luck punching it. It's Bonjo, stay at home. If the martial arts stay at home. Stay at home, runa away. You like it. Yeah. And what's the belt system It's just the belt off a dressing gown That's the belt for dressing g. And as you go through it, the belt gets more like luxurious and more toweled more Valeure Yeah with more pom poms. Yeah. There's so many pom poms, you can't see the belt anymore eventually. Yeah. The final one is a heavily pom pom purple Valeur belt. Yes, with a little Valeur purse that you could put sort of hand creams in and things like that. Oh, lovely ye ye I think the thing is Ben, if you were to learn a martial art I think There's a steep curve in terms of your likelihood of getting your face crunched in at some point in your life I think it definitely goes up initially If you're learning a bit of a martial arts becausecause I'm someone that knows I can't do anything in a find. So I've developed this sixth sense of I see danger coming like three blocks away, whatever. I cross the road, I'm aware of where there are shops I can run into. I'm aware of bus routes, I can jump on a bus. You know what I mean? I know how to get like I've got this kind of I've built in this kind of pre defense mechanism I've just staying out of trouble. You can disguise yourself as a dog waste bin like that. C't you? Like that. And he's disappeared. Yeah. You will eat ten tds I eat ten tds. Poodle. Fx. Ladoo, Rcker poo, Non aoo. Ladoo. I can eat any London dog an you move Yes, I've got the mouth infections to prove it That was from a wolferoodle, wasn't it? That was a wolfoodle, which was't bad for. Whereas I think if you've got a bit of If you're at like, you know, you're three months into your karate course or whatever I think at that point I the most The most dangerous point with any any hobby before you've come to the point where you've understood how ignorant you really are. Yeah. Because also at that point you might think you're a bit tasty. you might give someone a bit back. I know that So what I can do is in an extreme situation, if I can't escape, I can't run on a bus, if I can't run down an alley, you can start weeping uncontrollably It's cowering. It's cowering. pitiful cowering. Pitiful cowering. So that's going to involve weeping. It's going to involve wailing. I can actually wail. Snot. Yeah I can make a kind of plangent No lying about the number of children you might have. Yeah, please. I've got eight children, please please. I look after a rocker doodoo twice a week It's almost like it's not worth a hill fromrom the point of view of the aggressor. it's like this isn't even a notch on my fight post. You know what I mean? Yeah Like it almost makes me look worse if I be at this way' be embarrassing, ye. But if you've got any ability if you think you can slightly mix it with the person, you then give them permission He took a lesson to crack off your l mandable Let into a canal Your name If you ever tried watching martial arts on U like one and it's Olympics So Judo is followable because like people throw each other about, I find, but when it's like karate or kickbox singles, but I find it unwatchable. It's never, ever, ever anything like a Bruce Lee film. It's just there'll be a real an alley. It'll take Yeah. somethingomething will it'll take about a third of a second unt someone goes, Hey And then that's it and it's done and someone score a point. How do they score a point? What do you mean ' then they do it again. It's always pet. And then they've just sc another point. You don't know why. Yeah They've got no idea. I think the Olympic event should be how I imagine a lot of seventies Kung fu films, which I think it iss probably incorrect But it should be essentially there's one person who's got the kung fu skills. and they're being attacked. There's a buckstar, there's a biker, there's an ancient monk. Yeah, all coming together on an island. All coming together to not hit each other because that's not what it's about. Do you mean Henry that they should be setat upon by loads of henchmen? But essentially by meatheads. by a series of Americanized looking meatheads wearing jeans and just holding snook keues objects and really crude meatheads. that are being dispatched one off atform platform game it. Yeah. and then and they're up against smaller group of like well trained ninjas or ye yeah some mercks Yeah But it's a meleted meatheads round is the one I'd enjoy the most. Yeah, yeah yeah. So where are the melted meatheads coming from in the Olympic Are they up for medals themselves? or I think you'd want to recruit them from just like just like just someone who's just loitering outside home base in Kent or someone who's up, Do know what I mean Or maybe like a bikeker bar in the American Midwest, that would be good. Or itah might reduce the uptake of people joining the far right, you know, bored young men, you know what I mean? on the cusp of joining reform or the AFT or whatever. It's like just working out your system. get beaten up by this martial artist and youll feel much better. Manosphere people. Manosphere people. Yeah Yeah. they just need It just taste of a scrap. other than Get out of the system bususy weekend Story to tell, and it's done It could be could stag do thing Yeah, like yeah, I'm doing a stag on the weekend. Do you want to come we're all gonna set upon one martial artist. He's going be the sh. Because let's face it, we all hate ourselves, don't we? That's why we've given ourselves t shirts with nicknames like Mz Boss, the booze bs It's because fundamentally we hate ourselves. So actually this is the most efficient Wa about We're really gonna get to out of our systems. Yeah Oh, I'm the Bongo Dongo, the beard Dongo Dongo. Yeah hisose punchost an eyeball. He had his nose punched into his frontal cortex. But It's actually's a lot happier. He's a lot happier.y just calls himself Brian now, which is his name. He's got his three training as a horticulturalist. It's really lovely story. It is a shame I brought my dad though. J Didn't stand a chance. D didn't stand a chance When I was growing up Christmas We had a tradition in my family, which is that we would invite One or two Chinese academics join us for Christmas lunch My dad was an academic himself m professor of compputer Science And he had a lot of Chinese colleagues who'd living in London working in London, University and over Christmas We thought it was nice to invite them around for Christmas lunch Very nice. Which I think actually looking back may not have been a necessary thing to do because think thinking I think it was my mum, the thinking was, o, they'll be sad on Christmas day They'll be You know, wereere they Christians? No, right. Lbody weren't. So exactly So I think I think it's For them it would been quiteice day off actually. For them it would have been absolutely lovely. just London when it's quiet. would it would have been brilliant. Yeah. J you know, just have a stroll around. Rather they'd have to go to sort of weird en fororced work do with my dad Y And his unbearable son So anyway, so that was a Christmas tradition in my house. But I remember one Chinese academic, one of these Chinese academists told us a story Bow how they had found themselves in a threatening situation essentially being mugged or something. In London In London. I think it was in London. It may have been in New York, the story based I don't know. the I picture it in the classic alleyay, by the way, because I would have heard this story as a kid. There's a lot of steam It's the classic allway as we discussed already. it Steam It's Rockkehaer co covered in Sardines. was. Kit Russell sitting in hatf. Sorry, sorry,. C R saying h Non sign flashing. Yeah. Also we haven't a few things we haven't added by the way the one sound effect you need is and M could be good at this one? Is the cat meowing followed by Bin falling over. You hear that a lot of o ye Yeah with the G classer that kind of yeah. Ver good. Yeah. And distant police sirens Yeah but they're not coming to save you. They're going away. Going away. E even allowing for the Doppler effect And you look up And you see a man dresses a bat. What the fuck It's just some 's what some mad guy dresses about I mean there is no batt. It's a bat enthusiast It's a bat enthusiast. It's actually someone from the council because they've heard that there may be bats in this alley. It's a protected area. It's a protected alley. There's a guy's a nesting alley. There's a guy dresses as a bat from the council. he's just counting how back droppings there are to make sure that the the back community is on the way up and not on the way down And there's a man dress as a roobin and he's just a pervert She's just a spherical pervert. But weirdly, because the council is so obsessed with looking after the bats, there is no box to tick that's to do with keeping pervert stressless birds out of alleys. so he gets to go around scot free. They get to nest wherever they like. They get to nest wherever they like. It's a bloody perv nest. And that huge tube stuffed with nuts and raisins and stuff hang off the top of the alley. What's that about Is that something that the the Rob? exactly, that'simpsom Anti perver vigilantes are set that up to catch the Robin. The guy dresses the roin is' a per, haven't? Yeah, because in between all the nuts and raisins there's a so jasmags U Viewed content warning Le content From the nineteen eighties when that was a common phrase for those magazines. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's a shop it's called Tits and Tits, basically. so you can get fat balls and can get jazmags. Yeah The pointo being, he told us this story where he found himself in a threatening situation the Chinese academic. in my mind, he was an nally and like a bunch of sort of You know, Mulleted henchmen were approaching him. Yeah, But it was a true story, this And basically what he did was He Yeah, he was he was in a bad situation Whatoy he did was he started cracking his knuckles in a certainort of way. like this and try to emanate being really good at martial arts So he was playing on their cultural stereotypes. Using their cultural stereotypes against them. Yes. An a way, and he did this thing where he cracked his knuckles and sort of stood there and they all like disappared one they went climb back into the Stepson with with Kat Russell and sailed down the gutter. Yeah. Yeah. And the sewer system receded back into the sewer system into the streets. Wow, that's great. That's like from a movie. Yeah it is But I also say I think it' occasionallyccurred to me that could I do that Could I if I cracked my knuckles? No, no These street ts would have been seeing loads of movies where there is a sort of small scholarly looking bespectacled man. That's right. who's actually got not a six pack, but more like a sort of sixty pack. Do you know what I mean? He is just yeah He's just rippling underneath And also it's the kind of muscle suit. It's that Bruce Lee muscle where It's not about bulk. So what I'm doing at the gym, as you Yor said, I'm just getting bulk. I'm making it big, makeaking it meaty. I w to look like I've got a side of fucking pork hanging off each of my shoulders. I'm just trying to get it big and meaty. I don't care if I can lift I dont have to lift shits modern day, me. I've got the internet. don't have to lift stuff actually. You can bare lift your own arms. I can bare lift my own arms, I so meaty But you know, because there's two kinds of approaches to to gym work bull cup or there's beef down Aittle bit a bristle And that's what Bruce Lee and that martial art kind of body is about, isn't it? it's Strength's a hard sort of brutal strength compacted into a small space But did this guy have any skills at all? orr was he literally just going on the It was just it was just a punt. He just went Psychological warfare. It was a throw of the dice. That's very impressive. really I really like that. I've got a little plug. I've got a little blug, I've got a little kes. G a little blug. Right. if you're bearing with me, right, excuse me, sorry, because I've done a lot of this stuff. This's basically more all, more the bench So I'm u The tour continues, G to Edinburgh, there's an autumn leg, but we're now going to add a bonus leg in twenty twenty seven Jen' to May Yeah exactly. Revisiting some places, some places new So I'm very excited about that. So this episode is coming out on the third of june twenty twenty six Tomorrow, Thursday, the fourth of June twenty twenty six there'll be a pre sale. that's for our Patreon. gang And also anyone who happens to have signed up on my little mailing list, which you can get to on Mr Mitewasnneck. com and then general S sale on Friday, the fifth of June ten AM each day. S if you game, get on down I've been around and about. so there's all sorts of people you might even ask and they can tell you whether or not they recommended or whether they reckon you should Stay clear S see it get on down. And Henry, you're still you're going to be No, I don't I don't like to talk about it really? No comeome on no no. Are all your dates on sale now? Yeah, so I've got a tour as well. It's double tour. Double tour, lazy Benji. Bonjo, what's wrong with you mate? Get out there! Come on. The street is calling And what's your website again? is Henrypacker d. com. So my website is wW d. Henrypacker. com. In fact, quite recently newew dates have been added A new London date, I believe. A new London date could have sold out the Walthamstow. Holy. Soho theatre, which is very exciting. Yeah What I never keep track of the exact numbers, but it's something like twenty five thousand, I think. Cater I'm not always on top of the numbers, but yeah when it's stacked, Yeah. when it's stacked stacked with the roof off, yeah. Yeah Um So and also there's Leeds, Liverpool and Brighton. Very nice have been added And There's a little stint to the Edinburgh Festival happening. But yeah, all the details are at Henrypacker. com I would go to both of these shows Oh, Ben, you're not just saying that because we're both here on the Zoom with you because we do a podcast together though, are you? And you're likely to get me a free ticket for the tour, right? I likely to get your free ticket for the tour and stuff. Okay Welcome then. It's a nice place to have a nap as well, frankly, because these are nice theaters together We' together yeah. I quite like the kind of hum of the human bodies around me Do what I mean? H of three hundred people going to sleep at the same time. But exactly there's nothing like it It's such a comforting environment You really feel part of something? Yeah Anyway, check it out. Mike, what's your websitees? It is mrmikewzniak dot com dot Let's read your emails, please. Thank you. Let's start off with a version of the email jingle sent in by Ross from Cardiff. Oh, thank you, Ross. Thanks Ross Pleasely attached a version of the email jingle that harks back to an era of old school video games. Nice Grindingly difficult to get through, only rarely featuring in a half decent story. And the kind of thing that if you admit you're into it, will make you seem measurably less cool Podcast is a source of constant musical and inspiration for me H Ross. very good to Ross. Nicely done. Really nice to welcome us back to the s newery to the Classic insidiously undermining Switcherry. Your badges in the post. Yeah, we don't do badges Very strong I really like that That wass very, very good. We've got a couple of bits of correspondence about your tour, Mike. Oh yeah So Laura says, I'm writing with a report from Mike's recent to the Bench gig in Oxford. Okay Backets, which was excellent, thank you. Thank you Laura. My husband and I were sat on the second row and while watching the show to begin We noticed a woman sat in front of us who appeared to be slightly confused Catching a flash of green from her phones screen, we saw she just googled the words Mike Wazaowski I was scrolling through pages and pages of pictures of Mike Kuazowski from Monsters Inc That's one with one eye Did they think they were going to see the Mike Wowski live tour? That's why Why do you think I'm called to one AM? It is a stage name? It's not a real name It's purely to actually lure people in. You can hope that someone from Monsters Inc. Yeah. And that's why you have that one eyeball mask that you wear for the first five minutes. exactly. Exactly. then they can't complain if've been Mike was asking if for Mons for atast five minutes. Exactly. They can't get a ref. No money back. No There's no money back. She tried adding the words the bench after the name and continued to scroll through more pictures of M was asking So that's a green alien with just one eye, right? isn't it? Yeah How do I spot anyone doing that? OkayK, fine Now I'm not saying she was absolutely expecting a one eyed greed monster to be doing a stand up show. Yeah. But I will say that she didn't return after the interview. Oh my. What Whatpect? Yes I mean, Laura will be able to attest that I mean that's quite a lot a lot of people don't come No, Mike, donon't be silly, that's not true Wow, that's extraordinary Amazing Okay, that's incredible. Not much you could do about that think There's not a lot you can do about that I mean, you could you could try and incorporate it into your set so that You satisfy the Mac was oursit crowd and night wasn't it? Well, the Pixile people are already after me leegally as it is. J what I mean? That' true It'd be causing more problems ascin. Okay, and another email that pertains to your tour mic. We've got him out here from either Gabriel or Gabrielle, I'm not sure I say Gabrielle from Coventry here. I was recently watching a production in the Warwick Arts Center. Yeah in Work University. At the time, Mike was also there doing a show, Deed But I assume this person's not watching your show. No, there was a student production on at the same time My sister was was in the production and knocked on your door and I had a lovely conversation And good luck was exchanged for the upcoming shows. Is this right? It is. Yeahah. I chatted a bunch of that that trope. It's all, you know, it's the same tribe, isn't it? you know Backstage, having a nice chat Well My kid. However, however This was taken extremely seriously. And the entire cast was gathered up in a group like a primary school assembly I was told about how deadly serious this offence was and how it was unacceptable With this coming to light, I want to formally apologize on behalf of everyone who I quote Disturbed Mike Kazowski This is the one man musical tour of one of the most successful parart animated films of all time. You do not go in and ask to see his green one eyeall mask. Do you understand how difficult it is for a middle aged man with a moustache to get into character to play Mike Mosowski for monaz on stage? It kind of dedicate How hard it is to get animated character through customs? It's nearly impossible. incredibly hard Golly Well, I'm sor, they got told off. Yeah, we had a lovely old chat. When I came out of the door there was a guy backstage who was telling them off for that made it very clear think of monkeys. We then had a nice chat. And someone at the end of the show said, all, sorry They're just look good. So you know Yeahah sometimes there's more than one show in the back of the alo?alo is the other one. Yeah. You'd know this stuff might B if you had the bulls to go on the road. That's how we live. It's the smell of makeup and fake wigs.'s the smell of fake daggers and fake fake isn't it Is that's what we it's the parapffinoil or something. It's the paraffinoil of of fake Tsers Fake trousers, baby. But there there is a camarader. It's a band of brothers, isn't it? behind scenes. I don't care if you're Bobby Davrerou doing a Seance to Mike Wowskpe. Or if you're Nigel Havers doing a Mike Wazowski sounds, doing Mike Wazelski sound, or anyone playing Mike Wazelski It's all part of one community, which is people that do live versions of Pixar films onn stage. But the transformation whenind my, if you go in Mike wasn't it to become Mike Wasski? It's incredible. I don't how he does it. because what you have to do is you have to try and capture being well animated, even though you're not animated. You're actually a person. Yeah. So's that's the main challnel level dension of disbelief Yeah extraordinary. So it's not not everyone can handle it as an audience. you know, It's really comportable. You have to put a lot of work in yourself But Mike, with those students, are we able to officially sort of what's the word? sort of debolock them? I know someone else gave them the bollocking, but well yeah, I had a lovely chat and I was delighted to meet them. and I'm sorry to hear they got bollocks. I mean, obviously it was me giving them the bollocking. Of course it was. Yeah that's because you're a shapeshifter. Yeah, you lord it about,'t you you know what I mean So now yeah, the the bonocking was yeah, unnecessary And they should continue to knock on doors backstage as they continue their careers. down theatres of this country Not if it's Davro D very long N not of its' Davre This time. I a fatty man N Patreon. O Sash three Salad Thank you to everyone who's signed up on Patreon. Yes, thank you Patreon. com forast three beam salad There are bonus episodes, there are video episodes at certain tiers I'm at the Shanin Tier You got a shout out from Mike in the Shan Bean Louge. And did you do And you were there last night Mike? I was And I mean, it's always fun in this Rombean lounge, but it was particularly fun this week, wasn't it? Because it was the illegally imported hot sauce challenge, wasn't it Thank you, Ben, and here's my report. It was the illegally imported hot sauce challenge last night at the Shambean Lounge, which hit a snag from the get go with the word that Johnny Stevenson had been stopped at Heathrow for attempting to smuggle weapons grade toabasco inside prosthetic limbs. Whether customs were tipped off or whether they simply routinely stop travellers with five or more arms is unclear. Carri Ray Hill, Alex Viviash playwright, Beth Symour and Harley Brown also ran into trouble at the port of Felix Stow after panicking at what they thought was the sight of a white long haired Havanese sniffer dog, but which they then realized was Richard Branson By that time they'd already thrown their jalapeno fudge gravy overboard. Simon Rford Bush, Paul W., and Joe from Vermont did make it to the lounge but it Aus muuled their scorpion custard and had to be taken straight to the Shanbean Infirmary for a nice cold ice cold milk bath under anesthetic. There were strong hopes for Melissa Elmmer, Mo Ann Spoons, David Garacato, Max Valentine Gm Askam'sum, Denise's plan to airrop four metric tons of genetically engineered widow maker curry paste onto the Shan Bean Heath, but a navigational error in the preparation stage resulting from a wet piece of popperdom falling from Anders' Michael's Gob and onto the charts led to the drop hitting the city of Copenhagen, and a state of war now exists between Shanbean and Denmark Zoe Evans, Bean Queen, Anna Ozsky, and Sam Lillywhite probably would have made it with their uranium chutney on the Roskoff to Plymouth car ferry, but it's a six hour crossing with only very bland microwave panninis available from the canteen, so who can blame them for eating the lot Adam Brwskie, Danichher, Nigel Milner and Jess also ate all of their battery acid rememouard, but with the less forgivable excuse of having to wait for longer than expected at a tea junction. All the above taken into account, all that remained was for Jamie Foster, General Inquiries, and Johnny Scott to do shots of a slightly over peppered Tuscan Ragu that Katherine Suzanne bought as a memmento of their tour of Florence Ms of which are still subject to a media blackout until twenty seventy six. Thanks all. Okay, let's finish off with a theme tune please This is from Ben from Bremen. I was recently inspired to make a version of your theme tune for a couple of reasons Firstly, Bonjamin's declaration that listener submission should be kept shorter in length And secondly, listen to Mike Oldfield's tubular bell so we don't need to play that dune we got Yeah Henry's some a definive version Ben writes, I felt that repurposing the theme tune as a forty five minute long prog roqu symphony would make for exllent two fingers to such tyrny Unfortunately for all concerned, that was well beyond both my ability and my patience, so I made a shorter version that riffs on the bititten Tub of of bells with the wibbly bass guitar Where the MC introduces the various instrumental parts by using snippets from your podcast episode on musical instruments. I like that that's a really good bit tun of Bells where he goes, bass guitar There's a voice telling you I't know this bit. Yeah, yeah goes There's a bit where a voice, I don't know if it's M C Ooldfield's voice introduces each instrument in a row Well, I'm excited and then you' wait waiting and then find me, it's tubular bells. Okay, well I look forward to hearing. Thank you him. Until next time, goodbye. C for listening. Release the music s twentyenty thousand Cows noises