Patreon lounge and final theme tune

two. Th. Four, five S Well No, why didty six? It's okay with Henry six. We're good. We're good. It was a moment of madness. Ny hell. I feel like very telling Yeah His first day back at workors cent, isn't it Yeah, all over the place Even though I very much enjoyed recording this with you two And I enjoy my job overall I had a certain dose of dread this morning. She have the sort of Yeah level Yeah, Sunday Iis. Yeah, yeah. And I don't know why because as I say, I very much enjoy doing this. I think it seeps in from, you know Everyone else. Yeah. Well you've got through an awful lot of beef This season, haven't you? Well, the meet situation is absolutely ridiculous. Today after I finish this, as soon as I finish this recording I'm going to be boiling and baking a ham. you're still going I've got more last night I ate a side of smoked salmon. Wow. So you really keep it going until twelfth night. I think if you've come this far, you have to keep it going for the rest of the year now. if you're keeping the festive meats going this deep into January. Yeah We're recording this just before ve twelve nine,. I think this will go a bit after. Hopefully By the time this goes out, you'll have ceased your feasting. and then what? Three months of total abstinence? Well I think Henry's right I think if at this stage you're still boiling and baking hands, it doesn't not stop No, I'm not going to see it through. Ye is gone You're just living like a Tudor monarch. For this is my pledge. For the whole of twenty twenty two, I will only eat things that can be described as bone in Including what bone in viionettas and Bon in Stilton Yeah If you've got this on the bone please, you'll just be saying that Green grocers. No I don't want that bread slice, but if you could run this onnyx Coarbone through it. Onyx. Is that an animal I thought it was like aack gem, isn't it? a pressure? a black gem. Okay can there.' to have to google that. That'd be quite a boogie choice to only eat things that have been run through with a bejewelled bone. That would be very almost ancient Egyptian levels of glamour Well, that's my yeah, that's my twenty twenty two. That's what it's gonna to look like. H my The dread has dissipated. I've decided it's actually going to be a really good lean into it hard Absolutely. It's going be so interesting documenting your progress through that year as well A my inevitable death changes to your cognition, your speech Great funlying all documentary ye. It's a very high end superersizeed me, isn't it Yes, exactly. But unlike Su doesnest me, it've become very clear that to the whole production, won't it and the viewers is that' you're not going to make it to the summer. Henry, hi. this will be going out Bically, we've just celebrated the newew yearar, although this will going out in a couple of weeks. so many of that will alienate the listeners who By this point' be deep into twenty twenty two But how did you see in the new year A Desperately Desperately sad. I think there was a lot of that about. That means you were tpped into the Zeitgeist scing. That wasnt the scene to hit. Basically you're watching Snooka on your own. Rruns of Snooger from ' eighty two. it was almost as bad as that. So I've still I've not sort of conquered the sort of TV streaming box system yet. That well you string on top of No, no, no, I'm still moving the aerial On top of the set, trying to get to get good signal I have to be holding a large sort of dust bin lid, you Yeah. And then I can just sit back and enjoy it as long as I'm holding the dust bin lid aloft all times. in that essentially I'm either watching streaming stuff Or I have to go behind the TV, root around a bit with some cables and then I can be watching live TV. wear the same. We the I can't really watch live TV. No anymore. Well, what it's done is it's raised the effort bar slightly if you want to watch live TV, you've got to go right? Yeah Yeah, this is a small amount of effort now. I can't miss Hot Annie. I haven't missed a single hot. Exactly decades. Well, that's what it was. This was the year where for the first time ever didn't feel it was worth roting around with some cables in order to go from Mandalorian to Hootananny I thought on the one hand, I've got a kind of You know, fictional science fiction helmeted You know, bounty hunter. And on the other hand, you've got the Mandalorian Yes. Yeah it doesn't work. Do doesnn't work at all. Do't Yeah It doesn't work at all. Come on. No Observe some of the rhythms. No on the one no sense at all No On the one hand, never been known to wear a helmet. we can do this. we can pull this we can make this work. On the one hand I the option of watching a drama centered around a small, wrinkly, tririvelled little bigard hang on allegedly allegedly powerful and surprisingly long lasting cultural figure Oh I I think you might be able to pull this off. Yeah. on the other hand I forgot which one that was I know he's lost it at the last. I think you could you could pick your ending to that one because it works both ways, doesn't it? Yeah. No. this year I just thought it's not actually worth rooting around to watch the hoo downowny, I'm sure I know what's going happen A bunch of shriveled looking alien types will be brought on. In quick succession Wellow, what do you mutter into your little grave? So this is what they call music nowadays, is it Well, happppy New Year. Yeah, under bed. Yeah gain with Burnt lips from talking to my old greay again r I better every year for being this angry. I feel like of all the things we've ever discussed on this podcast The Hootenannie is one that surely people outside of the UK have no idea like that I assume it's claked into every single nation It's that everyone observes New Year's Eve at the same time But we we could give a little prace of it Well I feel like explaining the hoten I me, I just don't think it will explain it Genally, we could tell you what it is and what happens. It's almost like you won' explain. To explain it would be to kill it. I mean, to explain it is to watch it. I mean actually even to watch it is not to fully explain it. You're able to understand it It centers around Jules Holland for me pianist of the band squeeze. He knows his way around a Steinway, There's old Jules And he has a series of musical guests and celebrity guests normally, I haven't seen it for a while. What of my memories is? watching it about two decades ago. And he's going around asking for people's New Year's resolutions. And I think the first couple of people were just like are going to cut down on the old fags or you know, I'm going to wash my jeans less And then he came to Edward Collins, the guy whos saying No Edwin Edwin N met a girl like you before He decays that his new Ye's resolution was for world pace Oh you could see all the other celebs who are waaziting in line go Oh no I've been told I'm overbrushing by my dentist, I was going to cut down on that. So literally everyone at that point May the need this resolution, a resolution I don't think they're in a place to make because I don't think any of them He's over it he's over He's overestimated the impact of the song Never met a girl like You before. On the situation in Yugoslavia. Well There's basically two camps. There's the people that think they have met a girl like you before who contend that, and then there's the people that side with him and contend that they haven't met a girl like you before. Yeah. So essentially, what it is, it is a TV program that' basically all British people watch On New Year's Eve. Yeah where pianist So to invites Very odd mix of celebrities on They're not top level sllebs. Who was it this year? I didn't see it Who was it this year? When it wasV it was COVID strapped this year. Okay W was it Chris Whitty No was the COVID players. So the UK's top scientist, government scientist, Chris Whitty. Chief medical officer, beg pardon, dress as a lateral flow test. Dressed as a lateral flow test And then And then Penny Henry up his nose and dunked his head into Jonathan Van Tam Open mouth. It was pretty disgusting. And then we had to watch Ron Van Tamm's body for half an hour to see if a lateral strike would develop on it at any point. And then it did and the whole thing was gone I can't actually remember what happens in it because it's sort of there in the background. It replaced because there was a point when it was Clive James That's going back quite a long way, maybe Do remember that? I can't remember I can't remember Phusammy, Ready Yeah think I remember Clive James. There was a point where it was Clive James who was an Australian poet slash broadcaster Wit and General Whitt slash take take of the piss off for an Andrez man. Yes, he He plowed that furrow deep He was a mixture of quite a highbrow poet who experimented with the language and sort of, you know Cough. wine with intellectuals in the corridors of power and stuff, and also just love making fun of foreign ants. And made a living more out of the latter, I think. Yeah. It was increasingly the foreign ants stuff. I think it became increasingly irritating to him that that's really what he was known for. And what he was really just undoubtedly very, very good at was absolutely hammering a Japanese insurance ad could a way that now these days would be seen as culturally intenseive, no way around is completely unacceptable So so it's been quite a strange yeah, it's been quite a strange sort of job in terms of the the CV of the person who takes care of Britain of New Ye's Eve of ye, of the United Kingdom's Yeahah, New Ye's celebrations. It was clive J. And now it's Geores Holland. And preclve James, you'd imagine it' probably like a sort of navy general ye give a talk about the state of the Navy and smoke Ay cigarettes throughout the. Strap a dert of a cannon. Yeah. f them at Jerusalem. I'm strick of midnight And a guy in Belium, has been a long standing tradition who hisse job it is to actually collect that corpse which would never. never made it all the way. N never made it all the way and dispose of it in a Belgiian garden.. I wonder if this sounds baffling though to our foreign listeners. Our nation is so heavily institutionalized that we will just, you know, New Year' Eve, we celebate by we sit down calmly and quietly and we observe whatever is being piped through The set Whereas elsewhere in the world I don't know, they might be doing parties dancing on the rooftops of favillas on the beaches of Copen Yang, you know onn the bridg of Sdy, whatever, you know, raising a glass. Yes. I think there's a lot of people using just objects around them as percussion and holes. old towns just breaking out into just rhymical dancing. and that's how I picture Just playing the news agent. Yeah Exactly. We' a telephone polls. Yeah, but we ha't just to sit and watch So did you guys watch that this year? either? We actually didn't. I was flicking between the hoot and Ananny on one side. Well, I was watching On Connect on B PCI player, Right What's that again quizing quuiz thing with Victoria Corn, a very high end quiz thing. I see how. o Yeah I was watching the Christmas specials of that. brought three of those on the boutnce and it was maybe quarter to midnight Yeah. We managed to do the The thing you didn't bother to do was just go around the back of the telly, pull out You did. Okay. That's okay. just' got some life in you. He's still worth saving this one. wheel the other one aroundound the back and just shoot him, but this we fick between Jeores Hoalan and Hotonnammy which wasn't very good And the BBC one, so that's BBC two is the hoot and nanny BBC onene is a strange world where They have the kind of more official bit of the New Year's Eve. There's a lot of regal kind of stuff? No, no no, it's like a series of stills of Cgis. They just play it through every year, don't they? Yeah. They have the proper fireworks that happen out with the London Iron right Yeah There's nothing, there's nothing as magical as there I was watching. watching fireworks on a decent tey There's nothing so it really stirres the soul this year they didn't do them properly because they didn't want people to sort of gather to get COVID. So they said they did a sort very secret location in the garden in Hertfordshire Well, they sort of did that but it was just Greenwich, R They it out of Greenwich and I don't know what went wrong, but they weren't very many fireworks. and then they kept cutting to the gllobe there, Shakespeare Globe., where there was a choir doing haber covers they've committed this, haven't they? they've really It stinks of group Think Oh it was absolutely grotesque. Someone was accidentally left quiet and Aber on the same whiteboard unintentionally. It's just part of the list. Sone Sone' coming in the room later just assumed These things are supposed to be put together some a bloody nightmare allg guys It was very bad. It was very bad Yeah, I felt very lame. It felt like twenty twenty two is going to be a lame year. I didn't hit the telly at all, which I think means that technically I'm still in twenty twenty one. Yeahah Ted you've se Jel Holls ruin someone's Ohh man. justust that by playing boogy Woogy P. B get on with that man. You know, Jules Holland, it is it JWO JWO L S. Some other things to know about him, ye ' JWO LS from Hllanders' HO tripleL. Andy TL L. Andy Hey He's masterered the art playing honky Tonk piano over anything any other kind of musicic guess come on and then hit and then I think it's a leegal thing. they have to agree to So they'll be sing their song and then you'll cut to Jewules doing Honkyon Cano Is that what happens Yeah pretty good about the song, yeah Yeah And he's really burning the burning flame for Honky Tong, isn' he pretty much Is the last man standing? Also what is a hot nanny? That's a question of wondered sometimes see it isn't it? That's why we keep watching every year It's a bit Scottish somehow. How is it? Oh is Hogmane? Yeah, that's maybe H Hootonani It could be a bit N Orleansy or it could be Irish I don't know what it is Yeah, I wonder what Americans watch reruns of I loveve Lucy, presumably. Well they they They have things they watch that we don't watch Like is is it the Grinch stolle Christmas they always watch? It's some old a Christmas? It it some old It's a cartoon. Yeah. we never watched that head any. I didn't think I'd even heard of the idea of the Ginch. Nontil I was in my twenties probably. Yeah. Are you aware of the eighty five pound grinche No. So this year This was on Twitter this year where a woman was complaining because she'd paid a man eighty five pounds to come round and do a grinch party with her son, her eight year old son And she said I paid some my eighty five pounds and I came back to the house to find this And obviously I don't really know what the idea of the Guinch is. The idea is he rus Christas. Yeah. He's a scoge like figure in somewhere in the sense that he's anti the spirit of Christmas. Is he still presents and whatnot? Well what this guy had done ent was It was just like This guy is actually This is excellent. I'm enjoying this I'm sorry I s you just paoured your v We have to cut to a special sort of We need to cut to a special sort of jingle or theme here for Cather been pusing himself. P lift music? Yeah, a little bit of lift music. Sorry, will rejoin you? Sorry. He just u Oh God. I'm imagining this story but it ends with some children being disappointed. so it's interesting to learn what really really gets Ben's funny bone going like nothing else I think we're going to have to call the podcast this week. Look, thanks for listening. Yeah, it's a twelve minute episode. We apologise for that We hope be back in touch Oh my God. So it turns out this is the thing that amuses me the most. In the world. In the world Yeah. Yeah, Which is that she paid this man eighty five pounds. he came aroundound. Por Diter orn juke O sn He for eighty five pounds. eightighty five quid m Steven that eight Five U Oh wow. she's getting own rown orange juice, the margins are spectacular there. I mean, is that with bit Is that with bits? If that's from concentrate, that is absolutely unacceptable Oh wow.. So she was livid. she paid him eighty five quid for a grinch party. He came in and poured orange juicle over her son. But Yeahah, well the loose things space. You've got to be careful What you h highire, haven't you? I mean I'm trying to draw a lad. I'm trying to find the moral. draw a Christmas lesson from this. you got to be you got to be careful way poor orange juice. careful Youve gott toa be careful what you pour over a trial. There's a war in this one. if it isn't just pure goodwill, then you need to think twice Okay, time to still on the bean machine? Yes please. This week's theme as sent in by Holly Mcintosh. Thank you, Holly, Do doesnn't say where she's from. We know where she's from But we all know we we all know is Museums. Museums When was the last time Neither of you went to a museum re COVID No, I've been in the COVIid era. Have you really? Well done good for you. When I went on holiday to Estonia, I went to a submarine museum absolutely enormous Was that a submarine museum? or was that a submarine experience where An Estonian man just bundled you into a sort coal celler I said, It was like this He press gang as a submarine monkey. for sures nine months There's nothing like a romantic Ben partartridge planned holiday is there I'm envisaging it A large room with a series of submarines and glass cases But was assuming. It wasn't far from that. was It was inside a former hangar that formly held planes that land on the sea. Sea planane? Se plananes. it was an old sealane hangar and then it Ben that you say that as if you've ever done anything on a holiday that didn wasn't in either a former hanger or an active current hanger. I Its pretty much hangers only, isn't it? Hangers of Etern Europe hang mir Great concrete hangers of his snar up, the longer decommissioned, the better Absolutely. This one had The bigg, the biggest. freeesting concrete dome of its kind whichich is a sort of thing you can't really experience in a coffee table book full of Pictures of concrete domes, you've got to go and see it. You've got to yeah And to feel that sense of Yeah justust how concrete they are Be yeah, can't you can't replicate that in a photo, can you? Just that The kind of to touch it to smell the concrete, the smell that That's sort of dead that's of dead smell you get isn't it of concrete Well it's just because it's a of sand, isn't it mixed with a lot of aste, isn't it? I think it's we taste That' a Sam reinforced paste So ye. And what I love with with with concrete, and you'll see this in a lot of Ben's holiday photos. is that lovely lack of a grain running through it You know you take the photograph close enough, you don't know where anything is. there we don' know where It gonna end how far away are you from those knowing. Is it going up or down? Yeah for how how long does it go up or down for or deep? And do any of these concepts even matter? All you get is that sense that probably If you pull back far enough, it's a smooth dome Let' smooth out is the hang underneath the dome? or is the dome separate The dome is the hanger. Oh, the dome is the hanger. That's That must feel good Well that's what I said when I walked in, I was, Oh my Godd, Dome is the hang. D. Dome is the hanger. Oh darling, this is so magical. Dome is the hanger. And obviously you've had to by this point you've had to work your through through all the crowds of hawkers selling you little mini hearing hearomings with many old Mazapan domes, littleittle tobacco smoking domes Presumably,en you said, no darling We're not buying any of these things because It's about experiencing the dome. It's about being in the moment because you're not one of these people Ive been that lies to stand in front of a hangar and just look at the whole thing through a camera But you like to be in the moment and experience it, right? Well, that's it. And at this point, as I said I didn't know that the hanger was the dome. So I thought we're donening Let's first look at the hangar and move on to the largest concrete dome of its sk But then the overwelming feeling when you walk in you realize that the hanger is the dome. Wow I mean How does that even work? Does that mean there are larger cononcreteoncrete? That mean there are largeron concrete being the opposite of concrete all of our listenerscrete. Well, that's how Ben sees the world, isn't it? It's either concrete, or just everything else's just noncrete, It whatever a lovely old mahogany sort of you know, dining table.'s just noncrete, isn't it? Who This is more bl noncrete. Lovely. These things are all noncrete. Antts. Well there are three things in my world. There's concrete, there's noncrete And then there is crerete which is an island whichich is again another holiday option, which you generally I imagine eschew in favor of What Balkan countries? Balkan and Baltic. Balkan and Baltic. Yeah. the two Bols Balkan, Baltic, Bows out, holiday. Let's have a good time. Let's run a concrete dome as hard as we can and see if we can get to the top. It's an afternoon, isn't it So Ben, you must have been because when you walked in there, you were a guy confident that you knew the difference between a hanger a concrete dome, weren't you And that's what traveveling does because it makes you see things from a new perspective doesnesn't it? So Also within the dome was an old submarine in the shape of a dome withithin which was a smaller dome shaped submarine In the shape of an American sandwich for our younger listeners. So there was a whole submarine was in there Howold some wring There weren't many people there It was just us, entally. We walked in, it was just us. Me and my girlfriend and the massive submarine C yeah, I'd thought it wouldd be absolutely crammed with people from all around the world that's strange I had have thought it I think it they'd be wading through eute sort huge coach tours and You know cruise toours You know the concrete dome, Ben, just quickly as. I just try I do want to picture this So so basically first of all, it's hollowed out, right? It's not solid I mean it's a dome from both the outside. You you ask you had to drill into the dome to get to finding the museum subarine. W it That's the question. Again, so it's a hollow dome. Oh the whole thing's a dome. I've been picturing a rectangular hanger with a dome on top. The hanger is the dome. This is why you have to go to these places yourself. I still can't. You're never going to be able to manage it, Henry until hesish. Okay I've got it now. It's a dome's I would describe that as a dome like hanger made up pure concrete. You've not been there, Henry you call the dome. Would you like me to share with you a photograph of the dome? Yeahone Okay, I'm put this in the chat There's a link in the chat you're definitely inside a dome. How is that for a concrete dome Oh, bloody. can I say that's nowhere near as bigger thatough. I was imagining it I mean, okay, largest concrete dome of its size, but of its size But isn't anything the largest on its size? You're the larger ted on Tager of its size. C at the moment, ye But would it's not even the biggest shed of its kind. You know I mean? I mean, it depends how you measure it. Yeah you can could say it's the biggest cat of its kind. I mean, you know You know, what you mean? The biggest cat of its kind doesn't mean the biggest cat of its kind. And that's the biggest concrete dome of its kind. Why can't say it's the biggest concrete dome, then? Why there are different kinds of concrete domees? ones that hang us on on thean, I suppose? Well, it's unsupported by There's something there's something about it. Okay. It's about as well organized looking as my loft In terms of like it's just sort of stuff. There' just these loads of stuff piled up. it looks like a sort of storage. Ifave you've got a diesel powered submarine in your attic I remember once as a sort of young adult going around, I think it was Paris And it was just ent an absolutely massive museum It could well have been the Louvre for one. It's got all the calling cards of the Louvre remember I remember when I developed a technique, I thought I need to see all the stuff in this museum, but I also want to get out of this museum you know, in an immediate sense, I don't want to be in this museum in more of a general sense, I want to see all the stuff in this museum. You want to be able to say that youve would to have been I want to have been in this museum. Yeah. I desperately wanted it to be over and to be It would to be there. to have been. I want to have been What I did was There came a point where I worked out that what you could do is what I could do is I could go to the middle of each room one by one Id stand in the middle of the room and I didid do a three hundred sixty On the spot. G of Michael Jackson. Graby Cotch, wheready you go And then Moon walked to the next walk the way back into the Egyptian room. See you later in ASAance period. I. Yeah, you do three sixty on the spot. and I've technically seen everything in this room and then go into the next room. St in the middle. Th three sixty on the spot. I've technically seen everything in this room Next room three hundred and sixty. I've technically seen everything in this room. Do you get the picture Which is what the experience that DaVinci was hoping That's what you wanted. The other thing I once developed, something I developed in a museum. I think this was in Italy, I think It was it was a museum full of They are an Aesos masters It lookooks like it's just a painting of some people in a dark room. with some onions and salorted veg on the table But actually onions are very hard to paint. any you' ever tried to paint an onion in oilles? incredibly hard. And each of those onions represents one of the Dutch chees of the Netherlands The person sitting at the table may just look like a painting of a man with a kind of shirt that you don't wear anymore these days. But he may have been one of the lower Burgundians And also That rotten skull he's holding in his right hand with lots of worms on it might represent Dath It probably does because it's a bit on the nose. quite on the nose that one. But what happened is it was I think it was in may in it was in maybe it in Florence, but it was a massive Museum, the Ephizi, maybe. And obiously going for room to room going They're ASos masters H Bloody good. I mean, that's how you feel it when you go in, you're like, I cannot wait to see these Raceos Masters. They must have been absolutely brilliant. And you know, but What I found was You go around the room, there see so many paintings And and like Basically all I wanted was to see ones by people I'd heard of Because a lot of the paintings looked a bit sort of similar and like it's just some people in a room, yeah There's a table, there's a window open, there's a little doggy some fish, veg, etcetera. But were you in a supermarket The way a fish canat The people were moving. they were giving you a change. It was amazing the way the great masters capture the sense in which a man's eyes can followy around the room, and actually sometimes his mouth can appear to move and he can say things like, do you want to buy some fucking veget mate or do you want a gat? or move on. Way spinning on the spot You're gonna knock things off the shelves if you do that But I remember I developed this thing, which is I'd walk towards painting. So I'd see a painting right on the other side of the room I walk towards it. And I'd be like, Is that just a standard painting of some stuff? or is it a da Vinci Andd walk towards it and I'd be looking at it going, ye Yeahah, there's some people in a room that guy's got a hat. you don't wear that kind of hat anymore these days. Yeah. it's pretty yeah that table looks quite old. O that it might be a problem grounding. I don't know. I'd be walking towards it thinking that and I'd be thinking But really, this is before you' had your eye test. forver. O course, that's how used do I test in the oldays isn't it Be be different paintings we out and then be Pomegranate distance Yeah If you had a pomegrrant, it' less than three yards. You needed some lenses Would you say that's an onion or a Swede I mean swwed. And now with the right eye. pretty. Okay, Okay, so you're saying Swed. And then so with the left eye, you say that's Swed Oh One of those long things with all the Brussels sprouts still stuck on Swed, all on those long thingsings with all the busustles rrap still stop on. And that's how they did it So, I do, I'dalkward the painting and Id look at the painting,'s the paint and then and I quicklyd glance at the becauseuse what I was trying to do was convince myself and , you know, whoever I was with that you know, that I had a genuine understanding of art and the masters. And you know, the beauty of perspective and balance in a painting. But might be I look at the painting and me be glancing at the glancing at the the littleurb thing L at painting, glance look at the weurb, look the. I look the pain' going,ah, looking theurb look the the painting blur, paintingingur, then Id see Davin, I'd say, is that Da Vinci be fucking out? And as I think I'm seeing DaVinci on the blurb. I'm looking at the paintingre, fucuckking how that is amazing. Look the way he's captured the light on that nose. It's incredible. it's the great. I look back I think thing DaVinci iss coming more into focus. I'm pretty sure it'saavinci. Look at the way that Look at the way that thoses Those billowing cloths' captured the cloth billow and all the folds, the folds amongst her dresses. How is he captured the less incredible divage? And then then I get bit closer be actually fromr the school of Da Vinci and it'd be like, it's absolute dog shit. it's bor. I don' anyone could do that. It's just a woman in front of some veg with a yeah. Billowing. What's the difference between a billowing dress and a non billowing whatever? who cares? Does't matter So essentially and then but when I saw a thing and I did if I did, essentially, whenever I recognize the name, if I botticelli or something, if I recognize the name of the painter, I'd look it in a whole new air be like, that is absolutely amazing. The light that's captured on that sppaniel's nose, just the amount the amount of sweat tones that capred just in the nose of that sppaniel alone is mastery is true genius. soft butter jelly And then And I never hadn't heard of the guy. D did J jelly from his nose moisture period? From his nose moisture period And then you're telling me that this painting was done by the blind opera singer Andrea Bachcelli. I went to the u The Vatican Yeah. Obviously there's there's some big hitting art in the Vatican. There's the ceiling based art There's also a bit where it sits on a what as a wall bit And I genuinely thought it was dog shit, Like it looked It looked like something. you know if you go to like a Italian restaurants And maybe the manager thinks that he's of an artist and he's painted like a sort of Italian scene on the wall maybe. There'll be someone with some loaves and some little children playing and A here comes the lord with, you know it iss like a sort of bec call inter generenerational banquet. Exactly. that kind of scene. But you can always you can always tell that it's not been done by a Great master because it'd be something like the dog will have one of its legs will be loads longer than the other three or say Or there' be something just wrong He can't do hands so everyone's got clenched fist. Yeah. and the sort of the kind of auncular figure You' serving out the food I'll have three eyes There' little clues like that Or like the table instead of having table legs, it'll have like hooves peopleople get mixed up, D if you're not great if you're not a gndmaster And often the little clue is the sun will have a little smiley face of sunglasses on it J it's really clear.s what it is. but yeah, the Greatmasters didn't need to do that. O often they would do it if you look underneath they'll be if youay it. If you xr it. Well, theynd ye wellt artists off would fold that bit over, so you wouldn't see that bit the image that's of around the back around the back,n't it? They'll be the sun would be wearing shades Yeah. And a lot of the dogs will have bow ties and stuff just It's to help give them character, isn't it? But this this thing I saw in the in the Vatican. It did have that sent about it of like cheeky little figures. You know I don't like it in a painting where there's cheeky little figures. You know, and it's like, o, this guy A little cheeky guy he's like got a bit drunk and he's, this mean Yeah. know he's a little sort of rakish Georgian boy with a cup of gin somewhere in the Exactly Yeah All that kind of nonsense Sorry I just thought it was rubbish. And then I had that same experience with you, Henry where then it was explained to me this was by Rapfael Yeah exactly. And it's been one of the greatest freezers ever done of all, you know, and and I didn't go, this is Masterpiece, but everyone else around me was really cooing over it, but I genuinely think it's rubbish Well even Raphael must have had a warm up phase rack, I mean he must have been shit at some point. sureurely Exactly your old Rapael. And he would have buffed out some stuff that you know we wasn't too fast about as well. He'd done some stuff that he Oh yeah, he didn't consider his best we. I mean I'm seeing sort of game show here things sort of fly on the wall or sort of hidden camera thing where You take someone around and and ex, you know, an Italian art gallery but you've swapped the The blabs. Or you've swapped out some of the paintings, so half of them are by the manager of an Italian restaurant in reading and half of them are with a Da Vinci Buromb with D Vinci Bur on exactly all got Dainci Bur And I think you could justify anything as you go. It's so brilliant the way the naive way in which he's The naive way that that man is giving us snickers to a child. Yeah. Exactly. And the way that that Roman centurion is riding that jet ski Wearing a MAGa hat. It's actually really quite interesting Right, now time for your emails. Thankk you to everyone who sent us an email T. Treating salad pod at Gmail. com Now A bit of a pumpoo for us guys, I think Okay oy do section It am't her I'm very aware that this email section is swiftly turning into a very Bllock heavy section Hm So just a general appeal to listener, for any emails that aren't just bollocking one of us for saying something that is incorrect. Yeah. Yeah, we can't get through them all, can we? I mean, we'll already never get to the bottom of the bollock pile, will we, I think? No, it is T time for the listener Bking of thek Now, obviously, traditionally I read out the Bolers It is time for me to fall on my own bollock Oh. Is this unusual? And I wonder whether I should one of you should read at you moment maybe I'll forward it to you, Mike. Yeah. goodood job. Yeah. good job. Receive the bllocking Okay Accessing Listener Bllicking Bolic and loading Gollicking loaded Okay, Okaykay, here it is. This is a this is from Paul Sumes of the Hague. So Wh he helpully points out is about four hundred kilometers west south west of Bremen Now I can read this exactly as it is written. or I can paraphrase to spare Paul A little embarrassment It's a spare poll embarr. Why is that he disgraced himself Given that it's a blocking. I'll give it I'll give it to you as is. Yeah Okay Hello Beans Mrter Partridge, it seems to me that you by taking it upon yourself to dole out the listeners's boockings, have succeeded thus far in dftly avoiding being bllocked yourself I think he means deftly No morgood, sir It are and that's why he's really let himself. He's very angry. He's clear very, very angry, writing this.' come for they are so furious he written It are It are Portuguese Eescuros and Spanish Versatus are not, as you suggested in the zombies episode, Spanish Escuros Consider yourself bollocked All the best wishes in the new year for you and your loved ones, pullsms There we go So he's tripped himself up in his fury But the message of the bllocking is clear, Ben Now that bll can came into the email account I was shame faced to have received my first balacking But then something started twitching within me Should I accept this ballocking Should I reflect this ballocking I wasn't sure This mean we will have live with. And then I received an email from John Oh, with the subject title prereemptive listener Boock back for Ben Whoa, Bind me, this is getting quite advanced Hello Ben. I'm write in response to an email you will probably receive There's not often you get an email that starts like that in life. This is quite kind of a momentum level timeline. mom We live in the information age, so I'm happy to bear with. It's quite chess grandmaster as well, isn't it? becausecause it's seeing sort of T moves ahead whichich I think they probably do even further than that, don't they proress Grandmasters, This is Syney on master level reflecting Bll yeah stuff. Yeahah. Hello Ben, I'm writing respon an email you'll probably receive reggarding your Boots loyalty card payout segment in Zombies's episode, where you questioned whether they would return the points in the form of oldld Spanish Eccoudos H Of course, before the Euro it was in fact Portugal who used Ecudos and Spain used Persatas So to the person who has probably already emailed in to have a light bllacking to point this out I'm one hundred percent sure that Ben was referring To the Spanish Eescudo used between eighteen sixty four and eighteen sixty nine. Good grief Not wishing for the podcast to become a bollocking for all bloodbath, but I hope this bollock back ammunition will be pointed appropriately, yours, John. Thank you, John Wow, Wow do I And of course, there's absolutely no chance of anyone on this podcast fact checking any of those details whatsoever. You got that right take them will take them as the gospel truth and it seems that Ben has been spared He's your guardian Bllard Well no' like he's like he's got the force. He's like, this is not the Bllockking you're looking for. It's like, he's He's seen all come. Jedi box He's deflecting his Jedi Mind box. the guy from the Hague It's amazing to be at a point where a bocking can be then reflected bollocked without Us actually having to get involved, you know what I mean? That happened byself Yeah, lookook, mum no hands. Yeah So an extraordinary bit of bulicking there Hands free. Reflect Oock So that's that's listenabic of the week Simone Hudson emails Mm Goodday beans. There's only three sentences this email. Gday beans Henry Aher Shuttlecock Love the show, simimo I don't know what that refers to U Is it a rhetorical question Inich case we can just move on, we can just say thank you and move on And it's something for all of us to reflect on Rachel emails from Canada. Nokadokei Dear Mr.s Bean. Having newly discovered your podcast, I recently listened to an older episode entitled Portraiture in which you mentioned that each use of the bean machine warms the earth by three degrees Celsius. this is always gonna come up . To achieve this degree of warming, the machine's emissions would have to match the stock of carbon held in the atmosphere. Which is as of twenty twenty, around eight hundred seventy billion metric tons. Sounds about right? She continues, accccording to a twenty seventeen article in The Guardian, which details the effects of projected sea level rise A world warmer than today by three degrees Celsius would flood out an estimated two hundred seventy five million people worldwide including presumably my coastal Canadian village at sea level elevation I implore you to explore alternative sources of energy or increase the machine's energy efficiency Yours truly Rachel Sorry Rachel. Yes, sorry Rachel. Unfortunately, the B machine can only run on fossil fuels, specifically tires That's simply not going to change, sorry. That's the situation. But Henry does recycle and I've got a burner in my house I don't use. So that's something. Yeah And I only drive in reverse The' sucking back. Ees for mile. everyvery bit of carbon he would have otherwise been emissing. It's equivalent of replanting trees, isn't it? If you reverse, if you If as many miles as you go forward, you reverse the same amount. You're offsetting, yeah. Yeah. So sorry, Rachel. Thanks for flagging that. We'll We'll talk to the Bffins and see what we can do Whwise there are no buffins, we're not going to have that conversation. Well, she's the Bffin, isn't she? As it turns out, and tried she's tried to tell us and we're ign in this case she's the Bffin. Yeah. We're oring the Bffin. We're ignoring her one Bffin. And we're ignoring her Okay, nows time to Just reflect really on what we were doing last night. We were down at the The Sean Bean louge. that wasn't the norm Shan Louge were at the Sean Bean departure lounge h which is a An an airport departure loom that you can only get into If you sign up at our Patreon at patreon. com forash three B salad C ashaan B Tier member And then of course, you are allowed into the shopping lounge various shombe louners across the world actually including this one, the airport. Yeah. departure lounge. And of course, first of all, we werere joined by Jared Coplin Straight away he came in and he said, can I Can I pilot these planes? And we were like Of course you can. And luckily Elizabeth Elko was there on hand to show him how to do that because she's a bit of a dab dab hand with a fixed wing And there was Pritish Campbell as well, who's the sort of One of our good Sean Bean Pals who's very much a sort of Helicopter stunt pilot. she was able to offer a little mastercass in that to Jared as well. and he took It only takes about half an hour. That's right. And he was a dap hand himself. And it was great fun. And we all got in the back, didn't we? Because we're all game. I mean Lucell Enriquez They're so game, aren't they, Lucelli Eriqueh. And Luillian Rriqukeh was like, let's do this. Let's just get in the plane and let's let Jere Copon pilot it and see where we end up. As we were taxiing down the runway Jared was really excited. We all excited. And then of course we look back, whoo's turned up too late to get on the plane? Is anybody Grambo? Oh Grambo. So Grambo's running behind the plane Oh Grambo number five. Oh Grambo number five, and it' late.s I got Exactly. That's what I was trying to shout at him through the can you can't speak through this pp's windows on a pain cany. but I remember I was shouting it. No, but Iish Iish Roford two empty bean cans on a string. so you're able to communicate with Grambo using those S of Shulf doesn' go anywhere that s on a string. Yes. And Aiden, of course, had his DIY kit. He had his it' a box that contains his drill kit, drills and saws and hammers and so on. and also it's got EdBP in there as well. Yes, who folds up into himself doesnn't he EdP Thats he's got the same attite his body with his name, which is you keep it short, AP. you keep it atBP and he folds in on himself, doesn't he And we popped out well, well, I remember Natalie O'Hara was there. She tried to pop EPP out, but she got it wrong. It's bit like a leatherman. you need there's a bit of an nap to it. And so he had she popped him out his arm his head was still stuck under his left arm, but remember? Yeah. Yeah, she corkscrewed him. She got out the corkscrew first, didn't she? So. whichich actually was a release because Pip Eaton had turned up and that But people Pe have thought that P had bought a hat, but actually had been corked Um and a professional milliners that also has a little sort of setellar of wines down the back and Pip could barely breathe. He saidertainly couldn't speak. and nearly that call popped out ASAP so I'd be P Nathle between them were able to to pop her open and pip out a smashing time after that. By which stage You've been flauffing around with that. You had managed to get Grambau off the ground. Grambo was still down the on the runway. So at this point I was shouting Grambo first blood, wasn't it? I was trying another trying another pun. I was trying another pun, but again again it wasted. And they were getting so angry until Emma Walton. Again turn up late She turns up, she's standing next to Grambo and she actually then starts trying to shoot the plane down, which I felt was a step too far. We had left them behind, of course. that's because we thought that Emma was was firing rockets at us, but actually she was firing Chivonne McGranagan at us. And Chivon got snacked. But luckily for us that she did because she clambered in. And what did she have with her but the ultimate party hamper Um which had a set of decks in it I had some lights. had some fine cheeses, it had a series of parachutes because you also had a good idea that the whole thing was going to go down pretty soon either way because Jared was losing concentration at this point. Now at this point, I remember it was around here that Dy because me and Dody had been necking. Well, lovely strawberry daiories, wasn't it? it's strawberry daquories. Now neither of us knew what strawberry Dackery was. So it was just it turned out it was just some turps which hed put half a yop into. Which he shouldn't have done because he'd borrowed that yop off Robert Kap and promised he'd itd give it back to him at the end of the day, but he didn't Robert was very good about it. He was. But me and Dady, we were basically off our faces. I actually can't remember now. Well, that's because Karen Watson hypnotized you as well. Oh, had she? It wasn't the decories that wiped your memory. that was Karen Watson. She'd been practicing hypnotism on Paul Jennings, who's completely resistant to hypnotism. off any kind as it turns out. And then she tried on you and you were highly susceptible. That's why you can't now remember nineteen ninety two. Try think of nineteen ninety two. R remember the Barcelona Olympics It's not there, is it? It's gone The B what what owner what in whatots? Yeah, and she installed that memory in Kyirra. So Kyra's now got two ninetiney ninety two s deal with? so when she thinks back to ninety two, she's got her ninety two and She's got a stereo in nineteen ninety two. yeah I actually got mine ninety su sort of over like a doubly exposed photograph of Yeah, exactly. Yeah Soon so we then Well then that happened we end up landing in Lutton, didn't we? Is that what happened? Yeah, but not the Lutton you think of, the Luton, the private island that's owned by another person, Katie Jones. It's more of a sort of Luten theme. Luton theme private island. It's a Lutin theme adult. Yeah It feels like you're in if you imagine that Lewton was surrounded by crystal blue waters. Yeah. It's basically that, isn' it?, there's a huge vauxall car factory overlooking a series of crabs And you could just soak up the atmosphere C about and Ring the bell of a good time Anyway, thanks to everyone who came last night. We had a great time and thanks to everyone who's signed up at our patreon patreon. com for a three bean salad Not only did you get access to The Champbine lounges if you joined the Th Chambine te there, of course. bonus episodes and all sorts, so check it out So please. Thankks everyone. There's one thing isn't there it been Te tune Yes, please choral rendition Nice. In the style of Brian May Wow, Granny the whale song. Guitar piano centric electronic version written to set tuplts. Spaghetti Western mododern jazz violin M and Jazzy Winebar version. And we are sport for choice. , I feel like I chose the last one I'm also the agony of choice is too much for me? I'm questioning in Brian May because I want to know is it guitarist Brian May or astronomy Brian maybe that we're going to get. Or astronomy Brian Cox? Or Astronomy Brian Cox. Or succession, Brian Cox get's from Nick Gill, He writes Dearest Beans. I've made you a theme tune in the guitar choir style of Brian May circa nineteen seventy seven. sounds good. To be honest, I think I'm relying on Mike to be enthused by the idea. but you may enjoy some ludicrous pomosti. Ke it beanie, Nick. Oh, Nick, thank you. Thanks, Nick. Hay for Nick? And thanks all for listening Thank you Be