Listener Emails and Sewing Bee

Hello Hello So last week's episode, Henry was about to go on holiday I was having a very, very busy by anyone standard day. Yeah, in which you had to do maybe two errands Wh we left you were off to off to Bromsgrove was it? I can't remember where you going in the end Nix up your Bs, your London Burrs is Bromley Broxloth, Bregless He Brons G goess in the Midlands, Bromingtons, Bronzlesworth. Forome reason in South London everywhere it is called Bromsley, Bronsegreatath, Brontle Heath, Breakfulworth Brindleon. Yes, I had to go to Bromley to yes to invoke Consumer law. Oh that's right my laptop. so recap, my laptop keyboard had stoped working. I wasn't able to use keys such as K went to Bromley I went in Pulse was going Otherwise it'd been dead That was a plus my heart was pounding away. All the main functions are working Breathing obiously through my mouth, also through my skin Is that something that that frogs do Somet something that fgs fgs do as I approached a customer service person I said, yes, I've got I if my appointment. and they said, OkayK, Cool, we'll bring some out. And I said And also, I said the words. I'd like to discuss consumer rights legislation. orr something did So did you what I'm interested in? because you'd looked online and there was like a phrase there was like Yeah, a phrase you're meant to say, like I invoke my rights under the Consumer Rights Act nineteen ninety eight. I decided to not go full into that. Okay. That's why I phrased it more like to be a bit more casual about it, I'd like to discuss consumer rights legislations. A at that point he probablyroach just thinks it's another tinfil fucking matter we get these all the fucking time. Yeah yeah yeah. But anyway, he went off and got someone and I wasn't sure if it was just the normal person that I got or slightly hierarchy person for that reason. B side talking someone. They said, no Yeah No. And the dance had begun. And the dance had begun You all know the steps. We all know the steps Do we know how it ends two ways this dance can end One is with me walking out Helpery mygics Usillly van question, having agreed pay a grotqu amount of money toix the keyboard And the other is me being elected as the new leader of the Labour Party and therefore the Prime Minister of this country So which of those was it? let's find out So I achieved T talking to someone, I said they said you can't do that because it's over two years So again, this is part of the dance. You knew that was coming I knew that was coming And there was almost a glint in both of our eyes, as I said, because actually They say the tango is the oldest dance, but this but actually consumer Rance isn't even older it is. And is it even more elemental. ance, isn't it? And in a way, you could argue it's one of the most intense Censrual experiences that two people can have together. with their clothes on because it's give and take and it it has It has the pattern both of a fight and of love making. Everything is there love and death. There's a thrust and parry. There's a thrust and parry. I said I know that that it's two years past its warranty But I think I then did say, I want to invoke the Consumer Rights Act of twenty fifteen Okay, whichich may or may not have been the right year, I knew It was the twenty. when you've got to be confident in deliver it at v point. It doesn't the exact number is less important. You've just got to plow straight. You've got to plow through. so that's what I did As long as you name a year that has happened, you Yeah That's the only way you can get this wrong is by invoking consumer rights Legislation from the year thir seventy five Yes, and my complaints about this keyboard is it' sent me back in time over a thousand years. My T shirts are similar in the future, aren't they? Yes. and baldness has proved incredibly hard to solve. It just can't be done. We've sort of evolved backwards, have we Is that what happened ' ging up on moisturizer in the future, have they I see conventions around the aesthetics of dental hygiene in a surprising direction. And that was particularly insulting because I had visited dent hygiene that morning, as we all know. D you listen to last week' epis She then went and got her boss So everyone was just saying no, no, we can't do it. I kept on saying consumer rights legislation. This is getting better. You're up against a team now You're you're you've very much got underdog status at the moment That's right. You' a team representing a massive corporation, international cororporation. Exactly It's David V Gliath, isn't it? And I've been sort of tangled into a corner. So I was getting David and Goliath feelings. I was starting to actually I was starting to feel quite pissed off. whichich I think is you know it's going to happen. I was likeing to feel quite angry because I've bought this laptop. It's cost me quite a lot of money two years ago when I say two, the truth of it is three But I still think that's not long enough Yeah. for the keybo to have just stopped working After what wo or three cans of fanta bore over it And also obviously obviously I have used it as a sort of ank for cheese and chorito nights. I only do this every other month on a hot plate when you got a casslet because you know I've got a hot if you need a casslet, it's the kind of reinforced titanium they use is actually great for a hot plate. And yes, the fat does run down through the keyboard Yes, lubricating the keys. Lubricating the keys youaut Also, I think it's very I like it in those eccentric restaurants you know when like, oh, what's it going to be served on this time? You know, this time it's served on a On a MacBook on a I quite like that. Yeah. It's my big Mac on a MacBook night. Yeah. a Macbook that's been used to bat away pigeons from a man's flat. Yeah. The same one. So they're so multipurpose. But yeah, but my Mac and cheese and MacBook Excellent, lovely love you this. But so So ye, I wasing to feel I was starting to feel like well think I think a lot of us will know this feeling when you're up against the big company and they're not moving, they're immobile. You I start I was starting to get quite angry and feeling angry And you're talking to people who've got no real skin in the game, right? Exactly They become a representation of the big beast to you. They can do in that moment. Yeah. You dehumanize them. Yeah. You dehumanize them. O the other thing is you either dehumanize them and make them part of the big beast or you go, bloody Jobsworth. You sort of put them down as a sort of Jobsworth sort of type What about my humanity? B, I knew I'd lost a battle when I said that Oh, you should have said about your humanity, guess I'll just tick this humanity box that opens up three free laptops for you. The humumanity Ombudsman is here And a tourist, Steve Jobs is Maoleum Is's any Moazoleum where you can watch finding Nem on any surface in it It's the Ie tomb, his last invention. No That's exactly right. The word Ombudsman came up, Mike, Thankks for reminding me of that. Wh's throwing that aroundound? you? Yeah That's one of those things isn't it? It'smost like whoever grafts that weapon first You've got to hold it hard. I want to know how to wield it. You how to wield it. Yeah. because it will burn the hand of he who does not invoke the ombudsman with a full understanding of what an ombudsman is. It will burn their hand and where ombudsman might be found, how they can be reached, what their working hours are, for example Well, I tell you what as soon as the word ombudsman came off I started to feel the ground sort of ye loosening beneath my feet. Essentially I was starting to feel quite angry and frustrated as the little man, as the guy does in this situation, the little man up against the company. But then what happened was there was quite a nice moment where and this is the way to get through these things The person I was talking to the manager said to me she just said something like Yeah, look I know this is shit But like That' That was Th then I sort of really calmed down and then it was like, okay, you get it as well. She played you She played She playedoy this person. this person needs to be deployed elsewhere. You know. Oh hello there. Welcome to the Paty Zone! And if you could just close your eyes and sign here here, here and here. Okay, No, it's not two old bits of toenail shoved into a potato. It's a bititcoin. Oh I see. How do you know I'm actually from your bank? Well, if I wasn't, would I be asking for your bank details? Of course Take me to the cleaners Because then then it was like B both up again. I'm David too Yes laed you like a fiddle. And that's when I realized that we'd been kissing for forty minutes. And you really had lost the moral authority. lost the moral authority And we'd actually woken up in a kind of floating sort of like cushioned iPod in the middle of the Pacific. As soon as she said that, look, I realized it's a bit shit And then then it was like she was on my side helping me against the beast. Yeah And that I think is the best way those interactions can end From a human point of view But from a laptop in my keyboard point of view, got I got got completely and utterly fucked. It's a result of it Anyway, so she then said, well that you can call Apple helpel I mean, I've gone to Bromley or Bromsgrove or Bromlesworth. I mean, you want me now just call Apple helpelp. That's the last thing you want to hear is, yeah, you got to a phone call, no, no because that's putting you right back to the beginning of the process. Yeah So she said, you can call Apple help or you can talk to the ombudsman And at that point I was like What's the number for Apple Help again and I called Apple Help because I was not getting involved in N chcken out I don't know what ombudsan is I don't know. It's too powerful. What is ombsman? Is Is it even a being or is it just a sort of state of mind? You know, Maybe even the fact that you say yes, I will call the ombudsman and you show your ignorance that you didn't can't can you call the Ombudsman? Yeah Do we have anyone listening who There is an ombudsman. know' an ombsman has seen one and we've got a magistrate, haven't we We've got a magistrate. We've got a Paralympian ' we got anmbudsman, please Mill in. So I did actually call Apple Hel from there And I got put through to like really high up Apple Help though on the phone. But that's what they told you Well, no, I think it actually was because I got I got put through to someone in America, an American woman. This is What? what America I'd like two cickets for the Chattanooga Chu choo. Americ America Get me the DA as as an old mama level pad and the animal in New York City. Oh, just give up now. You'll never be an actor, M d Cleenens Burgers So this bit did blow my mind. And actually at this point My heart started beating again sad I've been dead for three years at the Let see know. Well, we know what a German Deutsche Bank executive does to your heart, Henry. So getting through to the sea suite at Apple must have been yeay thrilling. It was really thrilling. Some Kandoo person in Silicon Valley. So I got through to this American lady. Imagine how much jogging this womind does Oh my wd She's literally always on one of those crossfit machines She's three steps ahead of Kombucha. Do you know what I mean? She stopped talking about Kombucha Yeah three or four years ago. She's yeah. We don't we haven't we won't even hear what's coming She's Bonducha. She's Bondu. Min ofum. Yeah. She wears underwear made of live terapins. She's got electric legs. Never mind an electric car. She's Great Donkey shs on her granola That's how adrs we're talking Actually to be honest, what she wasn't actually. That's kind of the kind of person I was imagining she would be. Yeah. But actually, basically as soon as I got put through to this American woman who I felt was quite high up. because I've gone through a few help desks to go I kept on saying I was mentioning consumer rights legislation on the phone and that kept on getting me put through to M and more high up people until I was in marri until you were in a different legal territory Well, that becomes relevant, I think. So basically my first thought was the case she was America And I was like Here time for the accent. Time for the accent. Hey girl. Hey lady. I'm from Kansas. That's a part the Red Sox Mself party in your hand. It's in my hands. I got a hat made in that chose I wear as per usual. Yeah. Oh yeah cheese dips all day. I'm dipping hot cheese. I'm dipping hot cheese right now, lady. There ain't no problem That'saued. Okay. Yeah I thought it's finally going to pay off all this work I've been doing Yeah Oh God. So I genuinely did I genuinely did I'm not basically the words and the face of Hugh Grant went through my head. It's the Hugh Grant routine Oh did you? You've got to be an affable Englishman. There's my f I fop. I Exactly. and it's an instinct I have. It's something I turn when I need it I get And I just thought, it's just a natural thing I do. And I'm then we're dancing my dance.. And no one can do this dance better than me apart from Louis Thu. But this is a dance the awkward English poshi, you know what I mean? And the script is written by Richard Curtis. Exactly. Yes And with the medium of audio, you can paint a picture that doesn't have to match up exactly with what's going on visually back home Do what I mean, not that necessarily a problem, but yes, I understand you mightind thking. Yeah Basy talking to her using an audio medium. audience for this dance Diggy jig time. let's do it right I was like, oh, um Thanks so much. s, she started going, so yees, so tell me about your case sir. And I went, I'm sorry, let me just close the bookshop Sorry just let me blow the dust off this old toe of Dickens. Close it up and then tingle the little bell that I tingle before closing up, shot. I'll tell Malcolm to go home early. Back to the vicarage. s I'm genuinely s. Where are you Where are you in you know, I said, o, you're in America, are you like, Yes, know whereabouts? I said. Oh tryrying to open up chat. Yeah. This is a whole new approach from anything I've done in this situation. I'm now trying to go in for chat, you know, I'm trying to sort of trying to putop the charm on And she said something like was somewhere in Georia it was a big town in Georgia? Atlanta is the big one. somethingomething like Athens It wasn int Athens, I remember. It was something like Atlanda Georgia So with a New Jersey accent, yeah. I can't do the accent, but she said it with, Basically, there are two types of Americans There are Americans exist in Richel Catter's films. Yes And there's real Americans as I learnt. And she was a real American. She wasn't Andandy McDowell. She wasn't anant. she did not give a flying even a Nan nouck. She didn't even register what I was trying to do. I was basically a guy dancing a dance in the corner. Yeah. She was like Atlanta Georgia I like And as soon as she said that, I was like, I've got absolutely nothing on Atlanta, Georgia. Nothing. It's real America now. And real America is just like everywhere else. It's just like people doing their jobs living their lives in a fairly serious, straightforward way. Yeah Yeah, and she did not give a Flying fuck a doodle fuck. and And she she went to Atla Georia and I went. No I think I said when thoughts. This is fun or something. I made one last try. this is Nothing Nothing back. She was like, Okaykay sir I said tell her bit a case and I can't cont't do her voice. But it was this kind of real American nollshit This is one of three jobs she is currently having to work. She's not interested in flirting with her even if this Englishman is simply oozing with charm. rememotely interested in any banter or you know J this is the job, These are the figures. And she so she was going through these forms because so online. She was checking out my case and stuff And she went Tell me about your So she said, so yous talk of consumer stuff and lore and stuff And then she said, if you got the receipt, have you got the receipt? Yeah I found the receipt Is there a VAT number on it? I said, Yes. And, is it for work Yes 'ch right consumer legislation does not apply Cck mate. Holy mly when it was like Oh yes, but u Oh I do like drinking lot of tea, though. Oh my God, my mom's Pittsburgh Irish. I love Englishmen of Turkish descent. That's a perfect combination It's like hummus but spread on a bourbon biscuit. I love it She had none of that vibe. Which I think we've been led to believe is a vibe I think we've been misssold this in the nineties, particularly by Hugh Grant and Curtis. Oh my go, your accident is just to die Oh my go I don't think it happened. I love your accents. You' like to Ln in Georgia. So tell me what was that? Is there a VAT number You know what she reminded me of actually? She reminded me of If you were ever to get arrested in in New York and sort of processed through prison know someone on a someone on a desk. Yeah. You know, it's that kind of like it's papwork. It's kind of brutally cold emotionless going through the So you to one nine four. Put your things in the box, putut them in a box. Theyre calling you sir, though. Put them in the box now, sir, you know, but within that sort of It's kind of you know when you fly into America, you could have to go through immigration. that And they're just terrifying. They're really terrifying in very It's the most terrifying place to enter always.. That's exactly what the vibe was. Yeah. And obviously they put those people, put them in the border and they put them On the help desk in Apple. It's the same guys as Yeah, I think. Yeah Yeah, So it was brutal Pay full whack in the end. Oh no. But actually in a weird way, you know, it was bad to have to pay but Ielt I did feel that I'd gone through the avenues. It was important to me that I'd tried the avenues I struck up a bit of a camaraderie with the person in the Apple Stop get ask versus the system and couldouldn't. make the claim because it was a work expense Consumer legislation does not apply Uh So I think the moral is just yield to the system, folks, isn't it It's gonna crush you eventually. Get yielding Get yielding Before I turn on the bean machine Last week, obviously we had Repeated topic Oh yes Yes. And a number of people were in touch to say I thought the beam machine had mechanical tracks and bounces, which within it. to stop that from happening. What some other people also noticed was that the bean machine jingle Pay. Okay Did it not? No. suggested that the big machine is due a service, doesnn't it All told. But Ben you installed whole the whole entrabeen intelligence package that you installed. Well, I think it might have something to do, Henry with you having talked to that person high up in Apple Yes clash of operating systems there, isn't there? becausecause you turned down the opportunity to become well you had the option, didn't we? We had the option to make the billing machine. part of the Mac Mojave Systems update didn't w a few years ago. Maharave. Well, that was one of the disagreements you had, wasn't it That was one of the that was one of the sticking points wasn't it? I I still contend that it's the Mojoave. Yeah And as we know, it does run on Windows ninety eight. Yes. And it's been run great biotech as well, isn't it? That's the thing with the Yeah. So you can be as good as you like with mechanical and the electronic elements of the booming machine. but there is a biological element and that's inherently fallanmible. You have to feed Th Three gecko eggs, don't you? into Ben's back. Into the aperture on my back And yeah, so it's three geckwags, isn't it followed by whole it like a sort of barrel full of kelp, loads and those of kelp going. Yeah. and iron filings. Yeah Cowpole You sneeze, don't you? Whenever you sneeze now There's three or four semi mechanoids or hermit crab type creatures come out, aren't they Y we're not quite sure what to do We're not quite sure what to hear about that. Allry. So I guess what I'm saying is we never said the beam machine was perfect. You know, it's an imperfect machine. Yeah. And we're doing our best. We service it regularly. we had the kelp, we had the own filings. Yeah it's imperfect. It's imperfect and inherently dangerous. And I come around and chisel that that kind of hard sort of barnacles, the hard barnacles that grow within the gills. because it does have gills, doesn't it Stoping it, I have guils. Sorry then. I'm really, really sorry, genuinely sorry when you fed the amount of gecko eggs that have into the aperture on someone's back, you do stop seeing them as fully human. It just goes to the territory, doesn't it So let's tit on the bean machine. which has been freshly serviced This week's topic as sent in by Owen. Thank you Owen from Ril. Okay, in North Wales I was about to say a lovely town, That would be a lie. So what is it? What's the adjective you go for Dilapidated Okay Dilapidated Rll It's near a lot of lovely stuff though isn't it Fabist They mean surprise, meth thinks. But yeah They used to have a huge swiming pool there called the Rill Sun Center which was really exciting. Hlad slides. No nice. I'm doing look at what happened to the Re Sun Center. Ive always been replaced It's still active It's called SC two Sun Center two. The complex has an indoor and outdoor water park with waterers slides and play areas for young children, separate from the water park There is also a Ninja tag attraction Oh yes. Ninja Tack No idea what that is I must gone wrong with society What's wrong in the old days, it was a big square rectangular thing full of water, which one end was really, really shallow, you couldn't tell. And at my birthday party my friend Ben dived in head first and broke his head open. The first thing that happened at my birthday party. Here we are Let swingball crrack. He's cracked his own. there's blood everywhere on my birthday. Blood all over skin The blood of my skin is on his skin, is blood of my mum Hy birthday Pool is closed for three weeks. twenty seconds. Pool's closed for three weeks. There's a complex court case that's gonna go on for years. Ben's never seen again. Your birthday can't be verified. I'm afraid you're just not going to be eight. I never got to be eight. And there's nothing I can do about that now I was going to be given the Lego police station that was burnt in front of me by two magistrates. One onene poured the petrol the other one outld the lighter And you were given a sound ballacking by Justice of the Peace. Yeah My birthday cake was dropped off a bridgeto the Evor The clown that your parents had hired was actually himself turned into a human sizeed balloon animal, he was filled up with pressurised gas released into the atmosphere That's right And it was when they were giving him the was when they was it was halfway through giving him the the giraffe head that he died. It was on it was on the fourth twist. He perished? No sign ofen was ever seen again, although they do say that small parts of his body were was sold through the vending machine. That's a kind of relic As a sort of relic you could buy you could buy a pack of Chrisbs or like a bit of Van's hand or whatever. ago. It's pricey Never get your relics from a veing machine So anyway well, The topic that Owen has put in the B machine fittingly is seaside Towns. know Yeah. I feel a bit guilty about having slammed drill I' I've not been there personally for probably ten years, but when I was there last it felt like a place that needed a bit of love. And I think that's true of a lot of seaside towns. Well, that's the classic, isn't it? Yeah Is that's actually because because of Tormlinos Is it because it theyre a Melanos? It's air travel, isn't it? Is it that did that I think they like cheap flights. Yeah. Because everyone went to Victorian. Seaside toowns, whatever, in full suits eightight parasoles, ab brace of parasoles, wherever you went. Yeah Donkeys. Donkeys in top hats. Yeah. If find if you've ever had a beachide donkey ride? I don't think I don't think I have. Yeah, I will have done. yeah, definitely Long time ago But I certainly remember as a child having a beachide donunkey ride, I'm sure of it I think in Wales I think Porth Cool. I might be wrong about the location, but I can remember who was there. and it seems so it's likely that it was Porth Cool. And one of those people was a donkey. Well of those P Donkey Yeah, so that's always a sign Yeah In terms especially they were below me. Yeah in the memory. So you weren't just having lunch with the donkey, for example I don't know, but memory's such a tricky thing I could well it have much a donkey. Do' I mean I've been having fish and trips at Fulgon' with a donkey? I don't know. And also donkey Donkey Donkey. It could be that what you just said is a false memory that was created by me say saying Donkey just then. Or retrospectively. I just had a strong feeling that you might be saying donkey emphatically And ahead of that, I' better put a false memory in it. The crucial thing is never it's in the past, you'tob. That's the whole point. You think I said donkey? I mean You don't know when I said Donk anymore It was you experience time differently to us. Is that a part of what was happening? Did the woman on the Apple telephone make it go fully non linear You know what? It's funny to say all this. I'm currently reading a book about the science of time Okay 've been rereading the same chapter The same three pages I've been reading, I'm notoking for. I just goinging from coffee to coffee shop, being seen, reading beinging performatively Read a book about time and with a grandfather and with a the big grandfather clock I take out with me. It's going backwards. Is it a brief history of time? No. 'cause that was a big book to be seen owned, but nobody read, right? That was amazing, wasn't it? Becauseuse was a phenomenon, but nobody could read it. No. No. No one has read it Yeahes, so I'm really it's called it's called u The Order of Time by Carlo Rovelli Right Yeah It's absolutely amazing, right? You think? You assume I couldouldn't tell me literally one thing about it. I don't understand any of it enough to. Who is Carlo Rovelli So he's an Italian U academic, such quantum gravity, Uber scientist But rights, you know that the best sellers that are digestible in theory I've been reading the same two pages for a week. Keep on going back and back and back to try and understand what the fuck is talking about. but it's absolutely brilliant probably. Could you illustrate it Well Or is it too baffling It's almost too baffling to depict, but I do like diagrams. They help me to understand things. Could you give us even the smallest thrust about what he's trying to say. What he says is that Time Okay, this I'm going to try and save what he says Time U Oh God. is putting up your dukes to those who are just listed he'' terms his defensive body language. He's literally putting up his dukes. He does this. Yeah. Yeah. It's time for you to get a black eye mf ye Now do you want to know more about time It's time for me to knee you in the ass. Yeah. know more about time. He says that time All of the laws of physics can happen in two Yeah and none of basically we said this time almost is almost isn't real potentially Which is great for me in terms of punctuality. Okay I'm ready. I hoping I can lean into this as the ultimate excuse. I can prove to you that not only was I not late, but that lateness doesn't exist I so fred there. or just see Done like me O all physics equations like Newton and Yeah all the other all the other guys, the other guys, maybe even Aristotle, all the scientific principles, none of them need time to be going in one direction Particularly, it could be going in the other direction and it would still make sense I' feel really hot and stressed right now I mean, I'm definitely feeling the passage of time in the sense that every couple of seconds I'm getting more sweaty Does that make sense to you? No No. It sounds cool, but don I don't understand I can't pretend for a second that I understand how Boyle's Lw can work in reverse or Do know what I mean? I don't know? But it way. One way describes it is, imagine the planet going round the sun If you play that in reverse backwards, it still makes as much sense scientifically. There's no re for there's no reason for anything to be going in one direction. in time But is but it' it not just that it is That h Okay, Shing. How do you want to do this?? Bar fights or karate. I'm offering you karate Beause is that not like saying, okay, everything we know about a duck We know But if you look at a duck, now imagine a duck. with a little cat's tail came out of his back Last still works Why can't that? so that why can't that be real That sounds like exactly the sort of thing where you might get you might get a bollicking bend. That sounds like someone someone listening will know the exact physics of duck flight And a tail would render it completely impossible or better bocking or it's non peris Who knew the solution to world peace but actually if we can bioengineer duck with a tail on the back? Because it's cute and it Beuse it could but it can also knock mugs off shelf but in a way that's cute. Great source of chat fuel for all all cultures. All wars are over. And we have one flag. And that shows a duck with a tail upon it. Do you under what I mean, which is that like yes, something could happen, but there is something that is happening. which is that time is go in one direction Yes, No I'm not sure I'm wrong. Yeah no, that's true. Time is going one direction. And so the mystery is to work out why that's happening. Because there's nothing to suggest it should Big gang in one direction, right? That's exactly the right question,. So Except for one thing which is the Back to the future franchise, Back to the future franchise It's something to do with heat Weirdly H to do with heat being released Yeahly. So there's a rule there is one law of science which has where time has to go in one direction and that is that heat canan't go from a hot thing can't go from a cool thing to a hotter thing always has to go from a hotter thing to a cooler thing. That's one thing that in directionally can never go the other way Yes. And so for example, if you saw a ball rolling down Table Hobble Um, yeah, okay It makes it more fun. Yeah. Yeah, so' a snooook ball that you' stuck in the ovenal for hour Forget your o ms. Don't forget your o ms. So you put it on an uneven table No It's an even table. even. You roll it down the table for a bit and eventually it comes to a stop That It doesn't make sense the other way around Be that would be a ball suddenly starting to move can't happen oy unless you got a big hoover Well, of course there's a whole big hoover theory. That's the next book I'm going to read because you have to be to understand both sides of these things, don't you? To come up with your own opinion. So I'm going to read the Order of Tim by Colour. Gally My Big Hoover by Mike Wosnet And it allll comees to my own opinion I might suggest actually that it would have to be more than just a big hoover. It would have to be powerful So we're talking Mlle. But're not I don't think we're talking Dyson actually.'s beyondyson beyond Dyson. I think we're talking Mielle, we're talking Nh. We're talking the original Henryess Yeah.. But these are debates that happen within the big B Hoover community, aren't they mike It's all covered in the book. Forward by Michael Pale and Mike. That's all you've said has done the forwward Because if you look very closely, well, it's Cindy Luper.'s Cindy Luper, isn't it? But there's a photo Michael Payleon on the back, isn't it? But If you look underneath, it says forward byon and then it says Michael and then Okay and then very small Panglin isn't he' called him with the LONG very small. Yeah. So you thought you couldn't get sued because of that, but you've actually actually being sued by Cindy Lupper is getting sued. That's, you know that was the whole strategy. I I said to the pubish I don't want to get sued If anyone' getting sued. I wanted to be Cindy Lauper. But she do really like her stuff. She's got broad shoulders for that. Exactly. She seems quite strong. she's being sued by Panguin world, isn't she? Yes. Utah We is see any place where we can see five pangolins If you're lucky Yeah, that's they've developed the pangolin suit ha't they? so you? But yeah, one of the Penguins might be manar in a suit. Michel Panguin And that's not an normrative to terminism terminimism,seterminm It's not Oh no That's not that, is it ' the other way around with that one. So you were saying that if you A ball can't go up a table on its own, but that's because of drag team, which we no no rolling along a table Okay,' straight out the oven. You've got the oven glove on Yeah bowed it with your ms. You bowl the the hot snooker ball It rolls down the table and then comes to a stop. Yeah It can only happen that way round in time. If if you watch that in reverse, it would be a ball starting to move without you So ending up in an oven glove and might wasn't putting it in the oven, even though it's really hot which makes no sense But it's not okay So what that means is Yeah, But the reason that certain things and the key fact is that heat is involved This is friction The ball moves down the table and so heat is sort of dispersed Yeah the energy turns to heat because ofaction that Yeah yeah On things where there's heat involved like that Does time need to be going in one direction rather than the other I say o it doesn't make sense. So then so so we know that And the other thing is to do with entropy this chapter is blowing my absolute trousers off every night in bed. I'm reading it over and over again. I wake up in the night I read over and over again. And still no comprehension at all of what it means. occasionally I see like a tiny you' got the right translation It's so complicated. Occasionally I see like a gap in the door like I can see a bit of the light of understanding it because I'm holding onto enough ideas at the same time and then it goes and I have to start again. Can I just say, I'm sure we have some listeners who are physicists or people in that world. And I would welcome an email that tries to explain what Henry is trying to explain to us. Oh my Godd In such way we might understand. Yeah, he's deep be fascinated. But the other just quickly the key bit that I'm not understanding is is to do this thing of entropy. So entropy is linked to heat in some way. and is that's what has happened to Ril Yes, well done. It's become so entropy always goes up And what so that's another thing which time always goes, always increases And what that means is the disorder in a system always increases I think I think if you introduce heat So a glass of water. If you heat it up, the molecule stop moving around. It's like a deck of cards which is all organised by suit, then you shuffle it Over time things get more disordered, more dispersed, that's entropy going up.. So real swimming pool, for example will have more and more turds I'll have more and more ts, but never less and less rightight Unless, of course, you've got a turd adapted bigig over Which is an attempt by mankind to impose order on the chaos. Yeah. But what is doomed to fail, ultimately? entropy goes up, things get more disordered Pace I don't I can'tt I can't carry on any yeah I need to reread it again. blly me Pretty good stuff though But what what he says, for example, is that hat, for example, doesn't It really exists, O it does No it does exist No sorry, it does exist. Yeah But it's only because we see things in a certain way. We'll have to come back to that once I've understood it. Okay. But yeah, I would definitely welcome some emails on this topic because I don't have the first idea what Henry's going on aboutom Yeah I do have it covered but Yes, emails would be fun. Okay, time to read your emails. Yes, please. Okay, let's start off with a version of the email jingle sent in by Oula. Excellent, thank you Arder says, Good D Beans, I've been trying to convince my family of traditional singers to help me cover the email jingle for many months. and have finally gotten them to sit down and sing it. It is a translated rendition in Scottish Gaelic. Oh wow. now I always get this wrong and people have pulled me up on this. There's Gaelic Yeah Gaelic Yes, one's Irish, one's Scottish, I think Always get it wrong and I'm very sorry Do you know which one ofger around it? I think I think most people in Ireland just call it Irish things. They do. Yes. But I think in Scotland. I don't know this's a good. I always thought it was pronounced Gallelic by Scottish Ganic or Gaelic speakers, but again, I've been wrong before, I'm sure. So there's a translated version in Scottish Gallic in three part harmony acccompanied by a shoty box. Wow Apologies for the bad san qualat was done in the haste on my phone as my father was getting hgry Here it goes for this And let I h is suppost j eer follow S me to bar a hress around D't of for the haic Roy Mothing thatmter fish. R's in the Yoser? H where a f and stle strawliner followers Wash your r fer stress My ro all is again H w the fr Eine Oh my go, that's so lovely. That was superb. If I knew I could have played that down the phone to the helpp desk lady in Georgia. That would have worked. They would have done. All, thank you to you and your family amazing. Fantastic. That was absolutely beautiful. What lovely singing voices as well Fam, she said. of my family of traditional singers Oh my god So lovely. They wonder this The highighlands from village to village Have it imagin, though, yeah Also, order says and this is big I tried and failed to get three bean salad on BBC one. Now this is very exciting. Last year, I happened to be a finalist on BBC One's greatreat British sewing bee. Oh A, Pimy. And I thought it'd be fun to find the three bean salad slash niche sewing community crossover, which is bigger than you think I'm getting get I reckon it's biger than you think. That crossover by trying to sneak in as many beans references as possible Here is what I tried and how they immediately failed. N one I asked to wear my favorite three bean salad t shirt on episode two This was immediately vetoed by production. Absolute bullshit Two, during One Challenge, I tried to use a cool fabric with crabs on it so that I could ring the crab bell Brackets, much like Bonjamin's ego, the fabric was way too flimsy and so had to be discarded Checks out No God Three I said Pomperoo many times throughout the series in the vain hope that one of them would stick through into the final edit They of course did not. We're being silenced by the mainstream media. leg media. They can't handle what we offer They can't handle our off grid thinking Bertty how I also listened to many an episodeil hold up in my hotel room preparing for the final sewing challenges each week It was a long, stress inducing and challenged all of my abilities to focus, deal with repetitive and arduous tasks while being constantly interrupted, which made me rethink all of my sante and life choices. I like it. Cry on Filming the TV show wasn't easy either Verills. She's the trry bread. She's the traditional singing ing Switcheruse, we will not be sending you a badge in the post And I will personally make sure that I'm the one who doesn't send it. It's our fault in a way we should have known that all I had that And then should we should that skcaill and we should have center that badge all the same being, then she should'd have had something to sew into the costume yeah Bime me all well done All it doesn't say if she won the Song B, but I have to haven't seen it, but that's I mean finalist is still pretty massive Yeah But the mainstream media continues continue silencing us, isn't it interesteresting . What is it that it can't handle Nice and thank you very much for the Scottish Gaelic. I mean, if anyone else is out there fancing any of the other the languages of the UK, why not? Yeah Let's have for Welsh Manks, bit of Cornish. Yeah. Yes. Geordie. Scots? Scots? Yeah. Yeah, Geordi be good Come on, come on. Dialects and languages. Jersey French Oo, hello. And maybe you're just a big pososh knob from Surrey. Yeah. We love. It he's lovely to hear a bit of RP. which refreshing a proper RP. of King's English onees and that as well Anyway, if you want to email us the email address is three bean salad pod at dreammail. com This one is from Gemma from Bromley Thank you, Jemm. Promly. Nice. Dearbeans, regarding your doubling up of circus episodes. So last week we did the topic circus again. Yes. Yes. I thought it might bring some comfort to know that you're not the first people to do this On the twentieth of november two thousand eight Brittney Spears released an album called Circus And three days later takeake that to release an album called The Circus. The vibes of the albums couldn't have been more different Especially the title tracks, but I love them both and I think it shows that both permutations of circus can coexist Okay, thank you, Gemmifa from Bromley. That is nice. It's reassuring. They are different people though aren't they? Yeah that's the key because I was fully expecting you to say. And days later, Britney Spears has released another album. Yeah called calledles was that. Yeah. And that would have been a cry for help, I think. Yeah, you know. Does Gemmifa from Bromley see within our group Britney Spears's character and to take that and to take that Who is Jason Orange He guess I went out for a drink of the night in Cardiff and it was the same night as Take that were playing in the stadium And because it was an official council event night, no bar was able to give you a glass made of glass Seriously Because maybe a take that fan would come in and glass you with. they quite tastier. that. while saying take that, isn't it? That' The whole band is based on glass and culture, isn't that what came out of You say takeake that. And he shove a magnet of glass into someone's face. Yeah that explains it. Yeah, they really softened later in their careers in The euncular figures that we know today. HQick question, I'll take that. How could I'll take that don't know really H For me takeaking that are the category of bandwear. Ive really do want to think that I don't like them desperately Yeah occasionally I will go to one of their concerts have all the merch. all the much. And occasionally I will pay over five thousand pounds to have a meet and greet with Jason Orange. He's not int take that anymore. I know that's why he'sduced his price down to five thousand Gemma writes finally, on behalf of the good people of Bromley. Yeah I hope Henry enjoyed his visit to our horrid little borough. Yours been for Lee Jemma from Bromley time. He a ferry man. L. Ary It' all O Sash Sad Thank you everyone who signed up on our Patreon Thank you. thank you. Where you can go for your bonus episodes. Lots of bonus content. Loads now. Yeah, I mean, we've been doing it for years. if we added it up in minute terms Double thig is There are two tiers to sign up, but if you sign up at the Sean Beanier You get a shout out from Mike from the Shanban Lounge. You certainly do. Where Mike spent the evening last night, I believe. I did And it was a tasting, wasn't it? of Sean Bean's freshly brewed onion wine course Thank you, Benjamin, and here's my report There was a tasting of Sambean's freshly brewed onion wine last night at the Shambean Lounge. Last year the same event led indirectly to the likes of Dawn Petett, Eric Berlingame, Rachel Daniels, and Colin all experiencing serious problems in the days following, including everything from disciplinary proceedings at work to refusal of border crossings, owing to eye wateringly intense onion breath. As a result this year, Gemma Askeem Denise carved out a large chunk of the budget for spepear mint chewing gum, but instead of ordering seven hundred individual sticks, managed to order a single stick of gum weighing seven hundred kilos. Mrely attempting to carry the gum into the onion product's tasting sueite caused Allan Elliot to throw his back out to the extent he needed to be carried on a stretcher. But all the stretchers being currently in use for Sean Ban' reenment Battle of Spion Kop, the gum itself had to be used as a stretcher and was borne by John O'Leary, Claire, Patrick Lee, and Caf, or rather they attempted to bear it but as a unit simply lacked the brawn. Pfuse sweating ensued Rrivlets of sweat running into the body of the gum, softening it, and making it powerfully adhesive. The stretcher bearers managed to drop the gum and save their hands in the nick of time, but there was no such luck for the increasingly hapless Alan Elliot, who was now firmly stuck to that refreshing megastick, by his back, back of arms and legs, and back of head. The wisdom of cutting him out of his clothes before placing him on the gum stretcher was questioned by Joey Jojo Junr. Sluty Bartfast Chabadu, but this was no time for ruminating on the past Action was needed if Allen was to be plucked free. Daniee Christie and LH forty four ROS one thousand suggested drying the gum out in the sun, so the San bean roof was removed, but it became quickly apparent Allen would burn to a crisp well before the gum dried out. Charlie Lavender, Beagle Boy, WHE Burt One, Daniel Bobel and Charles Johnson therefore stepped up and not without considerable effort, used a series of levers and pulleys to flip the gun over so the non Allan side of it was facing the sun. This placed Allan himself gravelide, But it was felt on balance to be worth the risk. The suun was fearsome No less so for Ian Morrison and Joseie Brown's decision to deploy the CMV LMG. The crane mounted very large magnifying glass, but rather than set, the gum now began bubbling. Robert Maynard James, Joe Clark, and Meghan S tested the temperature and found it to be about right for searing asparagus but far too hot to make a minenestroni, Darren Hary Clift and Ronal closed the roof and attempted rapid Cooling of the gum with liquid nrogen. Once the haze had cleared, Eric Nerd and Finn assessed the scene and found the gum to be still intolerably sticky. By this time, throats were feeling parched and that onion wine wasn't going to taste itself. so thank goodness, Sophie Horan and Lillian Harrison drew the issue to a close by covering the gum with linoleum flooring, and the onion wine tasting proceeded without a hint Thanks Right, that's the show. Let's finish off with the theme tune And thank you to everyone who sent one through This is from Alex Alex says, I'm aew Eish listener to the pod and started from the beginning in september twenty twenty five When I went back to Uni as a mature He's written brackets, Inert Mike's R trill here. Okay you say mature with a big trunk? Mature student Plymouth in speech and language therapy. Mike keeps it where the mature turns into a panththerrl Mature That is a great way to introduce itself to people on campus Sexy but with an element of threat. Yes, which is the Perfect cocktail I didn't know anyone in the city of Plymouth when I moved, and your lookcorn banter has been a lovely comfort blanket. in slightly lonely times will I adjust to a new place. I, like Henry, played flute at school gave up as teenager hood hit I bought a second hand one from a charity shop about two years ago and it has been gathering dust ever since However, Henry's talk of his woodwind days inspired me to have a go at playing the theme dune It took a while to stop getting lightheaded and to work out the different notes and apologies for the slightly breathy quality, but my ammbchher Ain't what it used to be All the best, Alex Thank you, Alex. Thankks, Alex. Yeah. And until next week, goodbye. Cheerio. Be G a lovely quivering quality like the sort of the woodland imp You could imagine Alex prancing and dancing in front of you on the path Yes withith a glint in his eye. Don't stay from the path Wh