Patreon Shoutouts and Spice Rack Sorting

Okay, so u Every so often It's in the nature of the medium Yes the podcast every so often Recording a podcast intersex with one of the great formative moments in the mooulding of human being ver human soul, some might say Okay Now today isn't one of those days. No,, that's unusual. Yeah. reallyally unusual. That's why it raarely happens if ever. Yeah. But But what is what is happening today is the podcast is we're recording on a day which is quite a special day in the life of a human And that is You're getting baptized I'm having my midlife baptism So up until now I've been Henry and from now on I am, Saint Henry. Its the midlife Baptism is a very heavy dunking though as well. really You're not like a baby. you're not starting from scratch. This is There's a lot to wash off. There's a lot to wash off. Yeah. You want to go into some heavy brandy just upstream of a brandy processing plant as well so they can process what comes off. That's right, yeah. it's a thick, heavy brandy. And then of course, I'm set fire to at the end of the ritual by Russell Brand. by Russell Brand at a coterie of cancellled celebrities It's the day before holiday So I'm going on holiday tomorrow and I'm in the middle of Essentially it's a non military saving private Ryan is what I'm in the middle of My adrenaline levels are absolutely pumping. I'm experiencing this as twice the speed is actually happening. justust so you both know But you both seem incredibly slow and ponderous to me be like Whereas I'm like a fly. I'm experiencing my heart rate is going so quickly. we're actually actually halfway through the pod. Well because you're physically with us, aren't you? But your head is very much at a Beure de Change. My head is at a Beieuur deechange. Also, partart of my head is in Uniclbe buying shorts Which is something I'm doing later on today. Yeah. but you can't wait to see what this season's cut is. how high is it going? Do you know what I mean? How hot the leg what's in? Well, Mike, little little glimpse behind But up the wizards trousers in a way Mike actually texted us Sdnely a few days ago asking us how long is okay for shorts? that was Mike was on holiday. It was too late by the way. was ex despiration. Be I what it came up on PBC News? He was arrest for those hot pans when he. It wasn't being admitted to mainland Europe. No As far as I could tell, the problem was the cut of the shorts. Wellth you did cure, didn't you an old Spanish lady of blindness, didn't you say Because it cuts both ways doesn't it in those villages, those medieval Spanish villages. It does. whatever's coming off from our undercarriage, Yeah, will clear up cataracts It just so Just houses through it somewhere And there's now a what's a national there's a national day, isn't it? Iland de cararriaggi or Dloznaki. There is with a national dish. Yes, ye, exactly. sort of stewed shorts. That's right. sererved with thick, thick black bread And there's a poached squid eye just sits on top and slowly seeps into the dish. which You can choose to have it with or without that, isn't it Yeah so yeah, I mean some of the day it's just genuinely having. this is real, essentially what' doing. It's not this isn't really conversation as such. you're witnessing something that's actually happening. Yeah. So So on the day before holiday Certainly do and I imagine a lot of people do is it's just an absurdly packed day with a mixture of work tasks that you're finishing off and so many injections. This is an injection because of course I'm going to go to the doorine so ob. So you'll just take whatever iss available in boots, wouldn't you? Yeah Yeah. J Just wang it in. I just wang it in just straight in the neck, you know as close as it can into a main neck archtery And f you can do Westnell virus directly into my eyes. Yeah ye we could often do that. got if the pharmacist is nice on the day, they'll often do that. and then it is eat a two boxes of parased or a box and all. exiving the instructions I feel like we have to say don't do that. I know nobody would say don't do that.t honestly, don't that So for example, today I have already visited the dental hygieneist, I'm not joking. Wow. I've been so because that's the best person to go to to work out whichugs you' supposed to bring for the pug it Yeah. you've got to ask them. They just know. They just know that kind of thing. Are you beach teeth ready Andm beach te' readady. Again, it's something we've been putting off for ages And for some reason, the other weird thing which happens on day before holiday for me is I start doing things like dental hygienus that I've put off for a long time because it's massively inconvenient to do them. I suddenly decide to do them on that day. That's craz It's perverse. So just to give you an idea, I've been to the dental hygienist. Yeah. I've eaten a salmon bagel On the way out of eating the salmon basil. Thankk God you did that after the ping, it's on the way in. you've always got to get the out that order, right? I've already. So bear in mind, this is a morning record. I've already into a fan of three bean salad. veryy good. So I was halfway through eating the salmon bagel. This is a shout out to Abby. She's a viola player who'd just been told she wasn't performing with What was he calledld again Me loaf Because he's dead But the meatloaf estate have been very slow at sending out the emails. Well they're on a catch up day too. They really are. I mean, frankly, it's been Nothing like a bat out of hell in terms of the cancellation of session musicians So had Abby sort of auditioned to say Abby was supposed to be performing tomorrow night at the Albert Hall with Well, I' keep on wanting to say Roy Oberson, but it's not Roy Oberson. No he's also dead. also dead. It's No, u Wayne Ruus Wainwright. Oh was She was suppos to be fforming via with Ruperus Wainwright. This was a high end fan. She She then got cancelled last minute. but this is what's happening. This is intercepting with the glamorous life of Henry Packer play the Jingle Soo, Batterattersea. O Sustholk Stretam, Vauxhall. Tuffmall Park. Barnet, technically. Madame Tsorts. The Senate of? Halfs. Zone five Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia Next up, Urban Elightment For glamorous London Life of Henry Bacca. Hang on a second Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber? No, it can't be Because you're surround Drew Lloyd Weber. I know. That's the amount I'm packing in today. She's had a bit of bad news and she's now getting sprayed with sort of chunk chunks of bagel from an absolutely perfect goob Exactly. so confusing Served gob. Yeah. Yeah, so very confusing for. how can this much protein be coming out of such a clean sef? But so shout out to Aby, who was very nice. Yeah. I then hang on, so I'm just interested. Why is Aby, sorry I'mper at the speed of flight so that's why. Also you'll notice sometimes I will head butt that door when I try and go to the toilet every. tryrying to get through it. Why is Abby no longer playing with R if's Wayneright? Has she disgraced herself Apparent she said it's just something which can happen It's the life of a session musician. She was taking it very gamely. I don't think that adds up I think Appy's got secrets that She was holding back for me. but The thing is, again, I'mperating a fly, I'm not really big on empathy right now. I just need to get shit done, Pukon food, eat it. myself bred into a t that So anyway, I think got on a line bike, I was then on my way to this podcast, which I'm doing with Aford traravel. I then At some point on theline back I've developed a gash in my legs. I've got a gash in my shit, I've got bleed gash. I did develop a gash. But I whacked myself. I was in such a hurry, I just whacked myself. I felt the pain because I'm on pre holiday day completely adrenalised I'm not really feeling pain, so I looked down at the remnants of my leg when I was on the line bike Does it impact your passport photo? No, carry on. So I'll just you slightly listing because youank off the leg from the knee and throw it into a scrip So I then come here, I'm now doing this podcast. So after this I'm getting my beard trimmed. It's amazing, isn't it? There's in different spheres of life. So because we can feel the adrenaline, we can feel the passing energy coming from you. and we can also feel how You're at the moment feeling like something of a hero with what you've achieved today. what you actually described so far It doesnn't sound like a very challenging morning.act Exactly someomehow, ye. ye. that's exactly the point I'm making. I'm just gonna to carry on with a point I can't get into the niceties of whatever it was you were saying,ike. C' not how about niceties right now. If you've exchanged niceties with a fly, they fucking haven't So I've had one appointment before ten thirty AM I've had time to eat a salmon bagel. I had a nice chat with a viola player who's a fan of my work. Although she did make a shout outs to both of you as well. She very much sees it as a group podcast That must have been after stomach kind. I nearly brought up the rest of that some but I just said that. Also, by the way, I was late for the hygienus because I'm so stressed. and she was using it E Eximental Hover. Biousically they' been a mix up. a mix up with the bookie? She thought I was a Henry Hoover that was getting serviced. She changed the filter, didn't she You got a new bag. new bag and filter I I thought the technology can't be that different. Just get on with it. I'm going on it tomorrow Yeah she was using a semi experimental new system, I think I was fifteen minutes late for a half hour hygiene sion, right. So she's already cheesed off with you. She's already cheesed off. I was like, get it done. Do every other tooth if you have to just do the front I mean it' about frrankly it's for the holiday. It's not for my hygiene. You know what I mean she said are using is it tr right that you want to do theniling somethinging system? I didn't he what it was. I just said yes. She put a sort of girdle in my mouth and it spread my glit Basically she was using It's like it was shooting sort hot and cold sort of water with little sort of minty crumbs in it Well I think it was cold actually. It's quite hard to tell that at extreme temperatures. It was cold. At one point it felt a bit hot, but sort of bits in it. I think you've been sandblasted. That's what they do for the hulls of ships. Yeah, or the front of an old cathedral She did actually say to me as part of a small talk. She was like, You know what I've done three old ships to them, But look this afternoon, it's just Cathedrals.ry can't do anything about it, Gargoyles. I'm just going to relate them until next time I wasonder think about the main massive gargle that stuck in the front of your face. And I was like,' So she was seeping water down my neck. She was seeping now the device you had with water was being channeeled down my neck all over my shoulders and down my neck. And she was like, oh Godd, I'll change the thing. And I went,t't Cry on. I don't I don't I ke on having to say, I don't mind, W would that be able to say M because of the thing on n. I don't lie. I don't lie. This is what it sounds like. I don't lie. But you know what, actually, I genuinely tried to do this Tes I had a girdl in my mouth whichich means I couldn't do any of the mouth shapes where you had to touch your lips together. So I couldn't do B's, P's, or Ms. So if I had to discuss the wines of Monte Peuliano, I'd absolutely fucked which has been the wines of A what I tried to do with, I thought I need to use acting here Be the water is going down My shoulder and stuff I had to use acting to sound nonchalant. That was all I could do. so I couldn't go I like that, I was o No He. Do you I name, Henry Packer's acting Masterclass Available now He's emailed the best, Cal Puccino, Robert Doniro. He's emailed them all Assuming that their emails are M D Niro and hotmail dot com. Who's M Diro I didn't say it was a foolproof system Do you think Robert D Niro is going to use his own full name name at hotmail d. com No he's going to change one of the letters, isn't he? He always booked restaurants as Matthew De Niro, wasn't he? An can be in cognito. press don't go into it Also, if you saw someone look like Robert De Niro come in and he was called like Antovich Caplando, you'd be like that's definitely Robert De Niro. Whereas if he was called Mich Matthew De Niro, Yeah, you' think I'd maybe hold on his uncle. So you were trying to give off nonchalence. I was trying to give off nonchalence because I kind ofestestuse I just didn't care that I was getting water over me. I just need to get the teeth cleaned. It's hard to convey nonchalence when being actively drenched, isn't it? I think Exactly and girdled in luckily I had the skills to do it. so I got out of there gotot so got my leg gashed. Yeah wound it's a genuinely bleeding wound. I mean, it's it's It's cleaned, not dress. So if it's time to clean it not dress it I've gone to TesCcoos. This this all happened today, right? I've I've gone to Tescoos and I was I was three microseconds away from accidentally buying some poor patrol elastoplasts had them hovering over the self checkout I rel they were p patrol ones I went back andanged the normal ones I've realized since then I haven't got I simply haven't got time toress the wound. C clean's notress.'s I am' just I' cleaned not dressed. I'm not going to have time to dress that wound today I've looked for Savon couldn't find any And that brings you just I've made a coffee and I' brought you up to speed Wow, wow. Yeah. But l today So later today I'm getting my beirard trimm ying I need to buy some shorts This is the big one You need to get a passport. , Mike, I always schedule it in the night before departure to check my passport to still in date. So don't you worry about that? Be you do learn things with time eventually. ye. certain things do come through. So I'll always check that on the departure I'ly have to find my adapters. But this afternoon I said This is what I do I pack in so much for the pre holiday day. After I get my beirard trimmed, I'm going to the Hor in Bromley And Bomly Bly because I've had a long term IT problem for about three or four months, which I think you both know about, which is my keyboard on my MacBook stop. certain letters stop working I couldn't write Heay M and P or something. So I went to the Apple store three months ago And Can you see that again without burping Can you get up off your fucking high holes, your Majesty? What do you think this is Ben, I know you've got Habsburg blood. We all know you've got Habsburg blood, but at the moment, the Habsburg Empire is not. It's not at its zenith, is it? and it's hard for someone with your blood to deal with. But it's not. Denna will rise again, Henry ye, sorry I'm going to thele St st and B promly. So I've had this key problem. So yeah I went to the Apple store few months ago And this is a classic MacBook bullshit issue, which is As soon as there's a problem, they go, yeah, you have to buy new MacBook. But it's what happens is they'll say I'm sorry to yeah You can we can fix your keyboard for six hundred pounds. So at that point it's probably not that's what they say thatselfl it's probably not even worth fixing it. You should probably get one of the next generation of MacBooks at this point They always say that. If you have that said to you Yeah. ye Yeah, yeah, that's yeah, that kind of thing Tacks were grudgingly going on with my. Beause you didn't want you could tell neither you wanted to agree with me there. It's never actually happened to me. I'm trying to think c now and I don't think that has happened to me, but I sort of understand that situation Yeah You can get a new keyboard for six hundred quid, which is insane. they can fix the keyboard for six hundred pounds, which is mad I get any Macbooks I didn't know what to do So I got a tempor keybo which is on Bluetooth And you can also use it through plugging it in By the way I really needed this moment by way today. I'm experiencing a kind of sense of calm now Well, you're tiring, I think. you've tired yourself out. That wass coming across now in fly terms, this would be a great time to swat. This would be an amazing time to swat. And I'm just going go for it now. Just roll up anything, use your fucking pm your hand. Js get it done now So yeah, so I've been using this temporary solut But what worked out in the meantime is D done some research and Apparently because I'm pass the warranty, right on the MacBook, but Currently If I go back to the shop where I bought it, which is why I have to get a Bromy because I was living in Chrystal Palace at the time and that was the nearest one where I bought this Mac book About two years ago. If you take a copy of Magna Carta with you, copy of Magna Carta Donkey of child giving age and the seal of your local baron Four head of fls. F head of flacks Pontiff of whipped cream. Pontiff of whipped cream. and a prelate proselytite, a leper, some walloon children Hbald eagle. So you've amassked these things. I've amassed all those things, You're ready to go. Yeah This is classic Martin money saving expert stuff isn't it? That's you It's outs Martin Martin saving Lewis Lewis saving, Martin experpert Tell a book Intally I have to go there And I think I have to say to them. So have to say to them, So here's my laptop. I bought it two years ago. I invoke my right as a consumer. Yes. Yeah. Soay that. I bought this two years ago. keyboard has stopp working Can you fix it? And they go no, becausecause it's outside the warrant, and then I have to go I invoke my right according to the twenty eighteen consumer rights legislation, Mother fucker! And then they throw you out for salty language If they do try and uck me, I probably will resist arrest because I'm so stressed and pre holiday whichich means I could end up being tasered So hang on doeses this not completely sort of blow out of the water the idea of a warranty even being something that's F boy. if you can just say, if I was listening to the radio and I came across the station and someone said that I'd turn off. ' like, what squaare Dildo had the come before me? Because they were fucking cool like me, man I put it onto cool FM Warranty ChatFM. Warranty chatFM with Ben Partridge., you brought up this whole topic ye. I'm having my cake and eating at mate. I'm fine and So Gantce so s, sorry. Well, you know, there's a lot of talk about warranties, but if it turns out that all you have to do is go back to your change the record, grandpa. How d are you? I' afid I've got short memory. I've got no morals it. I think I know what you mean. That's why it feels like a bit It feels like the closest I've ever got in my life to being like Braveheart. Yes. You feel like I'm taking on the whole system itself. You've seen the Matrix or yeah yeah yeah yeah. You've been charged for these warranties all along and they were meaningless. Exactly. But know there's legislation I think it' the t in those situations is You have to decide Be an absolute You' sort of a bit of a dick head about. you just have to You' sort of hold your ground and be annoying where It's just something which doesn't come naturally to me, unfortunately. Obviously for you guys, it's a whilec in the perk. No but do you know what I mean? You have to kind of hold your ground and sort of ye Yeah, you're going to be Captain Borlake to be Captain Borlake and You've got to sort of not except the but that's okay. It's a massive company. that's why a lot of them structure themselves like that, didn't they? It is a ballleck to get these things done. It's just the tenacious few that that make through make it through. So can you be one of the tenacious few? That's the question Sorry, now I' listening to Mike talk about this. I agree with you, Henry. It's really boring. This is not listening to Yeah, ye. Well I'm glad we've found. We've all seen no try on that Let's turn on the bean machine. Oh, yes, please. Good idea. This week's topic as sent in by Charlotte. Thank you, Charlotte is The circus A bit of music has smashed it in terms of I know, like brand recognition What is that piece of music? because that is piece of music of the sirc. It will be it'll be Brahms. Do you know I mean? it'll be it'll be Brahms,'ll be it'll be Brahms. It'll be all People saying that will be the thing that makes Harold Shuntington absolutely furious because he wrote that song in nineteen eighty three and people always say it's Braamas. I think I'm going look at that, but I think it's called something like the entrance of the clowns, doesnn't? I think is meant to Some There's a few pieces of music like that Here comes the bride Oh Yes, that's another one. yeah. So Brahms probably. Or again, Harold Chuntingon he's thrownap he's throwning his laptop out of the window now. he's absolutely viewious. And y, he's still listenens to the podcast or his laptop, which some people do. Here comes the bride. Here comes the Darth Vader. There's another one. Here comes the Darth Vader. Oh hang on So I've looked it up I was sort of writing this called Erance of the somethingomet, but it's not clownes. Is it going to be some circus animal? Is it the lizard parade? Is it from some creepy h let's try and work out what that's going to be. It'll be from Bes, it'll be Bze. it'll be Biz. B B B. is it Biz? Bz. So I can give you the name of the composer, although I don't quite know how to pronounce it. So it's the Czech composer Julius Fucket? No, Julius Julius fucket. Food chick, I think. Oh, I don't know. Food Chick Okay It's probably a Is it from a ballet then, I reckon? Is it an entrance of a circus animal? Hang on Fuik, a bandmaster in the Austro Hungarian army. Oh my God! Finally, Ben, Aise. That's the signal. Fight to Hungary now. It's about to start. You need to be on the right side U The, um The March of the penguin children dance of the dance the The jostling of the knife hurlers. I think it's the Flamingo troop up and And I feel this is the closest I would say, so I think Mike gets the point. the jugglers or the that kind of thing, is it So Flutrich, a bandmaster in the Austro Hungarian Empire, was fascinated by the Roman Empire. Okay and intended the peace to be a serious high energy military march to evoke the spectacle of gladiatorial combat It's called Entrance of the Gladiator. C imagine? interesterest of the gladiators, but it's a bit of a If you're a gladiator now and you came on too that, you'd be like, o they'd takeen piss someone's hacked into my pre show supposed to get slaughtered for people's entertainment to this. Yeah. It was supposed to be metallica. Bea that feels like that's the wrong reference now, isn't it? Yeah Is that only true because we now associate it with clowns, whereas if we listen to it fresh having If you've got a baby and played it. The baby thinks this is light and jaunty. It's light and jaunty It may have some like martial instrumentation. Yeah It may be Trumpets and drums and all the rest of it but it's still ye I mean it' it's jaunty. Come on There's all different kinds of theories aren't there in books, and money to be made out of that how to bring up babies? know do you feed them or not? The big question. the big question do you sleep them upside down? How genetically similar are they to bats? Exactly We're actually doing bat sleeping with little Oliver and he's really responding to it really well He loves eating may flies as well. he loves growing wings between his fingers Which we're not going to mention though. No until he's fifteen. I think it's too fast as well. It's too fast for like something that sounds properly martial You can't go into battle with something that fast or I don't think. But do you think that means that you know, in Czech border skirmishes in the early nineteen hundreds There would have been an army marching without playing in the background. Be to me, that song was is it March of the Gadiators? Arrival of the Gladiators. Arival G that to me. In terms of the centers of my brain, it triggers and the emotionalponse Pretty similar to the Benny Hill music Right know which which they they played to didn't they? It was it Tory MPs leaving to dream that Be who was it Do remember they were playing that when MPs were leaving some that rings a bell. Yeah. Soor MPs were leaving some meeting. it was maybe during COVID or something And someone was just there playing the Benny Hill music as they all left. No, was no, it was when It was when Tresa May was resigning. Okay Hello Ben here, just before you all bollock me I've looked it up and it was the resignation of Boris Johnson outside Downing Street and she walked out to that podium thing and somebody was playing on a huge speaker like out on the What's that road next to the Downing Street? White H White Hall ye. and someone was playing Banny health theme tune so that All of the footage of her resigning has that lightly in the background. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's correct. And you just can't argue with it. It's so undermining. Nothing you It's so annoying. You know, Henry, you know, when you're in the Apple store later If the manager starts saying, I'm sorry, sir, the warranty has run out, you just need to get your phone out. Yeah. But's a drombone, if you can, you Then the security stauffffer starts chasing me around the thing as I'm playing And that means I can suddenly stop and change direction and start chasing them and all the other things. And also as a bald man, I didn't get slapped on the head by a sort of bus steam lady as on roder skates. This is all stuff that happened in Beny Hill. Also, Beny Hill one of the few references we don't have to explain to American listeners because for some reason they all loveved Beny Hill Yeah. Really? Yeah. It was he huge in Americ. It was huge in Europe. It was like a worldwide smash boil down comedy to its essence, which is a man being chased by a toless woman. Act funny, just stop whimsical nonsense of actual ruddy joke and some boo probablyual Yeah. because you know, all these comedians, they go on they go this that and the other is actually fundamentally Where are your wigs? Where are your wigs? Where are your wigs? You're barely doing cross eyes. I'm sick of sitting through an hour of a comedian who's not at any point making himself cross eyed. What point are you're trying to make is more effort to the arue use them, y And yes, a small boald man being sort of punished by busty ladies. Are we saying we can't do that now We've fallen so far. You're denying your humanity. Even cavemen found small bald cavemen Juxapers with tall juxtapers tall ladies, called cave ladies ave ladies. inherently funny It's one of the things that makes us, you know, better than animals and than robots and stuff, isn't it But anyway And to be fair I did findy you used to find Benny how absolutely hilarious as a kid I don't think I I wasn't exposed toenny as a kid. We were exposed to a lot of comedy. It was it was comedy, but I think I think I think the the the cultural gatekeepers in the household thought it was beyond the pale That could cuse you slug off on my parents. That's cool. Indirectly yes, because For me I thought you ha't g me for being older than you but actually no, it's fine, you just sl likeg off my parents. That's cool. thans Frankly, we barely had time to watch Benny Hill with all the old footage of Nazi marches that were being shown by my mom gatekeeping parents Yeah And Fox h video footage, Fxunt video footage and of course hands on terribine torture. in evenings It was a simpler time. It was a simpler time. That was a video that Michel Hesseltim brought out wasnt it the H hands on time? Yeah withith Michael Hessseltim He was trying to improve his relationship with the public, wasn't he? He was trying to yeah appear more of uncular. That's right. And that's what the whole Western helicopter thing was about, wasn't it? It brought him down because he wanted to buy the helelicopter, didnn't he for his videos where he couldd keep them for a cow or a helicopter ono another helicopter What c But it it's a different time, but obviously we're not saying we should go back to those times. Sorry, I should say, play the Westland affair single Tay the Westlland helicopter ofair jingle In nineteen eighty six, a dramatic political crisis unfolded around the survival of Westland helicopters. Britain's last independent helicopter manufacturer which faced financial collapse. The cabinet split into two warring factions. Defense Secretary Michael Hesseltine championed a European led rescue consortium. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and Trade and industry Secretary Leon Britton favored a US led takeover by Skorssky aircraft This was the Westland Affair By the way, play the jingle Topic repeat, topopic repeat I think we've done I think we have done I think we've done circuses. No we haven't. I've drawn us as fucking circus people, mate After all, that's how I remember it's through the illustration angle this will be the first, wouldn't it hang on. I've seem to remember drawing Mica as an elephant Ben as a circles master. and me as A am bear or something being led r God, you're right. I so Sorry. It wasn't even that long ago. It was in january twenty twenty four was only a bit years ago we did an episode about the circus. Yeah. wasas that from Charlotte again as well? It was it from Charlotte again, was it God, let me check U no, it Stephen from Ireland But He must feel worse than everyone else involved, surely. I think it's his fault in a way. It feels like I think it was it was before its's time. It was two circus. Is it the circus or circus is I mean What is there a loo? I'm looking for loophole? Y're really You're really scrabbling around in the dark. So this week it's the circus.. And then back in january twenty twenty four it was circus Oh o. Well, what is the difference let us say Okay' all over This feels like a rubicon's been crossed, doesn't it? It really feels like To be fair, I've known the whole time I I didn't speak up because I am Loki. I dance in the shadows, I am the elphaite Playful Are you Charlotte? Did you go on the cover? am. Reintroduce I think it's okay. What was the big deal It's fine. It's the circus. Mam. So I should I shouldn't have brought it up I don' know, I think it's good be b it up. I think this is a moment of crisis. It is a moment of cris, isn't it? It's a moment of deep soul searching I mean, we've done quite a lot of topics, to be fair Have you covered everything on Earth? I think we might have done. E come back around to circus. So we're on second edition, are we Yeah, we're on second edition. The Encyclopedia B Tannka. Yeah Edition two. Or the reboot. Yeah You know, like, they do Spideerman over and over again. No That's true. That's true. withith diminishing returns I still think it's a fairly healthy franchise, Ben. Isn't it Singy Holland. Tom Holland,'s doing, right? He's doing all right He's just married someone else famous recently. The hottest gooss So yeah, what's the difference between circus? And I think the only way to pull this aroundound is we have to distinguish between circus. it was circus before and the circus. Yeah. So it feels like circus is like a kind of genre Yeah, could encompass someone in a middlelife crisis going to a circus skills course on a Saturday afternoon to meet for, for example. Yeah sort of thing that Ben might sign himself up to any day now Paullback and Ben was doing the Diabolo wouldouldn't surprise me after it throughout the recording. It's been diaboloing. Can I not surprise you and tell you that I was a Diabolo teenager? How many did you get in the end? Any tricky cr couldould you just manage to sort of dangle it on the string? I could do it and I could truck it in the air, I could catchure it do thedd little trick but okay. I was spin around three hundred and sixty yeah. Yeahahah, I could pull it off But not while Diabo? No. It's very much one or the other and not near a road. But as a teenager, Ben proudly was able to do a three hundred and sixty turn, weren't you? Those days are over, sadly And it was then has to turn round like a night in chess now that remo Get yourself around It wasn't Flamin Dablu. No But you would put like a hot sauce on it when you' were hot or hot meat rub Yeah, or a bit of deep heat on the back of your wrists de heat So I So Diablo, that was the string one. So I did that, I dabbled in Diablo. I damled t Nice And he also did Devil sticks. What was that? was there there's one stick between two sticks. I holding two sticks and there's one stick between them? wasas that thing? No, It was a thing I made up. It was something I did myself. I'd rub some of myone fecal matter on someone's pepper army while I weret looking So I would just take a dump in a normal stool sample container and I'd go out and about on one of my sessions. shut down an MS cafe. Like that sticks. That was my u That was my sort of secret cod name that I'd write in pen on a piece of paper and leave it The feakly compromised papon sex. undernderlined Mike, have you got any circus skills I mean, I'm taking the neick of the diabo, but I definitely I got involved in the juggling scene. sureure. I see. Okay, M too. Suds, rings, Cubs. Clubs. Clubs Clubs is really hard because it has to come down. was it an orange or mint or selection? Good lovely stuff. Really good stuff. Yeah But never never blades or flames and never over a chasm Never over a chasm. N over a chasm, never on a high wire On the back of the elephant and the elephant itself is on top of a big ball. It's they're very hard to get those big balls. Yeah. You've got to be so bloody committed So once you master doing on an elephant to then what will take years to then go right? it's now time to get the elephant on the ball. So many people at that point just go I'm going back to your accountancy, whatever. And at some point you must have the thought, Wh, why Yeah And it's not a transferable skill. I've put fifteen years into this. It's completely non transferable. So I've just got to lean in I've trained to be a travel agent instead my parents. Travel agents will never go out of business ever Recently there was a circus near me that was on for quite a couple of weeks it was on in a car park next to the liddle where I go Okay, so I was about to ask how traditional we sounding with sound? it might have quite a traditional one. So yeah. So B some teenagers setting fire to a supermarket trolley. That's not a fl. because if you paid fifty quid to watch that, you were cmed What if they're doing on top of an elephant, which itself is teetering on a big ball? Yeah.ut the end of a loo role on the end of a beachon freezing tos you it's an elephant.. It's not a circus. It was in a big tent Okay and sawdust I didn't go in, so I don't know, but was there a ringmaster? That's what I want to know. Ben, you're not one of those people who stands outside a circus trying to listen to the fun. Yeah isost this isn't costing me a penny. something scary just happened. fically getting the full experience. yeah. So I probably go to little twice a week and u Each time I would listen to the circus and try and get a sense of what was going on in there And each time it was loud, loud engines. and I think that o, a big part of it was motorcycles going inside a ball likeike a cage going right? There's a lot of like Is it our chaos They're quite a famous circus. who I've seen Oh that's the whole thing. Well, the whole thing is motor stuff, is it? Like monster trucks and driving around a circle around a sort of big bowl. Yeah, so ourKS it was all in I think it was in the ninetyies where it started, it was styled after The kind of Mad Max kind of aesthetic something They like salvaged technology, lots of diesel and smoke and engines and punky haircuts. Punky haircuts. Yeah it was very robot wars H that veryer robot wars It's a kind of scene that Bonjo would fit quite well into As Dctor Chance. With the night's ringmaster. he's welcome. Dr. Chance Chance. He's rolled the dice. It's a three. The night's over. sorry, you've all. Please head quietly to wheres. Little is still open until ten. We just pay for your barking on the way out That's the chance you take when you play the high sticks game with Dror Jance C you to emails? Yes, please We've got a version of the email Jingle sent in by Andrew. Thank you, Andrew. Hi Beans. Ever since I hit the email jingle some time ago, I was struck by the fact that the interval between the first two notes is a perfect fourth Exactly the same as the noise I traditionally associate with Microsoft Outlooks new email notification Thus we laid the seeds to what is hopefully an acceptable email jingle W was it u Brianino that wrote like the noise that Yeah was it Briy ored the apppple Now was it I think the Microsoft loog in Music. Doember that kind of gling? yees, sling oring C But it's It's like osers sometimes yeah gets to write a one and a half second piece of music. Yes. There has to be has to be sort of densely full of emotional triggers and cues somehow. they do sort of W work somehow, don't they Obviously somebody had to compose Auto gllasster player? Aut Autlasser And that was Brahms. That was not Yeah. Auto glass repair, Auto glves replace Also the other famous one is the email sending, which sounds like a plane goes Yeah, the Woos thing I once had quite an important wrriting job I was doing. And I won't say what it was for, but it was for a larger than life celebrity UK figure. I wonder who this is It was Mike Wnak. I was. I was doing some writing for Mike Wnack. What I'm going to say is, I don't think artisanship, I don't think anyone would guess who this is No But anyway, so I's doing some writing for this person on the slly they didn't know I was doing it for That's called graffiti and into that on someone's car some people call graffiti. I see it as freelance writing work. And essentially, I was in a situation which sometimes happens in life where I was Boarding a flight to the Middle East. Because the first person you're writing for was Basha Al Assad. And he wanted to freshen up his annual address to the nation. I was boarding a flight to the Middle East to do basically this years and years ago, I was doing some gigs in Bahrain. Is that morally bad? Probably is, is it? I D don't. It depes what they were up to at the time, I suppose, really Yeah I've t some kigs in Brain. they weren't like mega well paid or anything. It was just like kigs in Barrain. It wasn't like Lve Glf It wasn't the equivalent of live Glf Okay I don't what live golf is So sports washing type of thing. Yeah R Anyway There's some gigs you could do in Bahrain for a weekend, Ied. I had to send this last trangee of work to this UK figure And I was behind schedule with it. I was just about to get on the plane. Now I didn't know if you maybe you couldn't send emails from planes when this happened was one of things I was practically walking on the little gang waving under the blade and I pressed send and it went It snd. And I And one of the situationations is we you have to send something, then get on a plane for eight hours. So like I just had to then arrive in Bahrain and hope that email had sent, essent Yeah I'd heard the sound. Anyway, it hadn't sent on. And the s was just a plane t. I think the sound was a was a ple. for me throw It shows context is crucial for those. just you wondered why that email was That sound had been going on for aboutort thirty five seconds. eleven They've got really realistic with the latest Microsoft Send sound So Andrew has gone down the same route. Yes, and I believe he's kind of used some of the I mean, I think this might be a bit of a copyright problem, but he's used someome of the sounds that you might recognize from your computer at home to comm. OkayK, well as long as we're not taking on any really big company that can afford endless litigation I'm bit worried about this anyway let's play this When you said to new man We must go Tvel as fast as the power. Good morning, postmaster, Anthing for me Some oldit When you s sress since bs G Give me your horse. My beautiful horse. I feel like I've got a glimpse of what the world is going to be like in thirty five years time when our species have been completely extinguished. Yes So that'll be playing on stage with the Barbican and and then you look at the audience is just loading those laptops. three thousand laptops in each seat. And then they clap by opening and closing. Yeah The future Only one human has survived, who's that in the corner? It's Andre Loyd Weber.s Andrewloyd Weber. Who did Bloody filter? It's a Cyberronic Android Weber. Csybertronic Androloyid Weber Thank you, Andrew. That was great. Yeah that was amazing. Also so I was looking through the jingles bit of my email account. because that was sent in almost a year ago. There's some col oning. And there wass another one that came in that I worry we won't have a place to play because it's a version of the Bue Bell jingle O obviously Blue Bell is slowly passed on But I listened to it and it's so good that it seems Unfortunate that we might not it So I think we should just play it in the memory of Blue Bell. Yeah, exactly. yeah Blue B was my erstwhile cat. A great and beautiful creature, she. Great and beautiful cat, she was Im say the fourth be Some would say the fourth BM But obviously Pam is also fourth beam,' hard to say I mean it my some say she's a second banish So we won't say at which other beans expense. So this is from Ryan Mon Ryine Ryan writes, It's been made in a sixteen bit funk style Oh this is encouraging. Oh, that was absolutely brilliant. That was down downam good. That was really good. I was picturing a sort of Nintendo style Buebell game where she's moving from left to right, jumping on moths. Yes I wanted to see that. I wanted to see wantort of commemorated in that way. Soort boss levels of a really, really, really, really, really big moth. Yeah Yeah. Yeah, absolutely huge moth Good luck. Thank you, Ran. Anyway, let's read some emails.ase. This is an email from Sah. Hello, Sah Hello beans, I'm writing in as someone who got their karate black belt as a teen in the late two thousands. Bimy Is that right? two thousands It's possible. It is physically humanly possible for someone to have been a teen in the two thousands, yes But I think what I'm saying is does late two thousands mean like two thousand ninety seven are not yet. Should I late Ns late autiesate y. They Naughtis Yeah. Yeah, Naughtis is what I meant. Yeah. The trouble with Nauis is that means you have to be making a sort of joke every time you Yeah, it's a bit mk, isn't it? Yeah, It's sort of enforced joke turned for centuries. Yeah Well I've heard people say oughts, but what does that mean? I think they're trying to avoid the naught bit, aren't they? Yeahah? It feels like something we haven't really resolved as a culture. I think we just had to grit our teeth and get past it. But actually it's more of a problem now than it was then because we weren't talking about the Naughties then much. No because we were we were just we were We were R. Cameron was at number ten and we were alive. more alive than ever. Was he? No. But he was in my heart. I think Barackam was at number ten b number. Who was in number ten? Blair and Brown Yeah Oh. Both of them, those brown years. How the brown is Yeah Tgget So Sephherites I'm writing in someone who got their karate black belelt as a teen in the late nauies and also help teach very young children agge five to seven for a couple of years I thought it would be prudent for a public safety perspective to chime in. This is to be talked about in martial arts. and say that you are all broadly right about the usefulness of such things in a fight Ben's philosophy of running away is actually the safe choice if you have the option Real fights are nothing like the sparring you ever did in class or at competitions And treating them as such will most likely get you very hurt. That's why we've been working on cower Kido, haven't we? which the art of cowering You can put me in almost you can put me in pretty much an empty room and I can cower into the corner in such a way that the only way through to me is through my ass. it's up to you whether you're prepared to do that And you also deploy a decoy life sizeed cardboard cut out with Steven Seal in the opposite corner of the room, don't you to to sort of, you know, ye to distract. And that's right Yeah and hope that they they Engage with that give you a precious few seconds. Exactly. and that's part of the sacred art of Kawaita.. and also The Stehven Sigart has a small has a miniure miniis displayer attached to the back of his face that plays lines from his top films M such as Eescape from the big ship and escape from the big plane And the lines are all the same are. We better get off this big vehicle. They don't change the lines because he doesn't want to relen any new lines. No, so if you actually watch all these films, we've all the same script, haven't they?re all the script just in different situations. So we've gott to get on the big vehicle initially F first of all,'s initially Thank you for welcome me onto the big vehicle. I trust it willll be a fairly uneventful trip, isn't it That's one of his first sles don me And the other one is, can you please stop holding that gun up against my daughter's head? And this frankly cramped an awkward situation. Yes, Camped despite us being on a really big vehicle. Yeah. Yeah that was a mistake by the writers, but what he's recorded it now isn't I think they can do something to be that. So offten you'll say that cramped lun be like an aircraft hangar orough be ye O a helipad. Normally you're so swept up in the action, you people don't notice. That's hope Yeah I think something's up on this big vehicle. Yeah S register, we've got to get off this big vehicle. Yeah Oh than goodness, we got off that big vehicle. And then there's a funny line you does it at the end, isn't there? which is Don't put me down for another trip on your next big vehicle for a couple of days. Do he It's a bit of fun at end. Yeah. It's that light touch, isn't it?al. It' the light touch. The main thing s are so rewatchable. You may watch them and you always get exactly the same thing that's why they're safe they're really safe for a we watch. So suufffer saying you'll most likely get hurt if you try involved in the fight. This is particularly true because of the overc confidence issue that Mike mentionsed So the idea that some people would St bit of training, get too confident in the get here. A little bit of knowledge is more dangerous than a lot or not a lot older knowledge sometimeses And yeah, and unless dangerous than a r his back with a nail through it which your opponent may have They write I'm not saying they'd be shit But things are very different in those smoke filled back alleys That's another of the art of cowering, you see, because I know I can't I've got no real violent power of my own, but I can do things like I can relax my skeleton too the point where if you punish me, I just bend backwards like a piece of stringy cheese Yeah And you can pumel me all you like and require only eighteen months of surgical procedures and rehabilitation as well as and then followed by a three year military style cizio That's swimming pool physiotherapy. Okay, well that's useful Yeah, because obviously I'm sure quite a lot of our listeners probably feel quite taste and probably probably finished listening to an episode of that It want nothing more than just a Dueson get stuck in a ruck somewhere, right Yeah Think or twice Well, you don't get as old and pretty as us without avoiding a few pub brawls I sometimes actually something that you do if you're master of Karing, I'll show show my lack of scars to people So perfect smooth skin. This baby soft this smooth shoulder here. I got that. I got that all hallo crumbed. I mean, if you're just getting this on audio, we just got a little bit of o the shoulder dropped and then we've got the slope of a neck. There's nothing like it So I got this smooth shoulder here when I made a run for it and dashed ono a number ten bus when I saw because had this bad feeling. Just had a bad feeling about some Some lads that I thought were looking about seventy to eight percent likely. Yeah Or go into a shop. That's the other classic. Go into the shop, try and exit through the back until someone stops you say, what on earth are you doing? This is a private area for staff only But if films haveau me anything, it's that you can run freely through a hotel kitchen. Yes. That's true. Yes. And also you can do things like you can then you can push over like sort of pans of boiling and stuff in your wake. the person chasing you, they'll go through the fats, which will get nice andly crisp and you can shove them into an oven well they'll get more slow cooked Yeah And they come out of that and then you can parl the garnish,n't it? B than aroundound the headedward parcele garnish. And then by the time they've chased you out the other end of the hotel, they're actually ready to serve. I mean you might want to rest them for five minutes. Another great meal on this big vehicle. He a ferry man. itally Pat Patreon. com Four slash three beet salad Thankk you to everyone who' sign up our Patreon. Yes, Thank you. It's a place to go for bonus episodes, loads of content, headads up in advance about various tickets for live events that we might dwn mass or solo, whatever it may be, all that kind of stuff. Yes. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier You get a shout out from Mike In the Sewn Bean Lounge which where Mike was last night? I certainly was. It was, wasn't it? It was quite tough going, wasn't it last night in the Bean Lounge Becauseuse it was finally It was agreed that to sort through the The Shan Bean Lounge spice rack, wasn't it Correct. Thank you. And really needed sourcing, didn't it? It Certainly did. Thank you, Henry. And here's my report. It was finally agreed to sort through the Shan Bean Lounge sppice rack last night because it really needed sorting. Not least because the Cardamen subset section had been sequested by Lolland Jones, Rowan Wilson, Helen Steele, and Henry Shepardd to store undeveloped camera film featuring compromising pictures of people who aren't currently public figures but maybe one day and who could usefully be blackmailed down the line. Similarly, the Tamarind column had been commandeered by Natalie O'Hara, Zeus's Mum, and Dereena Wade for drying out counterfeit two hundred pound notes, and the Marjoram Nook had been appropriated by Tiger Pollock, Duncan Lumsden, and Ella French to house starlings with bad reputations. Ading to the spice rack woes were Richard Presley, Carary Barker, and Merculus Kafka, who had emptied the rack in its entirety and used it as scaffolding for some plastering work on the one hundred seventy five foot statue of the actor Jeremy Irons at his birthplace on the Isle of White And who, on returning the rack, had put the pepper back where the dill should be, mixed up the cinnamon with the onion powder, and where there ought to have been a fistfulull of five spice, shoved in Dave McCabe, Stuart Moffett, Piers Connors Kennedy, Taylor, and Meghgan, all of whom soon found themselves being integral to Catraabbit, bang bang chicken. The sortth through itself began with a mass emptying by Grumpy ape, Ellie, and Raza, with a combination of hosing, tipping, strong magnets and scavenging mustardids. It then needed to be decided how the rack was to be restacked. Sam Marshall and Robert Stock lobbied for alphabetical, Anna and KF lobbied for stacking by historical importance, Mark Butcher and Hodge lobbied for frequency of use, starting from a central heavy circulation hotspot, with lesser used spices placed further and further away on a series of notional spirals. But Chris Elloway, Nat Taylor, and Dan Fenson won the argument, however, with their scheme of destroying the rack utterly, spices and all, and replacing it with a squeezy bottle of shwn beans condiment of choice Henderson's Ren Thanks, all Okay, let's finish off with a version of the theme tune sent in by one of you. This is from Stu and John Thank you. AKA, the Welton shipwreck As part time musicians and full time listeners, we humbly submit to you a scar punk version of your theme song It turns out that it's quite hard to make something coherent from a jumble of half asked, badly executed riffs that all come in slightly different volumes and tempos and compete with each other for attention. But do keep going with a podcast, you'll figure it out Really good. Your bandes in the post there will only be one so you'll have to sh, I'm afraid, but I'm sure we'll work that out. And also they won't even be one But that had all the grim ineffability of the plotline of a Stehven Sagal film, didn't it? We knew exactly what was happening, but we sat through it We did Hi everybody. Bye