Numbers Radio Stations

Hello everyone, and welcome to Three Bean Salad, the show where three crazy guys talk about a topic sent in by one of you, you, you, the listener. Well. Literally something could happen. Not anything. It is a podcast so there are limits in the medium. But something could happen. I've got an issue. I've just realized But I've forgotten to put my bins out. Oh I don't think the the the van's been round yet. Really? You've got you got you're a late round do you? Okay. It's very much a crack of the m crack of dawn job. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or is it like if you if you got on your Your neighbors are gonna see just just in what state you go to bed at night. Because you're you're racing. There is no time. And they show no mercy as well. And you think you know so what I've got 'cause I live in a concierge apartment building. In the pulsating heart of the greatest cultural hub on earth. Play the jingle. Solo Battersea Old South Streatham Vauxhall Tuffnall Park Barnet. Technically. Madam Two Swords. The set of houses. Zone 5 gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia. Next stop, urban enlightenment. Hang on a second. Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber? No, it can't be. Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber. I know. There is no rubbish. Well then what we have is we have a It says series of shoots. Is it series of Heath Robinson esque shoots. It's not it's not quite the New York shoots experience. Um Oh, they have lived in buildings that have had that. Where you you go out into the hallway, you open a metal drawer. You put it to a stinking stinking tube. Yes. Yeah. To a stinking tube who it's who's who it's no one's responsibility to clean. That the tube itself doesn't fall in under anyone's safely. Yeah. But the the the the the tube is so stinking. It's like I think I'm this I'm picturing this in a sort of New York sort of apartment building but basically People living there are living sort of clean Immaculate sort of you know, they're drinking martinis. Yeah. They don't cook. They don't cook. So this is like Upper West Side or something, isn't it? Upper West Side or some other meaningless collection of words that we don't know what they mean by damn good. Exactly then, yeah. Maybe between fifth and nineteenth. Over easy, yeah Exact yeah, exactly then. Just something that we have no idea what it means like that. Madison and denim. That is an indigenous. Or maybe on the lower east side, which also sounds sort of quite cool as well, or the upper west side or the mid east side. Yeah. But one yeah, one of those addresses that just sounds cool 'cause it's in America. The sound of tinkling jazz is never not is never not not not there. Yeah. It's there. Well, everything's jazz in New York. Everything's jazz in New York. Um and everyone's next door neighbor is Nora Efron somehow. Yes. But you've got this clean immaculate life. You've got very you've got A nice wardrobe of exactly the same shirt loads of time. Mixing up with Batman now. There's a crossover. There's a crossover. But instead of a Kevlar helmet, it's it's it's a mink coat, isn't it? That's right. And a huge lay with a bat seamed car. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Encased in a palace of magic ice. That's right. And you have to somehow combine having quite a successful sort of job during the day and solving crime at night while working as a medical examiner. But no one ever talks about how you catch up on your sleep. That never comes up. No. What is a Batman's job? Does he have a job in the day? Well he's a he's a rich playboy. He's a rich playboy. Yeah, he's he's he's Yeah. He's a business owner. But n and by night he solves crimes that are exclusively taking place in alleys. Yes. Quite l low level violence against the person type crimes. Yeah. Yeah. It's not stuff that really punches through to help society. It's not white collar stuff. 'Cause if it was white collar crime he'd his business would fall to pieces. If he went after the lawyers and the accountants, he'd be in real trouble. So it it's very much people who've probably had a life in care, had difficult to start in life. He's not changing the culture around violence. No absolutely not. I think that would be he'd have to be reimagined. I think really actually to bring him up to date, he ought to be called something like Man Bat Solution. And he's actually a sort of government guango. Well he might he might be an app on your phone that clean that sort of cleans your internet industry. Solutions. That's the leading cause of violence in society today is people people's iPhone being too full up. Oh my goddammit Um and also the yeah, and the CEO of Manbat Solutions will be invited onto that diary of the CEO podcast one day. And Tell us W what is your story? How did you come up with Man Bat Solutions? And I say, Oh she knows it's an interesting story, actually. My parents were murdered in an alley by someone whose phone was just too full. He wasn't able to download new photos. Kill both my parents in an alley. He was also a bat. Why is it that Superman Mm. Oh. Why does he need that job? 'Cause I suppose ostensibly it's so that he's got his finger on the pulse, but he also has X ray vision and can hear literally everything that's going on at all times. He's got radar ears. Yeah. Doesn't he? And so now's are we finally unpicking Superman as actually not being that realistic and well thought through. It might just be for the socials. Probably quite a good social scene. Yeah. I guess he he meets the love of his life through the job, so Can I say another little observation about Superman. When he's Clark Kent, all he does is put on a pair of specs and people don't superman moly. Oh my God. Shut the mic drop exit stage left. Also he's got X ray vision, but Just see through people. What does he use it for? Well g gently irradiating his colleagues, I suppose. They didn't even know it's happening. He probably would be I mean he's at risk of getting a sort of like class action lawsuit against him, isn't he? Yeah, because he should be handing out what are they called? Like a lead aprons. Like a lead apron sort of information pamphlet to consent. Consent to people to be gently irradiated. So when he's looking through Doctor Pro Doctor Octopus's sort of um vault to to Yeah the solution to the crime. Should he actually be asking Doctor Octopus to put on a metal apron while he stands outside? He's had to look through Doctor Octopus's many uh his eight bollocks, hasn't he? They're getting a dose. Hang on a minute, maybe the reason he's got eight bollocks in the first place is because Superman's been looking through him. So maybe that is how it works. So maybe the fact that suit the suit generally except that it's a bollock of dose. But that's why eventually doc Um people that work as as radiologists have to wear clothes with a lot of pom poms on, don't they? So that you don't know what not pom poms. They're festively decorated bollocks. Please don't mention them. But maybe that's why Superman is surrounded by so many multi limbed villains in the first place, 'cause he's irradiating people with his eyes by looking through their clothes let's face it to see their test. That's what you would do. But I think you're getting mixed up between the villains from Batman and the villains from Superman, 'cause the villains from Superman are humans, aren't they? What Dr Octopus made him up? Doctor Octopus isn't he the guy that design the pump producer. Now I'm getting mixed up. Isn't there a Doctor Octopus? Yeah, but he's from Spider Man. Oh, come on. In Superman the baddy's basically just Jeff Bezos, isn't it? It's like he's like a sort of is it Lex Luther who's a kind of alien baddie as well, doesn't he? Doesn't he get he'll get the old like uh sort of um Zoltor. Yeah, sort of the late seventies sort of disco band coming in. That's true. You know, in sort of spar sequined onesies. Looking sexy as hell. And caught in trouble. But I'm fairly sure Dr. Octopus is is the Spider Man universe. Yeah, and I think you're right, you're right. So Superman yeah, he's a he's a journalist. Clark Kent. Falls in love with Lewis Lane. Batman is a is a playboy. Spider Man is a kid? At school or something? No, we don't know, Peter Parker, he's a photographer. Yeah, and he's a yeah, he's a uh he's a ch child, he's an adolescent. How much offer? This th I mean this is gonna be there are gonna be people listening who are just like, I can't believe we're covering this. I mean also a across the podcast of us, three middle aged men talking about superheroes is very well catered for, I would I would imagine. But not normally this poorly. Not normally with this many holes. Normally they're across the basics. We really don't know the territory, do we? No. But all I'll say is I did get into Batman massively. In fact it's something we talked about in the first ever episode of this podcast. Yes, but this so this so this I really got into Batman. Yes, but yes I am, yes. Sorry, sorry, sorry, you weren't patronise me. Can I say I'm like a dog that's been patronised so much in its life about Batman. As soon as someone mentions Batman I start tensing up. Because I think gonna patronise me. I'm gonna have to make the point that actually a lot of graphic novels are quite serious now and adults can read them. And in France adults comics as well. Especially very, very erotic ones. Not expecting to find a point on it. You kinda picked a superhero that you thought suited you. I just thought Batman Dark Brooding Urban. Urban. Very much an urban superior. You don't really get rural ones, do you? Pig boy. We've lost our swell. Oh no, he's Pig Boy's brought it back. Pig boy's drinking it now though. Pig boy, stop it. Dresses as a pig, but he doesn't have the powers of a pig. He can eat anything, but he doesn't have a pig. He's got the digestive tract of the pig. He doesn't mind getting a bit grumpy. What we're gonna do with these old all these old scrap carcasses. I know, pig boy. Project a picture of a pig on to a pig onto a bigger pig. He can suckle eight sidekicks at the same time. It's pig boy I mean I think we're all superhero is actually quite a good idea. Given that we're sort of we're really superhero diet, I think. Like people are quite bored of all of the superhero. I would say there's all there's like a billion films about them all. Yeah. There's not really any new ones. Yeah, I think a rural superhero 'cause also the urban rural divide has has be plagued this nation, hasn't it? Mm-hmm. Yeah. None of these superheroes are dealing with people dumping toxic waste into our rivers. Or fly tipping. Well Captain do you remember Captain Plummet? Yeah. What did he do? He was an ecological superhero. Okay. I wonder if it sounds a bit worthy, where it's like I've got a feeling that the the pig boy it's more of a sort of farm based, it's foxes I guess his enemy would be a f would be Doctor Octofox. Yeah. Okay, so the femme fatalin is is is the hottest chicken in town. Yes. Mrs. McClukskey Mrs Hello No one no one tell Mr McClutsky McClucky who turns out to be Dr. Fox after all. Oh yes. A chicken that pretends to be a pig at night. Chicken that pretends to be a pig pretending to be eight foxes stuck together. At night. At night. So what's pig boy's job? When he's not being a pig boy. Why we need to be clear on is he a pig or a boy? Pig boy's pig boy is his nom de g I think it's probably a boy, isn't he? With with pig pig like attract. Okay, yeah. So he can't look up, right? You can't look up. So all the crimes need to be at ground level. That's crucial. Or below. Or but or below, yes. Subterranean crime. Someone burying a fridge that they don't want to pay to get rid of. Maybe it starts with Pig boy's in his bedroom. His mum comes in and goes I don't know what his name is. Rodney. Yeah. Rodney, this room's like an absolute pig sty. He looks at the camera. Does it, Mum? Does it? We're off. We're off. He transforms. The adventures of Pig Boy. And this he's the first pig that can look up. And that's his superpower. Fifty years ago, in the government lab, deep within Nevada, they tried to see if a pig could look up with a titanium neck. The government shut down the program, but one pig remains. Pig boy After World War II, the secret government agency realized that the future of Britain lay in if we could engineer a piglet could look up and and check for bombers. And Britain rule the waves. The Lab system was founded, but was a disaster. And Coventry was laid to waste. My bins are still my my bins still been taken out. Why don't you deal with your bins? Deal with your bins. I think I'm not gonna bother I'm just gonna I'm not gonna put my bins out this week. Are you mad? 'Cause I have to separate my recycling into the little bags that the counts have given me. It's gonna take ages. Can't be bothered. Can I say We've hit Superman for not being realistic. Let's do another one. Bins. It's a bit confusing, isn't it? Which bin to put it in. About bloody time. To be fair though, I do have s a special bag of stuff that I don't know where to put it or and I never will. And I I It'll be for future generations to work out. Things like springs. Springs. Who's to annoy springs on a regular basis? You're writing to the council complaining about the fact they're not making it clear where you put your springs. Why haven't they provided a specific bin for springs? Springwing. Springwing. How did we get on to talking about superheroes? What were we talking about? Well, we were talking about Bins and the and and the the tube in New York apartments. Oh yeah. That goes down to the bin zone. What what happens is you get this weird thing which is Your life feels clean and ordered. But there's this bin shoot. And you open this door. Into as we were saying, the most filthy Grotesque. Yeah. Or sort of tunnel. W what do you call it? So well. Tube. A filth tube. Grotty, disgusting filth tube. So the building becomes a metaphor for y for your own body. For your own digestive track talk, play the ruddy gentle, mate. Digestive tract talk. Oh yeah. But what happens is whenever you open that that little metal door into that duct, you just you gaze into this horrific world of ancient filth and you have this sec this this thoughts through your head, even if it's for a tiny fraction of a second, which is Imagine if I was in that chip. You close it and you're back to Rory Stewart, Tony Tony Soprano. Tony the Tiger. Let's get back to eating nibbles and talking about jazz. And you're back into your New York life. But in the background in the back there's that just that secondary opening. Imagine if I was in there. I've had that thought when I've opened those things. Imagine if imagine how bad it would be to be in that tube and you know that the dinner party's going badly if you end up going in there. The good news is you'll probably find some other people who Escaping other dinner parties in other parts of the building. They're probably just they're probably exactly your kind of people. It's actually a really nice way to connect. Exactly. And you'd be like, Sally, you know what? Yeah, we're Grottu friends. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. So on the plus side, can I say, Henry, welcome on the plus side, welcome to this new social circle. I know you you got your head your head rammed into my into my high heels now because we're obviously che we're in a cheebular formation. But um Roger, who's two people down has died. And that's what's headed, 'cause we can't get out of the jube. So on the one hand, it's a nice new social circle we've discovered. On the other hand, we're gonna die in a sort of filthy um metaphor for our for our own anuses. We need someone to chuck a chuck out a microwave or something heavy, otherwise we're not gonna get dislodged. But so rarely. Yeah. You'll always find me in the Grop Tube at parties. It's the second base place after the kitchen, if you ask me. The Grop Tube. Okay, let's turn on the bean machine. Yeah. Uh This week's topic sent in by Josh. Thank you, Josh. Thank you, Josh. In Deep South Texas. Oh wow. Blibe. Is vitamins. Mm. You Josh. I've started taking vitamins recently because there was one vitamin that my doctor said I had a blood test, my doctor said, Oh, maybe you need to start taking that one. Yeah. But I went to Tesco and they had All of the vitamins. Yeah. So I found the one that I needed to do to do. And then I was like, Oh, there's loads of these. And I just randomly picked some based on vibes. Yeah. And now that's my vitamin routine. Okay, nice. Nice. And is it is it helping? Of course not. I mean They're not real, are they? They're not real. This is what I'm here to say. Vitamins aren't real. Are you now able to leap over a five bar fence? Shall I go get my vitamin bag and we can go through my vitamin bag. Yeah, by all means. Okay. Um okay, I've just I went down to my kitchen to get it. When I was in my kitchen, I was reminded of something I did yesterday, which I want to recommend to the listeners. Okay. Which is to heavily parmesan your beans on toast. Oh yes, nice. But most things most things are improved by adding sheet after sheet. Of Parmazon. It was incredible. It elevated my beans on toast lunch from like Oh, what's in the cupboard to like I'm in a piazza. I'm in a piazza in Italy. And I've I brought my own beans on toast. That would have been quite a difficult. You've had to keep it hot since Luton Airport somehow. And you've learned just enough of You've learned just enough Italian to say to the waiter, please, um no, I won't be ordering any of the actual food. I just want the free parmesan on the side. Also bring the uh the the big long pepper grinder as well that'd be fine. And the big long pepper grinder, mainly for Insta. I'll just I'll I'll just have a look at it, I'll I'll check the year, I'll taste it, maybe I'll send it back. Who knows? Yeah. But I like to see it, please. The massive one. But I think it's changed my beans on toast life because beans on toast is a bit of a staple for me, probably once a week. Is it? Maybe twice a week. Is it really? Wow, okay. Why is that surprising, Mike? I think because you're quite handy in the kitchen. You do some quite ambitious projects. But not lunchtime. I know, but it just makes me assume that every single meal there's there's sort of you you've con constructed a spit somewhere in the back garden. There's an animal that most people wouldn't be able to identify, extraordinary sources going on. I'm motissering a shutlin pony in the garden. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's a d deep sea fishers also. Do you know what I mean? It's something Yeah. And you retisser that that it's slow retissery, isn't it? You retisser it so slowly that it's alive throughout the present in fact it lives out its entire life, doesn't it? From It's very frowned upon. It's very frowned upon. But it's from mini pony to uh Maxi Horse. Isn't it, which is that's the full spectrum of a horse's life, isn't it? Henry, are you buying into the fallacy that a Shetland Pony is simply a baby shy horse? And all horses are somewhere in that on that spectrum and they die massive and old. What I'm saying is I I see the truth as it is, not as the mainstream media tells me. Do your research Do your own research, Ben. Stop trusting these ruddy scientists in a vertical in these institutional inverter commas universities inverter commas. Yeah? And start trusting your own mouse and your own gut feeling about things. Does a horse look like a bigger pony? Yes. What things look like things that are smaller than them initially? Because all dogs are born a chihuahua and die a great dame. That's how it works, isn't it? Exactly. If they get Pauly at some point, they might be an alpaca. Don't worry about it too much. And when they go through their Alsatian phase, they generally work for the police. That's that's the working life. That's the public service part of the dog's life. Some of them and rare if you are lucky enough to star in the film Beto, but Turn Hooch and other similar films from the eighteenth and nineties featuring dogs. So beans on toast. What so yeah, Palms and course what you're adding there is of course the um Oh my. That's the flavour. I I like Palms then so much, Ben. I'm going to raise you one. I am one of those people that always have to outdo someone in an anecdote. Sorry, I just am. Okay. I eat Parmesan raw and I have done for ages. Just by itself. I just I just sliced bits of Parmesan. Off. And he said. Mic drop moment. Follow that. Pay the jingle because moving on to another top because I've won that topic. Oh, we can win the topic. Do you just see everything that's in the kitchen? You've always done that. I do do weird things in the kitchen. Lids. If the lid says best before January twenty twenty seven, I'll I'll eat it as I'd eat it before then. Um it's true. I have eat I I've eaten raw pasta in the past. I used to sometimes eat raw pasta with a With a sort of oblong of palms then shoved into it. Crunched down onto a cheesy in it. Yeah, I T do weird things in the kitchen. I would say that Parmesanic Parmesaning your beans on toast. It makes the beans seem like some kind of like High end Venetian bean casserole leave. Yeah. Parmesan does that though. It's kind of magic dust, isn't it? Yeah. It's a more filling dish. But I'm gonna start Parmesaning everything, I think. I think Parmesan is a deeply complex and sort of No, that's an age, it's got deep clump complex flavours. Mm. And it's kind of it is elevating the dish. And can smell of sick. And yet. It can smell of sick. Yeah. It's delicious. And yet Course when I'm heaving upsick into a toilet bowl, all I'm really experiencing is U Mami Just the other way around from usual Deep Purgative umami Enamu. Enamel. It's umami the other way around. That's uh umami hitting enamel is enamel. Yeah. And as I try and explain to the I've try to explain this to many Uber drivers, I haven't soiled your car. I've added an umami flavor to your back seat. Just wait for those five star reviews to start coming in, mate. Yeah, Palms it's deep complex flavour, isn't it, Palms and it's a proper it's not like a cheddar. So a cheddar is a good cheese. Yeah. Parmesan is it's aged, isn't it? It's an aged cheese. And it's ancient Italian wisdom and there's just so much in it. No, there's so much going into your fit enriching it. Hot tomato we mean. hot tomato we bean. I was also thinking like maybe I'll be 'cause the the the best Parmesan in my life is the uh little like top tier palms. But I'm thinking that I want to go above I wanna go above supermarket level. I want to like find some High end stuff. You won't find you want to find something that's been kept in an Italian cave. Has to have been a cave for four hundred and fifty years. Guarded by a monk who's never died in all that time. He'd just been slow cooking a horse all that time. The trees itself encased in just just just thick, thick crust of like rock hard fungus. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I think it's time to go on a Parmesan journey. There will be deep, rich Parmesans. That will blow your mind. How can there be like hallucinogenic palm as I naturally occurring? Yeah, naturally carrying one. But in terms of vitamins, I mean I I mean I think we could what vitamins would would Ben be getting from a beans on toast with parmesan? Not a lot. Really? Oh really? And it it might get so it it depends on the bean ma it may be that the bean manufacturer has decided to deploy some Put some vitamin into their beans. I mean I do know what I mean? I don't know. I've always been always been on the fence as to whether beans baked beans are healthy or not. 'Cause it kinda s 'cause eating beans feels healthy, but baked beans Yeah, 'cause it's sort of pro ca it goes a process normally it's full of sort of processed glute. It's full of sugar and salt. Very sugary, yeah. They're very healthy for you. They're very They're the basic building block of health that you can have a class having It means is It's particularly healthy. Well yeah, beans beans are good. But I don't know if these beans have got any nutritional value left 'cause they've just would have been stored somewhere for eighteen years in vinegar. And to anything naturally occurring in them is is long dead. You know? Well they've Yeah one of those things there's one of those things where they've become abstracted from the natural universe, haven't they? Yeah they might as well they're still call the bean, but they don't they wouldn't be recognised by another if another bean bumped into it in the street, it wouldn't recognize it as a bean. If you introduced a baked bean to a normal bean in the street, Mike. Yeah. You would I w I would I'd start worrying about you. I'd probably I'd probably have a special phone call with Ben. Mike has started introducing pulses to each other. He started referring to himself as Papa Lagoon. My own bean band going. Crisps. So deal with crisps. Really healthy. I thought they were I just wanted to double check. Thanks, mate. Oh Anyway, so my doctor told me I needed to start taking Uh vitamin B twelve tablets. Okay. So I I went to Tesco. Yeah. I was at the I was at the vitamin section find the ones I was meant to have and then it's like there's a whole world of these things. So I randomly picked some and that's what I'm taking. Okay. Nice. That feels a bit odd to me because it feels like you might you end up you might end up with like incredible, incredibly like healthy palms on your hand or something. You know, you're you'll end up with randomly really soup super evolved bits of your body. Do you know what I mean? 'Cause you're just randomly helping certain parts of yourself. Have you seen Ben Nealy? Yeah, he's looking great. Really, really long thumbs though. Have you noticed his thumbs have got a lot longer. You might start. I also went for Randomly 'cause it said the word general well being on it. I thought that sounds good. A picture of Tess Daly on the front. Always helps. Uh vitamin D. Nice. Okay. So D D is the one that that comes from the sun, is it? Yeah. The sun and apricots, yes. The sun and apricots make sense in that. Apricot is basically a tiny sun. Yeah. Yeah. That's the one that we all need. I I do a little war. every morning to get vitamin D onto my face and body 'cause I read or heard somewhere once that that was a good idea. Uh to get vitamin D into your system. And also to tell your It's funny is that we we acquire these little bits of health knowledge that some stick and some don't. Oh, so that's why you're late every time you record three days. You're trying to get that those rays of sun through the thick smug carapace of London. Exactly. If that sun can get through that stuff, it's earned get landing on my bumps. Also it tells your body That it's daytime and you're awake. And that's what helps you sleep. I heard. That's why I do that. Next one. Less sure why I went for this one. It says pregnancy. Folic acid. It's not going to happen, Ben. Helps to support maternal tissue growth during pregnancy. There we go. So stop taking that. Yeah, I did notice the long thumbs, but to be honest, I was more focused on the fact that he's pregnant. That was what really that was what really struck me. I know you're not practicing Doctor Mike, but no alarm bells so far. Those things are both fine. I'm not gonna No. Okay. No, and the folate and your B twelve they they often go hand in hand? High strength vitamin B. You see, I feel like I mean I'm glad you're doing this, but I'm sure it's for the for the for the best. But I feel like you're sort of dealing with things that are beyond your can. Dangerous. Do you know what I mean? It's quite hard to overdose on vitamin thirdly. Like some of them just Piss out. Being so immune to scurvy his body couldn't take it anymore. Your body needs to be a bit scurvaceous. It has to be slightly scovaceous at the time Yeah. So you you can there are you can overdose ones, is it? I mean please please for the love of God don't take anything anyone's saying on this podcast as actual health. No. For the love of God. Yeah. And Ben just snip that just snip that on the idea. D None of it. I'm sure that on the one hand These vitamins are good for you and it's a good thing. On the other hand, I'm gonna use the word dabbling, then. I think your dabbling In things that uh too powerful and too dangerous for you to understand. Although to be fair, they're on sale in Tesco, it's probably not that big a deal. I don't know. But I think a dabble is okay, 'cause I often a dabble is Often in a dabble is linked to other things, you see. It's a bit like you dabbling in a stroll. Do you know what I mean? Ben's so Ben's not taking a whole tin of folate every day. He's probably taking the recommended amount. The fact that he's dampling in this Vismond thing probably he's probably dabbling in some other health stuff at the same time. There's probably other stuff going on. No, this is actually disincentivising me from doing other health stuff because I'm like I've got vitamins now, so I don't need to do any exercise. Okay, okay. You can't you canceled your gym membership. You burnt all your trainers to the ground. Why would I need to? I'm taking a small amount of folate every day. You've moved all the stuff onto the ground floor of your house until you can't have to go up the stairs anymore. 'Cause you've got the faux lights. And you've put a vending machine full of crisps. Yeah. You've asked you you've started talks, haven't you, with your local butcher? for you to organise for him to make the bl the world's longest ever pepper army. And the idea is he'll be feed he'll feed 'cause you're not gonna move anymore. He's gonna feed it through your letterbox. Yeah, isn't it? It'll go into your sitting room. You'll be sat there on a lazy boy style chair. And and you'll just eat the eat the pepperami and he'll just feed a bit more through it. So it's you'll be streaming pepperami. You'll pay him a monthly amount. Henry. Because of copyright we w we can't call a pepperami, 'cause that's a trademark. We'd have to call it a pork bumhole snack. And the button's apprentice knows just when there's resistance just to pause 'cause you may be sleeping or something like that. Yeah. We're shoveling some crisps. But he'll show otherwise keep it going. And also he can he can keep uh he can keep making it. And again, we don't want to give away the secret to how they actually make pepperami because of course that is copyright protected. What we'll just say is he'll be he'll be putting he'll be putting uses into a blender. Yeah. And then can and then sticking them together with his own spit. Yeah. And it'll be shaping the pepper army. Not pepper army. Pork bum whole based snack. It's a seafood stick of the crab stick um world, isn't it? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's it's the air schnitzel of the land eagle, isn't it? Do you remember those heady days when we used to be able to call crabsticks pr crab sticks? No, they have to be called seafood sticks now. 'Cause there's no crab in them. 'Cause there's just not enough crab in them. Called him a crab. In the same way that Cadbury's chocolate can't call itself chocolate or something? Has to be called brown congealed sugar and fake milk snack. The game is space confectionery. Uh, next on the lineup? Yep. An old favourite. It's iron. Lovely stuff. Uh final daily pill. It's ultra zinc. What what's what's the ultra thing? With copper. But on earth. Okay, what's going on here? I think I bought this one because the box had a a sort of a really vital looking gentleman on it playing tennis. Was it Andre Gassi? Are these out of date? It was Boris Becker and the photo was taken, it was him in prison. Looking absolutely fabulous. Is he scraping off bits of his prison bars and selling them? It's just a loophole where by he'll sell them. He'll eventually the prison bars won't be they'll be able to escape and I'll have a successful business to inherit. So there we go. That's my routine. I I yeah, I don't expect it to do anything. I mean I I've had a constant bone in it for two weeks, but Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I don't know if that's the bad thing to do. But that's because it's the spring, isn't it, then? Anyway, so that doesn't constitute advice. I'm pretty sure I'm just pissing it all back out again. Uh But we do need vitamins, but maybe occasionally eat an apple, banana. Have a kiwi when you can. Mix it up, guys. But I'm allergic to Kiwis, so I have to supplement with a bag of pills. My mind is going Two Quite a few years ago at the Edinburgh Festival. Okay. Not famously a vitamin replete time of life, is it? Really. It really, really is You really put the body through its paces at that point. You really do. How long can it You might as well be in the out of karma. I in in dietary terms. Wha wh what's a company that makes vitamins? What's the one with Test Daily on it? That's well woman, is it? Well man. I can't remember who the well man person is. I think it's David Gandhi, is it? Is it okay, fine, that makes it makes sense. Yeah. It's not any of us. It tends not to be a comedian. I think there's um there's a theory that the entire Edinburgh Festival is actually secretly funded by the Well Man slash Well Woman Corporation as as an as a live human experiment. Control test. Yeah. Yes, I remember so during the festival once I I developed this habit which was I would just Buy a bag of Run the beans, say. Boil them. And eat them. Yeah. As a purely medicinal boil out any nutrients they might have. Absolutely. Destroy any of the vitamins that might have been in there. You'll just take the rubbish thanks. I'd set it off the board in the morning and then I'd go and see shows. Maybe two shows in the morning. Maybe see some sketch coming in the afternoon. And you nearly forget all about the runa beans until another fingernail falls off and you're like, I think I'm gonna go and eat those runner beans. I'd stumble home absolutely rat asset before I am. Um heave into the kitchen sink and of course that favour of U Mami would get me thinking about food. And I've looked at the hob and there would be a sort of light green soup. A very fine light green soup. Stringy soup. Stringy soup. Um and I'd sieve off the strings. Um And tip the green water down the toilet. And that year you won the Spirit of the Fringe Award, didn't you? I did, yeah. And I also won the the Edinburgh Festival's most confusing turn. Which is hotly competing over there. Subplot. Mm-hm Steeming is bullshit. No. Disagree. Disagree. It is drawn. Absolutely. I get very, very, very, very angry about it. Breathe, Henry. Breathe. From a vitamin perspective, it's much better, isn't it? I think a quick boil you boil it for two minutes and take it out. It's still identity. Steaming is just steam it for two minutes. But steaming you have to involve it. Redented. Double dente. I just think you have to involve a save or a steam do you actually use a steamer? Like a separate No we did have one I don't know where that's gone. Now it'll just be like there's a little sort of flat flat based colander on top of on top of a pan and a lid. It was a l once it led to something else. Uh for for me it's a hassle in a fact. If you just dunk it in boiling water for like no time at all, it comes out all denty and crispy and fine, then you just sift it and you're getting on with your life. Do you know what I do? I put like a tiny bit of water in the bottom of a pan. Yeah. Then fill it up with baked beans, then cover that in parmesan cheese. Grind in some folate tablets. And hello. And then pour it over that roasted horse. Skin's growing back. And then you while some people are always working on their novel, what that th that project that you're always working on is eating that infinite pepper army. I'm gonna get home and work on the infinite pepperami that I mean. Stop saying pepper army. Pogs anus adjacent. We can't actually call them pigs anymore. It's anus adjacent. Um anyway I was saying what I do is I fill the pan with a bit of water. I then put the veg in. So the bottom centimeter of veg is boiled, but the rest is steamed. Do you know what I mean? That's kind of cool. I'm u I'm up for that I I think that's good. I like that. Yeah. I think v yeah, I'm all for light quick boiling anyway. That's just my my personal opinion. You can't lightly boil you just boy have the boil. Boil is boil. You can briefly boil. Yeah. You can lightly boil. Yeah, I agree. Well, because you think boiling is a certain temperature. Yes. So anyway, so I divide this thing, this medicinal veg thing, which is look, we're having I've invited to be around for dinner, we're having a nice steak, or having a nice steak or or a steak. Um I don't have a lot of dishes, but And and I'll explain to them the fact is Veg is good for you. The effort that would go you know, if you're if you're cooking a meal for someone else, whatever, or nice meal. The effort that goes into making every bit of it nice, like what I'm gonna do something with the veg or fricus, or look up a sort of Moroccan way of doing it. You know what I mean? Like Let's just have a nice wonderful host. Just the most wonderful It's a philosophy with with Henry. Really. Posting is one of the things that makes us all human. It's one of the things we share is the desire to get someone the fuck out of your house because you're regret getting them around. Eat your greens. Eat your greens. Fuck off. I'm not making this up. I'm not making this up. I've genuinely had this thing of having to explain to people that I'm entertaining for. I I I and I somewhere tell my inventor this in Edinburgh, it's just a way of getting veg in your system. But d did they ever say to you, Henry? It is possible to cook these vegetables in such a way that they are nice to eat. Yeah. And it's the same in the end, 'cause they're still inside you, but they've been something. Do you know? Yeah. Come on, just the basics. Well no but but the thing is, here's the thing, I've come up with a solution. And If you thought the end of the sixth cents was good. Then you're about to get a whole new paradigm because the solution I've come up with Is a heat up some butter. And I open up a can of a certain kind of small fish fillet, and I put that fish fillet into the hot butter And it absorbs, then it dissolves, and it turns into a brown sauce. Let's peek on and taste it, and a little bit of marmith, and I pour that over the green beans. And that sauce is called hand chovy button! Pacadonia Pacadon Buttonia Anchovy Butter is the approved Snacker Pacadonia Oh. It's the end of the podcast, guys. We've done it. How are we going to fill our time now? You got us, you bastard. I got you I always get you in the end. Oh Christ. Let's read your emails. Please, please. Can you send an email? Must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, Postmaster. Anything for me? Just some of the shit. When you send an email. This represents progress. Sweet horse. Beautiful horse. If you'd like to email us send it to freebean saladpod at gmail dot com. Let's start off with this from Mark. Hello Beans. I just wanted to share the good news that Three Bean Salad gained two new listeners yesterday. Oh great. Unfortunately, however, those two listeners were both call handlers from the Thames Valley Area Emergency Services. I had been listening to March's extra beans and during a talk about emergency services, my smartwatch clearly thought I was in distress and called one one two without me realizing. Oh wow. Yeah, what's one one two? Maybe that's a sort of just sort of slightly lower maybe it's like yeah, NHS directs and citizens' advice or something like that. I've no idea. Help is available. Are you looking it up? It's the same as nine nine nine. Yeah, maybe it's like but they've Oh, where's Mark calling from? Well, he said it's the Thames Valley area. However His email address is dot se. That means he's Swedish or Something? It's it's Sweden. So maybe he's Swedish. Anyway, he it's it's it's it's his story's beginning to fall apart a bit, isn't it? Do you not think? Mark Is he some sort of AI bot? I guess. Well maybe Mark. Maybe Mark was in the Thames Valley, but maybe his Maybe a smartwatch has called an emergency service in In Sweden somewhere. Maybe. Is it one one two in Sweden? Let's have a look. I've looked at a one one two is the emergency number in Sweden. Okay. So I wonder why it's one one two. Is that because it's is that somehow quicker and easier on the There must be some thought behind it. I think nine nine nine's quite easy for a child to do by mistake. Oh or bump or butt dial or whatever. If you just keep pressing one button, whereas Moment too, you'd have to think about a bit more. So I think one and two is better, probably, isn't it? So you're less likely to butt dial it. Okay. So we think he's in the Thames Valley area but and then he's got through to Swedish Upsella emergency services coordinator. This is the beginning of a s a great scandy drama. Life in Sweden is so good. It'd be Hello, welcome to emergency services. Is there a problem which is the sauna that you have is slightly not the right temperature, even though you're in prison? It'd be that kind of thing, wouldn't it? Because their lives are so good there. Oh, it's the problem that the train was too on time. It was too on time. I'm interested in this action you you've bumped for. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Well sorry, Mark. Thank you. And just to combine your problems, Alexa, buy twenty five cars. Got ya. Ouch. So I reckon it's one one two. Yeah, as you said, Ben, it's to stop you butt dialing the emergency services. That's not what I said. I said children, but yes. What the fuck is this podcast is. Stupid fucking jokes. Sorry, cut that out. I should I should don't cut it out. Or do. See, in the way one one two in a way sort of implied that it might be adjacent to butt dialing as an issue. Yes. Thanks mate. Thanks. I owe you one for that, by the way. But what if your problem is you're that your what if your emergency is that your butt has become sentient and is starting to call people? Oh that's the mind. Something's happened to Henry since he's snuck down to be butter past us. Yeah. It's got cocky, isn't it? Uh this is an email from Christian from Cambridge. Hello, Christian. Dear Beans, this is this is just a quick email to note Henry's apparent obsession with Mike getting battered with hammers at gigs. Not only did he bring this topic up in the latest episode about moving house, but he also talks about it in an older episode about railways. In which he suggested that Mike sells hammers as merch so the audiences could budge him to death at the end of the game. Well thank you, Christian. Yes, but uh you got you gotta remember that you know back in the day, you know, when when we all first got to know we we we would g gig together frequently. So Henry's seen a lot of that happening up and down the country. It's first time. It's first and and you when once you've seen it, it does stay so it worms its way into your memory. Yeah. But to be fair to to the emailer, it may suggest that on an unconscious level something slightly sinister is happening with Mike and the way Mike behaves. For me to constantly reach for that, um For that fantasy. For that comedic fantasy. So yeah. Maybe maybe something maybe Mike, you should have a good look at yourself. In the mirror. Okay. Okay. Good advice. And also in the mental mirror. Oh. Food for thought. Thank you. Thank you, Christian. So well noticed as well. I've had a couple of emails about uh rolling your Rars. Okay. This is from Quillem. Willem uh uses the subject heading. Trill seekers. I like it. Very nice. Bonjour Beans, you're doing three different rolled R sounds in L'Avre. Mm. Uh Ben was bang on when he said that he does it at the front of his mouth and Mike does it at the back. Here is a phonetic explanation. Okay. Henry is doing what the actual French do. Yes. Yes This is the last thing he needs, Gwillam today. I'm becoming I'm changing my next phase. Power. I am become power. And become henrami. Mixture of a flavor and a person and a piganus. And a pig xynus. Fly around in a pig xynus. Henry's doing what the actual French do, which is a voiceless uvula fricative. The uvula is the dangly bit at the back of your mouth. Fricative means push a bit of air past this bit of your mouth. So Henry is pushing the back of his tongue against his alveola. What's that? His uvula. My nipples. You'd see that if I was doing that. I reckon there'll be a typo there, yeah. I don't know. And making the R sound like that. So that's what you're doing. You're pushing the back of your tongue against your uvula. Can I say I'm worried that this will be like my mum with driving, which was my mum was a very good driver when she drove. But you say uvula. Uvula. If if you said anything about the driving process. Like, um oh if you just said the word clutch for example, she'd forget how to drive. Yeah because she'd be thinking about it consciously. She had no idea what the clutch was or the gas they were anything. But if you just didn't talk about it, she was brilliant at driving. And I I don't wanna be able to lose I don't if I'm stuck to thinking about the uvula and the pallet and stuff, I might lose my power to say love Oh no, it's gone. I've lost my power. Ben is doing a voiced Alvular trill. Which is what they do in Spanish and perhaps unsurprisingly eat Welsh. The Alveol Ridge. Is the kind of hard cliff behind your upper front teeth. But it's where you push a bit more air past the spit of your mouth. So much that it kind of vibrates. So Ben is putting the front of his tongue against the bit behind the back of his teeth. pushing more air through so his tongue vibrates against that ridge. Up front. Mike is achieving his sexy panthenoise by doing a voiced uvula trill. That's the location that Henry's using with the force of airflow that Ben's using. So he's vibrating his uvula against the back of his tongue. I think there's some strategic use of spits there as well, to be honest. I'm sure Gwillem the Erstwald linguist. I feel same Gillem. Hurt. So w let's just do a quick test. Which of these works best? If it's a a nineteen seventy six con we play three bar flies. You know, a a a sexy lady call Sally walks in. So so I'll do the setup line, then we all do the noise. See which works best. So So we're just we' uh hang on, we're just we're objectifying a woman who's just she's just coming to try and relax and we're We're just making it feel really self conscious and sort of intimidating on a on a sexual level. It's the nineteen seventies, Mike. Henry, I might have a better way for us to frame this that shifts the blame to an emailer called Emir. Great. Hey beans. Mike's uncanny R rolling abilities have finally been unearthed. Two things immediately struck me. The fact that Mike could be the first Englishman to pronounce my Welsh name correctly, as there is an emphasis on the R in my name. Secondly, Mike should be able to do the growl in the Roy Orbison classic Pretty Woman. Ah, here we go. This is it. Exactly. If just for my entertainment only, could Mike perform both acts for me, please? So let's start with you saying Emir. Amir? Yeah, that's the Welsh way. What's the Mike way? I mean uh You go. But can we set up the the moment in the Orbison song? Yeah, okay. Pretty woman. Pretty woman. I don't believe you. You're not the truth. Let's try with Ben's one. No no no no no. Hr it is quite españolo, isn't it? Yeah, feels fiesta, fiesta. And then it's Henry Ding doing doing doing doing. Really, really dry. Pompus. French guy sitting in a tobacco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. High college. It's more like the noise that it sort of an old urinal might make as you're walking out of the toilet. It's not my toy, it's not my problem. It's time the Ferry Man. Make sure. Patreon. Patreon.com Four slash be sad. Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon. Thank you very much. Uh what episode is this? Episode Seven. Okay. So we're almost on a month off. If you sign up at a Patreon, we'll keep the episodes coming through the month off. Also there's a monthly bonus episode. There's other bits. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier You get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. You better believe it. Where Mike was last night. You you got a special affidavit from the police, hadn't you? Mm-hmm. And it was like an amnesty where you were allowed, if you wanted to Beat up a lighthouse keeper. Thank you, Benjamin. And here's my report. There was an amnesty for those who wanted to beat up a lighthouse keeper last night at the Shongbean Lounge, a shameful urge that is thought to affect up to 12% of the population worldwide, according to Annie Get Yugun, although the true number can never be known, according to Lorraine Hanna. First up to admit to the taboo were Dolly Holly, John Ringwood, Brian Moravsky, Elise Seat Mooney, and Alex Twohands Hawk. All of whom had been hiding punch bags dressed as lighthouse keepers in their attics for years and never told a soul. They were hypnotized by Sean Bean and now fixate upon walloping fly tipped sofas. Sarah Gopscheid, Dunk Anderson, Adam Bamford, James Beninati, and Mussia Beef had all gone so far as to monitor lighthouse keepers with drones and draw up. Plans for real-world attacks with sharpened seagulls. All were instructed by Sean Bean to jog on the spot for an uncomfortably long time, while receiving a volley of salty trash talk from Janine Ralakis and Rina Ledgway, and were declared cured. Jess Goodall, Joe Turner, Lisa Murray, Jacob Madeline Walker, Greg Sawyer, and Matt Forbes all described lighthouse keeper threatening fantasies that were beyond the pale, and so had their amnesty privileges withdrawn and were cast into the Bean Lounge's deepest oubliette, in which they unexpectedly found the skeletons of Ed Acherley Symes, John Spray, and Matt. At the other end of the spectrum, Jennifer Corpus, Lupo Nor Dungord, Connor Firmstone, Katie Bonett, Rebecca Pay, Jack S., and Willie Realgood admitted they had no desire to beat up a lighthouse keeper, but did have intrusive thoughts about inconvenienc one, their concern being these might be gateway musings. that would lead to a full blown lighthouse keeper Licky Boom Boom Down. They were sent to Pestra series of senior water company executives and felt much better. Tyler W, Becky Royal, Mark Case, Juan Martinez, Ian, and Fred J. Mack all needed a dose of stronger medicine, however. They were given VR headsets. Or more accurately, goggles with pictures of lighthouse keepers on the lenses, deposited in the Sean Bean man-size bollard suite, and told to make merry hell until they'd worked it out of their systems. Elsewhere in the griping zone, Rachel Perry, LKD, Paul Cox, George Alexander, Kate Marle. too much spaghetti, we're complaining about the absence of actual lighthouse keepers, and resisting attempts to treat or brainwash them. We're duty bound to tell you that at the time of recording these individuals remain a threat to lighthouse keepers, and indeed anyone working at the top of a tall cone or cylinder, such as steeplejacks, and whoever cleans the windscreen of a space rocket before takeoff. No lighthouse keepers were harmed during the course of this event. Thanks all. Alright, let's finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you lot. Please do consider making one. you fancy? We've had basically every genre covered, but I still feel that there's more there's more in the time. We're in the we're in the world of creating new genre. A Roy Orbison style one would be quite good. Mm. Oh yeah, that's a great idea. I once heard when I was a kid a song that was made out of someone gargling. Have you ever hear that? No, but it sounds plausible. It sounds like it's sort of whistling era, sort of maybe some sort of fifties novelty acts. I said and I remember when I had it as a kid, I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. It would be it would have been sort of four for fresh graduates from Cornell. Yeah. The most wacky act. The Gargle Brothers. The Gargoy Brothers. And of course, uh two of them died in World War Two. Yeah. Came over. Came over. One of them went on to s to f to um Make become a floss billionaire. Okay, so this is from Edwin. Edwin says, Hi Beans. I've recently been getting interested in numbers radio stations. Oh wow. Lovely stuff. What is that? They're these amazing things where there's like If you tune into a certain frequency, there'll be Some really weird code. Or series of words that sound nonsensical that just repeat and repeat and repeat. And they're they're a kind of cold war hangover um means of signalling So it might be that Let's say you've got your sleeper agent in Budapest. And deep cover and there's a number station that's always the same. And he tunes in one day. And it's now saying Picklity pock leeping pong ding dong whibity. Picklity pock deeping pong ding dong whimmily. And that means gnomes have taken over Europe. That's right. Then it's time to beat up a house keeper. That's right. It's go it's go, mission mission alpha is go. Wow. Whatever. So but they're still going somewhere. Garden Parliament. Are they still going, Mike? Yeah, yeah, there's loads that are still active. And I think it's a bit of a mystery. I think some of them are complete. are a complete mystery as to sort of w w why they're still going or who where they're being powered from more So left over from World War Two, they're still going? Cold War, I think most of the year. Cold War okay, right. Yeah. That's amazing. I think there's also a thing that some people possibly some some people might even still be using them. Because they are 'Cause it's quite analogue and it's just a bit It's not someone that someone in like you know the N S A or G C HQ is gonna is gonna find, you know, checking on the internet or something. It's just like a a little machine that you can't do much about. Firing radio waves into the ether. Edwin writes sinister, apparently purposeless broadcasts. Their meaning impenetrable. Their audience unclear. I don't mind this. I like it. It's been a while. You know what? Go harder. If anything, go harder on us. This is great. Strip up strip us down and to to think I've just been describing this and none of us saw this. It was it was an hour go, Edwin saw it. Keep going, Edward. Take it home. We deserve this punishment. I thought Numbers Radio would be a good match. Oh no. Has he has he flopped the the landing? Is that how he finished it? Oh, Edwin. Yeah, he he's he's flopped the Oh Edwin. Oh, Your b your badge isn't in the post. It's a switcher no It's a switcher no Everything was perfect but he landed upside down and did his shit. Oh, Edwin. Anyway, uh we'll play out with Edwin version of the Steam team. Thanks for sending that in, Edwin and we'll see you next week.