Writing Processes and Large Versus Small

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My name is Lauren Lapkis and I, am he who shall not be named. Oh my god I'm old Yeah, you know all me still the same old G . My name begins with a V. Wow. What a good rapper you are. You're really good at rapping. I'm really good at rapping . That is, of course , a line from a Dos Racist song. Do you think I sound like a musical robot? I kind of do . Do you know where that's from? I don't. It's from that movie about spelling bees. Akeel and the bee? No. The documentary. Oh , my friend and I had an inside joke about that for like till now. Do tell. It was not a it's not even anything. It's just that this kid was like obsessed with like B prepared or something like that BER there was something like that. So anytime we would see a thing like that, we would send it to each other. And then sure it has stuck. So now it has I just want to be clear on what you're sending back and forth. Things with Bs in them or 'cause like spelling B I guess. So I guess if it's any time a play on words like B uiet aggressive B quiet . You're sending each other B . Be quiet someone. He's as quiet as a bee. Like for example, it comes up on like a thing you put on your door. So it's like be quiet. Okay , or like a thing that like, you know, it's just this kind of random shit you find it like a weird little boutique. That's like , if you just put a side in your be quiet, it's like, hey, damn, you're the one who should be quiet in your own room. Yeah, you're right. I'm just in the hallway. Yeah. Look at a sense. I haven't seen that doc since two thousand three probably . So two thousand B Prior to today. Is it a different one? Literally . No, what was the name of it though? Was it just called spelling? I don't know, but it was really good at the time. What was the point of it is that there's all these people who enter a spelling be in there? Not people kids. Kids are people too, of course. I forgot that spell two thousand two thousand two. You were so close. I was once again. Did I see that? It sounds so familiar to me . Spellbound primarily refers to the state of being completely captivated, fascinated or m,esmerized by something. Right to the dictionary, you need to have like a little bit of awareness that you probably stand in the world of magic known as Lumbria. The story follows Princess Ellien must break the spell that has turned her parents God damn into dragon dot com only part of it, most of it is the spelling bees. Okay . Fun to see a documentary that everyone goes and do think it's a document ary and then halfway through becomes like a fictional adventure movie and everyone's like, What is going on? You know what? Speaking of which , I saw a movie called Nirvana The Band The Show wanna shoot this. I really enjoyed it. I watched it night. It was Don't tell me anything 'cause I was told me anything . I knew nothing about it, right? I've heard of Nirvana, the band The Show for a long time , but I never really, yeah, same . And I never really knew what it was, but it was I knew that people that I whose pinning I respected really enjoyed it. Who Abraham Lincoln ? Okay, I didn't want to name drop ites.? Wh Yo h Aambra Lincoln? And the both of them. Did you hear they got together? Good. Abraham Lincoln and Brahem Lincoln got together. Are they kind of siblings? That's part of the scandal. Yeah. One is Abraham Lincoln, one is a hot version of Abraham Lincoln . Would you get together with a hot version of yourself? Sure, I would , right? Abraham Lincoln is Oliver Toms. It's what I love Abraham Lincoln is a woman . Yeah, I know. Oh, you say Abraham Lincoln, I'm like, Well, who's that? That's what I consider a woman to be. I wish I was in like one of those I sort of have a reverse apartment. Anti gravity chairs right now where I was like just relaxing completely. I wish you were too. Yeah. I wish you were upside down right now. I wish you were upside down. I wish I was one of those papasan chairs that everyone loves. . I wish I was in a papa John's right now eating pizza. I wish Papa Johns would make chairs. Yep. Out of pizza. Pizza, papa. Pizza Papa Papa shape it. Papa John . Yes, of course you would. That's actually really good. We are sharks. We come here to you today . Yeah. By the way, speaking of, remember last week, I gave you that chip bag tear open thing that I had never seen before. Yes. And I don't know if this is true, but apparently you can fold pizza boxes a tri corner thing to keep all of the leftover flag of the deceased. Yes. Heard of that. That's amazing. No, you could they all have different things where folded in a certain way you can there it's triangular because you know how hard it is to stick a fat pizza box in your . Yeah, I'm always like little jamming and jamming and jamming and jamming. I saw the video I'll just trade the electric bills and talking. We're all talking. They took every slice of pizza and a full pizza and put it in the little so it wasn't even leftover as every slice. Yeah, it was crazy. Anyway, I've never had a house pizza. It had tits . Was it a B abraham pizza? Can I get one? Can I get one Babraham pizza? Can we get a large Babraham ? Oh guys. Another robot that fucking Yes, you saw there's a video of a robot dancing to Michael Jackson yesterday . I didn't click it because I didn't want to watch it right now. I'm scared. No, you gotta watch it. Okay, let me great I love robot fails. I saw a robot try to go on an airplane and do it on that. Do it on this. They sent it on southwest. This is't insan wheree. Where airplane ? Where's a robot flying? They walked him through like a passenger. And it was annoying to me. And then the guy was like, people who don't like this, don't have a sense of humor. I was like, I actually have a wonderful sense of humor and this isn't real. Who said this? This is a waste of resources. The guy who made the robot. The guy who made the robot, he thought it was funny. He thought it was so cute to see him go through the airport and then he's like, and then they had to put him through the machine with the suitcases, which was so funny. I'm like, it's not funny. It's a waste of everything. To see him go through there. I'm like, he's not him, he's it. I guess if you're making one of these dumb robots, you think that's funny. Yeah, I guess if it's dick probably is in love with it at this point is I probably I'm putting my dear friend into this thing. God I put my dick and. do Okay. All right, here we go . This is a robot dancing to wearing a t shirt . It was like gorgeous . So a little bit of a rough start Triffstack, he does the boot walk. Then they try to go upstairs and no a loser? We gotta put that on Instagram No way did you film this yourself? Yeah, I did. Yeah, what was this? Did you film it yourself? Someone helps it up and has to drag it off stage. But the reason I thought that was because I had the time in the corner like it was like your video. No , I had to I just screen record it because it was I saw in blue sky, which you're not really on. So you wouldn't be able to not only am I not really on there, I'm not on there at all. Yeah. Okay . So how about that? That was hysterical. Yeah. It's great. Thank you so much for that. Welcome. Yeah. I hate him, that little guy. I hate him. I hate him. I'm happy to see him fill. Oh my god. Why is wearing fucking huge t shirt and no pants? Why are we making robots? That's the other thing. I can't quite figure out. That's what I'm kind of worried about because they keep going like we can fall down. We need them. And then they keep going. They want they want to ingratiate them. They want to, they want to like put them in society, have them dance at public spaces. So we go like and then, suddenly it's like eating your fucking face or something. No, but even if even if it wasn't dangerous , what is even the purpose of them? I don't understand what it is. People ultimately think it's going to outsource jobs, like when you see them as like a waiter or something like that. But I'm like, who literally who people go into restaurants for service for like, you know, for a human being to come up and talk to them. It's not like you want a rope. I mean, there, yes, there are restaurants where you can order at the table from an iPad or whatever, but I mean like how would that be fun like a robot coming up to you in ? I think it's very sad thinking about the ways You dine with us by far . You do think differently . Have you ? I just don't. Which one's your favorite? What would you recommend out of these choices? I cannot eat food . Wires . Wires. Would you like to eat wires? I recommend the electricity . But like, okay, so say you make that robot that can dance . What are the chances it's gonna trip like that? It has to be seventy five percent. Why are you then going to this? Why would you put it on a stairs? Why are you giving it this show? Yeah, you're making it perform for us and you know it can't happen. You know it's gonna do it. You know that's gonna happen. No it's gonna happen and it can't do what that is the purpose. It can't do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you can't do. I mean, honestly, if they think they're being funny, then that is funny. If the purpose is to boost morale by saying, look, robots, they can't do it. That gives me joy. Yeah, that gives me joy. But you know, it's just so it's not interesting to me that I'm just not there was one a couple months like a couple months ago where it was like this robot ran this race and finished faster than a human is like yeah, I can take my car and beat everyone. Exactly. What's your fucking point? That's not a thing we need. And now that person lost because you made that? Yeah, I mean, it doesn't it's not an achievement. No, it's not helping humanity . It's probably in the way of the real runners . I would like a list of the actual things that they are practical that it could do that would be great . Like I I'm not sure what those are. I'm sure there's they have to have some reasons there's a robot that would take out put out the trash cans for me. I'd be like even that, I wanna do it. I don't know that, wouldn't you prefer a trash can that was motorized that like much like the little things that deliver you know what I mean? Other than a full working humanoid robot to go drag dragon. Now I want a humanoid robot whose one function is to take on the cancer and it is scary and it is in the house all the time. If you have that head does swivel around and follow you around the room. It then immediately like is a domino effect of nothing people. So I'm like, there is the joy of the simple joy of pulling your own trash can out. No, there's that sucks. I'm not saying it's good. I'm saying there's moments of life that are like , yes. There's things that aren't as fun every day, then there's fun things. If you lose sense of any of that, there's like no baseline for enjoyment. I do believe look, if people have limited mobility or whatever and they need to sister like a kid. That's what I was thinking of if there's positive things that it can do that would help people in that sense. Yes, but also there should be more people working on that shit anyway. Yeah. Yeah , but all I see it for is like a dance competitions and then B I see people saying like, oh soon like my robot will be able to make me dinner. Yeah, yeah. And it's like no, the idea of my robot being my kitchen. That is creepy. Can you play that video again? I don't know if they're AI, but I've seen a couple robot in the kitchen videos where the robot just fucked a dinah goes haywear. Yeah, Dina's always in them. Oh wow. What's he going to do? Anyway, robots. Get out of here. We don't want you robots. We don't want you robots . Yeah . And he's so confident . The fact he's wearing it , he's really trying to get better. And he's really trying to get his balancing his love. It looks embarrassing. Like it looks like it 's the most human thing. The robot trying to when the feet start going crazy. It's like that video of Kelsey Grammer falling into the Yes . The real robot. And that's what this boy dreaming of being translator at the United Nations . Is that what he was saying right before you? Yeah. I haven't memorized his speech. It stuck in my mind just because no you didn't. You weren't thinking about being was it a character or he was . Yeah, his solo show. I think he was introducing something at lo show. My lost dream, Spike Using Remember What is the one chore though that you hate doing the most? Cleaning the toilet or cleaning the bathroom in general as well. Cleaning the tub. Yeah. I find that hard and I think there's probably nobody who finds it easy. Should they make self cleaning tubs? Maybe they do already. I'm gonna look up self clean like a self sort of like roomba situation that can go in there . But it's not that hard like a pool cleaning rope. It's just annoying . Yeah . They do make self cleaning bathtubs that are equipped with automated sanitization and purging systems. But I don't know, it prevents mills a year that can kill you and get away with it. Yeah . Well, I'm not getting that. It'll stop. As long as you don't bathe on that one day a year, how hard is that to keep track of? Right ? It'll really hurt how it does it too because it's just all these jets that start sucking from all different sides. It's june twenty third . The day that you can't remember that june twenty third. That's the day of the purge. Yeah, the day of the purge that you said. It happens on a summer day. Did they say what the date of the purge. Look that up. Date of the purge. I've never seen any purges . I've seen two of them. Oh, it's march twenty first from seven PM to seven AM. It's only twelve hours. Some prequels and spinoffs have depicted variations occurring on or around july fourth . Oh sure . So I've never seen the purge, but so if I stayed inside, I'm good. Purge no purge. Oh, you can go in your hand. Yeah, any crime. Any crime is over . So a lot of people themselves in their houses and then sit there with guns. Yeah . Some people stand up on the roof and like try to shoot anyone approaching. And then some people go out and clown masks and go celebrate the wanton destruction of property and deaths of fellow human beings. And I guess the masks are because you might want to do shit to people you work with or something. Yeah, I think you don't want them to know it's easier. Yeah , yeah, exactly. 'Cause that would be like if you knew that your coworker like murdered your wife in front of you . It's hard to go back to work. And then you go back to work and it's like, how could you not hold that against? him Do you think if your boss was like , Hey, and you just stay late today and it's purge day. Do you think you start thinking like, does this guy just want to murder me ? I mean I would I think probably would think that or that you would think I have to murder him. It would depend on if like the boss is just like kind of a clueless guy which all bosses are very . Have you ever read Dilbert, by the way? So funny. Ask me, have I ever memorized Dilbert because the answer is yes. I used to love Dilbert Dilbert because the answer is yes. Dilbert I loved when I was in fifth grade. Sure of course. I thought it was like really fun. This tie was funny. Yeah. Dogbert, are you doing me? Yeah, loved it. But so if your boss was like, We're just in such a bind. He doesn't realize he like he's not thinking it's the purge. Right. You're like, would you bring it up like you know ? It is the purge. He's like, I know, but I know but we're so behind. Let me just talk about this. Could do you mind just staying like forty five minutes? Past seven . And I would say, okay, in my mind, I'm like, Is this a killer be killed situation where I have to kill him first , like the seven on the dot. Yeah, just like shabang. Just be away with seven hundred fifty nine or six hundred fifty nine just killing him. That's against the spirit of it. Yeah . That's against the spirit of the purge. Purge. Everyone who's been purged as ghosts . This is a good spinoff. Oh, I like it. And what do they do? They come back and they say, We didn't like that. , they're the opposite of alive people. So they're like, We have the group . You know what they do? Girchp, girchp . So what they do is they make it. There's only one day a year where they won't try to kill you . Yes. And they also go around , that's nice. They go around making other ghosts be alive . Hm m How do they do that? Like mystical speech feel like that's its own movie. You know, I was thinking the other day. I'm saying we have a franchise here. Dan Acroyd wrote Ghostbusters, right? Yeah. And I was thinking where there's a dream sequence where ghost gives them a blockchains . I was just thinking about that movie aside , which they had to include. They're like, well, let's make it a dream. And that way we get away with it. Yeah, but I was thinking about that movie and how like it's actually a very clever idea . And where you know, as we were talking about things that come about, I'm just kind of like, we don't there's that's a fun interesting. It's a very simple it's a very simple premise . The idea that people who die are still around us is yeah. So he came up with that whole thing . And then he got people that I got to bust them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But then the proton packs and the what have you. But I just think very clever creat the world. Absolutely. It is fun. Must have been fun to come up with all of that. Because I think have we already spoken about this on an episode? Scott hasn't seen let me look at our dates here but, interesting . Yeah, but no, coming out tomorrow , but yeah, every ghost movie is all about like mysticism of like, how do we get rid of these ghosts? Let's get a priest or whatever. And they were the first people to be like , Oh no, shoot it with a gun. Like an electric gun . Put it in this trash can . It is a novel thing. Yeah, it is. Absolutely. Yeah. Anyway, what's the what other movie you're thinking of? Are you not allowed to say? Well, it's coming out tomorrow, the conjuncture. We were talking about the conjuring, I just saw that for the first time last year. It was good. Yeah, yeah. Or I don't mean to give away what I thought of it. There's a lot of good stuff in it. But I have not been compelled to watch any more conjuring movies. I wanted to, and then I ran out of time. Anyway, we'll be right back. Sorry . This podcast is sponsored by Casper . Now I know what you're saying, Casper or the ghost? No , the mattress . You know, we spend a third of our lives sleeping if you're lucky. If you're like me, maybe two hours a night. But hey, you gotta get good sleep. I need better sleep, and that's why I got a Casper mattress. Kasper makes really solid, high quality mattresses designed for consistent comfortable sleep night after night after night after night after night . They're also highly rated by consumer reports and out of ninety nine mattresses , they're the one was named top rated all foam mattress of twenty twenty six . Now , you know, I mentioned that Casper is a ghost . 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He had a lot of fun watching that he loved. I knew he would love it. Good, good, good. We laughed a lot. It was really fun. I like that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom fell asleep like right away And then like left the room and then came back doing something like laundry or she's kind of like just not paying attention at all. Trying to think of . So then like later at the weekend we were, talking about , I can't remember the context. We were talking about somebody taking credit for somebody else's work . And I was like, I just saw that with somebody where this girl had written done all this paperwork and then they took her name off I go, Mom, that was the movie we were watching that you weren't paying attention to that was a great . But she got me back into ninety ninety day fiance, whiche I have taken a long break. She got you back into it because she loves it, but I am back in and too many days, I think. It's a lot of days, but there's so many days fiance . There's like fifty spinoffs, so it's hard to know which one to hit your horse to kind of. You know what? I hit your cart , whatever you want to hit or whatever. I don't really know what the concept of ninety day fiancee is. Do they married or the idea to get people People get a green card because you have ninety days for a K one visa . And so these people the initial premise is that it's people who've been dating long distance. One is now going to come to America and they're they have ninety days to get . m Andar soried it's a DOCU series following their relationship. Will they get married? Won't they? And so some people are doing it for the green card. Some people seem to really be in love. Doesn't that blow up their spot to have it on a TV show? But they just are pretending they're in, they're not you don't know no one ever says that. There's a really good episode you're inferring that as you watch because you're going like there's no way that guy loves her. Like you're just like that's crazy. It's not happening. They're not in love. There's a great episode where one of the person coming over to America is a prince in Africa and he's pretending to be like a worker at a McDonald's restaurant for a while and then his assistant starts pretending to be the prince . This is and then this is this is coming to America. What? That is the original that's the original source material. of ninety day. Now I know that but then there's ninety day the other way. That's when an American goes to the other country to another country and they happen more than ever these days. It's quite that's actually always pretty fun because it's sometimes the people are like, you know, not crazy, but sometimes they're crazy. They're like, and you're watching times the people are not. Then you're watching every once in a week. You're watching you live in this remote village and you're like, this is fascinating. Yes, yes. And then there's ninety day Fiance e Pillow Talk, which is where previous members of the show watch episodes and their bed and talk about it over it, which is actually pretty entertaining . And then there's more. There's's more now, ninet therey day single like life or something and it's people who were in a relationship on ninety but now they're single and so we're seeing who they're dating next. Yeah . There's just so many versions. Do you know what I miss is the people's couch ? What is that? Yes. That was like that. Pillow top. That was the US version of Gogglebox, which is it's different people watching TV and reacting to They did do something briefly like that on HGTV, I think with, I think Natasha Legero and watched you both watching TV. You didn't know I was watching I'd be great at that. Honestly, I think you would be great at that too. I think so. Talking about the team. I mean, that would be really fun. Why do we bring it back? It's like the cheapest thing you can make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess maybe it didn't do that well, but they did it for a while, didn't they? It feels like now with podcasts being on Netflix and stuff , we all have time for something like that. Should we pound Netflix? Yeah, we should be. We should be, but I don't know. But the man refuses to let us go. Yeah, I think the Pisspigs said they only want audio medium. Yeah. So we do not want to see you. Those are the two things they voted on . Yeah. We want to be called pisspigs and we never wanna see your ugly faces and bonds. Never post anyone. When I was backstage and bonnets at the upfronts in New York City promote my new show coming up very soon. Upfronts are advertis ers see what all the news shows. I got to go to the upfront. I had never been myself . And backstage, the person who was helping me before I went out was a pisspig. Love it. We love to hear it. How did they make themselves known to you and when? He came up to me and said, I just have to tell you. And I thought he was gonna say like your shirt's tucked into your ass or you know something like that . I just have to tell you. Your shirt's tucked into your your ass ass hole, pardon me . Your shirt's in your rectum . You don't want to go out there yet . I don't know how you did this . I don't know how I'm seeing it . But you're not wearing pants in your short tail. Just hanging out of your asshole . I believe his name was Shane. He might be listening now, and I hope I got his name. Shane . But he said, I just have to tell you I am a pisspig and wow. And then I had to explain to the people in the room with me what the pisspigs are and how guys you got us good for him. He got us good. I had the reverse situation where I went to and I did a mode village . I did my assholes tucked into my shirt . But I went to do another day on a cartoon that I've done a few episodes of Big City Greens . I've done that as well. Paul, haven't you been on that one? I've been on it. They haven't asked me back. Well, I haven't been back this year I don't think I do a great job on it, but they keep asking me back. Well, they're obviously podcast fans. Yes, I believe the creat or is a fan of ours. So anyway, I went back to do it, but the time I went last time , I walked in and the person who was helping me with my paperwork was like, I just have to say I'm a pisspig m. And so I walked in expecting it this time , thinking someone's going to say they're pisspig raters of course. No one ever said they were pisspig to me. I kind of felt a little disappointed. It's strange. It's a little weird. Everybody should be saying it more. Well, we need everyone to get comfortable with that in your mouth. You know, maybe practice in the mirror so that when the time comes, you're ready to say it. You know, my favorite scene in any movie is somebody practicing a speech in the mirror and stopping 'cause they do it really they do it really bad usually in the mirror. Have you ever seen the opposite where they do it perfectly in the mirror and then they get up there and go dug ? Yeah, I guess what the thing is when they get when they're in front of me, they're always like pleasure to meet you today. Why would never say that? Don't say that . I always have that moment of like, I'm too idiot.. I know I also like going on walks stupid. Stupid stupid . Still nice ever done that in their lives ? Especially in the mirror. Like you can do I can see you doing it like sitting on the couch or like driving to a thing, but in the mirror every once in a while if you're lucky you get where they're just like pacing around doing it. How often are you talking to the mirror period? Never. I don't think I ever have. Since seventh grade may still summon Bloody Mary. Of course. That's why I mean if you want to have sex that night . Lauren, he wasn't just talking about a serious subject. You have to come in with your filth. I'm so sorry. Yes, he was seriously speaking about bloody Mary . He talked about summoning her. My favorite pisspick encounter though still is the one I've talked about it on a preview show where I was at the dodge someone selling I forget exactly what they were selling, but like peanuts , like game sign. We bought the peanuts, leaned over and said, by the way, I'm a pisspig. It was just like, love it. You know, they're all in the wild. It's crazy how they're out there because you feel like you feel kind of anonymous doing your thing. Yeah. And then suddenly comfortable if they were in one place. Well, I would like it if they just wore shirts that said it all the time because yeah I feel like when it's revealed to me, I'm going, oh, suddenly you know everything about me. You know, it's kind of personal. Like I'm kind I of like thought I was free to be whoever I am today. Yes, you know? I didn't realize I was being observed like a science experiment. Yeah, exactly. Yeah . But we love food that aliens made. We do love our fans. And we also love aliens for making human soups. No, I do love them for that. And I hope to be in one someday. Naked. Along with a female of the species. Yeah, we 're in like a living room. Yeah, sure. But we're initially too embarrassed to have contact between us. But then a few years in, we go, what are we even waiting for? Let's just procreate. I do wonder how much crossover there is with us and one of my favorite podcasts, which I've mentioned before, nobody's listening right with Andy Rosen and Elizabeth Lane because they are very it's in the same vein. I would like, I mean, I always want to push it because I think it's so funny. And they're married and it's very different from that. No, they're married. They get married so that we have that kind of dynamic. Their dynamic is lovely. Those guys are very enjoyable . They are. Yeah. Yeah . Yep , yep. Yeah, we're not here to talk about other podcasts. We're not here to bury Scottzer either. Side note, I did listen to a little bit of Bob Mortimer's podcast. I was a guy. I did too. It was hilarious, huh? I said it's a good one. Why did you say it was hilarious when you didn't know what I said? Because I kind of guessed that's what you said, but I didn't know it wasn't true. It was hilarious, huh? It was hilarious he'.s And just so fun ny and he read some of his writing on it and it was so funny. That's the part that shouldn't be allowed in laugh out loud or what's it called? Songs? Where he gets to read off his computer. But his jokes that he wrote 'cause that's like a spoiler. Why's that? I'm talking about Paul? I do. It's a spoiler. Well, it's just like an unfair advantage. Just he's so good at it, it shouldn't be allowed. It should be like, Bob, keep your computer at home. But you know, they really did romish dirty with that Jimmy car. I did not like that. I did not like that. That was, that was dirty. Because they never did it to anybody else. It was like they just wanted to kick him off. Well, they had to get stuff moving. Those guys in season two they were good. They're all too good at yeah. I don't think that was fair. I don't think it was fair either. Yeah. They didn't use that with anybody else. Write a letter to a barrister. Well, then when he had his moment in the confessional or whatever and he said he's an asshole or something. And I was like, was that real? Like I was a little bit like how much of that was actually pissed because I think I would be kind of pissed if I got out there and pissed yeah. Let me see how I can do with this. But also none of it matters and they don't. Well, of course, it doesn't matter but you still want to win. It matters because people are seeing it happen. Here's the part that I think I would be bad at. By the way, we're talking about a show that we watched where comedians are trapped in a house with each other not allowed they are not allowed not trapped, I guess . But they do barricade the doors and it's a fire exit problem and they 're all English TV. Yes. Yeah. They are not allowed to laugh. And I think the problem is we're so used to laughing in a polite way at people, like to have to drop that must be very difficult. You know, the whole like, ah , you know, like or even smiling at people in order to be polite. But you think, do you think English people don't do that? No, I'm just saying that would be the toughest part for me. Really? I'm not saying English people over that. Can I say faster than you think? I think I would do very because I'm snarling at you right now. Because yeah, you never give me pity laughs. No, you because you only get Have you ever heard me laugh at you? You would just be immediately like you'd shut down, you know. I had an audition once with it was a sitcom that was going to star somebody who was famous from another sitcom. That show was done, they were getting their own show and I read with that person . And so before the audition , we're sitting there and we're talking and I made some little joke and this person, the star of the show, laughed at me like this And I said, Oh my God, if you're gonna fake laugh , like giving me like a put a little something into it. Yeah . Fucking stony silence. Did the reaction? Amazing. Jump apart . I like see, I like when someone is more like on your side in that story. Oh yeah. Well, of course, I don't want the rude thing I'm saying, even just to me. If I were to do like a bad fake laugh, then someone's like, Well, give me a little more next time . It's like I appreciate someone just being honest in a moment like that. And on the other side where yes, you're you're doing this all day with people, there's still no excuse not to like be fun If you don't actually think it's funny, that's fine. Yeah. Here's what you give. You give one of those. Right. You don't have to go I see what you did there. here's what I'm gonna say. And you might disagree. I think I would do very well on last one laughing. I think you would do very well. I think people like to think you wouldn't because you're a generous laugher. But when you shut it down, I can shut it down. You don't break, you don't break much in like comedy bang bang and stuff. I mean, you laugh at others. like you're not often laughing throughout, like I break a lot. I don't know how I would do it. I honestly mostly break at a thing that I've said that caught me by surprise. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll do that a bit. But other people I don't know how well I would do at making other people break, but I do you would do great at it. That's the thing is what's important to that show is casting people who genuinely like each other and find each other fun is the important part because otherwise and it's very easy to sit there going like this fuckin' idiot. Yeah . Oh , if I got to pick the people . Well, and I also guarantee you , I can guarantee a win. I also imagine what's like when people that you admire but you don't know. Yeah, you put yourself in a people who all just oh my god , I know for a fact these people do not bring me any joke. If they put in me a room with Martin Short or whatever. Right, it would just be like you lose immediately. Yeah. Because also like that when you're meeting someone like that, the joy is laughing because you're like , I'm connecting with you and like whatever. And then to be like have to not react at all . It's like, oh no they think I'm like not fun. Like you know what I mean? Like you'd want to show like in that same what you're saying with not just polite laughter but it's like part of the social . Also did you watch this documentary? Yeah, I haven't yet. It's so good . It's great. It's so good. A lot of people are afraid of it because they think it's gonna be super sad. Oh no. Which deals with a lot of the same subjects. His it's so it's actually so hopeful and so life affirming because the way he deals with grief , the way he talks about it is amazing and everyone should keep in mind. I agree and then his like summer home I was just like the amount of fun they were having all the time in these home videos it, was just so aspirational Christmas parties. Like that's my God. In life was to have parties like that. I know, even the way that even the way that we don't have the room, we don't have a piano. You know what I mean? Yeah, he would invite people to his house for Christmas part y and then they had to sing a song. And Andrea Martin was like talking about how it became this thing I'm like, now I got to have singing lessons. I had to go to the party. I had to come up with a good song. This is Casey Wilson's far. Oh , sometimes where like, you know, I've told you I arrive and she's like, Oh by the way, you're singing this song tonight and it's like oh god okay like to the point where she asked me once and said when we came out of COVID she said I really, want you to sing the song Being Alive from Company at the Party. And I said, Oh yeah, I don't really know this one . I don't know. And I said, No . And then as the party approached, I went, I think she's just gonna call me up and say, I'm doing it. And so I practiced it going like, even though I told her no, I think she's just gonna force me to do it. And yes, that's exactly what she did . And yet I went up there and weirdly I didn't really sense the connection between like COVID ending and all and being alive and everyone's like crying when they're listening to it. I'm just like, Oh shit, I'm killing here. No. I was just disappointed. I was invited to a party by a good friend and the thing was that this party Abraham Pizza . We swore we would never speak of that . She saw a say. It was the idea was it was gonna be like a sort of salon where everybody was gonna do like a little party piece . But it was such a small group of people that it becomes very self conscious. Right. You want to do a really good job. Well, yeah, 'cause this doesn't go well and there's only three other people yeah. But like these Martin Short parties a ton of people . And the vibe of it was so good, but also talking about how funny Martin Short is . There would be I talked about this on my podcast with Janie . There's all these clips, of course, of all his stuff over the years . And you would laugh. They would show like a two second clip and you would laugh. Yeah. There was a thing where it was a . I never saw this. I have no idea what it is. It must have been one of his variety shows or something . It's just a clip of waiting to see what you're gonna say him and Paul McCartney. Paul they're in like Christmas sweaters. Paul McCartney's holding a triangle. triangle and so Martin Short sings like the refrain of some Christmas standard. And then Paul McCartney hits the triangle and Martin Shore turns him and goes, What are you doing ? And Jamie and I fucking crack. No context for it. No idea. No funny. He's amazing. I must work with him someday. Oh, that would be a dream. A dream. things that I saw that I laughed at, by the way, I saw a key and peel sketch the other day that I had missed. That was made me laugh so hard Freddie Kruger would. I don't think I've seen that. Kegan is a stand up comedian and he's doing crowd work and making fun of people and he makes fun of someone for their weight then. And he skips over Jordan who has a horribly scarred face . He's like, do me. He's like, do me, do me. He's like, Oh no, I don't think so. He's like, I can take it. I can take it. And then he's like, oh, what are you? I just need to be Freddie Kruger over here and he just starts crying. And he's like, you said you could take it. I thought I could take it . The tears burn . It was big . So Kamie's guys are so hard. I could I could . Mike and I often rewatch the one where they're just listing the NFL players funny names. Yeah, yeah so funny. Yeah. Good show. All right, we need to take break We're back . Scott? Yeah. Yeah, I have some bad news . Well, I think you might already know this. Oh, it's about my tiny penis. Yeah, no, I knew. No, the good news is there's a tinier one. Fantastic. And I'm looking at it. Paul, thank you. You're welcome . Zip. It's tough to be here sometimes. Yeah. Oh, really you? Oh, really you? When you guys are showing off your small penises to each other, I don't know each other . Oh I'm sorry . Mind so big. Lauren, I don't know if you've heard about this, but you know, normally at this part in the show , we would play a voicemail from one of our listeners. Okay . Also from our website, which honestly, the famous website haglaim s eight. . Yeah. And the reason it's called hag claims eight is because Because hags claim eight typically. Yes. Well, that's there are times when hags claim different numbers there are certain mystical numbers which have meaning unaccident hags. Eight is one of the most sacred numbers. They often say eight is enough as they say. If you turn it outside, it's infinity. It's one of those mystical numbers that means a lot to certain hags who are always performing spells. Who shall remain named? Any hag that knows whose Any hag that's claimed nine died shortly thereafter. Yeah, it was scary. It's a cursed number for hags. So you can claim claiming hags. You can claim any number prior to eight. Yeah, and people just assume like, well e,ventually you're gonna get claims, hack claims two hi claims. Well, they add up. So you claim one, you claim two, you claim three that once you claim eight, that's six. You got to stop. The ceremony, the dark ceremony they do when a hag has claimed their eighth so scary but also beautiful in a way. It's fun if you can ever actually like the Northern Lights kind of how that comes out of the witch like if the Northern Lights were terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Kind of comes out of their face. It's really great. Anyway, our website that's where we leave. That's where we leave voicemails, but yeah, it's great. So your bad news is what, that the website is still going strong. I don't understand what it's bad news because it's the servers overwhelmed servers down. It's too many people are leaving voicemails. It's worse than that. What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up ? Okay . I hate to say this, but what's up? Little Richard, Shabui. Oh no . I'm trying to forget about it. Somehow he came back and he's been fucking with aglams eight dot com He's a ghost in the machine. He's in there. No . And when people leave voicemails, he's pushing them out. I'm gonna stab him. He's pushing them out where into the ocean. Back into the phone. Oh no, so people, if you've left a voicemail for us, your voicemail might be in your phone right. Yeah . And it's gonna look like it's a voicemail for you, but it's actually a voicemail from you ug about us. Richard, little Richard, I'm sorry. Come on man. And he's I don't he's we have communicated with him. Why are you doing this? How long information? What is it you need from us? He says you',ll you see'll see, , you'll see. Okay , we just have to give him that chance. So this week, we need to give him space. We do not have an actual voicemail, but I thought what we could do is we could We could pretend to have a voicemail. Yeah, that would be great. And then talk about the topic that's in there . You know , people ask us questions and they, what are your desert island disks, things like that. Sure. Okay, well let's I'm pretending to access them right now and I'm pretending to press play on this one. All right, here we go . Hey three domin boys . Hi . My name's Brenda. Hi Brenda. I'm calling from , well , I'm calling from a place I haven't been in a while. Strange. Paul, come on my job . And work at Handel's Ice Cream . Okay. Handels. And there's Handling Handel's people want ice cream . We serve really large servings . A small is really, really big. I was wondering if there was anything in your life that first of all you avoid doing. Like I don't really go to work . And secondly, that you should be small, but it's really, really big. Okay. Love you guys. She's just going I just wanted to say like three doms sorry, there's still three more minutes left on the time I'm seeing Three Dom officiated my wedding . We played an episode at the altar . Full y an hour long. We did it on double speed. So our families didn't really get it at all too long ceremony . But my husband and I have sex three of them . Oh no . Oh my gosh, there's still two and a half minutes left in this voice menu appear. Because of that , it's really messed up a part of my brain and I'm trying to get therapy that will kind of undo it. Lauren, what do you think of this? Isn't it weird? But like, I'm not talking I'm actually respecting this. Oh, okay. And I'm eating . Um , I like have to get shocked therapy anyway, um, I didn't really mean to bring that up. Yeah. I'm on my brake handles . It's a long break or at least a long portion of her break is taken up by this voice mail because there's still two minutes left. That's her she's quiet . Maybe she thinks she hung up she fell she sleeps. Oh my gosh. I wonder if we could wake her through the And so she was happening there is just she doesn't even seem to know she felt like it's been painful physically but also mentally, but what I can only talk ? I can only enjoy have you been keeping track of sex with my husband. If people are singing songs based on words that they hear other people say . Oh based on words that they hear other people say I just have like a I made a compilation your best song breakouts. Oh, okay. And that's kind of the sound. How do you know what we call them . Anyway, the compilation for she could. If you guys remember the question I asked, be sure to answer it because I really need to know. And you remember? Bye. Still a minute and a half left to go. I don't know how to hang off the phone. I'm just letting you know I don't know how to hang it up coming from the wind. I assume at some point it'll just stop. Yeah, I don't Still a minute to go. Is there a waveform? Would you like our scoop? Oh, she has a special voice she does. A weird accent at her job . And I don't I don't know that if I were working at an ice cream shop and chocolate chip and get a rocky road . The portion will be bigger than you expect. Can I get one quarter portion ? Hahaha Hey , if you get a laugh, put some mental, you know? Click . Wow. There's still thirty seconds left. She just said the word click itself extreme . Wow. I'm sure she hung up. That's I did. Yeah . She didn't even mention chips. She didn't even mention chips. The TV show? Yeah. Yeah. Pontarello, baba baba was that the theme songs were the question. She says Dan Da . Thank you. What was your name? Don Brenda . Thank you, Brenda. Don 't the question's going to I think we're Oh no. Is there anything you avoid doing and is there anything you have that should be small, but it's big yeah . Okay . Is there anything you avoid doing I mean dying dying? Well writing. Yeah, and I think same diff iculty sometimes yeah, writing's hard to do and then like if there's like I have like some a couple of things I'm trying to get going , like just that require some admin work and that's really, really hard for me. I just I'll have a burst of energy where I'll like do a bunch of stuff related to that and then I'm like, okay, I can't keep going and then it's months. I think that I've talked about this before, but one of the things that is an impediment to me getting writing done is how bad I am at typing. Could you get better at that? Could you do fiction? I could wa Whatit?. Voice to text . I was reading or I was like I would lose my you know what I mean? It's like I was watching a circle sorry I'm not You said you know what I mean and I did. I didn't know what you meant actually You got to acknowledge that. I didn't acknowledge it by interrupting you. I didn't know my mistake. I apologize . I was watching someone that we know talking talking about writing and he said that he does it 's better than typing because when you're typing, you're looking at it going, god, this sucks . He just does it into a tape recorder and does all the dialogue in it. And the dialogue makes it more fresh. I'll try that, but I would hate to listen back to myself going. And then he goes and then she goes. Yeah, and then he goes OK. I go. I know that sounds kind of humiliating. And then he goes . I saw the back. Jessica Len would do their show where they would just improve the scenes. They would come up with the idea and then they would improve the scenes and tape it and then just like write into the script for the smart improv. That works with a partner . I hold the tape recorder you mean? Yeah. Well, I do well both characters . I saw Anna Ryan Konkel, who is the creator of Penn one of the creators of Penn fifteen. She's great. She has a book that I'm excited to read, and she posted a video that was about like her writing process and stuff and she was saying she got up at four AM every day before her kid wakes up to write for like a couple hours . And I was like, that's that's a level that I aspire on some level not four AM, I don't necessarily want to do that, but like carving all that time and just committing to it is very impressive. And maybe at that hour you're just like, What the fuck awesome am I gonna do? Sit here and do this. Like heavy covid I was sorta doing that with this thing I was writing on spec where it was just like, you know what ? Kulap doesn't get up for like three hours after me sometimes. You know, like I just wake up in the middle of the night and I'm like, oh I can't get back to sleep. So why not spend this time just working on the thing instead of like fucking around for three hours and then I only have four hours to write. So I did that and it was like your mind is clear. There's no thinking there's no actions . There's nothing interesting happening on the internet and all this kind of stuff. And so it actually is very good. Kind of cool. I believe Brian Michael Bendis, doesn't he like write all night ? And then he gives his kids breakfast and then he falls asleep, I think wow. Yeah. That sounds that wild. That's crazy, but also kind of great. Sometimes I can get mad at myself for not emerging from quarantine having done something. You know, totally. But it's like, look, I was fucking depressed. I mean, yeah. That's the truth of it. I was depressed and scared. No, that's the truth of it. It was like very depressing. Like it wasn't like that you're so motivated. Yeah , you know what? I came out with my pilot that I wrote on spec and no one bought it. Right. So, you know, and there's do you like it though? I like it. Yeah, and it did, I mean, it did give me just one job offer actually recently. I declined 'cause we're going to her. You had that for you . But yeah, I mean, and I had fun doing it, and I like it. And it was a stretch for me. That was one reason I wanted to do it. I never have time to write a kind of drama. So let me write a drama while I was That's cool. It is cool. It is cool, but I totally understand like I also go like, why didn't I do more? It's like Schindler. We all feel like Oscar Schindler exactly like we 've ever seen that. The Oscar Schindler of COVID. Why didn't we do more? You've never seen Chindler Schler. Oscar Schindler of COVID . Why didn't we do more? Why didn't we do more Schindlers? So what do we think should be big that is actually small? Thank you. No, not should be big, but something that should be small but is big. I had a huge list for the other thing, but okay, go ahead. That's too bad. I guess your list What was my list thing? No, your list is huge, but it should be vice versa. I'm still now more confused than ever. What are we? What are we talking about things that are big that should be small? Yeah, that was things that you think should be small, but actually are big. Okay, got it. Yeah, you're listening. You weren't listening to her? I wasn't. You said before you were respecting her. Yeah, but I was you lied. That was a lie. You la id . What's that? I've never heard that . This must be me from last episode. Yeah. You guys , and I think if we play the tapes in sync, it would line up perfectly. . That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. So what are some of the things that should be small? You know, sometimes packaging , hold on a second . You think they're going to be small, but they're big. You guys, is that what it is? You think they're small, but then it arrives. It's going to be small. It arrives and it's like it's something that's oh my god. What? What don you't get about this? You think it's gonna be small, but then it's big. Like it's something you've seen before, but you're surprised each time you pick it up . I think it's open to interpretation. Well, then why are you saying I can't say it the way I said about it? I think a horse should be small, but it's big . There's that cleared up for you. What about miniature horses? That's not the same as a horse. That's a miniature. Okay, so you pass my chest. Elephants, Emmy's favorite animal for a while and then she then now she says elephants and pigs. I don't quite understand it. Wow . But elephants would they be as popular with kids if they weren't as big ? If they were like the size of a medium sized dog. It's like a giraffe. If giraffe had a normal nanny's neck, you'd be like, so what? Yeah. So what? A deer needs to lay down. Yeah, yeah. Look at your dumb nubs on the top of your head. But it's almost like giraffes should be considered weird because of their necks. We should be, but we've normalized it somehow. We have normalized