Pitching a sitcom and tour dates

Lemonder. I'm Husin Minhaj, and I have been lying to you. I only pretended to be a comedian so I could trick important people into coming on my podcast, Hussin Minhaj doesnn't know to ask them the tough questions that real journalists are way too afraid to ask. People like Senator Elizabeth Warren. Is America too dumb for democracy? Outrageous. Parenting expert doctor Becky How do you skip consequences without raising a hypopath? That's a good question. And astrophysicist Neil Degrras Tyson, I have never done drugs ever in my life. Okay. You musten? No. Okay. we love have you. Listen to Husle Minaj doesn't knowr from Lemenaadea Media, wherever you get your podcasts. Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the happappiness proroject, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier W with Gretchen Ruben project odast My co host and happappiness guuinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Kraft. That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier withith Gretchen Ruben from Leminada Media. S S We're already having fun. We're having fun Let'satch Lets catch the audience at home. First I wanted I actually wanted to talk about this bag because I'm eating these Terra real vegetable chips, you know, those Better man than I. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do. You can't Stans for terrible, right? St for You can't tearem open with your hands. it. I had to ca these with a key in my car because I was like, I'm fucking hungry.. Yeah you can't tearar them open. Yeah, you have to use scissors. I think that's not right. So this is like an anti plug for this. So you it looks like you stabbed it in the m You stabbed it with keys. C it cu much back But my problem with it is You're basically anti picnic if you're a chip company and you're making your bag on a I thought you were usinging me for a second. I'm glad you're anti picnic and I w wantan to confront you. You know what? I'm ant. You know what I heard about ant love picnic. No, no, no, that's a myth. Oh, we're trying to get you out of there.rups their ecosystem. You know what I heard about chip bags is let me demonstrate is that the you're not supposed to eat them like this. a corner. Like no, like vertically, you're supposed to open the bag and then eat them like a bowl. Eat them like a bowl because it's tear away easier. Psychonic. I'll look into that because team do some research right before we start We get to the b, this work so because it says This has four delicious veggies in every bag. There's something people need to know before that. Okay is that which is I pressed record. Lauren put a chip in her mouth and then with her mouth full said, What's up a tata? And I replied, Is it something you re us before recording? But it says four delicious veggies in every bag Sweet potato, heard of it. You heard of it. Parsnip? Sure. I mean, honestly. S. The picture isn't what I would say is a parsnip In fact, you never remember what a parsip it this is. I think a parsip, I think is more like a cilantro situation, like a little like a parsley. that's what I'm thinking. Oh, it's not though, but obviously. I think of it as a root vegetable. It is. a root. Then we have kettle potato, sure. Okay. And then batata. Butud isatat. Be Huna batata. Bhive Veriza and we're talking about batatas. Batata atasa is a distinct variety of the omoia batatas Sorry, the answer was on the p old A glorious late summer orange Yeah. Pardon me all the hell. Well let's just say it's good. A glorious late summer orangeata That's the color, It's orange, I guess. Oh they just go by color. Yeah. So these are all the vegetables no one gives a shoit about and they throw them into this bag. They must be like kind of rejects and so they made some chips out of it. That said, we would love a sponsorship deal with them. I love t.es, please. We willing to eat them every single day of my life. Yeah, My only complaint is the bag is hard to open. Make that a selling point though. Make it a challenge. Yeah, it's only if you really care. you take the Terra challenge? It's an elite ship bag. Yeah, you gotta w want it. It's almost like like a piece clothing. likeike you can make that arrange. You know it is You know what it is? You have to deserve.. It's like Thor's hammer. It's like Thor's hamer. Well, 'cause I was to say it's like Thor's hammer Hey, welcome to the Reedom, everyone. I' Hakuna Bata. I'm Paul. Habuna Batata. I'm Habuna myama. G G Goog Google. I'm a baby Boy, that's a future that's not far off, right? babies with podcast. Or are you guys becoming like babies where like Change your diaper Benjamin buttoning. so you change your diapers mth. me Mommy I'm busy. wait,' your diapers You're not gonna change your diapers. I'm busy I'm too busy. You have the most experience of all is because you have two kids. Yeah.ve How many diapers have you changed Upwards of I mean, definitely thousands. Definitely thousandousands.ould you say Hs of thousands? No. Would you say hundreds and thousands, which is what we call Jimmies or sprinkles. Hundreds and thousands. Yeah. Wh? The UK. They call them hundreds and thousands. huge. They call sprinkles, hundreds and thousands. Yeah. I love that. Not a great group of people That's so much better than us. I way. Like we call it Sprinkles and that's the only name we've Sprinkles is also cute. That's cute name.'s cute We're so used to it we don't really see how cute it is. Yeah, I grew up with Jimmy's, which was briefly People concerned it was racist.. And then it turns out it wasn't at all. Somebody made up a racism about it Oh, they're just called Jimm's. Okay. Yeah. U Now now my daughter who now you guys My daughter. She calls shredded cheese sprinkle cheese That's cute. It's cute, but I don't know at what point do we correct her. Because then you're getting into Parmesan territory. That's truly sprinkled cheese Yes. don't begrudgingly give me that. Well, I mean, you gotta see it different You never need to correct a kid's wrong thing because they will eventually stop saying it and then it'll be sad So you never need to stop agreed Agreed, but I just don't want her to be made fun of. She won't get made fun that. Oh, like they're fucking genius. Yeah what are they calling it? No, by the teachers Like they're not shitting in their pants. I maybe sat this kid when I lived in New York and he would always say, I want orange cheese. Orange cheese. Orange cheese. And then you were a movie star three months later? Pretty much What orange? It's a great thing to ask at a restaurant. Do you have orange Oese? It want some orange cheese. Now, did you grow up eating AP?ic? Oh, okay, yeah. There's probably a lawyer now, by the way Eough time hot. Dog the little orange cheese guy an lawsuit.an c' Oange. Did you grow up eating a particular cheese and that was the only cheese that your parents bought and like me wish that we could have different cheese? Well, I actually have an aversion to orange cheese and meaneaning cheddar cheese? Yes. I will eat it in basically like processed form. Cese it or something. I don't want it on my hamburger and I'm kind of scared of it. Is that It makes no sense. You grew up eating it? No I gre up not eating it. I grew up afraid of it. Cheddar cheese are you talking about? Yeah. Like on a cracker, you can't have it I don't want that But see, you know what's weird is that I go Hbably I'm gonna like it becausecauseuse I like all kinds of cheesices. What about with the world's finiest caviar Sure. You put a cheddar B made. I have broken all my picky eater things. L I will try anything. I still don't want to bite that. Wow. There was something about it that I'm like, what about a white cheddar? That's fine So it's just it''s literally then when he would say I want orange cheese, I was triggered Oh, so he didn't get started it. It wasn't because of him. He made it worse. No because I had to touch it and set it up for So' not even touching it. I don't want to. Wow. I would love to know where they go I'm gonna, I'm gonna Break this Yeah, I do live like this. No. I only eat orange food Okay. I why your skin is like that. I have green hair because I looky. You look likep. like. My mom only bought American cheese and I grew up K kind of hating That's like wax That's I love American cheese. It's great I have now grown such an appreciation after making like smashburgers and stuff in my house. Oh so good For having an American cheese. Why Why is Because I've actually never had it. American chei, yeah It's in the same category. You have a cheese problem, not an orange. the same category as cheddar. Why ThatO So this is where I don't understand more. hand. Wh it's American cheese No, you know, that texture, I've had like cheese, like deli slices, you know, or whatever. like, yeah. So it's a color thing though. There's a color problem that stems from my childhood that I honestly, I ate bugs in Mexico dig. I will eat anything. Dig into this, what what is it what happened to you when you were young? That' the color because you eat other orange Yeah. Yes, what's your trauma? I don't know my trauma. We need to know the trauma. Well, here's one thing that happened. Okay. There's really no reasonable. There is one thing. I have one memory. I probably even told you before just because it seems like something we could talk about. I went to this girl's house when I was in preschool. She was really rich. She had like a spiral staircase in herouse. Wha you know fancy entryway kind of thing. Okay, so it wasn't like a say It was a big curved staircase, you know, and' beautiful And her mom made those hot dogs and I bit into it and there was cheese inside.. And that's gonna be upsetting. Yeah. Well if I mean if you did not know this was going to happen. I didn't It's delicious if you know it's gonna to happen. But I didn't know. Yeah. Do you know what's funny is I remember really wanting that as a kid and I remember trying it and it's a little disappointing. Yeah now in my memory, what' I think I probably liked it enough or whatever you know, But when you see the commercial for it, it's like, Oh my go, that's the most delicious thing. Yeah geniuses. Yeah. It doesn't come out like it would in a commercial. When I think about it now though, I bet it's gross as hell. Itgust to know. Don't you remember show on dropout Let's eat it some right sharf And we did that show on dropout, Yeah we ate the like different food. One of them was inspired by those frozen kids meals. Lunchals or whatever. but it was one of them but the one that you pitched and you won the show. Okay, yeah. O that happened. Wait Yeah won the show. Yeah, I won I thought the chefs won. They did too. I won. Oarin won. Yeah. I got a big award Big trophy. Yeah. Where do you keep it in a landfill. I would have I keep all my stuff. I know you would have, but I just don't have space for that. But anyway I don't either. It's really huge. Why did' you give it back to the property department Oh good. It was mine. and then su my kn. So I did home immediately threw it in the trash. Well, it was cool for a while, you know, and then I moved on. Absolutely. that was my right. Yeah. I didn't it from your kids. A lunchable or a something don't or maybe I did. D sugg exactly what you Yeah. L well something like that. That's what they wrote for me. I don't think I wrote that. What It wasn't my head like that when I first pitched. What was it in your head like K kid's meal, like a kid's. Yeah But they called it a dunge bow. Yeah. Yeah yeah I just didn't have it in my head as it would be like a frozen meal, which was there was a specific kind that I can't remember the name of, but I feelelt likey dinner like a swans.. They were' not team up on. And it had a penguin on it And it was, but like I I didn't never really want it, you know, but you would see it and it would look enticing in some way. But when you think about it, it's like, you're supposed to throw that whole thing in the microwave or something. Like that's so disgusting. Like everything's getting like heated into the same. There's like a brownie. there's like all these things being heated it's like old brownies the same t. Swanson TV dinners where your brownie would get like way overcoooked. That was very special when I was a kid to eat like a kid's te dinner. Yeah. I remember When my parents would go out and weirdly enough, it was just me and my brother and we were far too young. but it was like, well, there's two of them, they'll take care of each other. Meanwhile, he's chasing me around with a butcher knife. Anyway S why babysat did that to me too. Oh boy Was that the orange cheese go? It was shouting kill the babysitter. Oh, interesteresting So it was my brother, which is weird. It' fascinating. There's actually a lot about that story that is interesting, but I'm not gonna get to it. Oh's first perect too personal. but they would give us the TV dinners. and I always remember being like so excited my parents were leaving. and we were using the oven and we're really young too. fucking nuts. I know. That is crazy. Well, my grandma had TV trays to eat on. and I really loved those They so there was something so cool about setting up your TV tray. We had some in the house for the longest time. I bought them the longest time. I think we twice.ays. You ate them twice. How you ate off them twice? No. You would join in on that, honestly. Well, I wanted to, but I couldn't tell what you were doing. The longest time start chat. You were just doing the harmony. You started at No, the longest time. That's the melody. That's when it get like That's like two minutes longongest For the longest time. You were doing No was The longest time that's's all That is re for the court two min the way sch to two minutes. It hasn't happened for the long. That's the where I started. Yeah, that's weird What's weird about starting a song in the middle of a song? You if you' sing, you want to be starting something right now. Something. God he start something. I know exactly what song it is. Starting something. Yeah, got it Sing any song in the middle of it, I'll tell you what. Okay, howow, this is fun. Beautiful I is due. Yes I do. Yes I do. And It was wonderful. notot beoiful. Wonder fucked it up. Oh, okay,. Wonderful. This just th know what it is. Beautiful. I miss you. You I really do? M that's wrong. What? What song is that? Did I tell you you're wonderful Adamant? Oh yes, Adamant. You don't know that song. I don't know that song. you do. I'm just not singing it right. I miss you. There's no way to singing it right. No, that wasn't right either. What what was wrong? I don't know this song. We give them notes. Play it. All right, well I'll find it on YouTube. If music be the food of love, play on Here I'll start a song. my old friends from college said if music be the food of love. Let's eat. Here. here's one. Boy, you don't mean thing? This is a great, This is one of the best songs ever. I'm like for you? No ad. Wow. That was a kind of m. You gotta monetize your It's a good oman. Oh, it's ' John Black uploaded this. Okay thanks, John. Jack Black's brother. I've never heard the song.. You listen.ill never heard him. Still not heard. I would have remembered that. Who's the lady? I think this is the remix. Who remixed a single? John Black Bagage jingy Who is singing in the b?. That's very prominent you I've never heard this song in my fucking life. Well, enjoy it,. I'm amazed, but you should be happy. I just introduced that to you. You should be thanking me right now. Well you're talking over. This was sort of the I can't win, can I? Adamat and Durandra I had very similar like comeback singles that were like acousticky songs that were not in their sort of style. They do run, do run one That was Odinary World. Din L, L heard You've never heard Duranderan Odinary worldor. Oh my God, Paul, what's going on? Are Are you sick in the house? I get blacked out. have to have heard Ordinary World. Here we go. This is the official music video. We'll see if they L Angeles. This is part of. Okay, don't we don't necessarily endorse. We don anybody. We haven't done ourready We don't endorse anybody but Spencer Prat At way down That's Marissa. Sorry, Long science today I could say that I've ever heard this. This is with the utmost confidence. Pably their Is it their biggest single? I wonder. You have heard this. If you ever had the radio on? let me skip to the course Here we go Today in orary we It's vaguely familiar ion was time in the nineties. There was like a period of time where you simply didn't ingest music. That could very well be true. Or you were only listening to what you organized. I think there was a lot there was a lot of time in the nineties where I did not have any kind of music listening device necessarily. I was not listening to the rodio Yeah. O like Yeahah, you were getting rites from people and they would listen to whatever they listened That's true. Yeah Or we'd pass the time stony silence. Yeah.. I would never talk. I was driving my mom's car the other day and I just was playing straight radio. Straight. And So like no gay songs. Sis het radio. It was sis het Rod. And I put on the Chicago station ninety seven point one the dririve, which is a classic rock station, which I listen to a lot in high school, which would have like Led Zeppelin, Fleetwood Mac, blah blah blah And Green Day was playing and I thought, well I'm fucking old, bud. Yeah. I mean That's classic rock now It was classic rock probably fifteen years ago. probablyably. Well, I wasn't really listening to things categorized in this way. And I feel like even on Spotify or Apple Music or something, if you put in classic rock, it's still going to go seventies. It's not going to put in I was nineties I was listening to to a Nana Cherry song from like eighty nine or whatever that which worn out. not notot the one N Buffalo Stance. It was from that album But I was kind of like thinking, I wonder if people listening to that now, if this is the first time you've ever heard that song and you're young If it sounds as old to you as fifties music sounded to us when we were growing up, you know, of just like, you know, rock around one, two, three o'clock. One, two three. It probably does in some way because Music has of course has evolved a lot. I heard that wor before. What I don't know if we did that one before. twenty you three o' cllock four o'clock. We never did. One two three o'clock fourclock'clock I don't know what time it is outside the keys man. t. All right, we have to take a break Picture this It's like eleven thirty at night. You're fully not supposed to be shopping and suddenly, You find the exact thing you've been looking for. You add it to your cart. You're emotionally ready to buy it. And then the website is like, please remember a password you made in twenty seventeen. 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No. I did say don't use Chat GPT to write your papers and I got cheers. I had a pause for applause A pause. Oh you just did it for claapter. I actually didn't even think about it when I was writing it, which was before this whole there were those other speeches that were getting duded and stuff. Yeah yeah. I saw another one. And then even the first one I saw, I was like I didn't even consider that an opinion I put in here could be perceived as like wrong or something. Taking a stand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I was just like kind of giving general advice, you know, as you would in a thing U But then at that point it kind of does become a statement because it's like, yeah, well, whatever. Yeah. But it went very well. I was ere you nervous? I was very nervous I woke up very nervous to the point that I was like, I don't know why I agreed to do this. Th then when I finally was there and you know in the environment, I didn't feel as nervous. and everyone was so nice and I look really small. Well they graduate at Northwestern because our classes are so big. have they look small. There were like almost eight hundred kids in the city. What looks small on this trip? You Anyho No, the graduating class you know, has to go to Northwestern because it's such a large it's like eight hundred kids Mine was like nine hundred something. But they looked so Young and cute and everyone was so sweet and I whole I mentioned my teacher in my guess teacher of mine in my speech who told me to take improv classes in the city. Is that teacher still there? And they had placed him Is that teacher the room with us right now? We had placed him in the front row and then he came up on stage and said a little few words afteras that plan For them it was, I didn't it was a surprise. It was very nice. And we all love Lauren in the wrong, Missy. He's your age, but How? How dare you? You could have told me that off, Mike U Anyway, so that was all very pleasant. And yeah, and then I went I give the advice to start babysitting and then and then be a movie star. Yeah. good. And then I went out to lunch with a couple of my friends and family came to the thing so we went to lunch. That's wonderful. So it's almost like they got to see a second graduation for you Yeah, you know what I was thinking though? Like when I remembered graduating, first of all, almost everything was gonna make me sob during the whole ceremony because they started out with the choir singing Landslide A capepplla and I was like, Oh my go. to cry because it's like wow. I'm getting old like children get older and I'm getting older too and only sings and I was like looking at them and Do you know what song I'm singing Paul? I just started in the middle of it I don't know, was it by Grover Hello everybody! Tim makes you older. That guy he needs to fucking get on antidepressants or something. Oh, Grover. Grover. He's so scared of that monster.ressed out. He has anxiety. Yeah. stressed out. It turns out it's him, it's like that. Talk to a psychiatrist. That's the least of his problem. Kind of a fight club scenario. Yeah And punching himself in the saying that and that was very sweet. And then the speeches that the kids, the students made were very sweet, they were just so moving to me, You know, It wass just like you're sitting there going like, this is such a big day for for them. graduating class of twenty six. Wow I know. I give you an honorary doctorate or anything? A high school doctorate? Yeah I got an honorary GED or something. And so when it was my turn to speak, I was actually afraid I was gonna cry because I was like it was too emotional. I think I held it together. you know, I won't be revisiting the footage But did you remind yourself that you don't know any of them and you don't give a shit of I honestly, I was gonna to make the joke like, I don't know why'm about ' because I don't know you guys, but I guess I'm crying for how fuck. I didn't twentyies were gonna to be. I didn't want to even let myself cry at all, so Um, Do you think any of them are listening to this right now You know, they could be. And I did speak to somebody who did any children come up to you and say, I'm a pisspig? No, but somebody did tell me that they listen to newcomers, which feels very adjacent Yeah that they could find it. I can see the connection, yeah I'm a through line. But anyway, it went well and I was very proud to have done it and happy that it was over. I think any speaking public speaking is so different from acting. Absolutely. It's just such a different like part of your brain. like You know, then there's that thing like when you're doing a speech I feel like I can like s like outside of myself at times. And then I'm like, get back in yourself 'causeuse that's scary. I don't wanna like Because you're used to speaking extemporaneously So when you're giving a speech of words that you wrote. Yeah, I'm also like I don't want tona be having a full other thought while I'm reading this. Yeah. I mean I told to my dad's funeral. Yeah, well, that's a very hard thing to do. So what are you gonna spend the thirty thousand dollars speaking fee on No, they generously bought my plane ticket. need I needed one plane ticket at home. Yeah, yeah yeah. because I was flying from New York for a work function. I had a very busy time. I'm actually traveling so much, I'm feeling very pulled in all directions. Sure. in a good way of like, wow, it's great to be wow. Wow It's great to be working I am very yes, for the most part, it's just I'm really happy because it's reminding me of like pre pandemic levels of busyness that I had before. And now with kids though, I just feel a little guilty because I was gone for a full week going to New York and then straight to Chicago ' there was not enough time to come home, but I did have time where I just had like a day off here and you know what I mean? So like that felt kind of like luxurious It's okay, you deserve it. Mike deserves What happened to him? with just being stuck with two kids. I know there were points where he was like, it's quite harrowing over here Like I can see that's about as like excited as excitable as he can sound sometimes. Yeah. doeses he ever yell around the house? Damn it. Not like that No Im not like Bob No know, notot like you're fan thick Have you had to give a speech in recent history I can't remember the last time I had to do something like that. You debated a bunch of high schoolers, right? didn't you? Yeah, yeah. I set at that table? Yep, in front of the Americana. It deb It's deb kids only. That stupid kids only. Drop out. I want to say The last thing I can remember Doing that was kind of nerve wracking like that was officiating the last time I ficiated a wed. That would be a nerve wracking sure. Yeah. Everyone's really wanting it to go like they're like looking at you like you're running the show When I did our cual friends wedding U yeah, I felt nervous about it too. and then the like when a joke landed I was like, oh, okay I see. I thought I was good at it because I've done it. I've se. I've seen you do one at least. Yeah. and and I You know, I always thought like, okay, I have to make this really nice. I don't want to like put a bunch of jokes in it because it's not I was so So over correcting. you know, to make sure it's like, I don't want people to think that I'm trying comedy or trying steal fk. by the way I't do that with my. I'm sure you did not. I'm sure you did not. And it wasn't even a joke. I purely I interviewed them about how they met and all that kind of stuff. and I kind of told the story of how they met. and one of the things was our friend proposed after they saw Anchoran to the Legend of Ron Burgundy, which got a big laugh. and then Paul Rod was in the crowd and stood up and no So it was like you know, but and that's when I calmed down. I was like, okay, this this is going well. But then I saw when Matt Gorley and Amanda Lund got married, they had our friend James Bladen officiated. And he was so good that I felt like Oh I've been bad at this. Do you know what ex? what made him so He was just he had A lot of a lot of stories about them getting together and about, you know, because he knew Matt before he met Amanda and he just wove in all this stuff, all this personal stuff so well. Yeah. And I was like, dang, I because I was always so like I'm gonna to keep this brief. I'm gonna prof. I don't want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. But it's like, oh, but if you get a friend to do it, you do want to have more as much of a personal connection as possible. Yeah. I was I was marveling at the job that he did was amazing. I hope I never have to do that Really? I think I would feel really nervous. I mean, I think but I don't want to say I hope I never have to do that. I just think I think I think the anxiety would Yeah. The import of like how, you know consequential the day is, I think much like the graduation that you just did. like it's a very important day that people will remember for the rest of their lives, hopefully U And so even if you you go like, I don't really care how this day goes or whatever, you know, it's it's like important you know it's important for everybody involved. Y. Yeahah, exactly. I remember other people sweating so much better than my own likeike my wedding day There's like You know, scriptps and scraps, but it it's so much of a blur. you. Yeah, because there's so much excitement. But just sitting there watching somebody else's ceremony and reception and speeches and all that shit is like very easy to remember. Yeah, yeah yeah. I found the one that I did. I did inter I took them to lunch and I interviewed them for a long time and I think they were both kind of like, why why all this? you know, but But then you know weing a wire But then I feel like obsessed with us. you know, that was what a big part of it was was like I feel like a big part of it is communicating to everyone there who like maybe knows one of them, doesn't know the other of like, what is their relationship? You know Yeah yeah. How do they get to know each other? What are they like? I did that too and it's still like I still felt like I could have done So look, I got to apologize. I bet you did great. And I remember the one I'm sure you great, you're naturally very funny. It's like anything you're gonna to do, you're gonna infuse a little humor with that. A Little bit here and there. You had a bunch of puns. You know A lot of puns. A lot of puns and they were all about cars. Y U Tim Boltson and Lillily Sulloman also had a great officiate. Yeah. theirir ceremony was great. Yeah, yeah. I enjoyed that one.. Lily read from her like high school journals or whatever. Oh yes, about who the man person she wanted. The ideal man to marry. And I think none of it was like him or what was it exactly? Very few things. Yeah But the things that were like him were absolutely like him. Rightight. It was very funny. I got to meet her mom recently and she was so Oh yeah such a sweety. Oh my God.. The other part that was hilarious was I think that Lily And Tim how didn't understand. I don't mean the story of their wedding necessarily got up in there, but they had an understanding that they wouldn't do funny vows. And then she went first and hers destroyed. was so funny was so funny. And she read from her diary and all this stuff and everyone's laughing and Tim is like,, I thought we weren't gonna do funny vows. was the first thing he said so funny. And then his were hilarious. Th were great too. Yeahah. mean I I was going more for laugh. That's the thing. I think if you're trying to write funny when you're doing something like that, then it's not funy ny necessarily when you're just kind of trying to write trutfully. S of it will end up being funny know. Yeah. But what I think for her, I think it was because she was reading this like this stuff was inherently funny because it was her childhood sel, you know, talking about this stuff Which is different than if you wrote a bunch of jokes. Right, right, right. But still, like so I'm betting that she wasn't thinking Oh, this is going to be hilarious in that way. She's like this, isn't this so? It's like funny cute and ye, yeah yeah ronic and bl Yeah U And then the guy I married, he just married another friend of ours and he was. Are you sad that your husband married someone else He married a kids gonna to have three dad. He married queen and in a three Dads U But he married Kool up and I and then he did his second and final wedding he's had the other day. Well, you're tired. He's out the game, but he was super, super nervous for that and he was so sweaty for it. and it's just like it's what I don't know that you can'tot be nervous Unless you're like one of these guys doing it all the time like you're you're a Reverend in a church or whatever and you're doing, you know, you're just always doing it. but Yeah Wow, Wow My officiate to wow, when I married Mike was just at the courthouse since we got like a random lady. And that was actually amazing too. It's funny in that sort of like accidental way. She was like kind of like this tiny woman with like a really strong New York kind of accent. Do you would think this? Yeah Mother fucker. Yeah, laawful end. She looked like a pict headed husband Lawul end headed husband He't like the headless Horseman out there in Tarryown What is this paring down How New York., of course we've done shows there. Yes, of course, we have. We have. Are you going back No, no not this time. We had a great one two years ago. it was fun. It's fun to be out there. nice little theater. I've played Terry Town, New York than I ever expected to, I think. Twice for me I think four times for me. Wow. Yeah. I think I know I've done it once. I remember distinctly once. I know I've done it once. But maybe twice. With Wed Chow though. But you But you wouldn only be once meet with me? I didid we ever play together? The threees? Oh, was that the one was twenty sixteen? Yeah, yeah, yeah yeahah ye Yeah, that was the second. Okay, so that probably was the only time I did it, but yeahah that was the tour that birthed this podcast. It birthed it. Yep It was like Is that what it was like forah? Yeah And you were like, Mike, I'm gonna kill you. It So funny Why did they ever to let you do this to me? They're still putting that in stuff by the way. Oh like what I feel like I saw it within the last year, like some man for like Crazy My space, baby. I'm gonna burn. Why did this to? Do you think in the world of for all mankind they still made the movie ET? I hope so. I really liked that show a lot. Itill on, isn't it? Yeah yeah, yeah. But I fell off because there was They got into a season where the wife of one of the astronauts started an affair with a kid in the high school or something He was really weird. Maybe he was a little older than that so It it wasn't statut. Dauston's Creek It was still like what the fuck is going on? Dawuston's Creek, which I loved in I gotess middle school was no liup. What if I just had for our lives to be over, you still know what I'm saying? Yeah I would on that one because we set it up for you U Okay, wa I'm going to start this one in the middle. Okay. Okay I ain't afraid no goose. What song is it Uh I can't Karma police. think it might be. On Dawson's Creek, they had a plotline where the female teacher hooks up with Joshua Jack that's the name Joshua. C. Jos Jse. Is there any way to do a high school related show where that doesn't happen? It seems like it's every. I don't know but it was so know where it should have happened. I think it's been revisited a bit online, like on Instagram. People are kind of like going back to that and going like, is this is so crazy? 'Ccauseuse it was it was not written like it was so upsetting. It was like kind of like that's his love story. Yeah And as a kid, you're going like, yeep, that's the dream. I'm beautiful. And then when you're like a little older, like even going back to the high school and like seeing the kids, I'm like, that's a trial. Like if that ist they're ready to take it over the world and they're amazing and they're mature, I'm sure and all these things, but I'm looking at them going like, you look yes. show was ty when he did that Was he really though? I don. But also the plot is still, he wasn't thirty. He's not even that old now. He's twenty two. He's getting younger like me Rre Benjamin B. But we had so many things like that. And then then did you ever watch that show teacher or whatever the one that was like teacher. yeah. teacher. That' what it was called. Yeah. ye, yeah. No. That was upsetting. Yes, it was. Yeah. It was. That was about a female teacher on a male high school. I think teachers should always behind Plexig gllass in any classroom and like drivers. Yeah. and they never have any contact with any of the students. Yeahes that was I mean, honestly. I mean, look, I mean, honestly, it's the best way to do it This. Like look, look, Mike Pence wouldn't be in a room with a woment m was phonic. The drummmer is behind the whole thing. Are they usually behind a plexig gllass? It's a play and they it's about anyway. Okay. There was that thing that happened recently where like the school board or whatever was meeting and then that man called It stud hot and then nobody did anything. I was like, and then that girl had to stand up and speak about it later to tell them like I am I don't forive any of you and you're all terrible people for not standing up for me. And like now I've learned that I have to stand up for myself because no one's gonna do it. Didn't like or I thinking of a different one where like the dad or something? Yeah, someone in the crowd stood up and said, what are you guys doing? No we're getting this. I don't know but I the one that I saw, I'm like It would be very hard for me to not go like, ew. Yeah. Look we know we're trying to take over the view and be, you know You know, current events podcasts. unfortunately we don't all the dail. don't all the details like months ago look, here's the thing. We're a stripped down version of the view. There's only three of us. rightight? Already that's better. Yeah. Too many people in the view. It's much cler. And we don't have all the facts. And we mostly align. And we don't have any of those shit liibbs on the couch here with us I haven't heard that one. All right, we have to take a break. Okay stududies Play come together on a Windows eleven PC. And for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds. Get the unreal college deal, everything you need to study and play with select Windows eleven PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft three hundred sixty five preremium, and a year of Xbox GamePass Ultimate with a custom color Xbox wireless controller Learn more at windows. com slash student offffer. while suppupplies last ends june thirtieth terms at aka. ms slash collllege PC . And we're back. Now before we get into B arrow for today. Yeah You remember how we were talking about purchasing gadgets online, that's my thing. Gizmos. Hold on a second. I never buy gizmos. I'm so sorry, Paul. I buy gadgetes, absolutely. I didn't mean to tar you with that brush. Okay. What's the other word for that that it would T dads? Sure Ch Kys you guys? I guess Chashkeys is more of it's more just a fil Yeah So I told you about The tiny flashlight That is like a prison search lightight. Yeah, for your tiny prison that you have. Yeah You keep your minature wife? The mice She's not is that the min your wife? She's the minure wife. She's not my minure wife. W you learn anything from downsizing? Tiny preson, my minute for a miniature wife. How is that fucking possible? How down size. I'll rate that one. That's like if made if you made your own mrses Doubt. Here's the thing, honey, I shrunk the kids. Yeah That's where it was That one Nobody ever should have tried up that. They did everything you could. Yeah. Yeah. But then suddenly Ant Man comes around. It's like they shruck the kids. They blew up the kids. Then they shruck themselves.. They never blew themselves up. But there's still time. C that man shrinks a bunch of kids, you know A Man call I enjoyed Atman, call me. I watched Atman does that. Please call me. The first two are great. If I'm asleep, wake me up. The Amanrinks' you get? So okay, so it's the flashlight that it projects like crazy a crazy beam. Oh, cool. I got each of you. Oh my go Oh crazy beans. This is so nice. Oh my go. D turn out the lights? Thank you. Turn the lights. Turn out the lights. the light. Turn on the dark. Whoa.ree the light the movie like a candle. Bam Could you move your gigantic water silo I don't know. what Whatatch that in Aid of Oh, and and it plugs into the wall.. So it's not a big battery Wait this is so great you'll have this by the side of the bed and know'll wake Janie up with it. Yeah. What are you dream about? What did you dream about I forgot I was talking about it. What is its purpose It's just that it's really powerful powerful. It's extremely lightweight. Yeah. It's extremely powerful. Especially if for a guy with myles like mine. It's got a. I'm super strong too. It's like nothing to me. I was just flashing into my eyes to be funny and that hurt. So I regret that.ike mine. Well, if it makes me feeling better, you're also flashing it into my eyes It does. Honestly that. T know that we're experiencing the same thing, well it's fine that feels great. I like it. Thank you so nice. You're welcome. Under where I'm gonna keep this. I'm gonna keep it right next to my butt plug connection how big is your collection now I have four four. Is that four counting the double ends or is that It's counting the double ends. So you really. Sure, if you wantanna be. How don't you go work every day of the week U It's a good idea and I labeled them Monday. What is the purpose of them by the way? It's just having the feeling of something like I use itold It would be maybe you' heard me. No, it is, I think that the feeling is good. and then I think it's a little bit of a like any It can be a prepper, I think for people Oh sure expand sure. L like it's like a John the Baptist. Yeah like a John the Baptist. Yeah. It's preparing the of thed the herald of getting something in your ass or the mod. All right, we're going to play a threeer here And it's a classic. Yes. It's Pitch a Sit song. And classics or classics for a reason. Pitch ait song is one of the greatest features we ever did going to do. This was submitted by somebody who may or may not still be alive. We may have come up with ourselves. Lets let's be clear about one thing. Yeah. The list of threereatures is capped and we will never add another. Well, we don't even know how to log into the. Let's call Josh. Josh' to get into the email I There was a password that you made up that I can see a little bit in my mind's eye. And it's on a shared note too I think. Okay. so we'll get to the bottom of that and log in. to the btom. Well, it must be linked to somebody's email as like a recovery email or something, right who knows Who knows? All right. It's impossible to know. yeah. There's simply no way to find out. Google has made it far too difficult to figure things out. And now they're changing their whole search I'm out. They'se. I you know, we can switch at any time to ask Jeeves. Yeah can' still be a going. No that one's done, but duck Duck Go is another one that Why is it fucking called duck duck Go Why is it called Google? That wasn't like a good word. When we first heard that, we were like, what? Here here's why Google sort of works for me. Beuse it's a number So it's and that's how many how many searches it's supposed to. There's like T can look for anything except now you can't. But ask Jeeves, when they when that site closed, they should have had a fake funeral for him Right? They should have. We don't know that they didn't. And also I wouldn't That's a good quest. And I wouldn't call it fake, you know, if you're doing it's a real funal. You're saying a virual funeral. Is're saying a real funeral for a fake person. Okay. And a fake funeral for my real person. All right, so this is how do we play this? So it's very funny that the idea of ask Jeeves is like if you had a butler, you'd just be asking to look stuff up. How many butts are in the entire world, Jeeves? Butts Jeeves, how far is it to Vancouver? You think there's one but per person, there has to be some person. sure there's somebody who has too. It could be have two is that be. Yeah. there could be you're saying somebody doesn't have one at all Maybe Well, there are guys there definitely don't know. There are definitely lots of guys out there where like their legs go straight into their back. got flat es. You know I'm talking about guys with flat es. All gut in the butt. How many flatesses are there in the world? How many fl He? I a question for you. How flatesses out there in the world. See, but Jeeves didn't stick around long enough to find that kind of information ' like he was kind of more like to like fucking greepy Wh the statue of Liberty? silver head O these other duties Where's the statue of Liberty from Jeeves And The answer is Bery with me France All right, so how we play this is someone comes up with a song name titled Oh my Godd, a creature. apector.. Someone comes up Does he think something's gonna happen? Someone comes up with a song t a friend of ours came over. We're in the middle of just recording our let. We're not in the middle. Well, we're doing a podcast. We are doing a podcast. We also don't speak. We've never had a guest on the show. We We doing a podcast. have a seat if you don't. if you don't yourself some water If we do accidentally hear from you, at least you're not Mary Holland, who will never be on three. No, And by the way, Mary and I did a live show at the Lyr Kype here and as part of Netflix It's a Joke Fest a few weeks ago, whatever. and we met many a piss pig And they were delightful. and I said Mary will never be on freedom. I want that to be clear. and I really hope that Mary understands the bit because I don't care if she does. The important thing is she understands she never be on freedom. I care if she does, I want her to not understand it though. I'll make sure it'sy, but I feel bad about it. Thting the needle. I'll make it confusing to her. Please.lease. Okay, so we're gonna to play pitch a sit song, which is someone says a song title, then the person who's being pitched to revers does the opposite says the title and reverses every word U so if it's what's Family matters. Family We always talk about this. it would be friends, strang strrangers. Yeah, don't matter. And then and friends are the opposite of family. And then two people the other two people have to pitch that as or no, one person pitches it to two people. Can we write this down and just read it? Well, there it's not right in the thing. Okay, you come up with a song You use different words than the song title Yeah. and then you pitch what the sitcom is and then somebody has to come up with the theme song to that sit. It's usually the person pitching it com Uually Yeah. Usually, but anything could happen. Yeah. ye. And it usually does. So I'll come up with the song title. Who wants to pitch the show? I'll go Okay. And I'll come up with the title of the sitcom. No that that would be I think that's it's all Paul and then. So what am I doing? We're listening and being people. I'm a network executive. Yeah, we both are,. Okay. Okay, New York State of mind. New York state of mind. Okay No, but it's a TV show. Yes That's a show? No, no, that's dear. Oh, well, I guess we could do with a show The whole idea is it's a sitcom title that's the opposite. Who cares? Okay I in the song thing songs gonna be Y g. There are two games that are very similar to each other. Yes And we I think we've tried to combine them or have accidentally combined them many times. We're com this is. So this is We're taking the song This is why people hate this section This is we're combining them today. The rules are as explicitly stated just previous to us starting, New York state of Mind go. Okay. Okay.'s Honey Don't call me that. We're not having an affair anymore. Okaykay? It was very messy.. I just slip into that sometimes. Well don't It's upset. I still care about you. I'm done. When I'm done with someone, I'm done. You're just moving on just. I'm done. How are we supposed to run this pitching business? Because we have to act like we are just working here and that nothing. I don't think I'm gonna be able to hear a pitch without putting my hand. Thanks for offering me that water Oh yeah. wow. I hope you don't mind I drink the whole bottle. Yeah. that That's your' a drink. Thank you. You're like a villaant or something. I wish. Are you crush? I w want to be like an elephant and never forget what you're about to tell us. you here to. Well, thank you. Let me tell you, we have a clean slate for fall and we need something now. We have nothing. We have not. We have nothing. We canceled every show. 'Cause it's our turn now.. So I have a pretty good shot at getting this on the air. We cancel the evening news. Wow, arere you allowed to do that? S If you have a news show haveave you noticed nothing's really going on. We do need a news show But please, what do you want to tell us about? And what's your name? My name is Chattery attery Chattery dy. I love. I can see it right here. l Chattery d. No, that's my first in middle Okay.. Oh, you're one of those. So you didn't like your last name for some reason. What was your last name Assault and battery. Oh, Cheddy, dattery, asssault and battery Your parents were having fun with that one. No, they weren't. They weren't. They were miserable. Were they named after what they did to each other? Yeah. Oh, they mixed up the arrest for My birth certificate. My mother's name was assault, My my father's name was battery. Oh My father's name was a pepper You think I' ever heard that before Call me that or I'll kill you Okay, chattery chattery W You can kiss him if you to get one that okay Oh, thank you. Okay, mister Delightful. mister It was dry, but the pressure was good. Yours was wet I feel like your wetness and my dryness combined. My mouth is soopping wet at all times Well all that water you just drank. Yeah it' still swishing ch chatter. chatter chatter ch. Yes, Yeah. We are in a timeock. Chattery ch. We are in a time clock. In the sense that we have only three hours. We're on a time clock. Yeah we're on a time clock. No. Okay Well, I have a show to pitch you that I think you're gonna to enjoy because it's a sit Tom. And we all like those because they're fun. They are fun. My favorite is just shhoot M me Wow, I remember that show. Yeah. Yes. So very hands Wendy Mallet. That's all I was. Ver handsome guy who played an art student on that. Wow., I know an episode. I know of a very handsome guy who auditioned many times and never got on. Well, it's the only show I watch every night. Wow, every single night. Yeah We're thinking about just putting reruns of that on, but your show has a chance. Yeah, by the way, this is on our network Bumbo. that you're pitching for? Oh, yeah, I knew that Okay. No, I knew I was in the right place. Bumbo right now just has reruns of like seventies, eighties, nineties, two thousand sitcoms.. Also twenty thousand ten s, also two thousand twenties. But nothing from the sixties. But nothing from the sixties or before and nothing from be honest, will let one from like nineteen sixies slip through every once in a while? Okay Somet from the sixties. Yeah. If it slips through, which is just because we kind of have a system where we just put in all the files and they just kind of run themselves. Chattery battery. I wantanna hear what your idea is. Okay Asaalt and battery. It's a situ Sorry It's a situational comedy.. What's the situation? What are we going? Well, first of all, what's the title? I want to hear this title. The title is, of course Los Angeles country O Los Angeles countountry of Body. I can just see it now. created by Chattery Dattery. That's right. L a po. Okay. amazing. This is incredible. It words that don't make any sense to other I yet they do. It's a what does NCIS even mean before it's a show? You know Naval Cimes is So bad. Lal crrimes is. So this ce is so bad. Why wasn't NCISB, I wonder We'll never know. They could go anywhere at this point. Think about that for your next pitch where crimes could happen. I guess in the middle of the country, there's no ocean In Midwest's no ocean. Do they have a law and order Midwest O course they do I guess there are those kinds of crimes happening everywhere Those kinds I guess it's pretty uni They're very popular today. Are you just talking about particularly heinous crimes? Yes, yes, Yes.es. Is this what your show iss about? Is particularly heinous no Mine is it's a workplace comedy. Los Angeles Country of b F. And it's set in a morgue. Oh, I love this. And it's like a sort of escape from New York kind of thing where The entire country of the United States has been turned into a morgue and nobody can escape They all have to be morg attendants. and coroners. So is it like freezing cold? Kind of the opposite of how we think of LA Yes. And Los Angeles has moved to the center of the country Okay where they're making movies, but they're all about coroners So they didn't just they're making movies to another state. They said, if we're going to make movies in this state in the middle of the country, we need to call it California Yeah, Los Angeles is the capital of show business. So they said, let's move to the very middle so the show business spreads out to the entire country. cancer Like a fun cancer. Yeah. Yeah What a great image And so the characters are Um Karen Pass Oh H' in Bass. Yeah. Is it is that the same as the one we know No But it is played by it is played by Karen Batt. Oh, okay, but it's a fish Is this animated? It is. Oh it is animated. Oh the incredible character. you should have said that. The Well, not all of it's animated Oh, it's kind of like Mr. Limpet situation. Yes. Okay. Yes. It's not Roger Abbott. The technology is not as good. Oh It is Mr. Limpet level technology. Okay. o. And even if we gave you a great budget It looks b. It has it has to look bad. Okay. It has to look bad So Karen Bass is the coroner, head coroner of the United States. She is a fish that is not a bass but a salmon. Is she a fish shoal as well? These are the kind ofokes that you probably you read the script. Thank you. You're welcome. That's great toar Yeah. becausecause a lot of times they don'tad the script. I didn't read it I could tell when you asked me what the name of the show was. he didn't read the script. Well, we wanted you to say it Well, I had fun saying it, so thank you for that opportunity Look, I'll be honest. Do you feel she's wondering about the one character you do w This pch is going. Okay say more. I mentioned one character. honest. Say more. But I will be honest at the end. Seymour is one of the characters as well. Ohow. Symour. It's by Seymour Cassal. Yeah. Symour Cassale. Sm You know that name is usually pronounced Symour Yes, I know. Okay.'s but that's we're having fun I'm just making sure you knew that. And Seymour Cassale playsare Bass finally in a show together, Yes.. Seymour Cassal, it's not not Seymour Caselle. Symour Casal is a cow, which is a man in a cow costume. Oh, okay. So standing up right. That's not animated. No.. Do anyone ever put a cow in a man costume I have. Yeah.ading sppreading the face. It was hard front. I'll be honest, it was hard to do. Yeah. Two cows in one man costume. O's the Yes. I had to get them to both stand. I had to get the one to stand upright and then the other one to stand upright on the other one shoulders. And they were wearing one big tuxedo. Oh, fun You would think It wasn't fun? No, they were too tall So the pants the pants were like high waters, which I felt bad about. So it undercut the elegance Wait uil you see me stand up? Why? Yeah, honey, stand up. Don't call me that. Sorry I'm sorry, but I just want him Iy. I'm eight, two. Wow, that's tall honey. So my pants are never Don't call me that. I can't either No. eightighty two inches, we should mentine. Can I call you doll baby? Okay thank you, doll baby So eighty two inches, which is only six feet. It's not weird at all. They have a will there or won't they? and the will they is, will they both turn into the same animal or won't they stop doing this? Okay, so I'm gonna be honest we haven't heard the theme songs though. Well, you be honest. and then if you have any further questions, I'm sure they will be resolved by the theme song. Oh. I'll be honest. Okay, before we hear the theme song. I love it. Okay. But I can't pick anything up without a great song. Yeah. I don't know whether I'm love it or leave it. Okay L my favorite. What if I said to you, Bah,,ahah That's love it You're loving you probably You should start at the beginning next time. That's the middle of the song? How does it start again? I'm loving it and'm loving it, I'm loving I loving and I'm loving it and I'm loving itving it I'm loving it But Im loving it. Okay, thank you. It's like some of those old timey Tin Pen Ally songs have a little preamble. I actually do think there's a Justin Timberlake version of that song, which is a full song That's great. Oh. I hope you got lots McDonald's, money. I think I have these CDCs. Remember when youed onucks when you were a kid What's that about It was like Donald'sooks. It was like gift cards, but they were like dollar bills. Do you remember the mononopoly game and I did that the documentary about it Remember when you went to a party and you were dressed as the monopoly guy and Ace Ventura said Who are you supposed to be the mononopoly guy That was a humiliating time for me. But That must have been hard. I't. Anyway, go ahead with your theme song All right, this is the theme song for Los Angeles countountry of Body Sometimes you gota go to a place where dead bodies are hanging out. Everybody knows it's gonna make you want to s a child. you why Don't you tell me that I did? Everybody knows Los Angeles, county, country ofbody is lit