Remembering Sanya and Breaking Cycles

I know this is coming out in the spring, but like we've finally had a day with no snow. It's February. We're in the Wayback Machine, fam. It's true, we're at the end of February. March is coming. Yeah. So I guess we'll see what March brings. We'll see. Hi, Jillian Bazabali! Hello, Patrick Hines. What are we talking about today? Welcome to the bonus episodes, everybody. Happy Thursday. We're also recording this on a Thursday, so that's something that is similar to the thing. Yeah. This is our third bonus episode. It's that series Deadly Influence, season one, episode two. This is call TikTok Terror, which I think is a terrible name for what this is. That's the thing, when we get these episodes that are well done, but like they have to do the salacious title, we don't appreciate it. What is this? I know. Do you think the world is still gonna be here in April? I don't know. We really like we should make these just in case. Just in case you know what I mean? Sonia was a burst of sunshine and positive energy. Man, it was infectious. She was bold and funny. Everyone felt like her friend because everyone was. I can't talk right now. I'm doing how to She was proud to be a Pakistani woman. She was very proud of how she modernized her culture. She made a lot of women feel safe, seen, and heard. But being a Pakistani Muslim influencer online, Yeah. It can get very toxic very quickly. Harassment. Bullying. death threats. Possibility of online threat stepping over real life is actually very real. There's only positive until she had that day where her own life was actually at risk. So our victim's name is Sanya Khan. She is a Pakistani woman growing up in the United States. And I said, Oh my God, she's of my generation. She was a MySpace girl. Because they're saying that she loves social media, and I saw like a the quick MySpace thing and I was like, Oh shit, MySpace shout out. Were you on MySpace? Barely me too. Barely actually I met Steve on MySpace. Really? Yeah, we met on MySpace. But it was can you believe it? The kids don't even know what that is. Wow. I how far we've come. It's r I mean there I Remember that was like really bit you could have like music on your page and top five or top eight or whatever. Which was a thing, fam. Imagine this. You would have to rank your friends. So like people would go to your MySpace page and then like you would see the top five. Like you would r and then I remember getting into fights with people and moving them around. It was like at random. It was like a let like at first at random and then I think you picked. And then that guy Tom was always in there by the fountain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she loved MySpace. That's where she got started. We meet her friend Sidra. All of Sonia's friends are fucking awesome. They're amazing. Sidra met Sonia in the early 2000s. They were like nine or ten years old, and they met at a big party on New Year's Eve, and Sidra was talking to her cousin, and Sonia just like jumped right into her life. Sanya Khan and Sidra goes true Sonia Khan style. I love that. Bring that energy whenever you meet me at a party. Yes. Come jump into the conversation and say hi. Give me your name. I love it so much. Me too. They all live in Chattanooga, Tennessee. There's a big Muslim community there. That's a major part of of like what this episode is about. And Sidra tells us that the Muslim community there is very conservative. We tried to be a Chiba Cheese, right? Uh, which means good girls. Respect your elders, biggest thing. Dressing modestly. We don't bring shame to our families. We wanna the American community. Parents did not understand the culture. And so I think Sonia definitely struggled with that all her life. being Pakistani American, they had two different identities. And she says that they're oftentimes in conflict with each other. I wanna give a note here that Sidra speaks Urdu a lot as a way to infuse their culture into the telling of the story. I think it's very, very cool. She'll say the word or phrase in Urdu and then in English. So it's like a verbal AKA or verbal like blank slash blank. I think it's Awesome. Well, because she says the Urdu w words for good girls. Like they tried to be good girls. They tried to respect their elders, lots of rules. Too many rules, as far as I'm concerned. And like I guess I can say it here, but I'm gonna say it all the way throughout. Let your fucking kids be who they are. I think it's ridiculous because the whole thing is like don't bring shame to your family. Shame is relative. It's absolutely it's okay for one mother to do it, but not another. Like it makes me insane. agrees on what is shameful. It's all of these like uh expectations and rules that apply to one faction of people and forcing it on like the new up and coming generation. Yep and nobody can live up to it. It makes everybody sad and angry and depressed and it makes all the kids lie to their pain. It makes me crazy. And me too. And no matter what they do, they're gonna fail. Exactly. The goalposts will always be moved. Understand, I really get it that it's a they love their kids. You know what I mean? They want the best for their kids. They want the they want the Americ what they think of the as the American for their kids. I I understand it comes from a place of love. But like yeah, I guess for me it's just like being a gay kid who was allowed to be out in the nineties and be who I was and express myself. Like And I think about this a lot, the kind of person and I have friends whose experience this was who could not be out, had to pretend to be straight, to like in their minds keep the love of their parents. And it really fucks people up. Of course. It's super damaging. Crazy. So Sitra says that as young girls, they wanted to be assimilated into the American community, but the parents and the elders were not into that at all. So it's one of those situations where they didn't understand the culture, so they just rejected it. And so the kids are trying to live in both worlds. Like they love their parents, they wanna please their parents, but they also wanna live their lives. They're going to school with a bunch of American kids. They wanna be like their friends. You're in Chattanooga, Tennessee. We're gonna like live the life here, but the parents want to live there but not let them experience it. Yes. We meet Grant, I love Grant. He and Sonia met in Home Room in ninth grade. So cute home I know. Remember Home Room? More about Grant. Yeah. Like what? Um, does he have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Yeah. We don't get an answer to that question. What is Grant? It's not my business. I understand I don't have a right to know, but he's uh just seems like the sweetest guy. And um you know, if he's like a straight guy and he's got a girl best friend I love it. Yeah. I think it's more likely not that. But who knows? I was stuck in Home Room. I thought that was the cutest thing. I was like Home Room. When was the last time you heard that? I know. But Grad says they had a very creative connection. They were photographers, they took photos of each other, and they were like working through that like really like creative phase in high school. Um Grant um it's not a phase, honestly, but Grant echoes that. Sonia's relationship with her mother and father was strained and confusing. at least from my perspective as a white teenage boy. They had certain expectations placed on her that didn't mesh with the culture she's exposed to at our school. Strained and confusing. Well, and that's interesting for him to say because he's the only non-Moslim friend of hers that we meet. Because he says, like, that's my perspective as a white boy. He literally says like a white teenage boy. Yes. And he loves Sonia a lot. Yeah. It's hard when your friend is thriving or trying to thrive and be who they are. Like she's an incredible photographer. Yes. And she's finding that out about herself and like learning about herself. And yet she can't be proud of it or really talk about it freely, except with Grant, you know, it's still like a secret in some way, because it'll be like disappointing. Yes, and it's not even just her family, like it's the whole community. Yeah. It just feels so oppressive to me. It just makes me so upset. Girl, our place is back. Look, this is all about that amazing non stick cookware without any of those forever chemicals. Yeah, we're not doing like forever chemicals anymore, everyone. And I would love to recommend the Our Place four piece cookware set, which is what I have. Totally overhauled my kitchen. It's multifunctional. It's high performance. 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And it's just so like stressful and anxiety inducing to live a life where you have to hide something from two of two very important people in your life. Like Sonia was so conflicted because as her friends are tell us, like she wanted her parents to be proud of her. And she's not doing anything wrong. No. She's in love and she's creative and like that is causing her stress and anxiety. And that sucks. And like you know, so many of us know that. That feeling of like loving somebody and wanting your parents to love that person too. You know? I remember the first time I showed my mom a picture of Steve. Really? The first thing my mom Jesus. It was um a headshot back from when he was an actor. It was a black and white headshot. Yeah, it was wild. It was a very cute cute spiky little lesbian haircut shirt You know, was it was it a button down, was it casual? I'm sure I had like the fun head shot or like the serious shot. It was somewhere in the middle. He looks really cute in it. I'm sure I'm not I'm not doubting that. I'm just saying. Was it like the oh I have personality or was it like I'm very It was more personality. It was definitely more personality. I forgot that he used to be an actor. Really? Like it's been so long. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I never really knew him as an actor. Cause like he was an actor in DC and he did it for 10 years. And he was like on the national tour of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, performed at the White House. I know he was nominated for a Helen Hayes Award, but I I never knew him as an actor. Which White House? Uh the Bush. Which is funny because when I first met him and I saw pictures of him performing at the White House, I thought he was a Republican. I was like, Oh. But I went on the date. I was like, Well, let's see how this goes. And that it was not that. He just performed at the way. It was it was different then. Well, m he performed for Michelle Obama. Forced to be president. Yeah. He's a war criminal, but he was our war criminal. Here's the deal. Sonia's parents get divorced. They weren't like supp quote supposed to in this culture. You know how I feel about religion and divorce. Fucking get divorced, please. Don't murder anyone, don't oppress anyone, like We did this in Mr. and Mrs. Murder. I'd rather like commit murder than get divorced. It makes me crazy. But when Sonny's in college, they get divorced and it takes a toll on the family, and Sidra Her awesome friend is here to be like When it comes to South Asian family norms, we're really good at keeping the facade alive of a happy marriage, but when things go sour, they go down sour real quick. She got to see the other side of the Chatano Muslim community. Mot was ostracized, shunned for initiating the divorce. We learned that Sonia's mother was ostracized by the community because she was the one who initiated the divorce. But here's my thing, Sonia's mom. Why is it okay for you to live your tr now listen. I've got a lot of questions about the dad. Was this an abusive relationship? I'm so glad that for whatever the reason is, the mom got out. I I'm very happy for her for that. But why is it okay for her mother to get to like live her truth and her mother to do the thing that's right for her, but it's not it's not okay for Sonia to do it. I totally agree. For me, it's like Sonia's mother understands that like the system doesn't always work. That this whole like you like we are gonna be told that in their community you stay married no matter what. Yeah. Sonia's mother understands that there are cases in which that that is not true because she lived through it. And it's also just how they're treating women. Yes. Yes. Because Sonia resents how her mother was treated, not just by the community, but by her father. Yes. We're told he took a quote authoritarian approach to the situation. Meaning Well, and that's right. Like I wish we had more information on that, but we don't. And this also damages Sonia's relationship with her dad. Like she lives with her mother when she's home from school or whatever, sees the dad occasionally, but there's like a fracture in that relationship too. Yeah. So we meet Hira, who's an influencer. She goes by supportive South Asian Cis. And she says that a lot of South Asian parents push certain careers on their children so they'll be set up for the future. Like most immigrant communities, Pakistani communities, you have to become a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer because those are careers that will make you more stable in life. Sonia actually did do as her parents wished and she went to UTC and pursued a education in psychology. Cool that once she like had a passion and followed it. End of story. Like that's what she's gonna do. But I thought maybe psychology was a little bit a way to give her parents like a little bit of a bone, but kind of not really. Like it's still like I'm still studying science. Like I can still be a doctor of this thing, but I'm also gonna take beautiful photos. And that's my other thing about photography is I am The worst photography I cannot take good pictures on my iPhone. I told you this, I think. I took a photography class in college with a camera that's self um focused and my pictures were still blurry. Like I am I am that bad at taking I'm like the guy in that episode that we did. forever ago when they're hearing this, but like last week, where they he took the Polaroid of that um oh yeah that dolly in prison. Like you can't see anything in it. I'm the person who sees like, oh filmed on an iPhone, take it on an iPhone. I'm like, which iphone? I know I can never It's always telling me to clean my camera lens, too. Did you get that message? Stop yelling at me. You guys leave her alone. I'm like I did. I know. I just I don't know what is wrong with me that I cannot take a good picture. Like no, it'll look good when I like. I'm saying like me. Like I me too. I just don't under So the fact that Sonia was not just like great at this, she was like beyond great at this is like a magical. It's like a it's like a skill I could never have. Right. And she's like the same as being an engineer for She has like the eye for it. She's the passion for it. And so like, but the thing about being a photographer is that this wasn't like, quote, normal. And that's not normal. She didn't care. Didn't let Low Kia Kenge What are people gonna say? Sonia didn't care what people were gonna say, which I'm sure was Like hammered into her her entire life. Yeah. I mean, like you're talking to two people who like make a living making a podcast. What like a ridiculous idea of a thing to do. I've always been oh oh really? Oh like about anything I've ever done in any creative space. It's always like, oh It's so funny because I f when we first started doing this and it became our real job, and people would ask me what I did. I'm like, I make a podcast, I swear it's a real job. Then for like eight years, I stopped saying that 'cause I was like, I think it speaks for itself. I just joined this new gym and I started meeting people and they're like, What do you do? I'm like, I'm a podcaster, I swear it's a real job. For some reason I'm back to that. No. I've gotten to the point where when people hear that, they go, Oh my God, really? Like they think it's a very cool thing. And I'm like, Oh I know. That's so nice. The best is when people are like, Oh you make a pot and then they look it up and they're like, Oh damn. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm like, I know. It's good. It's nice to not have to always explain it anymore. to saying I swear it's a real job. I don't know why. You shouldn't do that anymore. I know. That's crazy. It is a real job. Yeah. My uncle um said to me recently, um, also named Mike. I'm surrounded by a lot of Mike's in my life. His son is also named Mike, but anyway, he's a nice more mics in that family. I know it's so much. But just in my life. You have a lot of mice. I have so many. And they're all great. But he he said to me, he was like, you know, because there was a time where I was like struggling and like my college stories are like crazy and whatever. And he said he was like, I never knew like what you were gonna do, but I always knew no matter what it was, you were gonna be successful at it. Like no matter where you landed, I knew it was gonna be great. You just needed to figure out what it was. I was like Thought that about you too. My sister recently said that to me. I'm not saying it as a humble brat. No, no, no, no, no, no. I know that, but like you are that you are that kind of person, you know, Nathan. And I didn't even know I didn't even trust myself about that, you know? Well, I've said it should be you privately, and I want to say it like publicly, like you're an only child. You have parents that are successful. Yeah. You never the one of the things that I'm so amazed about by you is that. The idea of asking your parents for help back when you were a bartender and you were with never even crossed your mind. You would just never have done it. And I you know, being a kid that for whom like that's not an option, I'm always like jealous of kids for whom that is an option. And to meet one for whom that would be an option who would never have it blows my mind about you. Yeah. Which is why that's what I'm talking about. When if I'd known you longer when we were younger, before we were doing this. I would have had the same thought. I would've been like she's gonna whatever she's gonna do, she's gonna be successful. Oh, that's very nice. But and but that is why that is my proof as to why that is true. If I a i you know, like I I always said if a if we needed to move home during Covet, like that could have obviously been an option. It's not like they would have said no, but it it was something I just wanted to It's I think it's amazing about you, but that's why people think that about you, because you're just you're gonna you're scrappy and you're gonna make it work. I just mean that should be the norm, is my point. Yeah. Like it should be the norm to be like, oh, you're a photographer? That's cool. Well, like when you're seeing she's having so much success. Like, you know, this is where her sort of like social media and her work life sort of come together. In 2016. Her photography business just started going bonkers. She was out of town every weekend. Going to like awesome places to shoot people. And then she started recording herself, putting her thoughts out there. She became this traveling photographer. Чиз Ти так аз платформ і expanded her business. Like I can understand a parent being like, You've been trying this photography thing for 10 years and you're not really it's not w No. For Sonia, like it was working. She becomes sought after. She's traveling the country, she's going to all these cool places. She's making money. She's building a social media file. Like it's working. Yeah. What's the problem? I I that's I but is everyone stop. The problem is when her she her parents don't wanna have to explain. It's a real job, like I'm doing it the way. It's more about them and what they have to say and what the community's gonna think. Like some woman can't even get out of whatever this really it was if you're getting divorced, it wasn't working. Let's just say that. I'm not gonna assign what it was. It wasn't working. She's ostracized from the community by getting out of that. That's crazy. And like I understand that it's cultural and I don't want to sound judgmental, but we're here. We are sitting in this room because this system costs this woman her life. And the about the system, like her friend Meru was here, because they met on social media and they bonded over their upbringing and their family life, what it was like to be both a Muslim and American. And she's like, We were trying to rewrite all of these rules that were like forced upon us. And she says that Sonia Made the religion what it means to her rather than what everyone else says it should be. I wrote that down too because it's not like Sonia was shunning the religion. She wasn't. She wanted to be a part of it. You know, and she but like she wanted to have religion be what it is for her. Which is like what I think about, like my mom w is gay, and my mom like came out in the Catholic church and like and wanted to stay because my mom loved the cat, but she wanted to make it work for her. Right. Which is what I think religion should aspire to. Right. Doing it the other way is just by definition oppressive. Yes. It just is, right? Wha I mean, and literally that's why we're here. Yeah. So now we're with Olivia. She's another social media friend. And she once again another friend saying Sonia was the best photographer ever. But also like Sonia had big dreams of she wanted be in a marriage. She wanted a big family. She loved this thriving photography career. And so like she when she meets people like Olivia who say like she it's not just that she was pursuing photography. Right. She was excellent at it. And she would capture these beautiful moments in beautiful ways and she becomes like a wedding photographer. She loved love. And people are talking about how like it the photography is great. She's using social media to promote her photography, but the social media is also blowing up. Right. So they're saying it's like she has two full time jobs. She's like a full time photographer and a full time influencer and she's making money. At at one point she's like paying her rent. Through her TikTok videos. Right. Like by twenty sixteen, Sonia's photography career has been skyrocketing. She's always out of town for work. Her friends describe her as a traveling photographer. Like it doesn't matter where the gig was, if someone wanted her to photograph their wedding event, whatever, like she would go. She Yes. Kicking ass. And and people are jealous. Like she gets to travel for this job that she loves? Girl, Home Chef is back. You know that I always loved Home Chef, but that I've like re-loved it even more since I actually started cooking for my family sometimes. Because it makes it so easy. Like the fresh food is delivered to your door. The recipes are really easy to follow. The meals taste great. It's a no brainer. I g I gotta tell you, they've got all kinds of like meals for all kinds of schedules. So we're talking if you need 30 minute meals, oven ready tray meals. 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That's Home Chef.com slash TCO for fifty percent off your first box and free dessert for life. Home Chef.com slash TCO must be an active subscriber to receive the free dessert. And you're gonna wanna be. Like you're gonna want. Yeah, it's like a win win. It's a win. So it's 2017 and her relationship with Robert ends. Remember, he was the guy that she met in college. Yeah. And like she was honestly a little bit caving to the pressure of her parents to meet a South Asian man to bring home because she wanted to have a strong relationship with her mother and father. So she needed to find the right person to make them happy, to make them proud. She decided on dating a South Asian person that she could bring home to mom and dad. Once again, she wants to be in a marriage with somebody that her parents are gonna like love and celebrate, and it's not gonna be this white guy. And she was really scared of falling in love with the wrong the quote wrong person. Yes. That breaks my heart. I know. And that's like a in my opinion, that's like a a young person thing. Like I get that too. I think in her mind, family and marriage is beyond just the husband. It's like, my parents have to love them and they're gonna be the grandparents. And what like she honestly doesn't want to rock the boat. She wants to make everybody happy. So when she's on these dating apps, she's like only looking for the type of guy her parents will approve of, which makes me crazy. What if she wants another photographer? What if she wants someone who's also creative or isn't a doctor, lawyer, engineer, which are all great things, but maybe Sonia doesn't want I couldn't agree more. And she meets this guy, Rahil. He's training to be a physician's assistant. And like the friends are saying, he was charismatic, he was sweet, he was Pakistani and Muslim, just like Sanya. And Grant, Grant, my friend Grant, he's may or may not have a boyfriend, um, likes him because he knows how to present himself. Right. I like that about Grant. Well I think her friends would appreciate that because she is so awesome and she really does know what she wants in terms of this long term relationship. So I think like she wouldn't appreciate someone who showed up like a shlub. Who doesn't like want to be with somebody who makes a good first impression? Oh, you're coming to meet me for our date, like this must mean something. Yeah. Because you know You know, like that's the thing. Their dating life sounded awesome because she lives in Dallas and he lived in Atlanta. Sonia and Rahil kept a relationship through weekend getaways. They often did camping trips. Rahil was very sweet to her. He would fly in and surprise her, would send her gifts and flowers on Valentine's Day. They're taking weekend camping trips and they're like, you know, like they're they're doing this sort of like jet set sort of early relationship thing. Which your face is like fuck this. Well I think it could be great, but Based on what we know. Or what we're told that Sonia wants. That's it's hard to like really dive into the everyday life with someone. Like that is super fun. I love that idea. But based on what she wants, it's kinda hard to get to know someone where every when everything you do is this big adventure. What about sitting down being like, tell me about your childhood? What was your worst breakup or what was your idea about that? Because I'm like, you know what? Like how I kinda love the idea, because I'm a a workaholic. So I love the idea that like Monday to Friday I can like work, work, work, work, work. And then like weekends are for the relationship. But then you might like save some of the the bad stuff or some of the the not perfect stuff. Cause like we only have the weekend. Like you really gotta get into it to if you want to build something that we're told Sonia really wants. I love my husband very much, but I would maybe when like when Daisy's older and out of the house, I'm like, Steve, go live in Palm Springs for six months and just come back to New York on the weekend. And then you'll go back and forth. Yeah, that's just that. I would miss him a lot. I didn't see him all day today and I was I called him and I was like, I know he's at the office, I was working at home. And I called him before I came. I'm like, I haven't seen you all day, like I miss you. Which is weird for us because we are always together. Or in contact with each other. Oh like always. I mean we are be we have to be between Daisy and work and you know, just like life or whatever. And but yeah, so I don't think I would actually like that in practice, but it sounded really like fun and just wanna be by coastal. Just be bi coastal. That's what it is. I know. I'm not sure. Stop making up these like fantasies that don't make any sense. Just be the bicostal girly that you want to be. I do want to be bicoastal. really what it is. I've got all the things that I'm like, don't put it on Steve. I know. Anyway. Anyway. We are told that Sonia really, really, really wanted to marry him, mostly so that she could quote, show him off to the community. And like he ticked all the right boxes. So maybe her family won't make her life a living hell. I mean they're still gonna do it for the photography. But maybe this will help if she marries a physician's assistant. But like it took him five years to propose the reason why it took the time is because she came from a divorced household. That's still a big stigma. I know that there was some resentment from the Raheels family and the way that they saw Sonia, but she can't help that her parents made the choices that they did. Because she came from a divorced household. I know. Everyone fuck off. Fuck off. Light. Grip lighten down and like worry about yourself for five seconds. And and honestly, like we're gonna learn later. Not only does she come from a divorced household, she's a fucking photographer. Oh my god, about this, but she's a photographer. I mean, but honestly, like these are the conversations. Like he probably lied to his parents about what she did, or like, don't worry, I'll talk her out of it. Like It's look, and once again, I know it's cultural and I know it comes from a place of like wanting the b I know that that's where it comes from, but like the it costs her her life. I I'm just I I feel I feel less and less inclined to make excuses for it when it's so damaging to so many people. I know. I can't I think that w it's hard to imagine what it would be like to be in the commun like it when it when it's so much bigger than just you or your family. Like the the cultural pressure I don't know why I'm so flimming, I'm sorry. The cultural pressure isn't just coming from her parents. Like the it the pressure is coming to her parents from their community. Right, but that's That's all they know. And I I'm sympathetic to that. I hear that, but that's the old guard because Sonia is meeting all of these people online, all of her friends, half of them who are sitting here, and they're a lot of her friends and they're all But half of them met her online because they recognize so much in each other. Yeah. So like the new generation is here to say like we gotta stop some of this oppressive shit. Yeah, well speaking of, we go to their wedding and like the wedding the wedding starts out great. A June wedding, June 20th, probably everything she wanted. Oh And like and she looks gorgeous, but like once again we're told there's all this pressure for her to be the perfect most beautiful bride that ever bride. Well the wedding is what everyone wanted it to look like. Yeah, which is a trend. Like it should look like this and make everyone whatever. And so it was huge. Sonia was stunning, everything looked like she looked I She was b absolutely breathtaking. So during what they call the signing of the papers, uh, there was an event. They don't really explain this, but this is like a a special ceremony that's done. It's called the Nika ceremony. I'm sorry if I'm mispronouncing that, but it's like a sacred agreement. that like formalizes the marriage under Islamic law. There's a lot more to it, but it's like you go into the agreement with the person about like what you expect to your marriage and you're like consenting to the marriage. So it's like an agreement. It's like paperwork that you actually sign 'cause they say that, but it's also like a very sacred But this is where we start to learn that there's like discord between the families because Sonia like her parents are divorced and so Rahid's family isn't like super into them. And so when they're doing the signing of the papers. The conflict was over something. What I thought was very minor, it was like a seating arrangement. He was telling her father to sit in a certain place. I recalled her father speaking back to him that you know you're not supposed to be telling us like what to do. Rahid is trying to tell Sonia's dad where to sit, and Sonia's dad is like, bitch, you don't tell me where to sit. And Raheed apparently takes out a sword, which is part of his wedding suit. and slams it down on the table. Like one of her friends is like, I saw like black in his eyes. She says I have a weapon and I'm willing to use it. To Sonia's dad at their wedding. To which I would say you better And the thing because what happened is like Rahil is trying to tell Sonia's father what to do. And as we've been told a million times, you don't disrespect the elders and this is the ultimate disrespecting of the elders like Speaking out of turn and I paid for this. How dare you? There's like all of these rules are Culminating into this one incident. And all of her friends are like, I don't know where that fell in the ceremony, but early enough in the night that it ruined the night for everybody. Like it just ruined the wedding. Her dad wants for healed to leave his own wedding. Yes. Like wants to kick the groom out of the wedding. But all of the friends even now are like, I don't want to talk about it. It was so bad. Some of the friends like won't like literally won't speak about it, like to this day. And I think they felt I can't imagine being either Sonia or her friends in that moment being like, Oh, this is like a a peek into who you're marrying. You have to run and she can't run. And not only that, we're told that like in this moment she sub she's like feels like she has to support her husband over her father. is drama too because then her parents are mad at her. She's already a fucking photographer. I mean like it's just getting worse. Let her live. Just let her live. Girl, ZipRecruiter is back. I love Zip Recruiter. 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And like one of their friends says to us, they move into a high rise on the 28th floor. And I just made a note. I'm like, this is going to be important to the family. Like that really look, it's not about me. I could never live that high. We looked at an apartment once it was like in the sixty eighth floor. I I we live on the fourth floor and I could not go any higher than that. I lived on a very high floor. Uh it was a rental and we it was during Covet, so the price was like insane and we got a locked in price. New Yorkers will know this. It was uh The price of the rent didn't go up for like four years. And it was I remember this. They were, I was like, I kind of never gonna get the seal again, but it was incredibly high up and when it was really windy. Like I used to send you pictures, I'm like, Oh, I'm in the clouds today. I remember not fun for me. No. But anyway, so November 7th, 2021. Sonia is a guest on a podcast called Brown, Bad and Bothered. Yes. And she is talking very candidly. Her experiences as a South Asian woman, like these strict parents, balancing the cultures, being in a quote, unapproved career. But she's also talking about how like her husband is working so hard, he's in physician's assistants school. It's gonna be a long time. She is like thrilled that she gets to be the breadwinner. She makes good money as a photographer and as a social media influencer. The problem is Sonia was trying to live between the online world and the real world, trying to pick and choose things that would reflect well when in reality things weren't going very well in her relationship. Trying to present like everything is amazing in her life, but it's not. Yeah. Which broke my heart because when you we hear her on the podcast and she sounds happy. She also says on the podcast, which I think is really important. Support your child, motivate them. If you want them to succeed, if you want them to be happy. If you want them to succeed and be happy, then support them in what they're doing. She's like this evil photographer. She's also killing it. Exactly. So she's I loved hearing her say like please break the cycle. I'm doing my part to break the cycle. Yeah. You can do that too. And but we learn like what's really going on in her life is that Rahil is never around. Between school and his friends and studying, he's never there. She says, Well, I'm quote playing housewife. Also the way he talks to her. He's telling her that her job isn't a real job. His family's never gonna approve of it. She's gotta like give it up and do something real. Can you imagine getting out of a house like that, like with your parents, and then your husband turns around and uses that same shit against you that your parents said that you thought you were getting away from? I know. And like I w I wonder like when they met, did they bond over being like first generation American kids of Pakistani parents who wanted more? Because we're gonna learn that Rahil, he was like the absolute quote perfect. The golden boy. It's impossible to live up to, but we're told in this moment he was perfect to his parents, his sisters were perfect to their parents, and like Sonia could never live up to the perfection of him and his sisters. Yeah, like all of the women in his perfect family were absolutely perfect. And Sonia was being told by Her family, her husband, and her husband's family that she'll never be good enough. And it's like Because she's a photographer. Because she's a photographer. And a woman. And that's the thing that like the like the fact that her husband isn't standing up for her in that moment. The betrayal of that, because he must have been nice about it for a while. That's what I was saying. She never would have like put up with that. So for him to like that that that moment must have been like betrayal of it. You're supposed to love and support me. Exactly. So suddenly, as we're learning that things aren't as great as she's presenting, she kind of disappears from social media. She's isolating. She's isolating one of her friends is like, I was going to Chicago to see a bunch of friends. I wanted to reach out to see her. But she told me she wouldn't be able to because she had some family stuff going on. And that was kind of a red flag for me because she would tell me what it was. I just knew that there was something. That she wasn't telling me. Because she had quote family stuff to do and she's like that's when that was a red flag. That's when I knew that like something was not like her friend is in her city. Yeah. Sonia's parents are in Chattanooga. Right. And her husband's always Is never around because of studying and like s Sonia can't hang out with her friend. Right. And she's off the grid. This was a woman who was like making her living on social media, who's like just like nowhere to be seen. Her business, her livelihood. And now she's off the grid and Sitra's like, no, this is not okay. So then we jump to January 2022 and she's starts to tell her friends the truth about what happened quote in December. Yes. Like a few weeks before. And so now we go back to December seventh, twenty twenty one. And like gird your loins here, fam, because this is so awful and terrifying. We learn that Raheel was having a suicidal episode in their apartment on the twenty eighth floor, grabbed Sonia and tried to jump off the balcony with her. Right. Like I mean he was trying to kill both of them. Yes. That is that is absolutely Beyond and apparently his mother was there and was somehow able to get him to not do that. But then also the fact that he tried to kill himself becomes like such a taboo. And murder son She's like, My mom just didn't want anyone to know. I honestly didn't know what to do. Her in laws were refusing to look at the fact that Braheel had a serious problem. Sonia's own mother, who is like you can never talk about this. This happens sometimes. Like sometimes husbands just get like that. What is everybody gonna say? Her own mother. Instead of trying to help this clearly dire situation where Sonia is in grave danger. Grave danger. Yes. And like just because he didn't pull it off the first time does like doesn't mean he's not gonna try it again tomorrow. Like is anyone getting help here at all? No? Great. So we get the screenshot that I need to slow down on. Sonia says this is the incident that makes her want to tell her friends, like we I need to tell you. Like this is not good. Sonia Tex Sidra. Babe, a lot has happened I haven't shared. Sidra's response immediately is can you talk? Yes. This is what I'm always saying. Yep. Right? Like Sonia was off the grid. She was ghosting everyone. She reached out to Sidra. Sidra didn't even think, can you talk? Yep. We want to help you. Yes. Reach out to us. Your friends miss you and are worried about you. 100%. Text us. Yeah, this is where we get a bit of like Raheel struggling with the oppression of trying to live up to that perfect son moniker. Like that's where a lot of his mental health stuff is coming from, but he's also not allowed allowed to talk about his mental health. He also lied. Something else that came out was his age. Yeah he had Lied. He was actually in his mid thirties. That for her was a huge turning point as well because she actually doesn't know. Who the hell she married? Saying he was twenty six when he was actually in his mid thirties. Right. So this is another thing where Sonia's like, My husband just tried to kill me and I have absolutely no idea who I marry. Like this man is a stranger to me. And we see him texting her, my family feel you are overreacting. So now like do you know how lonely that must feel for Sonia? She can't even talk to her husband. She can't even say to her husband, what do you need? Like we need to get help. Like how can we fix this? And if you're Sonia's parent, like if if this were Daisy, the only thing that I would be thinking is he's gonna kill her. Yeah. And the most important thing in the world is to keep her safe. I am imagining, I'm assuming that what the her family and his family are actually thinking is The reputation of the family comes over her safety. A hundred percent. Absolutely, it is it is more important that nobody know that he's struggling with his mental health and that he just tried to kill her than it is that we get her out of there and keep her safe. And to lie about his age, a 10 year age difference that she finds out after the wedding. I'm like, who did she marry? For a second. I'm like, oh a fucking coward, mama's boy, that's too. Because we get a text from him. My mother thinks to be more supportive of your husband. G yes, but like but this is what I'm saying. Like she was she's grown up in a system that has told her she can't leave, except that her mother did, but her mother is telling her that she can't. She's being gaslit from all sides. Yes because her mother is now a totally different person, apparently. Like what did Sonia's dad do, Mom? made you say enough is enough, but your daughter being almost thrown off a 28 floor balcony isn't enough. What's going on here? Right. What's what is happening? Yeah. Right. Make it make sense. Like her parents are talking shit to her. Her husband is, her husband's family. She's isolated. Thank God she reached out to Sidra, at least for a moment to not feel alone like that. I mean, it's just insane. He tried to kill her by throwing her off a balcony and she doesn't want to sleep next to him. She's afraid he's gonna kill her in the middle of the night, and he might. And by January of twenty twenty two, when she's opened up to her friends about it, her friend Meru literally goes to rescue her in secret. She's like, Okay, I'm I'm leaving now, I'm on the next plane. One hundred percent what I would do, she gets there. Raheel is home. And like and does not know that Maru is coming. And she packed a small bag and she brought her camera. Like her baby. We ran to the elevator. We were shaking, out of breath, adrenaline was pumping, thinking that he had all of us. We made it. They run to the elevator. They are shaking their out of breath. They are afraid Rikula has followed them. He has not. They get on an airplane and they go to Maru's New York apartment. And Sonia has escaped. And once she is out of this situation for two seconds, she really can see how not okay any of this is and how scary and dangerous it is. Everyone around her is failing her and burying her more and more in this bullshit. They're making it a million times worse by the second. And she's like, uh she says out loud, that's it, I'm getting a divorce. She says it. Yes. So Sonia goes home to deal with this. And where is Rahil? With his mommy. Did we get Sidra? this in the fucking louv. She this is screenshot that I took and she goes A self-entitled boy goes running back to his mom. A self-entitled boy goes running back to his mom and opposes her with her arms out print it out. Frame it. It's hanging in the loop. Yes. Down back, but still the loop. That's a Lord sign. I'm like obsessed. I don't know why. You love Lord now. Girl, ladder is back. Look, this is all about solving your gym problems. Because I think like so many people, we want to go to the gym, we want to be fit, but like you walk in the room and then you have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to do. I need to be told, I need a program. Yes. That's exactly what ladder is. Ladder is an expert strength training plan, not a content library. These aren't influencer workouts or challenges. It's all real progressive programming designed by certified coaches. Yeah. And it's all about like it works for any strength training style that you prefer. If you're a Pilates girly, or if you want to do bodybuilding, or if you have like at home dumbbells and that's it. Like anything that you need, there are programs for it. And it's not like they just like give you a thing that you read. There's in ear coaching guides that guide you through. Every set with cues, form reminders, which honestly don't waste your time doing a thing incorrectly because you're getting nothing out of it, and motivation. It's in your ear. They're telling you what to do. Yeah, and your progress is tracked automatically. So the app will remember your weights, your reps, your sets. You can see yourself getting stronger over time. You could see what needs to be changed, what needs to be adjusted. This is the answer. If you've been wanting to start like a gym program, but you like are too overwhelmed or too intimidated, this is it. This is gonna tell you everything you need and like help you progress over time. I love this. So remove the guesswork with ladder and get a real coach in your ear telling you exactly what to do for every workout. No thinking. Everything is planned for you. Yeah. If you have an iPhone, head to ladder.fit slash TCO and take a quick quiz to find your perfect ladder plan. Use our link and get a free seven day trial with no credit card and ten bucks off your first month if you join. No excuses anymore, fam. Today is the day. No. Strength training. Here we come. Here we go. The thing that Sonia does is she turns to her online community. And then why this is such a big deal is because nobody from their community is doing this. She's sharing her pain, she's sharing her confusion, she's sharing how she's been feeling gaslit. She's sharing how her family isn't supporting her. And like people are really responding to this because so many women in that community are going through the same things. Someone's commenting, don't stop making videos, don't stop speaking. And so her content evolves, and she also starts talking about her. Upbringing. Yes. You know, like POV, you're the black sheep of your South Asian family. Someone is commenting, my parents have boycotted me since I got divorced. See you later, mom and dad, with the peace sound. Yes, like people were so desperate for somebody to say it first. And she's making a difference. Yes. Like she's healing. are healing, there's this new community now, this new generation, the old guard is over. Like these people trying to f say like can talk about it now. And one of her friends says like her message, like it wasn't just for Pakistani Muslim women. She says Her message was no matter what religion you come from, you're a woman and you're beautiful and you can achieve anything that you set your mind to. And you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. Yeah, this religious and patriarchy is fucking everywhere. We just did it with the Mormons. You know, it's interesting. Like we were we were just did a Patreon panel yesterday at at um on air festing. The big buzzword of the of the weekend was authenticity. And I was somebody was like, Oh, well how do you like make your videos go viral? And I'm like, We don't care about that. We just care about making the things that resonate with our listeners and resonate with each other and like that's what we do and that's what we love. That is the one of the reasons why Sonia became such a social media star because She wasn't trying to get famous. She wasn't trying to like even make money. She was just trying to share her experience in the hopes that it helps somebody else. And that's how many people it helped. Yes that she was going viral. I know all the time. And like I think that is such a thing to really think about anybody who's listening to this who wants to like share any part of your life on social media. Like the way you find success doing that is by just being who you are. You know, your community will find you. A hundred percent. Unfortunately, however, with this will always come the death threats, the haters, the trolls, the unhinged people, the bullying, the harassment. Especially if you're a woman and especially if like you're a Pakistani Muslim woman. I want to read some of these comments because they're all threats to her. Yeah. Glorifying divorce and disrespecting privacy is filthy. play with fire like that. That sounds like a threat to me. That's a threat to me. Yeah. My sympathy goes to him. Till death does us part. I mean, we're not gonna be the grammar police right now, but like that's also a threat. Like till death do us part? Like I know what you're trying to say. Yes. Then uh last but not least, prostitute, you should suffer the pain you cause. This is what she's dealing with on the flip side of being authentic and finding this thriving community of women who don't feel alone and are finally making their voices heard. Yeah. And even her own mother is texting her shit. Stop being a teenager. Stop posting that online. A teenager. Like w I don't understand. Her mother got divorced. I know. Her mother left an abusive marriage, but she's not allowed to. And Sonia's friends are like, She didn't focus on that. She was like, girl, I'm gonna delete the block and move on. brush them off. You don't really think someone's gonna like lash out like that for just something as silly as something you post online. The lead block move on was her her mantra. Yeah. And this is where we meet her friend Gabrielle, who I love. Yeah. Gabrielle's her friend in Chattanooga. Like all of these friends that we meet, they just start to glow when they talk about Sonia. And she's just saying that like they, you know, they met on social media. She calls her like twin flame, soul sister, whatever you want to talk about it. Make it. Gabrielle is has a front row seat for watching Sonia make this whole new life for herself through like sharing her her like lived experience on social media. Yeah. And so Sonia gets a tattoo, which is the number twenty eight in Roman numerals, and it was the year she quote woke up. Also, she lived on the twenty eighth floor and survived murder. It's in that wild. So the number twenty-eight is really important to her. Yeah. And she posts about it. She says the year I got married, the year I moved from a small town to one of the largest cities in the country, the year I filed for divorce, the year I almost died, and my apartment is on the twenty eighth floor. Which if you know my story is the one I almost lost my life in. On that's the real on the screen of her video. Yeah. So she said tomorrow as I wake up, you know, like she's just really thriving and taking her stor like wearing it like a badge, because this is her story and she's gonna break the cycle and she's gonna make changes and we're all gonna heal. And she gets back together with Robert, the white guy from college. You know the one that got away. So she's going to move back to Chattanooga. That's her big thing. She's gonna move in with Gabrielle. She and Gabrielle are gonna get a house. Gabrielle, I don't I feel like Gabrielle just signed like a five year lease, but as soon as Sonia was like, Can we live together? She's like, fuck it, burn it down. Of course we're living together. Yeah, I think they are incredibly, incredibly close. And they I mean Gabrielle says that's when we fell in love. So I think they are very Are you granting me right now? I don't know if I am. I'm just saying I think I got a little bit I think they were very seriously connected I'm not assigning anybody anything because Gabrielle doesn't say anything. Gabrielle calls her her twin flame. She says soulmate and soul sister and she said that's when we fell in love. So I you can use that in any way. I talk about that way with my friends about my friends sometimes, but I'm getting you know, like Sonia flies Gabriella to Chicago. It's not like Yeah, relationship vibes. It's okay. A little bit, but I don't want to like generalist here being very honest about this tragedy that happened, so I don't want to be a dick about it, but I'm getting like I think they fed each other in a really important way. Well and like that's the thing is that like whatever it was, it was the beginning of something. Something really important to both of them. Really big. And it's like we all have friendships that are really intimate. That like at this point in your life? 100%. Know Gabriella's story. Maybe she was going through something similar. I have no idea. Yeah. But the plan is that so Sonia flies Gabriella to Chicago. Gabriella is gonna help Sonia pack up, and then they will drive from Chicago to Chattanooga. She says have a little adventure. I'm like, that sounds amazing. It sounds Phenomenal. That's about as far as I want to drive with anybody. Chicago to Shad Chattanooga. That half way across, we could do that. Yeah, I just hear the like Like see this feel like just lit like it figuratively and literally like leaving everything behind. Now all I can imagine is the lesbian U Hall. You know what I mean? So Gabriella is fresh off the plane. She just landed in Chicago. She's supposed to go to Sonia's house to help help her pack. I landed? And I asked her, what train do I need to get on? And heard from her. So that worried me a little bit? Still I called her a lot. And she's texting like wait, what train do I take again? And Sonia's not answering her. And now this is interesting. I guess Sonia and Gabriella were po posting a lot about moving in together because Gabriela says that Sonia's followers are reaching out to Gabriela because she goes, They know we were supposed to see each other today. Yeah. So she's getting these like Instagram phone calls, which is a very weird thing, Instagram. Somebody called me on like Facebook Messenger watching. I was like, what are we for? And it's like sometimes like, oh my God, sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Sometimes it's like people leaving and I'm like, oh okay. Yeah but anyway, but she's getting all these messages like from Sonia's followers reaching out to Gabriella because they all knew that this big move was happening. But then one of them sends Gabriella is like waiting for a like a text or a call back from Sonia, like where are you, girl? I'm here. One of Her followers text her and says, I'm so sorry about Sonia. Ден Саня'з фатер. mother called Gabriella and Gabriella's like this is the first time I've ever been in con like I don't know her parents we've never spoken before. Yeah so now they're calling Gabriella like everyone knows that Gabriella is here. Right. And they're all reaching out to her. The dad says to her she's gone. Well you know what happen he finally fucking did it. Like that that becomes so the minute Gabrielle is texting Sonia, what train do I take? I'm like, he fucking did it. Yes. He finally did it. Yes. Piece of shit. And we learn that at four thirty in the afternoon that day, the day that Gabrielle landed, the police were called to Sonia's apartment. And upon arrival, that the cops are standing outside the apartment door. Upon arrival, they heard a gunshot. and found Sonia's body unresponsive. They then found another body with a gunshot wound to the head. It was real. They find Sonia unresponsive and then they find another body with a gunshot to the head and it's Raheel. Yeah, Raheel killed Sonia and then himself. And like all of the friends are learning via text message. Sidra is immediately furious. Oh my God. Sidra is me. Just fucking pissed. And Gabrielle says it like he knew I was coming. That's the thing. Like he knew that I was coming to get her, and this is when he did it. So let's rewind. Yeah. It's been six months since the divorce. The killer drove 700 miles from Atlanta to Chicago. Can we stop on that for a second? Because I was like, he had seven hundred miles to talk himself out of it. Seven hundred miles. Ramp himself up. I cannot imagine that level of fucking crazy. Well when you have the support of these insane people. Yeah. Telling you like till death do you part that she should suffer the way you are suffering. Like that is the echo chamber that he's living in. Well, we also learn, I mean, he was banned from their apartment. I mean, that's an interesting way that they're that's an interesting word that the documentary is using. I wonder, though, if there was like it's not a restraining order, it doesn't sound like, but like when you try to like Grab your wife and jump off the balcony. I wonder what that means bams. Let me just slow down on this. So he's quote banned from the apartment, but he gets around this by calling a random real estate agent and saying like, oh, I want to look at this other apartment in the building. Yeah. Proving that the building had no real way of actually banning him because he still walked right in with the real estate agent. And it's also like who banned them? Was it like Sonia who banned him? Was it Sonia's mother who banned? Not a picture, not of this. Or was it just one of those like really awesome things that happen where there's like a piece of paper, but then you can't actually enforce it? Yeah. Absolutely. But like he was able to walk right in. And so once that apart that bogus apartment tour is over. After the tour, he told the real estate agent that he was going to visit a friend. And at eleven AM he knocked on Sonia's door. What is believed to have happened is Raheel told her that he had her wedding dress in a garment bag. Sanya opened the door and Raheel immediately shot her. He shoots her. Meanwhile, though, the killer's family has called police and asked them to go to the apartment to do a welfare check because they haven't heard fr he's been missing for thirty six hours. He's been driving the seven hundred miles. Yeah. But he didn't tell anybody of I guess. And like not answering his phone I guess. So Sonia's death is ruled a homicide. His is ruled a suicide. And we're told by the friends, like once again, Sonia did everything right. She divorced him, she changed the locks, he was banned from the apartment for what it's worth. Like she tried to do everything she's told to do. And like Pull over for this, please. Because he left a suicide note. Blaming Sonia. Yeah. I mean all the friends are like, this is such bullshit. He said, his in his suicide note, he said, he had the gun to his head, telling her he couldn't live without her. She tried to take the gun out of his hand and it was. But before that, they were had a good time and they were laughing, by the way. They were laughing. Everything was perfectly Wonderful and normal. But then he pulls out a gun, puts it to his head, says I can't live without you. And then uh according to Rahil, it went like she shot herself by accident. And then he couldn't like stand that his having been there caused her death. So he had to kill himself. It's all fucking. Yeah. So Hira is that influencer, the supportive South Asian cist. Yeah. And she makes videos about this because she's been following Sonia's career basically and and resonating with her because she's fucking had it. Yeah and she says here yet again. We have a South Asian woman. going through domestic abuse who has now been murdered by her estranged husband, and yet the community is absolutely silent. Time and time again in our communities we talk about how women need to be complicit to the abuse that they face. So myself and some other social media influencers that I know from our community. Spoke up about this. And the community won't talk about it. So now all of these other influencers are saying, like, this is why she had the following she had. This is why we understood like this could be any one of us. Right. And so they do it. She and like all of her girlfriends, like they're the ones that like take to social media to sort of like tell Sonia's story and And keep this going because women in this community desperately need to see women living through things like this, you know? Or tragically being like this is what can happen if you're not allowed to protect and take care of yourself. And there are still people, men in the comments defending Raheel and blaming. Sonia, even in all of this people coming together, there are still people in this community and in that religion that are blaming Sonia and defending him. And it's he didn't kill her because she left him. He killed her because he was always going to kill her. You know what I mean? Yes. It wasn't the leaving. Maybe that escalated it. Maybe that made it whatever. But he killed her because he was sick and was always going to do this. And every signal, because don't tell me the signs weren't there. long before that. I mean we know it's true because before there was any before sh there was any threat of her leaving he tried to kill her. You know what I mean? Yeah. And the wedding. Yes. And you know he he reacts violently to things. We we knew this on their wedding. And he's been a liar from day one. Yeah. His family won't let him get the help he desperately fucking needs. Because of what again? Because of what people might think. The reputation or whatever. Now he's a now he's a fucking murderer. So how's that for reputation? And we all know about it, and we're all talking about it. Her friends get her Roman numeral tattoo. All of her Osa's friends came to this idea of getting the exact same tattoo in the exact same spot. For the exact same reason. Uh I just had to mark my body with her memory. I have to. beautiful way to memorialize her and to have like a little piece of her like with them forever. I think that's really beautiful because I really was moved by how many of her friends came, how they spoke about her, how they wouldn't speak about things. Yeah the boundaries they had. The honesty they had. I just fucking loved all of these women who showed up to continue this conversation that really like needs to be had. Yeah. And then we get the on-screen text to go to thehotline.org if you need any kind of help with any of this whatsoever. So thanks for doing that. Girl, we did deadly influence the social media murders. Like, holy, holy, holy shit. Season one, episode two, if you want to check it out. It's a great episode. It's a good series. It is a really good series. They focus on the victim. I love that they have so many of their people here. That means a lot. I actually also really like that we get to see some of the social media posts that they make. It's so important. Like the trail is there. Yeah. So obvious, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We love you, fam. Thanks for checking out our bonus episodes. We love you. Yeah, happy bonus episode season. Bonus episode season is the honor. Alright, we love you. Bye. Stay safe. Bye.