Is Disappointment a Cop Out

Welcome to Unfuck Your Brain. I'm your host Cara Loenthl, master certified coach and founder of the School of New Feminist Thoughts I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live. Let's go And welcome to this week's coaching Hotline episode where I Answer real questions from real listeners and coach you from afar If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuck yourourbrain d. com forward slash coaching hotline, all one word orr text your email to plus one three four seven. nine, nine, seven, one, seven, eight four And when you get prompted for the code word, it's coaching hotline, all one word Let's get into this week's questions question, I think a lot of you probably have and it's about PMS Car, I want to know your thoughts about PMS. I understand that most of the stigmas around PMS come from the patriarchy But I do find it harder to manage my mind during my time of the month I am usually more irritable, overly sensitive, short tempered, and overall less emotionally resilient Even when I know I'm about to start my period and try to bring awareness to my overload of emotions during that time I still find it harder to manage my mind Do you have any advice on how to think about this? I'm confused about whether this is normal or if it's all in my head All right, so I think it's a great question And I think this question applies to more than PMS because Really what it applies to is any time that we think that some other biological system in our body might be impacting how we think and feel or our emotions or our emotional resilience So like it might be PMS, it might be menopause, it might be depression, it might be anything else, right? And those aren't obviously all the same thing, but other hormonal systems Some people find that they're more irritable when they're hungry, right? Like their blood sugar changing has an impact on how they feel So here's what I think about this I think that ultimately It's hard for us to know if we don't have some kind of actual diagnosis what is actually biological in some way or hormonal or blood sugar related or chemical imbalance, or? whatever. It's hard for us to know exactly what it is. Often medicine doesn't know exactly what it is either. They diagnose on symptoms, they don't know actually what's happening in the body all the time We often don't know. but I don't think that it matters in the sense that a lot of the tools just still apply So maybe you are more irritable, overly sensitive, short tempered, and less emotionally resilient. L that's your thought about that time of month Even if there is some hormonal thing happening in your body that's different How do you feel when you think I'm more iritable, overly sensitive, short tempered, and less emotionally resilient? When you have that thought about PMS You're just for sure creating more of that Like you actually have no idea how different your hormone levels are. Maybe it's a huge swing, mayaybe it's a tiny swing, Maybe it has a big difference on your emotional resilience. Maybe it has very little difference. like we really don't know. And so you just want to be careful that You're not conflating, yes, the conceptual idea that some biological systems in our bodies might impact how easy it is for us to regulate ourselves emotionally or like what physical sensations we have that we might be confusing with emotions or vice versa and the story you have about it. Like I always remember one of my very first coaching clients believed that she was going through early menopause. She was having hot flashes. and they would like come out of nowhere. and she like really believed she had this hormonal dysregulation. She'd been to doctors, they weren't able to help her And I actually as a beginning coach kind of bought her story and I was like, okay, that's interesting. Like let's at least see what's going on when you have them and how you're thinking about them. And what we discovered was that She had them when she was angry She was actually feeling anger But she was so divorced from her own emotions and so not in tune with feeling them that she interpreted them to be like hormonal hot flashes And then she had this whole story about her hormones So I just really like to caution, you know I'm not saying that there's no such thing as hormonal changes in the body that might impact your emotions, but that's a far cry from that to I know exactly what I'm like during my cycle and here's all these adjectives that I tell myself I am that of course just produce more and more of that That's the first answer. The second thing I would say is, okay, let's just say everything you said is true and let's put it in the circumstance line. L let's pretend it could be a true circumstance that you are more irritable, more sensitive, more shir tempered, and less emotionally resilient. Like let's pretend that's a circumstance You still get to decide what to think about that Let's just pretend it is a circumstance that's harder to manage your mind when there are certain different levels of hormones in your body Okay, you're a human and you're going to have those levels of hormones for a while. what do you want to think about it Even just doing that takes the drama down quite a bit rather than sort of being confused about it. It's like the answer, there's nothing to be confused about because the answer is always. Pay attention to my thoughts and feelings and be kind to myself about them. Like that's just always the answer There's never a time that that's not the answer Even if a doctor could tell you all this was true, do you want to keep constantly thinking that thought How does that serve you So what if you are those things during PMS? How do you want to think and feel about it? The answer? Like if you could know that that was a physical condition that you were these things, then you would just think, oh, well, this is a physical condition. So it's like, okay, and I don't have to be mean to myself about it, basically And you can just think that now. So there's really no reason to be confused because The answer is always dis awwareness and compassion for yourself And I just think that's always what we want to be doing and that we really generally don't know. where on the spectrum like the hormonal or the biological or the sensation and the emotion may bleed into each other and it really doesn't matter that much becausecause I mean, if there's a medication to take for something, then you take the medication and if not, you manage your mind. and usually if if you take a medication, you have to manage your mind anyway I think it matters less than we think it does, what the like truth about this is because nobody knows And so what are we gonna to do? We're gonna pay attention to our minds We arere going to practice changing our thoughts and we're going to be kind to ourselves when we can We're not going be mean to ourselves about it and we're not just going to give up because well it's eight days of my cycle every month. I've just decided I am irritable and can't manage my mind and there's no point in trying. Like we know for sure what result we'll get if that's the thought we choose, right That's my answer that If you've been dreaming or secretly thinking about becoming a coach But you're not sure how it works or how to coach a range of people effectively, or if coaching is even a real job. Or if you're already certified, but you still feel a little shaky in sessions, especially if something sensitive comes up My life coaching certification, the Socratic coaching method, was built for you We teach evidence based coaching tools that combine radical inquiry and working with the emotions in the body to create lasting change. So you can coach with confidence, whether you're brand new or ready to fill the gaps your first training may have skipped This seven month certification program includes intensive training and foundational coaching skills Also topic specific training on things like money, relationships, habits and career, plus live practice and feedback. so you're not just learning, you're actually doing and improving in real time We'll also dive into trauma, the nervous system and neurodiversity and how those things affect coaching If you've been getting the sense you're meant for this work And if you're feeling that way, you are We will help you become world class at it To learn more, visit Socraticoaching. com or text your email to plus one three four seven nine nine seven one seven eight four and use the code word coach training, all one word To get the link, we' send it straight to your phone All right Next question This is kind of the confusion theme. Somebody asks, is disappointment like confusion? For example, a friend gets sick and has to cancel a trip with me. I feel disappointed because I have the thought I was looking forward to spending time with her It feels clean. I'm not assigning it a whole boatlet of meaning, but maybe I'm disappointed as a cop out like I'm confused So I don't think it's a cop out. I don't know why it would be a cop out. I think You're disappointed. It's a feeling. It's probably sadness, right? But we call it disappointment, that's fine You probably are thinking I'm disappointed also because you have the thought I was looking forward to spending time with her So no, I don't think it's a cop out. And I don't know why it would be. I think it's like this is how self critical we are sometimes We're like, oh, I'm processing an emotion. it feels clean, I'm fine with it I must be doing something wrong I think it sounds like you're doing it right, rightight? And nothing has gone wrong here I don't think it's copy. I just think's you feel a little sad. You're like, I mean you'reically telling yourself I was going to feel good and now I'm not or like I'm missing out on something. So of course you feel a little sad And that's fine. You might decide to feel sad. feels clean and you want to or decide not to, it's up to you I't think's a cop out Confusion is a cop out because it just keeps you spinning Right? It's like you can never make any progress. Whereas feeling a clean emotion, like feeling clean grif or set. I mean, grief is a strong word for this Like feeling sadness, you know, you're not like, well, I'm going to just stay here forever I'm going to feel that right now about the strip, and that's fine and then eventually I'm going to move on So it doesn't have the same kind of result as confusion, which just keeps you spinning and then you can't ever get any traction So That's my final ruling is that disappointment is not a cop out. And it's not like confusion. it's just a version of it's just sadness probably. and it's caused by your thoughts. And it can be like anything else kind of on the clean side or on the not clean side, depending on are producing it That's it for this week Tee you next week Whether you're dreaming about becoming a coach or just secretly thinking about it, or if you're already certified, but you worry you're not saying the right things in sessions or clients aren't having the breakthroughs you'd hoped for that I have got an exciting announcement for you. We are officially opening enrollment for our next cohort of the Socratic Coaching method Certification. This seven month certification program includes intensive training and plenty of space for practice and integration We've got coach prracticome calls, live coaching feedback sessions, and more o learn more, visit socraticoaching dot com or text your email to one three four seven nine nine seven one seven eight four and the code word is coach training, all one word. We will send you the link to join straight to your phone