People Pleasing Versus Genuine Connection

Welcome to Unfuck Your Brain. I'm your host Cara Loenthl, master certified coach and founder of the School of New Feminist Thoughts I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live. Let's go And welcome to this week's coaching Hotline episode where I Answer real questions from real listeners and coach you from afar If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuck yourourbrain d. com forward slash coaching hotline, all one word orr text your email to plus one, three four seven. Nine, nine, seven, one, seven, eight four And when you get prompted for the code worord It's coaching Hotline, All one worked Let's get into this week's questions First question is short And in some ways actually not a coaching question, but I have a coaching answer to it So here's the question. I'm entering the first stage of a divorce We just talked about it and I'm pursuing whatever comes next. I am concerned, how do I start to explain this to my six year old and three year old Here's my answer I have no idea how you should explain it to your six year old and three year old because I have no idea what actions any of you should take because that's not my job as a coach. Now I'm not saying that to mean like you shouldn't ask this question. I think it's a great question. The reason I wanted to feature this question is that's a perfect example of how when you ask a question that comes from your action line, your A line and your model, right What should I do? How should I do this thing It means that you are not believing in your own ability to figure out how you want to act and it means that you're looking at the wrong line of the model Any action we take has to come from the thought and the feeling. The questestion is never, what should I do which is really what this question is, right? It's phrases, how do I start to explain this, but really it's like How do I take the action in the right way or in the best way or in the way that will make my children think and feel a certain thing And that's always paralyzing because It's not taking into account what really matters, which is the thought and the feeling line Anytime you're asking yourself, what should I do Or how should I do this You're asking yourself the wrong question The question is always, what are my thoughts about this How do I want to think and feel? When you get that aligned, your action becomes clear. whether it's to talk to your children in a certain way, whether it's to book about how to talk to your children about divorce, whether it's to like consult a therapist, whether it's to like Cult your priest or rabbi, like whatever it would be. your action only you can know. come from your thought and feeling line being aligned, from you deciding on purpose how you want tona feel about talking to your children about the divorce and what you want to believe and think about it. That's how you'll know. if, whether, when and how, to explain it to your children When you start with that action line, how should I do this thing? How should I explain it you completely block your own ability to come up with answers, which is why you end up asking someone else, like asking me, right? And I have no idea because I'm not in your life, right? I'm not in your model My job as a coach isn't to know what action you should take and how It's to show you your own mind and teach you how to think on purpose because that is what will determine everything else in your life anyytime you find yourself asking How do I do this or what should I do Or how do I make this thing happen? right? Anytime you're up in the action line You're in the wrong place in the model to start You have to start with the thought and the feeling I mean, sometimes we know we want to take X action, like I know I want to make a hundred grand or I know I want to go to medical school or I know I want to whatever. Yeah, then you can work backwards to get the thought and feeling. But in that case, you're not confused about the A line You know what the action is, you just want to work backwards But whenever you are indulging in confusion around the A line, right, tellelling yourself that you don't know what action to take how to take the action That's when you're asking yourself the wrong question, you have to back up. You just have to start with what do I want to think? How do I want to feel Right? And this's true at every journey, you've got thoughts about like that there's a right way to do it, that there's a wrong way to do it. likeike how it's going to impact them, that you're worried about doing it, right? You've got a lot of thoughts to clean up. when you clean all that up That's when the action is going to be clear to you. And that's always the case. Whenever the A line is muddy, you gott to back it up. You have to start with how you want to feel. and what do you need to think to feel that way When you get that sorted out, the action line becomes clear on its own That's for all of you M If you've been dreaming or secretly thinking about becoming a coach But you're not sure how it works or how to coach a range of people effectively, or if coaching is even a real job. Or if you're already certified, but you still feel a little shaky in sessions, especially if something sensitive comes up My life coaching certification, the Socratic coaching method, was built for you We teach evidence based coaching tools that combine radical inquiry and working with the emotions of the body to create lasting change. So you can coach with confidence, whether you're brand new or ready to fill the gaps your first training may have skipped This seven month certification program includes intensive training and foundational coaching skills Also topic specific training on things like money, relationships, habits and career, plus live practice and feedback. So you're not just learning, you're actually doing and improving in real time We'll also dive into trauma, the nervous system and neurodiversity and how those things affect coaching If you've been getting the sense you're meant for this work And if you're feeling that way, you are We will help you become world class at it To learn more, visit socratic cooaching. com or text your email to plus one, three four, seven, nine nine seven, one seven eight four and use the code word coach training, all one word To get the link, we' send it straight to your phone Next question coaching, I'm noticing that I seek external validation or engage in people pleasing I'm getting better at identifying it and either watching it happen or catching myself beforehand. What I don't have is a good replacement strategy. How do I transition out of putting others' needs before my own without reducing my social support or feelings of connectedness Put it other way I show my love to others by putting their needs first I am getting better at showing love for myself by putting my needs first, but also value my genuine relationships with others and feel as though I'm not there for them This question, how do I transition out of putting others' needs before my own without reducing my social support or feelings of connectedness? What causes your feelings? are your thoughts Say it again. I know it's groundbreaking. Every time I realize it, it's groundbreaking again for me What causes your feeling is your thoughts Getting external validation or people pleasing is not what causes a feeling of connectedness That causes a feeling of validation And like ego affirmation, that's not connectedness Let's just call connectedness love. That's really what we're talking about, I think connecting this just sounds like a weird name for an emotion But I think actually part of what's going on is calling it connected this and allows you to blur this These are two different things. feeleing validated is when we think someone else proves of us That's not the same as feeling love and connection. Those are two totally different things Putting other people's knees before your own which is just a thought. but seeking external validation, doing things you don't want to do because other people want you to That is not what causes a feeling of connection for you or love. What causes a feeling of connection or love for you is your own thoughts And I think you probably don't know the difference. in terms of how it feels. I think youve conflated them And so I think the first thing that I would do is start to pay really close attention So what you're calling different feelings that you're having feeling you get when someone approves of you or when you get to think, oh, they're happy I did that for them, even though I didn't want to. Whatever feeling that is, that is not love and connection That's validation or people pleasing Love and connection are feelings that are created by our thoughts about loving other people and being connected to them. You have this assumption that you show your love to others by putting their needs first. That's not true becausecause there's no such thing. Your love for others that you feel in your body is caused by your thoughts. caused by putting their needs first, which is very vague. caused by your thoughts. Now, it's possible that you have the thought I'm putting their needs first. That's how I show I love them. And then you feel love. But that's just from that thought. It's not from actually doing the thing And you can't show love to others in the sense of making other people feel your love So if you do something you don't want to do because someone else wants you to, that doesn't make them feel love for you. their own thoughts are what will create love or connection with you for them regardless of what you're doing you have to question all of these assumptions, like you're just telling this to me like you're reporting the weather I show my love to others by putting their needs first, but that's actually a made up thing That's just a thought in your mind. That's just a sentence in your brain If you didn't believe that sentence you would not have this problem. And then you say, I value my genuine relationship with others, which is an amazing sense, right? Because they're not fucking genuine Right? You're seeking external validation, you're people pleasing, and you're putting other people's needs in front of yours just so you can feel okay about yourself. That's not genuine You're not telling them the truth. You're not being genuine. But you tell yourself that this is how you show loves that you can call it genuine. It's not genuine. it's lying And that's okay. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. We all do that. And probably some at least some maybe all of these relationships will still endure and be even better when you are honest But you have to look at how you're like kind of skating around the truth with other people and how you're talking about this to yourself in a way where you get to dress up your people pleasing, which is all about your own ego as being about this genuine relationship and showing your love. That's not what it is You really have to separate those And then the last part you say, I feel as though I'm not there for them. That's not a feeling, that's a thought And of course you do because you've got this all wrapped up. you've got this story that the way to be there for other people is to lie to them. Right, but who you really are and what you really want And then you think that creates an authentic connection that makes you feel good But you really got to separate that Y feelings of connection are created by your own brain and your thoughts Now by anything you do for other people and external validation and people pleasing has nothing to do with feeling real love and connection Whether you're dreaming about becoming a coach or just secretly thinking about it, or if you're already certified, but you worry you're not saying the right things in sessions or clients aren't having the breakthroughs you'd hoped for I have got an exciting announcement for you We are officially opening enrollment for our next cohort of the Socratic Coaching method Certification This seven month certification program includes intensive training and plenty of space for practice and integration. We've got coach practicome calls, live coaching feedback sessions, and more To learn more visit socraticoaching d. com or text your email to one three four seven nine nine seven one seven eight four and the code word is coach training, all one word. We will send you the link to join straight to your phone