Managing Arguments and Partner Behavior

Welcome to Unfuck Your Brain. I'm your host Cara Loenthl, master certified coach and founder of the School of New Feminist Thoughts I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence, and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live. Let's go And welcome to this week's coaching Hotline episode where I Answer real questions from real listeners and coach you from afar. If you want to submit your question for consideration, go to unfuck yourourbrain d. com forward slash coaching hotline, all one word or text your email to plus one three four seven. nine, nine, seven, one, seven, eight four And when you get prompted for the code word It's coaching Hotline, All one worked Let's get into this week's questions So two great questions today. Here's the first one, and I think this is a great question I actually don't think has been asked So I think a lot of you will find this helpful Okay, hi Cara. My question relates to intentional thoughts I recently programmed my phone to remind me four times a day to think purposefully. Some thoughts I'm currently practicing include fat women can look amazing. There are people in the world attracted to fat women, some fat women look great in bikinis, and some fat women love their bodies Anytime I scroll through particular social media posts that are in some way devoted to body positivity, it seems like I'll have the above thoughts without even trying I think this means I already believe these thoughts The question is, do you see any problem with purposely engaging in actions I know result in my having positive thoughts and feelings every time my alarm goes off Using the example above, do you see any problem with me purposeullly going on a plus size models Instagram page for three to five minutes as a way to practice thinking the cluster of intentional thoughts I'm currently working on? Thank you for existing. I love you and this work Great question. So Definitely don't think there's a problem with doing this. I think this is a great strategy. I wouldn't use this as your only strategy and I will explain why, but I don't think there's anything wrong with doing this at all. And particularly when it comes to visual programming, stududies do show that your brain processes visual stimuli very, very fast, right? And some of that happens at an unconscious level. It'd be one thing if we were like all starting from just neutral and not having been socialized or exposed to any set of images, but that's not where we're starting from. We're starting from living in a society where we're bombarded with one certain kind of image, of a certain kind of body all the time. And so I am actually a very big fan of in addition to practicing thoughts, resetting your visual diet, quote unquote, like what you see on a daily basis and having bodies that look like yours. To me, that's actually just like restoring what a normal human life would look like. Before mass advertising, you just saw lots of people who all looked different. Some ofom looked like you, maybe some were smaller, maybe some were bigger, some were taller, some were shorter, L you just saw other people who looked human. You weren't constantly bombarded with brushed unrealistic representations of what people should look like and told that if you don't look like that, you're worthless and invaluable. not invaluable in good way, like noton valuable. So I'm one hundred percent in favor of taking some control over your visual diet. since if you watch TV or read magazines or live in the world, you can't even control all of it And I think the psych studies back up the idea that doing this will help There's studies showing that Looking at mainstream women's magazines lowers women's body satisfaction and that looking at pictures of women Re women in diverse bodies raises it. so big fan of this in general And I think it's fine. I mean, that's the whole purpose is to like reset what your brain thinks is the norm and what your brain sees is attractive, right? Humans, we will tend to start to see beauty in and become attached to things that we see regularly. It's just a weird mental quirk we have It's a good thing to hack for your own benefit by looking at images that look more like you and images of yourself So all that being said I'm totally fan of this The one thing I would say is that The way you're thinking about this is that the actions cause your thoughts And that's not true in some like ultimate sense. Lots of people look at those images and have different thoughts. The action of looking at the image isn't what causes your thought In this scenario, the image is the C and then you have the thought about it And yes, there are se's that we have an easier time having positive or negative thoughts about. And not because those C's are inherently positive or negative, right? Just because of like whatever thought patterns we've practiced So I just want you to make sure that you're clear with yourself that It's not the action of doing it or even the images that like makes you have these specific positive thoughts that you're thinking, fat women can look amazing. There's people in the world attracted to them. They can look great in bikinis, some of them love their bodies, right? So I'm fine with this. I think it's just a trigger. It's like if you practice thking your thoughts every time you brush your teeth, then eventually that becomes habitual The only thing I would say is I would not only do it this way because you don't want to train your brain that like these are thoughts you only think when you're looking at images of other fat women. You want to be practicing these thoughts at other times too. becausecause you want these to be thoughts that you think when you look in the mirror yourself, also or just when you're like driving down the street or you see a thin woman start to feel jealous and you redirect or you see a fat woman and you want to appreciate her beauty. L I want you to not just tie the thoughts only to the stimulus So that's the bottom line. L there's nothing wrong with doing it this way. I think it's a good idea to vary your visual diet in this way. But I would just say don't have this be the only time you practice those thoughts because you don't wantna tie them to like only that stimulus. These are the kind of thoughts you'd w to have in your brain as you go about your day because they're so important to you in your life G question. M If you've been dreaming or secretly thinking about becoming a coach But you're not sure how it works or how to coach a range of people effectively, or if coaching is even a real job Or if you're already certified, but you still feel a little shaky in sessions, especially if something sensitive comes up My life coaching certification, the Socratic coaching method, was built for you We teach evidence based coaching tools that combine radical inquiry and working with the emotions of the body to create lasting change. So you can coach with confidence, whether you're brand new or ready to fill the gaps your first training may have skipped This seven month certification program includes intensive training and foundational coaching skills Also topic specific training on things like money, relationships, habits and career, plus live practice and feedback. so you're not just learning, you're actually doing and improving in real time We'll also dive into trauma, the nervous system and neurodiversity and how those things affect coaching. If you've been getting the sense you're meant for this work And if you're feeling that way, you are We will help you become world class at it To learn more, visit socratic cooaching. com or text your email to plus one, three four, seven, nine nine seven, one seven eight four and use the code word coach training, all one word To get the link, we' send it straight to your phone. Second question, My husband tends to shut down and quote unquote sk when we argue sometimes, which feels like he's ignoring me I try and get him to talk, I feel like it's so urgent and imperative that he behave a certain way which unsurprisingly doesn't work How do I become okay with him ignoring Okay, so just the way you're asking this question shows that you're completely believing your own thoughts You think that him ignoring you is a C R first you called it a feeling feels like he's ignoring me. But then you said, how do I become okay with him ignoring me? That's like, how do I become okay with the fact that he's ignoring me H quote, unquote, ignoring you is not a circumstance It's a thought. thought you have, it's an adjective that you have picked of the thousands of adjectives in the world to describe whatever the circumstance actually is of his behavior which we have no idea from this question. All we know is that whatever he's doing, you call it sulking and ignoring We don't know what that means. We don't know if that means he leaves the room. We don't know if that means he stays there but doesn't make eye contact. We don't know if that means he stays there and makes eye contact and does answer your questions, but not at the length you want. We don't know if that means it gets on his phone. We don't know if that means he says, I don't want to talk right. We have no idea. We don't know what the circumstance is at all. because you're Your perception of it, your thoughts about it are coloring it and you're taking those to be the circumstances You're like, how do I keep my thought that he's sulky and ignoring me but just not care that he's doing that? That's not the work. The work is to see that your thoughts about whatever the actual circumstanceces of his behavior or what he says are what's causing all your suffering It's the thought that he's ignoring you that is causing all your suffering. so you're not gonna be able to become okay with him ignoring you You have to deal with the fact that the ignoring is not a circumstance. It's a thought you have. He's ignoring me And what you make that mean, you have a whole bunch of thought work. even if that were a C, why is that a problem? You have a whole bunch of thought work to do about why it's a problem that he quote unquote, ignores you What are you making that mean about him and you and your relationship All of that un explicated work is why you feel so agitated and desperate to control his behavior That's the work you have to do on why you are choosing to describe his behavior as sulking and ignoring, why you are making it mean that, what you're making it mean that he does whatever he's doing, what you make it mean about him, about you, about your relationship. That is all of the work The work is not become okay with him sulking and ignoring me. The work is sulking and ignoring are optional thoughts. Why am I choosing to think those? What am I making it mean that he's doing whatever this behavior is? And how can I clean up that thinking Only when you've cleaned up that thinking and you are in emotional responsibility in emotional adulthood taking responsibility for your own feelings Are you going to not feel so desperate? But as long as you think that He controls your feelings and how he's being as a problem. for you and your feelings, then you're going to feel agitated and desperate about trying to control him All right, my dears, that's it for this week. I'll talk to you next week whether you're dreaming about becoming a coach or just secretly thinking about it, or if you're already certified, but you worry you're not saying the right things in sessions or clients aren't having the breakthroughs you'd hoped for that I have got an exciting announcement for you We are officially opening enrollment for our next cohort of the Socratic Coaching method Certification This seven month certification program includes intensive training and plenty of space for practice and integration We've got coach practicome calls, live coaching feedback sessions, and more.