Reframing Requests and Building Confidence

You've probably eaten a sandwich when you really would have preferred to go get dumplings You've probably turned out help you badly need it because you don't want to be a burd You've probably sat in a meeting and bitten your tongue while Greg from Sales Mologed about a stupid idea that you knew would fail Your brain tells you that it's safer to stay silent than to speak up But that's because the part of your brain making that decision is only considering the short term pain of asking for what you want and enduring the self consciousness, anxiety and shame that follow Today I want to talk about what avoiding those feelings costs you When you really see it, it becomes harder to justify swallowing your words all the time. So today we are going to slow the whole thing down We're going to play out how a single moment from the smallest to the biggest can impact your life when you don't speak up By the end, you may feel called out, but that's a good thing Welcome to Unfuck Your Brain. I'm your host Cara Loenthal, master certified coach and founder of the School of New Feminist Ths I'm here to help you turn down your anxiety, turn up your confidence and create a life on your own terms, one that you're truly excited to live. Let's go Let's start with the smallest example. It's lunchtime and your coworkers are sorting out where to order from Everybody else is excited about the sandwich place you don't really want a sandwich. You know bread doesn't sit well with you. You know exactly how your afternoon goes after you eat a sandwich So here's what runs through your head in about four seconds flat. No, if I say something, they're going to think I'm being picky. They'll think I'm being difficult. I don't want tona be that person who's always going on and on about what she could eat and what she can't eat. And I don't wantan to make everyone order from a place they like less just so that I can have something different, like I'm more important than they are. And I don't wantan to go just get my own lunch because then I'm not a team player or it looks like I'm making some big virtuous statement about how I eat So you go along with it, you order the sandwich, you eat the sandwich. and then the totally predictable thing happens You spend the whole afternoon bloated and foggy, you get almost nothing done You feel so off that you skip dinner and then at ten PM, you're standing at the kitchen counter, eating snacks you don't even want You sleep badly. You wake up the next morning, already dragging Watch what just happened there. This isn't about gluten being bad or bread being a problem. It's about you eating something you knew didn't agree with you None of it surprised you. you could have called every minute of that in advance You chose a guaranteed bad afternoon and a bad night's sleep over ten seconds of feeling awkward at lunch Because you're letting your amygdala, the part of your brain that exist to avoid current danger win out over your longer term thinking. Even when the danger is not all that dangerous Let's go up a size and let's get out of the office because this pattern follows you home too You're at home and you're exhausted. It's the bone deep kind the single good night's sleep does not touch. You and your partner haven't had two days alone together since your kids were born, and you can feel that your marriage is running on logistics and not much else Your parents live twenty minutes away They adore the kids. They've offered to babysit in kind of one of those general, we'd love to take them sometime kind of ways. More than once though. All you would have to do is ask them to take the kids for a weekend so you could get away and actually rest Think about it constantly. But you don't ask because of your thoughts busy, they have their own lives. I don't want to impose They already do a lot and I don't want tona be the grown woman who's forever asking her parents to bail her out What if they think I can't handle my own kids What if they think I'm selfish for wanting a weekend away from my own kids I don't remember my mother ever taking a weekend away, so who am I to go asking for one And honestly prepping the house and the schedule so they can manage everything feels like more work than just staying home. So I'm just gonna to skip it So you don't ask And what happens is you stay depleted month after month and it starts to feel permanent And you and your partner keep trading logistics across the kitchen island like your're two managers of the same small tired company partart of the relationship that was just the two of you kind of fades away And you get shorter with your kids because you don't have a lot of resources left emotionally to be patient And you start to resent your partner and you even resent your parents a little for not pushing harder to help, even though you're the one who didn't ask them. And meanwhile, even though you're not even considering this angle, your kids are watching you Both your kids are learning right now what a mother's supposed to be someomeone who doesn't rest, someone whose own needs are one item on the list that never gets crossed off You would never, ever teach your kids this explicitly on purpose But that's what they learn because kids watch what we do, not what we say We can see the same kind of patterns show up at work You're in your one to one with your manager. And she asks you a generous question. She says, Hey, is there anything I can do to take some stuff off your plate, clear some blocks for you? anythingy that would make your job easier And you know the answer right away What you want is a part time hire, someone to take the admin load off your plate, so you can finally focus on the big client relationships and have some room in your week to actually think It's sitting right there on your tongue, but you don't say it becausecause here are your thoughts I don't want her to think that I think I'm too good to do admin. I don't want her to think that I don't care about the budget and our expenses I don't want her to think that I'm lazy or I'm not willing to work hard or I'm not a team player So you smile and you say, No, I think I'm good. Thanks And then you go back to your desk and you just keep doing all of it yourself, the paperwork, the calendar logistics, approving the team's receipts. you spend your days putting out tiny fires and you end every single day burnt out with nothing left in the tank. And that means the more important part of your job, but the ones that aren't as urgent in the moment Don't get your attention You don't have the bandwidth to come up with the thoughtful birthday gift for your most important client. So that relationship doesn't get any warmer. You skiippped the conference where you might have met a dozen new leads or made important connections because three days away with nobody to triage your inbox means two weeks digging back out and it's just not worth it to you in the moment And that means your career slows down in a ways you may not even see The partners don't see leadership material when they look at you because you've buried yourself under a work that has nothing to do with leadership. You made yourself the most reliable administrator in the building And that's exactly how they think of you now The same ten seconds of awkward you skipped at the lunch table just turned into your career hitting a ceiling It's the same habit, just a much bigger price And we do this in our most intimate relationships about the biggest decisions Let's say you and your partner are taking the next step and your partner wants the two of you to move in together into their apartment in their neighborhood And you're so excited that they want to live with you You just don't actually want their apartment You love your own place and your own neighborhood Or maybe you'd rather the two of you find somewhere new together so that it belongs to both of you in a neighborhood that you both actually really want to live in But you don't see any of that becausecause you don't want your partner to get spooked. and change their mind You don't want your partner to feel insulted or rejected that you don't want to live in their place You don't want your partner to think that you won't compromise or that you're frivolous with money right at the moment when you're taking this big step together You know your partner believes that being thrifty is how a responsible person makes decisions and their apartment' cheaper than your apartment or anything new you would find And the last thing you want is for them to look at you and think you're being foolish. So you don't say anything. You don't float the idea of maybe moving into your apartment instead. You don't float the idea of finding somewhere new. You definitely don't bring up a solution where you'd have to pay movers twice for goodness sake You pack your boxes, you move into their place And it's nice to live together, but eventually the novelty of that wears off and you start to resent the neighborhood It's such a far walk to the train. There isn't a good coffee shop. You don't like the produce at the grocery store. All the things you knew because you'd been spending time there before you moved in And then you start to resent your partner for making you live there, except they never made you do anything. You didn't give them a chance to compromise because you never asked O partner has no idea why the temperature has dropped You said, yes, you seemed fine, but now your resentment is compounding And you've now taught yourself with hard evidence that you created that your preferences don't count Because if you're not going to speak up about where you're going to live, which is a huge decision, you're certainly not going to speak up about the small stuff how you decorate, how much you spend on a couch or a vacation, who comes over for dinner on Friday each thing that you don't ask for Each time you don't speak up You reinforce the lesson for yourself that your wants and needs don't matter That's the same pattern. playing out from the lunch table all the way into the biggest decisions of your life After this quick break, I'm gonna help you understand why you keep doing this, even when you're aware of the consequences and the first small step you can take to help you stop If you've been dreaming or secretly thinking about becoming a coach But you're not sure how it works or how to coach a range of people effectively, or if coaching is even a real job Or if you're already certified, but you still feel a little shaky in sessions, especially if something sensitive comes up My life coaching certification, the Socratic coaching method, was built for you We teach evidence based coaching tools that combine radical inquiry and working with the emotions of the body to create lasting change. So you can coach with confidence, whether you're brand new or ready to fill the gaps your first training may have skipped This seven month certification program includes intensive training and foundational coaching skills also topic specific training on things like money, relationships, habits and career, plus live practice and feedback. So you're not just learning, you're actually doing and improving in real time We'll also dive into trauma, the nervous system and neurodiversity and how those things affect coaching. If you've been getting the sense you're meant for this work And if you're feeling that way, you are We will help you become world class ated it. To learn more, visit socraticoaching. com or text your email to plus one three four seven nine nine seven one seven eight four and use the code word coach training, all one word To get the link, we'll send it straight to your phone So why don't we speak up You may not have thought through the implications of these scenarios that I described in quite this depth before But it's probably not a surprise to you that not asking for what you want impacts your life and your outcomes You may have even vowed before to stop swallowing these asks and just say what you think So why do you keep not doing that because you've been socialized to believe that asking for what you want makes you trouble It makes you a burden. It makes you an imposition, a problem You've been taught to believe that your value comes from going with the flow Be inflexible other people get to do what they want to do. And asking for what you want will just get you rejection or punishment. That's what your brain believes Socialization teaches girls that wanting things is selfish, demanding, or unattractive. and that the good woman is the one who needs the least So when you have a desire or a need, your brain now identifies that as a danger Flashing red sign Right? It's something to talk yourself out of or suppress and shove down Asking requires knowing what you want, which requires checking in with yourself And that's a habit that gets systematically interrupted when you're trained to read and manage other people's needs first If you think having needs or desires imperils your safety, your connecting, your belonging You're going train yourself right out of even noticing what those needs or desires might be And even if one does manage to bubble to the surface of your awareness, it's tagged as a threat. For the part of your brain that's always scanning for danger, it's always going to feel safer in a given moment to not ask for what you want. becausecause the danger feels very immediate Whereas the repercussions are at least a few hours or even a few years away And then the pattern reinforces itself Because you don't ask for what you want, you usually don't get what you want. and then your brain learns this belief that you're not someone who gets what you want or that your wants don't matter. So what do we do about this? You know that just telling yourself that you're entitled to ask for things Do not work, You've probably tried that. That is never going to be a match for your brain flashing the danger sign when you think about asking for what you want. first part of the reframe we need is recognizing that an ask is not a demand Women are socialized to think it is. We think that asking someone for something basically requires them to do it as if they were a hostage And we think that because that's how we feel when someone asks us to do something That's not actually what asking is. When you tell somebody what you want, You are just handing them a piece of information asking for something does not obligate them to give it to you Asking is saying, I'm a human with my own desires and preferences You're a human with your desires and preferences. If we both share them, we can work through them both and see if we can find something that works for both of us Even if one of us in the end goes along with what the other one wants because they can't be combined or compromised At least we've had an honest conversation and we've met each other with sincerity and authenticity You may not get what you want every single time, but you won't have shoved down your desires and be simmering in resentment for the next decade either The second step is accepting that even though I just explained that logically, you're still going to feel like shit when you do it. Okaykay? It's gonna to suck the first few times most likely, or the first few dozen times The proble is that when it feels bad to ask for something, your brain assumes that means it is bad to ask No, those things are correlated, but they don't have a causal relationship You feel bad because of your socialization, your current thinking, not because asking is actually bad or dangerous. There's no way to fix all your thoughts before you ever ask for something You have to reset your expectations and be willing to feel bad while asking You have to decide ahead of time that you're willing to feel a little uncomfortable now in exchange for something much better later It's just like working out when you don't want to or feeling uncomfortable when you get sweaty The good news on that front is you already know how to do this. There is some corner of your life, even if it's not exercise, where you tolerate short term discomfort for a longer term win All the time Maybe it is working out, Maybe it's brushing your teeth. Maybe it's a hard conversation with your kid Whatever it is, there's someplace in your life already that you have this skill So I want you to look for that, own it that you do have that skill and borrow it in this arena. That's what I want you to try this week The next time you feel that quick little urge to delete your preference before anyone hears it Stop and notice what's happening Be honest with yourself. Say to yourself plainly I'm about to not ask for something I want. Remind yourself that asking for what you want is not a demand, it's not in aosition, it's not a hostage situation The other person has said what they want, now you say what you want. then you see what's possible. Start with a small version of this, please, so that you can start to teach your brain it will survive Be willing to experience that discomfort, but keep the steicks small in the beginning. Start with the sandwich, right? Pick something where there's not a ton on the line and practice right there Every time you interrupt a pattern, even over lunch You hand yourself a fresh piece of evidence A small one Maybe my wants do matter and can be met Because the skill you build saying, I'd really rather go to a different restaurant is the very same skill that asks your parents to take the kids for the weekend, that asks your boss for that hire you need and asks your partner to consider your point of view or perspective in the really big decisions of your life. where you're going to live, if they're going to take that new job, whether you're actually having a third kid, whatever it is. You practice it small so you have that skill on autopilot when the big decisions come Give it a try this week Tell me how it goes Whether you're dreaming about becoming a coach or just secretly thinking about it, or if you're already certified, but you worry you're not saying the right things in sessions or clients aren't having the breakthroughs you'd hoped for that I have got an exciting announcement for you We are officially opening enrollment for our next cohort of the Socratic Coaching metethod certification This seven month certification program includes intensive training and plenty of space for practice and integration. We've got coach prracticome calls, live coaching feedback sessions, and more To learn more, visit socraticoachingot com or text your email to one three four seven nine nine seven one seven eight four and the code word is coach training, all one word. We will send you the link to join straight to your phone