Advocacy Against Child Marriage

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Shop Mattress Warehouse today The views and opinions expressed on this podcast are those of the hosts and guests and do not necessarily reflect the views of LipSN or its affiliates. Guest accounts are personal recollections shared from their own perspectives. References to specific individuals, organizations or groups are presented as commentary, opinion, and personal experience and should not be interpreted as definitive statement of fact podcast is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only Hey listeners, this episode contains descriptions of child marriage Sexual assault, domestic abuse, homelessness and parental abandonment. so please take care while listening Welcome back to Was I in occult. I'm Tyler, Tyler Meson Over here is Lizi Acuzzi Today, we continue Valasa's unbelievable story of for Time in the Hari Krishna movement. If you want to call it a movement I would have another word for it, but we rhymes with bols b Halt, which isn't a word It's still rhymese. Gold O gold. So this is obviously episode two of her remarkable story. If you haven't heard episode one, go back and listen to it. We'll wait Okay, you're back. That was very quick. H How did you do that? Super student your listeners Yes, this is a tough listen. This is a hard episode to listen to, but you know what? Living it was tougher And I just w to thank Valas again Thank for trusting us with your story. It was really an honor to just be the holder of space for you. so Thank you And now a little recap of what happened last week My name is Valas. Grew up in the Har of Kristas, No meat eating, no eggs, no onion, no garlic. seex is only for procreation. You renounce everything. You renounce your family. When I was three years old, I was sent to boarding school. There was no care for these children zero. My mom and I went to India She's not like me. Nobody else in my family had red hair, so I'm weird. My grandmother said, just don't marry her off when she's thirteen. So I was ten, there was a festival and this random guy shoves me down and violently rapes me I No idea what had just happened to me. And my mother says, I found a husband for you. Well that we kept suums it up better than we could have. so Let us stand. And that is where we left off last week Today is where we learn how this incredible woman survived and became the warrior Badass Badass That she is today Yeah. I use the word bada. I mean, come on That it's pretty rad Um Much like the previous episode, we are going to Keep our speaking to a minimum Yeah, thank you for all that fan mail saying that you much prefer Tyler, just to look pretty That to look for happen Did we actually get N saying We appreciate you're not talking Okay Okay, good. good we will listen to the people if the people want that Then the people shall have that. they're gonna to get it right now. Welcome. Yes, they are. Welcome back to the show, Velas kicked away You're raised You're groomed from the time you're born that your job is to cook and sew and clean and birth. And so that dynamic only fits with you're going get married and you're going to be a wife and you're gonna be his servant And so that was the trajectory that my life was on. And so when she said, you're going to get married, this guy doesn't know And so you got to get married now before anybody finds out. Well, he did know. I quickly was informed by him that I know And I'm doing you a huge favor So I was like, oh, I'm lucky that he's willing to marry me given that he knows that I'm ainted, not a virgin. Um So About a week after that, I was sat next to him getting married off He's is white had Dark hair. He wore white clothes, which is what somebody wears if they're open to getting married. If you wear orange clothes, you're You're renounced. You're not doing that. So The temple in Vndaven is a huge temple and there's a huge marble courtyard in the middle of it where ceremonies would take place. The Glden Templplees in West Virginia and that's called New Vndavven so it's There was a normal ceremony. this type of thing wasn't necessarily a party about the bride and groom at all. It was just an official officiating ritual. and My husband and I sat On the floor There's a fire sacrifice ceremony. And I amm not in my body. I'm going through the rituals, I'm going through the things I have to do too get to the other side, I don't like any of it. it's all very uncomfortable And there's hundreds of people there there's probably about thirty people that are also having another ceremony, our marriage ceremony was sort of thrown into the mix So and so was called on and given their initiation and then the next one and the next one and then we were just part of that. And so it's like, okay Wedding the Guru says, Who gives this child away? I think it's possible that somebody's mother might stand up occasionally and say not my daughter notot my mother He didn't Um she was glad to be rid of me theory We're sitting next to each other on the floor And then at some point I had to stand up and I circle H seven times saying that I would Follow him for seven lifetimes and all that bullshit And like the ceremony's done, but it's not like a partarty kind of thing. It's just Done And later At night, he took me to the guest house Um And it was painful and traumatic. And weird. If you want to just be semantic about it, you could call it consummation And I can just call it rape for myself because What the fuck I mean He was entitled to do whatever he wanted to I'm a child and you're an adult and you're sleeping with me. Let's call it rape He just wanted to have sex and That was my duty so where the Verndavin temple is pretty expensive, but about ten minutes walk away is the cow barn, which is called the Goshella And the cowbarn had some living quarters And that's where married people lived And so my mother was living there with my brother And So that's where My husband and I were And right after the wedding He says I'm going to go to Italy and see my mother. was already planned And so he leaves to go to Italy And that's when my mother beat the shit out of me with the brush because she was like, I can't stand the fact that you still exist in my life. I literally gave you away and here you are But he came back in June and He said, we're going to go traveling So his job was He would sell life memberships. And so we traveled around India selling like memberships. And We traveled for about a year So he came back when I turned fourteen. and then At some point, he came back and said I don't wantan to be married anymore So I'm going to take you back to Verndavin and drop you off. I'm not set or dt And At some point when I look back Rrospectively, I'm like, yeah, he probably got to the point where he was like I'm tired of babysitting this child and decided to drop me off and maybe marry somebody his own damnage So this train ride From Bangalore to Delhi was someomewhat of an awakening It's actually something that I want to do again. I want to take that train ride because it felt like freedom I wasn't quite fifteen yet R I had this Past. And now the future seemed to be different And I couldn't quite put my finger on what that meant for me. by I knew that I wasn't going back to my parents. I knew that I wasn't going back to a girl's boarding school. and I didn't have a husband anymore. so it was really interesting So he drops me off and In the temple, there's a guest house. And he took me and Checked me in. it was eleven o'clock at night. And he went back to the men's Ashram And I never saw him again And The following morning, the guest house keeper let himself into my room and raped me So I then went back to the Gshala, the barn that is where they the married peopleople and I stayed there and My Daily existence was like this, likeike, what will be my life tomorrow My mom was now back in the states. And so I was on my own I'm in one of these stalls in one of these cells that are at the barn. The ground is concrete and there's like P dung and straw on top of it and you sleep with a mosquito nut Whver you I slept for like To weeks And I would get up When it was dark out and so I would go to the outhouse and then on the way back, I would pump myself a jug of water and bring it into my Stone go back to sleep and I was really, really sick And I thought I was going to die. I had lost sight and I I couldn't get up at some point. I'd lost a bunch of weight and I was really, really sick. and somebody found me. I didn't know I was there or they didn't care that I was there. But a woman did find me And I was barely conscious. They got a rick shot and took me to the And As we got there, they were like, oh She's got malaria, it's fine And I'm laying there on this G slab in this. you know, village clinic and I was just like Dear God If you exist You will let me go done I've been a good devotee I've done everything you've asked and I would really like to die because if the objective is to get to Godhead, I had done everything I was supposed to I had submitted to everyone who took anything they wanted from me my entire life. I was I was ready to die And I didn't die And that's how I know God doesn't exist because if he does, he's just a sadistic fucking motherfucker Okay. so if you're not a fan of baseball, you've probably heard the name Shohei Otani because he is arguably the best baseball player of our generation. Some people would say I have my debates about that, but the guy is ridiculous. He hits, he pitches, he steals bases. I mean, right now his ERA is when I wrote this, his ERA was under one, but he gave up three runs today. So it's slightly over one And what does he credit as one of the keys to his success, Tyler? Please say it's beer in the morning. Please beer in the morning. It's sleep Otani sleeps about ten hours a night ten It takes a nap, a two hour nap before every game You're telling me that if I slept for twelve hours a day, I'd suddenly develop a devastating curveball. But it might be easier to listen to. I am talking about sleep and one way to get better sleep is to upgrade your ratty ass sheets. Alan. Right, Allan I feel like we're about to talk about Bowlen Brch. A am I right? we are Because actually we love Bowlen Branch and Bowolen Branch makes incredible organic cotton sheets, pillows, blankets Also, I'm loving their comfortor. I don't know about you, but are you loving it? No, I love it. I absolutely love. The clloud one. Yeah. ye. Yeah. 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RX only go to rad. co slash safety for serious side effects and box warning associated with GLP ones So I recover from malaria And My mother D So this young woman asks my mother if she can take me traveling. And My mother agrees. She's in her early twenties. She was of Indian descent, but she was raised in the West, so she was probably born in the States And she's a devotee and she takes me and we start traveling, we go around India for a couple of months And she gets us into these amazing Beautiful places I Trading me and her And She pimps me out to all of these rich, rich palaces that we stay in And so I don't even realize initially, I'm just like, oh, yeah, sex is the ticket punch to get into whatever My body is commodity how I'm going to survive now I know it's not allowed and I know it's not part of the principles and we're not allowed to do that, but this is survival And it's okay if we have sex occasionally, it's okay if there's onion in the food and it's not offered. It's okay you know, so we're slipping away from some of the things that have been very, very drilled and indoctrinated into me. And I'm fifteen years old at this point. and I'm like, There's a whole world out there. like if these small morsels of exposure to the outside are mind blowing, I can't imagine what it's going to be like if I leave. And so After we get back I was like, ye, I'm out I'm out. I'm done there was a boys Ashram at this school and now I'm like I'm done with rules. I'm talking to the boys. These are boys I've known my whole life that I've never spoken to. And so I start talking to the boys and they're telling me stories about Who's doing what abuse? to him and So I wrote a letter to the headmaster I wrote this letter in whatever kind of chicken scratch non educated English letters I could Muster I wrote what the boys had told me The boys had said, this teacher is doing this and this to this student and that student and it was really devastating breaks my heart because All of the girls and the child marriage and the rape and the abuse, like We're not forgetting the boys And I'm like, I know What's going on in your school? I know and I hope you all fucking burn I got a ricks shot right outside the temple walls And I took it to the train station and gotot on the train and used my hot commodity to survive for the next few months Uh So almost immediately, I'm like, All right, need a place to stay I know how this works So I got exposed to Western ideas. but still in the context of India I spoke Hindi, I watched Bollywood movies, I had Tons of friends And I was in Delhi for a while and then my parents found me. and much to their chagrin, they took me in. It was very much me just rebelling and saying, you have lost all rights and privileges to demand anything of me. You married me off He left me I'm uneducated I can't get a job What am I supposed to do? But also don't tell me that I need to be a devotee anymore because That's off the table I'm done sucks to be you that I'm not eighteen and you're still responsible for me. So they kept me. My mom like avoided me at every Turn as much as possible And they ended up enrolling me in Calcutta International School And so this is like essentially the first time I'm really going to school and I'm Very lost But I made friends and I tried and it was interesting I had friends and we played in a band and we made music, and we would ride motorcycles in Kalkuta. I had a bicycle. I would take my bicycle everywhere That lasted until my parents found out. somehow that I had had a pepperoni pizza I was sixteen And I walked in our apartment and My father said takeake it to the States for you You can do anything you want with your body, you can sell your body, you can Do whatever you want, but you will not kill animals for your own sense gratification And that's the that's the limit You can't do that So here's a take it back to the states. and a hundred dollars hundred dollars. They gave me a one way ticket and as far as I was concerned, they didn't really give a shit if I died So now I'm on a plane go from Kada Bombay to for wait to New York to DC And I finally land in DC and It's ele o'clock at night So I had to find somewhere to Sleep. You know, I could have, I could have gone to the temple I could have gone and slept there and eaten there and I refused I just knew that Every horror that had happened in my life so far was a result of that I was like, I can't. I'd rather live on the streets And so I was homeless So far, my understanding of the world is that My body is my ticket I had been told my whole life that my body existed to serve Men and gods You use your body to serve And so I very clearly understood from both Be in Vari Krishnaas and having left. All men are equal in that aspect. They just felt entitled to my body. Yeah So the only reason I slept with men was so that I could have somewhere to sleep, not for money. So I never took money But I was a very sexual teenager I'm sure there were times where I was like, sure. yeah Let's have sex I'm not going throw a blanket over every single sexual experience I had. and say it was like non consensual And I was very sexual and I did want to have kids I had a different idea of how I had you know, a fantasy of somebody loving me. By it I also I can't imagine that I knew what love was I had never experienced it from anyone Hey guys, I found the only gift that dad wants this Father's Day. Gold Belly. Goldbelly ships the most iconic foods from the best restaurants across the country straight to his door for free. Let him relax and enjoy award winning barbecue from Texas, epic deep dish pizza from Chicago, or colossal pastrame sandwiches from New York Dad feel like an absolute legend this father's Day and go to goldbelly d. com to get twenty percent off your first order with promo code dad. That's gooldbelly d. com code dad You ever get the feeling the city walls closing in, the concrete jungle suffocating your soul? You crave wide open spaces, the chance to connect with nature, Mbe chase some elilk. fish a private dream. Well, listen up, there's a whole world out there and finding your own piece of it just got easier. Head over to land. com They've got ranches, forest, mountains, you name it. Search by acreage, location, the kind of hunting or fishing you dream of. land. com It's where the adventure begins Okay, we are back. Now. Just because Valas left the Hari Krishnaas doesn't mean that the movement disappeared obviously. In fact, today, the Hari Krishna movement looks much different than it did during its airport chanting Heyday of the nineteen seventies What was once seen in America as a Finge counter culture movement has evolved into a global religious organization tes, schools, restaurants, festivals, and millions of followers and supporters worldwide Millions with an M. M modern members Simply view Iskhan as a devotional Hindu community, center on prayer ennchanting and service and the worship of Krishna. So after former Hari Krishna children began speaking publicly about the abuse in IsSCan schools They did make themselves more mainstream, and the organization now says it has safeguards Yes, But we don't judge a high control group on this show byy what they say on the brochure Do we No, we don't. and Colts they love a brochure. love. They really do. love it.. Funeral homes touristy spots and cults. they pretty much have the brochure market cornered, don't they The brocherure is the same as a pamphlet, right I think a pamphlet might be a little longer Alright. Uncertain I don't know the pamphlet versus brochure debate. I think we need to go into that at some point, N today. Not on this episode on this episode But we do judge high control groups by what happens to the least powerful person in those groups Children especially the children Because if the basic message is still surrender, obey, don't question and, don't leave. Don't doubt. Don't put your own needs above the mission, then I don't care how pretty your temple is or the festival you have with the colors or how good your vegetable samosas are. Yeah, sure maybe the cat got groomed Maybe the cat got a better website. Maybe the cat has a great social media manager now and does live stream Kurtan But if the cat still scratches children and calls it spiritual enlightenment then I still have a lot of questions about the cat So I was living on the streets of D.C. I got a job as a hostess at the American Cafe in Georgetown and I ot a fake ID I've figured out how to survive. I don't know. I did the same thing I did in Delhi I met some people through the grace of some very amazing who did help me and did not need to sleep with me in order to let me sleep on their couch. an amazing man. His name is William Nelson and this was a forty something year old black man and he had a studio apartment and he would let me sleep there if he was working the night shift somewhere because He knew that it would bad if I was there when he was there at night And that man was probably my first introduction to a shred of decency in my fucking entire life. Very sweet man and at some point I had been fired from the American Cfe because the manager found out that I was actually sixteen. And so I got a job with Time Life Magazine selling subscriptions and didn't do very well there because I'm completely uneducated and didn't know how to say street names properly So I was between jobs and I had signed up for a Temp jobs I couldn't rent a place so if I could crash on somebody's couch or I was just on the street and It's really rough I would try to find a place to hide tuck in somewhere where I couldn't be sound It was the middle of the night on Christmas Eve And I was standing at a pave phone and I called my grandmother who It was in California And said, I just wanted to say Merry Christmas. And she says, Oh, you know, what are you doing? Where are you And I told her I'm in DC and I work in tempt jobs and trying to figure it out. And she says, well, you know, if you want to come here, I can loan you the money for the flight And my mother had specifically told me not to go there. I wass like not listening to her anymore anyway. So A week later, flew to California. and stayed with my grandmother for a year. It was wonderful, really. I got to be in a bed. I had my own room There was electricity and heat the water It was really cool But ultimately we would fight over my mother My grandmother didad spend a lot of time defending my mother. and I was always very confused about that And I would say to her, I was like, look at who I am, where I am How can you defend this My mother and father did keep in touch with my grandmother and I refused to talk to my parents they would call or she would be on the phone with him and I would be like, abbssolutely not. They abdicated responsibility for me and I went out and figured it out the best way I could. U The breaking free part was hard because I had Culture shock from number one being in the cult bubble And then being sort of exposed to modern society but in India. So I was trying to figure it out. I watched every television show that I could come across soap operas, sitcoms, everything because I was like, what is this world? You kind of have to know some pop culture references to even have conversations and not seem like a weirdo I'm sixteen. Am I supposed to go to school? I feel like I can't really go to school. I know so much about the world and about life and yet I know nothing about education so I got a job And I was working as a receptionist in a I and app appliance place in Pasadena I made friends with people there and they introduced me to this guy And he was actually a refugee from Central America. I ended up getting into a huge fight with my grandmother over my mother. And I ended up leaving my grandmother's house and I ended up on his He lived with his mother and father and two brothers And so kind of accidentally ended up together and I ended up pregnant And so I said, we can't stay in your parents one bedroom apartment with me being pregnant and having a baby So we moved to San Francisco And that's where my daughter was born I went into labor and my landlady who lived upstairs she took me to the hospital and dropped me off and I was in labor for about ten hours And I told the nurse, I couldn't do it that I changed my mind J's like that's not how it works, honey I have a picture of right after My daughter was born and I literally look like I'm fourteen years old. I look like an infant. and I question whether I had the right mother skills. But I was really desperate for this love that she was gonna Give me this child Every single pain and suffering and lack of love that I had ever had on this little brand new baby girl She was gonna to be everything I needed have her so that I didn't kill myself And it's really sad for me to look back on it because I put such a burden on her right from the moment she entered the world In the meantime, backtracking a little bit, my sister had gotten pregnant while I was still in DC and my parents convinced her to give the baby up for adoption. I was very angry about that. She had given my niece up for adoption. So There were some rocky times ahead with them too, because they hadd now come back from India and they were back in the States They moved to the east coast and I was still in San Francisco And I had started to take a medical assisting course to you know, work in a hospital And I did really well Sockingly me I was now qualified to get a job and I was eighteen And I I told my parents that I would like to move back to Maryland and could I rent a room from them with my daughter and my husband. We got married right after she was born And so My parents agreed I came back, but my mother was like, if your sister comes over, you have to put the baby away like fold it up and put it in a drawer likeike what do you want? What it it's duct tape? what it How do we Yeah, we don't want to make my sister feel bad for my parents' decisions but I did live with my parents for a year I got a job in a hospital. Now I'm making money. I'm paying rent and I'm trying to figure out my life. and my daughter's father decides that He didn't want to live in Maryland So he left and he went to Florida and she was eighteen months old And my parents had moved about an hour away Again, one of those things that they didn't have to do I had spent some nights living in our car, me and her And then finally found a room to rent And then on her second birthday He u came back to visit And so on my daughter's second birthday, we had gone there to my parents and much to my surprise My mother had invited My daughter's father and his new girlfriend were visiting. And so I'm going to go back to my place, sleep, and then go to work in the morning and I'll phone because they're all going to be at the house and hanging out So I called the next day and I said, Yeah, how's it going? How's Phobes, right? And she said Oh, well I really thought it was best if her father took her back to Florida. because his girlfriend can can takeake care of her while he's working and you don't have any business having a child That was pretty crushing. But there were voices in my head that kept telling me that my mother's right. and the parts and my head in my entire life that have said your mother is right, are my biggest regrets I, um I thought I didn't deserve her I ended up gettingetting a phone number for him and calling him in Florida And I was crying at work one day and one of the doctors said, you know Why don't you go see her? And he gave me the fucking money to go see her This doctor bought me a ticket to go see her But the The confession part is that I I did go see her and I spent the night on the floor of his apartment just holding her and and believing my mother I believe that she should stay there. I had no I had no way to have her I was alone and And it wasn't treading water I was drowning probablyroably one of the biggest regrets in my life I came back and I remember standing the Miami airport and shame. that I still feel to this day that I left her And then they moved, and I didn't know where. Um so now I have to make My life worth something It can't all be Just pain and inter separating So I have to make it worth it I'm Hannah. I've lost seventy five pounds in twenty months with GLP one s, plus diet and exercise. On Row, I've gone from struggling to run a mile to running farther every day. You can access FDA approved GLP on s online. Get the support you need to reach your weight loss goals. Go to row dot co slash weight to see if you qualify. I'm a paid Row partner. twenty percent average weight loss in one year in non diabetics with obesity or overweight with a weight related medical condition, versus three point one percent in placebo arm. All that's only. to stay informed about serious side effects, go to rowot co slash safety Allright, listen up. The only gift that any dad wants on Father's Day is Goldbelly. Goldbelly ships the most iconic foods from the best restaurants across the country straight to his door for free. Let him kick back and chow down on award winning barbecue from Texas, Epic deep dish pizza from Chicago, or colossal pastrami sandwiches from New York. Make dad feel like an absolute legend this Father's Day. and go to gooldbelly dot com to get twenty percent off your first order with promo code dad That's twenty percent off at gooldbelly d. com code dad a year later. It's now nineteen ninety and So I was dating another guy I met him at the hospital He was a Firefighter And I told him I'm going to get my Daughter back There will be no us kind of family without My child, I owe her before I Oh myself a new life So I'm calling four e one to ask. anybody by his last name and he had a last name that is Similar to Jones' likeike I'm calling, asking Anybody named Bob Jones in Florida in California And u I think I called fourteen hundred numbers. and Fally, u found him at his mother's house And I had somebody drive by to see if they could see my daughter And they did. So at Christmas, we had gone up to my parents and I announced to them that I'm going to get her back. And my dad offered to loan me the money to go fly to California, which is where I found her. And so I Bought the ticket. And u Got all the u muster I could find and walked up to the apartment complex and she was playing out front And she came running up to me as if She had just been waiting for me to pick her up And she was like, oh, are you here to Take me If toldghter ye, I'm gonna take you home And I said, show me where your grandmother's house is And they knew I was not a stretch for them to be like, Ohh, she's here. I mean, I'm sure it was very sad for them that her father wasn't capable of being in touch with me. so it was gonna be this way And as I'm leaving, we just grabbed like her favorite doll and And as I'm leaving to go get in my little rental car, I see him walking up the road. And I said, I'm taking her. I took her home And no word at all from my daughter's father ever So I introduce her to this man and he was good to her and I ended up marrying him. He owned his own home and he had a job. and He liked me And we were together for ten years Tim more s. I was always really conscious to try to make sure I preserve their childhood And I really wanted them to be Kids. and I had some really good structure with them. I really celebrated everything that they wanted to be for themselves. listen to them and I didn't judge them for any of their choices or actions or mistakes. I didn't shoved dogma down their throat but exposed them to as many things as I could so that They would have all of the information I did a good twenty years of like serious self work. L I had severe PTSD, I had P nightmares. I had anxiety, depression, I was triggered by everything I would see other people smiling and I didn't understand how they could do it But I had gone into therapy few years before that and was starting to work through a lot of my childhood and Lening who I was But My husband, you know, he used to get mad at me for talking about anything involving my child that, Oh, you're just such a You know, just sensationalism. You're just trying to just shock value and you're just trying to say things to people because they're like, oh my god, really And I'm like, okay, but oh my God, this really happened. I don't know what to tell you And it was just annoying that I had a past or a life or anything outside of what he thought our life should be. he didn't even know the kids. I mean, he just worked all the time And We weren't happy. He was he was a miserable person Anyway And you can't make somebody else happy you can't he threatened to leave for years. One day I was just like, okay Just go and When I divorced my ex husband, I bought our house from him I was a single mom working a part time job with three children. And I was like, I'm not going to displace my children And so I really had to figure it out on my own They got to see their dad all the time and it was really hard in the beginning. No them at all So he figured it out and he did step up And then I, um really did some self examination and decided to and quQuickly. realized that I could have happily gone my whole life without ever having sex with a man and I would have been perfectly fine. I missed the good young lesbian days of my life, but I feel like I was so naive and I didn't Any concept being able to Be gay. I didn't know anybody that was a lesbian. There was only Men and women Women serve, men are in charge And so it wasn't for many, many years before I was like Oh right, the part where I'm attracted to women Um, that actually couldould be a thing Could I have that life? My mom had now moved to Idaho and my dad had moved to New York and they had gotten divorced. So long gone.. They don't they really can't their brains around the fact that it's a cult. They really can't say cult. in about nineteen ninety eight There was a lawsuit against Taharyi Krishnaas that the kids together And we hired this attorney and he filed a four hundred million dollars lawsuit against the Hari Krishnaas And during that time, I did a lot of interviews for magazines and articles and news outlets and Glamour magazine had done an article And I called my mother and said, they want to interterview you And she said, no, I'm not going to do that And I said, listen I've never asked you for anything You didn't raise me I've never taken anything from you. Can you just do this for me And she said Do you think you're the only person that has ever been raped She said, do you know why I've always hated you Do you know why You are filled with anger and rage and nothing but hate It's because you're a product of rape, and that's why I've always hated you. Interesting. I always wanted to know the answer to that question, but I never knew that I didn't actually want to know the answer to that question And I put the phone down and I didn't talk to her again for years. and talked to her for years. She called me many years later, happened to be on Mother's D And I said, you know I was wondering what I would say to you if you called me today And I said, I just would like to say thank you for not drowning me in a bucket And she goes, well, you were a cute baby. Oh, thanks for that My dad is A wanderer. We connected ten years ago We have bandaids. And I really appreciate our relationship because it's something It's not only something, but it's enough know that I need more My mother's pretty fucking legendary, as much of a monster as she is She went back to school. She would have been late forties and got a degree in underwater geography and got a job with NoA and was working as Fucking underwater geographer mapping the fucking Olympic coast on a boat probably seventy something when she retired I found out from my father that she had a brain tumor And I hadn't talked to her in a while, so I tried to call and a message and she didn't answer and I was like, okay. Done Not doing this And I told my dad, I was like, she's not answering the phone, she's not answering text, and I'm not going to force it And my dad said, Well, are you sure you're gonna be okay, not seeing her before she dies And I said, can you tell me that she will be nice to me if I go there. She's a monster And she doesn't deserve my forgiveness And so u She died in November of COVID twenty twenty And of course my heart was broken. and a friend told me that now that she's Dad She is free to love me unconditionally now. And she's not bound by the confines of whatever made her the monster she was. and that bizarrely gave me. a lot of comfort because that's Probably the only way I'm going to get loved by my mother is to create a scenario where that's possible So I had actually met a woman through another friend that I had worked with, and we were just friends She was living in another state and we would talk all the time and just kept flowing. it just kept feeling right and she ended up moving up here and One day she's like, We should get married And I was like, That's like the best fucking proposal I've ever had We had our ten year anniversary and I was like, so are we We're still doing it So easy. It's a song, easy like Sunday morning, you know And that's who she is I would not be sitting here right now if it wasn't for her Like hurt. supportu is so Ltely opppposite everything I experienced in my life. and I didn't think I was worthy. that somebody would love me and I created The person that made me worthy And it's not an accident. I feel like I'm doinging the right things and my heart is in the right place U I have a real estate and property management company. We manage about a hundred properties in Maryland. When I took my broker class I was under the impression that I was not smart enough to do this and then took the exam and I passed and I cried all the way home I've believed the lies. I've believed Everything bad about myself that I've ever heard and I've had to prove to myself that they're wrong. I am successful I am competent and confident. I am in charge of my bills, my life, my home, my happiness My existence I'm in charge of my mental health, but I still strruggle every day but there are some Things, some damage. That will never be repaired. And there's just holes in my soul that will never be healed I will never see justice for what happened to me as a child I will never see justice. My life. So I have to create justice if I can But I am in a place in my life where I live extremely intentfully and on purpose. I look for joy. I look for humor, comedy. I steal away drunken lunches. I have amazing friends. I have an amazing circle of people. I have amazing clients, I have an amazing wife, An amazing home, I have a very curated, intentful life I appreciate everything around me. I question everything I sleep well. I love very deeply and I feel like I'm doing pretty good Like I fucking love my life Maybe we should all live such a life reggardless of how it started, just to say it out loud can L my life Yeah, like the loss, can we Claim that statement, canan I? Can you can we or at least just work towards that statement or at least say it out loud If nothing else to maybe convince oursel that it's true. Ficket you make it kind of thing, right? Right fucking love my life I fucking love my life. I fuckking love I fucking love my life. fucking love my life. I fucking love my life Your turn, people, say it, Say it with us. C go. Louder canan't hear you There it is. And feels good. There it is. Yeah. Fucking love my life It'd be cool to be a rock star and just like say something and be like, put your ear out like U And then everybody goes U and you're like, I feel they' sayay it back! And we're just here on some podcasts going, Say it back to me invisible person driving in your car. Yeah, and there's Becky in her Toyota's Turcell. She's saying it out. saying it. You can't hear me I see you, Becky, I see you We feel you. Re you Thanks, Becky. Thanks Becky. H's on the road, Becky. Now I want to be a rock star. Maybe I should be a cultator has not sailed. You know what I mean? That ship has not sailed. Now just to finish the outcome of the lawsuit, Veloss earlier spoke of. After years of legal battles, the case was eventually settled in two thousand five Fmer students were awarded roughly nine and a half million dollars through a compensation fund that was established as part of the agreement, but once that was divided amongst all the kids, it didn't really come down to much and the lawyers who obviously took their share. Now look, To be clear, no amount of money really fixes a childhood, but for many survivors, the settlement represented something they hadn't received for decades which is acknowledgement. And for Valas, she continues to fight like hell to make sure the same shit doesn't happen again. In fact, when I reached out to her a couple of weeks back to let her know we were releasing her episode, She was driving home from Ohio after attending a protest to end child marriage She said they have a bill that has received no opposition and yet. They will not advance it Former students were awarded roughly nine and a half million dollars through a compensation fund that was established as part of the agreement But once it was divided among all of the people, it didn't really amount to that much I'm extremely fortunate somehow to have survived all of the things. And now I want to make sure that My experience can prevent others from suffering any kind of childhood tragedy So my mission and passion at this moment is I'm very actively involved with the National Organization to End Child Marriage in the United States and several other organizations that do work in that sphere. and There's just absolutely no good reason at all ever. For a child to be married isn't a reason. No No, there isn't a reason at all. and I'm quite disappointed in our country here, Tyler, and even more in our state of California because I don't know if you know this, but the state in which we reside still has no minimum marriage age with parental consent and court approval. And they are New Mexico, Mississippi, and California A. But across the country, the laws are kind of all over the place. There are a group of states that have banned child marriage completely and because we're going to reward them. We're going to share them with you, Delaware, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Minnesota, New York, Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, Michigan, Washington, Virginia, New Hampshire, Maine, Oregon, Missouri, Rhode Island. If you live in those states, you're here Good job, but that's only sixteen. It's only sixteen DC has also fully banned child marriage for the record But there are thirty three states that still allow some form of underage marriage. likeike what the hell, America? What is going on I mean, Europe isn't necessarily out of the woods here either. Now the trend is moving towards eighteen, no exceptions, but the rules still vary by country. and in Australia, there are loopholes for sixteen and seventeen year olds to marry On the whole, it is a bit stricter than most US. states But why Why? Who are these rules for I believe Because what girl wants to get married at fourteen Noatter what fourteen year old has any clue about anything at that age I mean, if we were getting married at fourteen I would have married the soccer player that I was infatuated with t him and I went to an Amerdam and I probably would have married him Right there in the gas station where we made out drin our h It would have ended well What if Long lasting love. I mean, it's it's insane People shouldn't be allowed to get married. until at least their brains have fully developed, which Guess what? is not even eighteen by any stretch of the imagination No, nor do men's brains stop notot ever What age two men's brains stopped developing? Tyler? Baseball Here are some harrowing statistics. A acccording to Unchained att lastast, nearly three hundred fifteen thousand minors were legally married in the United States between two and twenty twenty one. And eighty six percent of them Take a guess. We're girls and most were married too Rum roll, please, adult men aboutbout four years older on average And almost sixty seven thousand of those marriages happened with an age gap that would have been a sex crime if They weren't married Right. So no, these aren't kids. Wanting to marry for love These are kids who are stuck in something thing not good. They're either pregnant or they're pressured or they're escaping abuse or they're trapped in a cult where the adults decide marriage is the answer Let's figured out, shall we? America, get your states together Its just this just doesn't make any sense. We will leave you on one piece of good news if that's even possible with this subject Oklahoma. Oklahoma just passed a full ban. so it's set to become the seventeenth state. to completely outlaw child marriage When the law takes effect, of course, on november first of this year. So California, take a note from Oklahoma never thought I would say that, but I'm saying it here Yes you are, Yes you are. Now that is a bit of tiny hope in a really messed up situation, but it's just not enough on its own. So if you want to help push for eighteen no exceptions, you can donate and you can find out more WwW. unchained at last. org and toahari. org T H I R h d. org Those are organizations that are on the front lines fighting to close every loophole in every state. Marriage should be a choice made by two adults who are actually adults Not two kids, not a kid and an adult. Not a teenager whose parents, pastor, guru, judge O community has decided that this is what God wants. And it is most definitely not to be used as a legal loophole for abuse Damn dro drop your mic Can you drop it?ust drop it If I drop it, I won't be able to read the credits Also, I won't be able to fill the audience in on the very important breaking news The difference between a pamphlet And a brochure I was wrong. A pamphlet is smaller. It's usually one page A brochure is more of a trifold. It has a tri line. You give a brochure to a geographic designer or a pamphlet you create wor Yeah. It's a page. can Print it out, hang it on the on the office board that says verybody, I'm having a barbecue this weekend. come, That's kind of a pamphlet. maybe not