Reflecting on Trauma and Connection

Welcome to We're Talking. In this episode, Lorna Lux shares the deeply personal story of her relationship with her late husband John, from a chance meeting on a night out to a love that felt certain from the very beginning Can we talk about John? Yeah. Because there's so many the I mean let's talk about how you met John . Because I saw a video with John describing how he met John. Really? Yes. I must have seen this video. Yes. But meeting John , what was that moment when you met him? Because you were still at Virgin. Still at Virgin. Okay. And I'd done a four-nite Antigua and the crew I really liked the crew on that trip. And I remember there was a guy on the crew who was quite uh he'd been there quite a a long time, he's a bit older, and he was like, I'll set you up with one of my mates,. like L youike're gonna be fine. You don't need to date that sports guy. He he was a cricketer and this guy loved cricket. Okay. And so when I told him I'd split up with this guy, he was like, Oh well, he was rubbish at cricket anyway, so you better off without him. And I thought, I like you, you're a good guy. And so that Saturday, that weekend, when we got back from Antigua, me and a couple of the girls on that flight decided to go out in Brighton. And we went into a bar and I spotted the guy that was on the flight. Not planned. He just happened to be there as well. Okay. And he was with John, that was his friend. And the story, as John says, is that he saw me walk in the bar and he was like, I couldn't like take my eyes off you. And so I said to my my mate said he knew he knew me. And so he said to Steve, can you introduce me to that girl? And so he said, Yeah, come on, we'll go and chat to them. And I couldn't understand why this guy was just chat talking at me. And he was going through a divorce. So he was talking sort of trauma dumping and like like really offloading. I was like, oh my God. But very sweet. And then we went to a nightclub and they kind of hung on. We were like, we're gonna go to the club now. And they were like, okay, we'll come. And I ha I remember having about sixty quid left in my bank account. And I said to John and the other guys, I was like, Oh, can I get you a drink? And I don't think John heard what I said. So I just went and got them drinks. And then when I brought the drinks back it was like forty quid so I was like when I got twenty quid left now for the rest till Monday and I remember him saying oh you didn't have to buy me a drink and I was like oh no I wanted to and I think he was really touched by that and so he said, Can I have your number ? And I was like, no, but I'll have yours . And then that very night when I got in, I texted him and just said it was lovely to meet you, and that was kind of how we met. Look at that. Look at that. And then what happened next? Because I think that's the part in everyone's romance story that we want to hear. Because that was beautiful. Yeah, that was cute. That was cute. That was that was cute. That was cute. But then what happened next? Yeah. How d how does the relationship actually form? So he was quick on the texts. Okay. And so once he had my number, he asked me on a date. He gave me options, which I now realize is a very John thing to do. It's not because he's not confident, he's just you know, these these are your options. So the t the text message was so long it was like an essay. Okay. And I remember just replying back, brown Oh, so he gave you options, different restaurants. Yeah, and I was being cool and like whatever. And I liked that he was over keen. And I remember I arrived early but he'd already been there an hour waiting. And he'd got a bottle of wine, not a glass, and I liked that. I was like, This guy's confident. And he's older, he's twenty one years older. So he had an innate confidence about him that I just really was attracted to. And he was ki very kind. I mean that's the takeaway from anyone that meets John. He's just genuinely kind . And we just got into this rhythm of dating and every date we, would always go back to his place for a nightcap. And I would never stay over. But when I left, there would always be a gift. He'd always gone to somewhere, like he went to Space NK or he went to, you know, Loxitan or wherever, and he'd always get me some kind of beauty or skincare goodies in a little bag. Wow. And this went on for weeks. And also, the cab back to his was eight quid from Kemptown to Hove. Oh my goodness. But he always gave me a £20 pound note when I got in the c ab. And I at first I just thought, oh yeah, I'm just dating this older guy, like it's a bit of fun, like kind of thing. I'm not really, you know, it's not gonna go anywhere. But then slowly I really started to like him. And I was like, watch, I do quite like this guy. And this was obviously fresh off the back of me splitting up with my ex-boyfriend, so I was looking for somewhere new to live. And he was going through a divorce, so he was looking for somewhere to live. And so I would go house huntinging with him and he was look at these extravagant, beautiful places. And then he'd come with me looking for these rentals that were like really bad. And then one day he just said, Why don't we just buy together and I'll get Now now how long had you been three months. Three months, okay. And um he was like, but I'll get my lawyer to put into writing that you can just if you want to walk away at any moment, you need to take your money. And it's cool. I I respect that. And any equity that's in the property. And I was like, well, this is a good deal. And his lawyer as well was a bit like, John, why are you doing this? Um so we did so then that was it. So I remember I t expressly told him that when I'd bought my old flat with my ex-boyfriend, that that was my dream road. I loved that road and I was gutted that I was having to move out and move somewhere else. So he found um a really beautiful apartment on this road and he took me to see it and I was like, My God, this is amazing. And he was like, Good, because I've just made an offer, should we buy it? And so he kind of bought my dream home. Wow. He wasn't he wasn't playing games. I'd say he he was not playing. He was like fellas, take notes. He was not playing. He wasn't. And he always says, like I knew from the day I met you that you were that you were it for me. That was never letting this one go. And he was just so determined. Yeah. Which I really respect and admire. But for I think a lot of people, like until my mum met him, she was worried. Like she was listening to these stories down the phone. She's up in Manch ester. And she's like, Who's this guy? Like, I need to meet him. And then when she met him, she understood. Sure. But you know how so it's interesting because I can empathize and sympathize with how John moved. Yeah. Because I didn't have those resources, but that's how I moved with my wife. Yeah. Very intentional, not playing around. Uh I want to express how serious I am. And I felt like I was in love day one. Yeah. You know, I feel like that's exactly where where John was. Oh, he totally was. But for a lot of people, they'll enter a relationship with someone who is love bombing them, you know, it coming from a uh nefarious position. So how did you know what John w you know, what he was doing? How did you know that that was authentic? That it wasn't an act I didn't give it too much thought. I just really trusted him straight away and felt very safe with him. His brother um is epileptic and was is a year older than him, but has pretty much lived in an institution or a care home since he's been a kid. And the care that he showed his brother like blew my mind. And that empathy he has for his brother, I think has built has made him into the man he is today. So he's got a naturally caring way about him. Okay. And always wanting to do he'll do anything for anyone. He'll give any anyone anything he's got. And I liked that ' Icause I th really saw that was quite an admirable trait to have. Okay. And it made me feel good to be with someone like that. Yes. That was just really quite a nice person. I I like that word that you used immediately. I felt safe with him. Yeah, I did. Yes. And he would just protect me from everything. And he I felt like this guy's just gonna look after me. Mm-hmm. And this is a solid person. Yes. And you know, we quickly got engaged and quickly got married. How long? I think in total a year and a half from meeting to getting married. Okay, that is quick. Yeah. That's qu Were there concerns from any friends or family members at all? In der neuen Paramount Originalserie Dutton Ranch von den Produzenten von Yellowstone verlieren Beth Rip und Carter ihre Heimat in Montana. Doch sie geben nicht auf. In Rio Paloma wagen sie einen Neuanfang, voller Risiken, Hoffnung und harter Entscheidungen. Erlebe deine Yellowstone Lieblingscharaktere in einer völlig neuen Geschichte. Ab dem 15. Mai exklusiv auf Paramount Plus streamen. No, I think I didn't have massive family and everyone that had met him seemed to really like him. My friends , they were they were just quite self-focused at that period. They were people that had their own lives going on, their own issues. Quite dramatic. Had quite a dramatic group of friends. Yeah. So they weren't really bothered. You know, they were looking forward to the party. The wedding was gonna be good, right? So they liked and also John was very generous, so you know, they enjoyed being around John. Sure. You know, he'd pay for everyone's dinners and there was always champagne in our fridge. So it was always, you know, we were a good a solid friendship to have. Yes. And yeah, no one really expressed any concern. I think his his dad a little bit did, and his dad's wife pretty much said to me, You sh you shouldn't do this. You're not thinking this through. She was kind of keen to dissuade me. And I think maybe that came from experience because she was married to his dad and she was the same age gap. Oh tw enty-one years. I think about that, yeah. So I think she was trying to say, look, you know, it's great, it's all hunky-dory now when you're twenty-five and he's forty-six, but wait until you know you're sixty and he's eighty, there'll be a big difference. Yes. And that's what she was in . And I couldn't I couldn't really understand that. And I still can't to be honest. Yeah. You know what's so interesting about that is that there is research to suggest this, something like this. And what the research shows is that where you see a large age gap, so 10 years or more, in either direction , what you see is much high satisfaction or higher satisfaction in the early stages of the relationship. Yeah. You know, it's not to say that the relate that the satisfaction level goes down, but it just to goes to show that the satisfaction in the early stages is higher than if there's no age gap. I think because you're teaching each other things, right? And he said I I made him feel la alive and there was excitement and you know he used to take him away on lots of trips. He loved my lifestyle. And he in turn made me feel really safe, really cherished and loved, and genuinely gave me the breathing space to dis to try and figure out what I want to do in my life. And certainly obviously I was battling an eating disorder. Right. But alongside that, I was also growing as a woman and growing in confidence and, you know, he encouraged all of that. Yes. And it wasn't you can't do this or you can't you just wanted to help me do whatever I wanted to do. Yes. Now you were so at that time when you got married, how old were you? So I was twenty I got married on my twenty sixth birthday. Oh wow.. Okay Okay So you were twenty-six. So he was forty-seven, forty. Forty-seven. Yeah. Right. Twenty-six, forty-seven. Now, at that point were you online at that point? Or no? I was on Facebook. You were on Facebook. So there was no one saying, look at this age. No, there was no one. No one. No one critical about that relationship. Okay. And you didn't feel you felt like it was it did matter because you're with someone who you love . I had reservations in terms of I'd never other than my nan and grandad, I'd never really seen a marriage last. And I remember my bri desmaid saying to me outside the door before we went went in, she said to me, Well, at the end of the day, if it don't work out, you can just get divorced. And I was like, Yeah, no, I'm not really worried. And I in my head, and I've told John this before, that's how I approached it. I didn't see it as a lifelong commitment the way he did. I saw it as a well, this'll do for now and it really suits me and I really love him. But if that things change, it's fine. And it's only as I've been married longer and longer I recognize that actually that was a stupid thing to think. That's interesting. And it doesn't make any sense. This is so interesting to me because I believe that more more and people view marriage as you viewed it going in. And that is that this thing that we have is disposable. So we can walk into it and we can walk out, It was like a mortgage. In the way I looked at it. Yeah. But then there's other people. It sounds like this is how John thought is John sounds like he his thought was this is this is it. Yeah., I did Now you mentioned that he had gone through a divorce, so he was married previously. Twice before, yeah. Twice before. Yeah. So what was so walking into this one, your thought is that I did uh he always said to me, I've never been in love before. I promise you that. And I believe him. Or at least the love he experienced with me, he'd never felt before. So I never felt as though it was, you know, for him, he likes wedding cake, you know, it's just another jolly. I really did believe he was committed to me fully. And I liked that feeling. Yes. There's something really lovely about having loyalty and that person that's never gonna drop drop you. You know, I'm never gonna be chasing after John down the driveway. He's always gonna be there for me. And I I thought I could see how important that was, and that's what I needed. Yeah. You you just mentioned you'll never have to chase him down the driveway like you did your father. Yeah. Do you see any connection between your father walking out when you were four and your feeling of comfort with John being twenty one years older than you. Do you see any connection? I actually see more of a connection with m with John and my granddad. Okay. Because my grandad was that sav ing person that cuddled me when everything was going wrong and I would sit and eat, you know, rubbish food with in the evenings and watched snooker and crap tele . So he was my comfort. And when I met John, I always thought, because grand ad had died by the time I met John, but I always thought you're a lot like my grandad. You've got a similar personality. Yes. Calm, like very sto ic, very rel you know, reliable and charismatic. Yes. You know, he was he ticked all those boxes for me. Yes. And even my mum has said I can see, you know, those similarities. And so I never I I never put him in the realm of my dad. If anything, my ex-ybofriend was reminded me of my dad. There definitely must be daddy issues going on here, but I've n I've always kind of like kept them away from John because I don't want to spoil you have. what What I have, because we've had it for so long as well now. Yeah. I don't want to ever think badly of John or because it's won't be it won't be him, it'll be me. But I don't want to tarnish what is a really good relationship. Yeah. No, I mean clearly , you have love. Yeah, we have to do it. A lot about someone based on the images that they post online. I truly do. Even though we're all trying to present the best representation of ourselves, there I think there's certain things that you could read into someone's profile. Um and it was it's it's interesting because my wife and I, we were going through yours, we s did this long stalk of yours. And I said, you know one thing is clear, she loves him. Yeah, of course. And he loves her. Yeah. And I say and there and that there is no question. No, there isn't there's no question. And um but I but I I when I think about your story, I think there is a parallel between John and your father . I'll tell you this is that there's a a researcher, her name is Doctor uh Margot Maine. Okay. She has a theory called father hunger. Oh God . I know where this is going. Have you ever heard of this theory? I haven't, but just those two words together. Where do you think I'm going with this? That craving for the perfect dad, right? So it's not the craving for the perfect dad, but it is specifically when a father has abandoned their his family. Yeah. Typically before the age of what? Five. Okay. The child craves safety . Yeah. Emotional connection . Sta bility And if they if if when the father leaves and that doesn't happen, they spend the rest of their life in search of that. Yeah. And typically they end up meeting someone who's much older. Gold. Ten , fifteen, twenty-one years. And immediately what they see in that person is different. Because there's other people that could see someone who's 20 years older and say, oh, look at this icky old man, you know, this perverted old man. Yeah. But there's others that quickly see stabil ity , safety. Yeah. Structure. And I believe that's what you saw very quickly. I totally did. Yeah. And I loved those things. I mean, obviously, I still like I fancied him. He was a good looking guy. We had a lot in com mon. Yes. Like we love the same art. We love the same jokes. Do you know what I mean? We finish each other's sentences. He has his own language that only I can understand. So there's that but that a lot of that's built right over time. But there was an initial moment of yeah, I felt immediately this is perfect. This is what I need right now. Yeah. Because it's not been the best couple of years. Yeah . Um Um but I would do that all over again. Like that's one relationship that I would you know what I mean? If I was given lots of different avenues, I would always do the the same thing. Yes. Why why not? I mean it goes to show that when we go through trauma in our lives, that there are there's a silver lining cloud to it. Yeah. There's a blessing that could come from it. And the blessing for you was that you've met the love of your life. Yeah. You know, who you may not have maybe formed as quick connection with if it wasn't for that trauma. True. And if you want to hear the full unfiltered stories from today's guest . You can check them out on the We Need to Talk page. Drop a like, leave a comment, and hit subscribe. See you next week. Du willst dir nicht nur den Gang zum Supermarkt sparen, sondern auch noch 30 Euro? Mit dem Code HALLO30 bekommst du jeweils 10 Euro Rabatt auf deine ersten drei Bestellungen bei Flaschenpost. Einfach in der Flaschenpost-App oder auf unserer Website Lebensmittel und Getränke auswählen, Code HALO30 eingeben und wir liefern direkt bis zu dir nach Hause. 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