Grief and Moving Forward

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Everyone around us knew. It was some crazy love we had, but we also had some very dark moments together. It was fire with fire. When you have a partner who's struggling with mental health, it's incredibly hard fromom your position. What happened today Until this day, I'm like, surely someone is gonna wake me up and say, it's a bad dream. Like he would never have left our darted river. I go, Mommy loves you. Yeah, but you know that look like crazy Amera. You know? you look incredibly human to me. You're going through a lot, but when you think back, is there anything that you want to clarify Before we begin, a quick note that my conversation with Missy includes discussion of the sudden passing of Jake Hall Now we talk openly about loss, grief, and its impact and some viewers may find parts of this conversation upsetting please watch with care We've listed support resources in the episode description I just want to acknowledge how appreciative I am for you to come in Thank you. I'm so pleased to be here in particular, because I know that this has been a very challenging period for you especially as of recent. and your former partner Should I say recently passed away Yeah. u we're still just literally weeks from that incident and probably a week only from the funeral. Yeah And so for you to come in is highly appreciated And I know that We all deal with grief differently And for many of us, having these discussions Is that one of the reasons why you wanted to come in and talk U yes, I'm super honored to be here and to meet you and You know, I felt also you were the right person to talk to because I think you have a very honest conversation and you bring some really beautiful stories and people feel very comfortable with you. So I felt that you was the right person to talk to And yes, correct. We just had the funeral literally a week ago I think still like till this day, I'm like sureurely it's not true. Like someone is going to wake me up and say It's a bad dream. like It's not happened It feels so hard to except that He's gone It's it's It's killing me. Inside he he seemed to be Um not only everywhere involved with so many things. Yeah. You know, and I definitely want to give him his space and talk about him in detail. But I was I mean, I was aware of Jake You know, I was I came to the UK in twenty eighteen Okay And I became aware of, I think the first thing about Jake was his first clothing brand. Yeah, yeah, preview. prereview. Yes, exactly. Yes. It was everywhere. Everywhere. everyveryone wore it. was Incredible. Yes, Yeah, Yes. And that's where I that's where he really first hit my radar. Yeah and then just became impressed with his artistic Yeah because he was because I know he came from sports. He did. Yeahah. he was a football player first. Yes. but it was I think it was his artistic and creative abilities that really impressed me Yeah. but we'll definitely go there. Yeah. we'll go there Can we, though on you Yeah Can we do that? C we can we go? Whatever that means, Let's go. Like let's do it. Let's go I want to go to a place I have never been. desperately want to go It is a top five on my list. Yeah. Sweden Oh my Godd, you have to come I show you around Please. It's amazing. Can you tell me about? what it was like Crowing up. community that you grew up in So Sweden is very Very safe very Nice, very green veryer spacious Everyone kind of cares for each other and I love my childhood. You know. And what was the village that you grew up in? Malma. Malma. It's Malmar. Malma. Malma. All right, so now the nerd and me went And I researchedm Valma. Yes. And what the number one thing that blew me away was that so the district is called Sk. Skoronner. Yeah. So Skor has roughly one third of Albanians who live in Sweden live in your district. Yeah. Obviously like there's a lot of Albanians, but they're very like spread out. They also a culture they keep together So, you know, it's nice for my family because like my mom's sister's uncle you know, my uncles are there, they're they're children and It's a likeike half of the family is in Sweden. Okay.. So I'm curious then Growing up or now when you reflect back. Yeah, do you feel like you had An Albanian identity or Swedish identity Or did you feel like you created some kind of third identity for yourself I love this question because this is always something I notot struggled with, but it was always like But she's Swedish, but she's Albanian, but where is she from? but who is she? but what is, you know, and it's hard because you know being born in Sweden especially at my time There was no Albanians then because it was very early in the eighties. And I was only surrounded by Swedish people. There was a small community of Albanian and foreign in general They was all Swedish people. And that's all I knew. And I grew up with Swedish people and Obviously we had like some cousins. My mom then got to know more people and my uncle was there because The reason why my mom went to Sweden was because her and my dad was having a little bit of issues. And my uncle was working in the government in Sweden And he said, Why don't you guys come here and have a break You know, maybe you like it head And they loved it there. so they stayed And you know, my mom was young, I think she was like thirty thirty twenty nine or something like this when she went to Sweden and then I'd go to Albania they're like, o, you're not Albanian, you don't even speak the language. They're like, Oh you need to learn how to speak properly and because they're very patriotic and you know I love them for that because they're amazing people. It was an out of choice, you know, like because I grew up in Sweden. I was in school, my friends. So I did feel more Swedish, but I felt since I've gotten a bit older kind of can see that You know, your jeans are your jeans. And I'm very proud to be Albanian. And I love it. you know, I love it I love it there. I don't go as much as I want and I would like to, you know, I would love to go with the kids and show them, you know, where mommy's from. And I've always felt a lot of people always like, but you're not Swedish You don't look very Swedish. you don't you know, how's that Yeah, but but Yes. It's always been that for sure. Yeah. And then also I understand that that ring up, what was it in school, was it challenging for you or We're not so much I loved like I did really enjoy going to school and I enjoyed like I loved my friends and, you know, I was always looking at my mom. She was really hard working, my mom She was a schoolteacher. so she was a very like inspiring woman. And I always kind of felt a bit sorry for her because she was always working and I remember always with groceries and You know, she was a very strong woman and And I always looked at my dad and I thought laazzy bastard. And he was a bit more laid back my dad, you know, he would um He would like take work off whenever he wanted, where my mom was very you know, hard working women. att home, sometimes it wasn't always like the safest place. you know, my dad will have kick off or He was always very loud and I'm quite a sensitive person and I don't think my dad really understood or knew me as a child home is typically where we are where we feel safe It's normally a refuge Yeah, right. So if it's not a refuge We have to seek that somewhere else. Exactly. And for you, it was school But then you mentioned that you did have some challenges though while you were at school. So what were those challenges It was just the challenges for me was the focus. Even though my mom was a teacher, she was an amazing mom. But my dad, he was brought up very different. It was a different culture for him. He didn't understand like She's mentally not in a good place. She's stressed out. I need to talk to her. I need to give she needs love. You never met my needs. U and It really has damaged me I've never done this before Sry. u'm I just think generation of parenting, it's like I don't think they do it on purpose and I don't want to blame him because I feel sad because he is a good man they don't understand how much effects your future becausecause they wasnt taught that and it's not their fault but I feel like a lot of Choices, decisions I've made in my older Missy was because the litter missy never was didn't get the hug, you know? and he's taken me thirty eight years to unpack that because I never understood What was my issue? Getting to your teens then it is the boys, right And what do you do? You seek validation and attention and That's kind of the journey how it started for me because I was like, a little bit different to my friends. You know, I was skinny, I was I had a mw, I had really like light brown big hair. Um And I always felt like that the guys was looking at me Ging up, like in school. Looking at you howouse up. Like they wanted to talk and they wanted to kind of befriend me. Okay. So growing up, I always kind of felt that I had male attention but never from my dad It was almost like My dad was Give me attention but almost like a punishment really unpack country is explaining it was more like He would give me attention when he wanted to. Like when he's done something really bad or shouted at my mom or you know, when he thought, okay, I took it too far. I see But it was never just, o, let's watch a movie or let's go for a walk, or You know, just like normal parenting skills and and he just didn't have that. And I come I can't blame him for that because I feel bad to blame him for that But at the same time, It was big problem in our household You articulated that very well. because you gave him grace I saying D what he could with what he had. Yeah, exactly. And the circumstances that he grew up in was probably even more challenging. Yeah. I don't everything he's got a hug as a child either. Yes. But then at the same time You were very clear that you needed more You know And I think that you also did a very good job at indicating how not having unconditional love. Yeah, that feeling of safety, how that put you onto this journey of seeking validation. Yeah Could you speak a little bit more even about that? Be I think that's a journey that so many people have gone on Yeah where you didn't get that Validation from your father, you felt you were getting attention from boys at an early age Did you lean into that that okay, how so? So while I was in school I had TV programs who did this Next hopma of Sweden. Okay. I went to onn your own. No, they approached me on the street. Yeahah. Okay And then they asked if I wanted to come on this TV show to become Like you compete to become a model kind of thing and I went on the casting and then I got on to like closer step to that I think there's like fifteen girls they choose. Okay. But then I didn't make the last step. And I was like, I'm not sure. This is for me, but I think I thought quuite liked it but then It didn't happen And then I was like I'm actually going to see if I can get some like part time job in the weekends to get some money in And then this is where I start traveling to Copenhagen So good. Malma connects us to Denmark with a bridge. Runzberun is called. Actually, my dad was working on that bridge. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Be my dad worked with steel So he's he was helping to build that bridge. Okay And he I start traveling to Copenhagen where I got a job in this like clothing store So I was working there in the weekends And it was a big city, you know, I was a I was like, okay, this is what I'm going to see what this is. and then eople used to come into the store and see me there And this is where kind of my life's My second life started because I was Um approached by like agents and people and you know, girls, guys, whatever. It was a big city. It was like step for me and they approached you just off of your look. Yeah. They just saw you. Yeah. They said, look at her. Yeah. and literally agents would walk into the store Yeah and say You need to be a model. Okay. Yeah. I think also a lot of the time is because of my mom It like kind of stuck out a little bit. and I had big eyebrows and you know, Yeah, it looked a bit like different to average person, I'd say I mean, either you loved it or you hate it because some people also didn't like it. They're like, what the hell is on her face? Remove that thing. But otheraser it off. So it wasn't like always lied. How much of it because Cindney Crawford's before your time? Yeah, right. I think You know, I'm sure people have said that you are Cyindney Crawford as Similar, right She had them all as well similar features, Do you think that part of it was as well Yeah.. I think part I think because she like I was young and they were like they look very alike. so it was like When they started to doing my books, they tried to make me look like her And, you know, he she was absolute I mean, she still is to this day I absolutely love her It was a big change in my life. You know, I came from a little village in Malma with my life crazy dad, my hardworking mom and And then I was in a big city where people's asking me to be a model. I'm not How was this happening? Yeah Like what is going on But did you view that as A way to escape is a way to So and I was like exactly, this is what I wanted out. I knew there was something more. We have conversations just like this one every week So if you haven't already, hit follow and the bell icon and I'll see you. the next one So then what happened? what was the first gig that you got or at what point did you feel like, okay, you're now a full time? model So I had this lady called Jackie. She owned one of the biggest she still does owns one of the biggest model agencies in Copenhagen called Unique mododels And she walked into the store and She was like Who's that girl? you know? And I was like she kept looking. I was like, and she looked very cool. She has a very veryer unique way about her And she was like, you need to come into my agency. And I was like,, Okay, she was like, yes, I want to see you Please come in. I was like, Oh She's like, I promise you that you can do this full time. You don't have to work in here. Oh wow. And then I started like getting like small gigs like U catalogues and I'd never done it before.. So everything was very new for me. As a model, you start quite young, you start when you're like fourteen And I started when I was like Almost nineteen. Okay. So for modeling, that's quite old wet. older. Yes. So I didn't have any experience more than my cousins, my families, everyone being like, Oh, Missy, you should be a movie star. Missy, you are Julia Roberts I always had these comparisons like growing up, but in my like family and M Malma community. Yeah, but that must feel good. They just watched TV, you know, they didn't know that mean to actually be on TV and Not my dad though Never my dad It was always like family and friends. and what about your mom? Yeah, she was very supportive, my mom. But then career seems like it took off fairly quickly. Yeah Yeah, it took off like instantly, really. So we start getting bookings in and My agent was like, okay, you going there, you going there. And then I started traveling. So outside of Sweeden. Yes And then we were, you know We were doing swim in Milan. We were doing this in South Africa. We was In New York, u We was in a lot of countries shooting. And we were in Germany and For me, it was always like always had She's missy, but she looks like She's missy, but she looks like interest Yeah. She's missy, but she looks it's like I never actually had like she's messy and that's her. This is just who Missy is always had it It's meissy but she looks like My whole career, I had this and So for me, sometimes it was a I love to hear it, but Sometimes it was also a little bit hard because I was like But who am I And then you go back to that Ch feeling again when you're like Am I being neglected? L am I not good enough?? Um So I did have always in my career But when you think about your career in particular, I mean mododeling, I think, you know, it wasn't until I talked to Miranda Ker. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll never forget how she described her career. You know, she talked about how the view is that it's incredibly glamorous. Yeah. but how much hard work, hustle and how grueling it is to model. Is that how you found your career? Was it the same way I mean, it is it is like a day in the office It's it's not like, you know, you you watch over you see all the when he's done, like there's a whole team behind all this imagery and We all work very, very hard and it's like Sometimes maybe you go through things in life or you depress or you're feeling good, but you show up and you do what you're being told to do because you have to perform. and you learn this whole performing you know, you start Beoming good at just numbing yourself and you have to just Be strong And evenven if you had the worst day of your life and you cried all morning. You have to show up and be happy on set. and that's just like What you have to do? Yeah. That what you just said that really hit me if you could expand on that numbing yourself. this is what you're talking about. Yeah. What are some more examples of you having to numb yourself as a model And the reason why that resonates with me so much is I want to say that Miranda said something similar she did. Yeahah Yeah because it is what happens. So a lot of girls like us and like a lot of my friends who are models can relate is that we Go to model apartments and we're like ten girls in these apartments And we'll obviously have our own rooms but we don't know what's right or wrong We're just going with the flow and get the schedules, we follow them and And then We wanted to have fun and we get approached by all these really gorgeous promoters who wass like, oh yeah, we have a table at this and this we werere like, Oh yeah, so And we didn't know that these guys were looking at us Oh we having hot girls on our table some like That's not Be we didn't know that. I don't come from that. Yeah. I come from a village in Malma where I don't think you could even book a table in a club. You know? Yes. that's not how I wasn't brought up like that So I was in this like wow where In this fancy club, we don't have to pay. So Everything was it was a whole new world for us see it as young girls And then you know you hear stories and our friend was like, oh my God, this happened. The photographers did this and he said that. And then you start hearing these like really uncomfortable stories. and you're like, hold on doesn't seem right. That doesn't feel right And then you start kind of seeeeing what was going on. behind a lot of our lives that there was some like really shitty situation that's what wass happening around us. Could we just to put this out if you're okay is Was there was there a moment where you were in unsafe situation that you felt was unsafe while you were modeling I didn't feel I was never in an unsafe situation, but I was close, you know, L it was not far from me, if that makes sense. Like he could have been But I was lucky enough to never Be there and you know was like, I'm forever grateful for that, that I was protected U, but I never was has never happened to me you know, I think that reflecting back There are a myriad of industry where you can see where We let people down Um, and disproportionately let women down. Yeah in these in in these industries u When you think back modeling days. Yeah, right. These are definitely some challenging moments Yeah. But what stands out as the highlight for you the moment that just you look back in your You know, you just can't believe it happened. It was surreal because it was so good I mean, I book my first is called Beer Gerson is a Danish friend. Okay and Honestly, it was a whole billboard in Copenhagen And when I saw that and I was like A I am A model now. You know, like I'm something, you know, and I loved shooting with A gym provroocateur you know, that for me is I love shooting lingerie U I find it you know It's just such a Feminine, beautiful strong, powerful and It's okay that you are a mom And you do Lingerie And I find it very empowering to kind of take back that power as a woman. that you own your own sexuality and yourself as a person And that was a big moment for me too shooting for them I love it. I love it. I love it. So those photos, do you have those images in your house No. No. I have them, but not up up. No, not up. I've moved so many times. You don't even know. Well, we're gonna to get to it. Yeah, I've moved a lot of times. Yeahah. All right, fair sponsor Huel sent me something new to try. They' light ramen noodles. I've seen healthy noodles advertised before, but it usually signals that you're about to eat something that tastes like romise But Huel is a brand I love and drink a lot. So if anyone was going to make healthy noodles that I'd enjoy, it's going to be them Let's get into this. does smell great Hold on. genuinely It's good. It's light still filling somehow and each pot has under two hundred and thirty calories with twenty five grams of protein, vitamin C, B twelve, iron, magnesium, high fiber, and twenty six vitamins and minerals The best part is that there's no effort. I mean, literally, no effort. You boil water, wait a few minutes and you're ready to eat. And for two pound fifty in this economy Fair playay Hule If you want to try for yourself, use code WNTT for ten pounds off at UKot hule d. com slash WNTT new customers only, minimum spend required offer valid for thirty days Do we Um, because you you've you mentioned him just for a moment. But we haven't given him his space as your brother Oh yeah. Because you said when you're talking about growing up, you said, we Oh, did I? Yes. Yeah. And then you said that your mother that you said you and your brother were hustlers. Yeah. we were You had to just ye here So your brother few years older than you Three Three years older, okay Um when you talked about the challenging time that you had in high school and growing up. I would imagine though that Part of your refuge though was Itas your brother? Yeah Can I show you something? Okay, There's a few things I have for you Okay, I want you to take a look at this Tell me who's in it And do you have a picture? What was happening? Oh yeah. I have All right, Now who's in that? That's my brother.. Yeah. yeah. All right. whereere and when was that taken? and what was happening in that? So we were actually in Manchester here Yeah, this is in front of my car in Manchester he came to see me there. He came a lot there because I lived in Manchester. I used to live there. Okay And he came there a lot. It was his happy place. Manchester Manchester Yeah Oh such a gorgeous mat Yeah. Crazy. Yeah can see it. You can't take your eyes off him. Yeah, I do love him what I can say is pain will remain Yeah. Um There will be Moments of light Yeah moments of, you know, when you were just Lking at your brother, you initially smiled Yeah because that's what we always did. He was like my person. And when he was taken from us It was like I had this light here and it just come' shut off It's not there anymore and of had to learn how to exist without that light I never thought I would ever be able to survive without him And I had to not judge myself that I was okay to suffer And it was okay to still talk about him And I was okay to is still post pictures of him and because I didn't want to like I just didn't want to forget him It is the roor of the canon. You know' You know, you you haven't I believe that You? have You've continuue to celebrate him They'm so tired Y Yeah like he was the one I would call, you know He was the one that would be like I messed up, what do I do here M Would you think there's two? wouldould you Like he was my person. And I lost my pur I can see how much He was to you. And I'll hold on to that U as much as you're open to talking about Can we talk about H his passing. because from what I read, it was incredibly tragic. Yeah. But then there was lots of news coverage around it with different fun Yeah So just for you to clarify from your position, what What happened to your brother So you know, like My brother was a hustler. you know, he He was social, he knew a lot of people. he He was just that guy, you know, that guy that everyone knew and He had music labels, he owned properties, he He just did so many things. Oh wow you know, in our lives in in our lives in his life U, you know, he got married, his wife is a lawyer to a kid. So my brother was like a alchemist. like we never knew what he was, where he was, what he was doing. He just did everything So When this happened, It was a huge shock for the whole family because we like We knew that he knew people and everyone knew him But we didn't understand how that was even possible that he had some relationship to all these like people other bad people and such You know, he used to come to Manchester. We used to go see games. we We didn't know we had a whole different L No one knew. So you know I just don't know tell you anyone is When anyone passes that in itself is is horrendous for us I think when someone is taken from us Yeah, that adds another level of pain. Yeah But then when you begin to discover knew things about the person that was taken from you, that in itself causes even more challenge. And I think that's why I shut down because I was like All these articles are being printed and written and blowing up, which I understand it was a huge tragic thing you know, being shot on the bright daylight in London I mean I've never heard that to happen. I've never I've never heard that to happen. So And for me, what I was seeing was like My brother is dead Like my brother is not coming back I wasn't thinking about that the media the I was just thinking How can you guys not understand We've just lost someone Please respect it please respect it Um And I never understand either how ople writes about someone that passed in a negative way which would never make sense to me ever and I will never stand by journalism who do that They write When they write really ugly things about people that passes, it's like Just let it go and like to stop is not fair to do that on a hurting family It's just not not okay I mean stop me 'ause you mentioned he was shot. in the daylight Yeah. And from what I understand was his child and his wife. Yeah. Yeah. because they were coming home from from school or Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ye ye. So so how has his family have they begun the healing journey Yeah, I mean, his wife, she's incredible, you know She's an amazing lawyer and She she's working, she's looking after those children and She inspiring them to become better And I think She's filled that void. for them and You know, it's inspiring to see how hard she's worked to give those kids are better alive So I'm very proud of her for doing that. Yeah. veryery proud of them. And also too is the from what I understand, correct me if I'm wrong here, but the gentleman who who who did do that to your brother, that he is been locked away for life. Yeah. ye. Yeah And he was for what I understand is he had been plotting that for six months. Yeah. That's not long, is it No, no, I mean no no, I mean that that is I think that is very meticulous. Yeah to plot someone's murder for six months. He wasn't even from here. He's from Sweden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He flies over here to do It's just I just don't understand how something like that can even happen. Right you know, like Like is it even safe here? You know, how can someone just like travel, get a gun, shoot someone likeike, how is that even possible? Right You know, that that's what really like fumbles me too that I'm like How could that even be possible to be happening And so I'm sure you still becausecause his children are your this are year nephews and niece. So I'm sure that you're Yeah, you livero now. They don't live here anymore. Okay. They've moved. yeah. But I still see them. I go visit them and they come here and Yeah, I see them. they I would love to see them more than I do I do see them when when they hear. You know, we have sleepovers and my daughter loves them. My kids loves them Yes. So they very close children. All right, good. Yeah. How do you go from was it literally Copenhagen to Manchester No, actually, I was u So I was in I was at the time living in Milan for a period of time because I was getting jobs there and my agency wanted me to stay there to meet like cles and castings and while I was in Milan, I My ex husband approached me. Oh, in Milan. In Milan. A, okay So we have to talk about this then 'use I thought you I thought you went to Manchester first No. I was in Milan when we met. it was an online thing Oh my go. It is online thing. It was a Facebook thing. Oh It was a Facebook thing. Yeah. That's a back in the day thing. Yeah, that's what I mean. There was no Instagram. And I did an interview in a magazine And he saw this magazine and he buys his magazine each month And they do always a page of a girl. like they do a shoot with her and an interview with her.'s a man's magazine Um Not like page three man's magazine, more like about sport, about fashion. It's a nice magazine And he saw me on this page and he asked one of his friends in Copenhagen, do you know this girl Who is she And he's like, Yeahah, I know of her because we had some friends in common He was like, you need to hook me up I need to meet her And I was in Milan at this time. So my his' friend wrote me hi, Are you coming to Copenhagen? I'm hosting a dinner. I want to invite you tryrying to like put us together, the friend Th then Anders took his own creativity Yeah, what you say in English? Yes. his own Yeah, creativity. Creativity and he's like He wrote me, I'm gonna to end up marrying you That was the first message. Yeah. Are you serious? the gate. O the gate. That That's strong. That's so strong. I'm not mad. He married me though He did mry me. So he dropped you on Facebook. On Facebook, he even said this on his speech at our wedding My first message to her was I'm gonna to marry you And he did. Wow. you know Can I say I respect that Now I think some people would say that's wild. No, I love that I love a man's man. Yeah. A man who's a man, you know I will say something similar And I've never talked about this, something similar with my wife. No way. When you know, you know. When I saw her In my mind I said to myself, no matter how long it takes I am going to be with her notot for a night. like I'm going to be with her until eternity. Yeah. I was like, this is it. And if it takes me Five years, ten years. Yeah. This is it. So I'm not mad at He just He just Yeahah, he went straight. But it is funny that you do feel that connection Yes, ye. Yes And I don't know, I can't describe it No it's just a feeling. Yes. Yeah, Yes. Yeah. So when you get this message What are you thinking I was just blown away. I think because he was so blond and like honest. And he did in fact try to go round it, I respected it and I was like sitting in my apartment in the land like Oh my God, someone wants to marry me. But But what do you do though? Be I mean You must have gone to check out his Facebook Yeah. Yeah. So He's a really attractive guy Gorgeous guy blonde tall, you know, good looking. and he And we started talking and we became friends. and You know, because I was in one country, he was in another country and we just kindind of start talking as friends, kind of feeling that lonely void for each other And um And then we met I had a job in Copenhagen and he flew in for the day just to take me out for dinner. Okay We never left each other since. That was it. That was it When you think about that, was that firstirst long term relationship been in Yeah Yeah. And I was like young also, you know? like It was my first long a relationship yet. Yeah And you were held we need Three twenty three How does it feel be in a relationship twenty three, right to automatically feel scene. you know, by someone where you had not felt seen previously U yeah, that's where we go back to that, right? Yes with Andrews what was what I felt with him, I felt really safe Um he had some really way about him that made me feel very safe. And u And he saw me and he And he saw me in a different way. It just felt really good to be around him How How quickly were you two engaged and then married Everything went really fast. So I was in Milan, he flew back to Manchester and he said, I think we were talking every single day on the phone. And he was like, you have to come here. come visit me here And I was like, yeah, okay, we made the time and then I flew to Manchester And then he said, I don't see why you have to go and do all these castings. You know, because kind I kind of told him what my life was And that I was like tired and you know, there's been some situations this happened. And he was like, so you're not leaving until they book you for a job because I don't feel comfortable you doing going on these. Oh wow. See you had already told him. that you felt uncomfortable Yeahes so because we spoke all the time on the phone. I would go to work or go to a casting. I' be o, here we go again. These guys try and talk to me again. or there's are an email or you know, whatever. Really? And I would tell him about everything And then he He was like, I just don't feel that you should go anywhere to like Be with me. he's looking at your safety Yeah. He's playing football at the time. Yeah. Okay for Manchester United Manchester United. Yeah. Okay. And he was the goalkeeper. Yeah. he was the ame with Diger the same years. yeah. Okay. So at this time I would imagine he's making decent income. Yeah. So his point was I'll take care. I'll literally take care of it. Yeah So what did you then do? Did you then stop model No, so I still kind of I was still a model. And I if I got like direct bookings, then I would Like my agency, Denmark will fly me out And then obviously when I started dating him, no one in England knew who I was So then everyone in England was like, Wh's Andrew's new girlfriend? So then I start gaining publicity in England. Okay of like Who's this new? girlfriend. and and then Obviously the English model agencies was like, who is this girl And why don't we have her here? So then I start signing with like agencies here Okay. Now how did you find press here because I you know, there's a stigma sometimes that comes with the girlfriend of a professional footballer Yeah, you definitely. So so how did you find that reception? What did it feel like I mean, it was new to me, you know, like because I was never a famous girl. You know, I was doing my job as a model, but I wasn't a famous model. You know, I wasn't like cover of magazines, I was more like The hot girl then I became famous for being Anders Uh wife, well girlfriend and then we got married. and We obviously was living together very fast because he also didn't know anyone here. because he just has moved here And you know, every event we had, everything, it always became like who is Anders's girlfriend. I mean, we had a beautiful life together Like we really did have an amazing life and We He proposed to me when I was pregnant with my son Arson And he asked me to marry him. And we got married in Mauritius bad Not bad. And it seems like it's a whirlwind. So from the time you met him to you're pregnant and married, was how long? Very short. Yeah. Yeah. I think we got pregnant the first like within a year Okay. And then we You asked to marry me while I was pregnant So that was like the same kind of year And then we had the wedding Jillian was around six months Um and then Then we separate it So so so now Before you separate though Is this you join the real Housewives Yeah of Cheshire. Yeah Okay All right that year was like Pal', bring that up. Yeah, exactly. No, it's okay. Yes. Okay, when they reach out to you What do you think? I mean, is it something that you're excited about or reluctant? I was To be honest with you, I was I mean, I lived in a I had a beautiful life with Anders and, you know, we loved each other very much. and And he was never at home You know, he was always away. he He was having games away and t many times you felt like I was a single mom and And then when the show come I think Well, maybe this will makeake me a little bit busy And we get busy fill a void and we get busy as a family and we do something together because they wanted the whole family. So Andrew was also in it. Okay. Yeah And I was like, maybe this makes us get busy together and you know We show our lives and maybe it'd be fun because I was I remember the shows from America, like the housewipes of Beverver Hills and yes. I was like, maybe It's probably like that and it's fun and it's nice to watch So can I say this is so I went in this research, I went and I watch some clips. you in the real Housewives Ches I look different, right? or no? No, I mean, I think you look pretty much the same. Yeah, you look very close U But I'll tell you what stood out to me the most What stood out to me the most is you seem to be Um very reserved Yeah, because that was insecure Almost as if it was Ething was a problem. Yeah So this is who This is who I was. like I was always in a sort of like paranoid or like I wasn't at ease. Yes, yes, I agree. It didn't look like it was It wasn't. Yeah, No, it wasn't easy because I wasn't at ease in myself at that time U now why so though? Because they they approached you first, so my Fr everything I already know about you, I would have guessed you would have denied them. However, when you said, You know, I was alone for most of the time. I was open. I understand. You wanted some activity almost gain some purpose. Yeah Yeah. So here's a project. It forces your husband to be on the project I get it. Yeah, right? Yeah. However How did it when did it go from excited think it's going to be of value and easy And then you find out it's actually not. I actually think that the show was a bit of the riff of our family. Like I think that kind of also ruins something in our marriage, to be honest with you, I've never said this before out loud. But I do think that the show did ruin our family. And, you know I hold accountable and he holds accountable. both hold accountable, but I think because we were on the show and I wasn't feeling really well and He was not feeling really well and then we were in this public eye and I had to express what was going on in my household on the show Obviously that's not fair either on him And we just came to agreement that it was best that we separated. and That's what we did And you know, he's a great man and we are very close. and I am veryer close to his wife. We really get on Now, obviously we haven't always got on, but we buildil a beautiful relationship you know, these shows Um can be the best of a career but the worse of a career. Yeah. And I just distinctly remember. so the first project I ever did television project U was in twenty ten No And back of that project, the production company offered Both my wife and I Oh like a tag along a follow on show. Yeah, where it would just be our family. Yeah. At that time our first child was born, boy. Oh yeah, because he was it' great TV, right? It's great TV. have this new family. Exactly. And my wife distinctly said no, sat me down and said This will be the demise of our relationship Wow. She protected you. If we do this show. But I didn't see it. No, because you don't see it then. Yeah. Because when you're in especially in our industry, when you're in the media and you know, with our jobs, like you modeling film roll, whatever you're just used to cameras being there But then someone like Anders, obviously is also used to cameras He just wanted to play football So for him, it didn't make a difference for him. He just wanted me to be happy. So he was like, Missy, if he makes you happy, you know, I don't need this But if this makes you happy, I'll do it for you I don't agree with it. And he did tell me, he didn't he didn't agree with it And then once we started filming, I was like, I felt that I started to change Also towards him. And it's almost like my old life was back You know I was like, oh, yeah, youre working well I'm working too. So I was The old may see again. I see it I see it. What about project for uneasy Where did the challenge come for you I think what was hard with filming was because I knew what was going on at home, but I wasn't fully exposing it on the show And a lot of the time when we film They film a hat. So we filmed six months prior And I've already moved out of the house. and you know, a lot was happening And me and Andreers was no longer together. And my show was showing on TV as if like I was still in a relationship And we wasn't So That was really challenging for me. when we separated And obviously with my son, it was hard to do because we did U One week, one week, one week, one week U Great dad, amazing dad and We did one week, one week, and then obviously after we separated, he He started paying less and less and less. and You know, he's retired now that whole period when you think back Do you regret doing The real Housewives of Cheshire I just I never regret anything in my life. It's crazy I say that, but I think everything that's happened in my life has led me to who I am today. I think That's why I don't regret anything in my life because Everything happens for a reason Because if I regretted Anders, I would never have my daughter I would never have my jake. I would never No would unconditional love means what meanans Jake had was unconditional love Maybe we was in together And we was in a match for each other, but we had a fire that no one can t away we were like magnetic Can can we talk about Jake? Yeah because and also if you can clarify something because you just said that you faced a lot of judgment. Yeah U and one of you know, one of the accusations is Okay, she left Anders for Jake. Yeah, right And maybe that comes because of how quickly it went. it went very quick. Yeah. It went. But if you can clarify What happened? When did you meet Jake U When did all those events happen I mean Me and Jake Metver, I think this is just how my personity you can can you see the trades? Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I was gonna say, ye, absolutely. I do see them. I'm very like all in or nothing. That's kind of just how I am, you know, either I'm fully in or I'm fully out. I'm never in the gray area I'm not like And I don't know, this is just how I'm buildilt. I'm not in this Gay area. I'm like, okay, are we together? Are we jumping this and we in love? And that's me done. Are we together? Are we in love? All right. If not, no. Yeah. L I need passion. I need I need fire. I need, you know, and I feel with with Andreers and with Jake I've had that So then When did you meet Jake, how soon after? your separation, did youet Jake And how did you two me? Me and him We come across each other on Social media. Okay And then he had friends in Manchester, Jake. Okay Um, So he was visiting them and then we would kind of show up in the same restaurant we're like, Hello And this is how it started. It was very like organic Yeah. And when you saw Chakepe. for the first time in person. Did that fire set in You know Yeah you knew right away. Yeah, he was a beautiful man, you know, he was very attractive very fun Um, and he Yeah, he was very electric Yes. Yeah. Yes And so and I'm sure he felt the same towards you. Yeah. At what point though, does he make it clear to you that he's He's an to you Ver L fairly quick. yeah. Okay. Fairly quick. I think it was instant. Again, we were unseparable So we started talking and we never stopped talking. Now Jake at that time, he was on Tawi Yeah. the only way is So he told me he's left it Yeah. Okay. But he was still on it. I think he was still on it. he was old filmed before I don't know. I did I never watched it Be because becausecause I understand Uh, that He was on somewhere in the news, maybe for ten years. A long time. A long time and has he already launched his clothing brand Because that's really when he came on my radar. so Yeahah, I think so twenty twelve. twelve. He founded preview. Okay, yeah. so he had preview then yeah. He did have preview. So so we so he found it in twenty twelve. And what was interesting too, is I didn't realize they sold it to JD Sports Yeah, but that was recently, he sold it to JD Sports. Yeah. So he'd been building it up the whole way. So So you saw the the buildup and it became quite popular. Yeah It's everywhere. Everywhere. Yeah. Everyone loved it. you know, it was It was an amazing brand and he had so much to give. likeike he could see things that no one could see. you know, this is Jake was like that. He had this magic about him that He was just trouble how to articulate himself And this was he a big Downfall for him, if I can see that It was Like he had the magic and the connected everyone, he He was actually One of the most intelligent men I've ever been with and got to known in my life And it's just his frustration to express it, you know that sometimes he couldn't quite get across But if you knew him, you would know what he He means. Okaykay You know but you'd have to Know him you have to know him. Yeah because he could and sometimes get he had so much in his head It had so many ideas, so many things he wanted to do so. So sometimes he just got a bit too much for him Allright let see. Yeah, it got a bit too loud in there Yeah. All right. So then how quickly after you started seeing You then give birth to Rriver Uh Pppy A year and a half after Okay. Yeah. Okaykay So when you found out, that you were pregnant Yeah, right. What were you thinking? I was My first thought was like, okay, this is too quick and I was like, we don't know each other that, you know, we've not been together that long and Ive call a family. I've just, you know, not long been separated. I have You know, my son and There's a lot because we were doing like one week Manchester one week London. So there was a lot of traveling And Jake was like, no, we're having this. He was insisting to keep And I was like called his mom and I was like pregnant And I didn't know how people was going to react. and Everyone was like, Ohh my God, that's amazing. I'm so happy. and You know, we had everyone's support Be and you know, thank God for that. Yes Yes, ye. So you had you see everything happens for a reason. Yeah, look at that, lookook at that. and your family, your family support as well. Yeah So so so you have Rriver, all right? Now you were Dating But now you're not, I mean, you're in a committed relationship, I should say d,'re d. Yeah we're committed You're committed. Yeah, ye. I always like to bring up the marriage question because sometimes people say Marriag is irrelevant But here you were previously married. Was that a discussion for the two of you Marriage No, u He did propose twice, J. Okay, he did. Yeah, he did. Yeah. And what did you said no? I said yes He proposed to me weirdly in Mauritius. Okay. I got married to Marci'. He didn't know Oh, okay. And then we went to the beach and in there this like Violinist, tell you say? Yes. Violinist. Yeah. Violinist. And he was playing and I was like, o my Godd, that's so beautiful. So I stoped running I'm still not understanding. it's for me. I was like, oh my God, that's so beautiful. So I grab my phone to go and like film it And he's just looking at me like, ' I'm really like that. L I really appreciate some small things. Yes. And he's laughing because he'sgh obviously it's for her. she's not understanding it. And then we Ill run off and then he's coming like on the other side and there was a whole beautiful like You walk to the beach and they put this like hut up with candles and like everything. and then Above that It says a sign, wouldould you marry me So I'm I was like, o my Godd, you've done all of this for me And it was like really cute. He wass like, Yes, baby I love you M And then we're sitting down and he's looking at me and I'm looking at him. I'm thinking Oh my God, I love this. But he's thinking, canan't she see the sign? He says, wouldould you marry me on the sign? but I'm not seeing it And he he's trying to figure out like What's wrong with her You're ruining this poor man's surprise, yes. And I'm really clumsy. I'm like, I really didn't see it He looked at me. He gave me like a different look And I was like Oh my God, he's gonna do it. He just done this in his hand. I was like I just knew instantly he's going to propose And then he proposed to me. So And the two of you become engaged But now You two don't end up marrying each other. No. right so what are the circumstances that led you think to you to eventually breaking up I never thought we' actually going break up because we were very, very much in love and like everyone around us knew. It was some crazy love we had. you know, it was really high and really low We had a very, u We had some really good moments, but we also had some very dark moments together. And I think just like from my experience of lifeife Grown up, childhood, everything coming into one. and he's experiencing he' life. and I think like It was fire with fire, you know U and I think there was you know, a lot of times that things were said and done that obviously wasn't meant to be said and done. And you know, we were both growing And and deal we were dealing with our own things too at the same time. So for me, you know He he was a big love of my life and you know, he will forever be And we share river together and You know, one thing that He had acknowledged was struggling with mental health Mhm. And What I would love if you are open to talking about is that clearly you've mentioned you were struggling with your own your own self. You haven't said you're struggling with your mental health, but you were Um Finding yourself. Yeah, right But when you have a partner Wh's struggling with mental health? Yeah, it's hard It's incredibly hard. How do you manage that because There will be Many people Watching our conversation right now who will have a partner Struggling with their mental health. Yeah. wondering they can. to help do. Yes I think you should always Go with your gut instinct And you know, you should follow your gut instinct because And a lot of times they don't tell you the truth you know, they withhold a lot of what they go through, what they feel and maybe comes out other ways and I believe all a man wants is to give his family everything That's a man's role, right? And I believe That's if If I know Jake right, I think that's all he ever wanted was us to have everything. As a partner, you know, sometimes I it was really hard and And you just feel like you can't help them and you just want to help them and And you in this like constant fight of am I doing the right decision? Am I not? What can I do to be there more then Sometimes you just reallyally bad and You just have to You know, I've also been toxic where I'm like maybe been the nicest because I had to pull I had to put boundaries And is that haunting me now? Yes because I'm like He is hunting me now I'm gonna be honest with you that I'm like Would this have ever happened if I didn't leave. couldould I have stopped this to happen? Be when you Ask yourself I would have made a different decision W the outcome? Would this outcome have been different? Yeah That's the first stage. typically that we land in when it comes to grief, and that's the bargaining. It' called bargaining. I've heard about this Yeah where you begin to second guess your own decisions. And wonder will that have or would that have impacted the outcome? exactly No, do You don't have to apologize D definitely don't have to apologize So this is something that obviously you think about differentifferent decisions, different boundaries I know that you and Jake had split up And You were living. in in the UK Right? Was he still in then he was in Spain Yeah, so We Move to Spain together And we lived in Spain for a year and a half like He was coming and going. But me and Rivet was there full time for a year and a half. and then Things just wasn't working out Um, And, you know, I had to exit the relationship And then I've moved back to London with River full time I see, I see. so you were here and he was He was in Spain. Yeah. so he grew up there He grew up in Mallorkca. and you know He introduced me to M Yorkca because I'd never been there before And he we did all of our summer holidays there, our winter holidays and really feall in love with it and he loves it. It's like his second home You know,' his childhood? It's it's home there for him and that's his happy place. and he always goes there and wants to spend time there. and yeah So you came back here. and You're back here, you have two children. Yeah And now you are working. Yeah And then I would imagine that at a certain point uh, this is when Ladies of London. Yeah you know, comes about. Yeah, exactly Can I say My wife f of yours. No way. She she is. And you know what? she tells me about you because she was telling me about you Oh really? Oh yeah. I didn't have to do any research. I just had to sit down and talk to my wife. What did you say? She was like, Well, let me tight no, no. she didn' say that She said that you have a very calm demeanor Oh It is your calmness and how you are you're sweet. You know, and that that wins people over Mm Thank you. And so And what she told me, but you tell me, if this is correct is that it appeared as if when this show came about, this is a reboot Yeah, exactly. ye. So Ladies of London, the new reign. Yeah, because you used to be Ladies of London in the past, where we're a completely different cast now. Okay. Yeah And so initially Did you get along with the cast members initially I mean, we know, one of them, we started very bad Yeah. So who how ye Itid't start great. But you ended up you ended up yeah. So how would you describe? We did had two million views on our first episode. Oh yeah. No, no, no, This is popular in the states as well Right? Yeah. So how I think it's more popular in the states, right than here. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. So how would you describe this show and who who is on it? What's the show about It's very, I mean, I absolutely love the show. It's very authentic to all of us and our lives and' not like so full on drama, drama drama all the time and it's very much about our lives and our friendships, our families, our stories. and I think every story is very authentic. We're not like showing up to be like ourur lives are perfect. We live in this gorgeous mansion. normally you'd have in these kind of shows, right? Like if you look at the housewives, they're all driving the best cars, the best houses and A lot of us are kind of at our age, but we're showing that We rebuilding our lives. And you know, you can have everything, you can have nothing, you can have everything again. It's it's a wave life, huh? Like He comes and he goes sometimes And u This is where we why I love the show so much because It shows authenticity around the real real life So it seems as if you all genuinely like each other. Yeah, we do. Yeah, ye, whichich I think is kind of rare for a cast that like but yeah, most of us, ye. Okay, okay. That's enough said enough said ye. No. you. Fair enough. So it was Kimmy who initially You all had a little thing. Yeah, but then I was like, that's my girl. Like I could really gone on to war with her, but I knew she didn't know me. You know? because I was listen to her speak to other people and And I was like I really like her and like We will be good friends So, but she didn't know me. So she just thought All this pretty girl coming into the show. thinks she's going to be a victim now talking about her brother get airt timee You know, that's what she thought Right? Because she doesn't know me, right So I was like, oh my God, I know what she's gonna to think. I know why she's done what she's done You know, and I'm very like forgiven person and under I kind of understand another person. I'm actually not judgmental It can be a little bit, but I'm very not a judgmental person And this is about social media, like I look so angry and like bitchy on my social media. You think so Yeah, donon't you think so? Well no, I don't. Well maybe it's changed. Okay. But why do why do you think that that you look angry I think because not angry but more like I don't think I never posted videos of myself on so Instagram. so I don't think a lot of people knows me me as me They just think like, oh yeah, this girl pictures, o, she does like she's self obsessed with herself and They don't actually understand that I'm likeack quiet clumsy and funny and, you know, like take the piss out of myself and love my family and friends and, you know They don't actually know that Yes. But I think this is something that people would be surprised at because here you are a model That is your profession, right? Yeah You model, your entire career. But that's my job You know? It's like, It's like you show up to work I don't think like, oh my go, my mom I'm so pretty. I'm pretty than every other girl. O It doesn't work like that. Or not that you are but that you would be comfortable enough. because you're a model who has been on to reality television shows who also been heavily photographed with her partners. So I think the my gut would be, oh, wow. so it would be easy for her to whip out the phone and no. But no, it's not. I wouldn't know. And why is that That's just me being insecure again. Yeah because this can I say This has been biggest surprise to me from meeting you. although from doing the research, I would have guessed it because I see the patterns. but now My interpretation is someone who's lived her life. unsure and uncomfortable in who she was until now Yeah and that is one of the biggest reasons why we didn't see that in the past. No Yeah Hey there, I just want to say, thank you for choosing We need to Tal Doing this podcast is one of the greatest joys of my life. And I want to continue to share it with you. So hit follow and the bell icon. It takes just a second and it helps us to continue to grow this podcast if we can As much as you're open to talking about it is Jake's passing. Yeah Sorry I choked up earlier when we talked about that We'll take our time through it Uh and only as much as you'd like to say. So Where were you when you found out that Jake had passed in Mallorkca Which is so insane So I got booked for a job in Iibitha. I'm shooting a cover for a magazine. Honestly, I've never lost my p for it ever in like forty years. Wh do I keep saying I'm forty? I'm forty years. This. In thirty nine years. thirty nine years, I've never lost my passport Anyway, the flight was booked. We at the airport. I was went to the police there and they helped me to get this paper. But because I'm Swedish I And now with England, EU citizenship, all this stuff You can't actually fly in with a police saying that it's okay You need it from the actual government. So they were like I could fly anywhere in Europe but England And then they were like, you and now I'm panicking because I was picking River up from school That day. That day. ' if we had an early flight back because I was gonna to have her Jakeses Parent had River And then I called them and it was still very early because I think my flight was like seven in the morning. and they was going to drop her to school and And I called them. I was like Can you have her? And they were like, you know what? we just keep her So don't stress We have her for another two days. Anyway, so I had to fly. The police in Iita said You have to fly to Mallorca to go to the Swedish ambassador because it didn't have the Nibeta. Otherwise I couldn't fly into England And so I flew into my Yorkouse and then I woke up in the morning, I think as I at in the morning and I had like Cen miss calls? And I was like Obviously it was the dad. so I'm thinking something's happened to River. So my heart dropped. I was like Why they called me this late? And I was like Hi, you've called me like is everything okay and they Dad was like No A that is river case river case And he was like, it's not River, it's Jake. And the way he said Jake's name, I was like He's in a hospital, He's in jail Last thought for me was that he was gone and I was like Yes. What And he was like He's dead I mean I went into u panic mode. F first thing I did was I blamed everything on myself Um I just went on L every Everything was I thought of river. I was like No No, she doesn't deserve this pain. like River Kan deserve this pain. You know, she's gone through a lot in her life and I'm not I'm not doing this to her And I just wanted to like protect her and I was like, no, How there was everything came to my head in that split second and his family and his mom and his dad and his brother, you know, I because I've sat in their side. You know, I lost a brother So I was in pain. from so many angles because He has such a beautiful family. You know, Jake's mom and dad and brother, they are insanely beautiful people And I was in so much pain for them And for River, you know, their relationship was You've never seen anything like that Their love was Inan insanity And So I doesn't even realize that he was in Mallorkca. And I was in Mallorca. I was like like, what do I do here? Right? Because I wasn't supposed to be in Mallorkca, but I kind of ended up in Mallorkca. So the night he died I was there. I was there And I was like It's just toge It's surreal to know that You were there. I did not know. I was there I didn't know. like I wish he called me or like I wish he just gave me call to be like, Whatever, like I need you. like come help me. I just wish he just called me ust I just wish you did something. But he didn't know I was daring there He didn't know I was there You kn know. When I think about He is that day for him It stands out to me is something that he had posted. Um on Instagram. Um day. A hours before he died He posted on Instagram Remember the good things. Yeah. I'm sure you've thought about that message countless times What does that mean to you I think Jake just wanted to be remembered for everything good that he's done you know, and to be remembered to be an amazing father and and how much he loved people and how much he connected people and how much he He worked so hard and he really tried so hard to this voice that was always talking over him. And I know like All I can think about is He's at peace now is resting, you know? and I just wish it never happened I don't think I can ever G over it It just hurt so bad to lose him think when When you lose someone close. Yeah. What I've been reminded of countless times is that What is going to happen is every day. through moments like this. through looking at River smile. I know, but just hurts me to see her hurts. Like you take. Jake. hurts me more, you know? like I'm hurt. H hurt is really hurt, you know, like It's a different kind of hurt his Like seeing her in pain pains me and Obviously he's pained everyone because the support we've had I have never seen anything like that in my entire life. like The supportort Rriver. and the family and We've had is is couldn't describe how much that means to us. How how support how much support that gives us and hope. Yes. And it just it just feels like a big hug and I just never had that in the past, you know? because of how supportive everyone has been. Yeah, and I feel I know no one is perfect and but I just feel it's so raw for me now to like I'm using my tools and you know, like is with grievy It just hits you I can't control it. like some days is very bad and some days is like I'm fine, you know, I'm good now. I'm good. Yes. And then some days I'm like I actually just need to lay in bed for like four days and not see anyone But then you're a mom She needs me and I need to be there for her too and it's quite healing for me to be around his family And like he's childhood friends is very healing for me and healing for them to be with me and us together because that's what we used to be together before And I think he is healing something in all of us to just together and It's making us reflect on choices we make in life. and when you lose someone so suddenly You just say thanks to God and you start being like rethinking your decisions in life and Like gratitude is like number one. And you're like, I'm so thankful. my kids are healthy. and I'm so thankful. My mom is alive and my dad and my sister and You know, you start reading like seeing people like times turn, even though I see them, but somethingomething really changes and life is so short. Yes. I think that's what changes. Yeah. life is so short, you know thirty five years had his whole life in front of him and he's just gone and it's breaking my heart because I know he had so much Give Yes. And he was so loved and When was the last time he spoke with him. See days before, a day before maybe Yeah. because we He had a river every second weekend and we share our holidays, but you know, he'd be on Faceetime all the time and which we can You know now I know that Geral was J just about a week ago. Yeah And it was a true celebration. Yeah, That's what he would want off his life. It feels like I want to be happy about him Like, I know I'm hurting and out crying And that's okay, but I also feel like like It like makes me laugh sometimes because I'm like, you fucking fick. you know, like what have you done? And it's like ages you go through those like Pow high Pow high like And I'm going through a lot of emotions, but I want to be happy when I speak about him because I know that's what he would want me to do And he was the one who was supporting me through my grief with my brother So I remember what he used to tell me to do probablyably looks like crazy right now This my makeakeup everywere You know it You look so big part you know You look incredibly human to me But I mean You uh you look like you're going through a lot And beauties is you're going through it you're going through it And to your point of you get hit with this emotion, I feel like what grief does is it hits you like a wave. It's intense then the wave goes down and then it's intense and it goes down and my commitment to you is that over time The waves will continue, but they won't be as intense. No but is for me would When I lost my brother, he was there for me and he was with me when I lost him And he used to always say, you know, we used to listen to For me, music is a big thing. I listen to a lot of music And I know that that's what we did when we were griefing my brother together. me and him were putting music on and crying together So when my When my best friend passed. I didn't want to tell anyone this so mad at him Yeah. And I was I was pissed off that Yeah. and in my mind I would C curse him out Yeah, I feel you. And I didn't want to tell anyone about it because I felt You know, he had been No, you feel bad, but I was angry. It's really natural to feel that. Oh, okay. Yeah like you can Look at that, look at that. I tell you what, Yeahah, it was one of those where I was yeah, I was so so mad And but it comes from love. it comes from love. like the anger is not like It's like, I love you so much and I'm so angry at you that you You did that to us, that you've heard us this way, like The anger comes from a place of of love. likeike what am I going to do with this love now? Like where am I gonna to put all this love? is love that like He's got nowhere to go. Theres love now. Right because they're gone. So What are you going do with it? And you get angry because you're like It's not fair Like whereere is my daughter gonna tore all her love for her dad Yeah, she can put it on everyone else. And I know the whole world can be there for her But no one is her dad, and that's what she says He's like I go, Mommy loves you, but yeah, but you're not thatad. Yeah, but yeah, but you're not thatad. And I really feel that for her. And that's where I get the Oh I you know? Yes Why? she goes Mommy Why I dad I mean I feel like unwell when when I when when she because she she honest with her feelings and breaks me. How Do you No And I want to share a statistic with you that that really blew me away going into into this research is so Approximately one in twenty nine school aged children have lost a parent or sibling Wow Children who experience the loss of a parent are at increased risk for developing depression, anxiety or PTSD So to your point is your holding it together for your daughter What lessons can you share? becausecause one out of twenty nine, that's many of us. That's we all know. We are either that person or we know someone. Yeah. What have you learned that you can share with with us. I've learned that it's okay to cry in front of your children. It's okay to be sad because I think it's healthy. for the because now It's me and River who's going to live this life together, right? So She knows I love her dad And she's very sad about her dad. So it's okay for us to be sad and I don't have to be strong all the time in in front of her anything think it's healthy that She sees Mommy's Dad and I see her sad and You know, she comes up to me, she watches my eyes, if they're watering or not. Okay. Yeah, she comes really close to me. She's like I'm like, I'm fine, baby And then, you know, a little trigger and we both start crying. So We're just kind of going through it together and I think there's no right way and there's no wrong way. And I think there is so much help out there that you can get like government can give you therapy for free There's school therapists. there is Um You know, all these things you can do together and you can do drawings, you can remember them, you can talk about them You can sing songs that they like and I think the most important thing is that You don't neglect it and you don't try to bury it It's not healthy at all. And that's what I did with my brother, honestly I wasn't okay for for a long time until I unpacked it this now this time with Jake I straight away unpacked it And I'm I'm really open with River and he's family. and You know, there's there's all just love. It's just love Like would we have one thing in common is love What do we all do? We all love Jake. So why don't we all just love each other Why don't we all just share the beautiful memories of Him Why don't we all just forget bullshit and the egos and all the bad stuff that's happened and you know No one is perfect That's one thing we all have in common is love What are what's your happiest memory Lnd Yes Oh we have so many helpful memories. I love when he sings in the car. He used to like really get into character in the car and he used to think he was like some really big singer. I think deep He thought he was. I like how you shaded it right there. He thought he was In the back of his mind, he really thought he could be a huge singer. Like somehow he thought like I'm gonna be like big stringer. Yeah and because he just had that like you know, that character and We've had some crazy memories. you know, we traveled the world together, we've worked together, we had a child together, we lived together. We' done a big live together. Yeah, ye. I love it. We had a big life together. I love it What's something that perhaps she doesn't know that You want Rriver to know about her dead I mean, she knows everything about her dad because her and her dad was like I mean, inseparable and They just share so suchuch a beautiful bond together. Like even though me and Jake would be like not this week, mate. N this week. Do not even look at me in like each other's throats at time But when he came to River, you know, I mean, it was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. He loved that kid so much is there Anything that you want to address, clarify, around any of the pressure judgment articles that have been written you want to just Late to bed, late to rest about Jake or about the circumstances or I mean, I think like it is what it is. It was an accident, you know, like he obviously, like we all know the same thing. like It was an accident That's for sure. L he would never have left River For sure. Yeah. yeah Yeah, I think that's well said, just just out of. alone. that's W said. If you look at his social media, people say, o, social media is sometimes just the image that we want to project, but When you look at the images, I think, of river and him and him. You can see Mhm. How She She doted on him. Yeah, she loved him. You know. And if it's okay, there's a photo of the two of them Oh yeah, of course. Yeah that I think really depicts this Oh, yeah, I love that. That was when we were living in Spain. That's in Spain there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she I mean, Yeah Maybe. Yeah She loved him so much. I mean, she loves him and It was like a I don't know. It's like his first love this child Yes It's a special bond girl in a dead They had a very beautiful relationship It was I mean, my heart breaks for her so bad. You don't understand Hold ont to that way. And so If I can ask about you When you think about what you've lived through H and we have mentioned, nothing just happens talked about that. Do you believe The next chapter. of your life looks like in particular as a result of everything that you have lived through. So what is that next chapter? What do you What you hope for it to look like I just want to grow You know, keep growing, keep learning ping Um I want to use this as a as a strength asy knowing My brother and him, they're like, Missy, stop being lazy. G your ass up Like I know that There's two of them now And they were the only two who was like, get the fuck up So I know that one thing they would want for me is to like get up and like get things going. And so fromrom my perspective, I feel this responsibility of River now, you know? Of course always she has been a responsibility, but There's a big difference when a dad is in the picture or not and losing that person It's likeike I know that I have to And I'm not trying to rush myself course in the back of my mind, like I do think ahead of life also, like my five year plan, ten year plan and I really just want to like work and you know, give River a beautiful life episode of Oh, thank you. That's gonna make me cry. Thank you. You do You do been through I just feel all I've done is cry on this podcast. No. I'm so sorry. No just keep crying. No, no. don't don't don't don't apologize for this because You've gone through more than many people will ever go through And you're still here. Yeah And Great mother T beautiful children I know because I have the photo right here. Where's your ph? Oh. You know what I mean? So I know, hereere's the proof. Yeah, this's my babies. There's your babies right there There there there's the proof You know? They're just so perfect. Yes. I'm so blessed to have them. You don't understand. They're just so amazing. like We've just been to Sweden now for like ten days and Honestly, I was sleeping in white sun nosed You know, what we going through, he was also very sad because he grew up with Jith and he He was like making me coffee, coming into bed with coffee. Well with that. Gentlemen, he's a. like M don't do anything, okay? And him and River went in the kitchen listening, they were like, making eggs, like whisking the eggs.' like Rriver topp The bread on the toaster, yeah But they bnd on a toaster he come out with like bread and scrbbled eggs and coffee. So I was like Have you made the scrambled eggs yourself They're like, yeah. But they tasted really nice. Yes It's amazing what kids do, right? Like how much they change your life And isn't amazing too how resilient They are as well. I know, yeah I Manchester United talk there. I see it. That's why you're gonna have to give it back. I'm gonna have to take this away. All right, I'll do That's a good. Do want us to wear that. That's right. That's probably get him a t shirt. Oh yeah. yeah, I should get them both. River too. Yeah. Yeah. I have I've really Loved Hearing your journey And I feel like I've walked on the journey with you. and all the questions that I had in doing the research about you, you've answered and you've given more on top of it and I think I'm most excited this next phase of your life because I think you can argue that you've never been more in love with who you are. Yeah than today. Can I give you the final question Yeah This is the question everybody gets and that is you have had some incredible conversations in your life when you think about the one that stands out the most. so the one that gave you the greatest lesson Who was it with And what did you learn I think he's with my mom to be honest. like She just was like Stop. bllaming yourself for everything Like Like she really gave me like a bit of a tough love She was like, enough is enough. L Just again like about yourself. If you can function, your daughter can function You're, you know And I know there's a lot of time we think like, you being selfish to think about yourself and put yourself first, but Actually if you don't do that, nothing else around you functions. So what I would advise people like from My perspective is Put yourself first. And it doesn't mean you don't love your husband, you don't love your children It means like if you you are if you are your best So It means everyone around you is also happier. becausecause if you just give to everyone and you're like, o, I'm lacking. I'm sohappy. I hate my life Everyone else hate their lives too. Yes. So is like a S a mira You're mirroring who you are. So if you become like grateful and happy and prioritize yourself, your well being and your mind and your head and You listen to people you really trust and good people that got your back I think the whole dynamic will change in your life and you're not a victim for it perfect example. You have the poster job for that. Well set Thank you so much for joining us see Perhaps the first person we've talked to who is sitting with such recent grief grief never leaves you I think We as in a society, we have to do a better job in normalizing death. So We have to figure out how do we prevent those things, depression from setting in PTSD. Part of how we do that, I think, is by normalizing by talking about it more, by accepting grief rather than trying to treated as fixable thing in our life. When you look at UK culture you look at U. S. culture, but UK in particular There is a very conservative view. around death. point where the default is just don't talk about it. pererhaps the idea is I don't want to have to relive the pain. so therefore, let's not brring the person's name up. Let's not relive What happened? let's not discuss it at all. But Missy is doing, I think, a great job in demonstrating the importance of having these discussions because ultimately it allows you to reach a point where you can then Bring the person's name up and smile You can then talk about the experiences you've had, good, bad and indifferent and still Areciate that time. Missy demonstrating No deal with grief in a healthy way. I met Orlando when I became a Victoria Secret Angel. we ended up dating and that's when a lot of like the paparazzi came into my life and there's a picture of me No, you're not. I am. I don't believe it. I was like Are you Miranda Kirt, you are a supermodel of the modern era. When I was thirteen and I won the Dolly magazine Model of the Year competition. I felt like it was the fluke I've had so much rejection, people would only see the success that I've had. And typically it is the fame and or the fortune that leads to some type of demise. How did modeling shape thoughts happened so suddenly that it was hard for me to understand, but my whole world just stopped my first boyfriend was in a car accident and he died instantly Oh it completely changed me to never ever takeake a day for granted I've seen a couple things. One is literally you went and viral four Yeah. So We talk about it