Friendship, Grief, and Practicing Self-Compassion

Vertrauen ist immer die Basis, vor allem wenn es um deine Gesundheit geht. Das ist die Überzeugung von Shop-Apotheke. Und deswegen sind sie immer für dich da, mit pharmazeutischer Beratung per Rückrufservice und dem Chatbot, der 247 verfügbar ist. Bei Shop apotheke gibt es eben alle Vorteile des Online-Handels mit der Seriosität einer richtigen Apotheke. Plus dem vielleicht einfachsten E-Rezept einlösen. Probier's jetzt aus. Alle Infos gibt es in der App und auf shop-apotheke.de Welcome to We're Talking. This mental health awareness week, we sit down with Charlie Maxie for a deeply honest conversation about anxiety, grief, and the quiet struggles we often carry alone. Charlie reflects on the moments that shaped him and why connection, not perfection, is what truly matters. Would you say that the darkest period of your life was happening while you were creating either this book or or the or the first book. Was it was was that the the the darkest period I don't think it was. If we could tap into it, but they stay with me. Yes. I have memories. Where you know things catch up with you, things you've been running from . And it it causes this . What do I do with this ? Um Well I think you know there was some there were like when I was a boy at the that boarding school there was some dark things that went on . And and then losing friends and I think we all have periods which are extremely difficult and cause us to go into dark places and we don't know what to do when we're in them. And sometimes I I'm not even sure we sh we actually recognise we're in them. We're just fighting to stick, to stay and we m we we eat cake or whatever it is that's helping. It's often in retrospect where you go, Whoa that was that was hard. Or we're talking to a friend and we find ourselves talking fast and we start getting emotional, tears pour and we don't even we didn't even know it was there. No. And I think s a lot of our lives are spent with things going on that we're not hugely aware of, you know. Right. And so I suppose I I can't put a finger on it. That was the darkest time of my life. Um but there've been times when I've I've been aware of it and it's caused me to seek help or cause me to question or need to process something. And and so I think I've drawn on those times . and you know, and the return to love . You know, the the mole says where does it do where did your strength come from? When he reconnects from remembering I am loved. It's it' Yeah, it's been a huge thing. I mean , that vulnerability and the act of it is like a window into a whole new world of existence and possibility and freedom . That you can tell, you can say this. And it's the most courageous thing. And it's just letting a door open . And I used to be terrified of that door because what was what was gonna happen if I dared open it? And I go, oh my god . Just sh keep it down and carry on stoically. And wow . You know, and it it's not easy and it's not immediate, but it's this process of discovery that your your visceral rookie bro humanness and humanity is incredible and univers al. Yes. Universal. Like you're not this free everybody. We're all so just talk about it and connect. Has has that helped with because I know anxiety is something that I've uh had challenges with uh for Yeah. Definitely. S same . Same same for you. So how how do you manage that? How do you manage your anxiety? I think I've had low lang low level anxiety a lot and I've managed into various and but then I think that it goes up a level sometimes and presents itself as well. I thought I was dying, like I thought. My heart was going so fast that I was sort of holding onto the wall and like, what is this ? And a friend of mine is a doctor and I called him. I said, I think I think I might be dying. He said, describe to me what you feel. I said, My heart's going a thousand miles, I don't know. I have to cling to it. He said, I think I'm gonna talk you down from this . And he said the first thing you need to do is not be frightened of what you're feeling. Don't be frightened And he taught me how to not be fear fearful of the fear itself. Don't be anxious of your anxiety. 'Cause that just means it builds like a a wall. Is there a technique that you could share that was eff effective? He taught me well there was the breathing thing. He said you're a shallow breather. Okay. So he did the four seconds in, hold it and four seconds out and do that for two minutes . So I did that. And then we discussed a a lot about how anxiety can be triggered by nothing at all. It doesn't need a a valid context or circumstance. It can just come out of nowhere, which it still does. You know, just like what? Yes. What is that? Yes. Um so I do breathing and I tell myself to to to to not fear it. And there's a page in the book about that. Sometimes things spin out of control. And remember that you are not a stormy. It's not you . So it's okay . And and um and then obviously in times when it's not going on, practice things that help you, whether it's meditation , nature, running , some pray, some breathe, some meditate, all these things. Drawing. Drawing. Yes. Connecting with what you love. Talking. Talking. Don't be frightened of what you feel. Don't be ashamed of what you feel um music w I I uh yeah like swimming in cold water. Um you can you can encourage your the healthy and you I I'm not a neuroscientist and I I would never pretend to know that I understood these things, but I know what works for me and some of my friends is I think for me that the the journey has been to get to a place where I'm sitting here with you Paul and if I wasn't being filmed I'd say the same thing which is that that that that that open that door and talk about it . I have plenty of friends who didn't and they're not here anymore. And it it it nailed them. And I I sometimes re why it's pointless regret. It's a silly thing, but had imagine if we'd had the time to really talk about it. Yes . Um it's not weakness. It's not a failing. A lot of men feel like it's such a failing to to struggle with this. It's it's perfectly normal in this world. We live in a crazy world. And if you if you're sensitive , you feel things, you're gonna feel this. It's like you're with you, you're an extremely connected, brilliant mind ed, highly sensitive individual who's bound to feel anxious at times. 'Cause you care so much. The more you care, the I think the more anxious you're gonna be about your kids, the world, what''ss h hapappen what gonnapen tomorrow? Who what's what's going on here? Like I think not to feel that is almost being numb. So wow, yeah. But I think it's how we we we we respond to that and how we look after ourselves, you know. That really matters. Yes. And I know, you know, sitting here like in saying these words that I have like such a long way to go . On the way here I was panicking I was gonna miss the train . I forgot to lock the door, I had to zoom back. I had locked it, I just thought I had I have that whole thing going on. Go ahead. Did I didn't I didn't I did I okay I'll go back. Minutes to spare when I arrived at station . Um just a sort of stumbling f,um bling , semi introverted person who doesn't still is mak is winging it . But I think we can all we're all learning from each other and the more we can talk about it, the more we'll learn, you know. Absolutely. Absolutely. Like I don't know much, Paul. But it just acknowledging it. There you go. Yeah. I think that's the key to to everything is connection, communication , um putting your hand up going this is me . This is me. Why are we doing this? Why are we I by the way I don't mean to get all heavy here? Like I don't This is one of those rare opportunities for so many people. Right. This is your opportunity to just reflect. Yeah. With no judgment whatsoever. Yeah. You know, and and and and go back to Zimbabwe and and sit there picking the tea, you know? That's what this opportunity is is is about. That moment. Okay, so when I was picking the tea, blocking tea is difficult. Like I earned one cent . Literally. Everyone else is making two dollars a day. Which is not much. But and I remember this guy, John , who was trying to teach me to pluck. And it he was laughing at me because you know he was the the the beauty the elegance elegance of his movements was just like a machine. And they were they were laughing at me. And there was one time at lunchtime when everyone we were all laughing and John I remember John stopping like he was just looking at me in order that you get to the moment where this this m strange pause and he was And I said Yeah, he said, we're just the same. We're all just the same. And it was just like, oh wow . Humanity is just gears white boy from Battersea, John Sub-Sahar an Poverty stricken You know and we had this moment when I went and it was it that moment lasted and lasted and lasted and lasted. And we were just like, yeah. And I could see his likes going on and mine . You know what I mean? Oh yeah. It's interesting. I feel like we do this we we do it to this day, but we have to be fully connected and emotionally aware in order to fully , fully download. Download. Yes. And willing and open. Yes. There is. All this division, but come on . Yeah. Doesn't need to be. No. I mean this is you can argue that we're we're we're more divided today than ever. You you can really make that argument. Aaron Powell You could, yeah. Yeah. I um also you know, we we haven't talked about so you were diagnosed with ADHD, is that correct? And or was that the thing? Yeah, or or various people said, I don't know whether you die diagnosed but yeah, I mean people have said y you you're on the spectrum, which I think fine. Okay. I I don't mind that. This is me. And it's evident to me that I ha I definitely struggle with it because in conversations my brain will drift into eight different areas and people will say, Is Charlie here today or not? Well, I see Charlie is definitely here today. Very I feel very present here. You are here. But sometimes like I'm I'm I'm just removed. I'm thinking about ideas or something isn't holding me in the moment. Okay. And or I'm unaware that I'm not even there. Ah, I see. Which is why it shocked me when my friend said, Is Charlie here today or isn't he? I'm like, oh. I wasn't aware that I'm sometimes not. Yeah. You know, people sort of say or used to say to me, your attention span is terrible and yet and yet you manage to do all these drawings . You you gotta have real attention to do them. And I think I realize that the things we can do when we when we struggle with attention issues that hold us , that so absorb us that we and and it's a place that I with drawings I can just disappear into and I can just and there's something about you know I've got this iPad here where um uh I can um scribble on uh so I have this and this I normally draw with ink, but that it's to for the sake of argument I can make marks and I can simully do um sometimes if I'm on the phone um I find myself draw um th the boy you know on a branch without even realizing what I without think thinking what I'm really doing, you know. Um it it just the boy just just comes out comes. Or you know, or I'll be thinking about um uh talking about what I'm doing uh in the morning or so someone's talking to me and I'll and I'll be listening but you know I'll be you know this comes out you know oh there's yeah there's the horse do you see what I'm saying? So but the lines um keep me focused . It's the lines are actually making making making the marks. Okay. It's it's something about making marks that that um calms me down. So if you're making can you molds my attention. So could you m make marks and ha and the two of us have a conversation at the same time? You could do that. Du willst dir nicht nur den Gang zum Supermarkt sparen, sondern auch noch 30 Euro? Mit dem Code Hallo30 bekommst du jeweils 10 Euro Rabatt auf deine ersten drei Bestellungen bei Flaschenpost. Einfach in der Flaschenpost-App oder auf unserer Website Lebensmittel und Getränke auswählen, Code HALO30 eingeben und wir liefern direkt bis zu dir nach Hause. Drei Einkäufe, weniger schleppen, mehr Alltag, mehr Komfort. Code Hallo dreißig. Alle Infos findest du in der App oder auf unserer Website. Flaschenpost bringt dir mehr. Okay. And you doodle a little bit. Okay. Okay. So let's talk about w while doodling. This is probably the best topic is friendship. Oh yeah. With your friends in your friendship circle. What do you do? What's a a ch a Charlie hangout friend hangout, are you playing poker? Are you watching reality television? What are you know, uh we talk we we it varies that my friends are quite eclectic and very different. So we all have really and they bring out different parts of me. Okay. Which is why when someone dies, you sometimes lose that part of you that they brought up . Which really interests me. It is. I've lost quite a few friends and the bits we used to laugh about and the silly noises we made and the s are on. Unless I can but e they're so unique. And when I lost Barney, lovely Barney, my dog, who was also my friend, there was a language I used with him . And I used to say every morning, when I before I I've heard him, I used to say, You're an extremely good little chap, right? And I'd extend the word extremely, and he'd go crazy with the word extremely because and you're extra, extra, extra special, like that. And it was his language. And what's amazing for me with those words is that Column my Irish friend's daughter Amelia who's four when we were making the book together I would sometimes she would say how did you speak to Barney? She said, All right. And I said, I say, you're extreme. And so she now, he he films her running around the garden going, You're extra special. You're extremely good at the child. And so for me, that that's something that hasn't died . Um and I suppose friends to me, going back to the original, are we can relish the uniqueness of parts of each other that only are there with each other. And and I love that. And and y they're friends who I can you know, people's you know, doing nothing with friends is never doing nothing, is it? And that's a line from a book which I think I like because you don't need to be doing a thing. You don't need to be going to football or watching a football. You can just literally do this and and chat or go for a walk and talk about anything. Just sitting in silence is doing an awful lot. Yes. Now you you mentioned something that's near and dear to my heart and that was when you said that when when someone passes, when a friend passes away, that y there's something lost, So uh often uh on We Need to Talk, I've referred to a friend of mine named Andre Smith. He was my best friend, he passed away a few years ago. And you said something that now I'm just reflecting on for the first time, and that is is that I noticed that there's a part of me that died with him. Yeah. And Yeah . And and so I wonder, you said you mentioned you've you've had many friends who who have who have passed. Too many. How do you you feel like've properly grieved for them? That's a great question. I would say in honesty , no . Um Um , but I'm I think grief for me is going in instalment s, and when I was a kid, I had a a record uh by Art Garf Uncle, and one of the lines was reality it's not for me and it makes me laugh . And I remember I remember thinking I like that 'cause reality I can only take in small doses . Otherwise it gets too much . Um I think probably the subconscious is quite good on one level about drip feeding stuff to us. Because sometimes it's just Overwhelming. Yeah, too much. Too much. But I think probably what I don't do enough of which I should probably do is is doing what you and I are doing that . Hence the title of your podcast. Yes. Um because I think the something about the act of talking, I think , takes teaspoons of pain out and it never goes back in . I don't think it ever returns. I d it's a teaspoon but it it's something. Yes. And so the more you talk and process and let go of and I remember when I was young reading somewhere that so much of life is about letting go and I I got really cross at that . Um I think no it's not, it's but it it is . Learning to let go. Yes . But we're learning through, as you mentioned, through conversation. Yes, we are. Uh through connection. Yes. But what we also know, unfortunately for men in particular, that our social circles shrink. Yes, they do. So as we as we all get old. I mean for everyone, our social circles shrink when we get older, but it's disproportionate for men. Yes, it is. Yes, it really is. Yes. I I I read that really recently as well . And since COVID they've got worse. Yes . And a good friend of mine the other day who Do you get lonely ? And I said, Yeah. I do get lonely. He said, Well that's work at not being lonely then. And it it struck me and I thought, you know , it's something that does take effort. Yes. That these default relationships, because you're around someone and therefore you don't have to But some so many men they think someone dies, they move away, this happens, this happens, and people you know the the ground gets thinner humanly. So you need to choose friends and fight for them. Work in it. And have the courage. He ever since he said that, I thought, whoa, that was a courageous thing to say. And my biggest struggle, you know , in is the idea that I can that I can love myself and my neighbour . I can't I can't do that very well . That's what the journey of this has been all about is how do you see yourself? How do you hold yourself? How do you value yourself ? How do you not throw yourself away in situations ? How how do you keep believing that you're enough, that you're worth it? I think if you can if you can somehow be grateful for any situation you're in, it's a good thing. And not beat yourselves up. Yes. Because I'm a great one for that. You know, there's in this second book, I I there's a line where I say you'll have critics. Thor says you'll have critics. Make sure you're not one of them. Cause I can be, you know, like you know, here I'm talking to you and I'm trying to give my best side, but you know, I can get home and go, oh Charlie, why did you say that? Right. What are you doing? What do you think you know? And look at you, you your jeans. Why get some new jeans and I don't know, it's like like pff don't yeah, don't be that critic. Don't be that critic. Don't be that crazy. Give yourself a break. Give yourself some grace. Like this is so poetic because so every morning I do and I've done this now for almost seven years. Right. Uh I try to do it consistently is a gratitude exercise. Do you? So I I identify three things from the previous day that I'm thankful for. And I'm gonna tell you, Charlie, every morning, boom, pop up. Sometimes I have three , sometimes I'm five, six, seven. This morning, I don't know what it was, I was struggling. I was struggling. I was thinking, oh my gosh, what am I thankful for yesterday? Like, what was it? What was it? And I ended on I got through it. Wow . You know, I'm here. Right. There you go. You know? Right. But it's the it's it's the it's the basics. Yeah. It is the I'm breathing. There you go. Exactly. I'm alive. Yes. I can move. The basics. The basics. And you know what that exercise has done for me is it's now almost re wired my mind to look for wow the moments in the day. Really. So that the next m the following morning I can now recall that. Okay, so you you you you can they're they're log they're lodged in you. Yes not recognized. And and that wasn't the intent . But that's what's happened, which I find to be beautiful. So tomorrow morning I'll pr I'm will most likely say, just having that conversation with Charlie. I'm thankful for the U. Yeah, well right now, I'm utterly grateful for it . What I'm s what I'm scared of is going home going, why did you talk about that? What really that's the critic and I need to go you just sit down because I'm gonna be grateful now for getting there finding Paul Studio Having the courage to go in the door , find out he's a spectacular human , not screwing up too much in what you said And anyone who's listening, you know, or watching and isn't too bored by this, just be aware that y you're amazing and and breathe and beat and say thank you for being right here . And if you want to hear the full unfiltered stories from today's guest, you can check them out on the We Need to Talk page. Drop a like, leave a comment, and hit subs cribe. See you next week.