Childhood Laughter and Family Stories

Lemonour You made it weird with me Holes. What's happening, weirdos? The answer is no. The question is, is there anybody better than Ryan Sickler See what I did? see Do you see how I open this in an engaging and interesting way? Ryan Sickler is the host of the crab feeast I'm sorry, He was. now it's called the Honeydoo. What the fuck? I had such a strong open. The Honey Doo is his podcast, which I absolutely love. His new special is on YouTube. It's called Live and Alive. We talk about that in the special. No spoilers He's so funny One of the people that I can always talk to. We had such a great time laughing and I'm so glad you're here. Only a couple things to plug for me up top. One, this is my book, my kids book, spepells to cast on your parents. It's available for pre order, whomever you get your books Whomeever you get your books, pre order spepells to cast on your parents. It's a book where kids cast spells on the grownup that is reading the book to them. And it makes them do silly stuff withithin reason, all the grownups out there. It's not too heavy. It's a light lift and a loud of laughing and silliness and fun. So please check out spells to cast on your parents. I'm also on the road, go to petehomes. com for all the tour dates. silly, silly fun boy. My YouTube special is out now as well as I am not for everyone. My old Netflix special is also on YouTube. So just maybe check me out on YouTube. I'm also going be in Sacramento coming up next Let me see, let me see some of these Some of these good ones. someome of these good ones coming up, Portland, Maine, Verona, New York, Vancouver, San Lis Abispo, Madison and Seattle and Portland. There's a chance we might be filming my special when I'm at Portland We're not positive looking that way and San Diego. All right, everybody. so glad you're here, so glad you're here. Ryan Sickler H new special liive in the liive, cheheck it out, and for now get into it Hey there. It's Julian Louis Dreyfist. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Th Me, the show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor, and their hard earned wisdom Every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired. And yes, I'm still calling my ninety one year old mom, Judy to get her take on it all All episodes of Wise The Me from Leminadea Media are out now wherever you get your podcasts Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the happappiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier withith Gretchen Ruben podcast. My co host and happppiness guuinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Kraft. That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits Check out Happier with Gretchen Ruben from Leminada Media L and man, you're one of those You're over fifty, right? fifty three, brother. fifty three. Have you seen fifty three? That's what I always say to people. Well Have you seen fifty three? I'm actually doing a Look, I don't mean to drag anybody, but the average fifty three Looking a little rough. You know you're not wrong. Sometimes when I see people and I'm like makes me feel good about myself.m like, you sick. Can I throw this your way? Dude, you have crisped up the fryer right now 'cause we're having bacon. just I just love it Thou If I hang out with someone Look, love and respect and I'm kind to everyone But if I'm someone who's around my age And they're straight yeasty Thou will see me trimming my eyebrows. She'll see me trimming my nose here. I can see your nose clean. I'm ready to fucking move in to that nose. Nowar my age a little bit. Yes. There's a little tiny scab right here. Yes A sePapas my nasal pillows sit in there and it nasal pillows? Yeah. So instead of a fighter mask. Oh, you do a There's one that you can just have come here and they're little just they call nasal pillows and they just sit right here. Why doesn't everyone do that? Well, you also have to keep your mouth shut. Shut. So they use they use tape, hostage tape I use that anyway Do you know this? I use it. I use reallyn isn't it wild? Which part the name. Well, they know what they're doing. Listen, no one gives a fuck about hostages You'd never have rape tape You never have rape tape but hostage And it rhymes. I do you think about do Hensive is sh. It's true.u It's a joke. It's a joke.. It's a joke.ild that you have something called hostage tape. All the outrage about all the things that are out there in the world these days. And I haven't heard one little dust up about host hostage tape. That's I hear what you're triggering is that to somebody that's been a hostage who has sleep apnea G the good I sleep in through that . I went I used use. No, no, no, they used to, but they there I used it too, but the ripping it, listen, it works Yeah. I I remember the ads. you get like heered down my face pulling it off my fucking mird. Oh God. That's their whole thing. So they're in that like they're like You can use it with a beer, not an issue You can Yeah, can't you could shoot yourself with a gun too. I wouldn't recommend either, you know It was awful notot good But you gotta keep it sealed. sau. What you need is like a real thin lips only It's not going to work. It's not gonna work. Not on these lips, bro. Not on those pillows. So you apnea but you sorry, N I just look at your body. That's fucking invasive. Well, I'm fifteen, I'd like to drop fifteen pounds of going for one five. Yeah, I you know, you and I had talked about the GLPs. It's funny because we had mentioned them on my podcast and then right after was a promo forem, we were like, we're both not. But here's the thing. That's so funny Re dot comco I don't know ours is Row. co. but I know there's going to be a time just because we do have honest conversations about like, o, I don't, you know, Go ahead. I'm just saying you're the gu're the gu. You're the guess Get the fuck out of here I'm happy to see you. I don't do physical You got up. You moved. Yeah, and you know what our age. Yeah. You gotta know. What's your age? forty seven. That's not our age, bro.'s ourge You're in my zone for sure. the weeds? Yeah, you're out there with me. forty seven, fifty three? Nobody sees a difference between you and me. What's this a poem Um, Go on GOP ones, whatever, fine for anyone, whatever. I just happen to have a blood disease and after everything that's goingone on, I'm not injecting any new shit into this system. E with your blood. But also the thing that helps me is keeping my machine in motion Move that body. moveve the body and the mind. You got to fight the fucking urge to late night snack and eat overeat and things like that. It's mind and body, but body mostly. Can I tell you how long it's taken me to go I have to have like a meeting with my body Look. We all agree we don't like bad feelings and we like good feelings. Now they're listening. I'd like us to have good feelings Now they're leaning in You guys always have the same ideas Late night pizza, they cheer It's on' pizza bagels Darren I'm just saying, All right, Darren, S like pizza rolls. Tostinos. It's all pizza, I get it. Oh if it's cheese, wheat and sauce, it's pizza. Okay But I'm always trying to tell them And I did this last night. so I did Rick Llassman's podcast yesterday and we got stoned. And so I stay in a hotel last night And I'm in the hotel And like I know I want to order room service And then I have to talk to the team and I go We all want good feelings. I'm offering you a better feeling tomorrow You're offering me a good feeling right now. I'm offering you a better feeling tomorrow. It's the kids with the marshmallows You know that video It's the kids with the fucking marshmallows. And sometimes I can win last night I won went to bed. Room services is closed I have the same arguments, but you know who always usually wins? Wh Jerry in the corner has already got the phone I'm going How many pizzas are we getting and what's top? I know I'm already dying. I know Jerry. He's listening to the speech. Persuasive. Yeah, great, great. like an online order. Yeah yeah. Bred sticks. Wow, what they'll do with dough one hundred percent No, dude. But I did look, if room serervice had been open, probably a different story. But I woke up this morning I was taking a whiz And I remembered that I didn't eat like I didn't like have a binge. Let's call it what it is. You're not eating. fucking people that eat before a marathon, they're eating. Yeah. What I'm doing is something else. and it's way closer to sex. Yeah, it is. It's very primal. It is. It's primal. It's I'm getting face hands. I don't. I don't get utensils for that after midnight food. I'll show hand with what I'll eat with God's forks. I'll fuck up A thick soup is my b I'll go for a thick soup. What do we talk and give me an example? like a chili. Oh, is that Chili soup? No. Okay, thick soup. I'm sorry, Chili soup now. That's what you took offense with But so I'm just with you like look, I'm so on board with this When we're at this age, there's a real risk of being narsty and I'm not putting down anyone, I'm not even calling anyone nararssty. I'm just saying I've seen it. I've seen dry land. That's not a myth. There's dudes out there Dude, look Look Look Crisp Chrisp Fucin crisp Look a rress for you today Crisp lookook Look at this, Whoos, lookook at that. Whoos, crisp And dude man. This is what Val said to. This is what dude. feel great about yourselfself right now because I don't. V my wife told me She's like Pete The stuff I'm from the nineties, right? So the stuff that I did when I was a young man to show that I didn't care No effort with the hair, sweat pants, Dick bulge One shoe, you know what I mean? Yeah That stuff that was kind of cool to look irreverend. When you're over forty one Pull both your pants legs down, you mother Vgger. Pull them both pull down down. Pull them both down. Yes. So straight your hat up or turn around. straight. Make aoy. right, makeake a chooy. Right. Make a chooy. We're like cops. Make a chooy fag. It's gotot right now. I need crisSper shoes. I don't know when it happened, but at a certain age, if your shoe, if I can see your foot through your shoe Oh bro. I can tell you have a hammer toe because your shoe is giving up its structure over forty one, you better get fucking better shoes. They don't have to be fancy shoes, but I need a new shoe. You're hitting on so much, right? right? This is tra This is from trauma. I'll come back to it, but here's shoes. Yeah, the cleanliness. Here's how I know that I'm getting older Um You know, when I'm single. And I get a tap on the back these days I'm like I wonder if this is going to be my wife You know what I mean? I wonder if this is gonna to be my wife then Jerry who's eating the pizza and cornerers like It's not It's to me an old dude that wants to talk to you about your shoes. And as soon as I turn around, it's like, Hey, man, those are great shoes and it's always a guy our age. It's gonna be about my fuc shoes everyvery fuck because we want to know how yes You look happy. I mean, what kind of support you get Yeah? How I feel? Do You want to know about shoe? Do you want to know about? whyy am I wearing ultra shoes? wide foot bed I'm done. You you sprawl your toes? I'm done. you're supposed to Okay, you're a mother you're a real you're a real one if you know the phrase toe box. Oh I do PT with my physical therapist and we are now He's making me take my shoes off and really learn the tripod and how to fan my toes and it's like am I in my fifties learning how to fucking walk properly right now? He didn't know. Yes. He's like almost everyone walks incorrectly, but you don't fucking know that. You just walked away me what he told you? Well for I but also again, I have a disease. So I have a disease called Chark Cotat Marie Tooth disisease. It's the three doctors' names Oh wow, you're tired of explaining. Yeah. it's it's CM. You're tired of Rs on. Looks that a haunted house Two Who's the tooth?? How' the tooths gota do real G out of here knee down. I'm missing and so are my brothers, my dad everybody a layer of muscle I played soccer my whole life. I was all Juo in college. These things should be fucking tree trunks. Yeah, but they're not. They're sticks. They're little they they say the best visual comparison will be an inverted champagne bottle It doesn't have that It's just got the little yeah ye yeahiny. Yeah yeah Yeah. So I have fucked up feet, very high arches. and he's even like, I can get this whole thing under here. I'm like, yeah, I have a disease. I had to go get we had to go to Hopkins in Baltimore where we're from and get tested for it and everything and the tests are You're you're in Probably ninth, tenth grade at the time take in have you walk a treadmill M And that's all fine. You're like, you know, whatever. And then they fucking take your feet. And they make you sprawl your toes and they take needles and they inject them in between the webs. And Wit in between the toes. Yeah, each one Nles, deep. I'm sorry, is this season nine of America Horseory? This is not ex not right It's what? Dexter Dexter, it is, but it's like the EPs are like, you can't do that. Dude they stick you, but they stick you Till you, yo 'ause what they're testing is your nerves and everything are not the way they should be. So it's a yes, every toe, they're like, And so we're gonna stick you until you scream so we can gage. and you're like, what? And they're going you're like I mean, all the way through. And then they take this fucking, it feels very cattle prodish But it's an electric you know, almost horseshoe Put it right on your ankle bone And it vibrates hard. And then you when you scream in pain, that's where I'm like, okay, he's He's They call that the data twow seconds. That's what they're doing. Scream. What kind of scream? I mean, it's a No, I know. it's the greatest They're grading the screen. you ever think about even putting an electric rod against your outside of your ankle boat under that tender part right there? Oh, brutal. So anyway, I'm learning now what was gained from this? A special foot? Just a clarification that you do indeed have. I don't need clarity then we started wearing for a while edic like but specifically crafted to your foot and everything. Okay. It's just It is what it is. This is when you were young. Yes is. This where humor comes in. I mean, like I know it' a lot of Well So here's the funny thing about this. I've said this on my pa before though. So the doctor, there's three of us, my brother Both my brotherers, me and my dad's there And the doctor says to us, he says, you know, this is what you have. And you know, we're like, no one's ever heard of that. Like what are you talking about? He's like, Well You're basically one step away from being a Jerry's kid You're old enough to remember Jerry's kid. So that's the thing. my dad mate. And then my dad asked the three of us to step outside the door and we were like, Oh hell, we knew what was about to happen. We yelled at him? Oh, he ripped his That's not anppropriate thing. How Yes, how unperfect say Yeah,re you're a step away from being. And then to say a Jerry's kid A step. I'm must step away That's c That's not cool. This guy just had a bad day and leted out on some children. who have who was walking And he's like, you're a step away from being 'causeuse the Jerry's kid was an insult. It was like it was like kids were in chairs and it was God was it multiple What was? Yeah O was it muscular dystrophy? I can't remember. I just said yes for about One of those. It's one of those debilitating Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have that. But only in Boston are they like, Ohh, there's a charity that helps those kids. I'm gonna to take the name of that charity and call those kids on the playground that Yeah. Like Jimmy Fun. What you were Jimmy Fun? Yep. Remember the Jimmy F? I do, of course. I remember Jimmy Jimmy Fun. You know what else, Pete Holmes. I want to talk about this because back then also U postal. Postal workers were going crazy going postal. It became a term And now it's just an's shoot. Not gone, but not at the post office it's not gone. What did the postal service do or what were they doing that they stopped doing? Yes. that corrected that. thinkink about this. There were so many shootings specifically that there was a term at the postal service, but but by postal employees, not raandos coming from the outside attacking Yeah inside their own organization There was so many of them, people coined the term you're going coostastal. He's good. don't go postal. Don't go postal When's the last time we heard about a post office shoot Never did the postal service do that the schools aren't Yeah that that everyone else isn't. Why can we not study what the postal service did? What did they do? Yeah. What was it And apply it other things. I just saw what a great job Think about the turnaround on that. I know to have a What was it?o. What was it? That's a greate What made them all go crazy? and what made them stop? Right More employees, fewer rootes, Bet pay. Better pay. Papa John, B hell Better pizza Bter pizza, better ingredients a r kind of thing I don't know I want to know You ever have an idea and you're like, why am I thinking of this? So w Fi This is weird. Wi Fi can tell how you're moving. Wiifi, I'm going to explain this badly But they figured out that people in a room change a W Fi signal So then they kind of like reverse, I'm going to say reverse engineer, it's not quite right. But they were like, well, then can we use WiFi to track people and that's what they're doing. They know If they were using that technology because of the WiFi signal in this room, that my hand is up, my hand is down. It's like a new surveillance thing. Oh, it's that detailed. It's not just geol loocation.'s they can tell you're scratching your nose.on't And you're over there now withithout a camera. Without a camera. So Wiifi is everywhere. And now this is real paranoia. I know I just this is real. I didn't know this is real. is. But I'm over here going like, okay, so there's WiFi everywhere, which means there's surveillance everywhere This is not me. I'm not trying to be funny or make light. Obviously active shootings are the most terrifying thing. It's awful. Can we fucking Why am I going like, well, we need an AI that has eyes everywhere They can spot a guy in a trench coat. You're telling me somebody with nine guns. Do't, I'm not trying to be funny. doesn't light up a system Basic system We got some fucking street lights on the way to the thing canan't Set up an alert that a guy is walkking Walking like he's fuckking Like he's got a gun. Not a normal guy He's got a taxi driver kind of walk the movie Set up I think all taxi drivers are all for all at all cameras for all taxi driver movving. I want you to know what I mean. People are listening to this spot in their taxi. Theyre like, how dare you It's an other stereotypes But it's on their radio somehow. How were they getting it on their radio? All like, but that's a real why am I thinking of G fucking question Everywhere the parking lot of a mall. There he is. You're telling me weapons on You know where my car is when I get out of it. Great fun. You can tell what I buy, but you can't tell that I'm armed. fucking get with it and I hope Some fucking dingbat at the NSA is like, you know, he's right How can aite on rightite about those cab drivers and about this. Up the surveillance on the yellows. They call the yellows. yellow. The yellows are the problem Why am I thinking of this? Also why it's a bit of for ter but I need one level head everyone out there now has a fucking gun and everything, which is fine. I' like to there where you the difference between I'm not I'm not I'm not taking any hot take here. I'm just saying there's a difference between a man in Texas with an open carry or even a concealed carry and a motherfucker looking to do major shit G but this isn't Maybe look, it could be a teachable moment. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm like, this doesn't seem like the most unsolvable problem. It seems like we can't outlaw guns because people make the other argument. Okay, fine. thenen how else can we start looking at areas and setting up some alarms. I mean, here's the other thing, just for schools and churches. You're t there. You're telling me we Hello sharks. You can fly. Hello shark. He Sharks. Guess what There's wi Fi in this room that can tell if I'm doing this or doing this. It can also tell if I' this fucking shot gun down one of my legs. And I'm walking like Robert De Niro and the Irishman. maybe Let let security know Jesus, You're just giving me ideas. So H it. You could take a drone right now and fly it toward LAX. Yeah at some point it will hit a wall that has been created by I guess TSA will say that where that drone will drop and fall and you cannot Oh it iseter. Yeah, you cannot invade that perimeter. Yes. Bom. Air space. So why can we not put a WFi perimeter around public schools and churches so that if anyone with a weapon enters that perimeter we know right away we're driving drone fucking I can't have drones looking at the fucking That's another one. Let's put the drone Gourmet Gourmet recipes are top secret. Get these drones out of here. I't believe I supppplies we got drones. We got to have the drones, man They should have drones over schools. Why not? I don't know why Look, two guys fixing it, but like I let me tell you something. I don't think anybody's fixing it. I got it. when I'm retired Y is what I'm doing when I'm retired. Yes. You can hire me Yeah. I'll fly a drone over your school Yeah I'll sit in a car a block away. Also I'll listen to fucking AM sports radio. You've nailed it and chill. and if anything invades that space, guess who's on it? I'm going to call some buddies too. It' All we need to do is have a TV with a soccer game on espresso. You're telling me you can't get seven bring seven bod retirees There would This work. We're not exited to go chase them. Nobody. We don't We don't do shit. That's it. Until we're tattletailes You fucking go. Yeah. My dad hangs out at Dunkin Donuts every day. S that Dungin donuts do wait for this You think they're not w Who's way hero That's what say he's got An chance. Yes. another chance Fuck And you d And you fucking to thwart a fucking school Sarted it Now the obituary is fucking front page. Come on bro. You used to be in the fucking the mail might make You were never people You I might make the corner of People magazine. You will be top right corner of people. Depending on what celebrities have died That's tr you you'll get more real estate pray that no celebrity dies because then people will they'll give me the cover. Yeah, they might give me the cover. This guy right here. What a gift to everybody What a gift we keep talking about. everyveryone keep saying more guns and I'm not against having guards The more gun policy doesn't bother me Um But if you're saying We shouldn't have more guns. what's your solution I'm saying, hey, drones are pretty fucking good. solution to at least alert the authorities to get there much quicker. I don't believe that we don't have the technology to have a drone that can tell me who's carrying a gun. I don't believe it. We I don't fucking ' you're right. They right. They could drop a missile down a chimney three thousand feet air accurate through an air vent. They done done, done It plays the song You hear in the back And then it'sro it hovers down like an F fifteen goes, What up bitch? And then kills you. There goes. It's Brittanyy bitch. It's like it's funny. Yeah. It's funny It has a sense of humor. It's funny don't I watched a video about a CIA guy spilling the beans. Do you ever watch one of those videos and you're like How is this guy doing this? And he was like The one that I remember is can they listen with your phone And he was like, off course. Yeah. And he goes, they can listen to your TV. You know what I do every time I get into the hotel? Unplug that TV. You unplug it? Unplug it You know why I can't? Beause I'm about to jay it I'm tense I didn't mean to look at you, Kaby That was such a weird time. I was looking for a laugh. I looked to Katie for laughs when that was a weird time to lock guys. I unplug that TV. But the other thing he says is they can take control of your if your car has a computer, they can make it look like you crash. No doubt. And then he goes all that interview. You saw this one I did So do you know right now, not to get conspiracy theors, but it's leaning that way really good friend of mine. his father owned a junkyard of salvagard in Maryland that I grew up working and he now owns one in Baltimore City. Recently around the United States, I think it's fifteen different salvagards have Um urn Hm just miraculously caught on fire. What? And the theory is that government does they're trying to get rid of all the old cars because they want to track every fucking car, every movement. They want to be able to know if you're too drunk to get in that car or if you're speeding in that car. likeike these cars are gonna are telling on us. The car I driars are telling have a always like I ripped that GPS out and we were all like What you Yeah. My car will tell on me. So they told me it's a lease, but they told me I couldn't put snow chains on it but I could put belts on it. The car told you? The Volkswagen told me that. the screen? No, the dealership I was getting the car But what they told me was, I said, how the fuck are you gonna to know And they said the car will tell on you It will sense heavier chains and it will report to Volkswagen that I'm violating the fucking lease So it's already pass If you went right to where I went, I was like, oh, we should buy vintage cars. Yeah. And they're like, Oh, we'll take care of. And we're burning those right now So I hit him up just two nights ago. I'm like, yeo, you see this and he said, He said he feels like those might be a lot of the lithium battery places that are getting caught and burnt up and whatnot. Wait toring the place lithium battery people are torching the places. Yeah. ye. Well, he thinks so.. anyy of the future people want to get rid of the past, but because they don't want us totting around a little nineteen eighty, whatever. Yeah, yeah. They want to know where the fuck Pete Homes. He's making a likeike you said, he's raising his arm. He's giving a finger to lady out the w. The wi one is that's real parentood Because Wiifi iss everywhere And then it's like, well, we can track your movements with wiifi. Like I almost feel bad, but you should know You should know they'll be like, Yeah always believe this. think of all the things sure could people have seen humans do in the privacy of their living room. I know Keat Signature. All kinds Lots of gizon. all kinds. So much gizzon. They probably could bust a bunch of pedophiles and stuff, but in doing that without themselves that they've been spying on us all these years. the conundrum of the pedo pedo. Yeah, the double pedo triple You' probably seen me all over the internet talking about Magic Mind because I'm absolutely obsessed. and I drink it every single day. And before every single episode of this podcast, Magic Mind is a functional blend of magical ingredients that help you feel dialed in, focused, and energized. And I absolutely love it. They also have something that you might not know about though Which is called Magic Mind Sleep. I just updated my Magic Mind subscription to ship me a thirty day supply of Magic Mind every month and a thirty day supply of Magic Mind sleep because it helps me so much, it helps me fall asleep faster, stay sleep longer and wake up feeling refreshed. And the ingredients are incredible. Althianine. I used to just take althianine supplements av I used to take a Kava supplement, five HTP. Okay. I used to take supplements for all of these. I had all these pills on my countertop to fall asleep and now they're all in one place. Ashwagandha, lemonbalm, lavender, magnesium glycinate, which is the right magnesium for sleep Valerian. Gaba. I mean go. Get magic mind in your life Dial in in focus and also now to fall asleep at night. Right now, Magic Mind is hooking up weirdos with twenty percent off your first order. Get the original Magic Mind or maybe the free or maybe the Max, depending on how much caffeine you like in your life, and get Magic Minds sleep. Just go to magicmind d. com slash weird and use promo code weird at checkout You know how some clothes just quietly become your favorites? You don't really plan it, you just keep reaching for them. That's been my experience with Qints. They make really great, well made essentials that somehow end up just being the things you wear all of the time. Like I got one of their Mongolian cashmere sweaters Val insists I wear it on date nights. She always comments on it and it feels great. It's soft and comfortable and fits with basically everything works with everything. And for summer, Quintince has one hundred percent European linen shirts and pants starting at just thirty four bucks, which is a great deal. They're breathable, easy to wear, and perfect for when it's hot out, and their tees are super soft and they're lightweight cotton sweaters are ideal when the temperature drops a little at night like it does here in California. What I also love is that Quintince is priced really great. It's like eighty percent sometimes, fifty percent to eighty percent less than similar brands by working directly with ethical factories that cut out the middlemen. So you are paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. And it's not just clothing, they do home goods, travel essentials, and everyday stuff That feels a little elevated without being ridiculously expensive. So make your summer wardrobe easier and better. Go to quintince d. com slash weirdo for free shipping on your order and three hundred sixty five day returns now available in Canada too. That's QuincE dot com slash weirdo for free shipping and three hundred sixty five day returns Qinces d. com slash weirdo We talk a lot about the meaning of life on this podcast, but the truth is if I get a terrible night's sleep, I'm not just saying this, I'm like, maybe it means nothing sleep is so important. This podcast is sponsored by our friends at Casper. We've slept on a Casper mattress for years long before they sponsored the podcast, so this is an easy one for me. In fact, Casper pillows have recently come into our lives and also upgraded our sleep sleep ame Yeah, I'll say that. Val and I love it and we're huge fans of everything they do. They make reliable, high quality mattresses designed to deliver consistent, comfortable sleep night after night. Their mattresses are highly rated by consumer reports. and out of ninety nine mattresses, consumer reports named Caspper's the one mat mattress rated all foam mattress of twenty twenty six. What I like is they make mattresses for all kinds of sleepers. If you like firm, soft or somewhere in between, they've got options. They are also built to last so you're not replacing your mattress every few years. It's also fun to open a box with a mattress and watch it expand. It's like an eighties foam toy unfolds in front of your eyes. And Kasper offers one hundred night risk free trial so you can try it out for yourself. Although with more than one hundred ten thousand five star reviews, I'm pretty sure you're going to love it like we do. So plus, they just launched a brand new kids mattress so even the youngest sleepers in your family can get the same comfort and quality. Right now save up to thirty percent on mattresses and up to thirty five percent off On everything else when you go to casper. com try the pillows. thirty five percent off on the best pillows in the world, Casper. coma onene last time that's csper d. com and save up to thirty percent on the mattress you deserve would u Would you want to If I could freeze the world Rrozen And now you just get to walk around and like go in houses and see what people are doing. Is that appealing to you or is that like not? Yeah. Yeah like fuck. I would love it. I would love it. I would love it. I would love it. You know, I just it appeals to me to be a ghost. I come back as a spirit. I'd love through your place ch. I wouldn't be one of those moaning ghosts. No. I'd be keeping it. I'd just do shit like this J's just that. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's how you keep your job. better. That's how you keep your job. You start being too loud Y they're exercising you and everything.. Oh yeah. ye. you start moaning, you start showing up next to their bed. nextext thing you know, there's a spell you have to honor some do some positive shit. likeike I don't know. Every time we get up the fucking dog food's there. You know what I mean? Shit like that.ike ourur spirit good. Helful. Shit changed in our studio. Did you think Katie for a second, maybe it was a ghost? Because we never come back here except when we're recording and we came in and the tripod was different. Katie's chair really was adjusted One of the windows was online There's money missing. I'm just kidding it's like it's clearly a burglary. My daughter just asked me this, do you have any good ghost stories? past, any childhood or what I have is the best ghost stories in the world from the guests of this podcast. Yeah. Do you have a favorite Yeah, Brett Goldstein had one that was awful And Matthew Greay G Goobler, Goobler had a story about walking past a guy. he was staying in like this hotel in like when he was just in Hollywood and he was walking up the stairs and he saw this old guy that he lived with and he was walking down stairs, he's going up the stairs and he' like Good evening, Mr. Richards or whatever. and he's like, hi. And like he found out later that he was dead for like hours Like he was long dead when he saw him walking down the stairs Me too You know the best one Lady goes, it's like Cape Con renting a cottage her in her five year old kid He's in the car seat, goo and check it out I've told this a million, but it's so quick So it's almost over. She gets up. She leaves the little kid the in the passenger seat And she goes on the porch. the house. Okaykay surres Just checking the keys Goes out on the porch, locks the door. She hears a voice, classic ghost thing Get out Right here She turns No one's there Iar it must have been the wind, I'm hearing shit. gooes in the car Just a little rattled kid goes, what did that man want I'd have been like weir Oh yeah on. I'd burn it down like an old car lot Goodbye. I'll give you one. You want a fun one? Is this yours? This is mine. I feel like you got it. Creepy. You got it. So I did a show years ago it was an NPR show actually up in Lake Arowhead. Okay at a place that was formmerly owned by Muggsy Bogs and Muggsy Boggs. My. He's an MBA player from Baltimore, a little five foot leng Oh my Godd Not mugsy buugs Not Mugsy. Mugsy Seagle Foxy Seagle a gang ciret But you see hum. Yeah. It's like the spud web of our time. Okay ye. all right. So They had a little, um Back in the day, this building here was you know, there was slot machines, gambling, things like that, a little hall. cigarette girls. But ye, but they had a secret tunnel underneath the street that went over to this house here that was a whore house. Yeah. So the gangsters would bring their wives cards to play cards, slots, whatever, have see a show, have a meal. they dip over here, they sleep with a prostitute, they come back over here This also is situated where they told us that I guess When the police would come get them, they could see them coming up the mountain. So they're like, we're out of here and they'd sneak out the backside. So it was situated perfectly and it's called It just came to me. So the former Um Brothel was called the Brecken Manor Fer Brecken Fern Manor. Okay or Brackenfern Manor So the deal is you're going to perform this for this NPR show that's going to go somewhere on NPR or whatever to stand up And then you're going to sleep at the air or excuse me the bed and breakfast across the street the former brothel Okay. I know I don't research it or anything. but my daughter is, she's a newborn. I mean, she's under one at the time So I'm like, hey, let's make a little weekend out of this This sounds family friendly. It is totally family friendly. So I'm like we get to go to Arrowhead. We got a free Airbnb. They invited us up the night before the show. if we wanted to come and stay. We'll stay Sunday we could hang out up there where it's one show one night easy p this So We do. We head up Friday and We don't get there till late though, you know, we have to go after work and we don't get there till like eleven o'clock And at this point, Everyone is checked in Okay. Now I don't know if you've ever stayed in a bed and breakfast where the bedrooms have names That's always fucking creepy. Yeah, the sunlight. You're in you're no, no no. I mean, people like you're in Delilah You're in Jason Yeah H're in Freddie. You're down the hall in Miguel. This is Pennywise. Yeahep. I don't like any of this. So we get there and it's You know, it's an arrowhead. It's in the woods. Yeah. Big fucking manner. pull into the parking lot. It's dark And they say, you know, punch the code at the door, you'll let yourself in, you'll sign the guestbook, and then your information will be there for you and you'll know which rooms you're going to So we do. You know Sorry, this is great because Airbnb's are already so creepy. B breakfast excuse me. Yeah, they arens, not Airbn some gu's condo, a real Bnb where they're like, We'll leave the light on for you. And when you we wake you in the morning to have breakfast with everyone, all the straight everyone fucking ate that of course. I took a girlfriend one time. We didn't know we had to do that and we got there and I started seeing him go around the table and I just leaned over her and I go Be whoever the fuck you wantan to be Oh my. And then we just made up names and jobs and shit. By the way, the least affair friendly place in the world. And what's your deal? Jack McBreay type f And what bak you doing are you shating on your wife? Yeahking adultery. You can move. Keep it clean bre. We don't want any Earl gray. We're good. And you shouldn't eat The cook should be in the back. You can't eat an omelet sererved to you by the guy who made No No. Fucking scram. The skillet hasn't been washed since eighteen. fuck outa here I'm having an affair. I'm cheating on my wife and I said over medium eggs. You ever do crowd work and you realize you're seeing a guy with a sex worker? No. I am I've never I've done enough crowd work where I've never seen a guy or a woman cheat on their partner or or sex worker. It's the worst idea in the world. bringing a fucking prostitute to the show. This was in the early two thousands. You're paying for that time. I know. Oh yeah. I think he wanted to be an evening with This guy. Yeah, I think it was a real escort and like a real back when that word meant something. Yeah. I don't just want to know Chill three or four clients. Three four she Yeah, the whole day of a picnic Th a dinner And the show with me and I want to be seen. this guy wanted to be seen. That's interesting. He looked like he was a melting old man And this woman was just, but she was Just very clearly On the clock Mhm Don't say on the You should have been fucking. You should have done two hours then You know what else? Yeah, right? This guy I was MC this guy's clearly W would' have murdered? It took a viire. Or what about a pregnant woman smoking? I've been doing standup long enough that you had to you're doing crowd work and there's a pregnant woman hiding her cigarette. W Yeah Okay I back to this haunted story. No, yeah, please. I was in Laolla a few years ago. And I saw a lady with a pregnant belly smoking. And I thought, manan. But then I also thought What if she just had the babe What if she just fucking had it? Oh, they don'tt got it right away. No. Yeah. It's not like a bounty house. She could have just had it Yeah two days ago. and she's this might be her first one she had had for a year. You know what I mean? So I went there first like before you fuced And youuck kicked woman.uck. And then I saw a hand and kick I was like Oh gosh, you fucking dilate. You The fuck a baby held the cigarette where she Oh my It holds up there But I gave her grace this sounds Sam mebe in the asshole. Yeah yeah, that's nice. Could you imagine if I was the asshole, like you fucking I just had this b. I'm like, Oh my God. I know What if also there's always the what if that's just your shape? What if that's just a shape? I don't know pregnant lady. I've never guessed a woman's pregnant. She can be reading what to expect when you're expecting Yeah with the roundest basketball belly and I'll just be like, how are you you can breg it up if you want want any. I have the same policy with eye patches. You want it You want to tell the tale Piloting a sealane Go ahead, tellell me about the guy you just took to Death Mountain. Death Mountain. That's on you. I'm not gonna go what happened proroceed. Okay. great, great scene set by That was a commercial break. We're back up. It also made me think of a wild eye patch story. Do you remember Will Anderson, comedian from Australia dude. you definitely knowew.. I'll come back. but anyway, haunt it out. So we get to this manor they call it, the Bracken Fern manor and go in and it's Early quiet, of course. Great. Kitchen little in the back you can see dimly' seeing stuff like She not ye, she's We're signing in And then we're in the back two rooms. Ges the pen Thank you, Thank you. It was a qu. I'm a real Michel Winslow. They got go about Mike. You shut your mouth about Mike. You go up the creaky fucking stairs and you pass the rooms, Delilah, blah, blah, blah. We get all the way in the room. And we are the back left and right rooms because when you go in this left room, you have a conjoined bathroom that goes over to this room. Do that make sense? I'm trying to give you the picture. So you go in this room and then there's a bathroom that runs along the wall here that this room and this room share. Yeah, yep. Okaykay. S. My Iice cream sandwich, but the bathroom is the ice cream My stepson's gonna stay in this. That's exactly right. This room and my daughter's mom and I and the baby are going stay in this room. So It's fucking it's a creepy thing. There's, you know, there's a tree scratching on the window, you know, while you're trying to sleep the storm w there They're just dusty enough and we're on the second of three flo. Can I ask you this? Is it the kind of light switch that's two buttons, like two push buttons, like circle black How can you like You know what I mean? Yeah That's when you know you're fucked. You're either the termile with You know the you can click it in to turn them off or you can make them real lightight or Yeah, ye light ye yeah So I love that you remember. Oh, this is this scared the fuck out of me. So u We're laying there. and at this point now, you know, we're checked it's after midnight, whatever trying to get the baby to sleep and she's pretty much out So We both are in the bed with I see that Flicker. We're both in the bed the side the baby in between us And my stepson's in his bed over there and I can't sleep And the next thing I know This fucking entity. I'm on my back Pete Holmes this thing lays on top of me Can't fuck a move I'm wide awake Ive told story before people you fucking idiot, sleep paralysis. I've had sleep paralysis before. You weren't as sleep yet. Nope. I've had the sleep paralysis where I'm trying to run and I have to run on all fours like a werewolf because I can't get up and control like the fear of running. I'm not That's not what's happened. No anxiety. I'm not panic. I just can't sleep. and the next thing I know there pressure on top of me. I can't fucking Try I can't fucking scream eyes are I'm as excuse me, awake as I am talking to you right now I can't do anything. And at this point I'm trying to free this fucking left hand up to just swing it over to wake my daughter's mother up. I'm just trying to nudge or anything. I can't I am locked in my a witness. I'm trying to do anything. Look at this and I'm trying to I'm making as much noise as I can. I'm trying to buck the anything that you see its face. Nothing. I feel every bit of this of a person. It's no doubt it's a human figure the weight, the the bags just on me. I was going to bed. mightight have been So and then finally it's it's a good five minutes and then it goes away. That's a long It's a long fucking you've done Think about that. That's a stand up TV set. I am fucking and trying. She's not fucking waking up. It finally goes away. and you hear anything? What if you heard like I would I would terry that is That would terrify me more than a scream Some fuckin Yeah, it's just breathing. Some fucin fuckin entity that has sleep apnea pututs on hostage tape So when I finally have my body back, I am m I'm mad. I'm mad at her And I'm like, you didn't fucking feel that. You didn't hear. I'm over here fucking nothing. No she's like Mmhm And I go, something fucking something's in here. something laid on me Somet fucking now I can't sleep I'm not scared, but my adrenaline is now through the roof. likeike what the fuck was that? Yeah. So I don't know. threeree or four o'clock I finally, you know, I not off. Get up in the morning, we do breakfast, we do our day. and I say, you know what? before the show I'm going to walk over to the venue And just I like to see the place before I go. Ia say it. You know what I mean? I like to see it. I want to meet the people because we didn't meet any We checked inittle Reonnaissance. So I go in. And the owner of the manor is there, this really nice older lady. And she goes, How'd you sleep last night?'s first thing she said? And I go She goes, how come? I go, Well I say everything I say to you and I'm like we get in and things laying on me and she starts elbow her husband. tellell what you just said, I go Yeah, fucking things' laying on me and she just looks at me Don't remember the name she said, but she goes, That's Carl. I go, What She goes, Yeah. I go, That place is halling and Hh she goes It has a history. And I'm like, kind of history And she starts telling me shit. there was a handyman in the middle of the day who's working in like the Delah room or whatever And he's, you know, it's daylight. lights are on everything and all of a sudden the name Delilah gets spelled in the quilt as if someone's doing it with a finger and he fucking left and never came back One night her personally, said and she also said, please write this in the book. There's a book next to where you signed in full of these fucking stuff. What?? So what? Yeah. Wait, sorry, there was a handyman that saw someone write Delilahid didn't see a figure but saw the impression of what looked like like a finger would be writing the name. But did he see it being written? Yes. And he was like a fuck your goddamn. Sorry This test grabbit is out of here Never. You can leave me a bedro. I'm out. I'll leave it. ye yeah. Yeah. So Another one is so Delilah is a girl who it was either murdered or killed herself in that room So what I find out over the years it goes from a brothel to like a rehabilitation center to a drug facility and treatment. And so a lot of mental halfway house, a lot of a lot of problematic people going in and dark souls Problem addict or problem addict Did you say problem addic or problem addict? Can it be both? said probleblematic U bro. She tells me herself. I go, youre fucking serious right now? She's like, tons of them, Ryan. She goes one night She goes, obviously I don't keep candles in my library because I don't want to fucking burn my library down. I've never put candles in a library in this house. And she said, one night I woke up. And this is when she was staying. I came down the stairs and I smelled freshly burnt like someone just blew out some candles And I'm walking the whole place. I go to the library, I open the door Not only are there candles in there that I've never put in there, but they are freshly burnt out So So the afterlife is just more reading That guy maybe you and me like fucking put some candles in this library and fucking blow them out. Yeah. So now I go back and I tell my daughterers's mama, you're not gonna fucking believe this shit. I tell them we go down and look at the book and the story after story of freaky fucinking shit So many stories So I do the show and I'm sorry. when I come back over after like the little check in, my daughter's screaming and she won't She won't She's just screaming. She's a baby notot even a year staring at this corner and screaming crying, screaming crying. And Donna was like, I can't get her to calm down. I can't I go, well, listen to this shit. I tell her all this stuff So My stepson was with me when we went to do the thing. He had run back to tell his mom to. She's on the phone with her mom just trying to talk and try to calm this baby down or anything. notothing's working So I do the fucking show. come back. I read a little more of that book. Listen, Pete, when we were done I think it was eleven o'clock maybe when I got done And I got back up in that room and my daughter's mother goes, She will not stop crying. She stared at this corner, Ryan. two fucking hours and I said Pack this shut up We're not spnd at the night Rro. We're not going be the white people in the horror fucking movie at at midnight. I packed my family car up and God Fuck Sunday and Arowhead. We drove back to LA. everyone was sleeping, not me Got back at like one hundred and thirty put everybody in the house and went to fucking sleep and I was like holy fuck that place. Now this is back when I was doing the crab feeast with Larson. okay? Jay really wanted to go this bear do the show. A lot of people would do it. It was I don't even remember how it came my way, but it was really was the show was great. you know, It really was it's just I love I'm such a comediian. I'm like, o, really, I I know That's what everybody is. likeike it does listen Little haunted. I thought we're having a lice little family weekend and arrowhead. we get to do a show. I'm gone for an hour and a half and I'm walking right there when I'm done. You know what I mean? I' got a Ura. It's right there. Yeah. You can even bring the baby. It was such a big place that they could have sat somewhere over there. Anyway I tell Jay and then I guess the owner or the guy who ran the show. Did you tell Jay the story And Jay's you know Jay's like whatever, fucking bullshit and blah, blah blah sle sleep powses, all this shit. I'm like, whatever. So a couple years later I find out that Jay didn't go do it And I go, um, What happened? You turned it down? He goes, Yeah. I go, whyy'd you turn it down He goes becausecause of what you said, I go so hold on a minute. All that All that fucking chest beaten about I'm a pussy and an idiot and everything else and you turned it down cause. And then I guess the dude that ran the show was you know, was upset with me because he said, don't tell people this. They won't want to come. I'm like, bro I'm telling everybody this. So then I went back and I've looked up the Brack and Fern manor, you Google it There's plenty of history there to read and see. See, this is my show pitch. Are you ready? It won't work. It's impractical But we get the most stight start to the pitch. I know. Well, that's why I'm okay pitching it on this podcast ' if I thought it was really a viable idea, I wouldd keep it to my dang self But we get the hardest core materialists we can find. The pilot is going to be Neil de Gras Tyson. Okay and Bill Ny These guys don't believe in any of this Hooi put them in that room and they have to stay there. withith night vision what What do you think they would think it was? Well Certain They're going to tell me I almost in sleep paralysis too. They're going to tell me. Now what happens to them here's a million to one shot. That's the way happens the world works Oh I know. You know what I mean? We don't like gay people. You know, your cousins gay. All right, so we ye, what what? Soon as it happens to you That's so funny. My first wife, she was from Maine, and I won't say who it was, but like somebody in her extended family was like anti gay or whatever and I was like Yeah, you don't know any gay people You know what I mean? Like there's a reason H's a thing he probably did. Yeah, he did, but didn't know he did. He might have known one Re well. Yeah But you know, you moved to New York You might have just come with a new character The long w' to keep it shut for a while. I long one Re. Keeping a new idea going now I. The funny thing is if you go to New York, it just takes a while for it to come back online. It just t some time There we go But I also I look at that the other way. You ever look at it the other way? likeike Not not with gay rights or human rights. What do we call that? just sex rights? What do you mean G give me an example. look at. What I'm saying is I'm not bending on human dignity. But if I lived in rural, I won't even name a state But if I lived in some very, very different place I don't know. I try to make this point. I can't make it funny. If I was raised in A very Republican place, a very gun friendly place. if I lived in the woods, And there were bears and people were like, you got to have a shotgun I would have a shotgun You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I try to go like, what I'm saying is like Or you can even do it amongst time. I've always said like if I were you, I'd be you. If I was raised by you. If I was raised by your parents, if I had all the same friends, the same school, the same location Of course That's what we need. We need people to go like, I'm me because of all of this and you're you because of all of this. And if I was in that situation, I'd be you. And if you were in my situation, you'd be me. That's a great place to start. You can also do it for time. Like baby it's cold outside. You know how everybody every Christmas has a hard time with baby it's cold outside? I understand Like it's like, what's the use in hurting my pride? Like that used to be a thing. likeike, don't hurt my pride. H sex have sex with me. I gotta go home and tell people about it.ight If I was from nineteen forty eight, I would have been like And the girl too, she goes like at least I at least I'll be able to say that I tried. Like she's posturing too. they're both horny as fuck, clearly I hope Christmas, it's a horny time. and it out. But like there's this thing. it's like my brothers will be pacing the floor. I need to say that at least I tried not to do it. So you can blush in the powder room and be like, you did, didn't you? I tried You know what I mean? If we were in that time, we would have been You know how I know Everybody in that time was that way. Do doesnn't make it right. but it makes you go like, stop acting like I just saw Kimel. We were talking about the Man show and I was sort of roasting him about like the Man show. and he just goes, if you had a problem with it, you should have said something at the time. Isn't that funny? But it's right. But that's what I'm saying. We don't have to go to nineteen forty block for this experiment in the nineties, I thought girls jumping on trampolines and fucking like who' spirer than fking chair later, whatever, we were like Because that that's what it was I'm not saying it's right. But like it's all hindsight and it's all like I never would I'd never own a gun. You would if there were coyotes so you had to scare away from your chickens or whatever it is. Or if one of ate your dog and you got another dog, bet you're going to get a fucking gun now. Right. Most people start a business because they love their idea. They love their product, they love their service. They don't love paperwork. Nobody's dream is doing more payroll. Nobody's laying awake at night being like, you know what? I hope tomorrow brings more HR forms Which is why so many business owners particularly small business owners love Gusto. Gusto is online payroll and benefit software built for small businesses. It's all in one, remote friendly and incredibly easy to use. so you can pay, hire, on board, and support your team from anywhere. And that's really the appeal. Instead of juggling a bunch of different systems Agusto puts payroll onboarding, direct deposit benefits, and HR tools all in one place. They also offer unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price, no hidden fees, no surprises. pllus they help save time with built in automated tools like offer letters, onboarding documents, direct deposit, and more. So if you're dealing with a tricky people problem, you get direct access to certified HR experts support That's if you are dealing with one, that's amazing. Certified HR experts for support all through Gusto. If you're running a small business, that's the kind of stuff that lets you spend more time actually doing the work you care about. So try Gusto today at gusto d. com slash weird and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months ofree payroll at gusto. com slash weird. one more time gusto d. com slash weird. Hey, it's Julie Louie Dreyfist from Wiser than Me, Eetcetera. Just popping in with a little reality check Food waste shouldn't exist. There is no reason that our leftovers should end up in a landfill, but that's the final destination for about a third of the food we grow Our ancestors would be confused. They use their food scraps as compost, or as animal feed, or in weird soups, all the stuff we did before garbage was invented Composting is hard work. Living with a bucket of rotten food on your counter is gross. Most food goes in the trash because It's easy. And these days we'll take any easy we can get But now there's something easier Pop your scraps in a Mill food recycler It looks like a kitchen bin and an iPhone had a baby It takes nearly anything, even meat and bones. It works automatically. You can keep filling it for weeks and it never smells When you finally empty it, you've got these nutrient rich grounds. U them in your garden, pour them in your green bin, or have mil get them to a small farm. so the food you don't eat can help grow the food you do just like it should be It's why I own a mill, why I invest in mill, and why I'm still obsessed with my mill If you wantna get obsessed too, go to mill dot com slash wiser to get seventy five dollars off. That's mill dot com slash wiser for seventy five dollars off Study and play. Come together on a Windows eleven PC. And for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds. Get the unreal college deal, everything you need to study and play with select Windows eleven PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft three hundred sixty five premium and a year of Xbox Gamepass Ultimate with a custom color Xbox wireless controller Lear more at windows d. com slash student offer. Law S supppplies last ends june thirteth turns at aka. mS slash college PC Here's another thing. donon't mistake Ladies for not knowing how to use fucking guns. Yeah, that's right. That's a big mistake that anybody could make. You don't think that. You know, there's a video I saw. That's the thing. if you pull a gun, you have to be willing to use it. And you p any weapon. I'll tell my kids that And you p a knife out you better can pull a fucking gun out. That's a weapon. Yeah. You just brought a knife to a gun for You literally did So if you you better be able to fucking use it. As someone is shot at a gun range, I could never. I just really feel like I it would have to be a post apocalyptic It's aliens. but guess what Everybody Pete Second ammendment now, guys you would it. Petes voting for two A now, we got zombies everybody Wait in a zombie alien situation, we're all Chuck Noris. We're all Chuck Noris bro. We better be we fuck better I want every gun possible strapped to me in that situation I'll be able to tell because of w f Y, you'll know where I'm at. don't know too. That one' loaded video though of a mom. It was at at a school where a guy came up with a gun. There were children coming out in a crosswalk And it was a fucking lady who came up, bop, bop, bop shot in front of everybody. Listen I don't know if she's have time to go. Iverurt your eyes I would have blown her cover. backacked everybody up, but she was a mom. And she was like, bang right there. and I'm like, that's what you get, motherfucker. That's what you fucking get, Youre to come thinking women are weak and shit like that. You coming to school and this lady's like, I'll show you She said find out. She she was waiting for it. She said find out. There's a lot of people out there ready Yeah, you have a gun You'll have to find out, Pet to find out if I have a gun or not That's the perfect answer. Just because it's fun, ask me. You don't want to know. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have a gun ine up I that to feel good I've talked about this. Can you imagine the sheer thrill of wearing a MGa hat on an airplane? Oh man. The thrill. The thrill of it.. I I don't know what I I scared of the people give me a salute. You know what I mean? Yeah there's that. There's that. Like, you know, the racism from other white people that just think because you're white. you're on board and theyd lean in and do the whisper. Y. that That's what I'm thinking. we're going to get a lot of that. get a lot of that from cab drivers. love being like I'll tell you, oh boy. Or if they find out you're a comedian. That's old H. I don't even say it anymore.e either way. What are you here do?'m here I just say I'm here work. friends. I see friends. I see friends. That's even better. Even better. What do you do for the work? They ask me what I do for work. What do you why are you here? I just do To rent a car. I say tech stuff. I'm here to rent a car Can we wrap this up I forget who it was. I think about it every time I'm renting a car. It was an open micer in Chicago, brilliant bit. He goes, why do the guys at Enterprise act like they own the cars Like they're like, they're slick Like like you want one of my cars These aren't your cars. These are not your cars. What Malani said to me when I was nervous, we were both just young men and I was like I get nervous going into like, um, What what's one of those stores going into fucking I can't remember. Where do you go to get a suit Josephe Bank or suit supply. F like a nice place. Oh Habidashheri? One of those places. Okay nice I get nervous going there because the sales personerson is always wearing a suit he' older guy. He's going to make me feel like an idiot that I don't know that I'm along or whatever And Melenie goes, they work in a suit store He's not that there's anything. There'shing wrong notothing wrong with that. We was just trying to pray it's just a guy. callall him bras. He I don't think he meant he might have, but I I like I hear what he said He was just a man It's a guy.'s a guy. It's true about any job. I remember when I was performing but he should fucking know his shit though He should should the right to make me feel bad. No, but he should be able to What Millane was or was touching on there is the guys at Enterprise act like they own the cars and the guys in suit stores act like it's their manor. R. And it's not They're like, ooh, welcome bitch you work in Reach? I also love how I said Josephur suit supply and you said, No, a nice one. I didn't know what they could tell I't I think they're like men's warehouse He guarantees it He guarantees it He guarantees it gu. He puts his name on it. He puts his how about UFOs? You seem like a guy who's definitely seen a UFO Well Mm I haven't. I wish I wish, but I did go It's a crazy time. Have you ever been to Joshua Tree to the Integratron? Integratron? I know what you're talking about. I haven't and there's like a part you can sit in it and just flash into visions and shit. Dude. Is this real? It's really real. Bourdain did an episode on it too. so it's out in Sebastian Bourdainer Yeah, Sebastian Borddain. I'm glad you know him, man. A lot of people don't know. I usually have to say Sebastian Borddain wasasn't just Anthony, okay He had a brother Borde who toured around Eesoteric sites Sebastian Bion is such a good. The Bastion board. So u And look, I get a lot of things wrong and I paraphrase here, but the gentleman who built it was also friends with Nickolai Tesla and all those things back in the day, guys that were, you know next level otherworldly thinking literally. Yeah supppposedly visited by aliens and this spot on planet Earth, this particular geographical location, that fucking spot he was told to build this thing to be able to have, I believe it's communication both ways So it's entirely handmade Everything is wood. Everything, everyvery fucking rivet Everything is wood, notot one piece of aluminum, not one piece of metal, nothing. It took a few years. Nails wood the whole thing. it's all woodwood.ike It just like snced up like Legos. It's crazy. And it's big, it's big. So you you start in the bottom, it's circular and then they'll take you up the stairs and then it's what you said. So it's a circle area And it's a sound bath. Okaykay. Now I used to write and produce promos and do all this shit for shows and I'd see these bullshit shows that were like someome ladies in Chicago doing a sound bath in a fucking office and I'm like, this is hcus pocus, you know? So I go not really knowing what to U And I go with a friend And u When you get there, they tell you, bring your own blanket You're going to lay on a super comfortable bed. you take your shoes off and everyone lays with their heads toward the circle and they were about it eighteen to twenty of us, it's a lot There's a lady at the head. there and she's got all her crystals and she's talking to you. And it sounds like she's got one of those, you know, Universal studios head acoustics, but it's the fucking acoustics. And she says U, you know, stand over this hole. It's and speak. It's the only time you're ever going hear your voice like this on planet Earth. It will not sound like this any fuckkinghere else on this rocket outer space. And they're telling me that I end up It's a guy recognizes me. He and his wife and his brother had worked there. So now he's given us like the whole four hundredven And he's telling us that women will fucking stand over it and lift their skirts to get the energy into their vaginas. 's what they're doing. sh you bring your rocks. They're like, you can put your rocks over there, they'll charge like automatically charge over there in that band. Yeah. Its it charge them up I that's whom I live somewhere in between This is awesome and this is bullshit. Sure. I live somewhere in the middle of that. called Baltimore. Thank you So Um We start the sound bath. You're laying on your back and wait, did you do the voice thing Well, I didn't. first. okay. I didn't and I felt stupid No one did actually. People went over it and stood there and you can you can silently pray whatever you want. It's all it's it's so it's open all the way up So on the scale from whshing it up your coch and saying nothing. People were saying nothing. Nothing. I saw no cooches. No You lay down and the lady starts and she tells you which eats rock is and what's going to do and she starts Robinaman She says, And before she says anything, I'm like, manan, this is fucking lighting my ankles up And she said, you should feel this in your ankles. And I was like Wait, it was lighting your ankles up. You could feel the vibration like like they were testing me for Sarkcootat Marie Tooth disease, bro You like that call call back to a disease So disease callback. Then she does another one. She's telling you throughout the hour experience, I'm going to be using these crystals And I'm going to introduce you to each one. So the first one, she's like, you should feel this in your ankles. and'm before she says it Next when she starts rubbing my knees or going specific You should feel this in your knees and I'm like No longer the ankles. We've moved different stones Now we move to another stone And she hits it. and I'm like in my heart Not my chest my heart and she says, You should feel this in your heart. Now. That's three for me and I'm like, but I'm still like This is Yeah And then she does the fourth one. Pete Holmes, my fucking Theroat Like my fucking Adams apples lights up Wh whoa whoa who, whoa whoa? And she said, you should feel this in your throat and I said, I'm all fucking in My friend who was all in the beginning was like, this is bullshit. I fucking loved it The whole time. It was like a full body massage from the inside accoustics and yes. It was so relaxed. And they tell you if anyone because you're so relaxed, you'll fall asleep, possibly. If someone's storing, they want you to gently nudge them. No, no phones on. no no sounds can interrupt what's happening in this. Wow. att the end People are leaving and The ladies over there and I it's it's wider than where we're sitting to that wall right now. Okaykay? So she she's back a little ways And I go over toward the center and I I'm speaking to her and I said really sounds like you have like a microphone and headset and she's looking at me and she goes I can'tar anything you're saying louder. And I scream it. and she's like, I can barely hear that. And I was like Whoa, she goes speak, speak over that hole. And I go over there Dude. It's crazy I started I fucking threw out some prayers I throw out some wishes Your voice doesn't sound anything. You know how when you first hear your voice on tape and you're like, I don't sound like that. and eventually it catches up to you? Yeah, not this. It was always weird. It was fucking It just sounded like it had effects all over it. Yes. Wild Whoa, like almost other worldldly. It's crazy. So wait, I'm sorry. So then she says, now go back to the other sideid. So now we're fully across this thing Okay. And she says, talkal to me I start talking to her, she is and she's shaking her and she's hear you And she goes, take a small step, just a half a step to your right And I do It sounds like we're talking right now It is built so acoustically perfect that just a step over here I was able to whisper over here like, That's like Gnd Centr. There's that spot in Grand Central. And she would Yeah. abbsolutely. Yeah. It's crazy. anomal. Crazy. So I I'm all for whatever the fuck else is out there. Yeah I'm all for seeing it knowing about vibration You have a corresponding part of your body. How you figure out a rock does that? Yeah. Who's studying that? Well every culture except ours. R So I was like, let's go try this shit out and it was It was awesome. Wow Yeah, it was awesome. So cool. I loved it I'm not going to ask you to go into it because it's in your special, which is on YouTube. comot but you did almost die, right? And you've been talking to people about NDEs And you must have been getting quite a select shion. So I went u Yeah, I went for a surgery in twenty twenty three. Cedar Sinai mishandled me. U did not pay attention to me telling them. I got this blood disease Hey, please don't let me lay here Help me help me help me. Yeah. I love that part in your special where you go, this nurse went, You seem funine. And then you went, and I never saw her again That's what it's like being in a hospital. These days. It Luckily I've only been for Val's birth Uh, you know, the birth of my daughter, but like, It's crazy. Yeah. And that was pretty good. but you will see somebody and you' never see them again No longer are we getting Pete the nurse Yeah every day who knows my medications, my rhythm, my routine. We're getting Pete today. We're getting Ryan tomorrow. We're getting Katie the next day. Mbe Pete comes back again. you know what I mean? Like it's no longer a stff. It's now just freelance employeee Yeah it But long story short, that happens and Um You know, I can't work or do anything and I force myself to get back out on the road. D you die? I did not die I did collapse on the bed and black out did not officially flatline. They ots So I had a massive clotting situation. I had a Well, it went through my lung excuse me, it went through my heart first and into my lungs. But my entire lungs were covered. I didn't just have one clot, which is still horrible. onene is enough. But I had a massive pulmonary embolism. like when you pull it out, you could lay it down on the map of my of lungs and it would fill it. It is crazy. Oh no. So anyway, yes, that happens, but I get out on the road and I just start asking people if anyone's ever you know, had a near death near death experience and firstirst night. immediately Some dude in the back was like actually died And I was like, well, then fuck near death experiences. Let's start with Has anyone here actually died and come back Pete Homes in every fucking city I went to att least one often multiple. What? Every one of them. There's one in my special who I love, this lady, Rachel She was great. There's another guy that was there from earlier when I went to comedy on state in the year prior. He was shot and killed by a guy across the pond who was duck hunting I've had so many of them that are so crazy and so wild and these people come back And I'm just like, Yeah. And what what is there? Do you see through lines repeating Um s funny you say that Yeah, let's go serious for a second. The majority or at least half, I'd say or medical And I mean malpractice. I mean fuck ups. I mean, do you opening line of your special. If you're interested in staying alive, don't go to Listen, if you do everything you can to stay out of a hospital, a long term hospital stay, E you can' sometometimes you can't Every fucking thing you can. That's also why I say for me, walking and moving would be better than a shot or a pill because I'm doing something with my body, not just losing weight. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like wasting away. Yeah, you don't want to just waste away. Theres There's a tiny interjection. They're doing interesting things with sunlight too. I try and get sunlight every day And sun your butt hole? J just onn my asshole? You want it No, I mean, you do the butt hole ofum sun bathing? You've seen that. I have done it. You have your spot in my bedroom where the sun comes in real strong and I was just like Yeah Well you went forward, you didn't lay back and pull your legs over your head and get the glow. No, I went backward. Good for you. for. I didn't I didn't love it. Yeah. But anyway, I'm just saying like when you're talking about moving They're also noticing like sunlight and that's often accompanied with moving. L moving, walking,ing whatever hiking and sunlight These are two things that we've known for and I'm not trying to say that's a cure all for everything, but it's a very good step in a good direction. And they're just I like to interject here because we've had this idea that the sun is a laser beam that's trying to kill us and they're walking that back They say twenty minutes of sun. You don't have to take your clothes off Because the infrared goes sunlight daylight goes through your clothes. Yeah. And they're trying to make sunblocks that will allow that because right now the sunblocks wear do block what we could call the good stuff. But anyway, I'm just with you, the basics, movement, basics. Keep going And u I guess through line would be that, you know, really knowing You know, what you have genetically, like what issues you may have be prone to no be be your be your best and advocate Be your best advocate. go in. But if you don't fucking, you could be unconscious for a month. You could be in a coma while you're laying in there. someomebody else has to know. And again, all my shit was in my paperwork and they still missed it. So do your best. The other through line I see a lot is stupidity Lot of fucking dumb shit. and it's mostly dudes, of course dying, you know, doing dumb shit and dying to come back up fighting over a girl and getting shot. you know, dumb shit. Okay Dumb shit. Yeah. Dumb guy shit. I was also looking for that through line of their experience when they're dead. No, there's been no, I've seen the light. There's been no the other sides. There's been only one There was one lady She was in Tulsa, Oklahoma. this clip's actually up online. she was one of my favorites too. This fucking lady She was running track And her uterus, I think bursts and she wakes up in a helicopter And I'm like, what, you know what I imagine you're just running on a track and next thing you know, you're fucking I'm like your pussy explodes and you're in a helicopter And you don't know what's going on. She actually died and she said Jesus had come to her through the window and talk to her And when she told her mom, her mom was like, shut the fuck up, you're crazy. What? Yeah. And then Um, Hell, Jesus So I said to her She was talking about how she had just lost her virginity and all this stuff. And I'm like, how old are you? And she's like, sixty nine. I'm like, off course, you're fucking sixty nine. So I have a question to ask you You died. and she's like, I died. I go, okay, well then when you come back clear your virgin again. How long did it take it to lose your new virginity? And she was so sweet. She's like six months I go, who? She goes an old play from high school. I go, goodood for you. She probably She's like, I can die any fucking day now. Let's get this thing going. Enough explodinger That is it. You know what I mean? Like it's back in act's let's w go. Yeah. She was great. She was great. And I'll tell you the other one. let me give you an actual through line that as I think about it because I would say this when I would do it. They all I made a, you know, a dumb joke that says, you know, they're all Like very even they're very just right in here, they're not loud. They're not the boisters pay attention to me. people. They don't often Thats That's my whole a comback. Who am not telling every mother f? So that was Stanley Stanley was like, if I was a superhero, I'd tell everybody. Yeah. Yeah. I have a secret identity. No. So that was the thing that they were very and I say it's like almost like, you know, dying takes a little bit of the life out of you, but it was. it was almost like this Yeah chill out. Yeah, a chill level Yeah for sure for sure. Yeah Well this is why you're so crisp And what are you promoting? I just checked the time. We're just about ninety minutes can't believe. Can you believe that? And we do this for a living. I cannot believe that's ninety. I thought we were at an hour right now. I can't right I can't believe it. You're one of the best. You are dude too, but like I've just been sitting here going like After this, we'll start. We haven't even turned the cameras on yet. I really It's a day off when you're here. I just want to make sure we promote what you want to promote. My special will be great. Go watch my special. It's all my YouTube liive and liive. eight fifty. I've been talking about that. liive and live on YouTube. You're at a mill. It's amazing. It crept over Well, so my first one Le the son, go watch that as well directed that one self produced it all to dynasty They're fucking awesome there. I love them. Yeah. That one got demonetized after a month. It had hit five hundred thousand in a month. No, two weeks, excuse me, two weeks. and then they said I glorified cannabis U So they demonetized it. So it took me. Meanwhile, every snoo on every snooook Co is fine It took me three years or four years for that one to finally creep over because it, you know, they kill it. This one was had two hundred thousand downloads in two days. And then I'll tell you the story. You should know this if you're doing your own. It got flagged. You know, they tell you, live in the comments for the first few days, Rpond, helps get it out in the algorithm. I'm doing that. Im obviously this is my new special. I'm self producing, self funding doing also I'm obsessed with checckking numbers and everything and on T it dropped on a Friday on Sunday. yellow fucking dollar sign and I'm like Once that happens, it's fucking over. I go what the fuck I'm able to get a hold of a guy. the icon in your adapt your dollar sign You can't make money on. What that says is Red is no one's making money. Yellow is. You're not making money but we're still making money. What it really means is this It's now inappropriate for anyone under eighteen So it won't be shown to anyone under eighteen It will be shown to anyone who is a premium member een and over. That's it So my argument was, well, wait, what if I'm sixteen and I'm a premium member? Well, then we'll show it to you I'm like so it's not really about the age. Yeah. It's about the fucking dollar sign. Yeah Their dollar sign, not mine. Yeah ye. Yes. Yeah. Be a good lawyer. Thank you. So then they say I love you to be my. The way it works. Let me tell you how it works. Let me tell you how this is what I. can't lock the door. You better lock the door. I've got screen grabs of all this emails and everything. I'm happy to show it to you The way it works is that AI will do an initial scan across, you know, the other thing is Pete And for all of you out there doing this on your own, you got to put your ego aside. When you that's your whole life, your baby or whatever. But when you put it up on YouTube, it's just a fucking file. That's all that is up there. It's a file.. It's a sixty minute file. You could say the same about Netflix. You said right anything. But but the difference with YouTube is AI is going to comb that sixty minute file for language or content that YouTube deems acceptable. Regardless of context. Yeah You throw an F word in there or whatever, even if you're gay and you're saying I used to get called this and beat up then doesn't matter. Cext doesn't. Oh. What happened was AI scanned it. and said that there were too many curse words in a certain amount of time at the very end. And all it was was people chanting fuck Steve at the end Dumb little chant on the way out and thenen what happens is AI sends a clip of that, okay part that it has an issue with to a human who's then supposed to open it, review it, sign off on it. Okay. And my argument was, well How in the fuck did the Joe Rogan Donald Trump episode not get demonetized? And the guy said we had over thirty thousand complaints, but it's our job to sit there and go, that's not hate speech, That's this, that fine And he said The AI file was sent to the employee The employee didid not open it did not look at it, just let AI make the decision. I was like, So w, so my guy might have just left earlier gone to lunch. He's like, I can't say what they did or didn't do, but yeah And I was like, And he's like, so it's a mistake. and I'm like But if you guys made that mistake and you're aware of it, you could undo it, right m Well, I'm like, but you could, right There's just not a lot of There's a lot of women that could go in there and put it right back in the algorithm, right? Yeah. So what ended up happening was We had to clip it do all this other bullshit. I had to u I did a one paid ad to help it because it was so it happened so fast that if we get it back in the algorithm, he said it if it catches, you'll see the numbers go up. and if it doesn't, it'll just crawl and it did gotot to a million and then now it's just like that flat one. And it's over like a million, I don't know. was under her side. I don't know what it is But they've gotten both of them and it really fucked me up. It fucked me up because I was saying to them like, where are your guidelines? Like when you shoot a special for Netflix, they'll tell you This format, this this, this is how we want the video. is R right Where Where's the rule that says, hey, no amount of curse words Do you think We wouldn't do that. Yeah You know what I mean? like Yeah, you guys are getting turnkey quality network fucking specials And you're not going to put a guidelines thing up so that we don't fuck ourselves. just let it help. That's wild. helpp us. Yeah. That's a wild. So it really was like for me, I'm like, okay, well, if my network is YouTube Then what should I do with these stories then? Should I break them up into individual stories and just tell them to camera instead of spending thousandousands of dollars for two years out on the road and it se, you know what I mean? Like what is the new way for me? So Yeah actually rec recently went back to Baltimore and Sat my friend's junkyard on fire and I do it's hopefully it's not going to be. I sat in his junkyard. actually did a podcast mini series within the wayay backack with my brothers and friends sitting in the junkyard tellelling old stories, but This one's just me talking to camera and telling stories that will be roll and cover with footage and stuff and isolated instead of going around the country and building them literally I'm going to try this and I call it salvaged I like it because you know, I grew up in a junkyard and You know, I'm very much that you know, wrecked car. like, yeah, well That car' wrecked but the hood still good. Yeah The motor' still good in that car. The tires and rims might be shot but that fucking trunk still good. Yeah. And it's all these little pieces of people I think that Often people see a junkyard as just this graveyard. and I'm like, nah, there's so much more people than than this fucking missing leg or that eye patch, we don't want to ask you you know what I'm sayinging Tales of the gold mononkey. do you know that You don't know that show Tales of the Glden Monkey, this when I was a kid Can you look it up for a second? Just for yourself, lookook this up. I can't believe you just made me think of it. Don't say what the eye patch is yet. You're going to see it before anybody else. Tales of the Gold mononkey was about like this Indiana Jones type figure who flew a seaplane and had a dog with a fucking what