One Taste and Final Thoughts

Lemonour You made it weird with homees. What's happening weirdos? What is happening? I loved this one. What a great one. What great Really fun Fun, really light Kind of kind of a little spicy.icy. I wouldn't play this one with your mother in law in your in your Chrysler And your Chrysler or her Chrysler? A comedian line of cars, the Bert Chrysler. Oh my God, great. Sebastian Honda sccouta Toyota. Bana Toyota. Bana Toyota. It't work. Tigna Volvo Tig sun Tig Nataro. Nataro.'t Nataro sounds like a Japanese motorcycle. Yes, it does. Anway, we're glad you're here. The Rs are better. We're just done. We left it all on the cor. Yeah. D't the good Rs? Yeah, don'tudge. Don't judge it, this is the intro. Yeah, Be more suspicious of a episode that has a great H high Well because we're trying to win it back in the intro. This one is like, look, the episode's good, so don't even don't worry about this. Just skip it. Let's get to it. I do want to say I am Not for everybody is on YouTube right now and I'm so happy that people are finding it Also, the hour that I taped after that is also on YouTube. That one's called silly, Silly Fun Boy. So there's now two specials, full specials on YouTube Fuffy I'm also gonna be in Aspen. Colorado on june tent coming up. And then the eleventh twelve, thirteenth, I'll be in Denver. And then we'll be back at the Lgo on june seventeenth The rest of the dates are on Petholmes. com. justust if you're nasty, North Carolina, South Carolina Portland, Maine, Vancouver San Louis Obispo, Medicine, I booreard myself, Seattle, Portland, San Diego That's all of them. That's it. And my book spepells to cast on yourour parents is available for pre order now. I mean a lot if you bought one. If you think you're going to buy one, buy one ahead of time because that helps That's right. Helps Hps the algearotum. Algebidrum. Algar ridum Thanks for being a boy, we're tired. We really gave it all. You know what we we as we mentioned in the episode, we horked down some sandos. And now the sandos have caught up with us. We were outrunning them the entire. We were And then we stopped for a second. we' like I'm digesting Yeah, I want to be buried in hot jello and just find God in a nap. Oh we're gonna make that happen for you Do you have any idea how good it would be to find God in a nap and hot right now? I definitely have found God in a nap before and I'll do it again right this second. Oh, there's not a lot of non dual talk here when I am Almost asleep, but I'm still awake. That's the best time to like take a look at who you are. Okay, here we are, Valerie into it This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a fifty page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online makes sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set upp required compatibility and availability varies eighteen plus Me me me me me That's your do. That's your do. I didn't think about it. I just went. I like that. Find the fresh. You guys Be a shaman. Be a woman shaman. A Sa woman S woman. woman. Sh woman. now on Bravo Is Brava still kickking? Helen Hunt is The showwoman O Ohness. S woman. Saman. I went on a big tear about the mininiature Wife at the show last night, and I really loved it. I think we're just gonna post it. And I tell you, I was making fun of it. I auditioned for the miniature Wife. That was one of the big That was your note You gave me the note If you don't know what the miniuteure your wife is They got the most talented, this is in the rant, the most talented man, Tom whatever the the guy who played Tom. Yeah on succession. Yeah And and Liz Banks, I love too. And I just think it's kind of weird that they're in this show that is like very clearly to my eye a show that's like, we need something that they'll watch, the whole world will watch So you need something that's like makes sense with the sound off. Yeah. A I being too much of a bitch about this? No, I just I love the boldness I mean, I just think like you think because I like met with the producers and the directors and got very close to being in it and was almost in it, it was gonna be in it? No no, not I mean that that's why you feel this way. Is that where you're finishing that thought No that that I shouldn't want to like squander those relationships that everybody that makes any show is a good person working hard at something they believe in. And I'm like, isn't it weird that like Maybe they would agree though. L it seems very clearly a show They could be good. I haven't seen it. I was spite. I got a car Reasons for not watching. I checked Spite. Yes. And that was all the only option So yeah, okay, to be more three dimensional and not just in my persona. I would say that, yeah, I know I met with the writers. they seemed like great, nice, wonderful people. And I'm sure they're aware as people out there selling shows, that one of the considerations is will people in China understand this show? Like will they watch it and what I could be wrong But what seems appealing about a show like The Miniature Wife is It doesn't matter where you are Yeah in the world this show that this show You could have sold it in ancient Rome. Well they're bed fellows. Go on, Socrates. Why this voice? And he's like, But why of them three inches tall? You'd draw quite an amphitheater. I mean, yeah, we've been doing it at least since Jack and the beanstock J and the B. Jaye and the B. Oliver Ces. D, David and Goliath. That's not quite right. Okay. I don't know. I love where you went with that I I'm trying to think of an older version. I loved it. There are giants in the Old Testament, Goliath. Did you know my weird boring jump off a cliff before I can even say it? Goliath fun fact Oh Well here's a cliff, get running because I am chasing you with a Goliath. Fun fact. Okay, Great. That Gol they found like after the Bible was like printed, it's my understanding that they found like older versions of the David and Goliath story. In the Bible, I believe he's like over eight feet tall Uhu Then they found some older ones that were like, this dude was like Michael Jordan's. It's like, I don't know. He seven feet. Yeah, I seven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a guy you might see at the airport. That makes a lot of sense because people were smaller back then too. Yeah, peopleeople were miniature wife' size. Smaller. Why did people live hundreds of years? Let's look at the Sumerian texts That's right. because people lived hundreds of years and then they then the lifespan got even shorter than it is now. Look, no disrespect to the Bible, but maybe that was their way of being like, don't take this too seriously. Moses was seven hundred years old. like ye. Maybe that was their way of being like, I that's the genre. Y. It's like putting a laser gun in the story. You go like, oh, it's laser gun time. Yes, exactly. But then we science fiction, baby. And this is like pre science fiction. Yes, it was the first science fiction possibly Yeah, but I you're see, you're being as bold as I was being about the miniature wife. Wells the b. I don't want to work with Christans. you want to work with people who make shows. So ye, that's true. But but I didn't say anything that bad No, you didn't. I just I just said, I'm sure the people that made the Miature wife had other ideas that were like, you know, grounded or whatever it might be. And the stuff that seems to be getting made is stuff that you could watch with the sound off on an airplane and be like, this guy's having a hard time getting a hold of that tiny wife. Yeah Yeah, I agree. But what I said last night and I'd like to put to you is whenever we're shrinking or expanding a woman, there's always a sex component for the guy when we and I do think we're going to post this. I did it last night. I was like That is every gu's fantasy. My wife is tiny. Now my dick is huge And I was going, Who's the micro now? And he was pulling down his pants Linie was fucking the window of the dollhouse she lives in. and it's enormous. She's like, look at that now That's his dream. He finally got it. She's finally cowering at his very small penis because she's tiny now It's proportional. I don't think, and this is what I am putting to you When I see the, you know, the attack of the fifty foot woman That old movie. Yeah. Id go right to like, imagine how big those movies are. Or I could go all the way in. Yeah. I could just live in there. Finally Climb up in there. Classic Freudian mama It would be a lady who' my mama, but I'm a man and it's sex now. It's not birth It's sex. and I live in there, but in a sex way, notot a baby Sex But Isn't it all bro kind of go back to being a baby back in the womb. Remember when I was stoned and I was like, it's so weird that sex is only the penis into the vagina. I know or the butt. There's other stuff and I understand. I love that you're O the butt. Those are the only two out. O the butt. Well, okay I'm an alien. What is sex? Go. I'm gonna be teleported up in five seconds It's the body sharing pleasure Body shing That means is kissing sex Well. Is it? I know This is one of the things We just had this conversation. When I was stoned. Yes. And I thought it was a hoot Yeah. So I'm bringing it back Okay, I see. this was the conversation you were talking about. Like where it was like's kiss rememember we talk? Yeah. Okay. Well if someone puts their tongue in someone else's mouth, that's just making out. Yeah But if somebody puts their tongue on somebody's genitals, now it's oral sex. Yeah. And but it still is sort of like, who is making this rule? I know But I get it because it's Now we're look, and I don't want anyone playing this in their barberhop. out loud I'm just kidding. I was trying to say I'm not trying to just be cr or shocking for shockings sake, I think it's actually an interesting conversation. And when I say Gitals are, you know It's rough. It's it's more intimate, which is the polite way of saying It's it's a box of chocolates. so you don't know what you're gonna get for it's go So is a mouth Bro I think it's bro, but you're tasting your own mouth all the time And there's no taste that your mouth can make that my mouth hasn't made. Like I've never, you don't really have bad Wh. That's one of the Welcome to Pete's Tips for a great relish. What have we covered in the past? One morning person, one evening person. Yes. Not even the evening person but a late afternoon person. Yeah And I'm gonna say you should love the way they smell. I've said that a million times, but I love sorry to be cringe. I'm sorry, is this a little sus Is this a bit of a flux to say? What is happening to you? This is always' been a great move. This is also a difference between us. actuallyctually, I feel really great too, but I was thinking this before we started the podcast because we like Honked down, horked down sandwich. I like saying honk. I like saying hunk too I say ripped ass for ran fast And it means fart But I'm trying to get it going. He ripped ass across the yard. You're right. I say ripped ass because of you, I think. I want to make. Al because I do think there's something too, like if you're picturing somebody running really fast, don't you kind of picture them with like a co cartoonish style like cloud. No, Well, yes, Cloud And also cut out on their butt from their pants. Cut out on their butt from their pants. Cut out. Cut out on their pants. Cut out Cut out the butt of their pants. Cut out of the butt of their pants. No cut like picture cutting out the butt of their pants. Yeah, that's gone gun they ripped ass. he ran fast, he to the ass of their jeans. I love that. I wouldn't have gone there, but I love it. And also if I said he ripped across the yard, you would go, oh he ran fast. Yeah. He ripped ass. I'm mixing hauled ass and ripped. That's what's happening. And then you say ripped ass and you think I'm weird for thinking that means ran. Yeah. I don't. I know you mean fart I would never say that for the record. What? I would never say ripped ass for Fart. That's insane. Oh god, who ripped ass in here ripped ass. You would never. Okay, go on. What were you saying? No, we like each other's smells. What was the what was before? cringe sa. Oh just Oh the like the yeah, kissing is Yeah, but I was doing something weird and you were like, this is what I don't understand before Yes. So night person morning person. this is also how we're different When we horked down sandwiches I was like already know just how different we are that this will light you up. and it'll make me sleepy Yeah, simple carbs are a real trick for me. They really and it does the exact opposite for me. I start getting like. No, I know. That's why I'm always lulling you into sandwich places. What I do with my lovers is I lull her into a sandwich place. getet her a big Dutch cutch sand. I get a dunch crunch. A Dutchunch ach Dunch crunch. Sandw A Dutch French. U Dutch. Crunch Crunch. But that's why it is all sort of arbitrary ish rules. This is why one of my favorite scenes and what I would say is the sexiest scene of any movie. is in worst person in the world. It was so painful for me to see this scene because I was like, I should have re Steal it. That movie had subtitles. Steal it and bring it to America Let's steal it and bring it to the average movie viewer. No one has seen that movie. Yes, they gave his Academy award. But guess who didn't see it? Everyone that's not in the accademy. No Nobody that I know, we're cool people. smoke cigarettes. We smoke cigarettes and have red wine with breakfast. We're fucking cool I see Javier Bardem and I wave with my eyes and he returns it. We're cool. We're cool guys. You're a guy, right W're cool That is gendererest. Gendererest? Sexist It should be genererest It just sounds too similar to generenous U Go on Dick and Vagina? No, worst person in the world where they like she meets the guy she has a boyfriend, she meets the guy at the party and they like really have a palpable attraction and then they spend the night together doing like the the rest of the party, like doing all these like beside things where it's like, we're not kissing, we're not fucking becausecause they're seeing other people. Yes. And it's like, can I bite your shoulder Can I smell your armpick? I making my vagina moist? I mean, I get it. Can I watch you peete? like so all these other ways of being intimate that aren't Yet on the agreed upon. Can I say as someone who's been cheated on fuck all of you guys with your little, I What if I just smell your nipple, eat shit, haveave some courage and leave your partner. Yeah. What if I just takeake a photo of your asshole? Leave your partner because it's like sometimes you, you know, need some of those Intimacy is and you don't dislike your partner. have something to tell I don't. But I guess yeah, if I had to confess something, it would be like, yeah, that's like my dream kind of night. No, I know. That is to me. I know you know that. And if you did I could I could I could, I don't want to be on the record saying I could allow it I don't want to be on the record. I don't want this play When we cut out, I don't want to be on the record of that. I don't want to rec. I could allow it. But I I said I don't want to be on the record saying I could allow that. so you could just Just say could I could allow that. I could allow that. Well, I love you more than anything, but that is that's a real, but we also talk about what a jealous ninny I am sometimes Yeah, but you're not really jealous of like my attractions and Boys and stuff, you're more jealous of my intimacies with girl friends Right, which is a good sG. I hate when people say sG Do you mean segway? I know. People say se instead of seegay. No they don't. Yes, they do. It's awful. That's insane to me. It's awful. I've actually never like an old do what they meant. It's an old comedy. I've heard it in old comy like a good sigue between the H I was gonna say something awful. Do you between the buttle and the vagina? Is it a taint? Yeah, a good se. There's a good seig for you. Is do you say homage or homage I say correctly, whichich I honestly don't know which one. That's what I say If you say homage, pay homage to people say that though Homage Yeah, homage He was paying homage to Who says that? An ogre you met in the woods Daniel Hey, it's Julie Louis Drefus from Wiser than Me, etcetera Just popping in with a little reality check Food waste shouldn't exist. There is no reason that our leftovers should end up in a landfill, but that's the final destination for about a third of the food we grow Our ancestors would be confused. They use their food scraps as compost, or as animal feed, or in weird soups, all the stuff we did before garbage was invented Composting is hard work. Living with a bucket of rotten food on your counter is gross. Most food goes in the trash because It's easy. And these days we'll take any easy we can get But now there's something easier Pop your scraps in a mill food recycler It looks like a kitchen bin and an iPhone had a baby It takes nearly anything, even meat and bones. It works automatically. You can keep filling it for weeks and it never smells. When you finally empty it, you've got these nutrient rich grounds. usese them in your garden, pour them in your green bin, or have mill get them to a small farm. so the food you don't eat can help grow the food you do. just like it should be It's why I own a mill, why I invest in mill, and why I'm still obsessed with my mill. If you want to get obsessed too, go to mill dot com slash wiser to get seventy five dollars off. That's mill dot com slash wiser for seventy five dollars off I forgot. So I'm working on a joke right now about friends, right? And a big part of this podcast of late has been my journey into friendship and attempting to make friends for real, like in my small town One of the things I think is really funny about that is Before I get into that The reason I brought up is We've talked about this. have takes People that ask questions, I love you guys. I love you question askers. You're beautiful people. What's your favorite kind of cheese? Yeah. That's so fun. most It's very sweet. It's sweet for all Fun for most. And there are lots of people that I know whose love language is that? Like Oh yeah. who are they and they are tracking. They're like, we had an entire dinner and that person did not ask me one question about myself. I know who you're talking about. And that's a lot of people. And I ask questions But I prefer to do and I prefer to have done takes and we've talked about this. If you just say, Gorgonzola is way better than blue cheese, why is blue cheese with? Where's Gorgonzola dip? Yes with the wings And then I would go, Gorgeous all is like blue cheese if it got exposed to gamma radiation, it's way too much. Now we're talking. Yes. this have a cake. This is exactly the key difference. This is one of the ways that I quickly learned. that comedians are friends and comedians aren't the only ones like this. In fact, I have friends where this is our relationship too. Yes. but it isn't asking a question to then get a response and then that person asks a question And then you give a response. It's, I have a take, it makes you say your take. And then that makes me say another take. And then you don like you're only you're saying statements. You are not asking any questions too ask a question would be to like throw off the entire. Thank you. becausecause a take is a question and it's a gift. I'm telling you how I feel And it's implied Like you understood. it, you understood. Yes. I'm saying, here's my take. What's your take There's something that happens in my throat that feels like a retreating motion. like an animal scurrying backwards into its hole of origin. Yeah When someone goes, What's your favorite coffee in town Yeah me just even saying that as a fake example makes me hate the person I was not hate. Yeah. But I would just so much rather be like You know, a coffee connection is underrated. Why aren't we going there? And then I would say, the ambiance, it's not great. I don't like the parking.. And they go, so how much and then I'm open to a question. So you're like a parking guy? Yeah. You're a parking guy? Yeah, I'm a parking guy. Now we're laughing. Right. Now we're laughing because you caught me being something Well it somebody it is somebody doing the work for you in a nice way that I also I code switch based on the type of friends that I I do and I love it. Where I know when I have the question asking friends, like let's just ask I watch you do it and I marvel at it. But I also have the friends where I know if they're gonna get like talking to you or friend Rriel, like a lot of friends where they're just gonna to give me takes so donon't have to ask them any questions. That's right But and that does feel nice because it's somebody saying like, you don't even have to ask me how I feel about things. I'll just tell you. It's beautiful. So all you have to do is worry about how you feel about things and then tell me. And the risk with it, I love it Did W I present enough for that? Yeah. BeCcause I loved it. Yeah It really stuck to landing. Did I? Yeah, but I did start thinking about the next thing I was gonna say, and I don't want you to feel naked andid. I feel okay. Really? Yeah. Okay good Oh I forgot what I was to say. No, the risk with takes is you will find out faster if you don't like each other. Well, yeah. Let's flash the toilet and see if the pipes work.. Let's fucking get this done. Yeah. Love Woody Allen Great. It's G to know I mean, I aged the Allen. I can think of examples recently where I like hung with a newish person and they they had so many takes that I like didn't agree with that I actually still liked them because ultimately I agreed like we've met on the level of like, isn't it fun to have takes Yeah like But I'll also be a sneaky bitch out the other side of my mouth and if if you give me five takes and I just don't agree with them I won't Yeah It's not with You know, I'm not spitting you out of my mouth. We've just kind of figured out like No, I think that is true. I love hiking in the morning? Yeah. one in this one example, I like hiking in the morning. I hike with you. But you know, you and I when we first started dating, it was like, do you wantna like stay in the hotel and eat pancakes? And you were like, yes. I was like Oh great. And I took out a gigantic marker and checked a huge box. one hundred percent, as did I. I like like food and TV If you don't wantan to do that, I don't know how. Yeah, that would be a good one if someone's like, I just don't food is fuel Yeah You said food is fuel to me. I'll spray real fuel on you and light it on fire. Like can I can't be with a food is fuel person. Also if you say I don't own a TV, then I'm like, Gotta go. I just gotta go. God speed. and also congratulations. I'tat I don't live to eat. I eat to live. No. Well, I live to get the fuck away from you. I hate this. I'm gonna go eat something I'm going to go eat something. I tried that Larry David only atat eight cashews thing on stage. It only I'm going to try it again. I saw you try it at the comedy store. I don't know. So fun. Yes, okay, you guys. It turns out Petomes is very good at comedy. I never sit in the audience and I got to say say the audience Okay and watch this And you were so good and you killed D I love all afterfter J. Leno and you like there people were making sounds that were previously unheard undiscoveredndiscovered sound. That's what a comedian is. It's an archolog archaeological dig for sounds. You didn't know you could make. Not L like that. I want it. I want it. Give me all the sounds. Give me the re. Rp ass his shows. donon't wery ass. Thats It's like farting in a Japanese restaurant. I've heard that's a compliment Mm I'm not gonna try it. I thought that's what you guys did. Baru It's like a Danny McBride character No, it's a Larry the Cable guy. Yeah. Larry the Cable guy. Y. And don't be ashamed of our past. There was a time. that's what comedy was and we liked it. And we wanted it. There was a it was also Guy Fieri Heyday. We wanted Gy Fiery and Larry the cable guy. And I think a lot of America still does well Yeah the people who haven't seen person the worst person fuck. Thank you. So anyway, it turns out that going on friendship dates are exactly like going on dates. Yeah, whichich means it's the worst. There's things that are nice about it. I've enjoyed meeting new people. Listen to how I'm going to say to you right now in earnest, a good man is hard to find I'm not even joking. I know. And my credentials aren' exactly Kind of like exactly the same as a straight woman looking for a man.. I said to you recently, I don't know if I respect what he does enough. Yeah. Like something like that that's a fake example. But like what they do Are they funny? Do they like me, but not desperate Are they cool? I need Well, that's another Pede Val relationship tip I'm embarrassed to admit the economy of our love, how much of it is imports exports. I'm just kidding. Is you just liking what I do and like a and I know a lot of comedians or I've known. And most of them are not with those people anymore. which's just like it's a burden or whatever. Like you come and yough that's what comedians tell me all the time. It's like Val comes in like just laughs and enjoys the show and still enjoys me. L you think if you lived with David Copperfield, you'd be like, can you stop making my breakfast disappear? Like it would stop being cute But it is And I am the copper field ofcomany. It's Yes, you are. Yeah, but that is so sad because it is who it is you. It is who you are. It's not all of who you are But if I stopped liking your comments. Oh my God, that's me stop like not liking compleompletely. Okay. so going on these mandates. and and some of these guys You know, in winners, I like them. I like them. I get a little nervous when I'm like, do they like me more than I like them or do I like them more than they like me? Basic stuff. And then we start talking about like, we want emotional intelligence, we want ease. We want to be talk about everything. talk about E be like smart and smart and interesting. Yeah. Oh, not not in a burdensome way, but like likeike you, obviously. I say something to you I go, which serial is which president? and we're laughing and we're talking. But that's a cheat. That's a game. You can play a game with most people, but like that's just how we connect. then You were the joke was How many men meet all of those? And we were like, it'so it's zero percent Yeah. Good man is' hard to find which is why I've made my foray into the lesbian community.. you found the loophole. I found the loophole. As we've talked many times, I't I don't even defend this position, but I wouldn't go to coffee with one of my straight friends alone, girlfriends Yeah, I mean, there's a couple exceptions, but yes. there's a couple exceptions, but in general I don't we've unpacked that in the past. Yeah. Lesbians are the great loophole. when Harry met Sally, sex always gets in the way. Sex always gets in the way. So men and women can't be friends. They're always going to want to think about sex, right W lesbians Okay, now I have a woman, which everything you ever wanted, Wh is everything I have a woman, which is everything I ever wanted in a man. but sex has been removed. And I wrote this down. I didn't do it last night, but I was like, either they want to have sex with me, a girlfriend and we're Getting close, like we watched that movie with Jake Johnson. Yeah, drinking buddy. It was so good. And I was like, yeah, this is why you're not friends with fucking beautiful women Yeah. What is this? What's the sequel to this movie? Don't eat fire It's like a fucking giant heavy on having coffee with a doughnut Oh we just love talking about sports. The donut love sports. It is so fun. Fucking shut up that I watch that movie and I'm like, this is so good because it's showing the nuance of like Like even when you're in love, you're not cutting yourself off from attraction and like It's so tricky how people are and how we have desire and there's no really good clean lines or answers on how to deal with it. It's just it just is like there's no like What I love about the movie is there's no lesson at the end. there's no like moral to the story. It's just like yeah. it's just like, this is complicated. It's complicated. the like desire and relationships and all of that is just so tricky. And you took away like there is a moral and it's donon't be friends with beautiful women I'm sorry, but a hundred percent. That is just like an old Greek, what is it called the morality play? So the movie is Jake Johnson, who's so great in it. Brilliant.. And he's in a relationship with Anna Kendrew And yeah Yeah, he is He is Yeah I had a hard time the whole time keeping because every scene with the other woman, he's just acting like her boyfriend. So I just keep going, Oh, they're dating. And then it would show him with his girlfriend. I'd be like, o, they're dating. I am my Verie, this podcast exists for one reason. It It's my truth that I don't even defend. I know. I don't think it's right or good Yeah, But that movie was just like, this is what happens when you eat nails You have spike shit and you tear up your colon. That's all it was. It wasn't even that nuanced to me. I was like, yeah, he doesn't like his girlfriend that much. He does. No he doesn't He ends up with her Whps a doodle. He does. I think we see that he does in the end when he like kisses her because she's Anyway, it doesn't matter. We're not going to talk about it. but. probably haven't seen. But it it's just funny that it's like, to me it feels like death to make it so black and white. Obviously I'm making it black and white in practice in our relationships, but like But like in my own mind to be like, okay, so I am expected to cut this off, this whole part of myself off, this desire, like the part of me that sees the seen and worst person in the world and is like, oh my God, that sounds like a dream night in my life. L I have to just be like, no, it doesn't ad That's eating nails. L like flicking a rubber band on my wrist. No I don't want you to do that. I know you don't. In fact, what I'm describing isn't My strategy for you. I know. It's my strategy for me.. And I'm not even like the horniest person in the world. Yeah. What is the movie called worst I' not the wor woriest person in the world. So what I was saying with my now wonderful lesbian friends, that in true lesbian fashion, we already call each other our best friends. Yeah. hly. We you haold that friendship. Yes, I love that. And what I love about it is in a straight female friendship They either don't want to have sex with me. I'm sorry, they either do want to have sex with me, which is a threat to my entire life, literally a nightmare that I have What what I do? What am I going to tell my family this becausecause I wanted good time weei feelings And then two, or they don't want to have sex with me and that hurts my feelings. Men or bullshit. But what about this?? I can't handle it either, so I'm just like it just needs to be evaporated. But what about the option of forget the option because I know you don't believe in it and I Well, I guess, is that like They don't want to have sex with you because because they don't want to ruin their life or yours you know what I mean? Like it's like not one or the other. It's like you could be even like I can I can see how you are attractive I could even see how if I met you When I was single, then I would maybe we would date or something. But That's not the case. So we're not You know what I mean? Like I guess the part that I'm taking on brridge with is you're like, either they do want to have sex with me and then I'm going to ruin my life. It's like, Well, they could want to have sex with you and you could want to have sex with them and no one does anything about it and it doesn't ruin your life. until You're snowed in a hotel. But that's not going happen. And even then you could control yourself. I know people who have been in situations like that and they do control themselves Oh I'm going to give their names right now A the ads. I'm just kidding. I understand. No, that's a helpful light to shine on my reasoning here. What I have is a useful dated Osimplified. Yeah highly tuned security system. I'm like a weird guy I'm like selling life insurance. Yeah. I'm like, you know how many trolley cars go off the rails each year? Yeah I also remember now I made this good point when we were talking about this like in the car the other week. Um that I think you would feel differently if you had a sister Be right. I have so many male friends that I don't that I'm not attracted to, but I can recognize They are attractive. Yeah U I think it's because I have an older brother. So I have like a neurow groove for another type of relationship you can have with the opposite sex. Yeah. where I'm like, yeah, you really can just be friends. it can be totally platonic and you relate to each other in this way that has nothing to do with attraction. It's funny Yeah, I just got a little spitey sense that I was like, oh, there's something embarrassing I don't feel embarrassed. I'm like, we're getting closer to like What is my actual issue here? And it is kind of like there's like a door. I'm like, I think if I look behind that door, it's something really embarrassing. Well, I don't think you need to be embarrassed or ashamed. I think this is like a how I think this is why it's so helpful that you're honest about this because I think this is a thing that men think But the truth is is there is a little bit, it kind of goes back to miniature wife or giant woman, you're just thinking about sex. It's like, yes, because in the patriarchal society we see women and we You could just say my society. We just think about sex So you're just seeing a giant woman saying big boobies and you're having dinner or you know with a with a girl, a straight girl and you're like boobies Wow thinkink to trans so think of Arilla, who always comes up at this point in this conversation. So Arilla is my girlfriend, our friend, who's a girl And like she's so funny, she's gonna to love those if she hears it. She's so funny and interesting and impressive. Yeah that I those things push out clouds of sex. Yeah. Because you this is what it's embarrassing. You see exposing full person I see her as a full person. Yeah. And it turns out, spoilerer all women are Get over it. get over it. No, I never will. Ladies. never. right, fine But okay. did I did sort of derail us because I do think that is an interesting part of the conversation and something to like lookook at Again, no shame. This is like where men find themselves constantly U But I didn't mean to derail it. I love the lesbian loophole. I think you should No lesbian loophole is amazing. And then one of the things that's a little painful is I'm realizing like if certain relationships aren't full fets You know what I mean? Like ye I literally start going like do I have to like ghost this person? Yeah. I' ghost somebody. But that would be exactly what would happen. When you went on a couple dates with somebody, Well, especially for introverts who are like Their dance cards are Two names, two or three names. Yeah where it's like You've been seeing these like all these different going on all these different mandates Now youve found two lesbian friends that you love That I love. And you're like, well, those are two of the dance cards now So I think of them as one entity. Yeah, yeah So you're like there's actually somebody that's joke S somebody has We're always all three together. Yeah, that's true U you're like, I have to bump one because an extrovert like me will be go like great, I have nine friends. Yes. This is real black and white. I'm glad we're talking about this. It's a little neurospicy. It's a little introvert, it's a little anxious It's like But it's very black and white. It's like addict thinking.ike I already have one. One of the lines I didn't do was I was like, what am I going to hang out with a girl? I'm married. Yeah I already have one Like that, but that's real. I again, I don't defend that I don't rationally believe that, but that is what a voice in me says. L I already have cuteness and sweetness and all the vulnerability and all that But then I hang out with guys and I do find myself wishing that they were just more like women. All through college, all of my best friends were girls. I know. I know you know that. Yeah. you are a girls I'm a girls guy guy. Although I make sense. You do. You are so it's tricky to place you because you're so fifty fifty, actually, because you are hyper masculine in ways that Like you've just described all of the black and whiteness and the neuroses of that and the strong opinions about what you should do and what you shouldn't do. like all of that is so masculine that it's like, yeah, you need some rough comedian friends who aren't going to be offended that you didn't ask them a single question during that dinner But you also are so emotionally intelligent, so emotionally evolved, so sensitive, so soft so easily like wounded that you need women who understand that So yeah, like a pretty like butch lesbian is your exact. whichich is what I've always said is that I'm gay for you. I love them. Yeah, you are gay for me Yeah, the other thing I wanted to say on this issue and thank you for everything all those kindnesses. Its it's my perfect blend. I appreciate it. I'm an Arnold Palmer. And you are an Arnold Palmer and I want to say like even though Like as you talk about the like, You know, as even as we're uncovering the like, oh, it's because we think of women as sexual opportunities first and then whole people later if they prove themselves. like That's of course, an idea that like You're not defending, but it is it has arisen in you and like Even the part of me that's a little like o, that's fucked up He's attracted to them You're a fun friend. I just am saying even if everybody needs a valor just goes like, you know, you always barge into rooms and say nine things that you shouldn't say. It I just love it. So true. I'm not even trying to make No, I know, if you were trying it, I don't think it would work. I don't think you could fake. it's like pretending to like oysters. You either like oysters or you don't sitting here imagining And I think this is beautiful. and I would love to be friends with a man like this, but like a man that is so Not neurotic, not neurospicy, very woke, very aware, very open and saying things like Yeahet there's just like nuance to attraction and of course, like Even if we I'm in love, I'm going still have that part of me that like all the things that I'm saying, I'd be like That's so cool to be that way and I'm not going to feel any sort of thing in you're saying, like there the way that I can be a jealous sensitive ninny when it comes to you . That is the other side of the coin of being so into you and being so excited about you and all this sortuff. Yeah. So the thing I was going to say that I think is funny is Because we live in a small one Kem trail town, when the word got out, Like a like a yeah Like a sitcom. Literally like a sitcom. likeike Joey's looking for guy friends. Like when you live in a small town, it kind of is like a sitcom. Yeah. I'm gonna say at least three, maybe four or five Three or four times People would say to me, I hear you're going on mandates. Like it was like kind of going around town. I'm not saying this was running my mouth No, I knew it was you. It was coming from you Yeah. But then what would happen? and I'm not saying this putting anybody down. someomebody would say like wives would be like, you know, my husband is also doesn't have any friends Like it's an epidemic. Yeah Like there's a lot of like good guys. Yeah You know that are looking for friends and have no friends And I'm one of them. And so I made it very clear and then you started spreading the word. And then another weird thing that's sort of like a peril of going down this path is people, maybe you're stoned. and maybe you're at some sort of outdoor event and you're very high. and someone says to you like, you know, my husband's looking for and you know their husband and you really like them but you're not feeling like called to that. and you have it's just like dating. It's exactly like someone trying to set you up on a date And you're like, I don't think I want to be set up right now. I'm looking for like organic stuff. Yeah. I w to meet the right guy and I'll just know when I know. Like it's so exactly dating Choice hotels gets you more of what you value. Comfort in. It's calling your name. Save on the stay. Oh, and free waffles are yours to claim, Book toack att at stys hotels dot com Ran Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying Big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop. With Mint, you can get premium wireless for just fifteen dollars a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying, no judgments, but that's weird. Okay, one judgment Anyway, give it a try at mintmobile d. com slash switch. Upront payment of forty five dollars for three month plan, equivalent to fifteen dollars per month required, introate for three months only, then full price plan options available. taxes and fees extra,afal terms at Mintmobile d. com It is really funny how Yeah, and that it's I mean, it's almost even trickier because it's not, it doesn't have the inherent like Obviously I'm looking for one person and one person only. So it's almost even worse because it's like you could date isn'ate? You could have a whole harem Yeah and friends. Yeah. I can't though. No I mean, I can't either. I signed my my Eyes are way bigger than my stomach. Like I sign up for way more And then I end up like letting a lot of people down because I wish I could be their best friend. but you said something brilliant to me today becausecause there are people that I'm like, o, I think I'm friends with this person now. I like this person And my friend Oin used to say this when I was dating, he was kind of coaching me when I was dating. And he gave me good advice. He was like, donon't just go to dinners. donon't just go to dinners. Like you're just sitting across from a person Now you're just like interviewing each other.s like I don't know if he saids, like, go on a hike or go see a show or like something together. been socially And then I say the R word. Don't say it. Spicy. I've been socially spicy Why did I say that? That just made everyone else think it. Yeah, I know. I apologize, I've been socially shy edit that out? No. Okay. you're making it a thing. It doesn't have to be a thing. I'm just ever since whole mini wife thing I The part I left out was like, does he put her in his mouth I know. With her little head sticking out and she's just like,? I just go right to the sex implications. I know. Like a Richard Geere gir Gerbble. Gerbble. Gerbble. What was that? What that was a real real I just was like, that's not real. The whole world just decided, let's spread that one. How bizarre, That's like a simulation theory thing Like how bizarre, what was that based on? Somebody just started that and then it really spread like poor Richard Geere believe Yeah. Is it because rear and gear is durable in your butt By the way, Matt Johnson, Canadian filmmaker, who's obviously a fave, and I love everything he did the Tony trailer, whatever we've talked about it. I just think he's fantastic He had this great thing where he was like it was on the Stav Ros podcast, I think. he was like When people go, Nelson Mandela died in prison. Yeah. I remember that. they're like, No, he didn't. And people go, o, we're living in a simulation. And he's like, the human mind makes memories that are useful. So it'll take something that you heard or you misreembered and it'll go, that makes sense. He was a freedom fighter. He was fighting for political change, He probably died in prison Yeah. And it locks it in. And he goes, Luke, I am your father. And he goes, that's not the line. The line is, L in your heart, I am your father. But he's like your brain wants to make a clean memory and it needs the whole story. So it makes it Luke, I am your father. That's a story. Who's talking w't start theater, but he's saying Luke, I' my friend who' talking too. Yeah, it's like how where you fill in the gaps of like letters missing when you're, you know in that reading. We're just doing that constantly. Ething. I saw, I briefly don't judge. I was on a film set, I was shooting something and I was juiced up dopamine, tons of dopamine. Who cares? I installed Instagram and was just looking at some reels And one of them was you've probably seen it, it was a faucet rununning You hear the And the caption is proof your brain doesn't see reality. It only projects something on top of basased on what it's seen before Whoa. And then a pair of scissors comes into the frame and cuts the water. And you see Instantly that it wasn't water, it was a strip of paper Wha. And then it plays again, obviously because it's a real and you can see It was always and only ever a piece of paper, but you swear, I knew I saw cascading water for how real Wow. And that's just what we're doing Wow. That's why like when you're on mushrooms but or if you're just deeply present in other ways, you notice all of the stuff that you of course, It's not just an expression. I never noticed that. You really haven't, you didn't you've never seen it. Yeah. You've never seen your kitchen table Right. Not appropriately. Right. Well, and that's the other that's the problem with like and it ultimately is a relief because you have to surrender this. like trying to control people's perception of you, which is something that I majored in Yeah likeike I would have your PhD in. have my PhD in this? And And it is impossible because no one is seeing reality exactly the same and You are uck when you find people who get close enough. And this is why it does feel so good when somebody does seem to really see you But it also is like, but I'm gonna say something inevitably that this person will have a whole lot of baggage around and they're going to interpret it totally differently than I intended. And if you try to control that You'll make yourself insane and you won't succeed. L I mean, it's going to happen. It will happen. It's a given. You won't be able to And trust me, if anybody has gotten close it's me and I still can't do it. To keeping like never saying the thing. Yeah upset somebody. Yeah, to just always be completely understood for my intentions and to know to be able to control how people see me. Like you just can't do it because people come in with their own fill in in their own gaps. That's right That's why when we talk about like When you audition for something and you don't get it. actctors will always be like, you probably looked like the ex husband of the casting director.. And that is So true. Yeah. I haven't done a lot of hiring or casting in my life. It's it's rigged. It's such a scam. you're meeting with a showrunner And he reminds you of the guy, the neighbor, who when your shoelaces got caught in the gears of your bike ran over and stopped you from falling. And you hire this guy? Yeah. He's got curly hair and a tan. Yeah. What Totally. But I mean, like you kind of can't help it. You saw the running water. Yeah, but you've never seen paper This has been You've never seen the paper. This has been You've never seen the paper paper or water Um Doid we have any other threads? I can you remember? Oh yeah, what is sex Oh yeah. what we've talked about this before that when I was in junior high We learned about sexual assault. tryrying to be funny And then I just do a horrible routine. What are No, the definition of sexual assault is any orifice being penetrated by any other digit or and it says item, it lists examples. thing and we were like, and I know I've said this on the pod before, but a wet willillie technically is sexual assault or picking somebody's nose. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm just saying what we saw in I know, I've always hated wet willillies. In fact, Yeah, to take if you were like, the funniest thing to me is a wet Willie, I'd be like, you're in the way Yeah You're not building the future I want to live in because we're in domed cities where everyone has a billion dollars. Like I live in topia. You're putting your saliva in somebody's ear. You fucking anarchist? You're fucking nihilist, Donnie H course, it's Donnie. I thought that was from Big Lubowski. Oh, Donnie's not an nihilist But isn't he talking to Donny U about the Nihilists. Doesn't he go their're nihilists onon No, no. Okay Anyway What is sex? French kissing We're saying in our very loose in our new definition, It's very weird to put A tongue in someone's mouth. But like not just a tongue, a Projectile. like what do I mean? Somet that projects off of you like a dick Yeah. It's your mouth, Dick. Yes. It's a thing that you can put in things that most of the time is hidden Oh, because it tastes food. It's not a dick Yeah. It's a dick. or just that It has no seed. This is what has no seed. This is what I need It's a pregnancy thing. It's that it is a pregnancy thing. and it's we're like it's not a it's it shoots blanks. It shoots nothing I know, but the fact that it's What's interesting about it is that it's arbitrary And we all have these general agreed upon rules. becausecause it really should be sex is only something that could get you pregnant. Right Like's like the That makes the most. The Puritans were like, well, sex is the act that leads to the baby. Yes. And that actually is the closest thing that makes sense But we are like, no It's It's having orgas. Anal sex is definitely seex and and like anal sex is the close is the is the tie for first Yeah, I think it is a tie. I mean, if anything, it's somehow more than oral sex. woman or You know what I'm trying to say?omen. Oral sex involving a penis is number three This is what sex is. One is penis in vagina, two is penis and anus. three is penis in mouth. I'm sorry. It's like that Tesla makes the top three best selling American cars. I'm sorry they're all Tesla. I'm sorry they're all penis And I could be wrong. Well, yes I am wrong? Well, yes. I mean, lesbians are having sex with other. I not this doesn't these could be millimeters to each other. I don't mean number one is peanut butter, number two is yogurt. But it is just it's offensive. Yeah, it's exactly the male gaze. Like this is we know. men only think that sex No that se was a bulldozer Sex is a wrecking ball going into a building. like That is what makes think. No, I know. Yes. I don't defend these opinions. Okay, I know. How many times? you don't have to get defensive, then I'm just telling you what's wrong with the opinion. That was a bit about you. That was a bit yell. It really was. I know. Feel my pulse. Feel my pulse. Is that sex That sucks. That can be quite sexy. Oh yeah, listening to a heartbeat. Well, that's okay. we're saying listening to a heartbeat, measuring someone's instseeam, those are like forty nine, fifty. and just to keep it So we're saying digital manipulation. Let's get lesbian sex in there. Yes, please I'll even make number one Tonel lingus. How's that? Great. That's number one though You feel good about that? You're gonna submit You're gonna submit the top fifty things that are sex and number one. No, I was kind of lingous. I would say this, this is my honest truth. I better hear Dick and Reagina right now. I'm just kidding. go ahead. I would say yes. Penis and vagina Is tied for? Is tied for Um is tied for. I would say penis in vagina, Cunol lingus blow jobs tied for first. Oh they're all tied reverse. Yeah. This is like trying to like solve a major geopolitical crisis. L this is not easy It's gonna get it's going to be hard to get the Falacio people to the table on this one that that doesn't count. I don't no know, I'm just joking. I like this. Okay, so I think that I think a three way first is good. And I think I'm going to just to say it in an even better way Uh Penis and mouth mouth on vagina penis in vagina. are all all for. Nber one. Yes, I agree. because the game in are in there, they're represented Because I have I have to imagine. Okay, you're right. I think that then what? I think we have to add anal sex into the first one H Now we're not even making a list. We're just saying. Well, that's right. I think making a list is stupid This is I understand You I feel like a fucking gen Xer that you just walked through the woods And there's Timothy Shalamin he goes Lock your list And I go I don't need a list. but it is I didn put it in a list. S, I understand. I'm not against putting it in a list. I'm just saying I don't know how to put it in a list because those things are truly equal to me. I'll say this What's more interesting to me Then what are the top three? Because everybody can disagree. and you know I'm down with the lesbians. Like I want my best friends to be represented in this list. I want them to be thrilled with this list. and gay men, I have many what is this fucking virtue signally? I'm just saying I want everyone to be happy with the list I am M curious with where like French kissing ' got to be like number four. We don't know what number one, two and three are. but French kissing is sort of sex That's what you're Like suucking a toe has to be on there. like toe latio. Yeah. I didn't mean to u I don't want to shame. Don't yuck somebody don't want to I don't want to shame. I don't want to k sh.'t, I'm just kidding. I've seen that in adult films and it's I don't I don't think it's It's gotta be two girls. Here's the thing. I totally understand it. Like I don't want anyone licking the guy foot Yeah, I And I don't want to see guy like in a girlf foot. It's gotta be too gross. It's you know what? I feel really bad because I know that is a common kink and I and I just want to say I got kinky shit too. the people who feel gross about about it. Oh, that that was your miniature wife. I do feel bad about it. Yeah, miniature toe. I When you did that, I don't think you were shaming others. you were just you were just kind of letting us know it's not your don't fav. I don't think it's objectively gross. G me that''s just not my thing Um, Okay kissing? Yeah, I mean, I know what you mean. It's I think really we've made our point, which is just Yeah, now we're just gonna get into like more fringe things. Yes. I think chewing on an earlobe. The only point is really, we're not making a statement. We're just saying, isn't it interesting that putting a finger or a penis in an orifice is more sex than putting We so tongue in a mouth. A tongue In a mouth. in a mouth It's hard to talk about this, but it is just another entry. Your mouth like the genitals of your north body quQueen in my heart. It's a mouth. is the genitals of your north body. have. everyveryone has face vagina or just a face entry. Entry. Yeah Entry Yeah. and everyone has a face O tree Yeah the time And we're just It's not rude to look at it. I know we look right at it. We look right at it Yeah. And then we also put other stuff in it. That's pretty kinky. Yeah. You're like, I'm gonna kiss you, but let me finish this salad I know. Veryhing going on with theth. And food Oh my Jesus. Eating we've had eatingating sex So sex. We haveve had eating food is on the list now Yeah, But it's like, If you really are an alien and you're not in a human body and you're looking at this, it's like they some people put body parts in there Opings. Yeah. and why? Pleasure, pleasure centers. And sometimes they put inanimate things in their openings. Yeah. Why? Pleasure? Yeah Pleasure And you're like, so those are the same If you want to get into the field of awareness. I know. ever so briefly Everything is the same. There's this concept in Buddhism that I am obsessed with This is almost over for everybody but it's like It's called One Taste And one taste means you in your mind Distinguish between a feeling and a sound But at the end of the day, both are Uh, you could just say your' sensation sensation we. No Yeah Yeah, known sensation When you should get stoned and think about this, everybody listening, if that's something you do, don't try it because I said it if it's not something you do. But it's a great thing to experiment with when you're in a relaxed state of any kind You just go like, a sound is just the information and then the mind goes, that was a sound. You hear a bird, but it was just the knowing of somethingomething we don't know. and then it gets a little bit cleaner when you go a smell of cinnamon taste of cinnamon. of onene of them is just like kind of like a more intense version of the same fucking thing fucking nuts. Yeah. I can see I've lost you. No. I'm trying to stay with it. I get it. I mean, I do understand it before cool. The next knot H C you handle that Can you handle that? Yes before the next feeling appears? Yeah. I've hated where I ended this. No. I've hated where I ended this. No what. You don't know what it's like. My spiritual beliefs are like showing someone your balls I I know it's so rare to meet someone that's like, canan I see your balls? Yeah. But then you do. And one of the friends that you have is email that you can talk to about this. So I'm just taking it back to Tat. Yeah. Oh. I'm just taking it back to that that you can like That's true, but that's a bottle relationship. that's on a retreat relationship. Sure, sure sure. That helps my neurospiciness. I'm like, you are retreat friend. You are not girlfriend. You're retreat friend. Yeah. No. I know. I love it. That is very cool. And there are people who are listening to that are like I mean, It's gotta be zo five percent though. We're glad you were here, everybody. I' really crashed. Yeah. I'm at like a zero. You can ask me something you would have asked me at the beginning. I'll give you a totally different answer now. What did we ask? My chemistry is completely different. Well, I don't remember the beginning, so I guess I crashed harder than you. Lesbians don't scissor. Thanks for being here I know which to me nobody and nobody's docking To me, the not scissoring, I'll say it. H' here,' done something crrispy. I think that's insane And I think if I were Alz, I would definitely do that because I'm always trying to bring dry humping back and that's essentially dry hump. If it's not dry It is humping. Yeah That's pretty high on the list. Scissoring. I think that's why scissoring is what straight people think lesbians are doing. I know. I'm sure some of them are doing it. I think'tomebody said this me why they aren't. It wasn't my new lesbian friends. I think scissoring is to the lesbians as sixty nineing is just straight. That's so interesting to me. And sixty nineing to the lesbians is what missionaries torate. It's so funny. God, I hope they're out there just gloriously sixty nine all the time. It is kind of It's like Somebody's in like an inner tube. like you're just seeing the lower part of an inner tube You're just seeing what If you swam underneath someone and it's just that Yeah. It's just The main event So there's the main event So there's no u It's not very romantic. Yeah, work. What do I meanic It's very erotic, I think. Well, that's because men have a different idea of eroticism than women generally Okay It's not very sensual. It's not very int It's very int. It's very intimate. It's not very See, I, to me, erotic. and sensual point to likeike holistically sexy, the full yeses. Okay. The whole It's not very holistic It's very holic. All right. keep Body once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest duel in the shed. Listen how I'm singing it. it's like with no affectation. know. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an know Honor forhe. I was close to real singing O do you have to say it again