Quick Fire Round and Outro

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BedG. Spring to slid into your DMs. Grab that booho look for that rooftop dinner. Th sandals that can keep up with you and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up Spring' Calling Ross, work your magic Can I please visit your castle and go up on the turrets You can come up my turret Look who we've got. Hello. let me finish I' Campbbell. I'm sorry. Apologies for being excited. Yes, he is excited. Apologies for being thrilled. This's the second time he's interrupted me. Don't vex me today 'cause it's hot It's two these things coming out D's too hot for fucking about It's so warm, huh? I shouldn't even been doing a podcast. Surely we've got rights Yeah thirty five degrees and we're doing a podcast. I am so sweaty. Look at my massive glasses. I know why lookook, they're steamed up. Are they steamed up? Are they? lookook at your glasses. What do you think about these? They look like, yay. I found them on the road. No shit. No they're like you look like John Lennon, Do you say that as a compliment? Oh yeah absolutely. Yes. Yeah, yeah. John Lennon and He was a very fascinating person. Yes, he was. Yes. He liked to do flips, didn't he? He'd be like I loved you, mother, but mother, you didn't love me. you know what I mean? You did a lot of flips and things. Y. Yeah Well, you ou't about. He have d know? would do a lot of like You you know what I'm talking about here? He has a song He's lyrically. Lyrical flips. And he's got that amazing lyric as well. Life happens when you're doing other things. Oh prettyretty much everything that the guy said could be used as a quote on a. card L teetail or teetail? Yeah. Even I think Yogka had a few good ones as well. I think she said Something about digging a hole in the ocean. Oh, that's dang. If you think about it you're like impossible. So yeah, she had a few good ones as well. Yeah Has she been on this? No, but you see her. You see that you see that glass box up there I was I got his ashes.. Yes, Yoko said you have them, Man. I've got no use forem Why would Joo give me a That is key to an unfaded memory, which I was doing a I was doing an was it the Royal Academy of Art? I was hosting it and then someone took me to one side and said, Alen When you're judging it, when you're hosting it, you bid for bid for one of the lots, it's sort of frowned on if you don't So I'm seeitting there go, Ky to an unfaded memory. It's a glass it's a glass box in it with a key in it So when yeah, do I hear five thousand pounds Yeah, so when five thousand. Do I have six Six five. five thousand pound to me. Oh you sold it to yourself. No, that was the auctioneer, of go. I didn't explain that very well. No I was I'm slow. I'm like demented. I am not. my goodness. I was That's a dog by the way, for you listen. There's a dog sneezing here. Yeah.es. We didn't know the dog's gonna. You thought I was in a bidding war with myself I didn't understand what was going on. I wasn't p of that and I sat next to her to slow down. So the Royal Academy of Art. Yeah, invited you to host us. Yeah was for a charity thing. blah, blah, blah, yeah. And then I did it. and then five charity starts at home. I know five thousand pounds. And then I sat next to it thing I said, But that is nothing to you. You blow your nose with five thousand pounds You've got just purchased a castle with a moat made of Lamborini You liar. It's not got a moat. Has it got the trevouchet Can I please visit your castle and go up on the turrets You can come up my turret that by Oh, it's sor right let me finish my anecdote. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. And then I sat next to a thing. I went, Oh, hello, Yoko Oo. I said, I had the pleasure of buying your key to an unfaded memory. She' never heard of it Oh really? Yeah You think she's got a team Oh what Who makes plastic boxes? oazing? A lot of big artists have their own teams that are doing all the artworks. they get in trouble finding. No. I know, I Google. You've got to tell him' Alan's angels, he calls them there's about forty women. Yeah Yeah. This is like a well olded machine. We wearing gloves they saort they go over here, please. Alan doesn't like it if you. Yeah, yeah. That's right, isn't it? There's like a long list of things not to mention, Alan doesn't like not mention's massive glasses or sweatiness I know it's so hot. Listen, we're working we're providing entertainment for people even though we're sweating. Yeah, I like it's kind of like being doing a bickrroom yogura. I feel good. Yeahah, ye, yeah Maybe I might do someation revelations. Yeah. do some revelation. God, tell us something reveals the wor. So do you need those glasses just for you to look cool or do they have you're like a pretty I mean, this is a big show. You're one of the big top guys. I know. I cannot turn on the box without seeitting you. Yeah, you say that like it's a bad No, it's exciting. I get angry when to come to my castle No. If I see sw across the Lambrini If I see show on the TV and I see another presenter, I spit I would get really upset. Iing up my ag. Why has Allison Hammond got that job When I won twenty seven programs. Jonathan. I bet she interviewed you were lastgh one laughy when you did that No, no, I didn't She did I did not of us. See, this is you have a charmed life. I there's a people that get interviewed by her And I was not allowed to You were not allowed to I did likeam. I did an interview with like the Metro magazine or something and they were like O press stuff they said, we're safving that for our big stars. No way. You know, I didn't have a dressing room. I was just in the hallway just walking around floating I in Allen's dressing roomriefly. there was a big bathub. I said, What is that? said Ohh, that's Allan'shtr And I said get out Whever you are Get out! What's doing here you peasants? Ivelog admire. I'm your biggest chasa! I threw that Yoko Oo block at his head. Get out! Even though it's an antique I don't care if it breaks. five thousand pounds is nothing to me. H The boy plays you in your young show. Yes, changing ends. I was convinced that you had like dubbed him. He is so good. He' so good. Is he the best actor yet? I think he is. I mean two B denominations and he's won Royal Television Society. But he came into his own in the last series because his voice was breaking ' it pubertated. and then so he got that crackle. Al. Just right, you know, and on set. You wouldn't know if it was me or him like, I'm right I'm going to the toile. And then it would be him. The word uncanny springs to mind. Yes, yes, yes. 'cause it sometimes I felt I was being dubbed because I wasn't saying anything. And I he let's have a sandwich and I'm like I didn't say that We is fantastic. You know what? have you thought about this doing you've done the young version of Alen. Would do you ever do old Allen, a TV show about you in the future? Oh my Godd, that'd be great. It would play me. Have you Ostter for Biggins? I'm a Biggins fan? Yeah, yeah. Have you watched Coach Trip Oh my Brendon. Yeah, that's I've seen a bit of coach quite the chunky man with the glasses and the receding ha. I think Brendon should play me from coach. I would have Derek Jacobi Dererick Jacoby. How do you say there? Jacoby? Derek Jacoby. He's the Jacobian actor. Yes, it's Derek Jacobe. Jacobell respected. He is. Jacobbe. Oh, peopleople say things differently. Yes, you do. Who would play a younger you? A young version of me? Who would play a young version of him Ooh, okay. Who would you go? Cellum Turner He Lorde's got to be in the mix. Jacob Jacob Aaudi. You know, I've met Jacob Aaordi L I call him Eire. I call him a Lordi. E Lordi like Jacobee. He's got a bright future there guy I bet you know I met him. Yeah. Do you know we play you at older you and don't be offended by this Subo Piss it Susan Boyle, you got the same You got that big air. You know, quite big round the side like she is What's I looking at now? I've got no problems with her. She's a goddess. She's an icon. Have you met her? Yes? She's very nice. She went Hello, Allen Yeah, that's the anic. It's not as good as the Yoo Oo one. Do you think she would sing in the biopic I think she should sing the theme tune. Sam. Sam the man. She walks at everyone's like, Oh my Godd, what the hell? And then she starts that voice at everyone's heart. I can't believe it. That was peak BGT for me. That was amazing. That was where I stopped judging books by their cover and started to inspect their contents Good for you. I look at the index and all that pro Pro laps prol you bring out the worst in me? Are you trying to fucking catch me out and last one last? I can't believe you're pointing at me like sorry. No Is that not rude in this culture? In this culture. He's pointing at me, he was clicking at me before. W time just start. It was reallyent. List sorry. No You tried to catch me out and laugh and laugh with that little man in the cub. would you remember the little man you kept popping up in the cub They cut that little man complepletely, I think. didid they? I had this little man that I brought in, a stretching man. He popped it everywhere. It was called Aguin. And he was really nice. He was stretchy. He was he would put it just everywhere and then he'd put it in the carp and Id think down and I'd see this little man. If a guy can interrupt, I think he's Japanese. But yes, yeah. He got caught completely They're idiots for doing that. It was so funny. you nearly caught me out. And I' probably definitely shouldn't say this, but you know what I heard they had doppelgangers of every person on the show waiting, you know, they did. D you? Because you know I was out? wasas it first? Was I first or second? You did not last long. No, I didn't last long And so they were in there. Now you and David were going on and on for My sweating I am sweating I'm sweating. Well no, no, no, it's passast cast past. That toes him down Solicit It's not that bad, is it? It looks cool. It does not I love to take like a piece of shit. I can feel my glasses, I can feel my glasses sliding off my face where it's so sweaty and they're now resting on my nipple your pepperiola. don' know what that means. What were we talking about? So Jacob Billordy, yeah, Wolf Kill No, no, no, what was it? Last one? Yes. so Oh yeah, you go on the podcast. He gets to tell a thousand own anecdotes. You've got the absolute parar about Jacob Budi. No chance. No. No. See when this happens, I shut down. Sorry. I hope you cut this out, your biopic Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. No you want a bit of you want a bit of frosty. Yeah. Okay. So I was. No no, no, no, no, no, you go first I'm met Jacob B Lordy at Aam joog good. Oh so hot. So and when I get hot I get angry. So that you know when people are kind of hairy manen at all? No, I've got look at my skin, got I' the same. I've got no testostery. Yeah, I'm the same. Hillless wonders. People say, have you shavave these legs? I haven't Yeah, I'm the same. I've got nothing. Under armed crailian. Brazilian downstairs Braazziliannounced des I was s I was sitting there with Jimmy and Roshine and they were talking. I mean, I've got pubes. they're just really thin They were they were whispers.othing to Whispers. Nothing to write home about whiskers, you mean. Whispers. Not whispers. That's the chocolate bar. a couple of whispers. Got a couple of whispers in my knickers Anyway, so What was I going say? Yes, you and David Mitchell were going on and on. and I know people think, you know, it's produced or not, but we were there till nearly midnight weren'? None of you was cracking was so And then they were saying, how can we do it? Then they let the intimacy coaches come on, But they were like, we've got dopple gangers and Jim was going, Should we bring out the Dppel gangers? Every one of us had a doppel ganger on hold to just come in. So I wonder what yours would have looked like. And I wonder what mine would have looked like Yeah, we would never know they didn't send them in. No. And they wouldn't like us, wouldn't they's say. That's the nature of a doop again Yeah. He probably do have impersonators on websites that people can hire out I don't think so. Can we get the real thing? Yeah, I reckon you would Reately? Yeah. Okay, You're a superstar, maybe come on, tell us about Jacob Belaudi This is hopefully a winning anecdote I was at didnun at age twenty four The road. They're like they make cool movies. Oh work like's a production company. So I'm showing A' got got a lovely service Yeah A twenty four. Yeah. They make like trendy movies like kind of like where the aspect ratio keeps changing. Oh yeah and theyll have like, you know, the big stars of the moment. Oh o, yeah. But I didn't know what they were I didnn't you know, I was a simple minded country boy It was such thin wrists. but I went to America and the people I was hanging out with, they were like, We're going to this party. I didn't know age twenty four. I was so foolish So I' and it suddenly there were stars d a hill is there.ome of the biggest stars I've ever seen in my life. Did you go and hello to him? I was too nervous. so. I was too nervous. I' have gone over. A curious? Someone like me talking to somewhere Jink Kabalordi Well, that's the thing, he wasn't famous yet This is This is years ago So I find, you know, a sweet natured boy from Brizzy Yeah and we're chatting. I'm like finally you know, there's all these stars aroundm of this guy and his team, he's got a team. They could not stand. They were like, Oh my God, Jacob is talking to them know. but they're like, whoo is this guy? This guy isn't veted We don't know who this guy. They descended upon us. It was like Romeo and Juliet. I was like, Jacob. He was like, Hey, let me get you your number. we should hang you. And they're like taking him away.ike, No, Jacob, we have to do' gift to karaoke. goes no one wants anything about Karaoke. They're like, comeome on Jacob, away, away I was like considered almost a bad boy, a bad influence on Jacob And he was like, lets he goes, let me hear your number. I never got a chance. Oh no. We could have, I don't know what we could have done. Maybe eat preszon yogurt together. Oh my go, that's that's so sad in it. But I get it. If I saw my prize ball talking to someone like me, I would yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd yank them away. Oh Godd, you bloody world. Have you hadard that like bad influencers in your life and things like that? How long have you got love How long have you got Honestly, I've had so many wrongs Yeah in my life Just cockroaches rin cockroaches. A bowl of cherry Yeah. Don't they say one cockroach can ruin a whole bowl of cherries? No, no, that's one shit in a swimming pool There was a fight at the swimming pool in Nar mine. And the whole pool was closed the next day. What were they fighting over? It was a woman, apparently. A fighting over a woman. she must have been sexy U Now apparently she'd written a really beautiful essay they both admired. But the whole pool was closed the next day they were we don't want fighting, no fighting. Yeah Stop fighting List That's my message to Israel Yeah, yeah. Yeah, stop fighting. Yeah And what were you saying? Make that movie. Oh my god, it's so funny. What donon't make out you don't know the thing that you're on a plugging. But you've watched it? Yes Can I quizz you on her? Yeah, goo on then. Because the man who works in the printhop has those same glasses. You got? know. Who was the gaffer? He hasn't seen it. You would talk Oh don't tell me something el. Okay, I'll tell you, okay Okay, o, this is the final minute of episode one A woman from the Midlandss up turns up. she's doing she wants to do a film about a tiny butler Who's as small as a cup? It's the most ridiculous thing I've heard in my life. That's it mate. I can't believe Oh you watch it It was so funny and so weird and so surreal. Oh Ik you know that has meant so much to me. What's about fuck That's not. What can I do No, I mean, you've done so much for so many of us I was in my castle. Yeah. I was in my c. When did you move in Um o next week hopefully Csingloed, you ever bought a castle? Oh Wow. Let's do some relatable chat You go in a syndicate to buy a box of cornfags. a car Yeah, you're really on your own. No ye yeah, you're really on your own. I'm on struggle straight. You're serious. Stuggle straight. Yeah I to buy those glasses on Klowna, is that right? I mean, you must been bad you finding eyeewear in the street and having to wear them even though it's not your prescription. What will you wear in the castle? Will it be like like, are you gonna to go like actually if you're living in that area? got a crown? And no like iPads or anything. No technological technology you'll have to dress up as an old old person Wow. Yeah. Wait, so are you gonna do like an opening what would you call it a banquet or like a fair? Yeah, yeah, we'll have like an old like, Do you want to come and stay? Are you doing Edinburgh this year? The Finge, I bet you're not you too busy, are you? No, I might show up for a couple of days. You come and stay at my castle, I would love that. Yeah I would love that That's incredible. Yeah. B in the dungeons He's a got dungeons. No he's not got dungeons. he's got bedrooms, He's got a lovely ballroom, got a library Oh my God. and has it been black bloodshed and what is the history of it No, it's Victorian. it's not like an old, not like Transylvania castle. that It's just like a castle I a nice carso. Has it got a foll Yes, there's one in the garden. I love for. it's got a formal garden. Fllies I've got everything And it's official Y life's a fairy tale. I know. And mine sucks H Come on, we'll have losers at the castle. Oh what have I got questions What's this bookass about travel and we haven't even said anything yet. You've just been twenty one minutes, I haven't even mentioned a place name. Oh gosh. Yeah. Well, listen, let's talk about make that movie. I've written my parents have been to Turkey, but I haven't. I don't care Well you should see them now No have the teeth. They got everything done. Really wow.. they had actually because they're so much in love, they swapped one eye each. So my dad has one of my mother's eyes and my mother has one of his eyes. Oh my Godd, that is so beautiful. beautiful.ow. lovely. coming Oh my go, that's really nice. That's really're a Have youve seen Terry and don't theyay? the operation just couldn't have gone better.. Listen, make that movie now Now I've proven to you that I was Yeah yeah. Did it come about? Sorry for being a doubting Thomas though. I just can't forad people say you can't read. You haven't read my book. No But it's not that. you're like Allan is too busy, you know, he's sort of rel you're the one spreading that rumor. You're on every channel. every time I turn the teleion on, you're on. You've got an army because Ipire to be like you and I want to be at Mgul and I want to be on the front. I'm not a mogul products I want to have what products have I got Last time I went to the supermarket, there was an entire aisle dedicated to your products Allen's biscuits. Allan's wine, Alens Doiler, Allan sanetery towels No make that movie. Did it come about through last one laughing? Because it's the the head of comomedy Channel four has been champion you and Yeah, ye, she said I could make a TV shirt. Yeah, but it's hard to get things commissioned, so she must have faith in you I know some things about her in her past. Yes Yeah. I'm sry. I may have dabbled in a bit of blackmail. No, no, it took ages. L it was like three years ago we filmed the pilot and I thought, o, nothing's gonna to happen with that. And then they said you want to make more. and then they made more at the end of last year. Okay. amazing ye But riting was tough. Yeah. Did you find the riding the tough process And then youve got yours is a bit I think it's about twenty three minutes long, Is it withithout the adverts, obviously and stuff. And I think with mine on ITV is saying to write something for twenty two minutes is harder than writing something for an hour because you've got b basash. you at those jokes. You got to compress it. Yeah. And I think we've make that movie, you get a really funny tug in cheek movie, don't you? but then you get the making of it as well. You do get you get the best of both worlds really. And I think those actors who who act like bad actors, that is such a skill is it the way they deliver the lines. Yeah, she's amazing. lady called her name's Kath She's fantastic Check out Kf, if you get the chance. And the film is about a man and a woman and they can't they have to become snakes, but they can't be snakes at the same time. One has to be a snake and then the other has to be a snake. The CGI is good Thanks, Ellen because when I heard the beginning of the plot, I was like Okay, let's see this snake notot at the end. This crap But deliberately, crab. Oh, that wasn't that that was practical effects the actual snake that was on his chin and stuff like that. Yeah Let's cut this bit. Wh cares No one's going to watch this. I mean, they can't if they won' Okay Let's let's talk about Oh no, I will do a plug if you need to watch is on E four. No no channel four. Channel four, donon't feel you have to watch it, but if you have a spare moment And you've done all of your admin. watch this show. It's really, really good. It's really funny. It's surreal, It's madcap. and I was going to ask you, it's like it it's I hate that word alternative because what's that even mean? Be not everyone has the same sense of humor, but it's nice and refreshing because we've sort of Sitcoms have sort of been a bit They've been great, but this one is off the wall, isn't it? It's off the charts a bit. if you've got a surreal sense of humour then you're gonna to love this. Yeah, if you're kind of messed up and you haven't been sleeping well if you're considered the black sheep of your family If you have undergone medical experiments and signed up for like what of those you know these people are like you've experienced trauma It's great If you've been dononked on the head So listen, you grew up, Is this true Atherton Tableland It sounds like a furniture shop on an industrial estate I did I did graph on the table ends ye. Yeah, is it table land Yeah, the table land. Have you been to Australia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where did you go? I performed in Sydney. Oh yes. Melbourne. Wh I talking to Adelaide, Canberra? Did you? Yeah went everywhere. You did.. You're back into it, Are you gripping the mic? Throwing down Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. I'm going on tour in January and I'm testing out. And you're whipping up new stuff. Yeah, it's tough,n't it? Oh my goodness. Yeah that's exciting. I know, it's excitited to come you come up with a new joke and stuff. Yeah. So tell us about Affton Table lands Is it worth me going for a trip? Because when I looked on Wikipedia, you were the only notable resident. Oh I didn't know that. Yeah, you're the only one on there. Oh wow.'s a kind of You're pigging me up. You need to big yourself up. You're the only notable resident in Asfftherton. Hello! suuddenly I feel yeah, my ego is swelling. I feel good Maybe That's good. It's quite rural, isn't it? Very rural. Yes. I've been described as a regional trinket So it's a beautiful lake there, Lake Echam, which I used to go to a lot when I was grow. Is that like a hidden gem? Is that's beautiful. It's amazing. I think there's like a lot of Animals only live in that lake. like there's this rainbow fish that only lives in there Yeah incredible. there was rumorss there was a crocodile there. I don't think they were true yeah Tom Beautiful little pontoon. People used to jump off the tree there and break their arms all the time. Oh great. A lovely story. Yeah. And Lake Teneroo. So my dad used to catch white tail rats. These are huge rats. Oh my God.. Almost as big as your dog No way True B big, They're huge at that dog Yeah, with a tail? Yeah, watertail rats They're huge. Oh God, do they eat? can they eat people They would they can eat like u if I died, they'd eat me. They would def they wouldn't kill me anyone ' been eaten by a rat in Afforton Tablelands I think o no, there's not No it' one of your family b. No, no, no, don't donon't ruck about My first wife. No, no, no, the No, I don't think they eat. I just don't want to that. I'm sweating enough as it is. That' mean making out someone's been eaten by rats. S let me hang there Oh Godd, I feel like a rat arl. No, no, I don't think anyone's been because you'd be surprised like I think pigs can eat people. Yeah and they they feed in it people I mean, there's famous like these mass murderes. They feed them to the pigs. Yeah. it's sort of the last thing you'd think. But as I had two pigs on my farm, I'd have farmed once And it's funny they were all they suspicious Yes No, I never murdered anyone. if I'm gonna mention this on the podcast. I'll tell you. That's what they do. That's what they do. It's all in plainart. But when I was feeding the pigs They were me down from the top of my wellies We know the hook at the end So I thought if I If I'd fallen over, they would have eaten me Goodn't it? I know. So you've had two pigs. What happened to the two pigs lost him in the divorce Oh stomach get in my stomach Yeah, I lost two pigs. ye. they were so lovely, but I felt I can't trust them. If I was pissed and I went in there and fell over, I think they'd eat you.. So you didn't get one of the pigs because you didn't want to split them up. Yeah, I got both pigs. I't over eat them. No. Those two pigs Yeah. Ordin are you at divorce at devorill? Yeah de Vill H That's exciting. Well I feel like that's changed how you think about me. Are you quite prim and property? you think it's a bit off to be divorced. Imagine that if I walked out, I' got a divorce a No, but some people like that. Some people go, Ohh, he's divorced. I don't like that. affects my values. You better not be a Protestant, but I don' care about it.. I don't know. It's exciting. It just adds another element to you. I know. yeah, yeah. Yeah ye. You got so many elements. Thank you. Do remind me a bit of well, the periodic table Let's move on with tra. Yep Tell me your holiday disaster. I was oriised in America. That That was horrible. Oh no, what happened I just found it really tough. So I thought I was going to die in an illegal Uber The guy I couldn't pay for it because he didn't have Apple pay. and then I was like having to message people and That sounds like a scam. It was mad, yeah. And he kept saying, he goes, I'm a nice boy. He was Yeahah and I was like, who Yeah Yeah. and he wass going really fast people were beeping at him That was really scary and I also went to a diner and I got pancakes. Oh yeah. nice The guy says you wear anything on top And I go, what do you got? He goes, Oh, we got bries He goes yummy Yummies Yummy. I was what do you say to that one? I don't know what to do. Yummy. M It was hard don't know. Yeah ye. they do add they do say their own thing didn't like if you buy a pair of trousers or a thumb those are nice swags. They ye they infantilize. they just Yeah, It was quite mad over there. Was it Yummy? Yummy. What was the pancaes. Yummy? I left. I stormed it. No, no, they were good. they were good of. It was huge. You found out he was divorced. but they were it was massive. I couldn't barely see like, you know, they went to the horizon. It was the biggest staircase I've ever sort of had. Bea you're a vegetarian, have you is that true? I'm now Pescyatarian, I'm going to go back to vegetarian. Yeah, yeah yeah. yeah yeah. So have you ever been anywhere in the world where you haven't you've had to eat meat? of you always resisted Because sometimes my friend went to what's it called Chuniz and she was a vegetarian and they gave a goat. They just say we just do not do that. And they said we don't and then they just scraped the goat off and then she just had two little bits. Yeah to deliberate that. I haven't been confronted with that No. Yeah, I think there's so many good options. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now is the greatest time to be people are replacing things. Yeah, yeah, good ye. And people are not as interested in animals They were interested in animal kindness towards animals. Yeah, that's not. That has affected the circus badly And that's a bad thing they don't have elephants there. I don't know what the circus is anymore L I think it used to be elephants and apes. And now it's like I think Yeah. I mean, it's still cool and I'm into it, but I think it's gone the monkeys now they've got rights and they can't smoke and does spoil my Yeah it does spoil my enjoyment when you see I don't see lions and tigers in a really small pen. There's got to be a way finding out if there's ones who want to do it Because I don't know what the surface is. I honestly think it's guys with the swirling mache in G strings. like it's now it's like a bit of a launch fest. Yeah, it's too raunchy. You are prudish. Maybe I am You are may M I am. I make count you're not. I don't make count I'm not. I'm a well known prude. Yeah, I'd like to open up. Yeah. I might go to a retreat or something. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I bet you'd never go to a nud dis camp D Yummy. The ndest ye. Yummy Yummy Yummy! Oh God. Sally I got got a new discab, but look at the one. Yummy Oh I'm not allowed back to that beach. Oh why not? I Um, yeah, have I'm interested in the Nest colonies and things like that. Yeah. Yeah.. The only thing you're missing pockets. Yes, yes. So maybe they've got like your glasses. Yeah, mayaybe they've got like strings. I don't know what they're up to. Yeah a G string, put it there know it's nutish. You can't even wear a G str. a G banger. But yeah, maybe I need to be less prudish. But maybe not I don't know. Maybe maybe people need to meet me and become less whatever they' up to Groty ot. So you if you've got anything else that you need to promote, or it just make that movie? Magic Mike Live Maybe I'm not such a good boy That's quite creepy. Let's move ons. Sorry. Oh man. we're about to start our descent Oh, I've got a story in order to tell get your piece of paper out. Did a lot of people come with a piece of paper? No, just you I've written passport. I don't know what that could mean Yeah You know I lost my passport in a years. You know with've ves. Yes You know, when they come and stay Have you ever done that stereotypical thing where you've been on the setity for ages and they can't get rid of you 'cause that is a bit It might be an outdated stereotype, but I remember having two wzes we could not ye. Would you ever one of those got e and you turn up I don't think so. I think wnder if I've lived in some strange places here, like really odd Areas. What did you first think of London when you came here I was oh my go, I was blown away. I couldn't believe it. It's just so it's so big and like every it's like Every time you turn a corner, it's like a whole different world Yeah, it's quite amazing one. Yeah. I rep London. I think it's really good. Good good. But I was living the first place I lived I u The guy, what was he doing he opened the fridge and there wass like one of the shelves. He goes, Oh that's for you and And' like, oh yeah I'll put all my stuff. He goes, no, that's that's where you'll be stay Let's move on Like a mole. So like a mole. Yeah, yeah. We're about to start at this cense so we got time for the quick f. Do I have time to tell my story Oh yes, sorry, I keep forgetting. I hope it's good. Oh I'm sure it will be. It's about. The eyes have been great Do I need to get better with my anecdote? No donon't you go changing Really? Y no. I want to try a yummy. I went to Napoli Yeah. Should we dive into that? Yeah, let's do it. did you like Napoli? I went with a friend of mine who's a Grump. This guy's from the Grump administration. The Grump. Oh yeah, he's been out here. ye ye, okay ye I can tell. The state on the set says tells me everything. Listen, I went to Napali with this guy and you know, we're having a good bit of fun, first to see a mural of Maradonna. a lot of like a really good time. But then we did a tour of Pompei Oh, I've been there. inccredible. Thatess what my dad said Bing site. Well, you know that's the guy who's frozen and's ways hes he's sort of We're not frozen. burnnt a alive to a thin. but you know there's the guy who's do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah' like that Noot that guy, the guy who's sort of u that he was Be intimate with you know what I mean? He was someone who was wanking. Yeah. That's why we went. We wanted to finish him off You tried to do what the volcano couldn't. Yeah. Oh my Godd There was another kind of eruption. I wish I didn't say that don't W that the story? No, there's more. There's more. that's just a little a borddy detour. Bdy. o Because they have the penises, don't they on the on the street names. see pointing in the way wle That's why the volcano hit because they were doing so much sin Is that what you're so brudish again? No, no, I'm not saying You think they deserve that because they lived in sin. Oh God. you'll be up spepeakers go now. I've got another thing. I've got no problem with people making love and being intimate, but when suddenly harnesses are involved and then suddenly it's fifty people, it's two and they're all like running together going O and they're humping and they're sliming and they're all sliming. Well, I don't know, this Guchilling has been happening There are weird things happening. And you think they deserve? No, I don't think they deserved it What if I had my way, it would have gone it would have been the lava would have gone near just as they're like, hey guys, calm down touching yourself. C on. Yeah, yeah. but I do not the lava is right, we're going back up now. Yeah, the fact they got incinerated Yeah ye. Yeah Lava reversing. That's That's the My problem with the Old Testament God is more warnings lesss just like striking and attacks. Just like come on Take it easy, take it easy, take it easy. So this man that was touching himself, how much could you see You can see it all. It's have you you been to Pompe? Yes. It'sible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just for the listener I would have You' noting a wank when it You know, if a volcano' erupted You just get out, You don't sult I'm horny I'm going have a wank You don't say that. I wouldn't do do it. No. No. you're against it anyway. It's disgusting maturbation. I do it just not with my hands. Right comeome on now. that you with this Napali store in it's just dirt. It's been reallyirty. I'm so sorry.s like all had a lovely like cornetto in a cafe overlooking the bay and it's like fil. peopleople dying Wanking. I'm so suried I know go in What sorry this anecdote. Oh it ends well. Okay, good. So So we did Pompei, and we go, let's see the bastard. Let's see God's cst itself. We did the Mount Vesuvius So we caught a bus there. we met a really interesting a guy from Who was he from Belgium? and he was a a tank driverow. But he was not allowed to drive the tank anymore So something had happened. Something's happened. somethingomet was going on there. He goes, Yeah, said what do you do? I'm a tank driver, I'm not at the moment not really specialed. but ye And that he showed us some videos on his phone and I don't think that guy should be doing it potentially. He was doing jumps with his tag. He said cheheck this out. Oh no, that's not right. So I don't know so he was crazy. and Don't, he comes back. It's all f Belgium loo. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it will it will it will be very satisfying, hopefully fingers crossed eyes on the prizice So we walk around the rim of Vesuvius And it's fantastic. it's interesting. and we go to the gift shop so many things to buy. Ash L Do you know what I mean? Like these beautiful charcolean objects? Yeah the four things in dission perhaps one of It's one of Derek Jacoby's favorite favorites. Oh God. He's in a production of of Chuckoi and the at the Old Vic The The Taclean Minister It's called. It's fantastic. beautiful piece. Witten by Pinter. The So we did Harold Pinter, did you ever meet him? What? Would I ever be him? No, would you ever meet him? Did you ever meet him? No, I never met him no. I would just like to say names in if you met Mike Milligan No, no, no, but he lived down the road there He did, there's a plaque on the wall Oh How about that? Yeah. People are gonna to be able to figure out how to locate you now Oh yeah. It's al right I mean it's al. Yeah. And you love your fans. Yeah. So what were we saying? As long as I don't have, okay, sorry, I feel okay, Ohh gosh, you've lost them. You never had ' them. Okay, let's No no, no, I'm invested in Yeah ye. There's Chcool and things in the gift shop. Yeah. So I buy a egg made of charcoal It was one of the cheaper items. because yeah, you know, you can buy like a ship, you can buy Mariadonna's head made of charcoal. But I just got a little I just think. that's aw. Yeah. That'll be niceing to take back. beautiful souvenir I've got this egg and it's, you know, pretty beautiful thing to have. It's like an egg made from this eruption. Yeah Yeah. It sort of and I could feel it in my pocket and like I was always thinking about it They have like an effect, almost like the rings of power where like this effect on me. And it gave me quite a lot of confidence. So I didn't begin the holiday with a lot of confidence. You know, I was feeling a bit low, playued by demons. suddenly I've got this like Egg made of charcoal that is made from a volcano itself, an eruption. Suddenly I've got a bit of a swagger. Yeah my go. And you know, suddenly the people of Naple like check out this guy and my traveling companion, he's jealous. Yeah. He's like, o my go that egg, you've changed since you got that egg? I'm like, yeah, man, I'm like sort of a two point ner new version. I' got this beautiful e I'm showing people and they're blessing my egg You know, sort of children at cafes because the kids drink coffees. full on coffees. and I'm like, lookook at this and they're like, Ohh my God and their mothers, grandmothers are coming out. bless you, blessgg. A old grandma who hasn't left this attict. She's been mourning her husband. She comes out to look at this egg Hospal. thisgg I'm showing people getting photos as well. Wow, I'm not gonna to do the, you know, graty G. love for this egg. She is love love this egg this. People are like telling me to like rub my egg on their vespers like blessing their mouth. Oh wow. It's like causing kind a stir and but my traveling companion and he's like boasting. he's like, oh, I'm in Hellen Partridge, all this stuff. No one cares. No one gives a shit. They like my egg. Yes. Oh my god, I couldn't get enough of this thing We go to a pizza restaurant, A pizzeria. Pizzeria And There's photos on the So it's the cheapest slice you can get, but also the best That's a parox you often find. How much was it? A couple of euros? Yeah, yeah. It was cheap, but also it was the best. And there was photos on the w Wall of Jude Lw If it's good enough for Mr. Ripley. So yeah. ye beaut theul pizza. And that lady who when we left and we paid up And I said to the lady, Oh Check out this beautiful egg. And she just grabbed it and took it and she said, than you she took my egg, she thought it was a gift for her, but I was just sort of showing it to her Wow makeake that movies on channel four. please you don't have to watch it and I'm sorry if this if this if if that I'm sorry if Id I'm so sorry If I've done the wrong thing. No. I get nervous around stars. I'm a puddle. I'm sorry. No, no, that was great. That was really worth it S Oh the poor soul who has to edit this. Eedit' got in the bin This will never see the lie a day love They'll be recording over this love, donon't you worry, Sorry, No time for quick fire. What? This is quick fire. Okay, qu. Thank you for having me on my. Sorry if I'm not the ideal gu sorry. No, no, no, you've been great. Airport pine or airport panic U pass. I can't yeah, sorry pass it's not a it's not a quiz either. Oh u sorry Pen Pennek. I've lost three passports in the last year. I need so much help. Adrenaline junky, Adrenaline slanky don't make sense doesnt? Yeah, Oh yeah, we'll go swunky for that one. Yeah. Theyacho poll Mm that's got your in it Yes Beach your pool. They both have their certainly have their advantages. Oh, it is. okay. so I've got a shade and I can't say snooka. I'm gonna say beach ar or Al Cartraz, W you rather go on holiday with me or go to prison They did send me a message today. They said A car is going to pick you up. Yes. once a bit forward. My limo out with me not losing touch of reality. I'll get me private jet to pick you up. Oh yeah. What' do you other do? So U What's the question? I'll forget it. Mile high or I'm too shy I'll go on a holiday with you rather than go to the prison Alcatra. Yeah, that's good, good answer. What Mile high or I'm too shy. Have you ever joined the Mile High Club Oh, is that like having sex on a plane? Oh, what the hell? No way. Oh you're so brudish. No chance Free Range egg or charcoal. If I'm doing it on the land, I'm not doing it in the sky. Are you nuts? Free Range egg or charcoal. I did meet someone recently with the ring a promise ring and What was the question? Free range egg or charcoal egg? That's not o, that's that's U Chucko egg, off course. Oh yeah. And last but not least, tip 'em or fuckem. Do you tip well or do you go fuck I'm never gonna see him again. You know you go abroad and that's say haa. Has anyone ever said fuckem quite of view. Hey I'mot gonna say. Oh, sorry. I will Listen to the podcast. I do listen, I do listen, I do listen. Yeah ye. But I listen as I I watch I of nice thing, you don't even bother. I often drift off before the quQick fire round. Oh Wow because I'm just so happy and pleased that you know, I need toalm those thoughts. my thoughts are racing and suddenly I throw lis of each and that's Ray. There' trouble sleeping, I just think of that charcoal egg anecdote That'll be well off Oh my gosh. Thank you, Sam so much. If you'd like to go and collect your emotional baggage from the carousel, you've just flown Alan Air. Thankk you so much. Thank you so much, Alen. You already know this,. I just think you're a scream and you're the best.. Sorry to say that. Are you allowed to be like a tiny bit sincere at the end? Yeah, just a tiny bit. You just make me God de whatever, yeah. Thank you. Thank you for Thank you Sam. Thank you for flying Alan Air. Bks for having me on the flight Yumm me. We hope you enjoyed your flight. 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