Quick Fire Round and Outro

This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, likeike restoring a vintage motorcycle from a fifty page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online makes sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responssees set upp required compatibility and availability varies eighteen plus This episode is brought to you by State Farm You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over nineteen thousand local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs. So you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online at statefarm dot com like a good neighbor State Farm is there Introducing Taco Bell's new jalapeno citrus salsa with bright citrus, real red jalapenos, guajilo chiles. Usually, you add sauce to the food, but when the sauce is this good, the food is just there to get the sauce to your mouth That rolled casada, not a rolled casadia anymore Now it's a sauce shovel. Taco Bell'salifeno crus salsa. Get it with any item on the Cantina Chicken menu while it's here. The participating US. Tac Bell locations for a limited time only while supplies last contact store for availability Welcome to my travel podcast, Lights a Beach Every week I invite a special guest to take us on a journey together to their favourite holiday destinations and to reveal their top travel tips and tales passenger this week is hysterically funny. How do I know? Well I've spent the whole of Last one laaughing UK trying to keep it together. His brand new comedy mockumentary has been critically acclaimed. The Gardian even gave it five stars. But why not check it out for yourself? All six episodes have Make that movie ready to be strreinged out on channel four. Chicken O Bay It's Sam Cample. This is the final board, Call for Sam Campbell. This is the final board in C for Sam Cample. Can Sam Campbell please make his way to the game this is a fun boarded call for Sam Cap. Sam Capell, thank you. Please make your way for the game. Thank you. Look who we've got. Hell. let me finish I' Gambeo. I'm sorry. Apologies for being excited. Yes, he is excited. Apologies for being thrilled. This's the second time he's interrupted me. Don't vex me today becausecause it's hot It's two these things coming out. Done is too hot for fking about It's so warm, huh? I shouldn't be been doing a podcast. Surely we've got rights Yeah thirty five degrees and we're doing a podcast. I am so sweaty Look at my massive glasses. I don't know why look they're steamed up. Are they steamed up? Are? lookook at your glasses. What do you think about these? They look like. Yay. I found them on the road. No shit. No they're like, you lookt like John Lennon, Do you see that as a compliment? Oh, yeah abbsolutely. Yes. Yeah, ye. John Lennon and He was a very fascinating person Yes, he was. Yes. He' li likeed to do flips, didn't he? He'd be like I loved you, mother, mother, you didn't love me. you know what I mean? He did a lot of flips and things. Yes. Yeah. Well you aren't about He have, you know? lot of like, do you know what I'm talking about here? He has a song. He's lyrically. Lyrical flips. And he's got that amazing lyric as well. Life happens when you're doing other things. Oh prettytty much everything that the guy said could be used as a quote on a card O teetail or teetail? Yeah. Even I think Yoko had a few good ones as well. I think she said Something about digging a hole in the ocean., that's dang. If you think about it you like thatossible So yeah, she had a few good ones as well. Yeah Has she been on this? No, but you see her? You see that you see that glass box up there I was I got his ashes. Yes, Yoko said you have them, Man I've got no use forem Why would Joo give me a That is key to an unfaded memory I was doing a I was doing an was it the Royal Academy of Art? I was hosting it. and then someone took me to one side and said, Alan when you're judging it, when you're hosting it, Bid for bid for one of the lots. it's sort of frowned on if you don't I'm sitting there go, key to an unfaded memory.s a it's a glass box in it with a key in it So when yeah, do I hear five thousand pounds Yeah, so when five thousand. Do I have six Six Five fiveive thousand pounds to me. Oh, you sold it to yourself No, that was the auctioneer I got I didn't explain that very well. No I was I'm slow. I'm like deented. I am not. my goodness. I was That's a dog, by the way, for you, listen. There's a dog sneezing here. Yeah.es. We didn't know the dog's good. You thought I was in a bidding war with myself I didn't understand what was going on. back of that and I sat next to her to slow down. So the Royal Academy of Art. Yeah. invited you to host us it was for a charity thing. blah blah, blah o And then I did it and then five Itity starts at home. I know, five thousand pounds And then I sat next to a thing, I said But that is nothing to you. You blow your nose with five thousand pounds You've got just purchased a castle with a moat made of Lamborini You liar, It's not got a moat. Has it got the trebouchet Can I please visit your castle and go up on the turrets You can come up my turret b toat Oh's sorry No but let me finish my anecdote. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. And then I sat next to a thing. I went, Oh, hello, Yoko Oo. I said, I had the pleasure of buying your key to an unfaded memory. She' never heard of it Oh really? Yeah You think she's got a team? Oh what Who makes plastic boxes? oazing? A lot of big artists have their own teams that are doing all the artworks. They get in trouble find now. I know Well I Google. You've got to tell him I've met. Alan's angels, he calls them There's about forty women. Yeah Yeah. This is like a well oed machine. All wearing gloves they saw that they go over here, please Alan doesn't like it if you. Yeah, yeah. That's right, isn't it? There's like a long list of things not to mention Alan like do not measure it massive glasses or sweatiness I know it's so hot. listen, we're working we're providing entertainment for people even though we're sweating. Yeah, I like It's kind of like being doing a bickrom yoga. I feel good. Yeahoga, ye, yeah. Maybe I might do some revelation revelation. Yeah. do some revelation. God, tell us something reveals the wor the. So do you need those glasses just for you to look cool or do they have you're like a pretty I mean this is a big show. You're one of the big top guys. I know. I cannot turn on the box without seeing you. Yeah, you say that like it's a bad No, it's exciting. I get angry. I to come to my castle or not. If I toim across the Lambrini. If I see turn on the TV and I see another presenter, I spit, I would get really upset. Iing up my age. Why has Allison Hammond got that job? When I won twenty seven programs she interviewed you and laughone laughy when you did that No, no, I didn't She did I did not us. See, this is you have a charmed life. I there's a people that get interviewed by her And I it was not allowed to You were not allowed to I did like hammer. I did an interview with like the Metro magazine or something. they're like, press stuff, they said, we're saving that for our big stars. No way. You know, I didn't have a dressing room. I was just in the hallway just walking around floating I in Al Allen' dressing room briefly, there was a big bathtub. I said, What what is that? They said, Oh, that's Allen'shtr L said, get out whoever you are. Get out What' it doing here you peasants? I've long admire I'm your biggest chadder. I threw that Yoko Ou block at his head. Get out! even though it's an antique Take care of it breaks. five thousand pounds is nothing to me. A Okay The boy plays you in your young show. Yes, changing ends. I was convinced that you had like dubbed him. He is so good. He' so good. Is he the best actor yet? I think he is. I mean two B denominations and he's won Royal Television Society But he came into his own in the last series because his voice was breaking And then so he got that crackle. Hella Just right, you know, and on set. You wouldn't know if it was me or him like, I'm right Im going to the toilet and then it would be him. The word uncanny springs to mind. Yes, yes, yes. because it sometimes I felt I was being dubbed because I wasn't saying anything Well he was let's have a sandwich and I'm like, I didn't say that We is fantastic. You know what? haveave you thought about this You've done the young version of Alen. Would do you ever to old Alen, a TV show about you in the future? Oh my go, that'd be great. It would play me Orister for Biggins. Biggins fan. Yeah, yeah. Have you watched Coach Trip Oh My Brendon Yeah that's I've seen a bit of coach quite the chunky man with the glasses and the receding ha I think Brendon should play me from coach. I would have Derek Jacoby Derek Jacoby. How do you say that? Jacoby? Dererk Jacoby. He's the Jacobian actor. Yes, itet's Derek Jacobe. Jacobell respected. He is. Jacobbe. Oh peopleeople say things differently. Yes, you do Who would play a younger you? A young version of me? Who would play a young version of him Ooh, okay Who would you get? Callum Turner How Lordy's got to be the mix. Jacob Jacob Audi. You know I've met Jacob Aordi E I call him A Soire. I call him E Lordi. Eordi like Jacobee. He's got a bright future there guy, bet and you know I met him. Yeah Do You know we play you at older you and don't be offended by this Subo Hiss it b Susan Boyle, you got the same. You got that big air You know quite big round the side like she is What look at now? I've got no problems with her. She's a goddess. She's an icon. Have you met her? Yes She's very nice. She went, Hello, Allan. Yeah. that's the anecdy. It's not as good as the Yoko Oo one. Do you think she would sing in the biopic I think she' sing the theme tune. Sam. Sam the man. She walks at everyone's like, Oh my Godd, what the hell? And then she starts that voice at everyone's like. I can't believe it. That was peak BGT for me. That was amazing. That was where I stopped judging books by their cover and started to inspect their contents Good for you. I look at the index and all that pro Pro laps prol you bring out the worst in me Are you trying to fucking catch me out and last one last? I can't believe you're pointing at me like sorry. No L Is An all rude in this culture? In this culture. He's pointing at me. he was clicking at me before. W time just a hard. It wasen. Lists sorry. No You tried to catch me out and laugh one laugh with that little man in the cubp. you remember the? the little man you kept popping up in the cubp They cut that little man, completely, I think. didid they? I had this little man that I brought in, a stretching man. He popped it everywhere. It was C Anguin And he was really nice. He was stretchy. He was He was he would put it just everywhere and then he'd put it in the carp and Id think down and I'd see this little man. If a guy can interrpt, I think he's Japanese. But yes, yeah. He got caught completely They're idiots for doing that. It was so funny, you nely caught me out. And I' probably definitely shouldn't say this, but you know what I heard they had doppelgangers of every person on the show waiting, you know, they did. D? Because you know I was out? wasas it first? Was I first or second You did not last long. No, I didn't last long And so they were in there. Now you and David were going on and on for My sweating I am sweating. I'm sweating. no, no, no, it's p past past. tos him down Soellicit It's not that bad, is it? It looks cool. takeake a look look a piece of shit. Yeah I can feel my glasses sliding off my face where it's so sweaty and they're now resting on my nipple your pepperiola . So I wasitt I was sitting there with Jimmy and Roshane And they were talk. I mean, I've got pubes. They're just really thin They were there they were whispers. Nothing to Whispers. Nothing to write home of whiskers, you mean? Whispers. Not whispers. That's the chocolate bar Whisper Got a couple of whispers in my knickers Anyway, so What's gonna say? Yes, you and David Mitchell were going on and on. And I know people think, you know, it's produced or not, but we were there till nearly midnight were? None of you was cracking was so And then they were saying, how can we do it? Then they let the intimacy coaches come on, But they were like, we've got doppel gangers and Jimm was going, Should we bring out the Dppel gangers? Every one of us had a doppel ganger on hold to just come in. So I wonder what yours would have looked like. And I wonder what mine would have looked like Yeah, we never know they didn't send them in. No. And they would don't like us,ough wouldn't they that' say. That's the nature of a gopagan in. You probably do have impersonators O websites so that people can hire out, I don't think so. Can we get the real thing? Yeah, I reckon you would. really? Yeahah Okay, You're a superstar, baby s comeon, tellell us about Jacob Billaudi This is hopefully a winning anecdote I was at do you know age twenty four The road. They're like they make cool movies. Oh work It's a production company. So' showing me A.'ve got a lovely service A twenty four. Yeah. they make like trendy movies like kind of like where the aspect ratio keeps changing Yeah And they'll have like, you know, the big stars of the moment. Ohkay yeah. But I didn't know what they were what I didn't really you know, I was kind of a simple minded country boy It was such thin wrists. But I went to America and they as the people I was hanging out with, they were like, we're going to this party. I didn't know A twenty four. I was so foolish So I didn' and then sudenly there were stars d and hill is there. some of the biggest stars I've ever seen in my life. Did you go and say hello to him? I was too nervous. so. I was too nervous. I' have gone over. A curious? Someone like me talking to someone? Jacob Alordi. Well, that's the thing. he wasn't famous yet This is suppos This is years ago So I find you know, a sweet natured boy from Brizzy Yeah and we're chatting. I'm like finally, you know, there's all these stars around Im of this guy and his team, he's got a team. They like could not stand. They were like, Ohh my God, Jacob is talking to them know, they're like, who is this guy? This guy isn't veted, We don't know who this guy. They descended upon us. It was like Romeo and Juliet. And I was like, Jacob. He was like, My, let me get your number. We should hang it. And they're like taking him awayike, No, Jacob, we have to do you have to do karaoke. goes tot's anything about karaoke. They theyre like, come on Jacob, away, away I was I considered almost a bad boy, a bad influence on Jacob And he was like, let's he goes, let me get your number. I never got a chance. Oh no. We could have, I don't know what we could have done. Maybe present yogurt together. Oh my go, that's that's so sadn' it. 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Be Quakers coming in hot with morning nutrition. one hundred percent whole grain oats and a good source of fiber to fuel the rhythm of your morning and kickst your day. And that sounds absolutely delicious. Fuel to start whatever's next. Quaker, official sponsor of FIFA World Cup twenty six. But I get it, if I saw my prize bull talking to someone like me, I would yeah, yeah, yeah I' yank them away. Oh Godd,. you bloody b. Have you had that like bad influences in your life and things like that? How long have you got love? How long have you got? Honestly, I've had so many wrongins in my life Just cockroaches rul cockroaches. a bowl of cherry Yeah Don't they say one cockroach can ruin a whole bowl of cherries? No, no, that's one shit in the swimming pool There was a fight at the swimming pool in Nar mine The whole pool was closed the next day. What were they fighting over? It was a woman, apparently, fighting over a woman she must have been sexy U Now apparently she'd written a really beautiful essay they both admired. But the whole pool was clos the next day they we don't want fighting, no fighting Yeah Stop fighting Listen we got to That's my message to Israel Yeah. Yeah. ye, stop fighting. Yeahah And what were you saying? Make that movie. Oh my Godd, it's so funny. What Don't make out you don't know the thing that you're on a plugging. But you've watched it? Yes Can I quizz you onor? Yeah, goo on then. Because the man who works in the printhop has those same glasses. You got?. Who was the gaffer Gaff He hasn't seen it. You would tell don't tell me something other. Okay, I'll tell you. Okaykay. Okay, okay, this is the final minute of episode one A woman from the Midlands up turns up, she's doing, she wants to do a film about a tiny butler Who's the small as a cup? It's the most ridiculous thing I've heard in my life. That's her mate. I can't believe Oh you watch it. It was so funny and so weird and so surreal. Oh I thank you know that meant so much to me 's about fuck That's not What can I do No, I mean, you've done so much for so many of us. I was in my castle. Yeah. I was in my c. When did you move in Um o next week, hopefully He Cting gloed.ave you ever bought a castle? Oh Wow Let's do some relatable chat You gott to go in a syndic to bu a box a cornfags' call, you're really on your own. No yeah, you're really on your own. I'm on struggle straight. You're serious struggle straight. Yeah to buy those glasses on Klowna, is that right? I mean, you must have b you finding eyewear in the street and having to wear them even though it's not your prescription. What will you wear in the castle? it be like Like are you gonna go like actually as if you're living in that area? a crown? And no like iPads or anything. no technolog you'll have to dress up as an old person. Wow. Yeah. Wait, so are you gonna do like an opening what would you call it a banquet or like a fair? Yeah, yeah, we'll have like an old like do you want to come and stay? Are you doing Edinburgh this year fringe I bet you're not too busy are you? No, I might show up for a couple of days. You come to stay at my castle, I would love that. Yeah I would love that. That's incredible. Yeah. Oh in the dungeons. It's a got dungeons? No, it's not got dungeons. it's got bedrooms, it's got a lovely ballroom,s got a library Oh my Godd. and has it been like bloodshed? and what is the history of it? No, it's Victorian. it's not like an old, not like Transylvania castle. All right that It's just like a castle Ls a nice carle. Has it got a foll Yes, there's one in the garden. I love fory. it's got a formal garden Follies Look at everything And it's official Y your life's a fairy tale. know And mine sucks Come on, we'll have losers at the castle Oh, what have I got questions? What's this fcass about travel And we haven't even said anything yet. You've just been I haven't even mentioned a place name. Oh gosh. Yeah. Well, listen, let's talk about make that movie. I've written my parents have been to Turkey, but I haven't. I don't care. Well you should see them now No have they teh They got everything done. Really wow.. they had actually because they're so much in love, they swapped one eye each. So my dad has one of my mother's eyes and my mother has one of his eyes. Oh my Godd, that is so beautiful so beautiful.ow. so lovely. coming Oh my God, that's really nice. That's really Youave you seen Terry and on, they' they greatay. Well the operation just couldn't have gone better. Oh Listen, make that movie. Now I've proven to you that I was Yeah, yeah Did it come about? Sorry for being a doubting Thomas there. I just can't forad peopleople say you can't read. You haven't read my b. No But it's not that. You're like Alan is too busy, you know, he's sort of you're the one spreading that rumor. You're on every channel. everyvery time I turn the teley on, you're on. You you've got an army because I aspire to be like you and I wantan to be at mogul and I wantan to be on the front. I'm not a moul. s I want to have what products have I got L last time we went to the supermarket, there was an entire aisle dedicated to your products Allan's biscuits. Allan's wine, Alen Joiler, Allan sanetery towels Did this make that movie? D it come about through last one laughing? Because it's the the head of comomed at Channel four has been champion you Um Yeah. ye, she said I could make a Steve is shirt. Yeah, but it's hard to get things commissioned. so she must have faith in you. I know some things about her in her past. Yes Yeah. I'm sorry. I may have douabbled in a bit of blackmail. No, no, it took ages. L it was like three years ago we filmed a pilot and I thought, Oh nothing's gonna to happen with that. And then they said you want to make more. and then I made more at the end of last year. Okay, amazing Yeah ye But wriding was tough. Yeah. Did you find the riding the tough process And then you got yours is a bit I think it's about twenty three minutes long, Is it without the adverts, obviously and stuff. And I think with mine on ITV is saying to write something for twenty two minutes is harder than writing something for an hour because you've got b basash b, you get those jokes. You've gott to compress it. Yeah. And I think we've made that movie, you get a really fuddy tug in cheek movie don't you? but then you get the making of it as well. You do you get the best of boths really. And I think those actors who act like bad actors, that is such a skill ist it the way they deliver the lines. Yeah, she's amazing. lady called herer name's Kath She's fantastic Check out Kf, if you get the chance. And the film is about a man and a woman and they can't they have to become snakes, but they can't be snakes at the same time. One has to be a snake and then the other has to be a snake. And The CGI is good Thanks, Ellen because when I heard the beginning of the plot, I was like Okay, let's see this snake not at the end crap. Yeah, but deliberately crap Oh, that wasn't that that was practical effects, the actual snake that was on his chin and stuff like that. Yeah Let's cut this bit. Who cares? No one's going to watch this. I mean they can if they won' Okay. Lets let's talk about Oh no I will do a plug if you need to watch' on e four. No, no channel for. Channel for, don't feel you have to watch it, but if you have a spare moment And you've done all of your admin. watch this show. It's really, really good. It's really funny. it's surreal, It's madcaab. I was going to ask you, it's like it it's I hate that word alternative because what doess that even mean? because not everyone has the same sense of humor, but it's nice and refreshing because we've sort of Sitcoms have sort of been a bit andn't they U what's the word They've been great, but this one is off the wall, isn't it? It's off the charts a bit. if you've got a surreal sense of humour, then you're gonna to love this. Yeah, if you're kind of messed up and you haven't been sleeping well, What if you're considered the black sheep of your family. If you have undergone medical experiments and signed up for like what of those You know these people are like You you've experienced trauma It's great If you've been dumped on the head So listen, you grow up, Is this true Atheron Tableland It sounds like a furniture shop on an industrial estate I did I did graph find the table ends Yeah. Yeah is it table land? Yeah, the table land. Have you been to Australia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where did you go? I performed in Sydney. Oh yes. Melbourne. Who was I talking to Aelaid? Canberra? Did you? Yeah went everywhere. You did.. You're back into it, Are you gripping the mic? throwing down, yeah, yeah yeah. I'm going on tour in January and I'm testing out. And you're whipping up new stuff. Yeah, it was tough, isn't it? Oh my goodness. Yeah, that's exciting. I know it's exciting to come you come up with a new joke and stuff. Yeah. So tell us Oh, sorry Tell us about Affton Tableands Is it worth me going for a trip? Because when I looked on Wikipedia, you were the only notable resident. Oh I didn't know that. Yeah, you're the only one on there. Oh wow.'s kind of You're pigging me up, You need to pig yourself up. You're the only notable resident in Asfftheron. Hello! Suddenly I feel yeah, my ego is swelling. I feel good Maybe That's good. It's quite rural, isn't it? Very rural. Yes. I've been described as a regional trinket U So it's a beautiful lake there, Lake Echam, which I used to go to a lot when I was growing. Is that like a hidden gem? Is that's beautiful. It's amazing. I think there's like a lot of Animals only live in that lake. Like there's this rainbow fish that only lives in there Yeah incredible. there was rumorss there was a crocodile there. I don't think they were true Yeah Jom Beautiful little pontoon. People used to jump off the tree there and break their arms all the time. Oh, great. A lovely story. Yeah. And Lake Teneroo. So my dad used to catch whit tail rats. These are huge rats. Oh my God.. Almost as big as your dogs Wh through They're big they' huge. look How big as that dog Yeah, withith a tile? Yeah, I water tile rats They're huge. Oh God, they can they eat people They would they can eat like u If I died, they'd eat me. They would def they wouldn't kill me Has anyone been eaten by a rat in Affton Tablelands I think o no, this's not no,' one of your family b. No, no, no, don't Don't ruck about. My first wife. No, no, no, the No, I don't think they eat. I just don't want to that. I'm sweating enough as it is. doesn't mean making out someone's been eaten by rats. made me hang there. Oh God, I feel like a rat arsle No, no, I don't think anyone's been because you'd be surprised like I think pigs can eat people Yeah and they they feed it people I mean, there's famous like these mass murdereers. They feed them to the pigs. Yeah. it's sort of the last thing you'd think. But as I had two pigs on my farm, I'd have farm once. And it's funny they were all' suspicious Yes No, I never murdered anyone. as if I'm gonna mention this on the podcast. I'll tell you. That's what they do. That's what they do. It's all in plainart. But when I was feeding the pigs They were trying to pull me down from the top of my wellies We know the hook at the end So I thought if I If I'd fallen over, they would have eaten me Goodn't? I know. So you've had two pigs What happened to the two pigs got I lost him in the divorce Oh stomach get in my stomach. Yeah, I lost two pigs. ye. they were so lovely, but I felt I can't trust them If I was pissed and I went in there and fell over, I think they'd eat you.. So you didn't get one of the pigs because you didn't want to split them up. Yeah, I got both pigs.. Those two pigs. Yeah. Ir didn't know you a divorce deivor? Yeah deivor Mm, That's exciting I feel like that's changed how you think about me. Are you quite prim and property? Do you think it's a bit off to be divorcedid? imagine that if I walked out I'll got a divorce a No but some people are like that. Some people go, Oh, he's divorced, I don't like that That affs my values. You better not be a Protestant. I care about it. I don't know. It's exciting. It just adds another element to you. I know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah ye. You got so many elements. Thank you. remind me a bit of the well, the periodic table Let's move on with travel. Yep. Tell me your holiday disaster Sorry about that cough. I was written in America. That was horrible. No no what happened I just found it really tough. So I thought I was going to die in an illegal Uber The guy I couldn't pay for it because he didn't have Apple pay. and then I was like having to message people That sounds like a scam. It was mad, yeah. And he kept saying he goes, I'm a nice boy. He was yeah, and I was like, who Yeah Yeah. and he was going really fast. people were beeping at him That was really scary and I also went to a diner and I got pancakes. Oh yeah. nice The guy says do you wear anything on top And I go, what do you got? He goes, Oh, we got berries He goes, Yummy Yummies Yummy. was what you say to that one? I don't know what you do. Yummy. M It was I don't know. Yeah ye.ic they do add they do say their own thing didn't like if you buy a pair of trousers or a song Well Th those are nice slacks. They ye they infantilize, they just Yeah, It was quite mad over there. was it? Yummy? Yummy. It' the pancaes. Yummy? I left. I stormed it, No, no, they were good. they were good of. It was huge. You found out he was divorced. but they were it was massive. I couldn't barely see like, you know, they went to the horizon. It was the biggest staircase I've ever sort of had. Bea you're a vegetarian, have you is that true? I'm now Pescyatarian. I'm going to go back to vegetarian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. So have you ever been anywhere in the world where you haven't you've had to eat meat? O you always resisted Because sometimes my friend went to what's it called Tunisi and she was a vegetarian and they gave a goat. They just said we just do not do that. And they said we don't. and then they just scraped the goat off and then she just had two little bits. had to de liate that. I haven't been confronted with that No. Yeah, I think there's so many good options. Yeah, yeah yeah. Now is the greatest time to be peopleople are replacing things. Yeah, yeah, good ye. And people are not as interested in animals They were interested in animal kindness towards animals. Yeah, that's not. That has affected the circus, badly And that's a bad thing They don't have elephants there. I don't know what the circus is anymore. L I think it used to be elephants and apes. And now it's like I think Yeah I mean, it's still cool and I'm into it, but I think it's g the monkeys now they've got rights and they can't smoke and does spoil my Yeah does spoil my enjoyment when you see I don't see lions and tigers in a really small pen There's got to be a way of finding out if there's ones who want to do it Because I don't know what the circus is. I honestly think it's guys with this swirling mache in G strings. like it it's now it's like a bit of a launch fest. Yeah, it's too launchy. You are prudish that. Maybe I you are Mbe I am. M count you're not. Don't make out, I'm not. I'm a well known brute. Yeah, I'd like to open up. ye. I might go to a retreat or something. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I bet you'd never go to a new discamp Yummy. The ndest ye. Yummy Yummy Yummy! Oh God. C only I've got a new discount, but look at the one. Yummy Oh, I'm not allowed back to that beach. Oh why not? A mom Um, yeah, have you Heat up your fourourth of July at the Home Depot with our wide variety of grills under three hundred dollars and make every gathering one to remember. Give your outdoor space a glow up. Whatever your budget is, with savings on seasonal plants starting at dollars. 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Like Dan and Hannah who always waade up to make sure their daughter gets back to her college dorm room Or Tiffany who's running late as usual, and her friends are tracking her trip to make sure she's actually on her way. Look, she's right there. She's three minutes away. Or Sam who never goes anywhere without her roommate knowing exactly where she is some journeys are meant to be shared. Share your ride in real time with shhare My trip on Uber. One more way Uber is putting safety at every turn. Learn more on the Uber app. I'm interested in U colonies and things like that. Yeah. Yeah. The only thing you're missing pockets Yes, yes. So maybe they've got like your glasses. Yeah, mayaybe they've got like strings. I don't know what they're up to. Yeah a G string, put it know it'sutish. You can't even wear a G. A a G banger But yeah, mayaybe I need to be less prudish. But maybe not, I don't know. Maybe ever maybe people need to meet me and become less whatever they're up to Groty s see We're about to start our descent Oh, I've got a story that order to tell. Oh get your piece of paper out. Doid a lot of people come with a piece of paper? No, just you sritten passport. I don't know what that could mean Yeah you know I lost my passport in a be years. You know with' vses. Yes You know, when they come and stay Have you ever done that stereotypical thing where you've been on the setter for ages and they can't get rid of you Be that is a bit it might be an outdated stereotype, but I remember having two ozusses, we could not Yeah. Was you ever one of those? got out and you turn up I don't think so. I think wonder if I've lived in some strange places here, like really odd Areas. What did you first think of London when you came here I was u oh my go, I was blown away. I couldn't believe it. It's just so it's so big and like every it's like Every time you turn a corner, it's like a whole different world Yeah, it's quite amazing one. Yeah ye. I rep London. I think it's really good. Good, good. But I was living the first place I lived I u K, what was he doing U he opened the fridge and there was like one of the shelves. he goes, Oh, that's for you. and' like o Oh ye I'll put all my stuff. He goes, no, that's that's where you'll be stay. Let's move on Like a mole. So like a mole. Yeah, yeah We'res about to start at des cens so we got time for the quick fight. Do I have time to tell my story? Oh yes, sorry, I keep forgetting. I hope it's good Oh I'm sure it will be. It's about The eyes have been great I need to get better with my anecdote. No don't you go changing Really? Oh no. I wantna try Yummy I went to Napali. Should we dive into that? Yeah, let's do it. I wentt you like Napoli? I went with a friend of mine who's a grump This guy's from the Grump administration. The Grump Oh yeah, he's been on here. ye yeah, okay ye I can tell. The state on the set says tells me everything. Listen, I went to Napaloli with this guy. And u Well you know, we're having a bit of fun, first to see a mural of Maradonna. a lot of like a really good time. But then we did a tour of Pompei Oh, I've been there. inccredible. Guess what my dad said Buing sites. we Well, you know that's the guy who's frozen and he's ways he's f he's sort of We're not frozen. burnnt alive to us thin. But you know, there's the guy who's do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah like that No that guy, the guy who's sort of u he was Be intimate with. you know what I mean? He was someone who was wanking. Yeah. That's why we went. We wanted to finish him off. You tried to do what the volcano couldn't. Yeah. Oh my go It was another kind of ruption. I wish I didn't say that. I don't Is that the story? No, there's more There's more. That's just a little a bdy detour. Bordy. okay. because they have the penises, don't they on the on the street names see pointing in the way laful That's why the volcano hit because they were doing so much sin A Thats what you're so brudish again. No no, I'm not saying You think they deserve that because they lived in sin. Oh God. You up spepeakers called now. I've got another thing. I've got no problem with people making love and being intimate, but when suddenly harnesses are involved and then suddenly it's fifty people, it's two and they're all like running together going O and they're humping and they're sliming and they're all sliming. Well, I don't know, this Gucciing has been happening There are rirde things happening And you think they deserve? No, I don't think they deserved it What if I had my way, it would have gone it would have been the lava would have gone near just as they're like, hey guys, calm down, touching yourself. Cal on. Yeah, yeah. But I do not the lava is right, we're going back up now. Yeah, the fact they got incinerated yeah ye. Lava reversing. That's That's My problem with the Old Testament God is more warnings l'ess just like striking and attacks Just like, come on Take it easy, takeake it easy, take it easy. So this man that was touching himself, how much can you see You can say it all It's have you you been to Pompei? Yes.'s aable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just for the listener I would have You'ing a wank when it You know, if a volcano's erupted You just get out, you don't sult I'm horny I'm going have a wank. You don't say that. I wouldn't do do it. No. No. We're against it anyway. It's disgusting maturbation. I'd do it just not with my hands Right, come on now. that you you of this Napali store and it's just dirt. It's been reallyiry. I'm so sorry Its m like all had a lovely light cornetto in a cafe overlooking the bay and it's like fil peopleeople dying Wanking. I'm so surped. I don know't It go. sor This quest this anecdote. Oh. it ends well. Okay, good. So so we did Pompe, and then we go, let's see the bastard. Let's see God's c itself. We did it the Mount Vesuvius So we caught a bus there, we met a really interesting a guy from Who was he from Belgium? and he was a tank driver But he was not allowed to drive the tank anymore So something had happened. Something's happened. somethingomet was going on there. He goes, Yeah, what do you? I'm a tank driver, who I'm not at the moment not really supposed. ye And that he showed us some videos on his phone and I don't think that guy should be doing it potentially. He was doing jumps with his tank. He said cheheck this out. Oh no, that's not right. So I don't know, so he was crazy. and D't way, he comes back. It's all f Belgi Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it will it will it will be very satisfying, hopefully things has crossed eyes on the prize So we walk around the rim of Vesuvius And it's fantastic, it's interesting. and we go to gift shop There so many things to buy that are made of Ash Like Do you know what I mean? L these beautiful, Chcolean objects. Chco. Beautiful Beautiful things in discosion. perhaps of one of's one of Derek Jacoby's forite favorites. Oh God He's in a production of of Chuckol and at the at the at the old Vic The Toolleon Mistuff's called It's a fantastic beautiful piece Written by Pinter. The So we did Harold Pinter, did you ever meet him What? Would ever be him? No, would you ever meet him? Did you ever meet him? No, I never met him no. I would just like to say names in if you met Sparkike Milligan No, no, no, but he lived down the road there He did there's a plaque on the wall Oh How about that? Yeah. People are gonna to be able to figure out how to locate you now Yeah. It's al right. I mean,, it's a lot. Yeah ye. And you love your fans. Yeah. So what were we saying? As long as I don't have, okay, I'm sorry, I feel o Oh gosh, you've lost them. You never had them. Okay, let's No no, no I'm invested in Yeah ye ye. There's charcool and things in the gift shop. Yeah. So I buy a egg made of charcoal It was one of the cheaper items because, you know, you can buy like a ship, you can buy Mariona's head made of charcoal But I just got a little I just an. that's aw. Yeah. That'll be niceing to take back. beautiful souvenir I've got this egg and it's, you know, pretty It Beautiful thing to have. It's like an egg made from this eruption. Yeah. Yeah. sort of and I could feel it in my pocket and like I was always thinking about it They have like an effect almost like the rings of power, like this effect on me. and it gave me quite a lot of confidence So I didn't begin the holiday with a lot of confidence. you know, I was feeling a bit low, plagued by demons. Sddenly I've got this like, egg made of charcoal that is made from a volcano itself, an eruption. Suddenly I've got bit of a swagger. Yeah. my go. and you know, suddenly the people in Natleally like cheheck out this guy and my traveling companion, he's jealous. Yeah. He's like, o my go that egg. you've changed since you got that egg? I'm like, Yeahah man, I'm like sort of a two point nineo new version. I got this beautiful I'm showing people and they're blessing my egg You know, sort of children at cafes because the kids drink coffees. full on coffees. And I'm like, look at this and they're like, Oh my God and their mothers, grandmothers are coming out. Bess you, bless egg. A old gndma who hasn't left this attict. She's been mourning her husband. She comes out to look at this egg hospital. this egg. I'm showing people getting fish as well. Well, I'm not going to do that, you know, Graty L love for this egg She is No but' the. People like telling me to like rub my egg on their vespers like bless in their mouth. Oh wow. It's like causing kind of stir And but my traveling companion and he's like boasting. He's like, oh, I'm in Hellen Partridge, all this stuff. No one cares. No one gives a shit. They like my egg. Yes. Oh my god, I couldn't get enough of this thing We go to a pizza restaurant. a pizzeria. Pizzeria to home There's photos on the So it's the cheapest slice you can get, but also the best That's a paro you often find. How much was it? A A couple of euros? Yeah, yeah. It was cheap, but also it was the best. And there was photos in the w Wall of Jude Lw If it's good enough for Mr. Ripley. So yeah, ye. youut theul pizza. And that lady who when we left we paid up and I said to the lady, o Check out this beautiful egg And she just grabbed it and took it and she said thank you. she took my eggs, she thought it was a gift for her, but I was just sort of showing it to her. Wow makeake that movies on channel four. please you don't have to watch it and I'm sorry if this if this if if that I'm sorry if Id I'm so sorry If I've done the wrong thing. No. I get nervous around I'm a puddle. I'm sorry. No, no, that was great. That was really worth it Sit The poor soul who has to edit this. Edit's got in the bed This will never see the lie a day love They'll be recording over this, love, donon't you worry? You're out of time. It' I right? This is your Captain spepeaking. We are on our final approach to our destination. Cabin crew get ready for landing, cabin crew, get ready for landing This is quick f. Okay great. Thank you for having me on by the way. sorry I'm not the ideal guar. sorry. No, no, no, you've been great. Airport pine or airport panic? Oh pass. I can't yeah, sorry. pass's nots not a quiz either or. Oh sorry panic panic. I've lost three passports in the last year. I need so much help Adrenaline junky? Arenaline slunky We'll go slunky for that one ye. Beito Ple Mm that's gotot, you' in it Y is Beach or pool. Oh they both have their certainly have their advantages. fire. Oh, it is. o, so I've got a sht. And I can't say snook car. I'm gonna say beach. Alcar or Alcar Traz. Would you rather go on holiday with me or go to prison? They did send me a message today. They said, A car is going to pick you up. Yeah That's a bit forward. My limo out. me not losing touch of reality. Gll get me private jet to pick you up. What's the question? I'll forget it. Mal H or I'm too shy. I'll go on a holiday with you rather than go to the prison alcatra. Yeah, that's good, goodood answer. What Mal high or I'm too shy. Have you ever joined the Mal High Club? Oh is that like having sex in a plane? Oh, what the hell? No way. Oh you're so brudish. chance Free Range egg or charcoal egg. If I'm not doing it on the land, I'm not doing it in the sky. Are you nuts? Free Range egg or charcoal e. I did meet someone recently with the ring a promise ring What was the question? Free range egg or charcoal egg? That's not oh, that's that's U Chocolo egg off course. Oh yeah. And last but not least, tip 'em or fuck 'em What Do you tip well or do you go fuck I'm never gonna see him again. You you go abroad and like's say ha haa. Has anyone ever said fuck 'em? ite a few I're not gonna say? Oh, sorry. I will Listen to the podcast. I do listen, I do listen, I do listen. Yeah yeah. But I listen as I I watch sure I O nice thing you don't even bother. I often drift off before the quick fire round. Because I'm just so happy and pleased. Okay with that's you know, I need to calm those thoughts when my thoughts are racing and suddenly I throw in lis of beach and that's that R. If I have trouble sleeping, I'll just think of that charcoal egg anecdote. I I'll be well off. Oh my gosh. Thank you, Sam so much. If you'd like to go and collect your emotional baggage from the carousel, you've just flown Alan Air. thank you so much. Thank you so much, Alen. You already know this. I just think you're a scream and you're the best. Sorry to say that. Are you allowed to be like a tiny business here at the end? Yeah, just a tiny bit. You just make me go. whatever, ye. Thank you. Thank you for you Sam. Thank you for flying Alan. Thankks for having me on the Thank you for flying Alan K. You Sam. I love you so much. That was absolutely brilliant. Make that movie is out now and you can stream all six episodes on channel four. Thanks so much for listening guys. Don't you forget L