Finding Love and Reflecting on Growth

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But hey, it's also my birthday month in July, so I can also be gay then I could be gay my whole life Um, But yeah, I feel like Even some beyond the blinds listeners are like, oh, she's bisexual because I talk about men so much But the truth is, I think men are good looking. It just doesn't work sexually for me. I've tried. I tried for years. You guys know, I talked about it on this podcast. I really, really did try to like Hide who I am, basically. So let's go back back to the beginning. I would say I started realizing I had crushes on girls when I saw Rachel Lee Cook Rachel Lee Cook was really important to me, especially as Josie and Josie and the pussy cats. I also had a mom who said like girl crush. she would always be like, Ohh, I have a girl crush on Shinaya Twain, Valerie Berttonnelli. like thoseose are the two girls she had a girl crush on. And I was like, oh, well, Rachel Lee Cook's a celebrity. I'm supposed to think celebrities are beautiful. So of course, I have a girl crush. And I think girl crush became such a big part of my vocabulary that I didn't realize it was just a crush Like I just had a crush on Rachel Lee Cook. I just had a crush on Mandy Moore in the music video, Candy. And I really do look back at me being twenty six, really knowing that I liked women, but really still trying to like men. And you should see some of the men that I would say I had crushes on. They were just like guys that I was like, o, maybe that one will work Maybe people will believe that one. That one makes me laugh a little bit, so maybe I'll be able to figure it out and, you know, I'll be able to be with that guy. Obviously it didn't work, to say the least I would say by eighth grade, I probably like really knew I liked girls. There was a girl in my eighth grade class that I had a really big crush on and I'm not going to say her name just for obvious reasons. But I remember being like, o my God, am I gay? Oh, my God, is this what being gay feels like And one thing I'm really glad about is for my nieces's generation, they don't really have so much of that. My niece has friends who are already out and she's only in sixth or seventh grade. Like she talks about how open everyone is and how some boys are dating boys, some girls are dating girls. And I just think that's awesome because I really, really, really pushed who I was down for so many years And it's really weird. Looking back, I kind of came out to different people at different times in my life. This episode's also going be all over the place, just to be clear. So I apologize ahead of time. I have no notes. I'm just going from my heart So we're gonna to take some twists, some turns, some whateververs U but I would say I realized I really, really liked women when it came to One Tree Hill Because I remember everybody fighting about like Nathan or Lucas. And I was like, okay, Nathan's hot, Lucas is cute too. But like have you seen Hillary Burton and Sophia Bush and Joy Lensz, Bethany Joy Lensz But Denil Harris is what really pushed it over the edge There's one episode in season three of One Tree Hill. It's called Fight Night. I think it's the title of it It before the school shooting episode in early season three, and it's when they do like the midnight madness fight. And I remember Brooke and Rachel getting into a fight and being like, ooh, what is this? Like what am I feeling? I thought Rachel Gatino was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my whole entire life. And I remember looking at my mom being like, isn't this so funny? Like I had such gay panic in that moment ent. But again, I just kind of pushed it down I just kept saying like, oh, these are celebrities. You're supposed to have a crush on celebrities. Celebrities are supposed to beautiful people. orr that's like the lie that I kept telling myself Because I did grow up in a conservative family. And while they weren't like outwardly homophobic, sometimes they were. Sometimes they would say things and I'd be like, oh, shit Like I'd better find a guy that I like that looks just like Chase Crawford. And they better want to date me because then it'll work. If I find someone who looks like Chase Crawford, it's gonna to work no matter what but those feminine features that he has, he's like a beautiful, beautiful boy. And I remember saying things to my stepmom. You know, my stepmom would always be like, what are you looking for when it comes to guys? And I'd be like someone to watch TV with, like vampire diaries and to gossip with And she was like, it sounds like you want like a best friend. And I was kind of like, well, yeah, I do want a best friend. And we'd always go back and forth and she would explain to me that like men like that don't exist unless they're gay. And I'd be like, well, then I guess I'll marry a gay man. I don't know. And there were a few friends of mine that I was like, you know, if we're both single at thirty eight, we're gonna have to get married So yeah, I guess it took me a long time to really accept the fact that I liked women And I think about like my old self a lot, especially now that I've gone to therapy and I don't drink anymore. L I look back at my past self and just want to wrap my arms around her and be like, it's gonna be okay Like you really will figure it out and your family will accept you And that's something I wish I knew earlier because but I don't know if I would have came out I don't know if if I hadn't left Massachusetts, I do not know what my life would look like current day, but I know it wouldn't look good I know that I wouldn't be in the best place because I hated myself when I lived in Massachusetts. Yes, I was going out with friends, yes, I was having fun, but I was just drinking and pushing down all my feelings and hoping that some man would fall out the sky that I would want to have sex with when every time I've been with a man, it's never felt good. And I was always like, maybe I just don't like sex. I don't know if that's TMI, but it's just you and I talking here Meia my nostalgia now buddies. So that's the truth and By the time I was twenty, I cut my hair like Rihanna had it, the asymmetrical Bob. and I remember being like, I look so good. And that was the first time guys started like flirting with me. I guess when I had that really short hair and I ended up dating this guy who was ten years older than me. I was twenty, he was thirty. and I'm going to call him man boy because that's what I call him with all of my friends And with him, it's really weird because I do think that I cared about him But at the end of the day It was never gonna work because I didn't want to be with a man And he didn't want to be with me. Like to be clear, Manboy did not want to be with me. him and I were on and off for like two or three years where we would just hang out sometimes for like weeks in a row. He would ignore me for weeks. We'd hang out again and would I'd be like afraid to text him. So it was just a whole mess. But one day he called me when he was drunk and he was like, just so you know I am in love with you and we would have good babies And I was kind of like, well, there it is, there it is. I kind of like hanging out with this guy and I'll never have to tell anyone I'm gay because this guy wants to marry me and have kids. Insane That is like, that is such a twenty two year old thought And that's why when I see like twenty two year olds being stupid on reality TV. I'm like, give him some time. Like I was so fucking crazy when I was twenty two. You just kind of have to, you got to get it out of your system. How he broke up with me, or we weren't really together. We were supposed to hang out on Valentine's Day or something after like six months of not seeing each other. He got into a relationship on Facebook and I was deevastated. I was so upset, but Whatever. You live, you learn, right? That's what Elenas Morsette has taught us throughout the years But going back to coming out at different times in my life, when I was, I would say seventeen, I met up with my cousin Lukey. and Luke passed away in twenty eighteen. him and I were like brother and sister until. adddiction really started to like ravage his life and him and I started fighting more because I was trying to hold him accountable, but like he didn't want help at the time. and it was just It was a big old mess and it was really sad, but I did get to see him F days before you passed away. And I think that's the universe being like, you two need to close whatever happened But growing up, he was like a little brother to me. When I was seventeen, he was fifteen. I believe there was two years between us And I'll never forget being like, Luke, I think I like girls. And one thing about Luke is he was pretty positive until drugs came into his life. And I'll never forget he was like, o, Kelly, that's awesome. He's like, now we can flirt with girls together. Like he was the very, very first person I told in my entire life that I liked girls even a little bit Even like a schchmidge. and he was so accepting and I was like, oh, this is really, really cool Like if my family, my cousin, can accept me, maybe other people can accept me. So then I met up with one of my friends, Steph, and we drove to Nan Tasket Beach in Massachusetts And it was just her and I in the car. We were like eating Doritos. And I was like, I think I'm bisexual. And that's like one thing a lot of lesbians do before they come out fully is they say they're bisexual. So this is ten years, almost ten years before I even told my dad and stepmom that I was bisexual, which by the way, the reason my stepmom found out I was bisexual is from early episodes in nostalgia now She used to listen to nostalgian now, and she never brought it up to me. She waited for me to tell her But yeah, she found out because I said it on nostalgian now. and that's like really Weird is that a lot of my family has found out or a lot, my stepmom follows me on Instagram, listenens to podcasts, whatever But like they have found out the same time you guys have found out. because I don't know, I guess like sharing my life online like a diary has been a little bit easier than having to have these conversations with family members one on one. And yeah, I don't know if I use that as like a cheat code or what, but I also think it shows how uncomfortable I was to actually speak to my family about stuff like this. But anyway I tell my friend's sth when I'm eighteen, I tell my other friends steuff when we're like eighteen. And I'm kind of like, okay, now I can just be bisexual. Like maybe I'll get lucky. Maybe I'll make up with a girl a few times, but I'm definitely gonna marry a man. Like in my head, I was like, I am definitely going to find a beautiful man to marry And even though I don't enjoy sex with men, I will figure it out. I'll figure it out along the way. and maybe I just don't have the right guy. Like I remember thinking all of these thoughts when I wish at that time in my life, I was like, no, it's because I like women. But again, it's difficult when you're not sure if your family is gonna to accept you. Like yes, my friends accepted me. Yes, my cousin accepted me. But my mom is a born again Christian, which we'll get into in a little bit. But yeah, like my family is still fairly conservative. Luckily, like they've accepted me fully all this stuff and I feel very lucky to have been able to kind of work through things in a different state before I brought it to their attention. but I remember right before I was leaving for Nashville One of my friends was really upset that I was leaving because her and I were the single girls, We were the girls who always went out together. And I'll never forget. She said she was like, you know, you can be a lesbian in Massachusetts, right? I hadn't called myself a lesbian That was the first time, one of the first times I was called a lesbian like out loud. And I remember thinking that word was scary. Like I think when you grow up in the nineties and early two thousands, there is kind of like a negative tone when it comes to the word lesbian Because even when I first came out, I just said I'm gay For some reason, that word lesbian was like tough for me. and it's something internalized that obviously I had to work through. Like now I can say that, yes, I am a lesbian, but it took me so long to get comfortable with that word to describe myself just because of how negative it was spoken in my home, in pop culture And like I mentioned earlier, I think it's so great that there are so many queer characters on television because not every show that I watched had someone queer in it and I didn't watch Dawson's Creek, which may have been more helpful if I did when I was younger since there's a gay character on the show. Even like one Tree Hill think there were any gay characters on onene Treehill, which is kind of nuts I guess Anna, Anna and Anna was Felix's sister, but I felt very seen by Anna because she has this quote where she's like If you're too prude, then you're a tease. if you're to open than you're a slut. Like it's some scene from when the time capsule gets leaked And I used to think about that a lot and I'd just be like, how can I possibly be myself? in the environment that I'm in Okay, so that's kind of where I was at by like twenty five. I really liked women didn't think it was going happen, was hoping that someone else closeted would come into my life and we could pretend to be friends while we're actually dating behind the scenes. I had crushes on girls and I tried to like kind of pursue them. I remember I really liked O girl. She was a singer And I think she knew I liked her And she liked the attention I gave her But obviously that didn't work out because I didn't know how to say like, hey, I like you. and thank God, I didn't. That would have been like so painful for me to live through. And like I guess I didn't even really tell people I like them because I didn't want to get rejected. There was one girl in high school. It might have been right after I graduated. I texted her and said I liked her and she told me she didn't like me back. She liked me as a friend And after that, I was like, I am never telling anyone I like them ever again. Even the guy that I dated for two years on and off, I didn't really tell him I liked him. Now I look back at certain things. I'm like, what if I did say that? It's a good thing I didn't. It's a good thing that that one kind of left my life U But yeah, I even sometimes feel bad about the way I used to talk about Tim on this podcast. If you're a long time listener, you know who Tim is. And he used to fucking listen to the podcast and we work together. What was wrong with me I'm glad you guys didn't tell me to like stop and reel it in because I probably wouldn't have. but I look back and I'm like, I really was talking about all these people that I was going to see at work forty hours a week. And I was just like, he, this is so much fun. But yeah, I feel like Tim was just some guy that I thought could possibly like me So I was going to pretend to like him because he was fine. We got along fine and he seemed a little, you know, We liked a lot of the same things to talk about. So I was like, ooh, fun. That was not fun. That wasn't cool of me to do. And when he commented on my engagement photo being like, so happy for you, loved him. I was like, I have to block you I have to get this out of my life. But yeah, I think what's really interesting is for a lot of my twenties I was just like celibate Like I wasn't trying to hook up with people. I wasn't trying to do anything. I'd have weird random hookups. but outside of that, I was just like, you know, let me just focus on myself That was always my big thing. I was like, you know, I have a career. I want to focus on my career. I don't have time to date boys And in reality, it's like I just didn't like them all And yeah, I just keep looking back at that version of myself and I'm glad that I could go back or if I could go back in time, I could tell her like, hey, it all works out So yeah, my early twenties, there were definitely some girls in the Plymouth, Massachusetts area that I think liked me. There was one girl in particular who I ended up having a pretty big crush on And I remember she got a boyfriend. I got upset about it And I think that was another weird thing to try and figure out. It was like, Do I have a crush on this person? Do I want to be this person? Do I just think their boyfriend is a piece of shit 'Ccause those were like the three things that I would come across with how I felt internally. This one girl She was like confusing. It's sometimes confusing when you have like a homo erotic friendship and you don't know what to do with it. Like this girl would throw her arms around me, kiss my cheek and I'd be like, oh, she definitely likes me. Then she would be calling me complaining about this guy she likes. and I'm like, okay, so she doesn't like me. And early twenties are meant for just fucking up. If you're in your early twenties listening to this have a very big demographic of early twenties that listen to this podcast. But if you do and you feel like you're fucking up, listen, you'll figure it out. I promise you. If you are twenty years old and you feel like you're walking into walls and you're just like what the fuck is going on? eventually you will figure it out. I promise, it might take a few years, but you got this. And even if you're in your late twenties and early thirties, you still have time to figure it out Even if you're older than that, you still have time to figure it out. You have so much time to figure out what you want in life Um So yeah, so basically I moved to Nashville and that's when I start saying like, oh, I'm by because I'm away from my family. I've never I also never like lived away from my family. I lived at college for one semester. I did one semester in the dorms at Wheellock College in Boston. But outside of that, I was always a commuter. I commuted to community college. I commuted to Bridgewater State College So I was always home And when I got that sense of freedom to really be myself, it was like the biggest blessing in the world. I can't even explain to you how important that was because I don't know where I would be today, as I mentioned at the beginning, had I stayed in Massachusetts But I moved to Nashville and I'm starting to meet new people and I'm telling them I'm bisexual, but I'm still very, very heavily trying to Be with men I am still like, I might think women are pretty, I might think they're beautiful, but I'm definitely going to end up with a man. And I wish my brain didn't do that. But also in Nashville, although it is like a blue county, it's a very red state. And I was still kind of nervous to be gay in Tennessee Even though I was far away from my family, I was still like, how am I gonna be able to do this? And I guess what's funny is before I left for Nashville. I told my brother's ex I told the mother of my nieces, I told her about it. And she was like, Kelly, who cares? She's like, I'm from California. Ebody's gay. Everyone's a little gay. You're fine. L donon't worry about it, but I get why you don't wantan to tell your family. And eventually I also told my brother, but I basically told the two of them like don't tell my parents. So I was like breadcrumb coming out for a very long time Many people in my life knew I kind of liked girls And I guess I'm sorry, like I said, this episode is kind of all over the place, but glee was also a big part of my coming out. I think most millennials who are queer, Glee probably has something to do with it. And I remember this scene where Santana is singing landslide to Brittneany and just sobbing And my stepmom and I would watch Glee together. That's how we bonded. And I was like, isn't this just so beautiful? And I wonder if in her mind, she was kind of like, We all know, my whole family calls me Kell Kell, we all know that you are gay, but she couldn't say it So back to Nashville, backack to Nashville. I am still not dating women. I have my like tinder settings on women and men, but I'm going out on dates with guys and just hating my fucking life. And I was just like, if I could just find a good one, none of these men were that bad, if I'm being completely honest. Looking back, they were all nice, they were fine. They just weren't my cup of tea 'cause I did not like men. No matter how hard I tried, I could never be with guys. I did try, as I mentioned earlier But then like some other things happened and I remember going to gay bars and lesbian bars and I was just trying to figure it out. And I guess I still wasn't comfortable saying I was a lesbian. becausecause I would tell people I was bi. I think at this point on nostalgia now on Lagun Beach, I was saying like I'm bi. The women I'm buy for is like Rihanna And I love Rihanna. Rihanna is one of my biggest celebrity crushes of all time, but it's like, of course you have a crush on Rihanna. She's absolutely stunning. Like even a straight girl would say she had a crush on Rihanna. You know what I mean? And I also think like The girl crush of it all really messed with my brain a bit And I don't think my mom did that like intentionally by any means, but I'd be like, oh, I just have a girl crush on them. Isn't a girl crush like real? And it's like, yeah, but it's also just a crush You don't need to put girl crush in front of it because it's just a crush Okay, are we up to speed? How are we doing here? We're in Nashville at the time. That's where our current timeline is. And I remember one night me and my friend got really drunk and made out and I didn't have a crush on her though After we made out, I was like, oh, that was like fun, but I don't not have a crush on you. And then Basically, when I went to New York for our first live show I hung out with someone and I was like, oh no. L I really like this person And this person was a girl. And my dad and stepmom were at that show And then the next morning we all got breakfast at the hotel. And that's when I finally came out to them that I liked women. I did it over breakfast the day after our first live show in New York City. And I was like, I know that I say that I like guys, but I just don't And my dad and Karen, they were very like Yeah, that makes sense. There was no hesitation, there was no judgment, there was no anything. I remember my dad, oh, am I going to get emotional I remember my dad just saying like, now you can live your life, you know? Quick question, when was the last time a display ad changed your mind Now think about the last time a friend told you about something they loved. Different feeling, right? That's how podcast advertising works A host who's built real trust with their audience talks about your brand in their own words in their own voice. It doesn't interrupt the experience. It's part of it. With ACast, you can access the world's largest podcast marketplace. Choose the right shows, the right audiences, the right format. thenen watch the data tell you it worked. You're not buying impressions You're buying influence Learn more by visiting aast d. com slash advertise One thing that my dad has always said is he just wants me to be happy He wants me to find someone who makes me happy. And I can remember like before I fully came out, he'd be like, you've waited a long time to find someone good. You've waited a long time to find someone to make you happy, and that's all I want for you. Now did that girl make me happy? No, but I think I misread some shit. anyway When I came out to them, it felt like a really big weight was lifted off of me. So that was February of twenty twenty two. So February of twenty twenty two, I'm finally starting to use the word lesbian And what's weird is I came out on Twitter the day Joe Biden won presidency I was like, I am gay and now I feel like I can come out as gay because Donald Trump is in office. So again, this is me like coming out at different times to everybody. And I do wish that I just did it once and got it over with, but I kept like ripping a band aid off, putting it back on, ripping a bandaid off, putting it back on and still not fully accepting who I am like inside But I think when I moved to New York is when I really decided like, hey, I'm in New York. There are so many queer people in New York. I am going to be gay. Finally, I'm going to be a lesbian. So like I mentioned, February of twenty twenty two, I told my dad and stepmom, I came out fully to them And then April of twenty twenty two, I came out to my mom. And it wasn't the easiest conversation. I'm not going to act like it was sunshine and rainbows. It certainly wasn't It was right before my going away party where I had everyone dress as different versions of myself And she's very, very religious now Growing up she wasn't. growrowing up my mom was someone who was like Love everyone, everyone deserves to be loved. everyone deserves the same respect. Now it's changed a lot. and I think a lot of families go through that And it's really weird to kind of not know how to communicate with your parent when they're going through this kind of, I'm going call it a religious psychosis if I'm being honest. That's what I'm going to call it here on nostalgia now and to try and figure out how to deal with that while also trying to accept yourself. like it feels like a lot of moving parts and I kind of said to her, I was like, I don't want you to judge me because she had said anti gay things to me, you know It's really difficult when you're trying to plan a gay wedding and your mom has told you that she doesn't believe in gay marriage, but she makes an exception for you. And it's like, what the fuck are we talking about? If anyone has any insight on that, please DM me. I would love to have a conversation about it. But she ends up sending me a text being like, you judge me for being Christian. I don't judge you for being gay. And I was like, oh my Godd, here we go anyway That's the night I went to the strip cllub that's the night I lost my mind at a strip club. Anyway Basically I moved to New York the next month week, I think. I think I did my going away party on a Saturday and then the movers came that Monday. So it was a pretty quick turnaround And when I got to New York, I really liked that one girl And I put a lot of stock into it and I shouldn't have because she was not out. She was not anything. And it really, I'm not going to say bum me out. It doesn't bum me out looking back because I think it taught me like a really important lesson And that is to not go after manic Pixie girls, whatever it's called. What is it? The manic Pixie girl? You know what I'm talking about Anyone who's like penny lane or like Jessifer girls, that used to be my type. I used to be like, o, they're so like They're so fun. it's not fun. It's not. Don't do that. D't go for justice from girls Um, But yeah, I basically like, I'll never forget I was out, I was a lesbian, I was no longer bisexual. And I think people also got a little confused by that because I was talking about men still, and I still talk about men. And I think that is proof that sexuality isn't a choice because I still think men are attractive. I love a beautiful man. You know how much I love to post about Michael B. Jordan, Idris Elba, Zach Efron, Chase Crawford. The whole list goes on and on but it doesn't work sexually and that's something that I'm very aware of. But yeah, sexuality isn't a choice because if it was, I would, no, I'm kidding. I'd still be with Blaair. But maybe in my twenties, I'd try and hang out with Michael B. Jordan. He wouldn't hang out with me, but anyway. When I got to New York, I was just like, I am Okay And it was freeing and it was fun and I was going on tinder dates with people and It really felt kind of like being a teenager again. because I had pushed away so many feelings, right? Like I said, like I would go a year and a half without even kissing someone. Like I was just focused on notot letting my secret out while also kind of telling people I liked girls, but not like pursuing girls if all that makes sense. And then I'm in New York and I'm going out to the woods on Wednesday night, lesbian night and I'd become friends with bartenders. and my thing at the woods is I would sit at the bar. like I didn't have a friend group to go with. Shannon from Fluently Forward would come with me here and there, but I would become friends with the bartenders and then when girls had trouble buying drinks, I would call the bartender over and we would make it work and I would buy that girl a drink was kind of like my move at the bar. Now you guys know my move, okay. Now I don't drink, so I can't do those moves. and I also have an incredible fiance. so I do not need to use those moves, but that was my move when I first moved to New York. I was like, all right, let me talk to this bartender, Nadine, shout out Nadine. And when someone needs a drink room they're gonna be like, Hey Nadine, can you help this girl get a drink? And then that's kind of how I would start talking to people. So New York, I'm living my life. I'm having so much fun doing it I tell that girl that I like her I sent a voice note to her and I was like, Hey, I can't like keep this in anymore. And her response were these exact words I'm not ignoring you, trying to process this. will'll respond back. Never heard from her again And that was june first of twenty twenty two. So my whole joke for the rest of June was that my pride was homophobic. It was just a funny joke for me. I don't know if I needed to like say it on Instagram. I don't know if that was like kind But at the time I thought it was, at the time I thought it was a funny joke And yeah But that summer, I just I kind of lost my mind And I talked about this during my sobriety episode or my choice to Stop drinking episode, I guess And that summer, I was just going on dates. I was doing drugs, I was drinking a lot, I was staying out till two AM. I was not sleeping. I was recording podcast twice a week. I was working forty hours a week. I was burning everything at both ends. And I think I kind of needed to do that to get everything out. I don't know how else to explain that And although I don't always have the greatest memory looking back on New York City, New York City left a really bad taste in my mouth when I was leaving and some of it was my doing. I can't lie While every other channel is fighting for your customers' attention, podcasts are where they've already given it. No one accidentally listens to a podcast for forty five minutes. They choose to be here. They trust the voice in their ears, and when that voice talks about your brand, it doesn't sound like advertising. It sounds like a recommendation from a friend. ACast gives you that trust at scale. Digital precision, host read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked Don't fight for attention. Buy it with Acast Learn more by visiting aast d. com slash advertise But that first summer, I got so much out of my system, maybe too much But I was also feeling like I was able to be my true self for the first time ever in my life at thirty. thirty one, I guess I was thirty one. And I just wanted to keep chasing that And I've heard this from other people who came out late in life that it's almost like you're a teenager again because you never got to date the way you wanted to date. And now you're out and you're like, oh my God, I can do this. I can date girls, I can date who I want. This is going be so much fun So yeah, I would go out, I would meet people, I would get phone numbers, I would just try and meet as many people as possible and be myself, which was such a new feeling And also when I moved to New York, it was the first time I ever felt pretty. It was the first time people started like hitting on me flirting with me. But then there were moments where I was like, do I like women? Like there was still something in my head and I remember New Year's going into twenty twenty three, my midnight kiss was a guy And I was told that guy had a crush on me after and I was like, he's nice, but like it's just not going to work. But I also had been so starved for like physical touch that I was like, could it work? And It's like, no, Kelly No, you have to just accept that you are gay. And I'm just glad that I finally got there. I don't I mean, it was a really weird bumpy ride, evenven though I kissed a guy, I knew I liked girls. I don't know if that was the kindest thing to do, but it was also like we were all drunken on cooke, so whatever And then I met Blair. Then I met Blire and it all kind of changed I had never, ever, ever met someone where it was just so easy. So Blair came up in February, she came from DC to New York in the beginning of February of twenty twenty three And she came up on one of the coldest nights of the year And the first like two hours of her being in my apartment, we talked about like teen mom and the challenge. And I was kind of like, wait This girl is gay. She talks about teen mom in the challenge, like, o my God, this is so easy. It's so nice. And that night we just talked like all night. It was amazing. And I had never felt so connected to anyone. And I also think And this is like I don't know, I don't know how people take this. but I didn't realize there were like beautiful lesbians. I think like growing up in the nineties, you thought lesbians were all supposed to look like Boo from Orange is the new black, which if that is your type, I am not judging. It's just not my type And orrange is the New Black really opened my eyes to the fact that there were like beautiful, gorgeous lesbians. But seeing Blair being like, wait, this girl is attracted to me This beautiful blonde with big green eyes like out my entire type is attracted to me And I almost couldn't believe it. U Glad I did, gllad I accepted that she liked me But yeah. Having her come into my life obviously changed a lot. and I remember telling my family like, I'm dating a girl. It is long distance. We're trying to make it work. And yeah, it just Once you finally Open up and accept who you are It is so much easier. life is so much easier and it's beautiful. And if you are someone who is struggling and you're kind of going back and forth, just know you're also not alone in that And I think my story is literally all over the place. too the point where my first summer in New York, I was like, should I try and date a guy again? I know I've come out as a lesbian, but trying to date women isn't exactly working for me at the moment Thank God, I didn't do that. because I think There was still that fear, right? L Because I felt like I didn't know where I fit in the lesbian community. I have one one friend who's a lesbian My best friend Devin, I hesitated because I didn't know if there were more. I have like friends acquaintances, but not like close, close friends. and she's up in New Hampshire. so she can't really help me with the ropes. One of my good good friends Dexter did their best to help me navigate being a lesbian, but they're not a lesbian. So it wasn't always the easiest I think I still was so insecure with being gay because I wasn't I didn't have like experience. And now I'm in New York City where it feels like everyone is the coolest person you've ever met And they've lived ten lives and you're just like, I just came out, but I'm thirty one. And I think I had shame in that. I think there was a little bit of shame being like, why couldn't I have done this younger? And there are a bunch of reasons, as I mentioned at the beginning of this episode And a lot of it was just accepting myself And once you finally accept yourself, I think your life becomes a lot easier, but it's also like Sometimes hard to accept that side of yourself You know Within the last five years, I've come out I've stopped drinking I'm now engaged, like So much has happened in the last five years that I don't think I can wrap my head around fully. And there are still moments where I'm like, damn Like I really waited a long, long time to come out and that's maybe a big regret of mine And I know people are like, Lave your life, no regrets. I got some regrets, and that's fine. I just wish I allowed myself to be myself at a younger age. and Obviously, when I was twenty six living in Massachusetts, there was something inside of me that didn't feel safe enough to come out. And that's sad for that twenty six year old its that's still inside of me B I was able to create my own path. I did have to move halfway across the country. I did have to be plopped in the city where I didn't know anyone, but that's kind of the beauty of it because I didn't know anyone including myself And as I was meeting new people, I was meeting different parts of myself that I really enjoyed and liked and I guess I do feel bad about lying about liking men for as long as I did. There is a part of me that does feel bad. I feel bad that I used to get on this mic, talk all that stuff about Tim and then be like, and okay. Like I know nothing will happen with Tim. but it's a story. It's something funny that's happening in my life and now, you know, I don't have chaos, much chaos in my life and I'm very like happy about that. And I think that was another The reason why returning to nostalgia now was a little bit difficult for me because I knew that version of myself where, yes, I was being real. Yes, there were things that were true that I was saying. You know, I talked about my mom like crazy, I talked about how much I hated my job like crazy. All those were real things. But then there was this other part that I was like, oh, this is like a fun storyline to keep going And I don't know if people should be treated as storylines in your life. Obviously everyone in your life is their own like storyline, but when you are kind of making them a storyline is when you got to realize like, hey Maybe I should chill out just a little bit Um But yeah, late in life lesbian. I came out at thirty, thirty one, even though I kind of came out earlier when I said I was bisexual And if you're listening to this and you're worried or if you are resonating if any, what is it? in AA, it's like take what you will, leave the rest. That's something they say, at least in Alan on. I hope that that's what you took from this episode. Take what you want, leave the rest. And yeah, if you have any like I don't know if questions is the right word to use, but if you want to chat, like feel free to DM me. I'm always here to talk Um But yeah, that is kind of my coming out story. And you know, I still have a family member who says they don't believe in gay marriage, but still want to come to my wedding and I don't know what to do about that. So yeah, if you have Any experience with that? please let me know because this person is obviously an important person in my life, but it's also like, what the fuck And to me, I'm just like, we're in twenty twenty six. Gr up. Like, grow up. Everyone's doing their own thing now Like let me kiss who I wantanna kiss. is noney a goddamn business. Exactly. That's exactly what it is This is a late in life lesbian episode and Um, Yeah, I guess I always feel like we miss some chapters over here on Nostalgian now when Beyond the Blinds kind of took over my life for a very long time, which I am grateful for, which I am not complaining about but I wasn't able to give this. Oh, and you know who I didn't mention Troy. Troy was a really big part of my coming out story Him and I were talking once and this was in I don't even know if Beyond the Blinds was together for a year yet. It was still fairly new. I don't think we hit our one year mark U But yeah, he told me he never got the chance to come out He basically said, like, oh, I never had the privilege of coming out. I was just told I was gay. And I realized that I was hiding behind being bisexual and that was a privilege And yeah, so Troy was also a part of my coming out story. And I know I was trying to end this podcast, but I'm glad I waited for a minute Because yeah, him telling me that he didn't have the privilege and he was basically told like, hey, you're a gay kid And I didn't have that. And I was hiding behind the label bisexual, knowing in my heart that I was a lesbian, knowing in my heart that I never truly wanted to be with a guy So yeah, he was also like a really, really big part of me coming out and me feeling comfortable and just Big accepting of who I am as a person in general, not just my sexuality when it comes to Troy. Like he just truly like accepted me and has helped me grow as a person Um So yeah And the reason I talk about men so much is because I do think men are good looking. I just don't want to have sex with them. And also like I think it would be weird if I was on a podcast being like, Oh, Soophia Bush, this that, you know, Brittney Snow, this that. And I have like a fiancee. L I don't know. I don't wantna be like, ye, she's so hot If call Rihanna Haot, Blaress like, obviously, you know Obviously Rihanna is so beautiful, but I don't know. I feel like women get talked about so much by men. that I'm like, let me sexualize some men. Let me talk about Chase Crawford in his jawline. Let me talk about, you know what I mean? So that's kind of why I don't talk about women as much as I talk about men. And it's funny because people are like, so you're not bisexual. I'm like, no, I just think men are beautiful they're beautiful men and that's the truth Um Now I'm just kind of rambling. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you for being Patreon members If you are a Patreon member. If you're not a Patreon member, make sure to sign up, link in the bio. We're going to be talking about