Final Menu and Chocolate Lolly

Welcome to the off menu podcast taking the kitcut of conversation, sliding the nail of humour along the foil of friendship and snapping off A little baton of chocolate wafer podcast Whatsday Gambble My name is James Acas. and together we own a dream restaurant every single week We inviteited the guests asking their favourite ever st startar of Mgo's dessert side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is Harry Enfield, Harry Enfield National Treas. We're National Treas territory. National Treas Territ. Absolutely We grew up watching Harry Efield at the time you know, if we were allowed. fantastic. so many ye comedy characters that likeonic. I had a video of Harry andfield and Chumms. Yeah that was huge for me Yeah massive. abbsolutely massive. So excited to have Harry in the studio today. We've had Kathy Burke, of course, who was also have showown worked with Harry a lot We just we need White House. We need White House and then we're into the Fast show territory thenen you' got get all that lot in. Yeah. We've had Arabeella We've had Abeella, of course when I I saw Abeella Like maybe a year after bumped into her. And she said she said, you don't remember me. I do. I do. I knew you who you were before me I. It's like a pretty big deal, Aabell. Yeah. No, no, no, you don't know who I am But we're very excited to have Harry and Harry is on tour doing his show. Harry Enfield and no chums No chums. No chums. One day that could be this podcast. Yeah Benito Just banito and no chumps. No, it's called just bito Vo. yeah. and it's just He still doesn't speak. Bloodishes just completely blank ch. This is clap before. Yeah, and that's all you hear. is records like the podcast he used to do with Harry Hill Oh yeah, he did actually It was just a noise. you can still find those online if you want to find the Harry Hill Makes the noise podcast But this is not the Harry we're here to talk about. We're here to talk about Harry Enfield. Go to fain. co. uk for tickets. I think there's a bit of a retrospective to it. He'll be doing some characters, but we can talk T Harry more about that. Yeah when he comes into the dream restaurant. But of course we will kick him out He says the secret ingredient, which we deem to be unacceptable and this week the secret ingredient is Fllies Now, if you don't remember the smashy and nicy fab adverts then bad luck because they were brilliant. They were brilliant. Harry Harry and Paul doing the characters smashy and nice. The radio DJ Radio DJ. K kind of based on like Tony Blackburn, people like that. Yeah. Really funny adverts. And fab lollies are delicious.es. So you know, not being kicked out because we don't like fab lollies. Beacause he might have picked Fab lollies because he got sent so many fab lollies that he got really into them. Yeah, maybe it was a great time and he's now like he's my favourite dessert. It wouldd be a shame to kick out a comedy hero, James. Especially for a lolly that's very nice Yeah that we've chosen because of adverts that we thought were funny. There you go. That's the we've made up out This is the final episode of series fifteen, everyone. restest in peace, series fifteen U'm onntil next year, twenty twenty seven. Fresh Hell is the name of the show. Ed Gambled at Cod UK for tickets, tickets are on the sale now It's a funny show man. So funny. snap them up. snap ' them up. like a crocodile. So inside that wasn't your clap. That was me' the Crocodile. I know you thought that was your clap. We would never take that away from youer This is the off menu menu of Harry Enfield Welcome Harry to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you very much. Welcome Harry Efield to the Dream restaurant,' but been's been you for some time Thank you very much, James. I've been expecting to come here for some time. It's been a long time asking. Well we're very excited We're delighted to have you here. Thank you for having me. We've said before how that my partner this morning was like, Harian feelels so cool. She's never met me.body. You would have call it when we were school, not to make you feel old but like You were the cool comedian. Yeah, well you are very young compared to me. I looked it up and My career is as long as your lives Really? Wow. Yeah, I started a spitting image in January I think on about january the twelfth nineteen eighty five, I searched in viceices. Wow. So you were three days old. You were three days old. You know it's my birthday. Yeah Yeah, you' Yeah too. Yeah, you know everything about. Oh dear. Oh dear. I had to get my dad to My pares wn't let me watch Do sh. No too rude ote, but all the kids in my school were quoting it. nonstop And I was saying to them Yeah, I never really usually did this, but I had to say to listen. This is making my life difficult at school. I have to be have This is like the rest of this. It's like everyone's speaking a different language and I can't keep up with it. You need to help me out. like meet me halfway here So they As a kid that the friends meet me halfway. Meet me halfway Yeah. So my dad would che. My dad would watch it the night before and record it on the VHS And then the next day would show me the sketches he'd deemed I was allowed to watch. And that would give me enough of the lingo in school to get by in the day. Oh, well, that's good. Although I think it would have been more character forming for you to not be allowed to watch it at all. Yeah have to just completely screwed up at school. Yeah. Al also surely the ones at school that people talkking about the most would have be the ruder ones, right? Yeah because that was most exciting so' therere going like sw just quoting Mr. Dead But they're like. But they're like, yeah, but I'd forgot about mister Dave. That was Dave Cummings. Yeah, know, Dlemetry No a band. Yeah. Oh go, yes, okay, yeah. Yeahah. he was a bass player in that and L Col. a sorry guitarist and L Coline. And he said, How about doing Mrter Dead? He never really took off but. We loved it. I would say. It might have been like a clean sketch, but I would say it was the most disturbing sketch on that series. Yes Yeah in a box. like a horse. He's dead, of course. S. It was Mr. Ed. in the fifties Oh was just cool. Yeah, because I I loved mister Dead as well, but I don't think I had any sense of what it was based on. So for me it was just the most surreal, brilliant thing in the world. it was just a dead guy in a stable. Yeah. A guy punches him in one of the sketches. Yeah. He doesn't like the fact that mister Dead's staring at him. so he wants to punch him and mister Dad goes, okay, but you'll regret it And then the guy punches him and obviously just goes like I think pretty much into his chest and he goes, I told you I'd punch it, and said, I told you'd regret it. your dad like, yeep, that was fun. Yeah you can watch that. I don't remember that at all. It was great. I think he made that up afterwards. I wish we had to. We quite it in school. Remember there was one he's in the back of the car in his coffin You know, it's a lovely old conversible sort of chehevy or something and' wearing the front and the policeman Morning Bob. Morning mrter Dad. It's good stuff. Yeah there was a whole school assembly where one of the classes would take it in turns to do the school assembly each week and one class they just did the whole assembly was S sketches from Harry Enfield.. But like, you know, that we have to pay for that through our taxes for the education. Yeah, ye. Yeah, yeah. Oh my Godd, that's terrible. They were doing. My kids weren't allowed to watch it just to let you know. Right. And of a it stopped going out by they were born in ' ninety seven onwards S I didn't even tell them what I did. you know, I just go to work with dad come back and doing interviews, or anything like that. I didn't want them cursed with with that kind of thing And when they're about, I guess she was about six or something, he'd learned to read and stuff and he's going, dad What's this? it's a video and it had my name on the top and it had Kevin on the front. I, Oh, that's what I do Could we watch it Yeah, okay. I couldn't really think. So they put it on in the living room, right from him and his little sisters And they're staring at their dad Being all these cachs, they're really shocks. Yeah. I'm upset. Like this going So then the doorbell goes, right? So I answer the door. liivving rooms there, door' there. pololice, right? And they say, have you got a gray bike? I said, ye. They said, I think it's just been nicked. One of the neighbourors just said it' been nicked I said, Ohh Gge, oh yeah, it has been that you back come in. so they came in They start talking about the bike And you could see they could hear it was my program. And then you could see them sort of look like that and they could see these three really unhappy children like staring at me, staring at the teelly in complete shock. And you know, all I wanted to say was look, they've never seen it before they quite clearly thought that's what I did every night. Yeah sit down, watch me. watch Dad do his work That was really embarrassing. Get the bike back? No, no. No, so There's bike back. Yeah from the police. Yeah you. It's the police. We found your bite That'd be the least believable sketch. Yeah you write me. Yeah Of course these days you have you have no chums, hurry Yeah, I've got no chums Good link Baring tour with no chums. Harry Enfield and no chums on tour. Yes. How that How's that been so far? It Really fun. Yeah, especially having no chums. The last tour I did was with Paul Whitehouse ten yearsays ago we did a g together. Cine Shepherd. Oh my Godds, Catherine Shepd. lovely Cath. Wheel went on to all the three of us and it was really good fun but this time they wouldn't come None of my friends would come with me. Maybe they weren't on my own. How's that been then? having no tumps? has it been fun or has it been a challenge It fun. It's like I call it my mini Oasis tour really It's kind of There's a lot of love in the room. And it's all ancient people. you know, your dad. Yeah, yeah. Not that your dad liked my. He would watch it and show me that. He'd probably go to your tour and then tell me the bits I'm allowed to know see. Yeah. actuallyually, there wouldn't be much you're allowed I say swear words. Oh no. So it's a mix of doing the characters and then also like a sort of retrospective. Yeah, ye sort of like looking back and how I met people, but mainly sketches. Yeah, which characters What people want? Yeah, whichich characters have you put in that you think people want to see these or loads of money. Yeah Who I think still better. You know, richer than ever there poooor than ever, fucking brilliant. You know, he loves that No all my little bit of slobs. you know, I have to do Kathy as well pool a bit But I don't have to pay them good. And you know, all and I write up to Harry and Paul and surgeons and things like that that we did. And you're doing Kevin Yeah, tiny bit cabin. It's quite difficult. I'm sixty five now. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, Kevin Sorry. Id just like to say That's very clever of me save sixty five Because I'm actually sixty four. When this goes out, I'll be sixty. Wow. That's very clever. Isn't that cool? I just literally thought of it. This is what happens when you're in sort the media and broadcasting for this long. You think about all these things. Yes. Yeah, I'm sixty five now. Yeah yeah.our partner will think that's really cool. She will think that's cool. because otherwise she would have I heard you say sixty four and gone hold. Yeah. Yeah you it. Yeah liar. Yeah's not cool. He's not cool to me anymore. Why do they always do that? Why do these actors always lie about them own? That's crazy. He's not cool anymore. He's did it by why interview him again ever. I love Kevin so much, but then and my mum also loved Kevin. But she really weaponised Kevin against me when I became a teenager. That did happen Yeah anything I couldn't get away with anything because he were like, oh, hello, Kevin, the teenager. Come on mom. Don't use something I love against me. Yeah. I used to feel so sorry for it teenagers. Yeah their parents would come up. It's like, We call him Kvy and he'd be there like. Gorge, I hate Bito when he was twelve, he was on the night that he was going like, you know, before his thirteenth birthday, he had planned to do the whole Kevin thing He planned to do it. he was gonna turn her into a teenager and done all that. And then he forgot. Yeah. Oh it he's not never ever been a teenager. that's why he still comes across like a little boy. Yeah. Oh bless you. This sweet little boy. I love him. I love him Will I start with still a sparkl in water, Harry, a preference Yes, um I'd like'd like I'd like fizzy water. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Fizzy water. Yeah. So who was it? It's like I grew up, you see I was born in nineteen sixty one We have fizzy water as a special treat, right? And then sometim timee in about the eighties said, let's call fizzy water sparkling and suddenly it became sparkling water. Yeah everywhere sparkling. So you're making a distinction between I fizzy and the fizzy and sparkling Yeah I'm saying fizz waterat as what we sparkling. is everywhere now. Oh God. This is so cool. And when they ask me in a restaurant, if it's a male waiter, I always say sparkling like your eyes. Oh that's nice. Do they like that? Yeah, the other day one someone took it seriously actually. Yeah. but I got very, very good good service from him. Yeah Yeah. That's nice. Instantly charming your way into a like lovely meal, but you've given them a compliment of. Yeah becausecause my chips didn't arrive on time. and I go, Excuse me, my chips hadn't arrived and he was so attentive because you'd certainly had sparkling eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, that's good. I w to try that. They were sparkling. They were a bit lopsided, you know? Yeah. One was going one way and one the other way, but they sparkled. Yeah. Well, that's what the bubbles in the water do, I suppose. They go all over the place. so go all over the sh,' Io right al eff sh But I do like you know, it you go out a sense of occasion, isn't it? Yeah a little bit of hiszy water So you used to have it as a treat when when it was fizzy water. Yeah. And then some people, my rich friends. I call them. No, people who were like better off than us had a water maker. And that was like the pinnacle. Yeah Yeahah. You go and get someoney. You could make your own sparkling water and it didn't cost you Sixpence in the old money. you'd like going over to their houses and using the soda stream? Yeah, and you put a little bit of slime in it And then it becomes something else. Yeahah, wasn't it? You ever gluved the slime on its own Straight? I have tried it. I it so sweet. I knowew you would have Delicious. Yeah, That's why my teeth is so sw All that slime I drunk when I was young. It is amazing when you're a kid how much better other people's houses are Yes. never you never think about how good your own house is. You're always like that. Oh God all the time. L my friends I'd go over and like the snack drawer at my friend Henry Defries's house Whow we? Oh, Henry D Fesis, D Freees Henry D Freece. Yeah, it is marvelous. You like to have a I'm Henry D Friz Comeone who look at my snack drawer. snack Honestly, you would not believe the snack draw. Really It was I don't know if you' seen the film The Whale It was as that guy's snack. Oh my god Well, I could tell you my best friend school Joe. ull they was American. Allright. That's ex. And he was the first American anyone had ever met in this country We looking, you know, nineteen sixty eight So he arrive with an accle like that. Well, it was more like that obviously. It was like seven And because they were American They did all these amazing things. I mean, it was literally like from going the other side of the iron curtain to the West or something. you go into the house, A it was warm because they used their central heating. Whereas our parents all love turn it off. Yeah. It's already above freezing. Turn it off. It's there to admire a radiator. Sure. They had a warmhouse and they had a whole room, a larger room as big as the studio wow. There were these pots of sweets bounties and marathons stickers had Mousepars thing course Well for Harry go. Have you seen that? Harry, Harry, where are you? G. Just gobbling up all the swets. You can have as many as you like. Yeah. Which in my house we're allowed two a day Yeah. Two a dayss pretty good, though, I think. Little ones. Oh, yeah. sweet. Yeah,'s my house T two biscuits when you get h Tw biscuits, twow biscuits but then, you know ps for bit later than now We went for it. Yeah. abbsolutely. And we've convinced ourselves as long as we leave like oneiscuit in the bll they won't notice. Yeah. No. abolutely. Yeah, that was like mum's purse Oh yeah As long as I leave ten paine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah Rob is your mum? Yeah Yeah,. You need the money,t? Yeah I was desperate. I love this other Joe Yeah, he's great so. he's still a friend. In fact I'm seeing him this weekend. Really? Sorry, I saw him U four mon ds ago. Pop ls or bread. Poplombs or bread. Harry Efield Yeah. Poplombs on bread, please Okay for Catcher Oh, love you beautiful. I like a bit of forkatcha. Well, if that's there, because I try and go, obviously, I'm not as thin as I once was A Facant Fant My dad wouldn't let me hear that word. It's an old English word. Yeahah So you can say it's probably in Chauca or something. Yeah Chaa the second. I try and not have bread. Yeah, right But if it's for katchchup, I've got to haveb it. Yeah, I've got to have it You know, with oil and salt and pepper and all that F' f fackamure. I'm trying to Culture Yeah For catcha is for catcher. Yeah f.. Yeah, as Jules has said.. When So sorry, from what you've said about like growing up, I'm guessing you weren't always a for catcher guys. So when did you discover for catcher? I think when I was about I twenty two. Yeah. And I went to Italy and they had this bread of You know, because you'll Naturally conservative, aren't you? I don't have to look at that and then went in my mouth and that was it. Heaven. It's like the first time you have chocolate, isn't it? I remember Dawn French telling me about her. Daughter who's like sitting there and she gave her this thing You know, she couldn't even speak yet, but she was obviously looking at it and think, well, is this a poo? Yeah, you get a brown poo. putut it in her mouth and her eyes just went You know, it was the Garden of Eden. Yeah ye. it was just that moment, you know, and Fcati was a bit like that. I love it. I'm imagining it was Terrys chocolate orrange Gotta beef his fat to be Terry's chocolate orange if it's in French, right? Yes. that's all they have in. they had. That was in her contract. you got given to your daughter Yeah baby. Yeah, give a say of this for your baby right now. Yeah. now. You going into it. Tell as many people as you can how much you loved it. tell how he feel was big They used to make that when I was at university, they made that around the corner. Tay. Yeah, I was the University of York and the Terry's factory was and the Round Terry's factory Which one smelled nicer? Yeah. did you get the smells stight? No There was The smells were terrible becauseet I don't know how they make gelatine, but they used to say it was like calves hooves. Yeah, I should make sure. I think there is a bit smelt to a bit of that. It's smellt of food. There' also breweries, so it smells of that Oh dear. The hops's fine. Yeah ye. The hop smell is not good. The first time I went to Edinburgh and you can just smell the hops drifting over. I learnnt to love that smell, but it's pretty disgusting. Is that where you were at? No, no, no, but just doing the festival going up every year. I was at university in Durham and I don't think we had any factories. No factories. Nearby just a prison Well don't you just get prison smell? Yes. Have you been to prison Never been to never Have I ever been to prison? Not yet? No, not yet. sorry, not yet yet. And we don't know because this is four months' time. I be in prison, be in prison? Well exactly. and you know, these days one's past comes back to O a bit. Yes, all my murders.ood and some stuff that you got away with but yeah, yeah, watch out. No. People could go down your Twitter time and find that tweet you did. Yeah I've kill I've killed again. Yeah. Yeah yeah. J another murder, lo it. Come and see my show this weekend emoji. But yeah, I used to live pretty near Durham prison near a prison in Durham. Yeah, so sort of lived down the road from Rose West for a bit. Really? That's nice. Yeah? Yeah, she's one of my neighbours.ow. Gosh, but you never got to meet her. No never went there. No, no no. And she was a home budy She was. Well, I'll just tell you something if I'm going to give a plug not only to my tour. I'm going on tour now all around the country, please. But also if you want to smell hops in Edinburgh and no better hops to smell than coming from Barney's brerewery. Barney's. Barney's beer is one of the best beers you could possibly have in the world, especially his volcanic IPA that's might the favor of it, but he does load Oh It's my brother in law. Oh good. But I'm being truthful about this. Yes. And when Paul and I went on tour, there was a beer snob and you know part of the crew he was a proppper. He knew all his beers and all that So have you ever had Bonny Sar said no, so I got some and Oh my God, this is amazing. So every week Barney' send down another greatpe beer for the tour. When you gave the beer not Barney's beer, was it like Dawn French giving her Yes. Daught with a chocolate? It was. Yeah. his little eyes L that. This is amazing. So anyway, that's my Barney's beer Yeah, nice, shout out Let's start your menu proper now. Okay. Your dreams finisher. You finished your water? Yeah, you plug that down, it the catcher, Dipping it in the oil. Yes Is a single data? Oh that bit sol in there of course Oysterers place Oysters. It's been a while since we've had a shout out for oysters really? It It's always I love oysters. Yeah. M me and my friends Paul and Dan sometimes we just we have dinner? I don't feel like it's like. I thought we' go to the oyster bar. Oh yeah, okay We go there, oysters and chips. Quite often we just have that You know, that's that's it Yeah with the just S about an oyster slugging down your throat, I just love Some people find that. awful as idea, right? Yeah. But I think once you've had it once you get over that initial thing of the texture, it's beautiful. Well, my kids used to hate hate oysters they, you know, exactly that Yeah But once they finally tried them, now they have them all You know, so I go because there's a place place in Cornmore place down the road where they there's a nis to farm, basically, if you walk around the coast, there's a niceer farm So I go to the farmer and buy twelve oysters for sort of acres. You're buying them from source. Yeah. Wow, that's cool. And they take them back with shakam Ill love Shie. Got a great image now of the first time your kids tried oysters and like you've sat them down, they got the oysters and then knock on the door. cert policemen Y car's been nicked. Oh yeah, come on in. Yeah come on come in. Oh give kids eat oysters. lookook at absolutely. Yeah. watchatch your kids watching your show. Hey. You're going to love both of these things. Yes, you will. Now watch me laugh and eat oysters. So you're home shocking Yeah. You're a home shucker. Are you good at that? I mean, it's quite I've done it. I've tried it. it's a tricky little thing Yeah. But my youngest daughter now is brilliant attic. Oh, they She works at a fish restaurant, you see? Oh nice. Yeah bam, bam, bam. She's opened O any shellfish Yeah, you know, lobsters, everything. ff. It must be good having like You know your children works in a restaurant. It's very useful. I mean I don't live with her anymore. She's twenty three, but You know Let me get oystishes. Danny Coiss slug down your throat, aren't they? Yeah. little bit of u just the seawater ugging So you're just you're just the most pure thing. Yeah, basically, isn't it? becauseuse it's like Well, they don't do anything. You know, you have a steak They got to get a cow, they got to go lookook that way, bam. They got to do all this stuff to it. Yeah And they say look and then it ends up at Tesco'os or whatever Yeah with an oyster There it is. Yeah open it up. Yeah. You don't have to distract an oyster. Yeah Noob one's ever had to distract a h I'm sure they're fully distracting the cows to be honest Well I'm not sure they're bothering. Well Tel Grandon sorted it all out Temple Grandon. It was it was mad with the cows for ages Tot to like, you know the cows all is chaotic and not very nice, distressing for the cattle. Yeah. And Temple Grandon come up with a machine that kind of like hugs them gently feels quite nice for them and keeps them very still and calm and then they can bolt them in their head and kill them So I know that. Yeah. this is who is Temple Grandes? Temple Grandud was I think she grew up on a farm Yeah. and a film Claire Danes played her in a film a film. Yeah. She was basically able to just She likes like the feeling of being now these hug. Yeah, so there's like a temple grounded like squeeze machine that people like to use as well. especially that bolt in their the head. Yeah, they're there. They feel nice or they bolt them in their head. Is it like when you have your foot measured at clarks Yes and they bolt you I got a nice feeling. That nice feeling. Yeah ye. that You know what When we have assisted dying, I would like that. the temple Grandon assisted dying Yeah we get this lovely cuddle from this Yeah, they could be great big sort of rubbery hands, you know, you want big rubber that would relax you. You would like a big rubber hand, nice and then Yeah ye. That. Mr Dad, Mrter Dad. Yeahah, Mr. Dad. How many do you watch this Well, Itpends how hungry are I went six, please. Six Iock oysters, you said. Yeah, I have a couple of rock hysterss, a couple of Lindersvaghn. you know, I don't know, you choose the other side She know In I once went to the forum in Rome with my son. and you know, we learnt all this stuff and did all this stuff. And in the Roman days, they had fire dgs going the whole way from France all the way down to Rome with cultures to oysters in them. Wow Yeah, so they come across the sea plunk them in there It was like You know, so Amazon I whushed the whole way to the fum in Rome. Oh wow. So you'd have them the next day. That's amazing. That isazing Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bring it back. Yeah, well, that was And then of course that was the end civilization very soon after that. Yeah. the Roman civilization, so, you know And now we got Emerson good isnt? I wouldn't be ordering oysters on Amazon though, would you? No, I don't trust that. I don't use Amazon. No. especially notf. Well, he's looking good Donald Trump and now, he is He's insane. He's like O MCar. Oh I just don't like these people. No. Sorry about that. Well, it's all right. I think you're on safe turf.. So you're having six oysters Do you please. Are you swallowing or is it one bite then down? Oh no, I go crunch, crunch And you always put your eyes back? Yeah, yeah, I do. So When I go down and pull eat oysters telling a story and then Oh God, that was good. Gand. Yeah. And then lots of white wine. Yes. Oh yeah, white wine with the oysters I took about wine Well we normally do drink later on, but if you want to pair something specific, not, o G better gladon I wasm still on the fizz water then. Yeah. I' still looking the fizz water. I soon to have fizzy water and oysters a glass of wine. Okay I've had six of them. they've slugged down my slug straight down. Yeah, yeah. likeike a slug. Yeah you have ever eaten a slug? No, I can't say. But if someone told me that Like with oysters that they're a delicacy Yeah, I probably would eat sl Yeah, yeah, yeah. ye. think I would. I had a friend whose daughter, she was really So pretty little girl of about two. And she's like toddling around It was in France one summer, I never forget But she did like a slug a snail. And then shed come in this. Pretty little face to go. like that and you see this black thing too And she had a terrible stomach upset every day. because one day she came and he thought, Oh great, she hasn't got an iceer. and then you saw these little legs thes of spiders then. A really big one. Yeah yeah Oh my yeah. a little pair of grills. Yeah. Yes. Well, yeah, I don't believe that I've seen that thing He did with a fish like that Bllx. Yeah. So I just don't believe it. Yeah. Well Elevant The great thing is Elevant is he's baptized Russell B. Yeah. Yeah That's bit. That's a bit Dave Nice says. Yeah, I got in trouble for something Yep little mucking around with somebody and then I discovered Jesus. Is that guirl like that? Did you? Yeahah. Wh' that other blat did? It was in the Thames as well. I I bet he came out looking like that little girl with a loads of like cockles in his mouth. Y. actuallyually it's the Thames. Probably turds. Yeah. Probably turds. Like a turds in his mouth. Do you like sitting in the Thames Y Rusle brands getting baptized they are do? Yeah yeah dopping a few We were on Hammers Smith Bridge where our ar is hung over the headedge. Yeah. Your dream b of course, Harry Yes, I've rather got off it now. What I would like to thinkk is Cckco Van Yeah. I Differe kind of cock, I mean, pigs cock Yeah, yeah. ye, yeah, penis. Yeah. Big p. penies Yes The Ct scoop one Yeah. The Ct scp. Yes I'd like Pig Scott. and I'll tell you why because I once didid this program? It's terrible sorory. I'll try and keep it quick. No. I haven't thought about it. I think you're going I think you're really gonna have to explain this one, Harry So Eactically there used to be this is about twenty years ago and a group of four of us mates used to go out to a posh restaurant every month Yeah and one would pay each time it's my turn your turn. Yeah It's not ed Berardo's Bos banadas. the great banados smone, right? bananas. So we go to these swanky restaurants and of course everyone wants to You know being nice generous. so they're always really nice restaurants cost of forte So I'd arranged to go somewhere And then the phone went and it was someone saying, do you want to come on this Could you you couldn't possibly tonight Come on a Gordon Ramsay show set in a restaurant, I don't what it was Okay, Rius, Jonathan Ross pulled out or something exxactly And I went, okay, and I said, we'll give you five gams You didn't tell my mate. Yeah. I said, Well, what do I have to do? He said, you just have to have a meal, they're going to cook a meal for you in this Ramsay restaurant, right? then Gord will come and have a chat for you for ten minutes, but meal and wine is free. So I rang everyone up and said, I've managed to wangle a deal on this show So rather than paying, I was getting fced. Yeah St still never told shit. And yeah, so we go along, we have a lovely meal, the four of us you know jaba jaba. And after a bit, and oh yeah, the guy who did it, you know, I'd to speak to a researcher and said, What's your favourite food? I said Japanese it was at the time, you know, I v these things. and Okay, that was that. So Gordon came over at some point, little chat to camera. He said, Now you like Japanese food? Okaykay, we're going to blindfold you and give you some Japanese food. He gave me something that was disgusting. and it turned out it was like this green sick And it was from a fish. that they they feed it with grain or something. and then they leave it to rot for about a month. and then they eat what's in its garden. Yeah Really really not very nice. So The second thing he gave me was like and of course there all these other people in the restaurant, the Telly restestaurant. And I have a bite and they're all going ' they put up on the screen, what it is? this is delicious. So it's like a sauce it's absolutely delicious. And then they took the blind ped off and said, Gess what you know, Gordon said, Guess what? That is his pig's cock You know, and and of course being on Teddy, you go Oh no. Yeah, you know, and but u Yeah, it was nice. but because I'd gotten all no you know, Fate telli. Yeah. and then as soon as he'd gone Danny, my mate, o I think he was still talking. Danny's a can ey of it. And he ate a lot. By the time we'd finished talking, Danny hadd eaten the whole pict all the thing. and I regret it Yeah. I regret I didn't eat the whole thing. Yeah. ye. So you would like Pigs cockco van for your dream me. Yeah. Are you I think so. The only celebrity is constantly trying to on, I'm a celebrity, getet me out of it. Just for the food. getet me they won't have me. Yeah., they just won't have me. People say, Oh, you get a hundred grands or something. I think that they say, We w' only give you two pea. Yeah. Yeah. Not two new penas as we call it. Take your mates with you and don't tell them you're getting a hundred grands. They'll be so grateful. That's a good idea. We're having dinner in Australia tonight, lads Yeah, we're having slugs and snails. Puppy dog's tails. U It's a picked cocker van, That's great. Is allowed? Is any ever chosen human No, not yet. I'm sure it's going happen one day.. Just people do you think there's people who are just curious about eating human? I just love the idea that actually it's delicious. Yeah and nicer than pork because I love pork. Yeah. You know, I really love Paul. I think it's fastly underbated. Yeah. Pul because's so cheap when he goes to the butcher It's che. You don't know that ' you're millionaires Yeah, I know it's cheap. No. So yeah, I probably have in a little what or a little juice, they called it Yeah,. So you have the penis and there's a little jew coming out the end. comoming out the end It just remind you what it is. T tastefully. Yeah your plate, you know, decorated. 'cause it's round like that and then you have it Coming from the end of it justissing around the plate. Yeah, a nice setort of family So nice. Yeah. ye. just Ao, very nice. Thank cllassy. C Can I I forgot There's another course I'd like before Oh okay before f domain before the cock h.. Okay.. Well what is it Well, it's truffle pasta. It's my favourite thing in the world. Lovely. Oh yeah you can have a pasta course I think p courseles. I do like truffles. think I think it's been overdone in the sort of fake truffle world, the synthetic truffle oil. Yes. Yeah. I think it can be a bit overdone, but real truffles very nice. a lovely treat Oh Yeah. You see, George Y look is Eie this cook a friend H and the truffles. He once cooked for a bama fix Yeah. he was out in Sicily, Georgio and like He used to come to his restaurant Latelli Yeah A Bermovich occasionally and suddenly he gets to call his assistants Yeah know, Bravic would like you to come and cook on his boat and show his people how to So Jia gets. taken out to this boat, how to cook truffles and him shows them how to make truffle pasto like he does And then say Roman would like to come and say thanks. so he goes up on deck to have a fag and there's T helicopter pads One one n, one the other. Yeah. this boat And he comes up and, Oh, thank you very much. You know, Roman comes up bl blah So a cask is something, Wh two helicopter bs? He goes peopleople have luggage And it? Well, see. How many helicocks ps? Yeah you could do. None. I'm on zero at the moment. I've got I've gott to say, yeah, and I'll just take my luggage with me a lot of the time. Yeah. yeah, I don't need a separate. I do the same. Yeah yeah. I go by moped. Yeah. You do go by moped. I did I came here today on my moped. On your moped. But truffle past the science Beautiful. Do you like truffles? I do. and I mean like head. Yeah. likeike ye ye, beforefore I did this podcast, I'd never had truffles in my life And then started having these fancy meals Trauffveler is incredible. Now I'm at the point where I'm like, more truffers But like I went to a restaurant the other day called Perilla, which I think of' a great restaurant. I've been speaking up quite a lot.' in Stoke Newington had an incredible meal. I was very, very enthusiastic. but like the dessert I just looked it said, sticky toffee puddin I' quite excited about that. No wrong It turned out it was black truffle sticky toffee pudding with black truffle ice cream. And I was like, o, I'm not sure about that actually. It was incredible. Whatas it? It was incredible, Harry. So when you say to me at this point in my life, do I like truffle? I'm back on board. Yeah. Yeah I' back as long as it's sticky toffee pudding. long as's with a sticky toffee pudding in the People think it tastes of sockx. Sure, my girlfriend says it smells of jizz. Yeah Itell jiz. That's what she said. She says it smells of jizz And so that's quite a nice lead into the pigscock, then, isn't it? Yeah. Really?? Yeah yeah, it sort of the matter. It's nice to know what your jish smells like. Yeah. It's quite a trruffled. Gormageiz. Yeah, there's a lot of women who love truffled. lovey guy? Very hackney, very stoight. Yeah. I do truffled jers you' really come up in the world. No the truffle paster is a wonderful addition. I've made it at home once Because yeah, my wife loves truffle pasta. We'd been to that restaurant Gloria, do you know, Gloria in Shordditch. an Italian restaurant. They do a really nice truffle pasta And I looked up the recipe and orered ordered a truffle. Dellivery online online. Got it delivered to the house Yeah A lovely black truffle. A lovely black truffle. bought a truffle shaver as well Wow Obviously you've never needed the truffle sha ever since. I imagine you're probably knowing you've sliced your finger open on it, I do that a lot. That for you. Yeah, let me have a look. Well can you see my thumb there? There's a line there. Yes. Yeah, that is a scar from a Daphin wir' accident. Oh, I'm sorry. I only have your hands are al right, though, aren't they?, They're all right generally, yeah. Are you happy with your hands? I think so. I mean, there's not much I can do now,? the same hands as the king 've you got the fingers. littleittle fat sausages, little stubby fingers. Y, like he's madejest to you seles. Yours look less of a medical worry though, I would say. H look like they're about to pop off. Oh, well, that's kind of you, but I'm not quite his age. when I am I? They'll probably pop off. Yeah. Have a little thatve done Your dreams side dish then, Harry. Oh Well, I do like Halter. What's that Basically like greens,'s a bit like spinach or something but it's Greek or they do it in Greece and they called it Halter and it's delicious. You know, it's just a bit garlic and all that. so I love a bit of that. Yeah. But basically I tri to be good because I'm a fuckant now. So with my pas Ccka there I should like some water or you know, the usual broccoli with bits of ye, ye bit on it, you know, chilli Yeah chilli you that stuff. Yeah. All the greens. Yeah. rightight, I'd like a bit of that on the side or cabbage on the side please. And then they say, wouldould you like any chipes Yes. Yeah. You can't stop it You love chips.riple This triple fried things. Yeah. Yeah. When did they start that? It's great, isn't it? Yeah Yeah. you get quadruple fried chips. I'm sure could. I'm sure you could. There's a gap in the market for that, isn't there? But then it's an arms race. then when does it end?? Exactly. You know, then then we're having fifty times cooked chips, you know? I think it's a Heston thing, you know Heston start The triple the triple cook triip feels like a Heston thing. Does it? Yeah Sorry if I'm wrong, but they They like they' p booiling then doing once in the oil for a little bit, taking them out, letting them rest, and then frying them for a final time. I really want one now. Yeah's kind of. Yeah yeah.' a dog I think it's very nice that you're having greens that you like to have to have the greens ' you have the greens. But the chips, the chips are going to be on this menu as well. You sitting there think, well, I'll just have two. Yeah Recently I had d lunch with some mates, including Trevor Eve. Do you know the very bad actor ot bad act I mean bad man. Yeah, I'm aware of Tref, yes We get some chips. So I got some chips. He ate them all. Yeah except for two So you sorry, I'm missing your chips That's sort of what you want,ough isn't?cause you only want to have two, ch? Yes, you do. It's like girls, like Ben used to do a routine. It was brilliant. Ben out Yeah Bito No Ben Elton. That wasn't in his mag. about chips and how he'd ordered chips. his girlfriend' f his man would not order chairs. said Girls don't order chairs. theyirl can have one of yours. Yeah I'll buy you your own imp of cheairs. Just don't touch mine Can't you have your own Yeah, is it? But I'm not like that. I'm much nicer than Ben. Yeah. So I'd obviously go, yes, please have a chip. Yeah. So the triple cooked are your favorite way to have chips? Yeah, my most favoritest. So when you'd have the oysters with your friends? Chips. Yeah. Is that triple cooked or is that I imagine that's more french fries. Yeah, No, no. Well, they can be. you're right But it's this one pub we go to. downstairs oysters and proper chips Yeah But they you don't want you go into a chip and there's just fluff in there. You don't want that properate with Nice case and hardly any potato. you just want all crisp and oil Oh my artter is nice and hard. you know, like is cement. I'm glad someone says is, isn't it? Yeah I want shitty cement fall down. Yeah, you want to be dry Yeahour body' a temple. Yeah. So get that cement in there. buildild it nice and strong temple. Build it nice and strongly Be the broad opinion on chips seems to be the accepted opinion is crispy on the outside and really fluffy and potatoy in the middle. But I'm glad someone's saying this. I just want the crisp all the way through. I want a bag of crisp. Well, that's why you but yes. Yeah, exxactly but I want to pay more. Yeah. Th for a bag of Chris. And hot you reassingly expensive. Y. Yeah, yeah. If you get a good one. Yeah. Beautiful. Sorry, one thing we haven't talked about yet is music. Yes, of course. Like in this restaurant is there music? Yeah. It's up to you. I mean, it's your dream restaurant. I don't want music No, there isn't Well, it's to say that, I'm deaf. Yeah. prettyretty deaf If I go into a restaurant and there's music, I always say, couldould you turn it down? I'm deaf whichich works these days Yeah because it's like a disability and they go, fuck we better turn it down Well get into trouble, wouldn't we? Yeah with the woke police. Yeah If that's what they thinkin That's what they're thinking. With the woke brigadees, we have they have absolutely no way that they're thinking that. They're going forgot to. Could you turn it down he' death. Thank you. But I like to be able to, you know, the whole point of being in a restaurant is bit your chums and You have a bit of food and you talk rubbish, don't you? Yeah. And if I can't hear the rubbish that's coming out of their mouth, there's no. Yeah, you want to hear the rubbish n music in the dream restaurant. Especially in a restaurant with lots of hard surfaces and everything's like echoing off each other and st. When you start an app? I don't know how to do this, but I want an app. called here to Eat. Yeah. H EAR to he eat. Yes. Yeah And you get five stars if there's no music, there's tablecloths There's like padded walls like in my cell you know, so that I can actually hear Yeah, you know, and it's a real boat. there's a Do you know, Trllo Yes., I love Chllo. I mean Bry Russia But there's a new kind of the chef who started that restaurant called Buru, which is brilliant in Coven Garden The tables are far enough apart that you can talk without them hearing what you say. Yeah, great So even though there's no music, though there is a bit of music there, they need to turn it out. So that would be that would be what four point five stars on here to eat. Yeah reckon. Yeah yeah four point five. I think this is good because more and more now I'm thinking, I hate. not being able to hear what people are saying. And also, if I can't hear what people are saying in a situation I do not have the like strength of character to say, could you repeat it? I just agree You see I do the same now. Okay, yeah, ye. And they it's a bit like this person, I just a guess. Yeah And they said you but would J end Yeah goes ye yeah, very good. Yeah yeah. And then they go, what I you see you're young a. You too, young You might not think you are, but you are. when you get My mom is ninety five and she's completely w. So and she's really annoying You know Because you say, do you want a cup of tea? She goes What? Would you like a cup of tea, M I said, Oh, yes, lovely. then You get up and the way you do is a go, I'll put the catalog. she goes, What? I just said I'd put the kettle on. the what The cattle You know, and it it's and I'm getting there. Yeah. And it happens later because I swim in the Hampsord ponds, Highgate ponds I've got static types in my ears Static types, you grow them because they've got tiny little hearing aids you can get now that go in and apparently they're very good. Yes. Everyone says you must get them. They cost a fortune but they're worth having. I know So I went to get them fitted. They said, no you've got big Bone stalactites have grown in your ears Do you do a lot of freshwater swimming? And I said, Well, yeah, I said, A, that's what it is. And you can have them chopped off, but it's very painful and takes a long for I'd sooner not hear what you're saying. So you swim so much in Hampstead Pnds that your e like a little cave Yes,. A little cave like that, you see. I don't know what it does. It might be the sort of I don't know the rotting corpses at the bottom, lovevely That's off the Yeah or something, you know The vocill. Yeah I don't know, but anyway it happens. Swim down to the bottom for a bite to eat Swim down to the bottom for a bite to eat. Yeah ye. Yeah, a bottom feeder.' a little bottom feeder. Yeah exactly. So you can't have the fancy hearing aids fitted because because you've got stalic tits in your e Yes. Yeah. ye.'s another reason for why I want to here to eat. Yeah T toat's a great idea. It's a good idea I think it's a good idea. I think you're going M maybe regret. putting it out in the podcast because Someone could steal that idea. I don't mind You just want to use it, don't you? You don't want to I don't mind, you know, people would say like there' say A couple called CovD and Perry who go around doing gigs as Kevin and Perry. Right. And they look like Kevin and Perry and they post little videos of themselves and they look great Yeah. People say, what do you think Kevin and Perry? They' making this money out of you. I hats off to you. I'm not doing it. Yeah. Yeah yeah. You know, we're not doing it. So you do it and they go out, you know, I met someone the other day, a Scottish DJ and he goes gigging with them in Ebitha, they go out to Fair enough, you know, so someone could be here to eat.. I would love that. Yeah. Great. Maybe the same people. What if the same people did it? Then we just start taking it personally. Karen and Perry's here to eat. Yeah Yeah. I mean, I'd draw the line, you know, if I found them in bed with my partner dress as Kevin Perry. Y. So yeah Kevin and Perry we could do this go we Yeah. Oh yeah, sorry, yeah. hats off to you. Yeah. I to and Iight. I thoughtought the house and out of truffles. Yeah. Yeah, I thought say someone smell. Oh know.. Sorry, Harry.. That was really fun because Harry was like ard heard you eventually and then jumped on board and immediately jump back off the board again. it's not going around the static tyightes eventually. Yeah. Oh he just said' my housebzages Your dream drink now. You hinted at white wine earlier and then you said, No, I' had the fizzy water with my oysters, but like arere we gonna see some wine here for your dream drink? Yeah? I like a nice bot of Chardonnay. I'm afraid I'm a Chardonnay person. I think it's back in now. Is like a Saby? Yeah. you know, that's my favourite East Chardne Yeah think it's got a bit bite to it. It's nice fly. Yeah. Yeah so I like and I find I I'm more intelligent when I've had a couple of balls of that. Oh, that's good. Yeah Two bottles, then what do you start talking about after two bottles of that don' want to know. but I think they're the place yeah, pollocks, I think where you make the cheers Yeah. Yeah, no, It cheers me out Yes. Yeah Who white has likes. Montra sh. This't gooseet And if I go to a restaurant and see it there, I think, o, M say. And then it always says three hundred and eightyQid or something. Whitehouse is splashing the cash out. Yeaht do that. She f to do that because she goes fishing with Bob. Is the second time you've made out that you've not got any cash? No I've got no cash. I don't believe that. How much am I getting paid to do this? I can tell you. Fuck. You're m a fortune? they make a fun they're like Kevin and Perry and we are like Kevin like Kevin and Perry. twow people started doing Yeah, James and Ed going around doing that menu. we were sue them to hell. It could be becausecause you gota touch the old jeans, haven't you? Yeah yeah Yeah, yeah. You could be Kevin and Perry. Yeah you could be Perry. I could be Perry. Yeah. easy ye. You've got lovely so for optimistic eyes like that. I do. ye, yeah. And your with jin. you can. Put your gins. Put your hats on the other way. Yeah, yeah Yeah you go. c. Wh say. That's my line, is my momum. You can rip my line off there. Yeah. Well, my dad wouldn't let me watch Kevin and Perry sketch yourself No Sorry. before you arrived, Herry, I was just talking to James about I think regularly about when Perry has been to Manchester. Oh yeah. That was one of I was on recently because of OC. Because of O acis at that went Roundy last it was going. Yeah see, I'm not on social media so Yeah to tell me. Yeah, it went around again because because of that saying all the people showing up to OSIS gigs like theyd really know who they are and stuff. It was great It was really good. That was sort of based on me, really, that skch. Yeah when I was about fifteen and. You know, went to see the class gotot to talk to them back, you know, who right You Jo Trubber? Yeah, I You know, I came back I talk like that and never wanted a proper job. Yeah. You don't want a blling job. No. I got a boring job and it turned out I never got a booing job Yeah Yeah, except for today. He's got us. U felt good to be got there. Yeah, fel good. fel good favorite class song, you got a favorite class song or album First albet Dfinitely Because that was formative for me. that's a punk right So I know every word Yeah, be sure. Oh nice. Yeah, we're not playing in the restaurant though, no music I don't want tona any music in the restaurant. Yeah. E the clash, even the first clash album. Well there's no, yeah He'soughbody jking on a roll. He's enoughbody Jangees wool. He'ough if we getone w. either one no bunch up no. I don't think so much. No s. But also you have to do you know you father you. go Maybe you'reready carver, Yeah. Yeah. No, you know every word Not said one word yet. yeah, go ye, you know. You're just square. I s I' been square. I'm so s you're square becausecause you're not a punk, Yeah, that's true That's true. I'm not a punk. It was great being punk. You see, when you're fifteen and a virgin and angry. Yeah you know. Yeah, best. You know, songs come out like GLC by Menace Do you know that goes? No, go J'll see, J'll see. ChelseC ChelseC. You're full of shit shit sheititse. What's your name? What's your game? Master Bait, Magter Straight. I was basically See'll see by menace. You were in heaven. You're in heaven when I was. Because you know, before that was all, you see you on the dark side of the moon Yeah and all this ye. Yeah. suddenly you go you fru shate shate. Good right, right We arrive at your dream dessert. Yeah, there's no music.ert. No music. No music. Oh yeah, Dream desserts. for silentlyor bringer dessert. Therey men's to search You know, this kind of what are you talking about I'm talking about this Apple Charlte Eve pudding. Oh, I get. Do you know what I mean? With a male spotted dick Victoria Sponge. Spotted Dick, Spotted Dick. Spotted Dick. Ecellent. Yeah, excellent. Spotted Dick, I'd like spotted Dick. C you're a man. Well, well, I've just had cockan. You you just had cocko van. Yeah pererfect. Yeah. So truffle jz. Juice, Juz. Yeah. And now I'd like sppotted Dick What a lovegh spotted dick You never, I mean, I'm going to be quite full now because I've had travel pasta and I've eaten all the fkaca. They brought a big plate of it I thought I'd just have a little bite, I've eaten a lot. Yeah. And you had the oysters, which had the Aroidiziac. So there's a chance that the pig stick's going to be Bonerific. Yeah. I am good. fully boned. I'll tell you, I'm gonna go home man I'm gonna be like that,? Yeah yeah. I think my fat I then kept and Parery walk out of the mardrobe. Yeah We got here first for. Okay. I think the oysters only work as an Nphrodiziak if you don't then eat forcatcha, pasta and pigs dick and spotted dick. I've never I found that to be the case. Yes, yeah, yeah. You' got leave it at the oysters And not my carry on eating yes. That just the c D and ye indeed So I'm having spotted Dck apparently. Lovely Yeah with a plustard. Well I mean, what I'd really like is o dw buub Oh we got crumbble Malcolm Welcome Well just ye immensely withith Colin Custard. Yeah. Oh, that would be good, isn't it? Yeah. Rhubar Crumble, Malcome with C ollen custard? Well, this is this is a poollen custard because in a Ph restaurant they don't just say Cin custard do they? With a Cin custard. Y. Yeah, it's gonna to be A justan. Yeah,'s put that. It does make it feel fancy, but I don't know why. you pay an extra ten quid for that Yeah. Yeah. And they come and pointed it with their little finger just to show you where everything is. Yeah. it is Cing castard on the sideite Realel Malcolm Yeah, and some Jamesstress. No Oh, thank you I think we can, you know, this is the dream restaurant, so I think we can bring you a than you Rubub Crumble Malcolm. Yeah It's a particular malcolm you're thinking of? No No you know, I just like the name. don't ye? You don't see it around much anymore. There's no new malcolms being made Clives. Or Clives. I'm sure everything comes back round, right? But when is Jane coming back Jane It's Jane No one's being No one's being been called Jane Really? No Susan Or Susan because these are like And they're the first names I think of if someone says thinkink of a lady's nameam is season orent. Anne. Yes, you see, or I am. Yeah. My sister, who's called Susan had a phle. There you go. You know, it was a big, big back in that's your mcle Die D. You see you don't get younger to you You don't get young dianers. No, you don't No, No. Yeah, die Princess lady die.'s your mum in it. That's why you were Jgin.Q Queen of Mart, Harry. An. Queen of Hearts, mother My son is. Yes. W he that to play it? Yeah. When he was growing up, I used to I had a little rhyme. I can't quite remember. It was something some people Some children scream, some children winge But the children that know one change T your kid yourid to your son And he likes that. enjoyed that for his dad. He just got So, you know And they'd be like,, Kevin, but you will find. neither of you have children do? No You will find that you know man love is difficult. I mean, maybe your generation, but my dad, you know, I think about three times in his life he win. L that. Yeah sure. And you know, these days you sort of how didd you do man love? You know, you give him a hug Beuse you give everyone a hug Yeah those days don't you? Mainly I show my love by taking the piss out So that they do it back to me Well I know that they're cross with me done something wrong if they're not taking the pit What are the piss taking things they say about you How do they get you? Just look. I mean, look at it. So last time I went to a restaurant with Archie. He hadn't arrived yet, my son And then my phone goes like that and it's a picture of my bald head. he's got So he's taking it through the wind. Yeah. same you know,' that? Yeah It's nice, but that is man love to me Yeah the English way. goinging, I love you is just to America and I never do that. Yeah didid Joe used to say that when you were kids? No. Would Joe say to his parents I love you mum and dad? I don't know I said we love you Joe I would do myself to some sw. my m In his mouth M love. Yes. B Nackub and best manning everything kitchen warmhouse and Two tenennis. Wow. Neither of them were black and white. They were both color and you were allowed them on. Wow Right Rather than half an hour, you know, like your d, you go and watch Harry andville Yeah It's nine o'clock, you wicked boy You know, he's awful and I don't know why we pay our license fe. Yeah. Yes, go to bed or. Exact you. Exactly what your dad said, right? Yeah, would be exactly like that. No, My dad was loving it. It was watched Yeah He would watch her on his own Yeah And then so you can watch this bitit. Yeah, yeah, love that. Yeah. that was Yeah. and I had to start it out at school I'm sorry if I had a video cassette of it, I'd give you one I think I've still got a video cassette. H you? A my momum's house, yeah Yeah. Well the Harry and Lulily sketches all ye yeah. He loves Harry and L I love Harry and Lulily. Really? So violent. But how old were you then Well, when that series came out When was that? like late nineteen nine. Yeahah. Yeah. I probably was Yeah The Kind of one that really took off out of that was Teddy Tubppbies M because we did a sketch very early on called English for Aliens And we all dressed up in these big fat things but with glasses Yeah. And it was like words, like tea the word is tree we got g tree Go. No tree. And then I think Charlie he T. And then wed talk T T T T Okay. And People used to tell me after that, they said, my kid, my little two year old, my little toddler, they just love watching that. They want to watch that all the time. Yeah. Th years they said, Tuddy tubies came out. And it's exactly the same. Literally exactly the same. this the same aerials on head. This is gonna to happen with ha to eat As well Yeah. Yeah, That's it, you see, I'm a trailblazer. You are. Yeah, yeah. Having said that, that wasn't my idea, English for aliens, it was Charlie', I think. Oh, which is why I mean, famously Charlie Higson gives himself the most amount of dialogue. When he writes a sketch Does he? Yeah. Well, I think that is so that he gives himself the word the one word. It's a reaction to my show because when we did our show together, I wouldn't let him be in it. Right. Okay Charie your shit. Paul, you can do it. No, Charlie, your shit, you can't do it So he's like, Paul, can we do our own show? and can I be in it? Paul's going, Yeah. very qu any very quick sketch everyveryone Everyone, you know, Harry won't let us do, like, o, Sot J sir. Can we do them on themselves? Yeah workored out worked out really well. worked out really well. Yeah yeah. And yeah, every sketch that Charlie Higgs iss a monologue by him Yes, the black, the black. And then someone else. Yeah, ye yeah ye, all those things where it's like I mean, they're really funny But once it's pointed out to you, you go, oh yeah, a Charlie Higson sketch is a Charie Higson monologue I read a manu back to. I loved him. What's he called Bob Fmning Bob playing b and clearing his throat all the time. And Ted you know, Ted Maal, sorry. Yeah I was swiss tal, Charlie Oh yeah. so wrong He did you Yeah But maybe you know didn't do maybe without your tough man love. Yeah he wouldn't have become what he became. Yes. Yeah, he would have known Still a failed, well, not failed ye. semi successful pop star Yes. he was. I bought his single when it first came out. It was Record of the Week, his first single. The. T to sing that one on the MME. Do I sing that one Do you mind? Yeah. Billiey. Oh too Ao where live we monkeys? Aow where live we mean What? L be anybody? I don What? You on the mood L me. L can you remember all the words for that as well? That's amazing It was like before It was funk meets punk. Yeah, ye. I love it. Right before trouble fununk and all them.. They were doing like little funky sort things And their first record got record a week and after that Every record they had out was just paned Yeah. I don't know why. They were just like, I don't know what happened there But I actually drove them to their gigs in the early days when I was Do doulight with my friend Brian earn a bit of money, I would say driver, we went to Asworth University drive the van for them Yeah, so rody Yeah. And what was that first single called? What was the band called? I don't want to live with monkeys by the Higsons. G If you look at it that immediately Yeah, well, you can look it up on the onn the spotify and you will see it. I excited. I didn't know that exist. Well, you don't know much, then do you Reent man you're back now. T me what you think of it? You would like fizzy water You would like for catcha with olive oil and salts You want six oysters, including Rock and Lindersfarne with Tabasco You want truffle pasta? You want a pigs cocker van You would like hotter broccoli with chili, cabbage and triple cooked chips on the side Drink a bottle of Shapley and dessert rhubarb crumble Malcolm with a cullin custard Thank very much. Perfect. How's that sound? That sounds good What about coffee? or don't we do that? Oh you can have a coffee after. What kind of coffee do you like? I like a double espresso detf if it's the evening. Yeah other I don't sleep Yeah yeah, we can bring that over. I mean because it's a dream restaurant. And what about u you know, petty force. Oh yeah. I can have some petty force. Yeah What are your favourite tyes of petty fors? I like one chocolate and one jelly. One Jenny one. Yeah, yeah. We'll bring you one foon jelly. Patty Force. Would you like a patty one? I've brought you something You' brought something This' an envelope that's beenes, that's been on the table for aarriage. Okay. Yes. There we go For Edin James, happappy twentieth of March, but it's not the twentieth of March, remember No Sorry, do it again. Okay. of November For Edin James, happappy Of October. than you I put in the envelope. So there's a petty one in here. There's a petty one in here. I'm going share this, James Oh look at that Oh wow. It's a chocolate loy that says Harry E andfield on it. Yes I love this. Yes. Thank you, Harry. I played the Reding Hexagon. Yeah. And that was in my dressing room. Oh, okay that'. Right. so because initially I thought you'd been somewhere and had a chocolate message lollipop made and just simply your own name on it. Yeah. Yeah. That's the kind of thing I'd do. Yeah. but it was in there And I thought, wouldouldn't it be nice? Because if you share it, you could go say You've eaten Harry Enfield? Yes Yes, you want the Harryinfield canannibalism. Yeah. A bigg inside cannibalism. Thank you. It's got a little sexual sort of nuance to it.n't it? Yes. Many things do. Oh, yes.. Wh g of these guestes, Have you ever eaten Harry M foro There we go. Do you like it? Yeah. I love it. I'm gonna go this I love that the Redding Hexagon just left you a lolly with your own namees. It's sweet isn't?n't it sweet? Yeahah I'll give you the stick. Thank you I'll tell. Have you played the Redding Hexagon? I' played the Redding Hexagon a few times actually and they haveve never left me a chocolate lolly with my name on it. Really? Yeah. I did it once supporting Milton Jones and afterwards, an audience member hated my set so much because they went to see Milton And I was just the support act. and then they were annoyed there were the support act. They went on my Wikipedia and they utered my Wikipedia to say that my performance at the Red in Hexagon was so abysmal that afterwards I was confronted about the poor quality of my comedy and I burst into tears. they vote on there. Yeah. Yeah. And was it true? I don't think so. I don't remember it. Oh. but you've remembered that. I remember that my dad at the time used to You're de at the time new one Yeah He used to monitor my Wikipedia. Yeah I didn't ask him to, but he would you know Now, James, someones put this, justust checking if it's true or not, because if it's not, I'll take it down. He's like, Dad if it is true, I'd hope you would take it down. Yeah. But he's like, no, just if it's not true, I'll take it down. if it's factually inacur. Yes So did you cry or not? I wonder who that was. Yeah ye. Yeah. Mil then. Mil Wh know dad at the time Yeah, loveovely dad at. I've only met Milton Jones once and Paul and I we were on tour and there was Milton Jones and O another of those young comedians asy people. I know Milton We're staying in the same hotel as H name in Manchester And then we're chatting away and then You know, they're over there and we just go, you right? you? Who were they? But I knew who Milk Jones was. Yeah very funny. I went. Paul and I went over there and had a bit of a drink and then suddenly his voice goes, Howy, turn around. It's nice you're fong. my God So, Oh, Nigel, hello, what you doing here? Well, he'd done a sketch with us, you see When was this About fifteen years ago, when he was a joke. Yeah, really, we did a sketch where we're trying to be more like Ricky Gerae so we can be more successful. Right, o. So it's about the time of extras. Yeah, yeah. ye, so we're talking now that, yeah. And then we have an eight a celebrity come round Yeah It's my house, Hel little celebrity Harry's a little celebrity mate and it's Nichel Farage. And he comes in and, you know, the joke is it's not David Bowie, ye ye. you know, its it's this joke figure. Well, then of course, it all kicked off. He was a joke. Yeah. you know, and suddenly it's like, oh my Godd. So there we are in this bar You know, having a little drink and there's nice fr. He was very nice when he came to us. He didn't ask, you know, didn't even ask for a sandwich or anything. He just came and did it for very professional folkks It u Soir course. I had to get him a drink, you know, I could not get him a drink. You could see Melton Jones, like looking. So I like nck my drink and say, Oh I got to go to bed, you know, bye bye, Lave Paul there with him. Wow. I go straight away that's so funny. And then of course, Milton Jones and his mate they came over and sat up half the night with him Yeah, drinkking my name these young comedians. I have heard that story from Milton. Yeah ye. Yeah, Milton pretty soon after that it was like, guuess what happened. Harry, thank you so much for coming to the Dream restaurant and thank you so much for our Harry Enfield loollip Pot. Thank you Do you eat? Oh you can't wellll I'll inject in a second.'ll ye Yeah, I'll just need to give some insul l. You've gotfi. H Nf I've got aar enf Hfi. J. Thank you for eating my chocolate with such a plum. It's straight away. Yeah. Yeah. he does that. He really ed f Yeah, yeah. Like a teenager. Is that a teenager I' been done forever But with Kathy, she really understood the teenage m. So if we had a meal scene Sheida was his home I it really quickly. This is not a time where you have a conversation, you know just eat that desperation. That was like that. I tell you what I I mean Before we go What your secret ingredient for this episode? was a and Lllie No A fab lolly, a line madeade fab. A fab, of course. 'cause I did an adverte with Pul. You love fab. They're lolly fopastic. Yeah They're not even called lions madeade anymore. No they're called R own Nestle or something ye. Yeah, yeah. but everyone loved those ads. you nicey. So I needed to say lions madeade fab Yeah, If you said fab lollies,lly. This was not on your dream menu. this was gift is fine it iss not a fab lo. This reminded me that a fine. We were gonna to get you with a lolly. if you said a fab. Yeah, would kick you out I didn't say anything was fab. No, no. No, no, no, no. Thank God for that. Said Cckolop God I Thank you so much, Harry. Thank you very much. Thank you Thank you havery. Thank you Well there we are, what a delight to meet Harry Efield, James. Brilliant stuffed, lovely menu. Lovely menu, G guy. Great guy. And you gave us a little petty form at the end. He did, he gave us a chocolate lolly. I left my half until after I'd had my lunch and then James had it. Yep, I had the whole chocolate lolly. Yes I liked it. Yeah, it was good. Yeah. factect the re reding Hexagon. Yeah, I' got to say reading Hexagans step your game up. I think I'll be on there on my tour Fresh Hell next year. tickets on sale now at gamble. co d. uk I'd like a chocolate lolly, reading Hacks again, but I want Harry Enfield written on mine Yes We didn't say Fad Llly, so we didn't kick him out. No, exactly. We didn't kick him out. And I told him I fessed up that exic ingredient. Yeah It was already the end of the epode I think that's fine Make sure you go and see Harry Enfield and No Chums on tour f. co. uk for tickets Oh, and we got sent something. O, the good people are drum roll, Kerigold. Uh, pretty cool. This is u Since series one, Kerry Gold has been getting shout outs on the pod, it's always meant a lot to us, Kerry Gold And we're very excited genuinely. They've reached out and sent these to us. This is from Kerry Golden All Day Goods. Okay. And there's stickers in here Ive got some butter stickers, which I was gonna to be like, I don't need these, but My partner is going for a massive sticker phase and she absolutely loves this kind of shit So James' partner is of age, by the way U'm yeah I just think you need to be careful with phrases like sticker phase Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was that was poor. 'ause my wife I love stickers stuff. put poor word in stuff. Sticker phases. Sangees is going for a phase and it's stick This is a gorgeous butter knife and I can say that now I'm forty. The weight of it. It's a good weight. It's a beautiful marbling effect on the handle the shape of it. I mean, look, I know a lot of you might be thinking, oh they do unboxing things now and they're doing like paid proment We're not We're not. just got genuinely been sent this and we're quite excited about it. And this is our genuine reaction which is We like the weight and the shape of it Yeah and the marble effect. It's a genuine special moment in our lives that we've been given these. Thanks to Allld dayay Goods and Kerigold for sending the Butter knife. this s's edgy this pod, isn't it It's put edot hard. Thanks for the butter knives. and it quite amusing James. It ss his best before where you would normally have on a bit of butter. It says best before breakfast lunch and dinner That is good stuff. Cheers, cheheers