Dessert and Rapping for a Cause

Welcome to the offff menu podcast. But it's a bonus. It's a bonus live episode from the Royal Albert Hall, James. It was show two of six at the Royal Albert Hall. The first matinee we did. Matinee I hardly know her Um, button B This is Katherine Ryan, of course. Yeah, a classic of menu guest. Oh coming back for a tasting menu. Yes. when she gets given the menu of another past guest. a woman? What a woman What a comedian? What a celeb What a national treasure Genuine star quality, James She's got starkwall, it's got the X factor. Yeah and That's what you want at a matinete at the Royal Alb Hall. Very happy that Katherine came and did this. Some of our guests at the Royalb Hall had no star quality, James Absolutely. yeah We obviously talk about Nish. Yes and a little bit about Tin Yeah. But like Still glad that they all said yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There will be some stuff we say to Katherine, and maybe that Katherine will say to us that won't make sense becausecause there was the first half in the R hall where we messed around and said a bunch of stuff Benito's actually toying with the idea of editing some of the first half of the rule Abt hall and like putting out the highlights, which I think is Matt. Yeah he says Matt. He says it's his job. Yeah You think it's mad. The way you reacted to that was like Benita I said, I'm going to go and trarawl through a big pile of human shit. Yes. Yeah. That like that's what he said. I feel like u in Jurassic Park when they get out of the car and they're going to go, We're going to like tral through this T Severatops gun. And Jeff Goldlam's like, you shouldn't do that. Benito's like the guy who lost that lost all his Bitcoin He wants to go and search the dump. Yeah, he's exactly like that. Yeah searching the dump for his bititcoin. Bad for that Yeah yeah. he's just got to let it go. but I guess he can't at this point the more that he pursues it less likely the more he's got to lose when if he backs out so he's got to kind of like because this' his time now, not just his money. Yeah. Well this is the situation that the Benito. is what Benito'. It's his time and his money. So he's too proud to back out at this point. but he shouldn't edit. down those first halves because it will be it will not be worth it. Yeah, notot for him. We said some funny stuff though. We said some funny stuff in the first half. Remember when we got in the audience? Yeah, we walked into we discovered that walking into the audience was the way to go. Yeah was that like Barrymore U hall we this to Catherine Ran? Yeah, yeah, it's so good. Yeah, Okaykay. This is the other menu tasting menu of Katherine Ryan. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast taking the Thank you. Absolutely heartbreaking if that was the opening of the whole show. taking Claire Bear's noodle soup of conversation and throwing it in the bin because it's an unhealthy mother and son relationship That iss it Gamble, my name is James A. C. together we own a dream restaur and every singlek we inviting a guest and asking their favour ever start a main' dessert, side dish and drink. notot in that order. This week we're doing a tasting menu and our guest is K Catherine R ' veryy excited to have Catherine back on the pod. Of course, it's a tasty menu, Catherine will be receiving the dream menu of another previous fan favourite guest. Who that will be will be revealed when we bring Catherine to the stage. But let's get on with it James. Please Wlcome to the stage. Catherine ick right here, Catherine Welcome, welcome. Boys. in my dressing room, you gave me the ingredients to make my signature drink from my appearance on off menu. Yes. And your lovely tour manager from Liverpool gave me the sharpest knife, of course And And I've been chopping so many chilies Limes and it's way too spicy now. I've made like a piccante pcanta. I' ruined it. It's disgusting. Do you wantan tona try it? No, it's good if you're from Mexico. Jav, you're from Mexic,n't See It's before it's even gotone in my mouth, I'm choking on it. It's so spicy. It's so spicy. It's wild. This was the Good morning, is the name of the cocktail, I believe you told us? It's but it's wild say Fucking hell Catherine. But I just loved the knife. Taste there. peis grade in the mouth. It ye So it. Give it to the twins,. You're not meant to give You're not meant to give audience members glass, but right? Yeah.. Yeah, wow For me, it was when the chilli fumes hit the back of my throat before the liquid had got in there. It's honestly like a weapon of war. Yeah, that's insane. You're not never ever finish that. I've gone hardcore since I last saw you. Yeah Yeah.ell tellell us some ways with which you've gone hard callore with your drinking and eating. Just chilies. Just chilies. Yeah no, I've Well, it's been a time when I was it It was immediately post lockdown when I first appeared on your show. And since then, there are wars that we're not allowed to talk about on Mock the Week Did you know that? Are you coming on this season? or you No I'm not going on the week this series No. It is because you have your own surprise new vehicle. We have a rival panel show on CLC coming out. Will we be talking about the war on that I think so. I think that's very much the vibe of my new panel show on TLC. It' what we do is we talk about all the things that you're not allowed to talk aboutout the week, That's. Yeah, yeah. No, I just live fast, die young. That's my motto, like you, James We talk about fun wars Remember M that we never let us talk about fun. Did you do fun wars in Canada? Yeah? Oh yes, A you good at them Uh no. Did you tell to get in the lamp I'm meant to do my beginning. I just realise I haven't done my proper beginning. Yeah. sorry, James isn't a genie yet. so obviously I do a proper beginning. As you know, Catherine James is a genie in this podcast So D been line back to the team that' dropping' m for some time. Yes You're meant to rub the lamp, but I think that' lot forgotten about. Normally we get someone to rub the lamp in the traditional genie style for the genie to then emerge, but unfortunately, James, not for the first time in your life, it went off by itself You got me Now Catherine, is there anyone in particular whose menu you are hoping for today? guest who maybe you don't know their menu, but maybe you're like, I'd like to eat with that person e I. I really liked Michelle Des Wward's like very cheese based W wasast every course, Jeez. No, I believe she started with a vape. I believe her started involved to having maybe a triple mango lost Mary. Yeah. The connoisseur's choice, of course ye Definitely, I would like to try a life like that The show was very rude That's alive, remember. She said that I was like, u If there was an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer's English cousin is coming to visit. Yeah And Kramer's stressing now because the cousin's so weird and everyone's telling Kramer but he's exactly like you. Yeah. People don't like you to assess them. Like when people compare me to anyone, it's crazy Amy from kitchen nightmares people know who that is and they do resemble her. And then once Richard Osmond got crossed because I compared him to a cross between Marie Curie and a Great Dane How do you get cross about that? That's a lovely thing to say. I felt like it was spot on, so. Marie Curry did a lot, you know, did a lot for everyone and great Danes are nice dogs. Yeah, great D.. Yeah, it was not meant to be an insult. Yeah You are I mean that is the most you've ever been read, I'd say, James, that you are like Kramer's English cousin. Yeah,ah, the only reason I didn't like the Kramer F is because it was absolutely spot on and she'd done me. Yeah It's not Michelle D Swort's menu that we're giving you No, we can reveal The off menu menu that you will be enjoying today is that of Joe welcome to sir U opinions on Joe Wilkinson hate. You know I got into a mess like this with Louis Thoreu once where you asked me what I thought of a certain gentleman and it went quite viral and my opinions about Joe Wilkonon are the same. No, I love Joe. We did a travel show together. So I got to spend a lot of one on one time with Joe abroad. and the format was that we were going on bargain holidays for Channel four a bargain channel . And I was really excited to take Joe's lead on all of these things until We flew to a country that could only be accessed via Whiz air Someone on our flight shot himself. Someone? Some Joe shot himself. No, someone did. And he wasn't, you know, infirmed or was like super elderly. He was just, I think, on pills. and he wore sunglasses the entire time and was unapologetic about the incident. and that was fine But the trouble was all the people around him wanted to get away. so they moved to the front of the aircraft, where I was. which was a safety risk because of the weight Distribution And all the staff were like, you can't all be at the front of the ear you have to go sit near this guy who's shot himself And they were like, No We won't and then I thought I thought that I was gonna die on a whiz air fllight. Yeah did the plane fit and then the shit just started slided all the way back to where all you were rununning away from the shit like Indiana Jones in the boulder What I would have sat next to the shit guy I wouldn't have minded that Thank you, manad. You're a man of the people, Ed. I am Very much, I've never flown away there. Well, now none of us will. Wits be called 'izir and then the guy does a big shit I to say the flight crew handled it very professionally. They handled it. I'd like to thinkig that there was someone pitting themself on dump airways I think we got our tickets mixed up So when you came on, you had still water, so hopefully you will like Joe Wilkinson's water course. The water course, the dream water course of Joe Wilkinson is tap from Ed's Garden Tes. Okay. We eventually got to where Joe thinks there's no difference between any tap waters And we said we could imagine him drinking from a garden tap. So he said he could drink from my garden tap from the hose. I've got one of those hoses. I don't know what hoses you're rocking at your house, Catherine, but the ones that contract up. And then when you turn them on, they get all long. What? Youave you seen those ones? They go all wrinkly. Like an accordion? Like an accordion. I think on the episode I said like a foreskin, but accordion works as well They go all wrinkly and then you turn on the tap and it goes out like a normal hose. Wow. That's pretty good. It doesn't have a foreskin. Yes. I don't know how they work. I compare everything to foreskins just in case C Can we explore why you don't have a foreskin? Happy to. U sir Circumciseed when I was twenty five to the thirteen year hs before you start this. Circumcised when I was twenty three due to tightness issues. Okay Ver tight foreskin kept everything underraps there.. He had a very funny routine about it about when he came down from the anesthetic, he said to the nurse haveave they sorted out my cataracts? Yes. It was a good bit The best way I can describe it is you know on a hoodie when you've got the drawstrings and someone pulls them really tight for a laugh That was that was what my penis was like Fine. Thank you. Do you think you would like to have water them? You've gott to be quicker with that question, brother. Bed's garden tap. I would actually sooner drink from a foreskin because I think that It sounds to me like keeping moisture and we're back to the garden house in an accordion style. like structure, I think is a breeding ground for bacteria. Interesting I would not drink from Ed's garden hose. No, thank you. Yeah, this is the difference between you and Joe Wilkinson. Yeah. Yeah is that you will think pretty quickly about how clean is that You know, how hygienic is that Joe Wilkinson is just like quite excited about living like a dog essentially. But is very different. So but that is what we're going to have to bring you. I mean, do you want to drink it straight from the tap, straight from the hose? I will, because I've had this chil infused goodood morning with Don Julio, White K killen Any germs in my mouth will be immediately d dead. Yeah. My lips are still tingled. one sip. Yeah Your lips tingleding? Oh, big time. Yeah. It was lips tingling is mad. I'm trying to focus on like, you know, doing a live podcast at the Royal Albert Hall But Bx are on fire how do they do hot ones The the show hot ones. How do they even get through that? I think they'd be really hot. May be really spicy that chicken. I think it' make it really hard to focus on the answers to the questions. Not a very practical show. Joe Wilkinson, so you chose as your bread course, Corn chips and salsa. You were one of the first people to hack this course and not go pop andom's or bread and you went corn chips and salsa Joe Wilkerson had His dream bread. Nice crusty bread that doesn't fill him up that sounds all right. What How Like does he access a paleo crusty bread? Does he mean like very thin? I think he was invoking the Gie's powers to suggest that you could create a bread, A genie could create a bread that you can eat loads of, but it doesn't fill you up. Be this is a big thing we get on the podcast of people coming on and going, oh, I love bread, but if I ee too much of it fills me up for the meal. and I always go, ye, yeah, yeah. And I think it's time for me to admit I don't fucking know what they're on about. Really? I eat bread all day and then eat a full meal. I don't care Wow. I will eat all the bread and bring me more bread and then I will eat the full meal that I've ordered. Yeah, you've got to start being more honest on our podcast. Yeah, notot too honest. Yeah your politics out of it.. St give it for your panel show. Yeah, So for this risky panel show that's coming out that loves war or whatever Just for the listener to let you know how spicy the drink was, Catherine just topped it up with a full can of water. BeCause I kept going back to it ' I do love to get fucked up in the daytime. But it's too many chilies. Yeah You got a lot of parents in the mate. Yeah, ye, ye. And you're taking your shoes off. Yeah. Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely. but I didn't know that that's how spicy this drink was. You don't want them firing off into the audience you have a s. I just thought I'd get cozy. I like it here. and I'm proud of you guys. Thanks Catick. I'm proud of us. Nice crusty crrusty bread though, sounds nice. I mean I guess you'd still rather the tortilla chips in this. Well, controversially be already some people in the UK who know this about me. It is one of my most hateable qualities is that I don't like bread at all. I won't eat it. I basically have never eaten it. You've never eaten it ever. Not like by accident a few times, I just getting booed.. So I went on room one hundred and one years ago and you have to put things infamously into a room and lock it away forever. And I put an actual person in that room. I put Cheryl Tweety Cool, whatever Cheryl. In the room I I had some gags about her Why didd you put her in there? Because I think that she would glass you in an alley in an instant. I think she's very beautiful. Like go just like a baby, you know ' really tiny and everyone loves her, but I think we were tricked by how beautiful she was. And I had a hypothesis that she was pure evil and even God is throwing everything he can at this thing. malaria. It won't die. It Just a bit of fun at the expense of Cheryl Cole And people didn't mind me putting a real living breathing, beautiful human woman in room one hundred one, but I also put bread And I got death threats for that Mostly from the North. they were like Dare you. but I don't like it. I have a Celtic etnicity. a lot of people in my family have celiac disease, so you know hey. So do you have celiac? or are you worried that you're gonna trigger it if you start eating bread? So I didn't grow up knowing I had celiac, but I do have celiac, but I never found out because I never eat bread Well, that's a sort of best of both worlds really, but then I guess bread holds this horrible potential for you We like one day I might try it and my head might pop off. The s happens you got see it. Yeah, man. Was that what that sound was a minute ago? Yeah. Whoo. W head popping off. So I will eat Joe Wilkinson's Krusty bread, but I will have to immediately board a Wiz air fllight. our starter was potato lacers with smoked salmon from the four seasons in Toronto. Whoa, I was living a different life. You wanna choose that now? No, I would. I just forgot that I had access to such luxuries. No longer No longer have access to these luxuries. Not Really. Like when I just had my oldest daughter, who's now sixteen We would go She was so portable. We would go anywhere. I'd go to the four seasons and have Potato locked lock what did you call? Lakers. Yeah, lackers. Very portable, very portable daughter. She should if you don't know this, Catherine's daughter is on wheels. Yeah And I just haven't been to the four seasons, I guess in a while And I'd forgotten about smoked salmon 'a now I just eat like fistfuls of rice over the sink in between in between school runs. Yeah. What are you hoping for from Joe Wilkinson then? Oh go. I know Joe, well, I ate with him a lot when we traveled around these bargain holidays. He made me He told me that it would be a bargain that we spend the afternoon cleaning rubbish off a beach that we would get a free hot dog at the end. And he really enjoyed that hot dog I saw him eat Chcuterie a few times He drank a lot of fanta. So I think it's going to be like Banger' a mash or something. Okay, the dream starter, Joe Wilkinson is porn cocktail Now's got fininly sliced iceberg lettuce, little frozen prawns. and it's very specific that the prawns have to be very little, those little pidly ones. Frozen that are frozen. A a mix of tomato puree and mayonnaise, a pinch of paprika and a slice of lemon for decoration. Out of Joe Wilkinson. How did we get him to say that? Yeah. honestly, it took a long fucking time. It was It was a live one. It was maybe forty minutes to get the starter out of him. And specifically as well, that would be made by his mum, his mum's prawn cocktail that he sees his mum every week on his way to football and stays for forty minutes He eats slowly as Heat slowly. But yeah but this is a theme running through this menu that rather than have the best version of something he likes, he wants the most disappointing version of it So he wants the prawns to have been frozen and defrosted. He wants the mayonnaise mixed with tomato puree, which I don't think is how you make the dressing for a n. Its tomato sauce and mayonnaise together with some light Oh and the lemon is there and he wants to take the lemon and then throw it in the bed. Yeah he's not actually using the lemon or squeezing it over anything there Oh Well, sometimes the shit version of something is better than The best. So when I moved to this country, there wasn't access to taco Bell. There was no taco Bell I was pregnant with my aforementioned oldest daughter, and I would say to people, I just really miss Taco Bell And they go, Well, that was a lovely Mexican. I said, No, I don't think you would listen to me properly. Taco Bell I'm not looking for lovely Mexican, I'm looking for Taco Bell, The opposite of lovely Mexican. And now there are many of them Are they as deliciously shit as you remember? Yes. Maybe even worse U yeah, I would eat this. I'm impressed by Joe And I would like to meet Joe's mother. I think it's important that we all meet Joe Wilkinson's mother Yeah, I'd like to meet Joe Wilkinson's mother. In my imagination, there's no way she doesn't have a full beard She's a bearded mum, for sure. Also I'm not sure the shit version of something is somees better than the best I'd rather listen off menu podcast than on an know dish or That Jessse Warewn table manan is their shit I didn't know there was so much rivalry in the food based podcast world. Well that's not really. no one holds a candle to us. We're streakets ahead. dont have to worry about any of that. They're chasing us. They're thinking about as twenty four seven, I'd imagine Imagine all they do is think about us and talk about us all the time. But like who would you rather sit down with and talk about food? Me and this legend or Gimmy I loveve Grimmy. Oh yeah, sorry, me too It's Jesse Ware, Ed hates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big fan of Jesse Ware. I've been on both those podcasts. Yes. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. and I have been invited. Yeah. A clip of me on Table Manners went more viral than any clip from this podcast. What? Yeah, because I started I got myself into a situation where I had to describe to Jessie Ware's mum where the band Lint Biscuit got their name from Explain it to those kids. Okay. That's fine because I've got my back to them. So there's a game called Soggy Biscuit. Oh no. Where. Well if you've not heard of this, great game. You got you don't need to buy anything for the game really, apart from a biscuit. There's not like you don't need to buy a board or anything. It's fun at home for not all the family, but Everyone who I mean, it's for people with penises really. You gather around it. you all start masturbating around the biscuit A lot of people don't know. A lot of people genuinely don't know this. This is kind of worst case scenario, I'd say. Yeah. Well imagine actually telling a lot of people about this for the first time in the Royal Albt hall. Well you can see See why the click went viral. It was me telling a woman in her sixties in her own kitchen about this game with her daughter present And then and then obviously the winner, youve got to come as quickly as possible onto the biscuit and l the loser has to eat the biscuit. I was mortified that I did that and that no one knew what the game was and I had to explain it on the podcast. And on the way home I Googled it and that's not why they called it lim biscuit at all all in your head. Yeah We have that game in Canada for ice hockey players would do it, but our name is not as good. it's cookie in the middle Tookie in the middle. That's so sweet. It's no good, soggy biscuit. You have better words for everything. Like nuance, I think is a beautiful word. It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah. Thank you I feel like leave it to the Brits to add a touch of whimsy to even the darkest of subjects. What dod you call them in Canada? Uncle We have to say I' If I opened a restaurant, if, and it's never gonna happen, like a Michelin star restaurant that kind of I would call it Ns. Don't you think it sounds elevated? It sounds French, doesn't it? it sounds very French. No, you got to get a booking at gnomes. Yeah. Try the aged Venison filet. Not aged too much though. Not too much For your main course, you had a Bangkok stir fry from Sunet King also in Toronto. Yeah And I was just talking to my husband Bobby about this stir friend the way in and he was asking me about my menu. I was really hungry all the time when I lived in Toronto and went to Uni, I think you're always hungry in Uni. And then I think I wasn't sure. I was trying to reminisce because he lived in Toronto as well. I said, Was that stir fry so great or was I just really hungry And we don't know Bobby doesn't know. Did Bobby ever try it? Bobby's not a stir fry guy. No What's Bobby eating? Meat exclusively. I've only met Bobby twice, but I do think he's a meat guy. Yeah You see meat in a steak. Yeah. Bloody. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah Bobby's cool. The dream main course that you're gonna be given. Oh no. The dream main course of Joe Wilkinson is two chicken ks. from Maitros though, with chips and peas not from Maitros and loavs of ketchup. Ketchup fan there. A lot of fans of Joe Wilkinson's menu there. Joe got really worried that he was having to pay for the meal So he really specified that yes, the chicken Kieoves can come from Waitroros because they're nice, but then the chips and peas he'd go to a supermarket that cost less How do you feel about chicken Kves, Katherine? I actually love them. I am allergic to them. I know now. If you have celiac, you can't have that either or any fun We're actually only allowed to call them Chicken We can't talk about war. so. Amock the week it's just chicken. Yeah, it's chicken. It was wed. They did people started calling them chicken Keves though, didn't they? Yeah. During the war, like if any silver lining from that conflict? is that the general Western public learns how to pronounce Kivly Yeah, I bet they were delighted by that. Yeah. We don't need any more help. justust make sure you rename one of your snacks. Joe was very clear. it was important that the chicken cbs Lak g Mer Keivves, streames, Kees Tim Keves, as they're being cooked in the oven, the garlic butter must just leak out of onto the tray. Okay. so that the bottom is quite soggy. Yeah. And the whole thing, he said disappointment was a big part of the meal and it has to be disappointing. And he doesn't want it to be real like we could use like it's your dream meal, We could make sure it's the perfect He's like, no It has to be that it leaks out and that it's all soggy and it's disappointing when I'm eating it, I'm disappointed. So Joe's dream is to be disappointed. Yes. Which me like triumph. I mean I find it very hard to relate to I wonder how Joe's doing now because he Because it must be very awkward for him that since he appeared on celebrity Traders. yeah. He reached a new level of notoriety. I sure like that was such a big series. Then he had that Christmas advert which was snogging Kira nightlying. Yeah. That was a weird one. Wasn't that that his wife had died and so he was allowed to snog here a nightly? Is that the Christmas advert that he did? Is that what happened? was like He's met a new genie. That's fine. First wish, I want my wife today As far as I'm aware, people might be able to like correct me on this, but it's like the premise is that his wife dies and then he's got his like you know whole pass list or whatever of people that if he meets them, he's allowed to get with them. And then he meets Kira Kightlely These are great my wife's dead and I get to get with Kira Night. Is that? Where's that The Christmas ring that he did Yeah, peoplee are saying yes, James s yeah, that's weird. It was a long advert I was just captivated by Joe I thought, Ohh, there's my friend Joe. didnt I didn't know why he got to snuog here nightly. I was just I doubt he was disappointed by that But he was very happy with that, but like I don't know why his wife had to die. Maybe the garlic butter leaked out of her the entire time. Itit really soggy bottom When Joe was on celebrity Taces, I'd say I've never seen more posts and messages from A very thirsty women. going, Joe Wilkinson's my new crush. Yeah. There's something about that guy. They fucking love Joe Wilkinson. When their husbands die, they're gonna getame did you watch celebrity T traitors? I did, yeah, I. Do you think I'm seeing Joe in a new light now and I want to kiss him on the face? I see him in the same way and I've always seen him, extremely fuckable Would you go and st for traers? Again, ask that question quickly. I thought you were going to say something else about J. Would you go on Joe Wil. For the right fee. Yeah. It'd be tough to be away from my kids for four weeks though. It'd be nice enter the bug and holiday show, wouldn't it I know some people going on the next celebrity traders, so do you, A few comedians in. I? Yeah. I don't know anyone who iss doing it. Oh, I do. So I can't be party to this conversation contractually. Catherine, I am the host of the Era showhow. I'm part of the Traitors familyily. I cannot be here for some sort of splashy headline situation Catherine Ryan reveals who's on next celebrity Titers while sat next to someone who relies on this show to pay his fucking mortgage. Do they tell you in advance No I'm going have to banish shed worst liar ever. That is a traitor. Do you think you'd be good on it though, Catherine? No, obviously not. Well, a clip from your podcast came into my algorithm the other day and I love you guys. so I watched it and you were speaking about the text to all game on Michael McIntyre. And then by surprise, my name came into the mix. and you said, Oh when I got a text from Catherine Ryan, she said I'm going to do a routine about you on Graham Norton, and then I'd said, that's the one you should have believed that Catherine would do that. I would do that because I can't keep a secret. I can't really tell a lie For that reason, I should not be on celebrity traders. I'd like to see it though. I would like to see it. It would be good, telly Me just telling the truth? Yeah. No one's done that tactic yet. No one's gone on become a traitor and then gone just so you know everyone's me Yeah And then everyone going clearly can't. James, if you've been watching this show properly, you know they're not allowed to do that because it's part of the traitorss oath that they take at the beginning. When they receive their cloak from Claudia, they're not allowed to reveal it and behind the scenes it's really imposed on them that please do not reveal you're a traitor. it ruins the whole format of the show And they maybe should tweak that format a bit It'd be fun to Everyone should say it the next day. one. It's me. I'll be good on it. You' great on it. Yeah, I'll be real good at it. In what role? I'd know it would be you. I'd say it's Ed. But I wouldn't be in it, James. So youd just be accusing everyone and saying it's Ed Gamble. see you eventually goes, we meet at last. I always knew you were a traitor. reveal yourself. You' Claudia. definitely she acts very suspicious on that show every time, saying weird things and walking out the room. No one goes Do think she's a traitor. M the side is more peas I guess we should ask your opinions on peas. we haven't really talked much about the chips and the peas on the last one. Love chips and peas. loveve 'em. Yeah. Oven chips though, they are oven chips that Joe's having. You' happy with oven chips? I only really know oven chips. Oh, interesting Where am I going to get You only need know oven chips Pretty much, I don't have a like deep fat fryer in the house, do you? No, but like other bet eaters, but like d actually Yeah, some people do. I don't happen to have a deep fat fryer Y house. Nice tried triter I wouldn't have it. they make the house stink, I'd imagine. Does anyone have a deep pot fryer in their house See, people are killing it. Thats That's a fuck all of you. Pathetic people with air fries Why? Gible? A you So gullible. They're the people we want on traders. The gullible ones falling for it the whole time. Deep fat friar people, where are you sat together. It's a coach trip from Leeds Does it make your house smell Okay, good mix, a real mix there Oh extractor fan. under the extractor fan, you'll be all right. Yeah. for ages in my house the extractor fan we'd put it on and the fire alarm would still go off and it was just like it's doing nothing. And we had our kitchen done last year and they looked at it and they went This is trying to find doesn't go outside. Yeah It's just there. and you turn it on and it makes the noise, but it's just still staying in the room. Yeah. mine's the same. The house we moved into, the lady had done the kitchen, so she just because it looked nicer, had moved the oven away from the wall that goes outside and put it on the opposite wall that doesn't go outside. There's an extractor fan there. You put it on, it blows ' it worse? It's like smoke from a pound and it's just blowing it all around. just like billowing horrible smoke. Yeah It's disgusting. Could I just ask, could you hear this extractor fan chat or just me? What that entire chap. Yeah. Heard the first half and I tuned out the second half, I'll be honest. Yeah, what we do is we cherry pick phrases that we understand and then we try as desperately as we can to riff on them Because I had a massive health assessment just because you should do that. And my grip strength was bad and my eyesight was bad and my rest and heart rate was bad. L things were bad. But the lady said that I have incredible, incredible hearing. like I can hear anything. And one of the things she made me listen to was a super high pitch noise that sometimes Shops and neighborhoods will emit to detract teenagers because only teenagers can hear like If it's really high. Yeah. likeike a dog whistle? Yeah. I can hear that Wow, you've got teenag ears. Yeah And I didn't even pay for those Is thats why you're so good at detecting nonses If I catch a man, looking at my ears too long, James, I know I know his's trouble So you've got more peas. Now do you like mushy peas I do like mushy peas. I thought you would like mushy peas for some reason. I don't know why? Be typically people will go, nah, they disgusted. I hate them But you wouldd be like, yeah, I like that. whatever. The thing that everyone else is like, No, get away from that gross, Kathine Minds would go, yeah, that's cool. I like him. With men, usually that applies. I love peas, I love whole peas, I love buttery peas, I love hot peas, I love cold peas. I used to eat a dish called peas and Cheese. Because I am allergic to a lot so it wouldd just be a bowl of tinned peas. And I would cut up little cubes of cheese and put it in really delicious It's it. It's a cheesy peas It's a Fast show schcaame. Yeah It's a Fast shows Yeah ye Yeah, cheheesy peas, yeah Is it what? Fast show sketch. someone's hearing, doesnn't it Sorry, shouldall I say it really high for you, Catherine The first show, Do you remember the first show? I wasn't here, but I know the reference. Yes. so they had a sketch about cheesy peas. Oh, what's the sketch? I can't remember. it's cheese, it's peas, it's cheesy peas. Oh Al the whole sketch. The first show was brilliant, but when you repeat it back to someone who hasn't seen it does sound shit, doesn't it? Yeah, it's very hard to make a sketch work just one person monologue it in Yeah. But that was basically what it was. It's cheeses, peas, cheesy peas, peas and cheese, cheesy peas. It's good. that was it for the whole thing. Yeah could of repeating it. Once at my school we had to do this project where We got given a paper plate and a load of crepe paper and we had to make our favourite meal out of create paper on the plate and then they would stick them to the wall. And my mum came into it did like an open day. She was like, whereere's yours? I went I was over there and I'd done cheesy peas She'd never fucking cooked that for me in my life and stuck loads of green crepe paper and then just like a sheet of yellow over the top of it And she was genuinely worried like they're going to take you away from her. Because it looks like I don't give you any sustenance. And this was the same year I had to write a story, just come up with a story. and it was about a treasure hunt where every time they thought they found the treasure it was empty gin bottles So who do these people fucking think I am feeding you peas and then getting pissed My mom was too drunk to put a message in it. It's wred a short story about how tight his foreskin is. Thank you James. I'm glad that's becomeing a running joke C run with a t forskin I my forekin was attached to. You luck That's what I'm about. Pase That what I imagine. Yeah. They don't let you keep it. Oh, they wait a minute, wait a minute. How hard did you push? Because I think they would have Lum if you really I asked. I said, C I keep the foreskin? They were like, No, we don't do that. That's mad, isn't it? I don't think you're allowed to keep stuff after operations if they've been cut off you. I don't know if anyone else here has been allowed to keep anything. I've consumed three placentas in the last four years. Yeah you've gott to do that quick before they come and take it away, right And to be fair, you ran in real quick and you knelt in front of the lady giving birth and then you going straight in Hastday, Yeah, they were out the room. God no, Kathine Mine got another one Maybe I should have gonerivate. I think maybe my issue was doing NHS. I should have gone private and then they let you keep it, they make it into a necklace or something There are conspiracy theories now that if you don't keep your placenta, that the NHS sell it for fifty grand to some a biohacker Really? Yeah, that they're selling placentas to those who want to live forever, but it's absolutely not true It's like a filtration system. I think it's not even good for you manat, I reckon that man who's trying to live forever has definitely eaten placantas, don't you? But just for kids. Just for Just for a laugh. He's monitoring his son's bonus and stuff, h he? Yes. Do you know about this This guy Brian Johnson, he wants to live forever and apparently part of that is monitoring his son's boners Yeah, he monitors his and his son's directions If I monitored my son's erections The last thing I'd want to do is live another day How does he do it? Well, there's a biscuit in the middle Your dream drink when you came on of course was the goodood morning, which you're drinking now But the drink we're going gonna give you today. Joe Wilkson's dream drink is a mango magic from a Chinese restaurant near Teneriff on Christmas Day. No. Now we don't have any answers for you here, Katherine, because he didn't actually fully know what a mango magic magic was. He drank it. He couldn't tell us if it was a juice or a smoothie. He knows it was called a mango magic He doesn't remember what the island was called near Tenerif. He doesn't remember what that was called where he went on Christmas day. and he could only tell us that they went to a Chinese restaurant because they fancy to Chinese So It's I mean you have to use your imagination here to tell us if you like this mango magic or not if you like the whole setup of going to a Chinese restaurant ne in Jeanuary for Christmas Day? I mean, I think it's the best version of a disappointing version of something. And for that, I really give Joe credit for this answer because I love the idea. I love The audacity of Chinese restaurants or anywhere being open on Christmas Day? Yes. I do like that. That's rebellious. And I like alcohol, especially on Christmas Day I'm going to imagine that the mango magic has that in it I guess ' it was so vague, you can kind of put anything you want in the Bgo magic and that could be your drink. What if a mango magic is just gin Yeah Yeah, that's magic. The magic is there's no mango. It's pure gin. I start offering guests You fancy a mango magic? have like Yes, I do. Gin. In a coffee cup. I figured out. Aatherryine's on the Mgo Magics again. Yeah, I like it. You know, Joe's a real outside the box guy. and I don't, you know, I don't think that you would You would draw a parallel between myself and Joe Wilkinson. Never. But actually at the core, we're quite similar Describe the c move I think that he's a rebel and I identify that way as well. Like I'm not waiting for someone to give me permission to do something. I don't need accolades for me like, o, you know how some people probably come on your podcasts, especially these Hollywood actors that you've got now. and they curate their menu and they want to sound clever and they do this with desesert Island discs too politicians on there sometimes O we're like, o, I like listening to the cure. And it's like, you are a fucking liar. And I don't mind if people think that the music I like or the food I eat, or the places I go are trash I'm a mix of high and low media like Joe Wilkinson. So you know, you could see me in the nicest restaurant, you could also see me running away from a man with a full, full pants on a whizzer Christmas day for you, Katherine Ryan, what's that look like? Oh I have been here for nineteen years in the UK. so I've adopted some of your traditions. I like when people dress up on Christmas Day. I like when people have matching pajamas the day before. And I really like champagne on Christmas morning and orange juice. I think that's fun. All that is fun, but I've ruined that by having kids So Christmas is really magical when they're little, but it's a lot of work. So usually now it will be my husband and I trying to build things that Santa's elves have dropped off until like four in the morning. And then the kids are up at like five thirty and we're just fighting for our lives And we really discourage family from coming anywhere near us Right Uh yeah That's what we like, justust our f. I only like the people that I've made. And then sometimes I look around and I hate them because I go, everyveryone at this house has been inside of me On Christmas Day, is it you? Is it you or Bobby who gets to carve the placenta? Are you having all the traditional trimmings for Christmas dinner? I do like that, yeah. but've some we've had some arguments because It won't surprise you to know, Boby just likes ham. Yeah no way Bobby's eating turkey ever. Bobby hate Bobby laments the whole idea of turkey. He doesn't like any of the trimmings, he doesn't like any sides. Of course, I'm not doing York shows or anything, so I can't eat bread. I like roast potatoes, I like the veg, I love cabbage. I love all of that chicken, I like gravy. but I do like to defer to my husband sometimes last Christmas I did two different honey roast has and I did a mustard Roulette So we had like a horseradish mustard and we had a whole grain mustard and we had a hot mustard, an English mustard and a yellow mustard, French mustard. We did like loads of mustards and a few big has. And Bobby was really excited about that Was it a random thing of what mustard you got? Was it O was it ye as the questions progressed at a hotter one each time? Whoa, James, Ed, it was not random, but you've just given me an idea for next year. Because we also used to play this drinking game in Canada where you maybe you have it here in between rounds of sogg. Make sure you wash your hands in between Yeah. whereere you do a bunch of shot glasses on one of those what's it called? Its like a l the lazy suit? Yes, laazzy Susan. Okay And you fill it with clear liquids. So round one, five are water, and then five could be like vodka, gins, Zambuca, whatever. And then round two, four are water four the other clear. And you spin it and everybody takes shots. Do you have that here? We have similar things, I think. I never got on board with those sorts of games When I was like drinking a lot when I was younger, because to me, the punishment shouldn't be that you have a drink. Because you're drinking, right? So to me, I'd get the water and I'd be like, ah fuck. Keep going, spin again, spin again. But yeah, we have similar games to that. But as adults, don't you think that would be fun now, but with ham and mustard? Yeah. I would love to do a mustard one. Yeah. Well it's like you don't know what or like a spiced one, you don't know what it is. And one of them's custard, but you don't know. The best one I would love to get the custard one. Oh. Its traditional ham and custard Christmas. No know, I've ever been to America and they have like places that's like frozen custard And I got really excited when I first went there and I was like, a frozen custard place and it's just ice cream. And I was like, Oh, why is it not literally frozen custard? Yeah. That would be fucking great. And I don't know why someone doesn't just open an actual frozen custard store now. Like I might do it. But ice cream nice. Ice cream is sort of frozen custom. You know your touma. Okay, we've been great I just love it.s not even frozen actually. likeike I guess custard. Th would be great. You're in a custard shop. I would love to go Yeahah, go in and it's just like it looks like, you know, it's all like old tubs like ice cream, but it's all just cold custard. Yeah And they just put loads and it's all custard different flavours and they just put that in a massive like Like a milkshake like takeaway cup and it's all just in there layered up, loads of custard and a go away and eat that. That'd be great. That would be nice. You'd do that? Yeah. I feel like if that place existed, you'd be dead within an okchange be. You'd be in the doorway of the custard shop. What a way to go I'd love to go like that. Buring me in the custard, man. For your dessert, you wanted A Totsie roll cheesecake. Oh, still do. Is that a real thing? I can't remember. No. So you invented that. What is a Totsie rolled cheesecake? Well, I love Totsie rolls and some of your guests who've come in from further away will know Totsie rolls but they are Yeah, they're available here too. It's sort of like a chocolatey caramel molasses. It's kind of like a bit more dense fudge, I don't know. It's delicious. And I really love cheesecake. And I think you and I were just Talking about my love for both those things, but that I can't have the biscuit bottom of cheesecake. So make that toastie roll Here we go That sound good. However, you're not about to get a t of oldll cheesecake. You're gonna get the dream dessert of Joe Wilkinson, which is a plain bayiononetta. Yeah. It's a solid choice, I think. I think that was the one I was happiest with with Joe that Are you a Vinetta fan? I think they look luxurious. Yes. Yeah, they very much look luxurious. I've never actually eaten one. Is it's ice cream just in the shape of a rippled sort of cake? Yeah, and all the chocolate stuff is like solid chocolate. Yeah. So that's the nice stuff is it cracks and you've got that like nice texture going on. I'd say the mint one is the best personally. And I think it's crazy to choose the plain one over the mint one, but there you go.'s Joe's dream, not mine But yeah, it's like you have a kind of slice of it as opposed to a scoop. And how many viionettas would you say you've eaten in your life, James? Good question. Joe what? I bet it's not as much as I think we didn't really do viionettes as much in our household despite being massive ice cream heads My memory of Vinettes is Viionettes you have to I just thought I'd say something while you calculate how many vietters you've had in your life, Joe. Yeah, and no answer I'm going to come up with now is I mean, it's ex to be a number, isn't it? I dont know how funny's going to be. You should go off on this tangent. My memory of and I've not had a Viionnetter in years sadly, I feel like with viionettes, I just remember you had to take them out of the freezer about a year before you wanted to eat them So you'd like everyone would arrive for lunch like Sunday lunch, familyily lunch, you'd be like, we got a vionetta before we put the chicken in the oven Let's get the Viionetta out of the freezer because they are rock fucking solid those things But when you give them the time out there on the counter and then you cut a slice Beautiful, the crack as you cut through a vinetta, pure heaven Probably' less than ten in my life Wow I I think I've probably maybe even less than. I would guess Five. Yes, my entire life In terms of times I've had viionettes, each time there would be like one or two slices, so if you add them all up, I' probably had one vietta in my entire lifetime. I imagine Joe unwrapping his, you know, like a burrito and just eating it on the sofa Bite, by bite. Yeah. shop picked down on it. It's all in his beard and stuff it's dripping down. he doesn't care. Kira Niley comes along.. Ily want a mint bayonetta now. Yeah. I might see if we can get one. afterfter this. We've got to stop doing this because this happened last night where we asked for something on stage and then Jilly, the tour manager had to sort it actually had to go out and buy something and bring it to the stage. She's not buying anything with a knife that sharp When Joe was on, the secret ingredient that he would have got kicked out for was and this should ring some bells for you. Fty two Calipos. yes What did you do for the mayor again So Joe and I were together on our series of Taskmaster And yeah, and that was when our love affair began I decided to rap for the Lord Mayor. you ra I used to do a lot of rapping. and then after white moms, I retired Because I don't know like Black Lives Matter really came into the forefront and I was like, I am doing a lot of white nonsense And so I stopped But not and white moms went very it got like forty million views. Are you familiar with white moms? No, I'm laughing because I think when the Black Lives movement started, a lot of white people all reflected on stuff and our behaviour. but I don't know if many people went, Ive got stop rapping That was your thing It was one of the microaggressions. Yeah, ye, yeah. that I needed so. And thank you for stopping. I think it did a lot for the cause, Everyone was very grateful. But I still wrote a couple raps. L I'd like to rap again and I think that I So just for the listener, I turned to the audience as if to say, do you want to hear Catherine rap? And ten seconds of silence later, someone whooped Well, because I think you can do a lot of good with rapping. so I never set out to offend men in my comedy. If I do, it's just a bonus for me. And I think that as a feminist, people assume that I would be against a lot of the music that objectifies women, but I'm not. Yeah. I love it. I J just think that we should also have music that objectifies men and specifically dads So I've really focused a lot of my work in the last six years on objectifying dads when I see them. And I wrote a rap that was I'll do it for you now, but if you cut it out because of Black Lives matter. But not the Black Lives in this room, apparently. They can all sit in he, can't they Oh, and my And my rat name is K Rye Jelly. Okay. That's good to know. Thank thank you. It goes. I'll see if I could remember it. I shouldn't just have this to memory. Okay, it goes. K Rye Jelly 'cause my ass is fat. When I shake it on the scoreround, people tellell you that, it's a fact. Excuse me, if I'm bothered, I'm distracted by the penises of some of the fathers like Which dad will I fuck today? I objectify men to prove I'm really not gay. I love their dicks and I love their balls. They're naked in my videos, and that's what you call a player What is it? They're naked at my videos and that's what you call a player. A big deal. I'm an now female. I fuck some m many dazs' selling pussy wholesale. Orthodontist, that's my hoe. Engineer, that's my hoe. School headmaster, that's my hoe. Builder, pilot, both my hoost. Every man is just built for sex. when I sit on their face, I shout, yo, who's next? They call me, text me I like chill, I don't love you. be for real. I got my husband, you're a grouppeie begging for a dollar when you're not with a rroupeie, I disrespect andeed value men. They sto buy tickets to my shows and then I fuckem again when well Good disrespected to value men. and they still my tickets if my shows and that I fuck them again, when will gender roles be dismantled in hip hop? And when will your dad come by and show me his big cock It's good wrapping. Well, you see it's for a cause. Yeah Ver important. I did celebrity men and I'd be like, Bradley Cooper, that's my ho. Jackie Chan, that's my hope. Stephven Hawking was my hope Yeah, and I loved it. I missed it a lot. Yeah I think you should go back to rapping Well, when there's equality And the whites sort themselves out, I will. That might be the push that some white people people finally need to get their act together. they'll never hear Kaffine Ryan rap again until they sort it out What do you think at the end of the menu now? What do you think overall of Joe's meal? Joe is so unhinged I love him. I think he's pure of heart. I think that His menu is not too bad actually. I like chicken Keivves. but I do feel this way boys. I think that. You're on this earth. by some type of magic miracle. And if you can and if you have the means to Food is so exciting and such an indulgence. You should make every meal as delicious as it can be. So why you would set out to have the disappointing version of? Like if you love peas, eat peas. If you love vienetta, have the best most perfectly thawed vienetta that you can have. Don't have like the shit version of anything because you're worth more. Yeah. Powerful words Powerful words from K Ri Jelly. but w wonder how they would sound in a rhyme. I had one about the NHS. But you'll have to wait uill the world is equal I don't remember that one, but it was during the COVID stuff. and I'll just give you this little little insight is it was to thank the workers and it was called Make that ass Clap for the NHS And at one point I was getting double jabbed We'll leave it there We'll leave it there and what a lovely way to end. This episode of The Tasting Meny is liive at the Royal Albber Hall. Please give it up for Cast B baby side of your way He like that. Well there we are, Jimmy James. That's Katherine Ryan at the Royal Albert Hall, where she belongs? Yes, very much so. Great episode Kevin's got podcast, you know? Yeah You' got two. Telling everybody everything And what's my age again? What's my age again? What's my age again? Which is a really good idea for a podcast, but one I never want to be a guest. Nobody likes you when you're twenty three takes your blood for that one. huh She takes your blood. What True ye Why? And tells you your biological age No, that's a That's a different podcast. That's my new podcast G all the small things S called Ed Gambble wangs you off. And I b everyone up for as I goes through their CV and I'm like, that was brilliant. And then the big finish at the end is I genuinely w them off. H me not doing at the role level Quite few I'd imagine. We're doing eight nights. Yeah, and some bad days. Yeah. getting some young bucks on to see if we can hit the ceiling. Yeah Ill tell you what, draging right's there. Yeah. If you manage to hit the cinem of the roll that b hall we a chiz That's good stuff. Thank you to Katherine. Thank you to you all. Thank you to Benito for editing this shit. And you can all look forward to another bonus episode soon.. Bye