Small Business Shout Outs

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You can set spending limits and get instant notifications when they spend so you can see live when they've blown it all on sweets at the corner shop. Monzo's award winning kids account, download your new favourite bank for children age six to fifteen, parent or guardian account needed first. UK residents only, T's and Cs apply. Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with Rita. Can you say that? Rita Rob. Eckett Rita Eckett Great Can you say Josh Josh Widak ham Greek try. Good try. Rita, great name. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael. Uh here's my youngest daughter, Rita, attempting to say your names. I somehow managed to collar her in between biting her older sister going to the toilet every five minutes in Brexit's toilet training, generally making our house a shithole. Started listening after our firstborn arrived and can categorically say that the hints and tips what fucking hints and tips? Oh we give some hints and tips. Do we? Yeah. Well they've made no difference Stroke their nose to their gas feet. We've made they've made no difference to my lot my w life whatsoe ver. But the laughs have at least made this shit show of a world a lot easier to navigate from Dan four hundred and eighty one months, Katie, four hundred and fifty seven months. He's put in brackets mum and dad though. I think we can do it from the months. Etta 72 months and Rita 25 months. Then I like those names. Yeah, so do I. Um I agree with that. I think all parenting advice books and podcasts and Instagram tips is bollocks. It just makes people feel like, oh, I've got something to cling on to. Well, actually, I think what we do is more that we don't know either, but yeah, but at least we're in Yes. It's the blitz mentality. Is that right? The blitz mentality . Blitz spirit. That's the Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it is a case of the We're all in the bunker together. We're all in the bunker together. We can't stop the bombs, just wait, so hopefully they'd have to be able to sally station. How do you think you'd have been in the blitz? Insufferable? Erm I think I would be an asset to the tube station. Do you? I think I would have got a big one Would you start you'd hate a sing along. You know me, I'd like to. If one sing I'd perform. What? I'd just do stand up to the tube. Do you know what? I'll take my chances with the Luftwaffe. Thank you very much. I'm going back out . He's doing his bit about pitter bread. It's not in forty one, mate. You think pita bread's hot, mate? You should try some of those bombs coming up. Woman's bastard gas. Don't know. We've got some correspondence, but uh Michael's been saying that we're gonna get cue cards which makes me laugh when we do this in the studio. But we've got our phone, but the problem is I keep getting messages on my phone which is distracting. Are the cue cards stuck in the studio ? Yeah, that's the thing about the new studio's got an exclusive rights deal on the paper cue cards that couldn't possibly be moved from studio to this studio, which is fair enough. But don't worry, you're never too far away from a miscellaneous book. I am, I know. Makes me feel at home. I love fake podcast backgrounds. Everywhere you go, there's always a shit bit of wood and some books. And some cars combined. You've got the shit bit of wood and I've got the books. Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna decorate my shit wood. Yeah, that I'm gonna put stuff up there from but I don't know what. I've got loads of my kids art. Yeah. But anyway. Good idea. Um shall we do some correspondence? We've got loads of correspondence. Uh oh by the way, someone's asked me about restless legs. I've got a lot of help from restless legs. Yeah, this was ages ago you mentioned restless legs. Yeah. You still got restless legs? No. Oh., good I think it was. I think going back to normality, I think I think it was a combination of zero exercise, terrible eating. Yeah, terrible eating does it's not good. But if you have got restless legs , everyone says magnesium and rub the m magnesium stuff on your feet. Like w like like the tin man ium cream. Didn't the tin man get ill from all the paint? I don't know. What? From was it of Oz? The tin man, they put this stuff on him to make him look like tin, but they actually made him ill because of the Didn't use asbestos for the snow as well or something as well. It was asbestos. yeah, I d I'm not sure really. But um I'm going to Vegas in the summer 'cause I'm go I I might w go and watch that in the sphere. What? The Wizard of Oz. The Wizard of Oz is on at the sphere. When you're there. Well it's on all the time. Well it's not no, 'cause Backstreet Boys is on at the moment 'cause Alex Brooker flew out for it. Yeah, but that they you know, they can it it's a screen so they can put the film after the Backstreet Boys are finished. Oh right , I suppose you can do different things. Yes, yes. I hav'end even thought about it. So when you were here was California man. I thought They do that at your local shit theatre. Yeah but I normally with a theatre I thought what do you mean by local shit theatre? You had a weird shit theatre that you went to that you remember when you sat on the chair wrong or something? Oh the Alexandra Theatre, that was a cinema. It never really was a theatre. Yeah, but it could have been, but it was a screen in the day. I'm Yeah. I'm comparing it to the sphere. Yeah. Not not the first, you won't be the last. Right, correspondence. That's what we've got first. So tie a sock around your foot I think he's won I think he wants to make you look stupid. I suffer with it occasionally and this works a treat. Keep it up, Richard. Lou used to get it when she was pregnant. Did she? Yeah, rest his legs. That's one of the uh their lessons. What's that then now? Why take you shit? Well, you listen to that podcast the rest of his legs. So yeah. Yeah. I was just gonna tie my sock around my foot. So uh y okay. So is it only the left leg you get it? No, I get it both, so I'd have to tie it round both. But see if no but I think the leg, not the foot. If you tie it around the foot and then the press the blood on the bottom of the foot. Right, okay. I mean it's difficult because I haven't got restless legs, so it's difficult to tell if it's doing anything. Yeah. Does it look weird? Is it difficult to moan about a restless leg to Alex Brooker and Yeah Hills on the show? It's quite do you know what? We're always looking for an opening chat. I know what we're doing on the episode one of the next series. You've had restless leg. And then that's great because I go as blocky for you, mate. I've got a pet cat disaster. You've got a pet cat disaster. Correspondence. I haven't. Oh yeah. Not personally. Hi Rob and Josh. I'm just listening to you both discuss trying to bury Chip the Hamster in the frozen garden. And your discussion has reawakened a memory. I had buried this. I worked as a receptionist at an emergency vets. There are a few really strange situations that happened during the few years I worked there. One of the worst was an elderly cat that had to be put to sleep. Yeah. I think the cat had kidney failure. It's a bit close to home, isn't it? Yeah, fucking hell mate. What is wrong with Beryl's kidneys? Sh uh dunno. Just don't work very well. Yeah. So sh they flush 'em. Yeah. So they're failing, but you're propping em up with flushing. Well no, there's she's got like a um bypass on something Well, what what would your limit be if you were paying? Well no, because this is what happened. I'm sure I would have said this at the time, but we can always revisit. God. They said look, this operation is very expensive and it wouldn't we wouldn't even suggest it if you didn't have pet insurance. Oh wow. Because it's a long shot. Yeah, and it worked. It worked. But now she just has to be flushed. Yeah. Okay, that's great. Well great story. When my uh cat was a kitten, it kept on shitting weird. And once I had to wait, I had to catch it shit. Catch it shit. A cat a cat's a catch shit to take to the vets to check it. And then the thing is so like I I couldn't go away from it because I couldn't let it out so you had to stay in the house and wait for it to need a shit. But then I was like, well I need a shit now. So then I had to take the cat in the toilet with me, and then when I did the my shit, it started shitting as well, like in tandem. So I I caught his shit while I was doing her shit. Oh my god. It's horrible. It was a horrible like human caterpillar. And then um I f what my bum and then I just walked it down to the vets. Have you ever been ill enough to do the I've never done the mythical double header? What's that? Both ends at the same time. Oh sick yeah, I've I've had norovirus. Yeah, I've had I think I've spoken about this before. Um I I nearly rang an ambulance I thought I was gonna die. I've never felt paid like it. It was like something was eating my stomach. I actually felt like a dot like like like a wolf was chewing like actually eating. You know when you see like a buffalo that's running around with its stomach hanging out. That's how I felt. You didn't see that on the train from Exeter no. I mean I moved to the country. And the smell was so awful that Lou had to open the windows downstairs and I was upstairs. Fucking hell. Yeah. That's bad. Anyway, kidney failure. Anyway, so elderly cat had kidney failure and had to um um had to be put to sleep. Um the cat had kidney failure and stopped eating and drinking. The owner was beside herself with grief and really worried about telling her child that What? It turned out the vet hadn't given the cat a big enough dose of euthanasia. Oh my fucking God . And the cat sat in a warm car for the long drive home and in that warm kitchen while the mother explained to the child what had happened to my own. Oh my god, that's that game over. And what death means. No . The kid had asked to give the cat a final kiss and it had basically been sedated and started to move. The woman was absolutely because why you put your socks back on? Because it was hurting. Um the woman was absolutely beside herself as a child now thought they had Fuck off. Fuck off. Sorry to swear, but come on. Safe to say, at nineteen years old, I wasn't prepared for that question and own and had no idea what to say, but the gravity of the situation's only really hit me now, as I have an old cat and a four year old son of my own. When our old cat finally has to be put to sleep, I won't be bringing her home to bury and if I have no choice she will be going into the freezer. Thanks for the pod, Lizzie. Oh my word. Right now a couple of things there. One, I need to know if they had to kill the cat again. Well but we need that story. Also, Lizzie, don't take this wrong way. You need to tell us the other bit about taking the cat home, explaining that the cat had died and the kid given the kiss of life, then the cat coming back to life. Though she's giv given the reveal too early. It's like Kaiser Sose walking straight in the first credit. Yeah. It's a shame that isn't it. It is a shame. Do you think Michael will fix that in the edit? Let's see what he can do, because if he if he has, I look at it . If he's good, he's good. Alright. Do you want to boob a parent in? Yep. Here we go. Hi Rob, Josh and Michael. This happened when I was nine. It wasn't until I became a nanny ten years ago that I realised how utterly mental this move was from my dad. We went to Rome, nine-year-old me, my dad and my stepmum. I'd had a badly sprained ankle just before we went, so lots of walk. It was not what my little legs needed. We were walking around the Colosseum and my ankle started to swell. So my dad and step-mum told me to stand where I was and they'd carry on exploring and come back and find me. What? They left the nine year olds on their own in the Colosseum. Also, from the Coliseum, you can see it from the middle. Yeah, yeah. There's no need to go all the good stuff. All the best stuff where you want to be. So they left uh where the lions used to attack the yes in the middle of a capital city alone at nine yeah this was before everyone had phones so I stood on my own while my dad had left me in a corner at the Colosseum and had to wait No . Or stood as well. So what even a scene like a kind of in in the presumably the blazing hot sun. Just with one little leg a bit higher than the other leg a bit. Yeah, like a kind of prisoner of war being made to stand out in the sun. I'd like to end it with the usual Ah, but he's a great dad and I love him anyway. But that would be a lie. Ha ha So at least um this one ends of honesty. There you go, Amy, that yeah. Wow. And you don't realise it until you have your own kids either really at the data. I sent my kid into a shop earlier, uh at the weekend. Yeah. Eldest. Eldest, yeah. She found it in eight. Eight. She'd left well, we thought she left her car. I'd put it in the boot and I'd forgotten. So you sent her in the skin. We drove back to the riding shop . Oh it was so disgustingly dev and a middle class. In the defender? I I would never get a defender. Why not? I don't want one. Why not? It'd be great for the horses. We haven't got horses. Yeah. What do you mean it'd be great? You can't put horses in a defender. No, but you're in the countryside, so it's good to get about the countryside. You're more in the countryside than I did. I wasn't why you've been defensive. That's why you're attacking, mate. That's why we've got a four-wheel drive car. Because we're in the countryside. Yeah. Lou's got a gymney. She's got a what? A Suzuki gymney. So middle class and country side. Well, it's not very middle that's bit it's bit weird. It's bit quirky actually. I'd say it's more quirky than it is middle class gymney. Well I don't know what it is 'cause I don't know anything about cars. Gymney is a f tiny little four by four that looks a bit like a G Wagon, but it is literally a quarter of the size. California man. I just don't like I w when I went on Chris Evans. Sorry sorry, am I talking to you in the nineties? When I went on Chris Evans. Yeah.f Halway through the interview, he got out a tabloid and said it's car of the year tomorrow. Who do you think's gonna win? I don't know what to say to that . I don't know anyone I've not seen anyone read a tabloid in years. I know he got it out and he gave me the picture of the six cars. What are they? One of them was a Skoda 'cause I thought I thought I don't know what to say here. Yeah. And I thought he's But why is he asking you ? I don't he knows you don't care about cars. No he doesn't. Most people know just from looking at you. I know. And then he asked what car I had. And you've just got a what BMW X1? Yeah, but I wasn't as confident about that as you are now. Like I don't know. Also you say B and W if one goes, ooh, but no offence, yours is a bit of an old shit one. Is it? Well yeah, it's not a brand new fancy car, it's a it's pre-lockdown. Yeah, you've had it a good eight, nine years. Yeah, yeah. Was it brand new? It wasn't new when you bought it either, was it? Come on, Rob. If I know one thing about cars, you crossed yourself. Come on, mate. Come on I should have said that to Chris Yeah so Skoda was there? Yeah and I thought should I say That's funny 'cause they used to be bad cars But I didn't 'cause I thought that would look like I didn't . Well there's nothing worse than trying to find a comedy angle on something you've got no idea about. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's why w I don't get much involved in politics. I genuinely hadn't even heard of the make. Um, can I guess? BYD. BY B BY B Y D PULSTAR J Crew. What are you doing? J J Crew's clothing. No, J Jay Cru , I think it's called. What were the nominations for car of the year? It might have been announced by the time this goes out now. It was that day, so it will have . The the nominations were that day. Right, okay. Okay. Yeah, so there was a Skoda L Rock. No idea. The Renault 4, that doesn't feel like enough numbers, does it? They've been going for years. Renault 4. No, this is it's the new release, they've re-released it. Renault 5. No, the Renault 4. Come on, mate. Give me some credit. That's not a mistake I'd make. The Mercedes Benz, I've heard of that one. The Mercedes Benz Sorry, Nan. It must be a it's not just the Mercedes Benz. Mercedes Benz CLA. No idea. Kia E V four. No. Fiat Grande Panda. I know what a Fiat Panda is. I didn't Grande Panda. Grande Panda. Citron C five Aircross. What the f The Dachia Bigster. That Dachcia, they're like a really like budget car. They're good. You get a lot of car for a lot a lot of money . Anyway, do you want to pick the winner? Um I think it'll be the No, it's happened. Yeah, oh okay, uh well can I predict? Yep. Um I think it's gonna be the Skoda. No. Dash yeah. No . Merced The Mercedes Benz. Correct. Was it? Yeah. Third time. Well done, Mercedes. Well done, Mercedes. Congratulations. Right. Do you wanna do a a a correspondence? Yeah, I'll do a correspondence . Then what were we talking about something before we start talking about cars? Whatever we talk about, we bloody well end up. Once we get into leaders and pistons and horsepower. Bloody hell, what time is it? Right, we better go. It's like Damon Hell cancel the interviews today. We've only got him V twelve. Can't wait to host the next top gear. The problem is we both wanna be James Mate. Ha ha Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. After hearing about customer service revenge, I thought I'd get in touch about job interview revenge. Back when I was twenty one, I interviewed for a temp job doing admin. It was the end of the day and the guy interviewing me turned up about forty minutes late, meaning he, his colleagues and I were the last people in the office building on the top floor . We did the interview. I left thinking it was a bit a bit of a prick. As I was going downstairs, oh my God, I found a set of your friend of mine, Rob, you're gonna love this story. Go on. Car keys. Oh, absolutely. Right up your street. Get keyless entry . Key car keys, I don't know. No, my car. If I kick underneath it, I opens the boot. So what? If I put it a button No button. If you just put your foot underneath the bumper quickly, the boot opens. If you do it again the boot shot. No, no, that's designed. So if you've got your hands full, shopping. What? But isn't that a safety problem? No but y I've got my key with me. Oh right. So if you got the key in your pocket and you do that with your foot, the boot opens. Oh my word. There you go. God I love cars. What's your favourite thing about car? Windscreen wipers. I like sunro I like I like the back one. The back windscreen wipers. Yeah, and I like the the rear thing. If you press the button in all those little lines it gets rid of the frostbite. Oh yeah, do like that. Do you know what I like? Taking the ice off with a credit card. Do you know what I think they don't have you got heated seats? Just a bit, mate. I don't think it needs level three. I think one or two. One if you're a bit cold, two if you're at three, you've got to be fucking actually frozen. I fucking love three. It makes me feel alive. I love heated seat number three. But the the only time I do heated seat number three is if I've still got my coat on and I let it burn through the coat. Oh yeah, nice. I haven't got a heated steering wheel though. No, I don't need a heated steering wheel I'm not mental. No, but I think I'd like one. I've had one in a rental car before truth is Rob, I'd like every item I own to be heated . Name me an item you wouldn't want to be heated. Condom. No, I'd love that. Um right. The guy was a prick stuff. He's you wouldn't like heated hat. You can't wear hats. Oh no, I oh you I thought you don't like being hot. You love being heated. No, I don't like hot. No, I don't I love being hot. That's why I fall asleep. Oh, so it's it makes you cozy and you like being hot and then you go to sleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah okay. Well why don't you make your hotel rooms really hot rather than fucking texting me at eleven going, oh I can't sleep. 'Cause I was really hot. I just couldn't sleep for love nor money. I hate I hate being on a hotel room on my own. Do you wanna know what I had in my holiday inn last night? Do you think it'd be better if you had a nicer hotel? I don't know. I've I've tried it in every hotel room. Do you wanna know what spread they put on in my holiday inn? Go on. Two Milky Ways and a packet of crisps. For free? Yeah. That's nice. Actually, I've just realised I've left them. That's a bit annoying. Okay . It's all so up and down with you, isn't it? So she finds the car keys . Assuming they were his, as he had been the last person to come in, I went to return them. I knocked on the door and I could hear him and his colleague slagging me off . They didn't hear me. I proceeded to leave the building and hid the keys behind a park plant pot at the entrance. Now I think if you where were the keys? Uh they were Cause what she's done or he's done there is stolen car keys. They were on on the stairs. So they were lost property. Yeah, but I think if you put it back where they were, but moving 'em and hiding 'em is a bit . Is it theft? Yep, and I love it. Okay . I never knew the outcome, but knowing that he would have been inconvenienced well obviously he's never gonna find them. No if you hit my half armpit. You might as well flush him down the toilet. Yeah. Flush him down the toilets a lot. Well they might have to be keyed my car once in a supermarket car park. Properly keyed it all the way along. It's only have twenty minutes. That's so It's horrible, isn't it? What is what is wrong with people? Uh they're angry at their lot. I was I was angry on the train into town today. Were you I was on the eight o'clock train and it was rammed and people weren't going down the middle of aisle. You've got to push down, you've got to push down. And then I said, Excuse me, please can you move down because there's plenty of space there and we're trying to get on. Oh god, that's it. And I said that out Beckett as well. He is a gown when you rob Beckett, yeah. And do you know what? Fuck those guys. Did they move down? No. Did my bag get sh locked shut in the door? Like I was getting rammed on a busy train in Tokyo? Yes. Oh god. Did I stand directly behind a man my height and my age and did his ass bounce off my dick for twelve minutes? Well So that chilled you out a bit? Yeah, yeah. And there were negatives as well. Sorry, wait. So are you saying could uh can I correct this? Go on. Did his arse bounce off your dick, or did your dick bounce off his ass? I got on the train and I was the last one on. If I was him, I'd be going. His dick's bouncing on my ass. His dick's bouncing on my ass. So in my defence, I am last on the train. Yeah. So tight to the door that my bags got stuck so I've had to yank that forward. Right? So now I'm on and I've got my jumper dun zipped up and my coat zipped up. I'm immediately to up. You would be asleep. So I've used that one arm to like I I've got my arm all bent up that I've got one arm trying to pull that jumper down, that one down, like trying to get a bit of space. So your dick's touching his ass and your undressing. I am now now so then both my shoulders are back against the wall, like the door. Yeah. And then as the train moves , he's falling into my penis. Right. So he is bouncing off I'm not moving. Yeah. I'm the pole, he's the dancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his ass was bouncing off. And I'm just like, well this is what do I do? I can't even move my arms to cover myself, so I'm just taking it. Just taking it. Taking it like a commute a champ. I would say your description of the Rush Hour commute it is wild commuting in Russia in London. If that happened in any other situation, I'm still that bouncy. Yeah. I'd get so I'd have to get the overground to Victoria from Clapham Junction where I lived. Yeah. And then we'd get to the tube at Victoria and we'd be locked out of the tube. Yeah. Yeah, like one in one out, like a nightclub. had London Bridge. Before I've even swiped in and then and you know, this was pre-oyster . So I was using a piece of cardboard. It's mental that you people would go on a 1st of January to the station to spend about four grand on a bit of card. I know. And then you'd go, I have to keep this card. And then also every Monday, the cues for the machines to buy the weekly card was so extreme. Yeah. That I was I was getting up so early. Oh man, it was and then I'd have to get another I oh man. I used to get a permit to travel. What you used to do, there's a button you could press permit to travel, which meant the machine's not working, and this permitted you to travel, and then when you got to the end, you'd go to the counter and go, I've come from Chiselhurst or wherever, I need to pay for my fare because the machine won't work and here's my permit to travel, then you'd pay, right? Yeah. And and sometimes as well, like if I was gonna buy like what you could do is you could jump on the train, if you're buying a weekly pass, you could get to that little bit if you go, look, I need to buy my weekly pass, I was late for the train, it's jumped on. I used to do it loads 'cause I was running late. Let me do it. Anyway, I tried to do it once. And I there was ticket guys there, right? And um this was probably about fifteen years ago, so I'd have been like twenty one or something like that. And um the guy goes, No, you've got to get a fine. I went, no, I'm gonna go and buy a weekly pass. I normally do it there, they let me do it. No, you're getting fined, you're getting fined. I was like, fine, whatever, okay. Name, whatever, address, give it to him, date of birth, and I wrote it down, 2nd of January nineteen eighty six. And he goes, is that the what date's that? He went, is that thirty six or eighty six? I went, what do you fucking think? Ha ha ha I went roll the dice, I have a guess . Have I ever told you about the job I had checking whether advertising boards were on in the tube? Michael? No. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding We need a bell. We need a bell for a new anecdote. A new thing I don't know about yet. Ding ding ding ding ding. New anecdote alarm. You new new job alarm. Well I've run out of jobs now if we do this one. This is. Okay, well that was the first alarm I might have another job that we can use the alarm for that you don't know I did. Okay, yeah. Go on. So I there was a brief period where I was short of money. Yeah. And I my friend had a job and he got me in on it where you'd whoever owns the advertising boards in the tube, the move the m moving screen ones. The moving The screen ones rather than the paper ones. Right yeah, the to computer T V monitor ones. You'd be given a load of stations with maps and all the boards on and you'd have to travel round and tickle cross which was working and which wasn't working. That's a mental job, isn't it? It's a wild job. Well because they say like AI is gonna take jobs away. But then like that job don't exist anymore. Well quite rightly though. Also just for the good of the person. They also they told me to put on a high viz. I'm like, there's no fucking way I'm putting on a high vi z. Cause no one's going down the escalator as a high viz on anyway. It's not like you're walking like against the elevator escalator. And it looked bad enough that I was going up the escalator. No offense, Josh. You don't need a high viz. You've got enough. Thanks, mate. There's enough of you no looking careful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your health and safety enough. Hard hat and jacket on you. Yeah. People will go. Are you should you be out on your own ? No, I'm just checking these. Is this a hobby? Someone comes up, yeah he likes doing this, he comes down. I've told him it's a job, it just keeps him busy. Yeah, actually I never got paid . Look, hob jobby call it what you want. Yeah, exactly. Right should do it that way. Did we ever get to the end? Oh yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. So that's Lizzie and Leeds who's Oh the customer service revenge. Parenting fails. House party stories, flying solo as a child. What we got here? Seeing other people on holiday? I don't remember . Panicking in paradise. Seeing other people on holiday was um when you bump into someone you du from your real life on holiday, how awful it is. Well tell you what, should we do a seeing other people on holiday and in a panic because I panicking in paradise was when I kept on crying when I went to the mall beach because I was exhausted and was trying to regulate. Um Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael. You recently talked about seeing people you know on holiday. One of our neighbours is a PA for a CEO of a company . She's married with a teenage daughter. Her boss always seems to be at her house and when her husband is out of work, which had already grown our suspicions that something wasn't quite right. Oh it was more like a bouldroom shagger story.. Yeah, yeah We went to Wales for a weekend away and and halfway up a mountain we spotted the neighbour and her boss. We said hello, they looked startled. Oh no. She bumbled away through an excuse saying they were on a Oh my god. We didn't see anyone else that day on the route. Later that evening we bumped into them again in a nearby village having a romantic dinner. Once again, their excuse was the rest of the team had gone out to a nearby pub and as the boss he wanted to let them relax without him there. Do you know what? That's a good excuse. Yeah, but CEOs are normally serial killers, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. Oh no yeah to get to the high level of business you've got to be. There's a podcast about it. Diary of a CEO. Wake up, thumbnails, clip, wake up, make someone cry, clip it up. That's my diary. Um who'd diaries he have? Nobody actually tell you what they do day to day. It's all big thinking. Um I don't think I could do that podcast. Imagine it now, I mean like that. Oh god, it'd be awful. If I hasn't Romesh done it. Yeah but fucking hell means that right now. He turned up to a court the other day offered to do jury service just to fill a few days. It was Judge Romersh. While you're on the tube, Rom you couldn't check those video screens, could you Anyway, that is good excuse though. Cut a few months later, the neighbour fell back. I think he's thought of that before. I think he's first rodeo. Him and the PA , they've obviously gone they've obviously discussed it a lot. Yeah. And then they've gone, if we're going out for dinner, what are we gonna say if we bump into them again? Yes. It's a good excuse. Yeah. Cut a few months later, the neighbour fell pregnant, which was amazing as her husband had been seconded to the Middle East on business. Oh no Oh no. One day the CEO turned up at her house with the mamas and papas back on the bottom in paradise. Oh no, bumping into people . We can't help but wonder, is he the father, David from Lancashire? One day the what? The We turned up with a load of mummas and papas stuff shopping bags. Oh god. Oh man. Do you wanna panic it in paradise? Yeah. Hello, Rob and Josh. Rob's story about sobbing through his first five days in the mall s. The cost . Um no, but I needed it. Tears aren't bad. You could you could sobbing Bromley. Yeah, I know, but it wouldn't they wouldn't they wouldn't they wouldn't create a rainbow. They wouldn't drop in some crystal clear water on the top of a sting ray or an eagle ray. Um anyway, it took me back to um York on holiday in 2014. My husband and I were travelling with our 11-month-old and four-year-old plus my challenging in quotation marks mother-in-law who had come along to help with the childcare. After a faulty shower caused a flood on the first day, we were upg upradgrade ed to a quiet area with a beautiful, serene ground floor apartment overlooking the sea. The family kindly decided to go out and give me a break. magazine for the first time in over a year and promptly burst into tears. The sheer the sheer exhaustion and relief at being alone in the stunning location was just too overwhelming. Keep up the good work sharing what you feel like to be a printing. Yes, Kaz. There we go. I like this . Why not? Why not? Why not? Saves me looking at my phone. Um get my screen time down. How does this Yeah, I know, it's well out of order, isn't it? It's so annoying. And I like to podcast me. If I have a video podcast on, or like a clip of talksport, something like that, on my phone and I'm unloading the dishwash I did a lock screen. Oh what just to get the screen time down? Yeah. And does that get it down? Do you know what I did the other day? I was driving and I thought there's ten miles to the next jun ction. I'm just gonna turn my satnav off for a bit to chip into my screen time. Yeah, but if you know you're not actually looking at the screen it doesn't it's not bad, is it? No, but it's I know It's just like cheating your golf scores. I know, but that's the same one with talk sport. Yeah, but I don't care about my screen time. Well I do. R I Why? Because every Monday it tells me I feel like a piece of shit. What is your screen time now? It was five and a half hours last week. Have a look now. What for today? Just see. Mine is um five hours twenty-three minutes. Last week? Yeah. Oh I had a good day yesterday. What was it last week? I've started using my brick again. Are you okay? No. You're not okay, are you? Have you been have you been listening to this podcast the last six years? No. What's your screen time? Uh so far this week it's three and a half hours. Oh that's good. Yeah. It's working. Thank you, Brick. Anyway, Panic In Paradise. Hello, um Rob's chat about Panic It in Paradise took me back to my own experience of freaking out and a similarly beautiful place. My husband and I both turned forty in spring twenty three and decided that instead of presents we treat ourselves to a trip of a lifetime. That's what you did. Yep. Barbados This is a lady called Ruth in Brom G'srove. Um they went to Barbados with our children that were eight and six. We waited excitedly for months and with only three weeks to go, I found out I was very pregnant with a surprise third baby. There we go, the old P A to the boss. So my dreams of sunshine, beaches, and turquoise seas changed dramatically into being permanently exhausted at eight weeks pregnant, throwing up, napping whenever I could, and enjoying the ultimate torture, watching my husband casually demolish endless rum cocktails while Fast forward to now and we have Arlo, our cheeky wonderful two year old, who has slotted him perfectly into our family. He's adored Oh this is all the fucking bollocks where she feels guilty for moaning. Here we go, I'll let you have it though. He's adored by our eleven year old sister and nine-year-old brother and by us too. Even he did kind of ruin my holiday. Keep up the work, I'm a long time listener and now loving watching you guys eagerly awaiting the live action moment of Josh realising he's forgotten to update in a parking permit. Well that d doesn't apply anymore 'cause it's ex in Exeter . No parking permits? No park we've got we we've got a drive. You've got to drive? I told I told you about the drive. It's amazing, isn't it? Yeah. You're look and you're l so much less stressed from it. Oh my god. Do you know what I do sometimes Rob? Yeah. It's so much easier to get stuff out of my car because It's nearer your house. It's nearer my house. Who knew? I mean I I would say that's the main selling point of the driver. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I I think most people have known that before having a drive. Yeah, I didn't really thought it through. Yeah, I don't think people go, they're overrated. But they're really good. I I you know, I don't want to, you know. Also it's good for me because I'm such a petrol head. Yeah, you can get all your cars lined up when you go. You got a double drive or just single drive? What's that? Well, try and work it out. Nineteen thirty-six. Um a double drive. So you've got you can get two cars on there? Yeah. Yeah, look at that. So you can have one that you're doing up, like a kit car that you're building, and then you can have the car. Well that's what yeah, I've got a garage for for when I'm you know, under the old bonnet. Okay, panic in paradise. I've one more of these. Just uh email to share my panicking in paradise story. After Rob discussed recent crime episodes in the Maldives. Back when my daughter was seventeen months old we went to the St. Lucia for an amazing two week trip. We had a family room on the ground floor, and one night I was woken in the early hours by a constant and very unusual noise at our patio door, a sort of hard thumping sound. Oh we had this in we had that one of those Water Villa things, you know the hard thumping sound at the door. Well no it wasn't but we had this banging in the night. Yeah. And I was like, what's that? And um the next day when I was snorkelling I saw there was a bit of wood that had come apart and was banging on the other bit of wood with the waves. And it was quite loud in the night. In the day you didn't notice it, but when it's all quiet. So when I rang the hotel and it's like a very nice hotel, and someone in a nice hotel uniform was like, No, don't worry, Mr. Beckett, we'll get that sort of thing. Stop crying, it's not that bad. It's really honestly. Stop crying, we'll fix it. We are on it, let me assist you, we'll sort it all out that yeah. And then he walked off in like his suit and then I saw a bloke sort of looking round the co like sort of round a bush like that. And it was just like a just some geezer and a pair of swimming trunks with some goggles and a bit of rope. So that this guy from like the front desk had come with that and he's getting just jumped in and I went down and he just tied it up with rope this episode is brought to you by Tesco Mobile. Now, we've all heard it takes a village to raise a child. Yes. These days, a lot of that village is found on your phone isn't it Rob? Absolutely. Some people say having your phone is so imperative because you can connect with your children, you can message them, you can track where they are. For me, you're out with your mates, it's been a long meal, your kids are bored, give 'em your phone, let 'em go on Rob lox. All I'm saying is they're gonna have a good hour, you're gonna have a good hour. Do you know what I like, Rob? If I'm ground down by the tiredness of maybe an ill child or something, I just need to talk to someone who has been through it and understands what I've gone through. And while I'm lying there with my child going to sleep on the bed, I can't just phone my mate, but I can text them, I can put it in a WhatsApp group of dads and mums and suddenly you feel less alone. Or you can listen to a podcast on your phone. Exactly. And maybe tune into something like Parent in Hell with Robert Josh Wheeler. Exactly, exactly. Do you know what? Yeah. Or maybe you want tips, right? Yeah. We've all got friends whose children have been through the same stuff as us. I've been constantly texting them to say, Oh, this is happening. Give us some advice. Give me some advice. Because that is how a lot of our communication is done these days, and it's incredibly useful to have that the touch of a thumb. Whether you need a quick chat, advice, or just backup, every parent out there knows having a network of family and friends just to call or text away is a lifesaver. That's why Tesco Mobile is happy to be your second most important network. Tesco Mobile, it pays to be connected. Search why Tesco Mobile to find out more . Uh so they heard banging. Okay. My daughter was in a cot near the doors and my first assumption was someone was trying to break in. Needless to say, my heart was pounding. I did try to wake my husband, but he was dead to the world, having lost a brutal battle to the all-inclusive cocktail menu the night before. When the noise continued and changed from a thumping to scratching, I then started to wonder if it was the results resident dog scratching at the door to come in. Some sort of Yorkshire farm or St. Lucia Resort. Anyway, in an effort not to wake the baby, I wanted to shoo the dog away, so I crept over and knelt on the floor right by the patio door, like a woman in a low budget horror film. I gently this is so weird. What's this got to do with This is panicking in Paradise? I think she's just telling us about a horrible story. It was more like emotion creeping up on your stories. Anyway, she's on all fours looking for a patio door. I gently peeled the curtain up but couldn't see anything due to the pitch blackness outside. I then tried shining my phone light but it just reflected back at me. So in the end I opted to switch the terrace light on. I mean I can't believe that weren't a first option. Yeah. Um to see what the dog was doing and hoped to scare it away. When I flicked on the exterior light and knelt back on the floor to lift the curtain again, inches away from my face was an absolutely gigantic crab , the size of a dinner plate. Fuck that. Fuck that. Legs everywhere, pincers clicking, and its body pressed flat against the glass as it was trying to climb through the window and into my soul. Oh my god. Obviously, I screened it, unsurprisingly the bab The next morning we mentioned it to the staff who casually explained that they were Caribbean king crabs and they often wander from the beach at night, although I could have done with that information beforehand. Fuck. A door of the pod, listening since the beginning, keep being sex relatable, Rebecca and Cheltenham. I mean great story, but I not really what we were after. But I enjoyed it. That's just yeah, it's for her though, it's a very niche story to try and get into a podcast somehow and I think she's taken a good opportunity there 'cause she's been waiting for crab stories for five years. Yeah, because I wanted to do some Caribbean King crab anecdotes and I didn't think there'd be a market for it. But if anyone else has got Ye Yeah crab stories . Take that as you wish. Take that as you wish. Did I tell you I saw a big I saw a big dog last week . Pardon? Um So Are you on something? No, no. You feel high have you had like Noah been waiting to tell you about my big dog. Go on what big dog you see? There was a guy in a cafe. I said can I take a fur 'cause it was such a big dog. What breed ? I don't know, but it was forty-seven kilos, right? Yeah. But it was a puppy, it was seven months old. Oh my god. And he said it would go up to ninety-five kilos. That's heavier than me. I know. And I'm carrying timber. Imagine having me in your house, you've got a feed. It's got good It needs to carry out the time, wouldn't it? So it send me a picture then. Well it's it's more than. Can we show the camera? How's this gonna work? You can show the show on the camera. No, 'cause it's an invasion of the guy's privacy, really. No, it ain't. He's a fucking attention seeking dickhead with a massive dog in a cafe going, Oh, it's gonna be ninety-five kilos. He loves it, he's boring, that's his whole personality. Well we can't include the picture now. No, yeah, fair enough. Imagine. Well let's see a picture of it. I can't see it ca it's not come up. No, because I said I wasn't gonna see it. But I want to see it, I can see it, can't I? Just the audience can't see it. Okay. Irish wolfhounds are big dogs. Big dog. What's it called? I do think people that have either big dogs or aggressive dogs, it is a well I that's becomes your personality. What did you say to him? He said I said it's a bit of a talking point or something like that. He said, Yeah, he I said, What's it like living in the shadow of your dog? And he said it's a very underwhelming dog. Well it's because it's a puppy. It's not that big. But think of it. I would not look at that dog and go, that is a big dog. You would if Oh I I should say that again. I saw a big puppy. Let me talk again. Cool, it's big, isn't it? Yeah, it's a big puppy, yeah. Yeah . You've got to say that's a big puppy. At the moment it's the same size as a big Labrador. Yeah, but it's a puppy. Yeah, I know, but then did you know it was a puppy immediately? No. No, so what do you say to him? Call that's a big dog. But I don't think that's a conversation starting dog size. Well actually I tell you. And I take it all back. And he's got this isn't a personality dog. Do you know what he's got there? A large dog. Everyone was talking about his dog. No one. The reason I was. That's only because there's a smaller dog near him. It was so fluffy. I said, how do you I bet you wash his hair a lot. He's so fluffy. Sorry, uh are you a lonely old nan sat in a bingo ball? What are these conversations you're having? I was killing time before. Um It the dog is on you. Like when the dog's on you, you can't examine. What do you mean the dog's on you? Like I was in a small cafe and the dog was on you was on you. He looks like a nice guy, actually. I'll take it all back. Yeah. I think you should you've over egged the pudding on that dog. Let me I'll find you a big dog. Google Irish Wolfhound . How much does it weigh? Well it depends how much you're feeding it. Um they go up to ninety kilograms as no ninety but no Well there you go, this one's big that dog's gonna be ninety five kilograms. That's bolloc No no, males go over to over a hundred kilograms. Yeah, that is a big dog. That is a big dog. That's a big that's a fo I found as well. Yeah, that's that's a that's a big dog. Markle, that's a big dog, isn't it? Or a small man. That's a big dog, yeah. Tell you what isn't that That is a big that's a big puppy. It's a big puppy. I just thought you were gonna see a wolf hound under over under kilograms. That one's over six foot tall. P well no, you don't know how tall the man is, he might be four foot He's five eleven. I can tell people's heights immediately. It's a little gill I've got what's that? You're five foot seven. Okay, we're recording three interviews today. Yeah . I want you to to guess each of their heights. What when they come in? Yeah. We are interviewing a lady, am I allowed to guess her height? No, it's her weight. I don't do her age. Age and weight. It's a new thing on the podcast as I walk in, age and weight forty eight eighty two kilograms. What's that? Thirty seven seventy kilograms. Okay, fair enough. That's what you want. We've got through about three emails, Rob, as always. Let's do some small business. Oh, I need a tea. I've got a dog. I took it to a cafe. It's not a dog, it's a puppy. Here we go. Uh both quickly scrolling trying to find the shortest one. Yeah. Oh god. Here's a good tip if you're doing small business. The tighter the email, the more likely they are to be chosen. Here we go. Hi Robin Josh. I'm an OG listener. I know that's the one I'd found. With th Your reality and normality has been a welcome regular sound in my chaotic house. I'd love a small bit of shout-out. After being made redundant in twenty twenty-four, I've now founded Luna the Dental Vets. Affordable fixed price expert dental care for dogs and cats. We have a practice in Bristol and about to open one in Wokingham. Check us out www. luna .pet. My husband works part time in the police. Hey, they all bloody work part time in the police, don't they? Oh yeah, we bloody go. Um and has been an absolute hero raising the rabble and now supporting my venture. Would love a shout out to support our small business, trying to make a change in the mostly corporate and ridiculously expensive vet world. Keep up the pod. It's now a public service and your duty. Louise, there you go, Luna Pet. Gobble gobble boys, hoping to get the chance to get an SPS from you for my dog walking business walks with Mimi . I've recently decided that it was time to take the risk and do what I've always wanted to do and start up my new dog walking stroke pet drop in business based in North Dorset Stroke, South Somers et. I'm fully insured DBS checked and trained in can ine first aid up to ninety-four kilograms . I've always been the person who loves that just in case you're worried, if you have got the big dog. I've always been the person who loves being around animals as much as possible and at the ripe old age of twenty-four I've realised life is too short, even if your dog isn't. Oh no, she didn't say that. To constantly be let down pushed around behind the body. No, no, no. The puppy, sorry. I can't tell you how dominating it was in the cafe. Yeah, but I I 've all we've all taken a photo of the Grand Canyon and it doesn't do it. No, but I think that dog's a bit like Mike Tyson. He's incredibly intimidating and powerful and big, but not as big as he's actually quite small when you strip away the energy. Yeah. Yeah. And what does that dog do to you then in that cafe? Well it was no it not it didn't do anything specific. Did uh did it touch you? Well I I touched it. But it came to you. Did it get on you? It's like on a leash, isn't it and it's like Did it get on you? Well I've stood up. It didn't. Find me on Instagram at walks with dot me , Facebook walks with me me or email me walkswithmeme at Yahoo.com. I would love the opportunity to make this for my full time job all while giving your dogs the walks they deserve. Uh thanks for doing what you're doing from Maisie. What why did you ask me who I thought we could say Mimi. It it does feel odd that she's called Mimi, yeah, Mimi walks maze, yeah. Odd that she's called Maze. I'm still thinking about what happened to you in that cafe. Hey Harry Potter socks. You what? Harry Potter socks. That's Sherlock Holmes. Fucking hell. W What ? I got them from the Sherlock Holmes gift shop to one B Baker Street. Sometimes when I walk past it I go in 'cause it calms me. Why do you like Sherlock Holmes so much? Oh, best. We well let's talk let's let's put a pin in that. I love Sherlock Holmes. Ding ding ding ding ding. Did you not know that? No. Oh man. Let's let's talk next time. That'd be my desert island book. Let's let's talk next time about Sherlock Holmes. We won't. We'll forget. He tell you who wouldn't forget. Sherlock. The master detective. Is he is that what he calls himself? Well that's what I call it. That's he doesn't call himself that but people call him that. Sometimes I listen to it goes go to sleep. But the Stephen Fry audiobook of all the books that's like sixty hours and you think why has he done that with his time? You're the one listening? Yeah. True. Cheers to Stephen. Right, see you next week. Bye. Hello, parenting how listeners recognise that voice? Yes, it's Josh Whiticam here . I have got a new podcast, Josh Whiticam's Museum of Pop Culture. And I'm gonna say it , I'm about 85% sure you're gonna love it. Here are the reasons why. Number one, I'm confident if you're listening now, you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny. Number two, I'm confident if you're listening now, you like podcasts Number three, I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob, you prefer pop culture to people talking about things, let's be honest, boring things like history, economics, or politics. I know I do, and that is why I made this podcast. See above. Basically I wanted a podcast that realised Millie Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I . Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr. Blobby. When Ghost Watch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real, when a band burned a million pounds for a laugh, the Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic spider-band musical with music from you too and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in the fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realized you wanted to, or you don't, and you 're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history. Stiff necks will learn, loose necks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday. Perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe, and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Whitakam. Available everywhere from the 1st of January.