Unexpected Mayoral Succession and Conclusion

You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM. Quirpline this week is brought to you by Parabellum Vellum Flabellum, a delicate instrument to help cool your home, made from the finest onion skin paper and sharpened to a point. Herbellum vellum flavellum! Available at the Innsberg Makellum. Good morning, Insberg! Welcome to Corp Line. Big G Money here with A Train. How's it going, Alex? Feeling wound snug but not tight. Are are are you in danger of uh I don't know, popping? I promised myself I wouldn't go to that subreddit anymore. Well, I hope everyone is having a clear and Oh it's PO UR I really thought I had something going there. I thought they were referring to your skin. Yeah, is this the first time anyone has seen this written down? What, you think they keep them all on tape? I don't know what they do down there. Maybe they operate an oral tradition. Speaking of which, it's the news. Birdwaters rejoice. The brown thrum is returning to nesting season. Barbara Dooley from the Innsberg Birding Society is urging caution to excite birders though, because the famously quick eared thrum has picked up a new mating song during its winter in Cabo. Uh that's the the bird that just screams, right? Not anymore. Apparently the thrum's vocal cords are agile enough to mimic the lyrics to Nelly's country grammar. I mean, that's actually kind of cool. The Innsberg Birding Society is cautioning that the thrum's new song may not be suitable to an all-ages bird-watching audience. Earplugs will be available by donation at the Frampton Downs Nature House for those with sensitive ears and aura dispositions. Hold on, they didn't learn the radio at it? And speaking of good news, supporters of the Innsberg Nudist Topiary Club are visibly flush with excitement after ex-Mair Dick Thurpston's massively unpopular hedge byla w was repealed. Quote: No longer will our ideals be stuffed into the unyielding crotch of Thurpston's legislative genes, says nudist vice provost Stanislav Halfmast. That's needlessly vivid. With the repeal, the betting window on this deliberative session has closed, so if you were on the right side of history, you can pick up your winnings at the bookie windows outside town hall. I sure hope some of you hedged your bets out there. Town hall's gonna have a hard time paying out if we were all betting against little Dicky. As per Tinsburg political tradition, the repealed bylaw has been struck, double hammer punched in the solar plexus, axe handled in the back, and cursed for seven generations. Good briddance. But now in more pleasant news, it's the arts with Edith Slump. Edith is down at the dark side of town hall, where a local artist has unveiled a new mural. How's it going down there, Edith? Do you want the honest answer or the radio friendly one? You uh feeling okay there, Edith? Well, to be perfectly honest with you, Graham . This is the first time I've been sober in two weeks, and you know what? I don't like it. I want to go back. I'm sorry to hear that you just said that on radio. Then we're both sorry I'm here. Well, at least you're on the dark side of town hall. Yeah, that works out pretty well 'cause man this mural is awful. Oh Why are you reporting on an ugly mural? Well, Graham, there's been a real explosion of artistic energy in the city. And not just because the city's parade budget has been restored and there is a rush on wheat paste. Everyone is so excited that Dick Thurpston is finally gone that arts groups have become more bold. Also, since Tasman Funt resigned, no one's around to handout permits anyhow, so it's a real free for all. This is just the first mural that got finished. And boy does it show. Perhaps you would be in a better mood to be doing this reporting if you hadn't spent the entire skirmish down at the town hall slamming Belgian ticklers. I was embedding myself in the movement, Alex. You practically embedded yourself in the pavement. Can we move on to unveiling this mural. Uh if we must. But I do want to stress to our listeners that this unveiling is strictly metaphorical. There's no curtain or drapery to pull away . And to be honest, if there was, it would just be disappointing. Anyway, I have the artist Juicy toothbrush here. Juicy, can you tell us about whatever it is that you I understand you might have some issues understanding it from this vantage point, but when you take it back as a hole, I feel like it really overtakes the senses, why not? Oh is this one of those paintings that's meant to be seen from a distance or from around a blind corner? At best, yes. However, if you get closer, more and more details will resolve themselves. I like to think myself as inspired by the painter of light, Thomas Kinkade himself, except I'm more of a worker of the dark arts and I like to envelop things in shadow I see are the heavy pew stones meant to represent Richard Thurpston's cowardice as he barricaded himself inside the town hall. Oh absolutely, you can see bits of it wafting out towards the tigers as they approached the moat around the actual building. Now hold up there, I was a firsthand witness to the siege of town hall no court would ever accept your testimony. I may have had one or two Belgian ticklers per hour, but last time I checked there was no tigers at Town Hall and there 's no boat either. Unless you count when the girl scouts spilled an entire tray of Schlorpos into the recessed bike lanes. And even if you do that was only twenty minutes. Oh not everything in Ot needs to be taken quite so literally. Sometimes it's a metaphor. Sometimes it's just embellishment. One needs look no further than Nelly's country grammar to see a good example of this. Toothbrush, you told me this mural captured a historic moment . Don't you think it should at least be accurate? What I like to feel in my heart of hearts is that this mural depicts what was happening in Unsberg's heart of hearts at that moment? So this is supposed to represent the carnage we were hoping would erupt? And a bit of an arrhythmia. We should really get that looked at. Now, if I may have your attention, behold some of the subtle details that I have worked into this mural, this shaft of light, which is coming down from the heavens to illuminate this singular an imal. I made that with a sponge. Oh yeah, I can really tell. Ah, I understand. You're you're definitely a connoisseur of sponges then. I mean I've got more sponge work on this wall here. There's some natural sea sponges, there's a few kitchen sponges. I even broke out the contraceptive sponges for a little bit of dry sponging in the details of the fur. Is that why Kitty Corner was all sold out? Hey yeah, I ended up having to use one of the gas station vulcanized rubbers. It's like wearing a boot. Oh I'm not sure I can do this anymore . Graham, Alex, I think I might still be drunk. Oh, no way. Oh, you might want to back away from the painting a bit. The fresco is still very wet and it's off gassing something fierce. Actually, you know what? I've changed my mind. This isn't just a poorly rendered mural. It's an entire sensory experience. I had complet ely overlooked the olfactory component and the time limited Right now it's capable of taking you on a frankly inaccurate journey to relive what may or may not be the siege of town hall, but after it dries it will merely be an eyesore . Also I really don't think that looks like it Yeah, I kind of moved the two of them into one. Well, uh, Edith, I think you need to have a lie down. What a good suggestion, Graham. There's some very nice looking cardboard boxes back here . So I just g have a little sit down. Well hopefully not with this mural. I've described it pretty exhaustively . Sweet dreams, don't let the box bugs bite. Speaking of substance induced nightmares, it's time for traffic. We go now to Richter Hammock Slam up in the QWRP Traffic Quapter. How's it going up there, Richter? Hello, Graham. I'd like to alert commuters who are traveling from the chums up to the Shaunessy Turnpike, that there is currently a backup all the way to Third Avenue. If you're looking to travel south, you may want to consider an alternate route, perhaps on Mason Street or Riffleton Boulev ard. Shumble Drive is backed up by three blocks thanks to an accident, and the Salt Flats are currently closed for annual drag race championships Was that real traffic? Uh I th th ank you Rich ter I think he read that motivational book I gave him. Okay, got it! That's how it's done, Joy! Did you have any questions? I know the interchange from First Avenue to Innsberg Wing Road is kind of tricky! Oh no, he read the wrong book. Richter? Did you accidentally on purpose kidnap a child again? Alex, you of all people should know that it's not take your daughter to work day until next week. Regardless, the adoption papers haven't even been finalized yet. No, Joy has just completed her junior commercial pilot's license and with the help of Unsberg High Aerospace Club is flying alongside me in her brand new experimental autogiro ! Careful of the rotor wash, sunshine! Richter, that's uh That's astounding. Please pass on my very real and heartfelt congrat ulations. Oh, it's been a grueling process for her, but having her up in the coffee these past six months has really let her crank out the required hours. I bet you didn't even notice I wasn't doing the flying I'm my cardiologist has advised me to never take extra notice of what you're doing. You should hear what my therapist has to say about Richter. And as part of her work experience program, she'll be taking over traffic reporting for Jimmy Jams afternoon jams and the prank patrol. Richter, she's 11. I know, right? I've always said she's bright for her age. That's why I revived the summer intern mentality project. She's gonna be such an asset, and because she's only 11, the station will be able to keep her forever It's not a medieval apprenticeship, Richter. So Joy, I guess all that's left to do now is teach you the phrase the face. Richter, that only works during Jimmy Jam's afternoon jams in the prank patrol. Give me your money. This is Richter Hammock Slam up in the QWRP traffic co optor signing off and handing over to Joy. Back to you, Graham . I don't know how to feel. I heard the broadcast, and I've brought you Rolades and this homemade epinephrine. Oh, thank you, Michael. That's that's a very long syringe. That's very nice of you. I always have my eye on your health, Graham. That's why my watch sends you the updates. It's true that you only added me to your family sharing so that we could share apps and streaming. But I've come to cherish the responsibility. Huh at least today's show shouldn't get any more stressful. It's Derek next, isn't it though? That is the general sequence of things. Alex, why are you staring at the ceiling? Is that lampshade crooked? I can't tell. We go now to summer intern Derek, who is live on location with details on the formal transition of Richard Thurston III from the Intinsburg mayoral office to jail. How's it going, Derek? Hi Graham. Hi Alex. It's me, Summer Intern Derek. Guys, I'm so excited because today I get to be a part of Intinsburg history. Today we witnessed the transition of a t wait, you already did this line. You stole my line, Graham. Derek, it's been a rough show so far. Please just carry on. Alright, fine, but I thought that was gold. It took me minutes to come up with. I'm here downtown next to Innsberg's very first and most despised funicular railway. Nobody in town likes it and we all want to get rid of it. And the town council came with some very interesting ideas on how to make use of it now that no one's going to ride it anymore. Uh-huh. This is gonna require a little bit of backstory, so I need you to be patient. I feel like we're always pretty patient with you, Derek. So the other day, I had the honor of being down at the town hall to watch everybody sit around a whiteboard and come up with ideas on how to deal with Dick Thurpston now that we no longer want to be mayor of our fine city. And according to my notes, we had some really amazing ideas. For example, several people wanted to chain him up in the spite house, but that's not technically jail, and he did commit crimes? The second most popular option was to set him loose to live as a phantom in the labyrinth under the city. You mean the rum tunnels? Yeah. Everyone thought of it as a form of community sentencing. Yeah, but what has he ever done for the community? A funicular and rec essed bike lanes. Eric. And there was a lot of other really good brainstorming. But after we did all of it, Judge Cecily Waffle Parker reminded everyone that he has to go to the real actual county jail in Julesburg. My dad didn't like that very much because he says the county doesn't appreciate blue sky thinking. Oh also Dick gave us a reviled figure to rally against. Uh yeah, all right, sure, I'll give you that. Now according to the minutes, after that point everyone got really sad, and then the judge added that it was up to us to decide how we get him to jail, wink wink. And then everyone got really happy. So they erased the whiteboard and everyone started yelling out ideas on how to get him to jail. And uh let's see, the one idea that had the most red stickers indicating a strong preference just said more railway. Oh yeah, this was my idea. I I figured he wanted a rail so bad we could run him out of town on it. Which brings you there. No, the broadcast fan brought me here, and we're at the midpoint of the newly elongated funicular line, and I'm standing here with Dr. Darren Von Spraun, who's appointed project manager for his great enthusiasm and I'm assuming engineering chops. Welcome to you, Dr. Von Spron. Boy, that's awfully specific. I have been ordered by this court to make this very clear. And of course we are also joined by the man of honor himself. And by honor, I'm using that word ironically. Wink wink. Did I do it right, guys? Well, no, but we can talk about it later. Please keep going. It's former Mayor Dick Thurpson the third. Do you have anything to say to the audience, Dick? You stinking peasants will pay for treading on my dreams. Damn every one of your beating, leery eyes. Okay, that's enough of that. Officer Steve, will you please replace the ball gag? This is humiliat , did you dare did you say ball gag? It was sitting with the fuzzy handcuffs we found in his office. We wanted to make sure nothing of his was left behind. You know when you retroactively don't want to have heard the answer to a question? Sorry, you c you you carry on, Derek. So doctor Von Sprunt, what's the big idea that helps us run this scoundrel out of town? After extensive research, I can categorically say that this is the best solution upon which to run Dick out of town on his own fun icula. We initially found joy in the idea of uh the suffering that Dick would have of running him out of townwn on his o infrastructure. But there was a significant shortfall in the amount of pre existing track. The solution I came upon was to tear up half the track at great expense and move it at what is civically responsible to mention was a very great expense, and connect it at the current track terminus, roughly doubling its length, and making it long enough to accelerate deck to what I have calculated to be county terminal velocity. Sorry, did you build a monorail gun? Yeah, the launch vehicle containing Mr. Serbson will uh achieve velocities of up to 25,000 miles per hour in the time it takes to enter a low Earth's atmosphere . At Apogee, Dick will enter free fall, and explosive charges will deploy the drogue chutes that will slow his descent for a splashdown in one of our predicted landing zones with an accuracy estimate of less than ten miles Ten miles? I thought you people got ballistic trajectories worked out in the Cold War. Hey, who are you calling you people? Rocket scientists. Oh, no rockets have hired. The launch vehicle is impelled by massive electromagnet ic impulse, powered by a direct connection to the insub power grid. I'm sorry, could I cut back in to the part where you said great expense? You said it twice. Then it's an ambitious project and I only had two weeks to work out the particulars as a funicular. Uh Derek, can you park the mobile broadcast fan somewhere else? Maybe over by the high school? But that's the other side of town. You'll thank me later. I'm gonna level with you Von Spront. This sounds like it might be dangerous. Oh, Mr. Kirpline, it's more than dangerous. It's very likely lethal. Oh cool. And that is why we are going to first test fire with the dummy plug. Oh, is this gonna be like when Unit 01 engages Ramiel and Nerve has to reroute El Japan's power grid to the posit ron rifle? Yes, I suppose in a completely different manner than the one you've described. We can discuss this later, but for now, let the fireworks begin . Hey Graham, uh could you pass me the ROLAIDS? Atomic batteries to power , turbines to speed. We have atomic batteries? Is that an earthquake? Oh I can feel that from here. Ex aster is ad vinkula My Samarium! Gentle listeners, if you weren't leaning out the window right now, you're probably wondering what's going on, and it's my job to tell you. It's bananas the dummy plug rocketed down the monorail and blushed itself into the side of Dick Thurpston's house. It's completely destroyed a solarium. Dr. Von Sprout, was that supposed to happen? Well, I could not legally says I was outside the realm of possibility, but if only because it actually happened before my very eyes. Ja , shall we uh meet back here another two weeks? Give it another shot. No, he literally has to go to jail today we have Wait, why? There's not some like archaic legal loophole where he gets to go free, is there? No, Sandra just says he can't stay in the rum tunnels for another night. Oh, no, yeah. Yeah, no, I mean yeah no, poor Sandra. She has enough phantasms as it is. Guys, I could do it. What stay in the rum tunnels? You're not old enough. No, I mean I can drive him. I, Derek, shall do the deed. I shall throw Dick in the back of the QWRPFM mobile broadcast fan that I recently gassed up and then also cleaned the windshield and I will drive hell bent for leather but not over the speed limit and deliver him to the county jail in Julesburg for he shall rot forevermore or, until he makes parole or they get bored of him or whatever it is they're supposed to do, because I'm not clear on the legal system because I'm only ninete en . Sweet, one less thing for me to do. Officer Steve, throw that discreet in the back of the mobile broadcast van . Why does it smell like ham in here? Graham and Alex, I shall call you in three hours where I have delivered him to the safe embrace of Julesburg. Back to you . That's interesting. I've never had a headache Kinda funny. Two mares in a row sent up the river, huh? Man, remember when that Lancer guy from Chuffield University told us we had to have a mare? You know, I'm prepared to say that's patently untrue. I think this town has been noticeably worse off since we started having mares. Hold the metaphorical phone, Graham and Alex. Hello, dear listeners of QWRP. Special intern Beatrice Landstrad here. Uh-huh. There's urgent breaking news in Innsburg. We have a new mare. No. How? Joan hired me to review the footage from the day of the raccoon race. There was a second raccoon in the building. That means there's someone else in line of succession. As Aldersman, I have no strong feelings about this. Who's the new mayor? It's Ball Hinckley! Fu and that takes us up to the break when we come back, the Girl Scouts are once again offering free flu shots. Just sign up on their website, choose a time slot and location in town with little cover. And wait. A trained technician will deliver the vaccine discreetly to you from up to five hundred yards. Wait, are they just sniping people full of wellness? I thought they were joking about that tranquilizer rifle, but apparently the thirty-two gauge Palmer C apture is a real thing. Ooh, I'm traveling to Borneo soon. You think they do malaria? And speaking of drug cocktails, the town hall is having a fundraiser they have specifically asked us to say is quote not related to our massive gambling deficit, unquote. Wasn't Derek working as the bookie? Maybe he should stay in Julesburg for a couple days. Hmm. Stick around, folks, more quirpline after this. You're listening to Quirpline here on QWRPFM. Thanks again to our sponsor, Parabellum Vellum Flabellum, a delicate instrument to help cool your home. Made from the finest onion skin paper and sharpened to a point to help drive off intrud ers. Parabellum vellum flabellum! Come here quick because we gotta sell 'em !