Velcro Singing and Gary's Jokes

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Rome over, let's look what you mean up to Oh, right, Yes They're all squirrels with their faces scribbled out. The guest is here, Daddy. Oh, what's that Gary? What she' saying? The guest is here, she's sitting there all along. Oh in that case, we better welcome a guest Ahdam Hills. Shadam Hills, welcome Aam. L me to see you. Ohold. the Harry Hills showhow Mas. It's Micy the Harry Hillshow Mascar. Thisly had a jumper Asascar reached in a k No no he's fant. I do apologise. I do apologise a little bit if that's okay. Licky Okay. He wrened his heart out by the roots. Sorry about that Now Welcome Adam Hill', of course, one of her. What's going on A giant of comedy And one of the few one of the few we don't do it very often, Adam. we don't in this country necessarily welcome Australian. Australian. We only ever take one or two to our heart. Yes, that's true. A at a time. and and it's you. Thank you at the moment. You, Kylie. Wh else, D Medna? I mean roll for a while. Well we don't This He's mention Rof. We've only been doing it for two minutes and he's brought Rof up cast a long shadow. Maybe Nick Cave, I don't know. Nick. Yeah, Sidely on me. Y. On the outside deck. I was once at a function at Buckingham Palace for Oh, look at me It was an Australians's in London or in the UK function. And it was before the Queen and Prince Philip were about to go to Australia. And so there was a whole group of us in one room and then the VIPs in the fancy room, Y Kylie and No, you were in a VIP? No, I wasn't in a VIP room. Oh no, no. I was in the room with Alf from home and away.ight. Who out to now. He kind of met them right before me. I was after Alf. Right. I wasn't there when Well, there was a weird moment when Prince Philip met Alf from H and awayay, Cing from remememberies Raymar. You must be Alf home way. And then they started sing the two of us belong together. You to will. G forever and ever. Apparently that was one of the tunes that they were going to play at the funeral but decided against it in the end And he shook Ray's hand and then he shook my hand and said, Are you on the stage as well? And I said, Oh, I'm a comedian. And he went, Well, that's the stage, isn't it? Oh dear. Yes, I guess so. B. But Nick Cave was also there that night. But I didn't get to see the moment that Nick Cave shook hands with the quQeen because I just thought they would have been such an incongruous image. Hasn't he got some sort of gong from the? Oh yes, Nick Cave. He Do you know what? He's surprised Have you ever met Nick Cave? No, but I mean, I like Nick Cave, but it's a slightly odd thing that he's sort of plays the outsider or he's the sort of, you know, rebel and then he's taking an honor. was thinking that as well. likeike what's the introduction? You Queen of England, Prince of Darkness, Prince of Darkness, Queen of England. I've met him. He's surprisingly goofy. How is he?'s out of Interested and floppy and goofy. All right. Sorry. It sounds perfect for this show. Let's get his number. So when I was at the coronation just appalling name dropping and self aggrandizing. What were you doing at the Cation? Again, I was invited as like a group of Australians, spepecial Australians that were invited to the correonation. There were like nurses and scientists and stuff and there was me and there was Nick Cave. They're gaslighting you aren't they? You know, because they're trying to keep the Australians on sight because there's this movement, isn't it? Ises That's exactly what it is. K us in with the monarch right. How was the coronation then? Oh Long. Yeah, it was long. I genuinely practiced for days before on how long I could go without needing a wee. Right. But still having coffee because I need caffeine in the morning. Yeah. So I was practicing for a few days. I was training myself to have less and less coffee in the morning and go longer before I needed the bathroom. old regime. What the tot at Westminster? No we were told you once it starts, you're not allowed to go to the loou and it was like five, six hours So it was that long. Yeah In fact, the previous coronation went for so long that under the stands where people were sitting to watch, the next day when they cleaned up, they found feces and urine because people were just shitting themselves while coration Anyway, Nick Cave didn't do that But sorry, I think am I right?ith? I mean, you're in yes, but Fith Sh be hold should be in a holder. Dear, Oh dear. Okay ye. On the way into the coronation, I was talking to an Australian nurse about whether Melbourne is better than Sydney. and then she was saying she was from Perth, so she was saying Perth's better. And then Nick Cave came over and joined in the conversation and he said Oh no, I don't like pererth. They've got evil swans Right what the swans around the river. Look, I'll show you. when he pulls his phone out and shows us a photo he took of a swan in Perth to prove that it's evil And then look, look at its eyes, it's evil, it's evil. And then he went Rowan, excuse me, and then just walks off. And we're like, who does Nick Cave know that he has to go and chat to? Yeah. And it was the former Archbishop Santerbury, who he's apparently best friends with. Yeah. It's not what you would expect of Nick Cave. it It's not what we expect. Anyway, sorry. Yeah Be he I had listen to a thing he did, there was an interview with Rowan Williams and Nick Cave. You know, Rowan Williams had this sort of show on radio four. I mean, it seemed very inappropriate. I'm sure there are other things he could have been doing with his time. Right. You know, I don't know, feeding the poor or something. And it's about the Rowan Williams S showow After he was Achbishop? No, when he was right in the middle of You can't have your own radio show. How was that wellbey. Aually I mix those two up. Sorry, sorry, Rowan, if you're watching. I'd take that back. Well, perhaps we can expect a song Evil Swan or something on Nick Cave's His voice is not way. Oh one saw an evil swan and down in Perth by the river. How am I doing But this is okay. I really want to get a deep dive on Nick Cave because he you expect his voice to be like this, you expect it to be Yeah, I did not believe inion Inventionist good. But instead he's kind of like this It's almost like he's Steve Iwen. It's like the crocodile hunter becomes Nicki. That's the other one. It's Steve Iwen. Yeah He's like backstage going, Yeahes, sorry, guys,' got to go out and do a gig. I'll see in a second. o be. And I took a rock to her face. N comes off. Yeah, its seem to go quite well Yeah, the whole rock of the face bitit. I think I might keep that. All right. Yeah. That's interesting. Anyway, upbeat guy, but he keeps it he keeps it hidden because serve his demographic. Yes, absolutely So listen, Adam. Hills. we've got how do you feel about AI You formulated an opinion yet So I Okay, can I tell you a quick story? I would love to hear story. Okay. So I'm's all content. It may just seem like Okay old guys chatting, but it's content. Yes. So I'm doing a show for the Children's Trust. She' doing it again. you know It' Oh, look at me, I give to help out people the charity, the Children's Tust How do you think I feel now? Gone, yes.. This is all charity, right? This is supporting. Yeah, so, yeah. It's the opposite of charity actually. It' taking money it's It's throwing money away.' What's that called? Altru isism. What's flushing five pound notes down the drain. That's that called. What What's tearing up Anyway So I'm doing a show for the Child' Tust. What's the Children's trrust? It's a hospital just west of London for children with acquired brain injuries. Oh. And there was a guy I hosted the show over year and there was a guy that got up last year and spoke was twenty three And he had a stroke when he was sixteen and he had to learn to walk again and talk again through the children's trust. And he gave this beautiful speech And he was kind of the star of the night. So we all joked, Well next year, he should come back and do a stand up routine.ight. And so just before Christmas, he was getting nervous about it and I said, donon't worry, I'll work on it with you. And he said, Oh, I've put it into chat GBT into AI I've said I had a stroke when I was sixteen. I'm doing a five minute spot at the comedy store. What should my routine be And it spat out like a whole bunch of jokes. and then it said, would you like it would you like me to put this into a routine for you put it into a five minute routine and then it said, wouldould you like me to put this into your words? Right? And so then it wrote this five minute routine and And some of the jokes were okay. Really? That's worrying. It was very concerning Bun So then a few weeks later I sat down with him and I went, okay, look, I think some of these jokes are actually really good And it scares me how good they are. Were they nicked? Maybe they were nicked jokes, No, I don't know they weren't Re. But then I said to him, Okay, let's see what we come up with and then we'll kind of mix and match. And then by the end of it, all of the jokes we came up with were better than AI Yeah, I tried that. I put into chat GBT I made a while ago, right Harry Hill a comedy routine in the style of Harry Hill. Terrible So then I put make it funnier And it comes back again. it's still not very funny. Make it funnier. And you know, it was a waste of time really. Do you know what? That's really interesting because when you were on our Christmas show on the Last Lakes Christmas Show. Yes, we said to AI, can you suggest presents for each of the guests. Oh, that was right. Why did they give me a briefcase or something? Yours was a briefcase full of props. Yeah. And yours, it couldn't make funny No, And neither could I, as it turned That's live TV folks. Right, so we've got an AI bot Sarah who's gonna come out and tell us a bit about you. Sarah, come on out There she is Yeahay, I bought Don is Sarah say hello to Adam.'m sorry, I was waiting there for something to happen, but nothing did. Sarah, say hello to Adam. Adam Hilt. Hey, Adam. Good to meet you, Coba. Fairincome. Throw a tiny on the Barbie kiss my kangaroo and other mildly offensive cliches. I do apologise. There's no need for it I mean, this is fine. Hi Sarah. Shake his fork Yeah, shhake her fork, I should say. So Sarah, you're going to tell us a little bit about Adam. Here goes Adam Christopher Hills is an Australian comedian, radio and television presenter. Early life. Hills was born in the southern Sydney suburb of Loftus, home of the Sydney Tramway Museum. Construction of the museum at its original site on the edge of the Royal National Park commenced in August nineteen fifty six The shit was officially opened in March nineteen sixty five by NSW Deputy Premier Pat Hills. The facilities were basic, initially a four track shed built with second hand materials and approximately eight hundred meters of running track In nineteen seventy five, the government of New South Wales approved the museum moving to a new site across the Princeces Uay adjacent to Loftos Railway station. Construction commenced in April, nineteen eighty with the first trams transferred from the old site in November. nineteen eighty two It officially opened on the nineteenth of march, nineteen eighty eight. The former railway square tramway shelter that had been disassembled in nineteen seventy three wassem nineteen eighty nine A traravverser from Commons's Granville factactory was purchased nineteen ninety one. The museum was able to commence operating services on the line in nineteen ninety three. Hills was born without a right foot and wears a prosthasis, which has become a frequent source of comedy in his act Yeah, you ever been to the Sydney Tramway Museum? So many times? I have. What's it like Yeah, it's a lot of information from the early stuff. Like I was genuinely I wanted to go back and go, sorry, where was the original site? Because it was moved in ' seventy five and I was five years old and that's when I started going to it. Right was Yeah, it moved to the new site across Prince's Highway. So where was the first site Well the original site was on the edge of the Royal National Park, which was commenced in august nineteen fifty six. Got it. ye, okay. Yeah actually actually opened by Dputy preremier Pat Hills So what is is that one of them big things to see in Lofts? So nothing in Lofts. The only thing to see in Lft. Yeah. Once they opened the proper tramway museum and it became quite fancy, we took my granddad there because my granddad used to work on the tram in Sydney back in the day. And there was this really lovely moment where this this Dad was walking around with his kid, go, Well this is whate the G five hundred and it had a top speed of twenty miles an hour and it used to And the kid was so bored. And my granddad was with us and go, Oh I remember Snowy got into a fight off the back of this one. Oh, got a fight with one of the passengers. It was amazing And that brought it alive for the young boy. And that boy then became a mechanical engineer and worked on the some sort of anyway. That was honestly, if ever there was like a description of my early life that really, really summed me up, that that actually got it better than anyone ever has. Well, that's just what we pray oursel on this show we' got these rare insights. So what was life growing up in Lofts? I've never been to Austria. It' a great Admission of mine is great shame of mine because I have a sister that lives in Melbourne and I keep meaning to visit, but it's a long way to go and that's the main reason I haven't been. It justust seem so far. doesn't it? You have to stop off. You can fly direct from London to Perth So you can go from England to Australia in one flight. Right. How long does that take? About seventeen hours. Yeah, it's a long time, isn't it? It is You can see a couple of films, I suppose. Well, the problem with seventeen hours, I have done that flight a few times is you get on the plane, you watch a movie, you have something to eat, you watch another movie, you watch the third movie, you go to sleep You wake up, you have breakfast, you watch another movie, you watch another movie, and you've still got four hours to go. Yeah And're like There's only so many movies and things I can do Yeah sure. So So Loftess is a very, very obscure suburb on the southern edge of Sydney As was pointed out, right across the road from the Royal National Park.ight, whichich I think is the second oldest national park in the world. I think. So when you say park, is that just like scrub lland and sort of kangaroos and wallabies? Yes, bus bush lland we it. So it's full of full of trees, beautiful rivers untouched, but yeah c Beautiful. Right. Yeah because obviously so being more like the because when we say park we sort of think of I know swings and o, you know, more like U the national like you know, Snowdonia National Park. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I was going to say that. I think I think Yellowstone National Park might be the oldest in the world and then the Royal National Park in Australia is the second So literally my parents' house backed onto bushland. there was the back f. And then a valley and there'd be cockatoos and cookerbors and occasionally in echidna And even now mum will call me up and say she saw a wallabe behind the back fence. It's what you think Australia is. Yeah as a kid. Yeah, fantastic. And so you would just go out into this bush and muck about ural kind of rural upbringing. Yeah, well, it was on the edge of rural. It was suburban, you know, we could get a train into the city and we're still literally part of Sydney. But yeah, you just open the back fence and as we would call it bushbash. That was the word for it. wouldd just go bushbashing and just you know, disappear for the afternoon and mum would call out when it was time for dinner echo across the valley and the houses on the other side and then we just come back. Yeah it must have been great seeing well there's different kind of exotic animals And genuinely, you know that thing that people say, oh in Australia, did you have to look out for spiders or snakes? And we're like, yeah, like every time you went out You'd leave your shoes outside the front door and then you'd bang them on the ground to make sure there wasn't a spider inside before you put your shoe on. Yeah. So you know, I grew up in Kent, similar thing, you know, you go out back back of the house and there'd be all these fields, but you know the best you Id used to dream of seeing a snake, you know, a grass snake or something never saw a snake. there was nothing, you know you never saw even a badger or a fox, frankly. I didn't see a fox until I moved to South London. Yeah, very exciting, very exciting. And then so I think you've got you're going to tell us how Sarah how How Adam became a comedian, are you? You've got something for? Hills began performing as a stand up comedian at the age of nineteen and has produced ten solo shows which have toured internationally. In two thousand two, he scored a minor hit in Australia with his single working class anthem in which he sang the lyrics of the Australian National anthem to the tune of wororking class Man, a song by Australian rocker Jimmy Barnes. Never heard of him Television career. Hills hosted the music trivia show Spx and Sck Dart was that, Dun know Hills presented his own weekly talk show, Adam Hills in Dordon Street Tonight. On the ABC later renamed Adam Hills Tonight. In twenty twelve, he was part of the channel fortyV commentary team for the London twenty twelve Summer Paralympics The Last Lg with Adam Hills, with Alex Brooker and comedian Josh Whittdakam the show was renamed The Last Leg, and was adapted for a weekly comedic wrap up of the week's events Yeah, of course the usndary last leg. Now but before that, how did you get into stand upp or what got you into it My first ever experience of stand up comp. Well, no. so my dad My dad worked for Qantas and he would fly around the world be gone for you two weeks and back for a week. And every now and then he'd bring back a comedy album. Peter Sellars or Bill Cosby And we were very much into Dick Emory, like a lot of English comedy and some American as well. And so we would listen to these comedy albums, but I think Because he worked for Qantas, we got free flights. Right. But we could only only if there was a spare seat, we had to go standby.. So we never went in school holidays and we would turn up to the airport and just hope there'd be spare seats.. And there was a specific flight to the states I was on Probably ten, I think. and the only spit there were two seats up front and two seats a bit further back. So I sat with my brother and my parents were back. and I put on the comedy channel and they had the in fllight comedy channel. and I'd never heard stand upp comedy in public before. I just thought it was something dry thing because the LPs used to be just dry, didn't they didn't have laughter or Yes. Although of I'd say some of the Bill Cosby albums we listened to was you know live comedy. but I just didn't know other people listened to them as well. And so I listened to it over and over and over on this flight and it would rewind and then it would play again and then it would rewind. and I kind of just fell in love with it And so I always wanted to do stand upp And I just never thought was how you do it. No, that was my problem. I couldn't work out how you became a comedian. Right. So for me, it was a friend of mine I used to go to the Sydney comedy store on a Wednesday night to this thing called Open Mic Night that I didn't even know existed. And as soon as I found out anyone could just get up and try out five minutes, I totally wanted to do it. So you did that and you were nineteen, that's young to start, isn't it? And especially I mean, now it feels like a little nineteen year old's mind. But in nineteen eighty nine Yeah, I was very It wass about when I started, yeah. Right. Yeah, I mean I kind of I was like twenty six or something before I started doing it properly.. Were you a virgin as well? I was notot at twenty six, No, that was actually I lost my virginity to a much older woman Yeah. I was fifty seven and she was She was eighty eighty eight. She was eighty eight And I didn't think AI had. Yeah. It was a night to remember But It seems Sarah's laughing. Really? Sarah. So did what did you start doing? Gags or terrible. Like just jokes about sex, which was. And you know, like I said, I was a virgin at nineteen. I was up on stage telling jokes about sex. And I remember as I walked off, the compair said Isn't it funny that the guys that talk about it at the most do it the least? Oh, he knew. And he got a massive round of applause. knew about you. Yeah ye. Widely known in the area is that yeah, you see Adam? he's still a virgin. So then you've got on how did you get this TV break? Because that sounds like you had like a big that sounds like a big show. You had this Adam Hills tonight thing. Sounds like a Is is it like a chat show or Well, Sps and Specs was the big one. That was the music quiz show. So I guess I did I did stand up and did it And and did the Edinburgh Fringe Festival? They came over. C over. There was a there was a comedy festival So I started writing, I did stand up, right? and then start a friend and I started writing jokes for a radio show, a breakfast radio show. So we would do our gigs and then go back to her place, get the newspapers because the newspapers would come out at like one in the morning And then we would write a whole bunch of jokes and then fax them off to a radio station and then Go to sleep and then hope the next morning they might use one or two of our jugs. So we ended up becoming writers and then it's a good way to start, isn't it Well, and you know what? in a Ridiculous stroke of luck The first day we decided to do that I think it was a Monday and we'd sent And the reason we did it was because we were both supporting Britain's naughtiest hypnotist at the time Peter Powers. Right. He was on tour in Australia. Right. What was he? He would make he would hypnotize men to believe they had just been caught cheating on their wife And then they would have to apologize to their wife in the audience they could only speak Chinese Okay A lot of I mean a lot of the entertainers that went over to Australia weren't very well known over here, right? Yeah. And that's why they went there. So we were supporting him and it hadn't worked out. so we decided, right, let's write some jokes and fax them to a radio station And we sent them all in and then I went to my place and you know we both went to sleep. and then the next morning I got a phone call from the producer of the radio show saying, This is dynamite. virtually Yeah. He said, We used a couple of the jokes. is this Because of the ad. And I went the ad. And he said, yeah, the ad that we put in the newspaper over the weekend looking for comedy writers. Fantastic. And I was like, Oh, yeah, the ad hadn't He just thought we'd seen an ad and rather than sending a resume, just decided to fax in a whole bunch of jokes.. And so he thought, well, I love these I love their moxy Yeah given us jokes that we've used. and so we ended up becoming freelance writers than eventually writers And at which point I then moved to Adelaide to host a breakfast show. Right. And then there was a comedy festival in Adelaide, and a whole bunch of English comedians came out. Leon Herring Le Hing Richard Herring came out. Yeah. I think Ed Byr was even there for that one And I just met all these people, Boothby Grapho. Right, Boothby. This is sort of ninety five would it be someh? Yeah, ninety seven seeven. Okay, yeah. And I remember Boothby saying I bec quite close with Boothby and he said, you need to go to the Edinburgh fringe. He said evenven if you die on your ass every night for a month, you'll still be a better comedian at the end of it. Oh, excuse me put this yeah Yes. My auntie? Yes. On holiday in Nigeria? Yes. Lost their passport in the sea. What and needs a thousand pounds for a new kidney Sure, yeah. hang on. I just get the I just get my credit card. Hang on a sec. My aunt's in a care home on the North Cank coast See how scams happen This was a reconstruction, but whyise up guys Not very funny All right. wait to use that Sarah. Sarah, have you got anything further to add? One last bite from. Hills published a memoir, Best Foot Forward and a book for childildren. Rock star Detectives. You've been busy. Dumb Dums did that. Hills partnered with Scott Holsworth to open a permanent freak scene restaurant in Parsons' Green in London In April, twenty twenty Australia Post released a set of stamps recognizing Australian legends of comedy with Hills appearing on one of the stamps. Nice. Hills was appointed member of the Order of the British Empire M in the two thousand New Year honors for serervices to Paran Gutport and disability awareness Hills is Guinness reccord holder four. The fastest time to put on five jumpers. That's it you're up to date with Adam.. Wallsing Adam Hills. Wallsing Adam Hills. You'll go a wallsing. Adam Hills with me. And he sang as he watched and waited till his boil in a bag dinner burnnt no That is that much. Stop it. Goodbye. Twix drop And there is your tweitets That's for you. Thank you, Sarah Gosh, there's a lot. You've been very busy, haven't you, Adam What a life What's a freak scen restaurant Oh so it's a restaurant that this Aussie chef and I kind of co opened in Parsons's Green and then in Balum. Why didn't you just call it Tax Dodge What is it? What is it Restaurant? Freakene What's the freak scene? I don't understand. Freak scene's a name of a dinosaur Junior song. And Scott chose it as the name of the restaurant because he's kind of a freak when it comes to cooking. He kind of does stuff that you're not really supposed to do. Oh I see. So for instance, and he's Australian, like I said, but He had he told me he had bao buns that were they weren't stale, but they'd been there for a while. so they were a little bit hard. They were still edible and he didn't know what to do with them. And he was like, o, wonder what would happen if you just like deep fried them in donoughut batter So we deep fryed them in donoughut batter and then put like a red duck curry in the middle of it. What are its qualifications this guy He sounds like an absolute maverick. And they're nice are they? And in all honesty, I'm not involved anymore. Oh you're not? No no. Be they had to close the business down and started up the next day as another business and it felt like that was a tax dodge Okay, we touched the raw. They probably best not to f. ra on there. It's a shame because you had me at stale Bow b So and but what a fantastic thing there at least a set of stamps for your face on. They did. Yeah, I was Part of it felt a bit weird about it because they had I think they went for a different kind of comedy legend from different decades And I think they got to the two thousands and went Yeah, up all night. got No, that's not true. No That's what have felt though, to be honest. And I even I mean, this is typical comedian. when it happened, I was really excited about it. but I saw one negative tweet from an Australian actor Sing how does Adam Hills qualify as an Australian legend? And I still know. I still remember that one tweet. Yeah. I've not seen that actor since, but when I do. Best not to read the comments, Adam Certainly not for this show. I don't know that we've got any way of silencing those. Sence Oh know sorry, you know what And what was really lovely about that though was it happened right before COVID and the lockdowns and all that kind of stuff. So there was supposed to be a big presentation where we were given like a gold version of the stamp and it never happened. We never got our presentation. But because during lockdowns, everyone was then ordering stuff to home I keptle sword. I kept getting parcels delivered to my house with my own face on it as a stamp. accidentally, like just it was the way it went. Fantastic. And you don't get like a cut, do you if you have your face on the you don't get a cut of the no stamps. No, unfortunately not. And then you've got this MBE, I mean that's Oh, hang, can I tell you my stamp joke that I came up with? Do you know how you can tell it's a comedian on the front of the stamp U because it's u I don't know becausecause when you lick the back of it, it tastes funny. It tastes funny ye fig go. And then this MBE which is Do you have any kind of qualms about that? How do you feel about the royal family in sort of Australia and all that? Well You might not want to talk about it publicly, but you might want to back. My first thought when the letter came Dave you got one? Hven't you gone? Apparently you can't get an honor for just feathering your own nest They don't give them out for that. You get a tit? Yeah. No I've been too selfish in my life So get a letter and it says, you know, the Prime Minister would like to put you forward, do you accept? And my genuinely my first thought was, can I as an Australian? A I allowed to have one of these? And so I looked I instantly Googled Australiian MBE's and Kylie's name came up I went, well, if she's got one, then I must be allowed to. And then Okay, this is genuine and this is awful but this is true. I looked what it was for because Had it said for serervices to comedy, I would have felt really awkward Oh've been like, No, I don't. I don't think what I do comedically. But then it said services to dis the stampgate, particularly the Stampgate. You can imagine what that old actor would have said about that. Yeah, right? I know who you are. And then it's said services to Paralympic sport and disability awareness. And then I was like, o no, I'll accept it for that. o, I reckon I've done all right there So because you're kind of accepting it for everyone in a way, so that Yeahah. Well, I think if it had been for services to comedy, I would have thought, well, I don't know that I should deserve that above anybody else in this country You're a very successful comedian For you, for example, you've provided more comedically than I have to this country. But un units of laughter, yes. No one's counting. That's the problem I was' counting the units of laughter that we're presenting. But what have you done for disability awareness? That's your problem right now. Nothing you know I' to do the odd benefit of as few as I possibly can benefits maybe three a year or something like that just to keep them off my back Maybe Sarah just had one of them. Is there a one arm yeah. Yeah. then we'd have to get a one armed actor inside, wouldn'? Oh yeah, good point.using. not that there is an actor inside. So why isn't that? It'sill show do you find elderly relatives start to get a bit inappropriate at family gatherings? Couple of drinks and Auntie sends the G Zs running for cover Then you need a can of newew Vverbal incontinence magic Pty. This specially formulated polyurethane foam allows air in, but absorbs words like small boats, immmigration, and sponger. At the first sign of trouble, simply hold Nan down, force open her mouth and fill her up The mildly irritant foam does the rest. After approximately eight hours the foam passes harmlessly through the gut and is expelled in the form of a pellet. A bit like you get with a nerf gun. these pellets, when squeezed, release the bigoted phrases in more appropriate environments, such as disused outflow pipe at the reservoir, ditch, or Robert Genrick Inion New Gbl inccontinence Magic Py from Regency Innovations. Buy one and get a free David Gandy Cooker club. Warning may cause nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea Innovations, Princely interventions in an uncaring world This episode is brought to you by State Farm You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over nineteen thousand local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs. so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride Download the state Farm app or go online at statefarm. com like a good neighbor. State Farm is there Introducing Taco Bell's new jalapeno citrus salsa with bright citrus, real red jalapenos, guailo chiles. Usually, you add sauce to the food, but when the sauce is this good, the food is just there to get the sauce to your mouth. That rolled quesadilla, not a rolled quesadilla anymore Now it's a sauce shovel. Taco Bell's Jalapeno citrus salsa. Get it with any item on the canantina chicken menu while it's here. They participate in US. Taco Bell locations for a limited time only while supplies last. contontact store for availability. It's time for a theme of the week. William Wallace. William Wallace we're talking about this week and we're joined by Dr Erin Lloyd Jones who is a medieval and prehistoric archeologist whose specialization is in Britishistory, pre history and Wales. Is that right? Ad is. Welcome to the show. This is Adam Hills, of course, you know. Nice to meet. From the show The Last egg and various others Th. Now William Wallace, I confess I know very little and what little knowledge I have about William Wallace is, of course from that film that What's his name did Rolf. No, he's Australian. M Gbson, Mil Gibson. Yeah. Brave heart. Is that him? Yeah, same guy. Who was William Wallace? Well, he was minor gentry Scottish man who when England had invaded and occupied Scotland, thought back and said no. No, thank you, that's ours and stood up for Scottish freedom and independence. Right. So My Gentry, I see I got the idea that he was like a sort of commoner. That's what the film said.. There were quite a few things in the film that they embellished and maybe made it into more of a story but we're not quite right and just to make it a bit more film. It's a better story Yeahah, it's a better story if he's come from, you know from nothing. But you say Mor gentry. so was Was he involved in kind of politics or Feel free to jump in at any timee, Adam, of course. No No, I haven't after this one yeah. No, problem. Soee he managed entry in Scotland, so he became a knight or so after he did certain things, but he probably I'll p to some of the other lads and lords in Scotland He was probably seen as a bit p. more lower class of space.ight And when you say so now that I know he's minor gentry And you say he led the fight. That makes me think, did he actually fight? Oh yeah, Yeah, he was a big warrior, and literally big. he was tall as well. So some of the things we know about him we know are true or we can make an educated guess they're true But he was known for some very bloody battles and literally fighting for Scotland. and that's one of the reasons why he's so held in so much high regard. Right. Right. And when was he operating? When's all this taking place? Well, he was born in around what we think twelve seventy. How a long time ago yeah, we're going back a long time, which is why some of the sources we have to rely on are mayaybe not quite contemporary or we have to take with a pinch of salt. And a lot of the time the history is written by the winners, so maybe propaganda. Sorry about that You'd have done the same thing. Yeah And then he died by thirteen oh five. So not a very long life, but he packed a lot in. Right And so he basically, what was it that he was sort of fighting against? Was there a specific thing that happened that he was like, o right, I'm not standing for that. The final kind of Well, it might have been a straw that broke the camel's back really, but it was Edward I, the king who'd just invaded Wales and occupied Wales and built lots of castles set his sights on Scotland. He'd actually been asked by the Scottish nobility to help them choose the next king because it was kind of in turoil, who would be. And also a lot of the Lords in Scotland had London England as well. So it kind of made sort of sense, but England Edward I chose a king that he could control and then when he fought back the king, when he fought back a little bit Edward kicked off, essentially, and then deposed him, had a big battle. The King of Scotland lost, Edward stripped him of his insignia, took away the big stone all the Scottish kings had been crowned on. that one you probably saw it when you were at the coronation Oh yeah the stone of destiny. Is that the word?ones orous Yeah, was the thing What is the thing about that stone? Be it's just a stone. Is it sort of been worn down or something? Was it a sort of fancier looking stone at one time? Lightly offended that you just said to an archaeologist it's just a stone. Well, it's never a stone Harry. S what S what did you see? Yeah, was it what was the Well, it was it was just a large s bigig stone. very important, but one that would have been present for all of the coronations for, you know hundreds of years. It was a special special stone. Right. It just happened to be there I don't really understand It's like you know, I'm in a throne fine, but U Where's the stone? get the stone in, you know, we we're crowning this guy, get the stone get, you know, it's a Was it just it happened to be there when they did the first one and then it became a tradition? or gosh, you know what? I don't That's another theme of the week. O. All right. I'm not sure of the exact answer of how far back the Stone of Destiny Rised. All right. but it was respected. was iconic, it was a thing that was taken away from Scotland and the king was imprisoned And so William Morlis and other people then stood up and said, No, we're going to fight back taking over our country, So can I ask you a question then? I'm assuming you've watched Braveheart the movie? I Have not for a long time. Okay. When you did, were you kind of watching going, that didn't happen? No, that didn't happen. No, That's not like that. There's a few things that are obviously done that are not correct. For example, I suppose what I'd say to you is if you picture William Wallace, How would you see him Mel Gibson. Well, yeah, he didn't look like Mel Gibson we. What he could have done. I didn't know the answer to that. But what would he have been wearing or what you'd have seiewed him? probably in the Kilts? Right Tarton. Blue face paint? Yes. Blue face paint was earlier ancient Britons, so whoa, Maybe a thousand R? Thousand years. Oh he didn't paint itself blue. Probably not. It was something that was done by the ancient Britons Probably not at that point. then Murphs, of course mentioned them And then Tartan and Kilts a lot later. so. Oh wow. They've had some sort of, you know kind of probably some patterned woven clothing, but as Kilts and Tartan as we know it would have been a lot later. so Right. It makes good film. And so do you feel like like was he venerated in Scotland like clearly more after the movie. But before the movie, did they still see him as a hero? orr was it afterwards they went, Oh, yeah, that guy No, completely. He was held in very much high regard and of this history and the way he thought and things he did were icon. What were some of the things that he did that sort of? So his battle tactics were really interesting. So the first battle he won against the English him and his I wouldn't say right hand man. there were two people to start with who had the battle of Sirling Bridge And they basically watched the English come, waited for them to cross this bridge that was very narrow and wooden and took their time and basically waited for them ross, charged them and then to pick them off one by one and had these groups of nights with in these we call them kind of hedgehogs, I suppose Chillions. Well where they were able to then just pick off the knights one by one. and it was a very tactical thing to do and they won that battle. Is that because the English were very organised when they fought? They were like, rightight, we'll get across this bridge And then we'll form a line and then battle will commence. And the Scots are like, no, we're just going to kill you whenever we feel like it. U Well they a stereotype that U Yes, sorry, yes. Well, need they needed to come across that was the only place to cross the river. Right And they'd never seen these Sltons before, these kind of hedgehog things. were they the hedgehogs? they So made basically groups of fighters in packs where they would have had pikes or spears and so they could kind of v with a bit of length and just pick off the knights as they were coming in the nights, the English knnights couldn't get back across the bridge because the other knnights were com coming across the bridge. So it was all very well done. Like when someone stops at the top of an escalator And then they don't realize that they're just holding up everybody else because and then it just builds up behind them. Yes. Its a good analergy. a very good analy. And so they didn't win this he didn't win this battle, did he? did That's the battle he won with his kind of the other knight he was fighting with, he was called Andrew Murray. I believe he was very good at tennis. So they won that battle, but unfortunately Murray sustained injuries and died a little bit later. but from that le William Wallace was made a serir and then became the guardian of Scotland fighting for the king. So then he was king of Scotland who oppposed was John So he then went on to kind of do more battles. But at this point, Edward I first was the king of England was very, very annoyed and so brought a battle up to them. personersally, he actually came. and then they did lose that battle and William had to go on the run. He escaped. He escaped then. He did Yeahah. So he disappears for a bit, went into hiding. know, he went to France for a little bit because They had an alliance there. but then when you came back to to Scotland, andfortunately, somebody stbbed him in essentially and was he was caught And then a very very sticky end, literally sticky. It was not an amazing. So how long was he sort of on the run for? A seven years. Oh gosh, yeah a long time. So yeah, he'd done well but then Not a nice ending, but to go back to your question about kind of why was he so revered, he became almost legendary as well. for years after, about one hundred and fifty years later and even there was a kind of roaming minstrel called Blind Harry who wrote a lot about the sang a lot about his his tactics and how large he was and basically made him into this legendary figure, but that to show that it wasn't just Braveheart that did it, but he became that there's been a lot of different depictions of. And there is that Wallace monument, isn't there? There is. Yeah sts it stterling. It' sttering. Yeah. So that's yeah, that's We think we're Angie Muray and William Wallace stood to watch the English were advancing and then that monument was built in the Victorian period. I mean, gosh, it looks beautiful, almost like a fantasy castle. was built primarily by public subscription as well. so the public paid for it. But it's gorgeous and now houses the nationalall well it's the National Wallace mononument and a really good place to go and learn about. Yeah. is there anything left of him? I in the sense of I don't know, fabrics or his writing stuff. Yeah. so you can go there and you can see his sword which is why we have a good idea that he was a very tall man. The sword itself is almost as long as me, tall as me without the handle the handle has been replaced since and actually that's an interesting thing that I don't know whether it's legend or not, but it certainly makes a good story that after the Battle of Stirling Bridge, one of his big enemies he's said to have used the skin of to make a belt for his sword, which is lovely And you mentioned his sticky end. Ohes. I was interested to hear about that in dail. right. So it's pretty graysome actually. So he would have been dragged through the streets of London probably may six miles on by horse, then he was Hung drawn and quarted, which means even more when you get into what that actually means. So he was hung but cut down Is this a family show? It's not nice. Well, I mean, we're not encouraging anyone to go and do this. But I mean yes, they would hang you and then cut you into four bits, right? And you Well, more than that, loveoly way to end. So you'd be cut down before you'd actually died, so you were still well semi conscious. thenen the drawn element is that they'd slit your stomach open, take out your entrails, burn them in front of you, which is again nice thing to do. And then his head was cut off, that was dipped in tar, which is the sticky end and stuck on the London bridge and then the body was quartted and sent to kind of different locations around Scotland the North of England basically warn people that You know D't do this again. Yeah I'm gonna be honest. The way this show has gone, I'm half expecting a giant character to come out and sing what you've just told us. Yeah. Bind have I ruined something? No. Are you heading towards? Yeah blind When you said blind Harry, I was like, Oh something's going to happen. S's gonna to be No I mean, that's a beautiful idea. I wish I' thought of that. I We're looking We're looking for writers, Adam. What And then what happened to is did he ever, you know end up all the bits back together in in sort of a grave? Is there a grave? No not as far as I'm aware of. I think the head would have We don't know for sure, but probably just plopped off into the river. Like all of the others. ye Well, is there anything further we need to know about William Wallace Have we covered all the ground, do you think? Well, my goodness, there's a lot of ground. so we could talk and talk, but Probably the on. Is it true that he never actually met Robert Bruce? Well, we don't know if they may or not. Right. It's not We don't know. It's not in the records. L's in the movie though. Well, he Robert the Bruce, his grandfather was one who could have been a king. He was up against this king John of John Baliial, who was the one who Edward I kind of got off the throne. And then Robert the Brut was very clever because he kind of was tactical about who he was supporting, but by the time then that William Wallace had been defeated, he then had his claim to the throne. There was another guy who was King John's nephew and they got together. They met in a church of an abbey to see if they could kind band together to then get rid of Edward I. And what happened was Robert Brussearch, she just ended up stabbing him to death and becoming the sole rival for the crown. But I mean there's woman to do it, huh? And then had another big battle and won and essentially became King of Scotland. And it was his then descendants that became the Stuarts. And then so all of our royal family is actually descended from Robert the Bruce I always woondered why that was the Bruce rather than just Robert Bruce. You know, William Wallace, not William The Wallace. What was the We don't know. Well his grandfather yeah, the grandfather was known as we known as Robert Bruce. and I don't know the exact answer really, But he was famous of course for that spider. wasasn't he seen the spider' swb Bron at first you don' Isn't he can up and all that Isn't that Roba the Bru withith the spider Yes, I don't know the full story, but yeah, yeah. I don't know about the spider. He learned something about life from watching a spider spin a wee He keeps trying at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again, Isn't it? A I? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I I expected that to turn into a real joke. joke. No L look at thatinly But yeah, I only know that because my er distant ancestor was Robert the Bruce's cleaner and she got the sack. She got the sack after that. Okay, that was her theme of the week. It' It's time to play What is the Velcro singing What is the Velcining? What is the Velcarining? What is the Velcineing? What is the Velcarining? What is the Velcarineing? What is the Velcaringing? What is the Vcinging So this is u Just standard, I mean, it's large format Velcro, Adam. And the Velcro Hopefully he's going to sing to us and it's your job to decide what the Velcro is singing. I really hope it's a call and response because I've got Velcro on my prosthetic leg so Oh okay. Yeah, well you like. For twenty four years, I've been living next door to Alice, I can go Alice, who the hell is Alice? Okay Well, it's not that. As I say, we are looking for writers. Okay. Okay here we go then. Ready? Yep. Recognize it It's not deck the halls with Bs of Holly, is it? It's not I be a bit seasonal. It's not No it's not that.. your findal J hear again? Yes, please ran out of it, but I'll be honest, this is very much like a game I play with my twelve year old daughter. Okay, I'm not on a phoner?. I can't work out what the song is. No. No, can I have one more? Yeahep Now I on No, I'm afraid I don't know, Harry I'm sory. It is land down under by meen at work. I come from a man down under you hear A I don't know how I didn't get that her break. Okay, so that was what is the Velcro singing? What is thecro Velc singing? What is the Velcro singing? What is the Velcro singing? What? What is the Velcro singing? What? is the Velcro singing I've got Coriander on my desk. Gary's Joke Cner. It's time for Gary's Joke Corner and my son Gary is here. Hello Den. Hi Gary. Hei there nice to meet you. Vy much should join the last eag at the moment He' I let him stay up on a Friday night. Oh, okay. I'm only twelve. You're only twelve? Gary is taking over the business from me in twenty thirty, I'm retiring. Right? I didn't know that. Yes, it's true. And I'm handing over to him so he needs jokes. He's not a natural comedian. I'm not a natural comedian, really? I always wanted to be a doctor, didn't I? but you wouldn't let me, daddy All right, Gary. Do you have a joke for? I do. I do have a joke for Gary. So there was an inflatable boy that went to an inflatable school where all the students are inflatable, all the teachers are inflatable, all the classrooms are inflatable. And then one day he gets into trouble for bringing a pin to school. And the headmaster says, You've let me down, you've let yourself down, you've let the whole school down That's a joke. That's great. except one of yours. It's a joke joke. It's a great joke. Have you got a joke for a S scary? Yes, I've got a joke for your Daddy? Ccause I have. Yeah had, Daddy. I was in a pub with the shorter of the two guys from inside number nine Okay, the shorter of the two guys. Okay. You know the one with the dark hair? Okay, right. Itide number nine. Yes, okay, Cary. Anyway, who walked in with the star of Lager be blonde? Reese Weerspoons? No, it was a youngest pub we were in. whichich Which one They kingoundms in onwith. have work. Well that's the sound that tells me we've come to the end of our pod scarf. So all the remains is us to thank our expert, Dr. Eron Lloyd Jones and of course our special guest Adam Hills. Butterfly in blue jeans Hmster in a shif on j Pappy in a Poncho Fluffy duckling with a bug. Butterfly in blue jeans. These are the things of our dreams. our dreams theseese are the things. G on everyone. Thankks for watching See you next time of Calif that say. I was more excited to do that than anything. Well, it's definitely a change from the squirrels, but I'll be honest with you I'm still not sure. List time The hill show how a hill show H shower O Hill shower Uncovered windows can make your home feel up to twenty degrees higher. Stay cool and save up to forty five percent off custom window treatments during the fourourth of July VIP access sale at blinds. com. From outdoor shades to room darkening blinds, finding the perfect fit is easy. Get free samples, expert design help and professional measure and install services, or DIY it with confidence and support every step of the way. Shop up to forty five percent off sitewide right now during the Fourth of July VIP access sale at blinds. com This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a fifty page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it