Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robins podcast I have a personal story that I am dying to share with you. and I'm also really excited because our twenty one year old son Oakley is going to be joining me on this episode and you are going get so much out of this. So here's the story A couple weekends ago, our son came home. He's a sophomore in college I was so shocked att how happy he was And the reason I was shocked is because he's been miserable at school For about eighteen months, like the lowest I have ever seen my son in his entire life It makes you realize that I guess you never truly understand just how sad someone is. until you see them happy again And it's been so hard to watch him struggle in college, like I'm like, maybe you should transfer. Maybe you're in the wrong place. Maybe you made a mistake. You can't find your people. You're just so unhappy And as hard as it's been for me and for my husband, Chris to watch him struggle I know it's a lot harder to be the person that's unhappy. I mean, from the outside, you can feel How sad and disconnected they are. You hear it in their voice, you see it in their energy. You know you're just not yourself And if you're the person who's unhappy Over time, something happens. You become so discouraged, you start to believe this is how your life is always going to feel And so we asked our son, what happened And as he started to detail The things that had changed There were four specific takeaways that emerged And these are really interesting takeaways because they're very useful whether you're unhappy right now in your life Or you're watching somebody that you love who has become very unhappy And you're gonna love these four takeaways because as you go through them one by one It helps you understand, okay, Is it truly the situation that's making me unhappy? Or is it me And once you go through these four takeaways, you're going to have a roadmap to become happy again or to go whoa. It's not me, it's a situation. and the thing that's going to make me happy is to leave it You ready I am. Let's get started The Mel Robins podcast is proudly sponsored by Aka Insurance, our exclusive insurance partner You know how good it feels when someone makes your life easier? Oh, I just love those kind of people That's why I love Aka. They go the extra mile in the moments you need it most Listening, following up and treating you like a real human being And because they're a mutual insurer The whole model is built around putting customers first. It's refreshing, it's rare, it's covered with empathy, and it's exactly how insurance should feel Aika where your priority number one Visit amka. com and get a quote today The Mel Robins podcast is sponsored by Colgate Total In the scheme of life It's not the big moves that change everything It's the smallest ones in your everyday life that do And the most powerful moves aren't the ones you make to fix a crisis They're the ones you make to prevent one Colgate Total Active prerevention tooothpaste is built on that exact idea. It's clinically proven to prevent oral health problems like cavities and gingivitis before they start Take control of your oral health. Pick up Colgate Total Active Prevention at a retailer near you Your future self will thank you Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robins podcast. I am ecstatic that you're here. Today's episode is going to be amazing. I love what we're gonna talk about today because it's just one of those conversations that I know is gonna either help you immediately or it's gonna help somebody that you care about. And I'm also gonna be having this conversation with you And one of my most favorite people in the world, Wh am I talking about? I'm talking about our son, Oakley Robins, He's twenty one years old. I cannot wait for you to meet him. And whether you're here right now in this moment of your life You're feeling unhappy and you're trying to figure out How Can I be happy again Am I unhappy because of the situation, whether that's a relationship or a job or a place that you're living? Or am I unhappy because of the way I'm showing up to the situation If you're sitting here right now and you're struggling with a decision, okay, should I stay where I am or should I go You're going to leave our conversation today with four takeaways. What I love about these four takeaways is they basically act like a checklist, a checklist that you can use at any time that you feel unhappy, and they become a roadmap. And as you go through the four takeaways You're going have to look in the mirror and be like, okay, it's me. It's me or You're going to listen to all these four things and as we go through the checklist, you're going to go Oh. It's not me And the way that we're going to get into this checklist, I'm really excited about because we're going to do it a deeply personal way My son is going to share all about what was happening and what was making him super unhappy. I'm going to talk about a period in my life where I was really unhappy in a new chapter. and kindind of thought I had made a major mistake and we're going use our personal stories. as a backdrop to help you navigate those moments in your life where You're just not happy. and you don't know what to do I am so proud and so excited to introduce you to our son, Oakley Robins Oak is twenty one years old. He just finished his sophomore year in college, which you're about to hear all about And we're going to use his experience of being unhappy. as a way for us to talk about these four takeaways in this simple checklist that you can use to help you become happier and to help you make decisions about whether to stay or whether to go All right Let let's jump into it Please help me welcome My twenty one year old son, Oakley Robbins to the Mel Robins podcast. Hello everybody. Thank you for having me. I'm reallyally excited to be here. So Oakley, the reason why I wanted you to come on is because About a months ago You came rolling in after work in your window washing business. and we had just wrapped taping a episode for the podcast here in Vermont And you were just so bubbly and so happy and Uh, One of our team members, I think it was Ben asked you Dude, what happened? Because you had been very open about the fact that the first year and a half of your college experience basically sucked. It was horrible. So Ben started asking you questions, like what changed? Like did you transfer You're like, nope We kept peppering you with questions. like what was it exactly had you go from hating where you were feeling lost, feeling down, And we started to part these things that were changing that you changed. And there were four themes that emerged. Th four things that you shared about are a checklist that anybody could use to look at a situation that they're in where they're really unhappy. and figure out, is it me T time to change the situation Do I need a change Or does the situation need to change? Sometimes it's both. Okaykay? So for the person that's here with us, why don't you tell them, Oak, basically what you thought was going to happen when you went to college and then what the reality was and how you felt for the last eighteen months I think before I can get into what changed, I need to talk about kind of what Like where it all began. Yeah, great. And so it all started in high school. I loved high school like more than anything. Um High school was just so great. I had great friends, great family I really felt valued there and I really valued the place that I was in I was challenged academically. I was on sports teams. I was the team captain of both sports teams. I was on Um, and every single day was just pure joy, you know, waking up and being like, this is the best. Like I'm so excited to go in and see all these people that I love so dearly and I just I cannot wait. And I want to say one thing. prior to high school did not like school Prior to high school, I hated school. like hated it with a burning passion Did you have a lot of friends? No. and I wasn't very good in the academic field. Like everything was kind of just downhill middle school and elementary school was all pretty pretty tough for me. I believe that I would never be a school guy And then when I got to high school, something just kind of switched for me And I really started to dive into the academics. I really dove into the friendships and I really just like immersed myself in the world of school. And it all became this wonderful thing that I fell in love with. And that's also probably why I say I love high school so much because it was the first time in my life where I had something like that that I was like, wow this is amazing And I'd never felt so strongly about a place and people before. So that was incredible. And it sounds like you also felt very strongly about yourself. Yes. I was also very happy with me and who I was in that place and that setting and how I operated and moved through that world. Were you outgoing? Yes, very. I was super outgoing. I knew everybody at my school U we had about nine hundred kids in my school. and I knew everyone in my class, everyone in the class below And just everybody. I was a senior mentor. so I kind of looked after a group of freshmen And that provided me a lot of purpose. I went to a soup kitchen after school I was able to help out the local Vermont community I really inserted myself in the community You know, I really put myself in there and I really made sure that I was doing all the things and getting busy and meeting people and just kind of saying yes to everything I could Now one of the reasons why I wanted a little bit of detail is because I think one of the magical things about life is that periods of your life in the past where you were happy content or fulfilled provide clues about how you can access those feelings again in your present life. Yeah And that brings me to the next question which is What happened when you went to college So senior rolls around and college decisions, applications, They're not great, but you know, you get their own I still loved my life, you know, I still had a lot of fun Um, anyways, it comes time to where I wanted to go And You know, I was excited about some colleges. I wasn't about others and Because I had so much joy and love for the current place that I was in, I honestly didn't want to go anywhere and I wasn't too excited about any of the decisions I made So it comes time to go to college and I am already dreading it U I am not excited to leave my home. I'm not excited to leave my friends. I just got into a relationship and I was Very, very, very like smitten with this girl. She was incredible Um, and so I had so many reasons not to leave. And the only reason why I felt like I should go is because everybody says you should go to college. And so Going into it, I was really shooting myself in the foot because I didn't want to go in the first place. And so I got there and I was immediately miserable I was so sad. It was raining the day we moved in and I just remember moving all my stuff in my room and feeling exxcited for this I was telling myself I was excited for this new chapter in life and that it was going to be super exciting because everybody always says that college is the best four years of your life And so I was trying to hype myself up and say, you know, this is going to be great. You're going to love this. It's going be better. It's going to be better than what you once had. And you know, even though you just let go of everything that you loved, you're going you're going to find much better and you're going to enjoy it even more And so Obviously day one, I didn't have that and I was so scared. And I would have given anything to go back to the feelings and the things that I had before I got there. I think we all do this. likeike and this gets us to takeaway one which is Can't open a new door if you're gripping The old one And cannot be content where your feet are if you're constantly comparing it to where you've been. Yeah You just can't do that. No. Yeah I want you to put us at the scene because as you're listening to Oak you may be comparing your life before something happened, like maybe you lost somebody you loved and you're constantly looking back and it's been years Maybe you change jobs and you are comparing this to the old. Maybe you're in a new relationship and you're comparing it to an old relationship You know, I've had a very similar experience, Oak and I'll share more about this that When we moved from the Boston area to Vermont You were on cloud nine. I was on cloud nine. It was amazing. I needed professional help. I was so unhappy I hated it here I hated everything about it. The second my feet hit the state, I was convinced we had made a mistake If you're unhappy where you are right now, You have to ask yourself honestly, am I spending a lot of time comparing this to that Am I spending a lot of time holding something from the past over the present? Because that is a guaranteed way to make you super unhappy now If you're constantly comparing what happened in the past to what is in front of you in the present. Yeah. And so I want you to put us at the scene. of how this would affect your day to day life Like you wake up in the morning, what are you thinking I'm immediately like, wow, I miss my room and I miss my dogs and I miss my cat You're walking down the hallway or you're walking across campus to class? Yeah, and I'm immediately met with this sense of loneliness You gott to take into account that this is still the first few months of school. So I'm walking to class and I'm Thinking, goodness, this would be so much better if my hometown friends were here and I was walking to class with my hometown friends instead of walking to class with these mutuals or with nobody. What's a mutual Like a friend that's you don't really know, but you've like met him a few times and so you're like, you're mutual friends, but I'm not gonna like G out of my way to hang out with you. but if I see you allll say hang Whoa. Okaykay. But I think we're starting to get a lens into whether it's a situation or it's you, but keep going a lot in the whole friendship department where I was wishing my friends were here. And my girlfriend and I continued to stay dating and to college and so There was a lot of, I wish she was here. I wish I could go see her. This would be so much better if I could come home and she would already be at my dorm instead of just on the phone And then another example is a sports team So I played Frisbee in high school. And I came to college thinking I'm going to try out for the Frisbee team and so I go to tryouts and Immediately I'm met with this feeling of the sense that doesn't feel like how my high school team felt. And that was a huge turnoff for me. I remember being a tryouts and just thinking this sucks. This sport that I love so much doesn't feel like did in high school and I don't want to play it anym And so for the first year of college I didn't play Frisbee because I felt like it didn't feel the same, and so it wasn't worth my time And that really shot me in the foot. That that was a big one that shot me in the foot. Meal times I'd be sitting around a table with my friends and I would just be feeling so much sadness, again, wishing that my home friends could be there instead of having to make these new friends becausecause I felt that they weren't the same or we weren't as close I gave them an unfair start because from the beginning I told myself that they would never be that I wanted them to be because they weren't the same people that were from my hometown. Well, what I'm like thin I'm just gonna to be honest with you because I think you can hear it. Yeah. It's shocking how judgmental you are. Oh my Godd, it was horrible. It was horrible. Even in the moment, I remember I'd come back to my dorm at the end of the day and go, wow, this is very unlike me. feel veryy judgmental as of lately and this is not this is not the type of person that I normally am. And this is why this first takeaway is so critical When you start asking yourself, is it the situation or is it me? You have to ask yourself first, am I comparing this current chapter to something else because it is so unfair to the new person or the new apartment or the new neighborhood or the new job or the new chapter of your life to hold something from the past over this new thing. Yeah And if you're kind of nodding along that you're really robbing yourself of the opportunity to experience something new because you're so busy comparing it to something that you know You're the one that is making yourself miserable. Yeah And the judgmental piece comes from the comparison because compomarison by its very nature causes you to judge 're comparing one thing against the other and then it becomes this snowball effect where if all you're doing is looking for the reasons that something doesn't measure up, what are you going to see onlyn the things that don't measure up Correct, and you miss what? great things about the place that you're in. Yes, which is why you can't fully open up a new door if you're gripping tightly to the old one. And this didn't just last the first couple months. No, this lasted all the way up until the very start January. Yeah this year This lasted up until january twenty twenty six and I went into college and Uh Tumber It doesn't matter. We're going to math this podcast. Itesn't matter. So you did this your entire freshman year? Yes. you first half of my sophomore year and watching you do this was painful The other thing that's really sad about this Is that another trap that we can fall into is believing that the best days of our life are behind us. Yeah And you started to convince yourself of that. I did. I really did Be I saw no reason that the place I was in was going to be better I just couldn't find those reasons. Actually oak I'll tell you what. Okay. The reason why I can see this on the outside is because first of all, I wasn't experiencing it. Yeah. And I also knew that you weren't quote yourself But I've also experienced this. Yeah. So when we move from outside of Boston where Your dad and I lived for twenty six years and we moved up here for you to go to high school up here I hated it. You did. I hated it and like you all I did was look around this tiny little town where there are more cows than people compared it to where we had lived for twenty six years outside of Boston. I'm like, where is Target Where is Whole Foods Where is the movie theater Where are the people What do people do here Like where are the things that I know And Every time that I woke up in the morning, I'm like, this doesn't feel like I want it to feel. Like I don't like this. It's new. like it doesn't feel right. And I started to get very critical of everything that I didn't like And it started reinforcing that this wasn't going to be right for me. that it felt wrong, therefore it's not right. And I started to blame the place instead of seeing that my inability to let go of the door that had closed prevented me from seeing the wide open door in front of me Yeah And one of the reasons why it's important to really examine periods of your life when you were happy is because it does provide clues about what you can bring forward to this chapter too help you be happy, the past is full of lessons The present is full of opportunities The future has both lessons and opportunities. It has both. Yeah It's in applying the lessons to the opportunity of the present that you actually change the present and how you feel in it. I wasn't doing that. I knew damn well that what would make me happy is making friends, but I sat in the house and bitched about how much I hated this place compared to where we live. I did the same thing in my dorm. Correct And so the comparison actually amplifies judgment and the comparison isolates you and the comparison also inflates the fantasy of the old life because here's the truth for me, this wasn't the case for you and I don't know as you're listening if this is the case for you I had gotten bored of our old life I was tired of living in suburbia. I did want to change I did want something new I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in that version of my life. Yeah. I knew I was ready for a change, but when that change came, holy cow, it did not feel like I thought it was going to feel. And so then all of a sudden I'm like, I don't want this change When you're comparing your current situation to something in the past personally felt a couple things happening Number one, I got very judgy. Yeah, very judgy. Number two, I started crossing my arms And I started leaning back And I started over fantasizing about the past. and I also started unfairly I don't even have the wr right words judging. It's like I was unfairly painting the life in front of me with a very unfair brush. Yeah. L I was seeing it through a lens that actually wasn't accurate Yeah. And I can see that now. I didn't even give it a chance. and that's the thing You have to ask yourself, have I even given? this situation a chance. Have I given the person a chance? H I given the job a chance? Have I given the school a chance? Have I given this neighborhood a chance? or have I been confronted by the change and I started comparing and now I've got my arms crossed and I'm like super judgy and I'm sitting back Yeah Totally. Okay. so takeaway number one, if you're unhappy or someone else is unhappy in your life is The first question you have to ask yourself is, am I actually in the present O am I dragging the past here and using it as a measuring stick? Yeah. And so the thing that I want you to do with this first takeaway. is to really apply it to where you are right now Are you sitting in comparison which very clearly robs you of the opportunity in front of you What is in your control? is to stop yourself from comparing where you are to where you've been to stop holding some fantasized version of your past over the reality that's in front of you because it's only when you stop comparing that you have an opportunity to let go of the past and to reach for the door in front of you and to open it It's only when you stop comparing yourself that you have the opportunity to do a couple other simple things that might make you feel more content But if you are saying, no, I haven't been comparing myself. I was doing that beginning, but I'm not doing that anymore I just really am not sure if this is the right situation, then you've checked the box and that's step one on deciding if it's you or if it's the situation. There you go, rightight? I love what you're saying, and I also appreciate how transparent you're being. Thank you, Mom. I appreciate what you're saying. Oh, Well, you're welcome and we gotta go to a break I don't w to even stop talking to you, but I gotta give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words. We're gonna throw you guys to break and we'll be right back. Don't go anywhere because we have a couple more of these takeaways to walk you through and we return and you do not want to miss them. Stay with us You know life can become routine? It's like the same old, same old. 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Whether you're going fly across the country or maybe you just want to explore a cool beach toown this summer. Expedia makes it easy flights hotels, vacation rentals, cars, activities, everything you need in one place. That means no jumping between sites, no hassle. and when you bundle, you can save up to thirty percent with everything you need in one app. Savings very expedia The one place you go to go places. Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel Robins. and today I am here with Oakley and you and we're talking about how to know in life if it's you or if it's the situation that needs to change. And we're going through the simple four part checklist. So let's move on to the second one because we've already alluded to it, which is when you get yourself in a situation where you're comparing the old to the new and you start judging it. You cross your arms And you got to really check your energy. So this is takeaway number two. Are you Drinking Or is your energy expansive? Yeah. and you're leaning in. Yeah. I got thought I was really stubborn. and And when when I made the change because I had so many wonderful people in my life saying Oakley just Go and try new things and go say yes to all these people. And you know, your friends right now might not be the greatest, but who knows? goo try and meet more people. And I was like, no, everyone of your sucks This place sucks. and everything at this school sucks I hate everything and I want to go home. And everybody was feeding me the information and the tools that I needed to succeed and to love this place. And all I wanted to do was cross my arms and complain and say no And I was being so, so stubborn And it was so bad of me. acause I things could have changed a lot quicker. Ooh, that's a great insight That's very honest, because you were stubborn for a year and a half. Yes. I'm stupid So dumb. with me. was so dumb I wish someone like slapped some sense into me. I tried. You'd vary what you did try. and I was very very I didn't want to move for my position. What could I have done differently Because I would call you on a Friday night and you are a collollege freshm. Yeah, guys, I was I was I would sit in my dorm every day Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I was actually scared of the weekends Be the weekdays were great because we had our schedules, you know, and we went to class and we did all that And then the weekends would come and everyone would be like, like let's go party and' be like, I't I don't want to I don't want to go out and I don't want to go party So the weekends were really hard because it was like someone was holding a mirror up to my face being like You're doing something that you shouldn't be doing because it's hurting you right now And you know what you should be doing and you're actively going against what you need You and I are so similar. I, I know great when you're torturing Oh Well, yeah, in the stubborn world, but, you know, well, because when I moved here And we got here and I started comparing it to our old life, and I started hating it and getting very unhappy. and I started convincing myself place was wrong. We needed to move back. We had made a mistake I started what sounds like you did, which is quietly quitting Yeah on the decision I started turning against the place I was in And I spent so much energy crying sitting alone convincing myself this was a huge mistake. I had two friends, Amy and Jessie And we all hated it So we also talked a lot about how we had made a mistake and that our husbands had tricked us into coming here and now we hated them too and I also spent a lot of time watching my friends on social media And it felt like they were on a party barge in the Boston Harbor waving goodbye to me from my old life as I was slowly dying a long and torturous death here in the winters of Vermont on a mountain here with no friends And when you're quietly quitting a relationship You're sitting in judgment and you're pulling away when you're quietly quitting a job or a career. and you're withdrawing when you are in a friend group, that you feel like you've outgrown and you're kind of on the outside of it. you also shrink your energy and you pull back when what is needed in these moments is the opposite You need to expand yourself and expand your energy and expand out of your comfort zone and expand through your stubbornness. and This is why this is the second thing on your checklist Is it me or is it the situation? Are you shrinking away Or are you in a period of expanding and pushing yourself? because you had some good friends, but you kept saying, I haven't found my people. I haven't found my people and yet That circle of friends was not a cage. This is the thing that I think is really interesting to ask yourself too Why would you rather be right that the situation is wrong for you to be stubborn about it than just Try I think in my stubborn mindset, there was this this annoyance in the fact that everybody seemed to have the answer h and that answer being all you have to do is You're et your butt off the floor and go do something and I I think internally, not not actually knowing this, but it just kind of annoyed me that it seemed like everybody knew what was up and what I should be doing. And so I wanted to kind of prove to them I was like, no, like things aren't going to change. And I do actually remember there were times where would go and try something like once in a blue moon where maybe I'd show up to a club or I would go out with some friends one night and I would always come back from it. An even worse feeling in my gut just being like that was horrible Like I remember there was one time where I went out with my friends and Immediately we get there and they're having the time of their lives and I was like, this sucks. Like this place sucks. I don't feel like I belong here. And so I just left and I went back home and I was like, that was horrible And I was looking for so many reasons why I was the worst time or a club where I went I showed up to a brand new club and I didn't know anybody and I didn't know what was going on and it felt so foreign. And so imedialy I went back to my doorm and I was like, that was horrible. I'm not gonna do that and I just wanted to kind of had this thing where I wanted to prove that I did try and even in trying it didn't work for me And like I was just a hopeless, a hopeless case Well, I think that's one of the reasons why a really good piece of advice in these kind of situations is you have to give it a year. Yeah. you have to you have to keep tryrying at it, you can't just do it once and be like, right, now, never again You have to try it a few few good times And another piece of advice is when you are shrinking and your energy is pulling back and judgy You're a no Yeah. And when you're expansive and you're saying, all right, I'm going to give it a year. I got to like really lean into the opportunity. I got to be here. You're a yes. Yeah. When you think about eighteen months of being there You showed up in January. and you stop judging I did How did you stop judging I I came to the realization over that break that I needed to get off my high horse and stop assuming that The place I was in was going to become the place I was once at And I just kind of showed up january first and I was like, all right, this is its own place, it's its own time. canan't go back to who I once was And so I'm just going to appreciate and see who I am going to become in this new place. And I kind of operated with that mindset Each day. Wow. Yeah. And What Did you start saying yes to everything L mean literally everything. So I rejoined the The Frisbee team that I thought wasn't similar to my O old high school Frisbee team, love you guys I started hanging out with my friends way more on the weekends. They would always be going to a house party or they'd be going out and I'd say yes, I'd go to each one During the weeks, I'd get lunch with new people on the weekends, if it was during the day, again, new people. I'd always be trying to find new people. If I met someone cool, you know, I don't know if you guys have ever done this, but there's always those people in your life where you see them every once in a while and you're like, Ohh we have to get lunch. Like we have to get lunch or we have to go hang out. And you say to them and you're like, all right, but I'm not actually going to text you, like I'm not actually going to make the first move I'm not going to go get food or anything with you because it's awkward. I don't really know you The mutuals, you know, the mutuals. And so I started actually reaching out to those mutuals and saying, Hey, let's hang out And what happened Well, obviously, like I'm going to be honest, you know, the first one or two times, they were a little awkward. You know, you're getting to know somebody. It's always not it's never the easiest And it would just happen where every day I'd be like, Hey are youree? And it would just we'd start hanging out and it would just become so natural, so easy Um And that's because I kept working at it. I kept putting myself out there to try and talk to them You know, I love this example, Oak because it reminds me of really incredible research that this professor, Tina Selig from Stanford came on this podcast and shared about the science of luck People aren't just, quote lucky People who seem to be lucky have this particular habit And the habit is intentionally putting yourself in the current O the things that you want. intentionally taking small actions collollide with the thing that you want And intellectually, we know that the more people you say hello to, the more people that you Uh reach out to for lunch. The more parties you go to and you uncross your arms and you walk in and you have an attitude like, you know, My favorite person that I've ever met in my life might be in this room. Yeah, it's true. You know, they might, like you have this open mindedness. that you P yourself in a position G Lucky you're in the same room, but you have to stop comparing yourself to your old life. Yeah. You have to be more expansive, you have to give it a year and you have to start saying yes while you have that attitude. and then what happens? you get lucky. You do. What happened to you I mean, over time, slowly, slowly, I started to accumulate friends that I really, really began to care about and love. and I began to slowly look around and be like, wa This place is this place is pretty cool, you know, like I'm living near everybody who's my age and all I have to do is just walk down a few doors and see them. like this is awesome Well, I think that can happen just about everywhere. Everywhere. Because if you're in a new job, for example The first month, you're not gonna feel like you suddenly have really good friends at work. You're probably gonna like put your head down and like get into it The fact is If all you ever do is put your head down and hope you fit in then you're going to start to pull back And you're going to start to feel like you're on the outside of something. Yeah If you take this advice to heart, And you really look in the mirror if you're feeling on the outside you could literally look up and be like, well, how many people have I asked if they want to go out for a cup of coffee or go walk around the block at lunch or How many times have I raised my hand to do something that isn't directly related to my job? How often am I asking my colleagues about their life? Have I scheduled any one on ones with people even over Zoom just to get to know people? Yeah. And so instead of taking a posture in life of sitting back and hoping it falls out of the sky or just magically happens, I was waiting for someone to just show up for things to click and for it to be like, wow. Like I love this place now. I was waiting for just one person to show up, but it's on you Well, that's who you were waiting for. Yeah waiting for me Get my button ge Yeah. well, can you say more about that A little while ago you're like, what could I have said to you? to inspire you to change or inspire you to do something. And I think The biggest thing that I don't think you ever said to me, but what would have gotten me to get moving was just you saying like, it's on you theseese four years or this next chapter, however long it may be, like If you want it to be great, then That's on you and you can't wait for some person or some event or just some to change your mind about that. it's your job to get up and to go and to meet these people and to do these things and to change your outlook because no one can do that for you. you have to stand up and you have to start moving forward And once you start doing that, it'll become easier and it will become great, but right now you have to put the work in and you have to take that first step And I think that's the takeaway. Ask yourself Are you actually here in the present moment. really seeing this as an opportunity And number two is check your energy. Have you been expansive? Have you been a yes? Have you given this a year Like, are you really putting in the effort and taking full responsibility for the way you're showing up to this chapter or this relationship or this job or this new neighborhood or this school. because if you're not that it's on you If you have been Now we're starting to go, well, maybe it's the situation. Be every time I ask you if you wanted to transfer, you were like, no No Yeah, I was I was I was confident that the school I was at is the place I should be Um, and I knew that the people that I wanted to be friends with were' there somewhere But I just hadn't found them yet And you weren't doing much to make it happen. No. Oak Time for another ad break. It is, It is. And so I want to take a second and just give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words U And if anybody in your life is coming to mind Please been sharing his experiences. we're going through this checklist Just take a minute and copy and paste this link and text it to him. You don't even have to say anything You can just say, you know, I'm thinking about you and I thought you might love this. Take a listen. There you go. And don't go anywhere, Why Oak? Beacause we'll be right back. Yes, so stay with us. The next part is so important because we have two more takeaways. We'll be right back Stay with us You know When I heard the word probiotics I always think about my stomach And it's true Proiotics support your stomach, but they support so much more Our sponsor, Ollie just launched a new product called Precise Probiotics, made with clinically studied strains to support not just your digestive and immune health but your metabolism and your skin health and even your stress response. So instead of guessing, support your body in a more intentional way that gives your body what it needs, not just reacting when something feels off. Proactively giving your body the precise probiotics it needs to show up at its absolute best and help you achieve your full potential precise probiotics with skin, stress response or metabolism support at a Walmart near you These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you're trying to make it through the day with lots of caffeine, I'm here to tell you that real energy comes from quality sleep And that starts with what you're sleeping on. Mattress firm knows that there are common sleep problems that keep you up at night, like how about this one? Waking up drenched in sweat at two AM? That's not normal sleep That's a sauna. And of course, the next day, you don't feel rested You're exhausted That's where mattress firm can help you mattress firms, sleep experts. will match you to the right cooling mattress like the Tempper Breeze. It has advanced technology to deliver unmatched cooling comfort for hot sleepers get matched to the perfect sleep solution for you For the great sleep you deserve, visit Mattress Firm and get five hundred dollars off Temper breeze mattresses. They make sleep easy. Restrictions apply, see mattressfirm d. com or store for details Back to school starts now. Get long lasting battery life on the Dell XPS laptop powered by Series three Intelcore, so you can work from anywhere. Now starting at six hundred ninety nine dollars with exclusive student pricing starting at five dollars ninety nine cents. Complete your setup with savings on select monitors and must have electronics and accessories. Limited time deals and free shipping on PCs and more await you at day Dell dot com slash deals. That's deell dot com slash deals Welcome back It's your friend Mel Robbins. You and I are here with my son Oakley and we're talking about, you know, those moments in life where you're just Not happy Is it you or is it the situation So let's move on to the next piece because this is takeaway three on our checklist. Is it me or is it the situation? Do I need to change or do I need to change the situation And that is Are you one hundred percent becausecause it's very hard to be content and happy when you're only throwing in forty percent And obviously comparing where you currently are to your past. means you're not one hundred percent there your energy and shrinking and crossing your arms and being judgy, expecting something to be amazing within the first month or two. You're not one hundred percent there. but there's also another thing. keeps you from being one hundred percent there And I like to think of this analogy that are both of your feet in the present chapter. Or do you have one foot somewhere else while you have one foot here and straddling Two Clydesdales running in different directions can be painful. and for you You also We're not one hundred percent at school. I was not No, I I mentioned a little bit earlier in the episode how I had just gotten into a relationship right before I went to college And she was in the grade below me. And so for the first year of college I was able to kind of like commute home and see her on weekends, which made it easy for the relationship, but it obviously didn't make it easy for the place that I was in. Now why because You know, my mind I thought about her twenty percent She's amazing and she I always just had my mind on her and I couldn't I just wish more than anything that we could be in the same place together And I spent so much time just wanting to either go home or wanting her to come up to me. and Or running to your dorm room at seven PM so you could have your call. Yeah, on a Friday or a Saturday, you know, like going late into my dorm and just kind of locking myself away from all my friends just so I could have a conversation with her and It was in the in the moment, you know, I I I would I would tell myself that this is what I need to be doing. Like this is the best thing in my life and I want to maintain that And arguably it was. so it made sense that I could justust kind of keep that up and maintain the one good thing that I still had going for me because of that it really, without me knowing, of course, it caused me to shut out shut out everything around me and everyone around me because on those nights where All my friends would go out to party and all those things. I had an outlet where I could stay in my dorm and I could call my girlfriend because It allowed me to kind of have this excuse where it's like, well I don't need to, because I need to call my girlfriend maintain this ection I think it's really unfair crriticize where you are if you don't give it one hundred percent. Yeah. Or to blame your unhappiness on the situation you're in if you haven't given the situation your full one hundred percent. Yeah. And I can see in my example of when we first moved here I was not giving it one hundred percent Be like you I would drive back to Boston. a lot of weekends to see my friends which means I was not here trying to make new ones. Yeah. I was actively campaigning against the current situation by finding the exit And that's why you have to ask yourself, am I giving it one hundred percent There's this famous author, Oak, Harvill Hendrix. He wrote this by landmark bestseller How to Get the Love You W And he has this phrase about being in a relationship and you need to close the exits. Yeah and I can see treating to my old life kept me from actually learning how to be happy and creating my new life What do you see? for me for you Either, I'll take, I'll take your insights Yeah, I'm The relationship W amazing deffinitely hurt me and stop me from appreciating the place that I was currently in And because I was able to keep going back to that outlet, I never truly had to to work to get out there to go do these things. And what's interesting is you and I are both talking about kind of physical examples like I'm going back to Boston. You may be coming back here, you're on the phone, you're physically with somebody, but you can do this mentally Like you can be in a relationship like I know a couple people right now that are in marriages and they're really not that happy. And they, you know, after a couple glasses of wine, they'll be like, you know, I sometimes wonder like what would have happened if I would have just, you know, stayed with my collete. and I'm thinking, o, oh, you're mentally not a hundred percent in this And so if your energy is starting to shrink and you're starting to compare, and now you're not even one hundred percent in this You are mentally somewhere else. in our case, we are like often physically Yeah in other places then It's not really fair to judge the situation you're in? No Be you haven't given a year, you haven't said yes, you haven't stepped into the reality. You're like in your mind in some fantasy. You're in the exit So What changed What changed is at the start of second semester, so that month of December, January, made the choice against, you know, it's the last thing I wanted to do, but I Uh we my girlfriend and I decided to break up. and to go f no contact. so Beause we tried it freshman year when I actually first went to school and We broke up but we would still talk to each other. so we were very much like still in it, you know, like we didn't like we said we were out, but we were in. And trust me, like freshmaneroke would be like oh, it's amazing It's the only thing I wanted Um, But Before school started in January, we decided to and the relationship and go full no contact. So Why was the no contact thing important because you can break up and you can stay in contact, but then I would argue that the exit is still technically there. Like you can still fall back on it and you can still go back to again, that's what happens freshman year because ression broke up, and then two months in we got right back together because the exit was still right there and I was itching to take it. and so I took it And so when we did it a second time, I we made the choice that we were going to burn the exit and we were going to say, if this is going to happen again, like it'll happen way down the line. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But for now, we're in two different places. We need to be in those places And so the exits were taken away and that's why no contact is so important. And obviously it sucks at first. I I can agree with any of you who are in a relationship or are currently breaking up that no contact sucks So all you want to do is talk to them, but does become a million times easier I would also like to add that I was not amazing in the relationship. Like I was so unhappy in the place that I was that On those weekends when I would show up on a phone call or I would see her in person, like I was miserable and I was not fun to be around and I was just not a good person to be in a relationship with to begin with I think it's really important to say that also while I was in the relationship I was a firm believer that I could make things work You know, I was I believe that everybody says like oh, long distancecesn't always the best and It's important to be where you are and I was a firm stubborn believer that I could be the one person set. like I'm different. you know, like I can rise above and I can be in this relationship and I can love this place that I'm in and I gave that the shot and it really didn't work out And so I I knew deep down that Like I had to switch it up and I had to change something and try When you close the exits and you go back now eighteen months into a place you can't stand or you're miserable lost and you hate it. Yeah. And you've got a brand new attitude, which is this will never be that but I can make it something. You are now saying yes, what shifted almost immediately making those decisions to change the way I've been living kind of inspired me in a sense to actually like get myself out the door. What do you mean? Beause I was like, I just broke up with my girlfriend and I am like trying to have this new mindset and so it would be a disservice to me and everyone else to just continue living the same way I have been. If I were to have just like broken up with her and like trying to go into school with a new mindset and then continued to just sit in my dorm every day, like they would do nothing for me And so I was like, I owe it to me and them to keep going and to try these new things. Well, that brings me to the fourth thing on the checklist. Here we go. If you change nothing. Nothing will change. Correct And I love that you said it's a disservice to you because Imagine a world where You could look at any chapter you're in and say Okay, whether it feels good or not whether it feels like I thought it would or not That's beside the point If you look at life like everything about life is for the experience It's not for the purpose of being happy. It's not for the purpose of achieving the goal. It's not for the purpose of anything but the experience. everyvery chapter you're in can have something positive. Yeah And maybe the experience is learning that you can create new friends. Maybe the experience is learning that there's strength within you that you didn't realize. Maybe the experience for you is Matt, wow, I'm really stubborn. And I need to like have a breakthrough in that or I miss out on life and What I love about this fourth takeaway is if you change nothing, nothing changes is it really helps you with that question, Is it me or is it the situation? Be If You've changed Yeah but nothing has changed about the situation, guuess what It's time to change the situation. Yeah. It's not It's time to get outs the college. It's the job. it's the like I have another example. You know, your oldest sister worked for a massive multinational cybersecurity tech firm. She was there for three years and It was rough kind of had a company culture where they worked hybrid. It was super engineering. It was very, very, very international and a lot older employee base. And so as a twenty something starting her career, she just was She struggling to meet people her age, to have any kind of life with colleagues. And she poured herself one hundred and fifty percent into it. She got promotions. She started the young professionals group at the company. She got money to be able to do, you know stuff for the group. She got bonuses called like she threw one hundred fifty percent and because she had never had a corporate job, she had nothing to compare it to Three years She stillt changed everything. She still didn't like it. Guess what You can leave that job knowing I have no regrets. That was the right decision.. If you're in a relationship And you've changed. You've stopped comparing it and you've accepted the person in front of you and you've shifted your energy and you're expansive and you've done that for a year in a long term relationship, you've gotten now all this data Guess what If that didn't change the situation, then it's time to change the situation you're in But I think more often than not when you go through this checklist What you're going to see is that you haven't changed yet And if you haven't changed and nothing changes then the situation is going to change either and your only power is in the changes you make And whether it changes the situation or not, I think is irrelevant I personally think it's irrelevant that you started love in college. The more important breakthrough here is you recognizing that at any moment that you're unhappy, you have agency change things about how you're showing up band in changing how you show up You change You grow, you experience yourself differently and Almost every time it changes the situation for the better But even if what it shows you is you're in the wrong situation It's an amazing change too I think one, one thing looking back that I learned is that I I'm capable of living through the discomfort of being upset and I'm capable of doing something about it or like not I was able to live through this sadness and loneliness for a year and a half and do nothing about it And does that scare you? It really scares me because I mean, I wonder how many people are currently doing that, but I also I think I could have done it longer as well, which also scares me. Well, that scares a hell out. Yeah. I don't know if that's that's a good take. I think that's a decent takeaway to have to know. I don't know that it's it's a good thing. I think it's an important important insight about yourself. Yeah, that your tolerance for unhappiness is something that is you have a capacity for that? Yeah that you It's not that you should take it seriously. I think it's a very wise insight to say, wow I could have been miserable for a lot longer. Yeah, because I became very complacent around it. and very like right about it And that scares me that I will allow myself to sit in misery for that long. Yeah especially now that you know that you also have the ability at any point to decide that you don't want to live like that anymore That's the that's the next takeaway is just that I'm fully capable of making that change and appreciating the place that I'm in and loving where I'm at and making those choices to see if I can May I should say like using the checklist. I'm sayure, you do what. Well, now that you have it, you didn't have it, then. I did not have the checklist. That's true Yeah, like now I know that if I find myself in a similar situation, I can use the checklist and I can what would you ask yourself Because you'll find you're going to have this happen to you again I will ye when you leave college because now you love it. Yeah. And then you're going to find yourself adulting in your twenties and your friends are going to scatter and then you're going to have another one of these periods. Yeah. And so and you'll have another one of these periods if you go through a breakup. Yeah. And then you're in the period where you're single again and it's scary to like take a risk and you might have this feeling again if you move somewhere You know, after college and you're like, did I go to the right city? Like life is full of chapters that feel good and that feel terrible and we can't control that, but you can develop this skill of really navigating change because change always is uncomfortable. Yeah One question I want to ask is when you went back to school, eighteen months and you've Close the exits And you is before things started to get good in this. Yeah, because you don't just like shift your attitude and you're like, okay. It's true. You know, somewhere in the eight thousand students here is my most favorite person that I haven't I've ever met in my whole life I'm going find them today. likeike you don't just like spring out of bed. Yeah How hard was it It was hard desescribe What was that mean I remember how I was feeling when I was first coming back and I had two prominent emotions and the first one was I was very scared, you know, I didn't have my outlets anymore and I was going in all alone. And then the second one was excitement though because I had this eighteen months of hardship And I was like, if things are ever going to get better, like now's the time and I was excited for the the idea that things were probably going to get better. They were definitely going to get better. And so First few weeks They were tricky, you know, I was F fresh out of a relationship, You guys know how that goes. you know, it's It's hard. It's really hard U because you're unlearning life with unlearning life and it's so difficult. You know what? I found hard. Yeah is that when I Finally comparing life here to life where I had lived for twenty six years And when I really started saying yes to everything And when I my energy and I was expansive There's this period where You are letting go of what was It's it's It's like it's alm like's grief. likeike there's a grief in it to finally come to terms and accept the fact that this is where you are now. This is where you are now and that you can't you can't go back And it's sad and it's scary, but it's also beautiful in a way because you're about to create this new wonderful I think sometimes the reason why We don't. see the full opportunity